Original subtitles

No. Why not? I don't want to. You have to. I write my own destiny.

Look, being sad doesn't make you interesting.

I am not sad, I just don't observe the western notion of the new year.

Oh, really? Yeah, I celebrate Chinese New Year, actually.

Oh, right, OK. When is Chinese New Year?

May, is it?

Right, I genuinely don't have time for this.

I look amazing and you look OK.

I'll see you in there. Fine-ah!

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Um, you're breaking my balls here. Yes!

Happy New Year!

Woo! OK, baby.

We're going to have a good night.

It's going to be a really interesting year for currency.

It's going to be so...

There's so many currencies now which are just on the up, you know?

I mean, you have to know which to go for.

Aluminium, you've got to invest in aluminium, that's the big one,

then gold. Bitcoin is...

I know it's a cliche, but Bitcoin is the one.

That's the interesting thing about Bitcoin,

it really is the people's currency.

Oh, I love it. Mm. Another round?

Yes. Yeah.

I'm sorry, yes, yes, um, I would love another gin and tonic.

OK.

I'll have a glass of red wine.

Ooh. Oh, I will also have that.

A glass of red wine, in addition to the gin and tonic.

No problem, whatever the lady wants.

Oh, my God.

Just so you know, I'm only interested in Kate.

Yeah, OK. Just Kate.

Copy that. Thanks.

What was that?

He thinks you're fit.

Oh, my God!

That's electric.

Kate! Shall we get espresso Martinis?

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Hello?

My... my name is Jessie. I just need a pee.

I'm a very normal girl.

Poor Donna.

James, James Bond.

You're drunk. You're drunk.

Jessie is drunk.

Yeah.

Hi-lo... hello.

Hi, Jessie.

How did you know my name?

You've said it a number of times since you came in here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, right.

What were you doing in there?

Peeing. Pee...?

Well, you can do it standing up.

Yeah, I treated myself to a sit-down one.

Being able to pee standing up is a gift. What...?

You would pee in a gift horse mouth?

Yeah, I would.

Disgusting.

You know, it's " Bond, James Bond".

You were doing it the wrong way round.

That was actually a private conversation. Oh, OK.

Yeah. Sorry.

OK, no worries.

You were right about one thing, though...

you do seem drunk.

OK.

Tah.

Oh!

So is it an actual coin?

Uh, uh, no.

Uh... no. Right.

It... it... Yeah.

So it's, like, modern...? Yeah.

Yep. Yeah, it's kind of like a modern, you know,

it's the modern currency. It's the modern currency.

So if I said, can I have a bit...?

Yeah, I'd say, "Yes, please, come to my office right away".

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm just joking.

People say I have a kind of random sense of humour.

You're funny.

You're funny.

Uh, oh, that's my library card. I love to read.

There you go. I've got some more in here.

I've got some more.

Hey, bathroom.

Hey, hello again. Yeah.

I know you.

Do you work at the Shepherd's Bush Superdrug?

No.

What? Well, that's crazy.

Well there is someone who works there who looks exactly like you.

It's not me. OK.

Is he good-looking?

Sorry, what? Superdrug guy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh, "schmokin".

Awooga.

OK, well thanks.

No, it's...

I mean, the Superdrug guy was hot.

But you said I look just like him.

No, I mean, I feel... you, you've got a similar issence to him.

What?

You have a similar essence.

Oh, right, you didn't say essence, you said issince.

Oh, ha-ha, funny.

I've got a funny accent. Great.

Ten, nine, eight...

I don't want to lose my spot.

Fair enough.

You don't have to kiss me or anything.

Genuinely didn't cross my mind.

two, one.

Shall we split this or should I... I put some

money into your account, or...?

No, it's fine, don't worry, I've got it. OK.

So, you want to have sex? We're having sex.

Yeah, I know, but do you want to? Yeah. Yeah, OK.

I'm just checking it's not a mistake.

No, it's not a mistake. OK. All right.

Wait, do you want to be having sex?

Yeah.

You? Yeah.

OK, great, woo! OK. All right.

Oi. Yeah?

What's your name?

You don't know my name?

I know who you are.

Yeah, I should hope so.

