Original subtitles

What a night. I think I might've

over-celebrated Mike's engagement..

Last time I drank like that,

I was hitting on sorority girls..

So... Tuesday..

Why did I have that second piña colada?.

Damn my weakness for sweetened coconut..

So, this is what it's like to be the sober one..

No wonder I was so unproductive in the '90s.

I got to warn you, boss.

I don't think I'm going to be very helpful today..

The streak continues..

All right, let's get the morning meeting started..

We need to talk..

Last night, before Mike announced his engagement,

we were about to kiss.

Charlie, I'm in no condition for a serious conversation..

Can we do it later?.

Okay. I'm the sober one and the one who wants to talk?.

If I was still clinging to my virginity,

I'd be my college girlfriend..

Seeing as you're all hung over,

I'll try to keep this short and quiet..

Hello, everyone!.

Starting today, I want to take time each morning

to discuss our personal lives..

So come on, people, let's dish..

Well, actually, I've been feeling

a little melancholy lately, and I've been...

super. Now me.

Claire has really been bringing out my romantic side..

This morning, I had the tree outside of my bedroom window

cut down so that we could watch the sun rise

over the east river..

The big oak tree?.

Sir, that tree was a historical landmark..

It was planted in 1796 by George Washington..

Well, the good news is, he's dead..

Besides, what's the big deal?

I'm sure he planted other trees.

I don't know..

He was probably too busy with the whole

"giving birth to a nation" thing.

I'm sorry. I make a hundred decisions a day,

and it's hard for me to keep track

of who planted what tree..

Besides, my gardener took it down..

Well, your gardener's not running for mayor..

Well, I should hope not. He's an illegal immigrant..

Hey, everybody, I want you to meet Allison..

Hi, Allison. I'm Caitlin.

Mike cannot stop talking about you..

And I cannot stop looking at you..

You must be Stuart..

You'll have to forgive him..

At times, he can be quite puerile and fatuous..

You must be Carter..

Oh, Mike told you I was well-spoken..

No, he said you were a bald black guy.

Allison, I've never seen Mike happier,

and I should know, 'cause we're best friends..

Ahem. Paul..

Oh. Paul, of course... Mike's best friend..

So, I have been dying to know. How did you guys meet?.

Well, you know, I was in the water

at this beautiful secluded beach

and, uh, started waving at her..

The next thing I know,

I'm lying in her arms on the sand..

So it was love at first sight..

Actually, I was drowning..

She is a hell of a swimmer.

I had to give Mike mouth-to-mouth

for nearly five minutes..

You know, to be honest, I wasn't actually unconscious..

Yeah, I knew that..

Unconscious people rarely try to untie a bikini top..

Well, it was great meeting you guys.

I'll see you all later..

Come here..

Bye-bye..

Oh, is she great or what?.

So, now all I have to do is buy the ring..

So, Carter, your first job as my best man

is to pick one out. I'm on it..

Oh, and, Carter, no male strippers at the bachelor party..

No problem. Ha..

Damn it..

Okay, Charlie, you wanna talk? Let's talk..

Excellent.

I've been thinking about where I am in my life.

That sentence never leads to fun.

I know we almost kissed last night,

but then Mike got engaged, and I realized

I want more than just a fling..

First you want me, then you don't..

We almost kiss, then you leave.

I'm through playing this game.

I wouldn't go home with you now

unless you asked me.

Charlie, my last two boyfriends just got engaged..

The next guy I'm with needs to have long-term potential,

and we both know that's not you..

That doesn't sound like me..

Do you have a cigarette?.

Yes, I do..

Thanks..

Look at that. You can't stop hitting on women.

I wasn't hitting on her.

Charlie, you don't even smoke.

I like to help people..

Hey, buddy, could I bum a smoke?.

What am I... a vending machine?

Charlie, we're friends.

I think that's what we're meant to be.

Caitlin, there's something going on here..

Let's give it a chance.

I got to go..

How about I pay you back for the cigarette

by buying you a drink?

I don't know. I'm pretty down..

Trouble with your girlfriend?.

Oh, no, no. She's not my girlfriend..

It's kind of complicated..

So you want me to leave?.

Not that complicated..

I had a great time last night..

You were amazing..

You too..

That thing with the ice cream was a first..

Well, I am the "good humor" man..

You were really intense..

At one point, you actually screamed..

It was so primal..

To be honest, I think I pulled a hamstring..

Look, Jennifer,

I think you're great, but I'm really not ready for...

I'll take this one. Last night was fun,

but I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now,

so why don't we accept it for what it was?.

One evening of pure uncomplicated passion..

Wow. You rejected me,

yet my self-esteem is completely intact..

It's designed that way.

I'll call you..

Yeah. Thanks..

I can use that..

Last night was fun but....

Something about pure passion.

Oh, great, I need you to say that thing again..

Aah!.

What?.

Nothing. I'm happy to see you.

Caitlin... Aah!

I feel bad about the way we left things last night..

You do?.

Yes.

