Original subtitles

Aunt Esther, Donna, I'm glad you could make it.

Come and sit down, please. Hi, honey.

You know, I didn't want to bother you,

but I'm really worried about Pop.

Isn't he all right?

Well, physically, he's fine.

I mean, he's never looked better.

It's just that, well, lately,

he's been acting really strange...

I'll say.

Fred hasn't called me in weeks, and that's not like him.

It's been going on for about a month now.

He's been going out every night,

all he does is stay home in the daytime,

up in his room with the door locked.

And the television hasn't been on for weeks.

Have you asked him to explain himself?

At least a dozen times, Donna.

And? He changes the subject.

Excuse me a minute. I'll get it.

Hi, Lamont.

Ladies.

Hello. Hi, Bubba.

What's up, Bubba? I just came by to pick up Fred.

Is he ready?

Yeah, he'll be down in a minute.

Say, tell me something, Bubba.

Where are you guys headed?

Oh, nowhere special.

Come on, Bubba, that's 15 nights in a row

that you and Pop have gone no place special.

That you down there, Bubba?!

Yeah, it's me, Fred, Bubba!

Better known as the "best man"!

Best man?

Uh... uh... yeah.

Uh... Uh, yeah, I'm the best

when it comes to being on time.

See, I'm always ready before Freddy! Heh, heh, heh.

All right, big mouth, let's go.

We'll be late for the movie.

Fred Sanford! You are something else.

And so are you, Esther.

I just can't figure out what.

Hello, Fred.

Oh, hey, Donna. How you been?

Just fine, Fred. How about you?

Who? Me?

Uh, I'm fine. Fine and dandy.

That's enough of that small talk.

Then shut your big mouth!

Listen, honey,

I'd like to hang around here with you,

but we got to rush downtown

to look at Bubba's sick aunt.

I thought you were going to the movies.

Yeah, we are.

See, she had an appendix attack watching King Kong,

and the doctor said not to move her.

Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah, let's go, Bubba. Yeah.

I'm sure sorry, Bubba, that your aunt's sick.

You know what I mean?

Ha! Sick aunt, my foot!

You see how crazy he's acting?

That's not like Fred.

I'm not the jealous type,

but I-I think Fred's got himself another woman.

Another woman?

Mm-hm. Look at the evidence.

Getting all dressed up and sneaking off every night,

smelling like a perfume factory

avoiding me like the plague.

And now Bubba and this remark about being "best man."

What else can it be?

I don't believe it.

Well, Donna, I think Pop would be man enough

to come right out and tell you.

That heathen don't know nothing about the truth.

Hey, wait a minute.

Look at this.

It's a note. It looks like Po...

It's Pop's handwriting.

"Teach me, only teach love, as I ought.

"I will speak thy speech, love,

"Think thy thought."

That don't mean nothing.

It sure doesn't sound like

a note to the milkman.

No, but how do you know he wasn't thinking of you?

Yeah, I'm with you, Aunt Esther.

But who's with Fred?

Bring down the four... Where is he?

He's upstairs, locked in his room as usual.

Okay, come on.

Come on, Donna.

Believe me, Lamont, this is not my idea.

Hey, Rollo, what are you doing here, brother?

Hey, man, I don't like it any more than you do,

but that pocketbook hurts, man.

Shh.

Come on, let's go in the kitchen,

so Fred can't hear us.

Come on. All right.

Come on in the kitchen.

I know! He's a heathen!

Man, he was sneaking or something.

Doesn't mean anything, does it?

Yes, now, Rollo, go on and tell Lamont what you saw today.

Tell him. Go.

Where do you want me to start? Oh, yeah.

Where Pop buys the king-size jar of vitamin E?

Or where he makes a beeline to City Hall?

City Hall?

Well, Fred could've been there for lots of reasons,

not just to take out a marriage license.

Marriage license?

Wait a minute, Rollo,

I think you better start from the beginning.

I was standing on the corner of Twelfth and Olive,

and who did I see coming out of

one of them fancy men's boutiques

but your old man.

Shhh! I think I hear Fred now.

Hi. It's Fred.

Listen, I can't go on like this.

I need you right away.

I know it's just...

Just for a few weeks more,

but I can't make it without you...

All right, I'll try.

But just hearing your voice makes me feel a lot better.

Right, au revoir.

Until tonight.

Aha!

Where'd you come from?

Where you think I come from?

Under a rock.

