Original subtitles

I'm coming, I'm coming.

People dropping round the house at all times and hours.

Western Messenger Service. ant?

He don't live here.

I told that little skinny fool.

Man! Dang.

What?

I don't want Western Messenger Service.

I am Western Messenger Service.

Well, bug off in 16 words or less.

Telegram for you. Sign here, please.

Hold this.

Ow!

Well, pick it up.

It's stuck to the floor.

Great. It must be done.

Yeah, that is a bad burn.

How about my tip?

Don't play with fire.

Who was that at the door?

The Western Messenger Service.

He brought this.

"To Fred Sanford and Lamont Sanford,

joint partners in the Sanford Arms..."

Who's calling our rooming house a joint?

Hey. Relax, Pop. That just means that we're equal partners.

Oh, we're not equal partners. We're not equal partners.

Separate but not equal.

Well, we each own 50 percent legally.

Well, we may each own 50 percent legally, but I'm the boss,

eternally, continuously, and finally.

And you take orders from me,

perpetually, quietly and dummily.

Let me have a look at that, Pop.

"As joint partners in the Sanford Arms,

"you have the right to exercise your option

"to buy the property outright.

"This will require a $4000 down payment

"by noon Friday.

"Should you decide not to purchase

"the Sanford Arms property,

"please let us know immediately

as we have another buyer."

Four thousand dollars by Friday, or we lose the Sanford Arms.

I think it's farewell to arms.

Pop, how much money we got?

Uh, wait till I check this balance sheet.

Well, let me see here, son.

That's the balance sheet?

Yeah.

You see, son,

this book contains our assets and our liabilities.

These are our assets.

These...

are our liabilities,

which includes how much we owe and how much we don't have

and your birth certificate.

Well, do we have $4000?

Are you crazy?

Well, what are we going to do?

I think we should wait until it's dark and head for Elsie.

Elsie who?

El Segundo.

That's it. Excuse me.

Wait. What are you doing?

I'm going to call the bank

and tell them there's no way we can afford

to buy the property the Sanford Arms is on.

They can sell it to somebody else.

Wait a second. Put that phone down.

What?

Sell the Sanford Arms to someone else?

That's right.

Are you kidding?

The Sanford Arms has our name on it.

Would George Washington

let his bridge be called the Lincoln Bridge?

I doubt it.

Would Abraham Lincoln

let his tunnel be called the Washington Tunnel?

Would the Kentucky Colonel sell out to the Captain & Tennille?

I don't think so.

Son, we're keeping the Sanford Arms.

How, Pop? Would you please tell me how?

How are we going to come up with $4000 by Friday noon?

We're going to be patient

and invest our money wildly and freely.

We got $500 in the bank, son,

and I'm going to bet every nickel on it

till I get me $4000.

Bet on what, Pop?

Move out of the way.

I'm gonna make a phone call.

Who are you calling?

I'm calling Opportunity on the phone.

See, because in some cases, Opportunity knocks.

In other cases, you have to call Opportunity up

and invite him over to your house.

Hello, Bottom-of-the-Deck Dan.

Fred Sanford here.

Yeah.

Hey, you always wanted to play me some cards for high stakes.

Well, come on over tonight and bring your hook and ladder.

Bye.

Pop, you're gonna risk our money

on a card game with Bottom-of-the-Deck Dan?

Son, that's absolutely right.

Run down to the bank and get me my $500.

And pick up some fresh cards on the way.

I don't want to hear about this.

Fine. Then get a roll of cotton for your ears.

Move, dummy.

Yeah, but I figure that... Well, Pops...

Hey, son, you sure you don't want to be in the game?

Now, what sense would that make, Pop?

We'd just be playing against each other.

But if we both win from others,

we can win twice as much, see?

Two players can mean two winners.

Or two losers.

Look, you're on your own, Jack.

I'm going to a movie.

Look son, I want you to just take a moment

and try to understand the situation from all angles.

Now, all we can lose is $500.

That's everything we have.

Good. You understand.

Understand?

Understand? I've been trying to tell you that, Pop.

Look, son, look what we can gain.

We can gain the southern half of our empire,

the Sanford Arms,

and look forward for expansion in the future.

We might lose everything, but we can gain a kingdom.

Is a kingdom bigger than an empire?

Well, let's see how the order goes.

It goes: neighborhood, town...

country... continent...

All right. All right.

Planet, universe... Will you stop it?

All right, Fred, you're the opener.

Okay, Dan.

One blue chip.

Pops, you ain't saying nothing.

Call. Raise two.

Oh, my!

Make it three.

Oh!

Let's go, Bubba. Either you're in or you're out.

Stop crying.

Crying? I got good cards here.

So bet them.

