Original subtitles

Mind your head.

OK. Thanks.

Bye. Bye.

We probably won't see each other again, right?

It's unlikely. Sweet.

♪ Oooooh

♪ Come on

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Well I tried to tell you so Yes, I did

♪ But I guess you didn't know

♪ As the saddest story goes

♪ Baby, now I got the flow

♪ Cos I knew it from the start

♪ Baby, when you broke my heart

♪ That I had to come again

♪ And show you that I'd win

♪ You lied to me

♪ All those times I said that I loved you

♪ You lied to me

♪ Even though you knew I'd die for you

♪ You lied to me

♪ Yes, I cried Yes, I cried

♪ Return of the mack There it is

♪ Return of the mack Come on

♪ Return of the mack Oh, my God... ♪

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You had sex? Yeah, boy!

Woo!

Yes!

Come on!

Ooh!

Do you have the hairbrush? Uh, I have my hairbrush.

Oh, come on, I'm going to be late for work.

Weren't you supposed to start like an hour ago?

Oh, my God. Did the clocks change?

Yeah. Last month.

Oh, pathetic.

Oh, there it is.

Oh! Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Well, well, well.

When it rains, it pours. What?

♪ Oh, Danny boy

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪

Dan?! No, you cannot see him.

I can't help it if these boys are obsessed with me.

He's hot, but he's a bit naff.

Yeah.

What's he saying then? Nothing.

Oi!

He just asked if I was around for a drink this afternoon.

You freak. What did you say?

Said I might be.

Yeah.

Hey! Oh, don't...

"Lol yeah."

Mm-hm. "Keen, keen, keen.

"Where and when? I'm free all day."

It's a casual afternoon drink.

And if we have sex. If... Oh, my God.

we have sex... Oh, my God. It means nothing.

Actually come on.

Afternoon sex is basically an errand.

Fine. Do what you want.

But use protection.

Mm-hm.

I'm not child-proofing this flat.

OK.

Do you really think it's a good idea?

It's fine. I don't like him. He's just my friend.

So you're not going to sleep with him, then?

Oh, no, I definitely will yeah.

Right.

Honestly, I can stay until the end of the shift if you can't cover.

No, it's fine, it's fine.

I can handle this lot.

Go. Do your thang, girl.

Oh, I've messed it up.

I shouldn't have drawn his teeth.

I don't like him.

Humphrey Bogart? Yeah.

Oh, right.

You know he's in the film you're about to watch?

He wishes. OK.

Don't you think it's just hard to be friends

with people you've had sex with? Well we've had sex. We're friends.

Well yes.

But that's... That's like, that, that, that, that...

that's different. That's like a different vibe, you know?

Plus, it was only one time.

Barely even remember it.

If anything, I've tried to block it out.

Oh, my gosh, I've written "Cavaslanka". Oh...

No, no, please, please, please, don't... Oh, no, no, no! No, no!

We can't, we can't, we can't... We can't... No, no, no!

I, uh... It's exact money.

It's so tiring. It takes us so long to...

It's such a tiring thing.

Hi! Oh, my God! Oh!

Hi. That's...

What are you doing? Pretending to read again?

Yes. That's good.

Oh, so good to see you. Hi, you look great.

Thank you.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's fine, no, no. It's fine, yeah. No, I've just been...

Haven't been here for long, so it's fine. Good! Cool.

So how are you? What's going on?

I'm great. No, yeah, I'm great. Just came from work.

Oh, how's the cinema biz?

Great. Yeah? It's booming.

You running the place yet? Yes! Finally.

No, they actually let me use the photocopier now

because I make this, like, monthly newsletter.

Very cool.

Yes! It's, um, it's actually mainly just to tell them

not to download porn on our Wi-Fi.

Really? God!

No, it's all right. That was, that was... That was a joke. Oh!

I mean, that's not a bad idea.

No!

Yeah.

How's...? How's your work? How's the cafe?

Still in the cafe with the dusty cakes in the windows? Yeah, yeah.

Still there.

But it's all chill. I've just been sort of, um, yeah,

mainly focusing on my music, really.

Sorry, what music?

