Original subtitles

- We made it to the lair

of the great Sapphire Dragon of Hillenburg.

- Are you sure this is the right place?

- Right.

- Dragons are known for their signage.

- They are also known to anger quickly

and strike unexpectedly

so keep close and stay vigilant.

- Sure I shouldn't just jump in there

and give 'em the old one-two zapperoo?

- No, you shouldn't do that.

- Oh, I could fly in from above

and drop a bomb on him, if you catch my drift.

- I do, and don't.

- It's hacking time. Let me at him. Let me at him.

- There will be no bombs... - Aww.

- No zapperoos... - Aww.

- And no premature hacking. - [groans]

- We'll be silent, tiptoeing, until I execute my attack.

Got it?

- Got it, boss.

[branch cracks mightily]

Sorry. - [groans]

[branch cracks]

- [groans]

[branch cracks] Why?

[branch cracks] Oh!

- Evan.

- ♪ A troll burned his bridge ♪

♪ A warrior lost her crown ♪

♪ I'm not being poetic ♪

♪ That's literally what went down ♪

♪ Together their journey has begun ♪

♪ Combining might and melody ♪

♪ To quest and smite a demon ♪

♪ And find their true family ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ "The Barbarian and the Troll" ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ "The Barbarian and the Troll" ♪

♪ ♪

[sneaky music]

- Okay, listen up. - Yeah.

- For those of you who haven't been paying attention--

- That's Evan.

- In order to save my brother Kendar

and destroy the demon Alvin,

we have to get dragon tears on Axe.

- Got it. - Yeah.

- So let's make that dragon cry.

- Right. - Yeah.

- Hi, quick Q before we risk all our lives.

What is your whole complicated backstory?

- Oh, it's very complicated.

- Yeah, and it's a whole backstory.

- Appreciate the Gothmorian chorus,

but I asked Brendar.

- Now's not the time.

- When's the good time, after we get burned

by the flames of that dragon we're about to meet?

- Maybe. - [sighs]

- Look, I just don't think we need to know

everything about each other, okay?

- Like our feelings? - [scoffs]

- Brendar, you're an emotional stone wall.

- Thank you.

Now, less questions, more questing.

- [sighs] - Yeah.

We're in the lair of a very dangerous dragon.

[sniffs] Hmm. It's not vanilla.

Wow, look at all this!

Butter my crullers!

Are those cinnamon rolls? They're huge.

- Guilty. - [gasps]

- Prepare yourself to cry, dragon.

- It's chopping time.

- Well, aren't you the brave ones?

- Brendar, these eclairs are delicious.

You gotta try one. - I don't do eclairs.

Are you a custard or a donut? Make up your mind.

- Hey, we're not here for treats.

We're here for tears.

- My tears for your axe, I assume.

- Yeah. - Save it, buttercup.

I haven't cried in eons.

How embarrassing for you.

- I guess we're gonna do this the hard way.

- Prepare to be boohooed, lizard.

- You know, I'm one of 12 dragons left in Gothmoria.

Kill me and there will be only 11.

- Yeah, I know how math works. - Hmm.

- Look, this attack on your life isn't personal.

I'd spare you if I could,

but I have to save my brother from a demon.

- Oh, Marty the demon? - No.

- Sebastian the demon? - No.

- Carol? - No, Alvin.

- Oh, the demon Alvin.

She's a loose cannon, that one. - Huh?

- Demons are the worst, am I right?

- She is the main antagonist

in my complicated backstory.

- That we're not allowed to know about, apparently.

[sighs] - A demon took my grandmama.

I miss her endlessly.

She would make a stew that would bring me to tears.

- Food made you cry?

- She was a true culinary genius.

But alas, after hundreds of attempts,

I've never been able to duplicate her recipe.

- Aw, give yourself some credit.

You're really good baker.

- Oh, thank you, cherub.

But I only use what I can find in the forest.

Grandma's recipe calls for very specific ingredients

found only at the gnome market.

- So why don't you just go to the gnome market?

- Well, if only it were that easy.

Every time I go, they say,

"Ah! There's a dragon! We're so tiny!"

Anyway, apparently breathing fire in public is, um...

frowned upon.

- So don't breathe fire in public.

- I'm a dragon.

Might as well tell a fish not to breathe water.

- What if we go to the marketplace for you?

Then you can make your cry stew,

give us the tears, win-win.

- Well, are you prepared for that?

The recipe is very specific,

and I must have every ingredient.

- I'm a barbarian warrior.

I'm pretty sure I can handle a grocery list.

- The gnomes aren't fans of mine,

so keep it on the DL.

- Guys, I'm so excited.