You're the guy from the thing, um...

What? Oh, my... oh, my God. Huh.

What the hell How could you not tell me this?

What do you mean? Who you are.

What you do.

I did, actually.

What do you do?

I'm an actor.

Ugh, no thanks.

When did we eat cereal

Why are you wearing my coat?

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

OK, I'm not sure why you're freaking out, but... Oh, my God. Oh.

Oh, I can't believe I let you go down on me.

Let me? You told me to.

Well you shouldn't have done it

cos, if I'd have known who you were, I would not have let that happen.

You didn't seem to mind last night.

Well I was acting.

No, you weren't.

Were you? No.

No.

Well yes, yeah, yeah, um, yeah.

I was, only cos I can't, I can't, you know,

when I'm tipsy and so...

I still... I still enjoyed it.

OK. Yeah.

Sorry. No, no, it's fine, I mean, same, you know?

Yeah.

Sorry, what do you mean by that? I mean...

I didn't either, you know?

Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

Mm, I'm pretty sure you did.

No, I really didn't. No, you did. No.

What, you... so you faked it?

Yeah, I guess.

I can't... I can't believe this.

What? You just told me you did exactly the same thing.

I must not have been giving it my all.

Hm, I think you were trying pretty hard.

Sorry, no offence, but you didn't see me at full til, obviously.

Oh, I'm pretty sure I saw it all.

I think, if you'd have seen it all you would know.

Really? Mm, like you wouldn't be able to walk.

God, that sounds awful. Yeah, I know.

You'd be ruined for other women.

Hm. Hm.

Well for the record,

I wasn't really trying either.

Not true, actually, I... I specifically remember you

saying, "This is some of my best stuff."

Yeah, I would never have said that.

Ah, that was the subtext of what you were saying,

I was reading between the lines.

Can you believe that was still only 75%?

Oh, my God, stop trying to win at kissing.

Um, can you stop trying to win at kissing?

I'm obviously better at it than you.

Jesus, you look like shit.

Hey, it's New Year's Day, what do you... what do you expect from me?

To not show up to work in last night's clothes.

You know what? That is fair. That is really fair.

Aren't you going to ask, though, why I haven't changed or...?

No. It's a great story though.

Kids, Jessie's here.

I thought we were getting Shivani.

Oh, my God, why don't you just marry Shivani, then?

I don't want to marry her. There's nothing in the fridge.

I'm going to bed.

All right, hand it over. Come on. Come on. There we go.

Now, who has seen Goodfellas?

That's when I knew... Hey. I just knew...

Where have you been?

I texted you, didn't I?

I can't find my phone.

So, if I said the name Tom Kapoor to you,

what would that kind of...

what response would that kind of get? Hot.

Mm-hm, yeah.

Well you know he was, uh, he was there last night?

Oh, that's exciting.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah.

What?

Oh, my God.

I know! I know!

Oh! How did this happen?!

No, tell me everything ! I don't know. I don't.

I mean, genuinely, I don't know, I mean,

cos I was quite drunk, but I do remember I kept asking him

if he wanted to do it, like, while we were doing it.

You do do that.

Yeah, but this morning I had sex with him again and,

Kate, I was barely drunk that time.

Oh, that is so sweet. Mm-hm.

And, oh, yeah, here's the best bit.

Two hours later, I got my period. Like, what is that?

Touched by an angel like, that's... the timing of that...

Will you see him again? Um, I don't know.

You probably won't see him again.

Well maybe I'll see him again.

He is a famous actor and you're a little rat nobody.

Oh, that's so harsh, but it's true.

Hm. But you know what?

What's done is done, like, he can't take it back.

I am forever a stain on his sexual history.

I knew you were going to react like this. Woo.

Oh. Yeah.

Woo.

Wow, OK.

Hm.

Yep.

I'm going to get in the shower, actually. Oh, yeah.

Jill. Jessie.

Jessie, yeah. Close. Really close.

Hey. Hiya.

Your, um, your toilet's completely blocked.

Popcorn and water.

That's 5.50, thank you.

Your favourite film is Schindler's List?

Oh, no, um, that's... this is not my badge, um...