MY music. You know about my music.

Yeah. Sorry... No, sorry when you said...

Yeah. Your music.

Yeah. Yes!

I love it. Yeah, I know. Hm. Yeah.

What kind of music is it?

Ooh, at the minute... I've been trying to move away from dub.

But, like, it's impossible.

Right. Hm. You know me.

Yeah. I know you.

Right, where is it? Uh... Oh, bugger!

Oh, dear. Hang on.

There we are. Aw!

Aw! Look at that.

It's nice.

Nice? Oh, piss off! That's fucking romantic, that is.

Side-by-side burial plots. She's going to lose her mind.

I thought you said she wanted a new watch.

No, that was a trap. See if I'll take the easy route.

Stop distracting me. I'm trying to find you something.

You're the one who started showing me burial plots.

Oh, yeah. Here we are.

Now the script is a piece of shit but the money is outrageous.

What's the part?

Todd Emery.

An unlucky-in-love optometrist who falls in love with a blind girl.

Rachel McAdams is already attached.

OK, this might be a crazy idea, but how about we try and find

something for me that's actually good?

What? Like a little indie film?

Dunno. Maybe.

Why? Are you putting on weight? Oh, forget it.

Are you unwell? Let me see... Nothing's wrong with me.

What's going on with you? Why are you doing this to me?

So, to cut a long story short,

it wasn't their cat, so I had to give the money back.

But, um, they asked me to stay for dinner, so...

That's my Saturday.

What?

I've missed you.

Ooh, OK.

Dan.

Jessie.

Oh, before this happens, I just want to say, I love being friends

and I would love to continue that friendship.

Yeah? Great. Me too.

So, uh, obviously we can go back to my house, but I, uh...

I just want to warn you there is a weird smell in my room at the moment

but I feel like, if you know the context of a smelly

then it kind of feel less weird when you smell it... Jessie!

Jessie! Wait, I'm...

Ah! This is awkward.

Uh...

you know I'm in a relationship, right?

No, you aren't.

Yeah. I am, big time.

Ooh...

Who? Who's...? Who, who?

Claire.

Claire. Claire!

Oh, wow!

Claire from the cafe.

Old Claire. Old Claire with the, um, sh...

Fringe! She's got a fringe.

How do you know she's got a fringe? Oh, you know.

Anyone who follows her on Instagram knows that she's...

It's been a big transition for her.

Really big year, so that's kind of...

No, no, um, I...

That's so cool cos you and Claire both have fringes.

Why are you being like this?

Like, you literally just said that you just want to be friends.

I... No, no, no. Sorry. No, I...

And I stand by that. I totally stand by...

I want to be your friend, but I just feel like you sort of

getting into a proper relationship is sort of a step too far

and, um, quite rude... and ultimately uncalled for...

Well look... I mean, we're pretty much open anyway, so...

Oh! Oh, OK, cool.

Cool dude.

Nice!

This is not 1967. Honestly.

Why are you lashing out at me? I am not lashing out.

The way I'm reacting to this is entirely consistent

with my personality.

Jessie, come on! Oh! Sorry...

My ride is two minutes away.

Erm, give my love to Fringe.

Right, well... It's Claire.

Yeah, whatever.

You do you.

Do you know what I mean? It's like...

I'm telling you, I think it's cancer. I don't have long.

Cath, you don't have eye cancer.

How do you know? You're not a doctor? I've got all the symptoms.

Look. That's not a... You're just twitching your eye.

That's not a symptom.

Thank you. No worries.

It was delicious, by the way.

Wow, I'm... I'm really glad.

Thank you.

No worries.

Have a good night. Thanks. You too.

No.

What? You can't fuck civilians.

Sh...

I should fire you.

Oh, you're not going to fire me. I "A-Star-Is-Born" you.

You can't call people civilians.

To you, that's what they are.

These girls know lots more about you than you know about them.

It's not normal. Oh, God!

All I'm saying is, there is a reason actors date other actors.

It's just easier.

Wow, you're a true romantic, Cath.

Well, it's easier for everyone.

I mean, half the time these poor people don't know

what they're getting into with your lot.