You can't talk yourself out of this one,

you two-timing beady head, weasel-eyed fool.

We caught you red-handed.

Hey, Lamont, what's she screaming about?

Well, Pop, we couldn't help

overhearing your telephone conversation.

Just now? Mm-hm.

All right, Fred. Out with it.

Who is she? Gesundheit.

Please, Esther, let's give Fred a chance to explain.

Right on. This could make my whole day.

Rollo, why don't you go catch a bus...

in your teeth.

Well, Fred?

Who were you talking with on the phone?

I can't remember.

Then I guess I have to refresh your memory.

You were telling somebody,

"I can't do without you, I need you."

Oh.

Now I remember. It was the auto club.

See, I was telling them that I couldn't start the truck.

No, you got to do better than that, Pop.

I drove the truck a half hour ago. It's fine.

Now. But what happens when it conks out on the freeway?

And this way we'll be first in line for a tow truck.

Lord have mercy.

Is there no hope at all?

Not for your face!

Fred... Fred, I really am trying to understand.

Donna, I'm telling you,

it's not what you think it is.

Oh, no?

Then explain this love poem

in your handwriting.

Oh, that's easy to explain.

See, I was just, uh... testing out a new pen.

Pop!

That's how you test a new pen?

By writing gushy poetry?

It was a fountain pen.

Say, Pop, what about them jazzy threads you got?

And all this talk

about Bubba being the best man?

I'll explain that.

Well?

How about tomorrow?

Fred, well, if there's another woman, just tell me.

I understand.

You know I'd never do anything to hurt you.

That's hard for me to believe.

Me too.

Well, if you don't believe me,

that's too bad.

Wait a second. Wait a minute.

Where are you going now?

Well, looking at Esther's face reminds me...

I've got to go empty the garbage.

Maybe... Maybe he is telling the truth.

Oh, wow, I hope that's not Jake

with that load of scrap metal on the truck.

Pardon me. Is this the Fred Sanford residence?

Uh, y... Yes, it is.

Oh, thank goodness.

I rushed when I got his call.

That poor dear sounded so upset.

I just couldn't wait until tonight.

What?

Listen, if anybody wants me...

Doris! Hello, Fred.

Goodbye, Fred!

Donna! Wait a minute, Donna!

Did I say something wrong?

No. Well... Well, since you're here,

we may as well go on up here.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going, dummy?

Upstairs, where I can have some privacy!

Come on.

Why would Fred do this to Donna?

I don't know, Aunt Esther.

I'm telling you the man is obviously senile,

up there with that woman, messing around!

Shoot, I don't know, Esther, if you gotta go senile,

that's the way to go.

Well, how long have they been upstairs, anyway?

About 3 hours, 45 minutes and 2 seconds.

Shhh! Hey, here they come!

Doris, you sure know how to make a man feel good.

Well, Fred, aren't you going to introduce us?

Uh-huh, oh, yeah, sure.

Doris, this is my son, Lamont.

Hello. And his friend, Rollo.

Rollo. And this is Lamont's aunt.

Esther Kong!

That's King's first wife.

Watch it, sucker!

Esther Anderson.

How do you... do?

And last, but not least, this is the door.

Come on.

Hold it, Fred!

I think you owe us an explanation.

I agree with Esther. Oh, no!

We promised that we'd wait

until it was the right time.

But I seem to have caught

everybody by surprise.

All except Esther.

To catch her by surprise, you need a net.

Come on.

Well, it was very nice meeting all of you.

Yeah, I tell you, I need to find me a net...

This time Pop has gone too far.

Say, what you going to do? Follow?

That all depends, Rollo.

On what?

Whether or not I can catch them.

Fred Sanford, if you don't behave yourself...

Well, tell Bubba to stop copying off my paper.

What do you mean? You copying off mine.

Am not. Are too!

Am not.

Now, gentlemen, please.

You've got a final exam next week.

I'd hate to see anyone not graduate.

I don't know about Fred, Miss Chandler,

but I'm ready.

You better be ready.

Oh, now settle down.

Remember, you're supposed to be writing an essay

on America's system of checks and balances.

Checks and balances?

You talking about the United States of America

or the Bank of America?

Do the best you can.

What kind of question is that?

How am I supposed to know what goes on in Washington?

I'm just an ordinary citizen.

Shhhhh!

Hey, man, I'm trying to better myself.

Why don't you shut your face.

Uh-uh, gladly.

Uh, you feel better now?