Cos it's a pretty obvious choice, no offence.

Again, I'm not Mike, that's not my...

Everything OK here? Yeah, totally.

I actually haven't even seen Schindler's List.

You've never seen Schindler's List? No. No.

I've seen Son of Saul that's devastating, isn't it?

I can't believe you've never seen Schindler.

What is your favourite film? Uh, I don't know, man.

Rush Hour 2.

It's a great, great flick.

Your film is starting now.

Good chat...

Mike.

Urg.

What a dick. What is wrong with me?

I kind of loved that... that was hot.

Yeah. No, yeah, yeah, totally.

I actually love the Rush Hour franchise.

Tom?

Hi. Hi.

It's crazy.

I... I work just there. Yeah, I just, um...

I remember you said you worked at a cinema in Hackney, uh...

But there are a lot of cinemas in Hackney,

but then I remembered you said it was near the overground, so, yeah.

Wow.

Good work, Detective Morse.

Inspector Morse. It... yeah, kind of...

Not a detective, he's an inspector.

What are you doing here?

Actually, um, you left this at my flat.

Oh, aha!

That's not mine.

Really? No.

I'll have it though.

Huh, OK, well uh, that's weird, I...

I came to return this, but it's not yours

and now I look like a psycho, so...

I should probably head off. OK.

All right. Bye. Bye. See ya.

I'm so sorry, I am... I'm walking this way as well yeah.

Oh, OK. I... yeah, I was just...

So, I can walk a bit with you. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Well it'll be good, actually, it'll be good,

just in case some crazy super fan kill you on the way home.

What if you kill me?

Oh, please, I'm not a fan, but...

There's this amazing abandoned warehouse

that I really want to show you.

Oh, yeah, I've actually got a couple of bodies... Really?

They're probably listening to us right now, this conversation.

The government? Yeah.

Big Brother's always watching. Wake up, sheeple.

Ooh, I hope they didn't just hear you say sheeple.

I hope they did, so they can know that I'm onto them.

Do you want to... Yes... come in? No.

I'm... I'm... I didn't mean for it to sound like that,

like I wanted something to happen.

No, no, no, I do, I... I want to have something,

have something happen. Oh, OK. Cool me too. Great.

Um, great.

No, I, um...

I... I got my period this afternoon.

For the first time? Yeah.

That's very funny, you actually made me laugh.

I don't usually find men funny, so, um, it's a real win for you.

No, I just, um, I just wanted to flag it

because sometimes people can be a bit...

You do know I'm an adult man, don't you?

Wow. I hope they heard what you just said for your sake.

That was great.

That was...

I liked... I liked that.

What about that? How much did that cost?

I don't know. Hm.

What about that?

I'm not sure, it was just here when I got the place.

How much was this cup?

Yeah, it's rude to talk about money, you know?

Well silence is the tool of the oppressor.

Uh-huh, and what do you mean by that?

I don't know, but it is...

it sounds true, and it sounds quite smart, so that's why I said it.

So, um, do you like working at the cinema?

So, do you like being an actor? What?

No, sorry, sorry, it was just a bit of a weird question.

Well I just want to know things about you. Why?

So I can describe you to the police when you steal my cup.

I won't... I won't steal it.

What are your parents' names?

David and Liz.

And which one do you like more?

Um, my mum, I guess, but I ruined her body,

so she's earned my loyalty, in a way.

Do you want to ask me anything?

Yes. Sorry, yeah, of course.

Um...

OK, what is your favourite colour?

Blue. Cool OK.

Um, what is your...

second favourite colour? Oh, come on. No, I...

That's a good question, to be fair.

I feel like it says a lot about someone,

what their second favourite is, you know?

My second favourite colour is green.

You have five minutes to think of a better question. OK.

Fine.

Charge your phone, you dumbarse.

You know what, can I change my answer?

I don't think blue is my favourite colour any more.

I can't hear you thinking.

Come on, next question.

Over here. Home-wrecker.

Home-wrecker.

Oh, wait, wait, it's just the cleaner.

Yeah. Yeah, sorry.

Sorry, love. Yeah.

It's an honest job. Thank you.

Have a great day.

Jessie?

Jessie?

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