Original subtitles

No, that's fine, hon.

Of course.

Oh, I completely understand.

Honestly fine. Please.

Yeah, we will.

All right. Love you, bye.

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What happened? What happened?

Charlotte's pulled out.

Oh, my God. I thought you'd hurt yourself.

She ate some old rice and now she says she's too sick to come.

I knew she'd fucking do this.

This specifically? Don't eat rice from the fridge

if you don't know how long it's been there.

I mean, she's probably lying, isn't she?

That would be just like her. Let's get you up.

All right, come on.

Our numbers are all out now. Oh... We may as well cancel.

See, this is why I don't throw parties because nobody gives a shit.

OK, we can't cancel now.

Everyone's on their way. Oh, my God. Call Dan.

Ha... No. Why not?

Because he's got a girlfriend.

Oh, he was over the other night.

Hm. They're open.

Christ, what's that mean then?

It means that, uh, he is in love with her,

but actually has sex with me.

Well, that's perfect. You look like a total slut tonight.

Oi! The tits!

Well...

Good point, actually.

No, no, no, no. I'll call Joe. I'll call Joe. Really?

Yeah, yeah, he's always keen to hang out. Joe? Yeah.

Joe. Mm-hm.

Hey, Joe.

We're doing this murder mystery party thing at our house

and, um, I thought you might be free tonight.

You are? Great, fantastic.

Tell him to bring a chair.

Sorry. What? We don't have enough.

What were you going to do before?

I dunno. Take turns on the ones we have.

Uh, sorry, yes.

Uh, can you bring a chair? It's a very weird question.

Yeah. Great.

OK. We'll see you soon.

OK, great. See you soon.

I'm so sorry, I have to go.

It's OK.

Little welcome treat.

Much obliged. Merci beaucoup.

So where were you on the night of the moi-der?

I was in the kitchen. Hm... Yeah.

Erm, so how... How do you know Jessie?

Yeah, we, uh, we went to school together. Ah, OK.

Uh, yeah. OK.

Didn't actually get along that well.

Oh, right. What did you...? What sort of arguments did you have?

Um, not so much...

I stole money from her.

OK.

My... Did I find my own fingerprints? Hm. No.

I'll get back to you later. OK.

Well, hello there, little Missy.

I can't help but notice you're left handed.

The same as the killer.

Are you done? Play along.

Go away.

What's your issue? What? Nothing.

That a wig?

Are you a fan of British comedy?

Yeah. Yeah.

You haven't seen British comedy

until you've seen Manuel absolutely struggle with some plates.

Fawlty Towers, very good.

That's right, yeah.

It's like we're so glued to our phones we can't even look at someone

face-to-face any more. Hm, completely.

You know, even just yesterday...

Yeah, it's like we've been conditioned

to become these like narcissistic mindless freaks. Mm-hm.

We're rewarded with likes. It's an addiction.

Sorry, do you need any help in here?

I'm good, thank you. That's really kind of you.

Do you like the red wine?

It's good for a cheap wine, I guess.

Different strokes. Yeah.

Well, it can't have been me,

I was visiting the apothecary.

A-pothecary.

Apothe-Cary.

Apothecary...

"All good if you're busy." Jesus Christ, what have you done?

What are you doing?

I'm getting into character.

Well, can you hurry up?

I think I might actually kill Sarah at this party.

Sounds like that there may be two murders on our hands this evening.

What was that? What?

Don't do that voice out there.

Please, don't do that voice. Don't do it.

OK. Oh, my God.

Oh!

Oh, oh...

Hello?

Hello.

Sorry is this Jessie? It's Tom.

Tom!

Of course, sorry.

I, uh... I just... Obviously, what I did is I didn't save your number,

um, in my phone so it just kind of came up as a random number instead.

How are you, pal?

Uh... Yeah, I'm good.

Hey, sorry to call out the blue. Are you up to anything right now?

No. No, no, um... What, why?

I have this audition I've got to do.

Congratulations. I...

The character's Australian. Oh.

Gross. Yeah, right.

Um, well... You're the closest I've got.