Fred Sanford. Ah!

What are you doing?

Uh, uh, the bunny hop?

Were you cheating?

No, see, my leg went to sleep.

Then why are you kneeling on the desk?

That's not all that went to sleep.

Hey, Pop?

Hey, Lamont! What are you doing here?

I'm sorry. When I followed you, I had no idea...

Shh! Not here, not here, dummy.

Excuse me, Miss Chandler,

but I have to leave now.

There's about to be a tragedy in my family.

Hi, Bubba.

Well, now you know.

Pop, you mean all this time

you've been going to night school with Bubba?

That's right, son.

I've been taking one of those eight-week courses.

Then you and Doris never did...?

Just teacher and student.

And those trips to the museum and City Hall?

That was just class assignments, right?

For a dummy, you catch on fast.

But I don't understand something, Pop.

How come you kept this a secret

from all the people that love you?

Because I've been lying to all of you.

About what?

About having my high school diploma.

See, I had to quit school in my senior year

to support my mother and father's habit.

What habit?

Eating.

So, in other words, this was all a matter of pride with you.

Face it, son.

At my age, that's all I got left.

I mean, not counting my good looks.

You know, you're some piece of work, Pop,

you know that?

Take it easy.

You're bending my eraser!

I'm really thrilled for you, Pop. I really am.

Good.

Counting you, that makes one of us.

Come on, now, don't tell me

you're worried about passing the final exam.

Okay, I won't.

That way I can just bottle it up

and get an ulcer so I don't have to take the exam at all.

Hey, come on, Pop. Don't give up.

I'll help you study. How's that?

You will? Of course I will.

In that case, I'll let you off the hook.

For what?

For the new convertible that I wanted for my graduation.

Would you get back in the classroom?

Go ahead. Ask me anything.

Okay, I tell you what.

Let's start with your favorite subject.

All right. My text book is in the living room.

I'll get it. Which one is it?

The one in the plain brown wrapper.

Come on, Pop, would you try to be serious?

Now, how much do you remember

from your high school math?

Just one thing.

Thirty-six plus twenty-four plus thirty-six

equals the sum of the cheerleader's parts.

Okay, suppose we start with American history.

Good idea.

I know that stuff

like I know the palm of my hand.

All right.

Who is considered the chief architect

of the American Constitution?

Just a minute.

Thomas Jefferson.

Pop, that's cheating!

Well, how else do you expect me

to remember this stuff?

By association. Okay?

That sounds great. How much are the dues?

No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand.

See, Pop, association means remembering one fact

by associating with something else

that suggests the same thing.

Now, do you follow that so far?

Okay. Try me. All right.

Among Ben Franklin's many inventions and discoveries

is one of the world's greatest sources of power.

What is it?

Gatorade!

No, Pop, it's a little more jolting.

Prune juice.

No, Pop. Come on, man, associate!

You're not associating.

Let's see.

Benjamin Franklin. Electricity.

That's right. How'd you get it?

Well, that's easy.

See, Ben Franklin's picture

is on the hundred dollar bill.

And every time somebody asked me to loan them a hundred,

I say, "Go fly a kite!"

Fly a kite, Ben Franklin, electricity.

Okay. Philadelphia.

I know. And bell.

Would you stop it?

Did you know he also invented the lightning rod?

The lightning rod? Mm-hm.

Well, he also, at the same time,

he invented the stove and bifocals,

and published Little Richard's Almanac.

That's Poor Richard's Almanack!

Yeah, him too.

You know, Pop, I'm really impressed, man.

You shouldn't have any trouble at all

just breezing through this exam.

I don't know, son. You know, it's funny.

When I get in that classroom, everything goes blank.

Yeah, that's because you were uptight

because you were trying to keep everything a secret, Pop.

Now it's out in the open, you'll feel better, man,

You're going to go right through this thing.

There he is. The resident genius himself.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hi, Bubba. Hi.

Hey, you know, there's something I don't understand, Bubba.

What's that?

Something you said the other night

about being Pop's best man.

Well, you see, when Bubba and I decided

to get our high school diploma,

I unfortunately came up with the idea

of making it as interesting as possible.

Yeah, he bet me 50 bucks he'd get a better grade than me.

Do you think you're going to win, Bubba?

That's right.

In fact, you might say he's a little behind.

Yeah, especially when it's compared with yours.

Well, I just come by to wish you luck.

Well, forget it, Bubba.

Because in 10 seconds,

I'm going to have all the luck I need.