- Yeah, after you get your dragon tears,

you'll be able to say, "No restrictions apply! Zap!"

Except without the zap. That's my thing.

- Oh.

[heavenly choir singing]

♪ ♪

- Is that the Diamond Grind 2000?

- Why, it is. You know your sharpeners.

I got it as a lair-warming gift.

Care to take it for a spin?

- Really?

- Yes, absolutely.

Questing can be very hard on metal.

- Let's move out.

- Brendar, do you mind if I hang back?

- No, you could use a little sharpening.

- [giggles]

- I'm gonna grab some road muffins.

[chuckles]

Good thing today's my cheat day.

[crowd chatters]

[goat bleating]

[chicken clucks]

[upbeat music]

- Oh, I like these. Wrap them up.

I'm going to go find my husband.

- Absolutely.

- Support small businesses!

- And so then the mermaid goes,

"Well, you put the wasabi on the wrong half."

- Oh, I love gnome markets.

Gnomes are so cute.

Ooh, hello there, little buddy.

- [growls]

- Ooh, you're so cute!

Hey! Ow, it hurts! Make it stop!

- Ay!

[indistinct shouting]

- Okay, so everybody knows what they're getting, right?

- Garlic. - Peppers.

- Potatoes. - And I'll get rosemary. Easy.

All right, meet back in an hour,

and no a-dillydallying.

- Aww, boo. I like a good dillydally.

Somebody has to tell that barbarian to relax.

- Well, I'm sure it's tough

with that complicated backstory of hers.

- Dude, what is her complicated backstory?

- I know as much as you do,

which is very little.

- So neither of you mind

risking your lives without knowing why?

- We're helping her rescue her brother.

That's enough for me.

- I'm just afraid she'll squash us

into a pulp if we press it.

- Yeah. - What do you think?

You wanna help me find some spuds, pumpkin?

- Hard pass. Peace out, pigeons.

- Love you, too.

- [grunts] Whoa!

- Hey, buddy. Is that heavy for you?

- No.

Whoa! I'm okay.

♪ ♪

- Ooh, my owl senses are tingling.

[mysterious music]

Wow.

- Buenas, mi niña.

Please, come in.

- I can't stay too long.

I gotta actually find some--

- Peppers.

Yes, I can help you.

- How did you know that?

- I know all, Stacey with an E.

- That's my name, and that's how you spell it.

How did you know that?

- I'm a bruja.

It's my job.

Choose which peppers you'd like.

I have benevolent...

- How can I help?

- Angry... - Who are you calling angry?

- And one with unfinished business.

- I'm working on my novel.

- Silencio!

- I'll just take the benevolent peppers.

They'll go down easiest. How much?

- Oh, no money.

I'll trade you all of the peppers

for one of your beautiful owl feathers.

- I like my body parts fully attached.

- What if I throw in a free reading?

Anyone you're curious about? - No.

- No one whose past you want revealed?

- No. - So you don't want to know

about the barbarian's complicated backstory?

- Oh, you can tell me

Brendar's complicated backstory.

- I can tell all.

- Start plucking.

- Ow.

- Sorry.

[relaxing music]

- Oh. I so needed this.

- How's the pressure?

- Perfect. Ready for the other side.

- All right. Flipping.

- This spa day was crucial.

Oh, yeah, right there.

- Well, thanks for the potatoes.

Enjoy the road muffins.

- I will.

- Well, that didn't take any time at all.

Good job, me.

- Try the Zap-a-Kraken.

These krakens needs zappin'.

Well, hey there, strong fellow.

You want to try the Zap-a-Kraken?

You could win a chance at a giant novelty hat.

- Ooh. I have a face for hats.

- Well, you've come to the right place there, handsome.

First one's free for wizards.

- Well, this must be my lucky day.

Moisten the joints. [groans]

And loosen the caboosen.

Two more. One more.

[exciting music]

[moans]

- This place closes at 8:00, you know.

- Okay, I'm ready. Let's go.

- Okay, just a second.

Wake up, Kraken!

Begin. - [blubbers]

- Zap.

Got you. Zap.

- You're real good at this.

- Zap. [chuckles]

Zap. - [blubbers]

Zap. Zap. Zap. Zap. Zap. Zap.

- Winner! - [cheers]

- And here is your prize.

- No, no, no, no, I was playing

for that big novelty hat up there.

- No, you were playing for a chance

at the big novelty hat.

You gotta win ten of these first.

- Well, how much does that cost?

- Hmm...one potato each.

- Oh. Well, how convenient.

[grunts]

- Parsley, sage...

[gasps] Rosemary.

Just in time.

- Not so fast, Brendar.

- Steve?

- In the flesh, under all this armor.

- Fancy seeing you here.