I mean, look at Reese Witherspoon's husband.

What about him?

He died.

No, he didn't. He didn't?

Well, who am I thinking of?

Always a pleasure, Cath.

I don't mean to scare you.

I'm not being dramatic, but I will say this.

Dating someone like you will most likely ruin a girl's life forever.

Wow! OK.

Or worse... yours.

Or, by extension... mine.

So... Yeah.

Just a few things to think about.

Mm-hm. OK? OK.

I love you. Love you, too.

I'm going to skedaddle.

Oh, and listen...

if you think about eating bread, call me and I'll talk you down.

No bread.

Say it.

No bread. Got it?

Fucking hell!

So you're on a corner?

You're on a corner.

Fuck off.

No, I don't want to cancel, because then that's how they get your money.

They do the cancellation fees and... Uh, no, not you. I mean, like,

the fat cats higher up. You sound lovely. You sound great.

So, I don't just...

If you come around the, um, block and I'll meet,

I'll meet you on the corner. I'm on the corner,

if that is any help. It's just...

Yeah, OK, I'll see you then. Gre...

I mean, super excited to meet you, man. I mean...

this is going to be great. All right, goodbye.

Jessie?

Huh! Wow, hi.

I just, I saw you through the window. Cool. Yeah. Yes.

It's been a while. Yeah, I'm just waiting for a car, so, uh...

that's why I'm here. Oh, OK.

Yeah, are you following me?

No. 'Cos obviously, I'm not following you... 'cos, you know...

Jess... you were the one that came and said hi from the window.

Oh, God.

Hi. Ah.

You forgot your book.

Great. Thank you. That's all right.

Dan, this is Tom. Tom, this is Dan.

Hey. Fuck off!

It's... You're that dude from... from what's-it-called?

Mate, I'm such a big fan. Are you? Yeah! Hey, look, I know

it's a bit awkward, but can I get a photo with you?

My brother's like, he'd freak if, if he knew I was with you.

No, that's, that's cool. Are you sure?

Jessie.

Oh...

Oh, great. Great, OK.

Ha-ha! Didn't know this one had a camera. This is mad.

How'd you two know each other, then? OK, great.

Well, there we go, because my carts here, actually.

Good to see you, Tom. Good to see you, Dan. That's me, so...

Oh, my God! Literally insane!

Sorry, sorry... Can I get a photo?

What?! Yeah, of course.

Loved you in the Avengers.

I wasn't in that. Yes, you were. OK.

OK, so, uh, I've got like half a pint left in the pub,

so I'm going to bounce, all right? OK.

Oh, actually... Look, dude, do you want a... little drink?

No, you're good, mate. Sure? All right, cool.

Hey, this was nice, right?

No, it wasn't. Yeah, true.

All right, man, see you later.

Can you take a photo? Oh.

Then I can take yours... No, no, no, it's OK. No, no, it's fine.

Oh, my God! OK.

Hey, say hi to your girlfriend for me.

What? You heard.

Oh. I don't have a girlfriend. Yes, you do.

Stop ruining my cool moment with the window.

Can we just get a drink?

No.

Wait, so you broke up on your birthday? Yep.

You said that you broke up on New Year's Eve.

That is my birthday. Oh.

I'm so sorry. Yeah.

So, do you combine parties, or do you...

you just do another thing on another day?

Are you sorry about me breaking up or about my birthday

being on New Year's Eve? Mainly the birthday th...

Yeah, mainly the birthday thing. Yeah, me too, actually.

Oh, really? Yeah.

It's funny cos we... Well, I, um, I nearly made the Daily Mail,

uh, the morning that you, um, well, that we...

Yeah. Shit, I'm so sorry. No, no, it's fine.

It was funny. It was, it was quite funny.

They thought I was the cleaner so... you're safe.

I mean, the speed at which they assumed that was...

was pretty offensive. Well that's ridiculous.

I mean, if anything, you left a real mess.

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, um, OK.

Mm-hm.

I didn't even put a towel down. That was a... that was a bold move.

My bed looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. Shut up.

I had to burn my sheets. No, you... No, you didn't.

No, I didn't. I put them in the freezer as a keepsake.