To an Australian, I mean

and, um, I, I just thought maybe you'd be able to...

tell me if I'm completely embarrassing myself

with this accent.

Mm. OK. Oh, well, yeah, I mean, um...

Oh, you mean come over now? Yeah. Do you...?

I know it's short notice but, um, I dunno, I... I just thought

maybe you'd be keen. Uh, to record it I mean.

To... To... To help me.

But, uh, it if it's a bad... Mm, mm, yeah, yeah no, no.

Um, yeah, sorry, of course. Come on over.

I mean, like, it's totally fine, yeah.

Great. OK.

Thanks. Cool!

I mean... I mean, I'm always keen to help an old cobber

if he's in a bit of a pickle.

Actually I've just remembered I'm busy tonight.

I'm kidding.

Of course. Sorry, sorry.

I'll see you, I'll see you soon. OK, yeah. OK.

All right, bye. Bye.

Bye-bye, bye-bye.

Oh...

That's fine.

That's... Yeah.

Hello?

Hi, it's Joe.

Quick, get in before anyone sees. Yeah.

Why have you brought two chairs?

Didn't know what kind you'd want.

Christ.

Oh, Joe. Hi.

Thanks for coming.

I wouldn't miss it for the world. So...

And we actually have met before. No costume?

I didn't really have time. I...

Your character is Baroness Von Humperdinck,

a socialite with a chequered past.

Oof. Right, well...

Well, I'll try and fit this through.

Don't know if she likes me.

I don't think she does. OK.

How can you say zat I am ze murderer

when at ze same time as ze murder,

I caught these two in ze early stages of coitus, both of you.

Ooh... Ooh! Yes, how do you explain zat?

I hardly know this bird. I was port-side swabbing the deck.

So sorry, I can't understand. What accent are you trying to do?

Right, well, it's a cockney. It's clearly a British cockney accent.

Oh, it was cockney? Yeah, that was, actually.

Excuse me, zere has been a murder.

Nobody is doing an accent so let's focus on the murder.

Yes, the murder.

Well, I certainly have an alibi.

You see, I was down at the oil mill

'cos I'm an oil man and I was searching for oil at the oil mill

so I am spoken for. Much obliged.

Those accents you're fine with, though? Yeah.

I can understand good accents.

Oh. Who's that then? I'll get it.

If that's Charlotte, tell her she's trespassing.

It says here at 8.55 a.m.,

ze kitchen boy found a bloody cummerbund on the cellar floor.

G'day, mate.

Hi. Hi. Wow.

Uh, what are you wearing? Oh!

This... This little thing.

Uh, no we're just having some friends over for dinner,

just a casual thing.

OK, uh, is it still all right for me to come in?

Course, yeah. Totally.

What are these? Oh, yeah, I, um...

I didn't want to turn up empty-handed

and these are the only things I've seen you eat so they're for you.

Oh! Oh, that's so sweet.

Wow.

Let's get these in some water, shall we?

Your weapon card. You've got the weapon card, so you keep that.

Oh, yeah, there's a main course.

That's for you and then I'll keep this.

Hi, guys. Sorry, this is Tom. Tom, this is everybody.

Hi, everyone. Hey. Well, hello, Tom.

Oh, my God, Tom, hi! How are you? Yeah, I'm...

I'm so glad to see you! Are you, um, coming to my party? 'Cos...

Good thing I brought two chairs. Ha!

Or you'd have been on the floor, mate.

Oh, my God, sorry. He's not staying for the party.

He's just here to record something so he'll be really quick.

Uh, my room's up on the stairs on the right. Sorry. OK, OK.

But we're in the middle of a game. I'm not the murderer, it's fine.

Aw! Jessie! What?!

OK, so that ruins everything.

Just get a grip, OK?

Look, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

We're all nearly in our 30s.

Was that Tom Kapoor?

I think it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely, definitely.

Be classy, please!

No, that's weird.

Hi. Hey. This is my room.

It's very nice. Yeah.

I'll give you the grand tour.

Um...