- I need this rosemary for Gnarlia's cornbread.

It's chili night. Lots of fun.

I even take off my helmet for some after-dinner smooching.

- Well, I need this rosemary for a stew

to make a dragon cry so my axe can slay a demon.

It's complicated. - Right, right, your backstory.

Classic Brendar.

- [growls]

- Ooh!

There you are, my adorable little bulbs.

- [clears throat]

- Oh, hi there. Let's see,

I would like one garlic, please.

- How could you? - How could I what?

- The magical sock. - Hmm?

- How could you use it as a coin purse?

- You know about this magical sock?

- Of course. It's T-winkle's magical sock.

- Yeah, that's right. - What did you do to T-winkle?

- What? Nothing. No

I don't even know how this sock works.

- It came with instructions.

Did you not read the instruction?

- I--oh. Oh. Uh, not yet?

- You disrespect the magical sock.

You allegedly did nothing to T-winkle?

- I actually saved his life. - I don't buy any of it.

I'm calling citizen's arrest.

- Huh?

- You're going to the stockade kid.

- What? Okay, no.

- Go. Go on. - There's no need for all that.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, now. Okay.

Ow, ow, ow. Hey! - Go.

Hurry up! - Hey, now.

[grunts]

You want me to just put myself in here?

- Would you be so kind?

That would really help me out.

- Let me call upon the ancestors

to help this girl/owl with her questions.

- You know I'm a girl/owl?

You are good.

- I told you, I'm the best.

Despite what that horrible woman

in the next tent says about me!

- Your peppers are subpar!

- [clears throat] The ancestors are here.

What would you like to ask them?

- I need to know,

what is Brendar's complicated backstory?

- Elephant tongue and wizard's ear,

eye of newt and tail of deer,

bring the past of Brendar near.

- [gasps]

Ew, her backstory smells skunky.

- Unless you want me to mess you up like I did

back at Gnarlia's castle, I'd let go.

- I'm not giving up this sprig

for a backstory nobody knows about.

- Nobody needs to know about it!

- You're facin' a macin', Brendar.

- So be it.

- And zap. Oh. Aw, zap.

Ooh, zap. Aw, zap.

Oh, come on.

[buzzer blares] - Loser.

- Oh, zap!

- I'm okay. - Another round?

- Well, I should do the responsible thing

and walk away with my quest potatoes.

But responsibility is for hatless losers.

Let's play.

- What happened to Brendar has molded her character.

She wasn't always this way.

[mysterious music]

I see her.

She's a young girl singing and jumping on her bed.

- Singing?

You must have the wrong barbarian.

- You mean the barbarian

that had her brother stolen by a demon?

- That's Brendar. - Yes.

And this is that day,

the day that changed her life forever.

- Huh?

- The attack came quickly.

Alvin went after their mother first.

Fear took over.

- Brendar!

- Brendar blamed herself

for not being able to save her brother.

The demon Alvin carried him away,

leaving Brendar totally alone.

- [screaming]

- I didn't know that Brendar blamed herself.

- That's because she doesn't want you to.

- Why? - She's a barbarian.

And the last thing they ever want to do is show weakness.

- I prefer to molt in private,

but that's just a me thing.

- [groans]

- Relinquish the rosemary, or I will end you.

- Bring it on, barbarian.

- It's on.

- I just polished this.

- Stop fighting! It's not worth it!

- Give me the sprig!

- All right, I'm gonna come back

and check on you in three hours.

- Okay. Wait, what? Three hours?

No, no, no, I gotta get garlic back to the dragon.

- Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

- [sighs] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I have an idea.

Why don't I sing for the garlic and my freedom?

- A song about how tasty and wonderful garlic is?

- You betcha.

- Well, I still don't trust you,

but I'll give it a shot.

- Great.

[upbeat lute music]

♪ Buy garlic, keeps the nostrils clear ♪

♪ So pungent, so austere ♪

♪ The king of the food frontier ♪

♪ Buy garlic, the rose of the onion tribe ♪

♪ The cooler cousin of the chive ♪

♪ The medicine I prescribe ♪

♪ Buy garlic if you're hungry, if you're sick ♪

♪ If you're just fine but need a lift ♪

♪ Get your buns over here, get a whiff ♪

♪ Buy garlic ♪

- It is so nice to hear music during these stressful times,

what with the plague and all. - Mm-hmm.

- I think that I am gonna take a bulb

of this delicious garlic.

- Oh, and don't forget to give us a review.

- Parking is hard,

but the garlic is five stars.

[shouting and crashing]

- Huh?

- Go! Go! - [screams]

- Come on, barbarian. Give me the sprig.

- Just. Use. Sage.