Sorry, I just have to make a quick call, um... Uh...

Hello, Metropolitan police? I need...

Yeah... OK, no, I'll hold.

Who played the titular Father Ted?

Dermot Morgan. Remember, guys, this one is worth five points.

What? The quiz. It is Dermot Morgan.

Oh! You got it right.

I love pub quizzes. In a healthy way, not in a psycho way.

Yeah, me too. I love them. I mean, people would say

I'm quite competitive when I do it, but I don't...

Way too loud.

What was that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Uh, just a reminder that teams need to pay the five quid to

participate in the quiz.

Sorry.

Question nine: Name three members of the cast

from the 1983 film "The Outsiders".

C Thomas Howell, Patrick Swayze, Ralph Macchio, Emilio Estevez,

Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon.

How do you know that?

Oh, I, um, I used to be a virgin.

OK. That's gross.

It's gross?

I... You can't say that. I can say that.

That... Well OK. No, no, no. What? OK.

I have a good one. Very good one. OK.

OK, I... The options are... Give it to me.

either you can kill a chicken with your bare hands,

or you can live with the chicken for a year.

Live with the chicken?

No, sorry, uh, it has to live inside. Why can't it live outside?

Because the chicken's paying rent.

Do you... do you want to be that kind of landlord? Ah.

Really? Yeah, OK, then kill him. Oh! Yeah. Cool.

I'd do the same.

Um, this is where I live.

Oh. Looks nice.

It is, yes, it is. It's very nice.

It's, um, the ninth of it that is ours is pretty cozy.

Right.

So...

I'll see you later.

Actually, um... Uh-huh.

probably not. Uh, I'm away for a bit now.

Oh! Oh, cool, yeah. Yeah.

Where are you going? Prague. Wow.

You can't just make up a country, Tom.

Just so you don't... "OK, I'm going to Prague."

Great. Well yeah, I am. Yeah, OK.

Well... that's good.

Could I use your loo, actually? Yes, totally. Yeah?

No, of course, yes. Cool. Should have said earlier, yeah.

Just... Just be very quiet...

Where have you been?! I've been texting you I...

Hey. I'm Kate. Tom.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Tom. Uh... Tom, Tom's, um, here to use the, uh, the bathroom.

OK, cool. Great, yeah.

Uh, love it, it's great up there.

I could show you, if...

It's... just on the left. just on the left, yeah. OK.

What the fuck?! Shut up. What's he doing here?

I thought you were supposed to be with Dan.

Well, I was with Dan and then Tom was there for some reason,

and then Dan is now going out with Claire, and Claire has a fringe now.

And just a lot has happened. Oh, my God!

When it rains, it absolutely pisses itself.

What the fuck?! We're out of fucking tea.

Will he have whisky? We have ice cream. What's the vibe?

That's the thing, I don't know what the vibe is because he was like,

"Do you want to go for a drink?" We went for a drink, and then

he was like, "I'll walk a little bit of the way with you,"

and then he's walked all the way here, and then now he's in here

and he's upstairs at the bathroom and I don't know what that is...

as a vibe.

OK, so the vibe is that he has made some bulshit excuse to come over to

our house, because he's in love with you and you are going to have sex.

Stop it. Stop it. Shut up. Oh!

You're going to go to the Oscars! Sh. Shut...

Have you seen how hot he is?

Calm down. You don't understand. You're going to embarrass me.

You're going to embarrass me. This is the best thing ever.

That's why I'm freaking out.

What are you doing?

You are making this horrible. I'm going to do whatever...

You don't get... Hey.

How did every...? How was everything up there?

You were right... It's a real party in there. Oh, thank you!

I'd better be off.

Oh, are you sure? Because...

Yeah, no, of course, yeah, yes.

It was lovely to meet you.

It was lovely to meet you, Tom.

I'm sorry. She... It was great to see you, pal.

You too, yeah.

Um, I'll sh... I'll show you out, sorry.

Uh, yeah. I'll just...

I'll see you around. Yeah, totally.

Goodnight. Night.

Pal. pal?

Yeah, it's not great.

Fucking pal.

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