This is a plant I've recently killed. Oh, yeah.

That looks really dead. Yeah. So...

Thank you for doing this, by the way. It's really helpful.

No, no, it's fine.

It's good to have an excuse to get away

from everything downstairs so...

Right, well, I promise it'll be over quick.

I actually have a super-early flight tomorrow, so... Sure.

I... Yeah, and I've, um, got to reset the mousetraps

in the kitchen tomorrow morning as well so I...

We've both got big days. Right, yeah. So...

Should we, uh...? Yeah, so, yeah, um, I'll...

Yeah. OK... probably sit...

He had sex with Jessie? Yes.

What? Oh, my God! Was it on purpose?

Don't say it like that.

I'm not saying it like anything, I'm just surprised.

I'm more surprised she's into him.

Well, that's stupid. He's stunning and rich.

Yeah, did you smell him? He smelt so good. Mm...

Yeah, rich people always smell good.

I don't think Jessie's the kind of person

who goes for that sort of stuff.

Uh, every person looks for that sort of stuff. There's no other stuff.

How old is he? He's 32, I've already checked.

He's probably lying.

Celebrities always do that.

He actually plays squash at my club.

No!

How could you not tell me that?

Oh, my God.

Thought I mentioned it the... the other day.

And action.

Sorry, sorry... Sorry, should I say action? It's, what is....

What's industry standard?

Don't say action. Don't say action. Yeah. Got it, OK.

Thank you.

Sorry, I've got the first line.

Sorry, sorry, I... Oh, yeah, so I don't have to say action.

Yeah. I'll just do the line. Yeah. Uh, OK...

No. Right, here we go.

OK.

With all due respect, Mr Ashton, if you think you can come here

and demand the plans for the Willoughby farm,

you are sadly mistaken.

I'm not asking. I'm telling.

Jessie? Sorry, sorry.

You OK? Yeah. Yeah.

What's up? I don't want to freak you out. That was really good.

That was just, um... OK, don't act so surprised.

I'm not surprised! I'm just... I'm impressed, I'm impressed.

Whoa, OK. OK. I've heard it once now

so I can do it to the end. Yeah, fine, cool. OK, here we go.

With all due respect, Mr Ashton, if you think you can come here

and demand the plans for the Willoughby farm,

you are sadly mistaken. I'm not asking. I'm telling.

I can't...

Well, I won't be told anything.

You misunderstand.

This is a courtesy. I'm not waiting for your permission.

Sorry. Come on!

I just... It's so good that it's freaking me out.

OK, OK. We'll do it again.

OK, fine. One more. Professional.

Yeah. I'm sorry. OK. This is the one. OK, here we go.

Whoo!

With all due respect, Mr Ashton, if you think you can come here

and demand the plans for the Willoughby farm,

you are sadly mistaken.

I'm not asking. I'm telling.

I won't be told anything.

You misunderstand.

This is a courtesy. I'm not waiting for your permission.

Move aside, Mr. Mayor.

He's the mayor? Jessie! Oh, sorry! Come on.

I'm sorry, that's just a big plot point.

OK, give me the phone. No, no, no, no, no!

I promise. One more... I promise. You get one more shot.

Yes. OK. Sorry. Just really... He's the mayor?

Yeah. That's insane.

No, I know it's a wild plot twist. OK, come on. I mean... OK.

I'm going to ask if he wants to stay for dinner. Yes.

Such a nice touch. Do it. Jessie will be mortified.

It's fine. I'll be chill.

Are we done playing the murder mystery game?

Can I take this hat off now? No!

I thought that was just what you normally wear.

I thought it looked really good, actually.

You misunderstand. This is a courtesy.

I think these are pretty good. You seem Australian.

Now all I have to do is master the New Zealand accent.

Ha-ha! Can't be done. Don't even try.

Can't be done. Don't even try. OK.

You're good.

Can't believe you can just watch yourself back like that.

Comes with the job, I guess.

I would hate to watch myself.

Why? Cos I hate to just look at my own face.

I think you have a nice face.

That's a lovely thing to say.