- [gasping]

Hey, wait!

- Stop fighting! It's not worth it!

- Well, thanks for the gossip. And the ghost peppers.

- Any time, amor.

- Let go! - No, you let go!

- Quit shoving! - You shoved me first!

- Cut it out! - You cut it out!

I'm gonna tell Gnarlia on you.

- Oh, see if I care. The sprig is mine.

- Ay, Dios mío!

What kind of idiot ruins a tent?

- It's my sprig! - It's mine!

- I got it!

- That's my friend and a guy my mom's dating.

- Hey, wait up.

- Stop fighting! It's not worth it!

- Gotta fly.

- Beelzebub's bum!

Now what am I gonna do with nine tiny hats?

- You can use them to keep your toes warm.

- How did you know I was missing a toe?

[crashing and grunting]

- Freedom! [all blubbering]

- Why, you krakens! Get back here!

- Give me that herb, you lug head!

- I will not relent.

This rosemary is for my Gnar Gnar.

- [grunts]

- [panting]

Stop fighting! It's not worth it!

- Oh.

[heavenly chorus sings]

[both grunting]

- Oh! My eggs!

- Give me the sprig.

- Stop fighting! It's not worth it!

- I need this rosemary for my quest.

- I need this rosemary for my girlfriend.

- No, it's not worth it because...

I have more rosemary.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Sorry. - Me too.

- Let's make like these potatoes

and peel out of here!

[laughs] - [chuckles]

- I can't wait to tell Brendar how wrong she was about you.

- Oh, how so?

- Well, she says dragons are quick to anger,

strike unexpectedly,

and find most humans to be too trusting.

- Well, Axe, you should have listened to your friends,

for you see, they are out getting ingredients

to make a stew...

of themselves.

[cackles]

- Yuck!

- So I just made up a song on the spot

and then sold a lot of extra garlic for the guy.

- You're a talented guy. - [panting]

Everybody, everybody, we gotta get out of here.

That dragon is not a very good dragon.

- You're all shiny. - Oh, thanks.

I know I look good, but-- - Yeah.

- Wait! He's going to eat you!

- What? - Imagine that.

Sending us for ingredients for a stew of us.

- [gasps] [laughter]

- Yes. Imagine that.

Hello, proteins. [cackles]

You think that tiny piece of flint will stop me?

[cackles]

[intense music]

[humming]

- At least we'll be in a delicious soup together.

peppers: Yay!

- I. Told. You. So.

- Well, you did warn them.

Doesn't feel good to be right.

- Well, it is bittersweet this time,

but in general, sure.

- [chuckles] - Can we stop now?

- No, we've got a whole bag of onions to get through.

Keep chopping.

- Well, this is not how I thought it would end.

- It was number two on my list.

Number one was becoming an afternoon snack for Mom.

It's kind of funny. Either way, I get eaten.

- I pictured I'd go out in a more sparkly robe.

- I thought for sure I'd fly into a window.

- Now that we're about to become a meal for a dragon,

I want to tell you that questing with you all

has been the most fun time of my life.

- Gotta admit, this trip has been...a trip.

- Remember when these two thought I was an evil wizard,

and then I was all like, "Big fan"?

[laughter]

- Yeah, we thought you were evil.

- Yeah.

Hey, Brendar, I'm sorry I pestered you

about your backstory.

It really is none of my business.

- It's okay.

I just don't talk about it because I'm ashamed.

I didn't stop Alvin from taking my brother

'cause I was too scared to do anything.

- You get scared? - Of course I get scared.

I'm scared of rejection and loneliness

and small talk,

and I'm terrified

of never seeing my brother again

and that, because of me,

you're all about to become dragon stew.

- Oh, we don't mind.

- Speak for yourself.

- Oh, okay. I don't mind.

- Thank you for helping me avenge my backstory,

even though we never got to save my brother.

[solemn music]

Since I lost him,

I've only ever had archenemies and rivals.

I've never had friends.

- [sniffling]

[crying]

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

I miss my grandma!

[sobbing]

- Axe, the tears.

[thunderclap] - It's raining tears.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I've been wanting to say this my whole life:

no restrictions apply!

- Axe, cut our ropes while he's distracted.

- [sobbing]

♪ ♪

- Sorry we can't stay for dinner.

[indistinct chatter]

That was a close one.

- Next stop, Alvin the demon.

- [growls]

- Are you coming?

- Hmm? You guys go ahead.

I'm gonna get some road snacks. come on, Axe.

- Um, she's not really going back

to get muffins, is she?

- Nope.

She's gonna go back and kick some dragon tail.

Get him, Brendar.

- [grunts]

Miss me, buttercup?

- Ouchie!

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