What's going to happen in 10 seconds?

You gonna leave.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's okay, Fred.

I'd feel the same way

if I was going to be out 50 bucks.

If there's anything I hate, it's a sore winner.

Well, Pop, it looks like

we've got a lot of hard work ahead of us.

It's no use, son. Bubba's right.

I'm so far behind

I'm lucky if I pass recess.

Hey, come on, Pop.

Come on, Pop, you got to study.

And remember the old saying.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

I'm tough. Right, son?

You better believe it.

Then I might as well get going.

Would you sit down?

The first president...

Hey, how you doing?

It's good to see you.

Well, Pop, this is it, graduation night.

Yeah. I sure hope I'm one of the graduates.

Oh, well, of course you are.

Yeah, this is it, Fred.

You might as well give me the 50 bucks now.

Just wait a minute, Bubba.

Now, Miss Chandler hasn't posted the final exams yet.

Well, I guess she didn't want to embarrass you.

Can we all take your seats now? I think we're ready.

Hi.

I'm Doris Chandler,

and I'm just delighted to welcome all of you

to our final class,

which, for most of the students,

is also graduation night.

The first order of business

is the presentation of the award for most studious.

Hey, you want a little action on the side?

What side you want it on, the left or the right?

And the most studious member

of our class is Mr. Bubba Bexley.

It gives me...

Gives me great pleasure to present your award

and your high school diploma.

Thank you.

And might I say that the experience

has been very enriching.

Yeah, by 50 bucks.

Okay, pay up.

And now I'd like to call forward,

in alphabetical order,

those students who have earned their high school diplomas.

- Herman Barry. - Herman Barry?

Hey, Barry. Yeah.

Miguel Borrego.

How'd that fool get his diploma?

Paul Jones. He don't know nothing.

Paul Jones? BUBBA: Hey, Paul!

Get ready, Pop. Get ready.

Get ready for what?

The Dunce Award?

- Bessie Roberts. - She got one too?

John Pilchek.

Hey, hey, he got one.

And Sam Whipple.

All right.

See, I told you, didn't I?

Let's get on out of here. Fred!

Where are you going?

I just remembered I have a doctor's appointment.

What for?

To have my head examined

for even signing up for this class!

Please, could I just have your attention

for a little while longer?

Hey, Pop, come on, man, sit down!

You're making a spectacle out of yourself.

And now last, but certainly not least,

it seems only appropriate that I call forward

the number one student and class valedictorian.

Fred Sanford!

That's Fred G. Sanford,

and the "G" stands for "Valedictorian."

What?! Shut your mouth, Bubba.

You're killing all the flies.

Congratulations, Fred.

Hey, way to go, Pop!

Well, you know, it was to be expected.

I suppose you'd like to say a few words.

Yes, I certainly would like to say a few words.

Besides thanking you for your encouragement and support,

I'd like to thank some other

very important people in my life,

like my son, Lamont,

who stood by me through thick and thin.

And... And, uh, my sister-in-law,

who couldn't be here tonight.

I'd like to thank her for that.

And then there's Donna,

who's the apple of my eye and eternal inspiration.

And most of all, I want to thank the one person

without whom this day could not have been possible.

Me.

Because I never worked so hard in my life.

Thank you, Fred. That was very nicely said.

Hold it.

I still have one more person to thank.

Who's that?

My best friend, Bubba,

without whom I couldn't finance my graduation party!

Here you go, Pop.

Hey, thanks, son.

Hey, can you put an ice cube in this, cool it for me?

Pop, you don't cool menudo.

Everybody knows that.

You're right.

It's pretty, isn't it? Yeah, it is.

I'm really proud of you, Pop.

Mmm? Oh, please, son, that's all right.

No, I mean it. I'm really proud of you.

I know. Please, I mean, just... tell me more.

The fact is that there aren't too many 68-year-old men

who would go back to school to get their high school diploma.

Well, it never bothered me until you were born, son.

Then, right then and there in the maternity ward,

I decided to get it.

And so, lickety-split, 37 years later, you did it.

Well, better late than never.

Pop, how would you feel

about a man my age saying "I love you" to his father?

Oh, well, I never liked that sort of thing.

See, I believe that feelings between older people

should be kept inside and not spurted out like mush or sugar.

Or... I love you, Pop.

I love you, son.

Or syrup. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I'll never say it. Me neither.

Hey, but look at that. Yeah, I'm proud of that.