I mean, clearly,

there's something between us,

but instead of taking a chance,

I was home trying to cheer myself up with ice cream..

Me too..

Why don't we stop over-thinking everything

and just see where this leads?.

Do you want to go on a date with me?.

Yes. I would love that..

Great. I mean, it's obvious

neither one of us will be able to move on until we resolve this thing..

Totally obvious..

What's this?.

Oh, that... that's my pashmina scarf..

You wear a pashmina scarf?.

What... a man can't feel pretty?.

Do you see? I told you you'd like the cézanne exhibit.

I could never have gotten Mike to go to that museum..

What is your secret?.

See, Carter, the difference between you and Allison

is what happens after we see the paintings..

Gotcha. I don't put out..

No, you don't shut up.

I've got to get to the airport.

I'll call you in a few days..

Stay a little while longer, okay?.

If you miss your flight, I'll drive you.

I'm going to Brazil.

I know a shortcut through Honduras..

You know, if there's no rebel activity,

we're there in the morning.

I'll call you as soon as I land.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you more..

She will miss me more.

Mike, if Allison always travels this much,

you're never going to see her..

Yeah, I know. That's why I'm going to quit work.

I'm just going to travel around with her..

Next month, we're going to Africa..

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Mike Flaherty is going to stop working?.

Impossible..

Seeing Allison helped me put everything in perspective.

I mean, I love politics, but it became an obsession..

My seven years at city hall... I saw one movie..

"City hall."

I want to get married. I want to have kids,

and, you know, this is the only way it's going to happen..

Can't believe I'm hearing you say that. I am impressed..

All right, well, if you'll excuse me,

Allison told me about a great exhibit of botticelli nudes..

Botticelli... his models were....

Chicks. I'm in.

Julian Wheeler's live on New York one.

I think he's going to announce his candidacy for mayor..

Another billionaire politician

who thinks he can buy the election..

That bastard. That was our plan..

This was once a beautiful tree

planted by George Washington..

But mayor Winston has carelessly destroyed

this national treasure,

just like he's destroying this great city..

How did he find out about the tree?.

That's all for today..

Mr. Wheeler will be...

Charlie, that's the woman from the bar..

And she's wearing your pashmina scarf..

Tomorrow, you can ask him any question you want..

Thank you..

You took her home, didn't you?.

Well, uh...

Charlie, did you tell her about the tree?.

Ha ha. No..

Yes. That tree stands for 200 years,

he's seeing this woman for two weeks, and then....

Ya! Ya! Ya!.

It's all gone! Ha ha ha!.

It might've come up..

I had no idea that woman was his campaign manager.

I'm sorry..

No, no, it's our fault. From now on,

we'll have Stuart run background checks

before your one-night stands..

Yes, because if a girl can live up

to Stuart's lofty moral standards,

there should be no problem.

I cannot believe she manipulated me like that.

I feel so used..

Oh, shut up..

So when Charlie gets taken advantage of,

he still has sex with a hot woman..

Yeah, when I get taken advantage of,

I pay 200 bucks for a romex watch..

For the last time, Paul, a deal's a deal..

Hey, guys. I heard about your work crisis.

I just wanted to say good luck.

I mean, obviously it's not my thing anymore,

so there's no reason for me to get involved..

Good for you..

If I were to get involved...

I say you take the wood from the tree,

and you make something of value to the city..

That's good, that's good..

In the meantime, we got to get you

in front of the cameras, making a sincere apology..

Apologizing is my least favorite part of the job..

Ironically, it's what I do the most..

We'll need someone to draft a statement. I'll do it..

And someone's got to deal with the environmental groups.

I'll do it..

And someone should find that devious woman,

feed her phony information, and sleep with her.

I'll do it..

Hey, Carter,

I'm just going to help out. I'll make a couple of calls..

Yeah, hi, this is Mike Flaherty..

Get me the parks commissioner on the phone, please..

What are you doing? You said you were done with work.

Carter, come on, this is fun..

Now, what do you mean he's busy?.

No, you tell him to get his butt to the phone,

or I will drag Washington's tree down there,

and I will beat his ass with it..

See, this is fun..

The revolutionary war society is planning

to picket city hall..

Find out if we can make a deal.

I need this asap. Go, go, go..

We need to talk..

Stay.

Caitlin, I'd love to talk right now,

but Stuart and I are in the middle of something,

and I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable

expressing yourself..

You are a huge ass..

She seems comfortable..

How could you sleep with that woman?.

After everything we've been through,

you couldn't make it one hour without jumping into bed with someone?.

The rule is, you wait 30 minutes..

That's for going swimming after you eat..

You're the one that wanted to be friends..

What did I do wrong?.

If you cared about me,

you would've taken some time before moving on.

Caitlin, we live in a modern world

where things happen so quickly..

It used to take six weeks to cross the Atlantic,

and now you can fly in five hours..

So?.

So let's talk about that..

And I felt guilty about leaving you at the bar..

Oh, I can't believe I was up half the night thinking about you..