If only I respected your opinion. Oh.

Can I... talk to you for a second?

What do you want? How's it going in there? Fine.

Yeah.

Is that all you called me out here for? Is Tom staying for dinner?

No. He's possibly... Yeah, going to go.

Probably? Yeah.

OK. I think so.

Oh. Hm.

No, don't. Don't. Don't!

Tom, uh, Jessie and I were wondering if you wanted to stay for dinner.

Uh, yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.

Great!

I'll make up a place.

See you out there. OK.

Thanks, Kate!

You totally don't have to stay for dinner.

No, no, please. I'd like to. Um...

Great. Yeah.

Let me just... Oh, no.

You don't have to do that.

Well, you never know. Might save him.

Well, thanks.

That's actually a she though, so...

Hurry up, everyone give a spoon.

Quickly, quick, as you can please.

OK.

Joe?

It looks as though he has enough there.

Hm.

Do you want some bread, Tom?

Yes, how old are you, Tom?

Um, no, I'm good for bread, thank you.

Could I get some more parsley, though? Oh, of course.

I'm joking. He's joking.

There's actually a lot.

Really impressive. No-one else thought that was rude?

Yeah.

Reese Witherspoon!

No, it's not Reese Witherspoon. Natalie Portman. No.

What is this game?

A celebrity is coming to dinner, but will they fit through the door?

The Duchess of Cambridge? Who?

So we have to guess who they are based on their height? Yes.

And what if they don't fit?

Then they're not invited to dinner. Jason Statham!

No, it's not Jason Statham.

Ooh, ooh, Reese Witherspoon. No. Oh, my God.

Shia LaBeouf. No, it's not Shia LaBeouf.

Oh, it's never him. No-one ever picks him.

Oh, uh, Scarlett Johansson.

Yes!

Oh, my God. How did you guess that?

Oh, well, she... She came up to about here on me.

You met her? Very cool.

That's unfair advantage.

Wait, so did you work with her?

No, we just met a couple of times. Very cool.

But she's so tiny. I could fit her entire body into my body.

Oh, she could wear your skin as a onesie, couldn't she?

All right, me next. Give me the tape measure.

Right so, um, OK, um...

Ooh, tall!

I'd actually prefer it if she wore your skin as a onesie.

Sorry, what was that? You heard what I said.

No, I, I didn't quite... I said I'd actually prefer it...

Yeah... if she wore your skin as a onesie. That's dis... disgusting.

I think it's very complimentary. Why would you say that to me?

Hagrid. It can't be a character!

Hagrid, Hagrid! Yes. Yes! Hagrid's taller than that. No!

Yeah, you can... You can...

If you want to stay, you can stay.

It's obviously...

an early morning for you, so...

if you want to stay over then that's fine.

Like, watch a movie or, or...

You should stay. Yeah, if you want to stay, if that's what you want.

I have, like, a king single so that's fine.

We can fit probably both. I'm happy to... to host that, like...

You want to have sex? OK.

Sure. See you upstairs.

What are you saying?

What are you saying to yourself?

Just ask him to stay.

Would you like to stay over?

Don't do the hand.

Bye, thank you. Mwah!

Oh, no, um, sorry. That's actually mine. Oh.

And that's mine as well. Oh.

I brought it from home. Sorry, mate.

That's all right. Mate.

Jessie's a really special girl.

Yeah, she is.

We all just... adore her.

Me too.

And we think Dan's just great for her at the moment.

Oh.

Are they seeing each other again? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty on and off, but, um...

From what I'm hearing, it's very much on at the moment.

I think I've met him, actually.

That's great. He's great. He's a great guy. Yeah, he's a great guy.

OK.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Oh. Are you off?

Yeah. I've got to go pack.

Oh, um...

Right. I was going to say, if you wanted to stay, um... What?

Uh... Stay and what?

My little Miss Scarlet.

Hey, Dan. Hi, man.

Did you save me some food?

Bye. Is any of this vegan?

Bye...

I'm off, then.

Oh, and, um, if Katy's to know, I was the murderer.

That's fine.

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