Listen, Caitlin, just because I was with her

doesn't mean you weren't on my mind..

Ew..

That's not what I...

look, I was really upset when you said

I didn't have long-term potential.

I needed someone to talk to..

You actually talked?.

A little..

After..

I want you gentlemen to know we take you very seriously.

George Washington's tree has been killed,

and it's as upsetting to us as it is to....

Thee..

What are you proposing?.

Well, why don't we name a bridge after him?.

We already have one..

Shh.

I'll tell you what... we'll give you a statue

in central park and a parade on presidents' day..

Let us take a vote..

Yea..

Yea..

Yea. Nay..

Come on, Stan, you're always so negative..

No wonder none of the Betsy rosses like you..

Uh, gentlemen,

we've got a lot of fires to put out here..

Maybe we could reschedule this for next Tuesday?.

Hey. We have lives..

Clearly..

The "post" is going to print our side of the story..

Okay, Paul, draft a press release.

I want it on the 10:00 news.

Stuart, find the mayor, bring him up to speed,

tell him we go live in an hour..

You, what do you do?

I'm just a college student..

Graduate, find a job, retire, move to Boca..

Go, go, go, go, go!

Carter, what do you got for me?.

I, uh, made an appointment with the jeweler,

and I jotted down some romantic notes

for you to use when you give the ring to Allison..

"My dearest..." .

That's nice.

"I've loved you from the moment I saw you....

"Your beautiful brown eyes, your silky hair,

your... Powerful biceps.".

Sorry. Wrong notes.

I'm trying to patch things up with Brad.

I think I can actually use this..

See, I just change "rugged beard"

to "porcelain skin"

and "firm buttocks" to... no, actually, that works..

Hey, we just caught a break..

Turns out Wheeler made millions destroying low-income housing

building luxury condos..

Great. That's it. That's our fix..

Let's go map out the mayor's response.

Mike. What about the ring?.

If you want to surprise her with a ring tomorrow, we've got to leave right now..

Why don't you buy it for me?.

And, hey, buy a little something for Brad...

something that will go with his sculpted chest and his winning smile.

Carter, nice work. This guy is a fox..

I cannot tell a lie.

I chopped down George Washington's tree..

It's a regrettable accident, but we are using the wood

to create a shelter for the needy..

While my opponent likes to destroy homes for the poor,

I intend to build them..

Thanks, everyone. We dodged a bullet..

You do this job day after day,

and you feel like you never make a difference..

But today, we stepped up, and we accomplished something..

And you know what?.

It really wasn't that satisfying..

Well, I'm inspired. Let's go have another round..

Come on! Drinks are on....

Coasters..

Well, it's been a crazy couple of days..

Hard to keep track of who did what,

who slept with who....

Good news is, everything's back to normal.

I got to go..

Wait. You can't be mad at me..

Why not? Because you know me..

When it comes to women, I'm a screwup..

It's who I am..

Do you get mad at the sun for rising

or the wind for blowing or a rooster for...

please stop talking..

Can I say one more thing?.

What?

I'm sorry..

I never meant to make you feel like you weren't important to me.

I know. You don't have to apologize..

Just because I was home obsessing about our relationship

doesn't mean you shouldn't have fun..

Well, to be honest,

I would rather have hung out with you..

Thanks..

So, friends?.

Friends..

You know, sometimes I admire the way

you can just have a good time without even thinking twice.

I'll let you in on a secret.

I don't even think once..

Good night, Charlie..

Good night..

Hi..

Can we talk?.

Well, if it isn't.

Ms. "pick me up, take me home, "

"and get information about a tree" lady..

That sounded better in my head..

Look, Charlie, when we met,

I didn't know where you worked.

I just liked you..

And then you told me that story

about the mayor....

Ya! Ya! Ya!

I had to use it..

Come on, you would've done the same thing..

You can't go by me.

I'm legendary for my bad judgment..

So, what do we do?.

How about if we get out of here?.

Well, actually, I'm still getting over that friend

from before,

so I think I'd rather just talk..

Okay..

Talk..

That pretty much covers it..

Is Mike stopping by today?.

No. I finally got through to him..

As we speak, he's giving Allison the ring..

Good for him..

And me. Mike was wise

to all my best slacking techniques...

reissuing old memos,

taking a nap in the janitor's closet,

putting a cardboard cutout of myself at my desk

and then leaving early..

Ha ha. Not that I would ever try that on you, boss.

I mean, you're so...

save it. I know all about flat Paul..

You do? When did you find out?.

The day I was talking to you

and it was... Interesting..

Can you picture it?.

As we speak, Mike is in central park,

standing on a bridge, proposing to Allison..

Hey, guys.

Mike, what are you doing here? What happened to the proposal?.

Oh. The engagement is off..

What do you mean off?.

Off. You know, not on..

Come on, guys, I was kidding myself..

This is where I belong..

Now, come on, let's go. We got a city to run..

"We"? Yeah. I'm back..

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

.

Moo.