I don't wanna be a loser.

It's too... Too late for that.

Yeah, Bubba, you are slowing down the game, man.

My hand's getting cold. Now come on, let's go.

Three chips.

Okay. Here you go.

Mm-mm. We'll play for five.

I raise it two more.

Oh, my!

I'm in.

You ain't saying nothing. Me too.

Here's mine.

I got really good cards here.

Put in two more chips.

Bubba, you heard him. Put in two more chips or fold.

I hate to lose, Fred. I really hate it.

Bubba, why don't you do the next best thing, man?

Fold.

Are you kidding? I'm losing $32.

How would you like to lose 16 teeth in your plate?

In or out?

Mmm... Okay. Out.

Cards.

Give me two.

And make them both the same, if you don't mind.

Rollo?

I think I'm going to lay with these.

These look pretty good together.

Marvin?

I'll take three.

I was gonna take one.

Dealer takes one.

That would have been mine.

Can I see it just for fun?

If you want some fun, go to Disneyland.

Oh, no! That would have been it!

Shut up, Bubba.

The bet's five.

Call.

Call.

What you got, Fred?

Full house.

And meet the musical residents,

jacks and fives.

You get it? Jackson 5.

Hey!

I would have won, Fred.

See? Look. I would have had a straight flush. See?

I see, Bubba, I see.

Well, good.

I mean, you know, we're friends, and you see I would have won.

Uh, how much should I take out of this pot?

Bubba, if you don't take your hands out of that money,

you're going to take out two nubs.

Deal them, Fred. Last hand.

What do you mean, last hand?

I can't win all that money in one hand.

You can't lose all that in one hand either.

Now, we agreed to stop at 1:00. Deal.

All right. Last hand. Double stakes, okay?

Yes, all right.

All right!

Five-card draw.

Cut 'em.

Hold it, hold it! Huh? What's wrong?

I just remembered something.

Let me have the cards a minute.

What?

Nothing.

Pick a card.

Oh, give me them cards, Bubba!

I've bet all this money. Don't be doing that.

Here. Cut the cards.

All right.

Ante up four, friends.

Make it eight.

Mama! All right.

Cards.

Three.

The dealer takes three.

Your bet.

Uh, look up The Guinness Book of Records

and tell them to stand by.

Well, that leaves me the last bet of the evening.

And I'll go... all the way.

It'll cost you that.

Won't cost me anything.

Take the pot, Mr. Lucky.

Thank you.

Hey! It worked, Fred.

You bluffed him!

See? He didn't have nothing.

And you had two aces!

You would have won!

He bluffed you.

Oh, hi, son.

How much did you lose? How was the movie?

How much did you lose?

What did you see? How much did you lose?

Hey, you know, there was a great new movie,

a monster movie at the Crenshaw.

It was about

the daughter of Godzilla meets the son of King Kong.

It's wonderful, son.

And they fall in love, and they get married

and go to Niagara Falls and drink it.

How much did you lose?

The answer to the "How much?" part is $100.

And I won it. I didn't lose it.

You won? That's right.

You... You're kidding! I mean, you're joking!

No, you're pulling my leg, right?

Listen, if you want kidding and joking,

you go to a nightclub.

If you want somebody to pull your leg,

go to a massage parlor.

And if you want honesty,

go to the drawer and count.

Excuse me.

Well?

Hey, I'm sorry, Pop.

You got $600 here.

It's not $4000 but at least you didn't lose anything.

Now, tomorrow we'll take the $600 to the bank

and we may not be able to afford the Sanford Arms,

but at least we got a savings account.

That money's not going in the bank, son.

I'm on a lucky streak, and I want to keep it going.

Tomorrow I'm going to race track

and bet every nickel I have on the daily double.

Can I ask you a question?

What?

Are you crazy?

Lamont!

Hey, Pop!

Hello, darling.

Hi, Aunt Esther. What can I do for you?

I hate to bother you when you're working so hard.

Is your father home?

No, and that's why I'm working so hard.

Where is he?

He went to the race track.

The race track?

Mm-hm.

To bet and gamble?

Both of those, Aunt Esther.

That heathen has stooped to every evil sin.

Oh, Lamont!

How you hold your head up, honey, I'll never know.

♪ And a little money makes 22 ♪

♪ Let other people Make a fool of you ♪

♪ Why don't you do right? ♪♪

Yee-ow!

Hey, Lamont!

Come on out here!

I'm out here!

So you are.

And look at that.

One of the horses followed me home.

Watch your tongue, Fred Sanford.

Excuse me, Seabiscuit.

You're in a pretty good mood

for a guy that came home from the race track.

Because I'm coming home a winner, son.

You won again?

I told you, son. I'm on a winning streak.

I was going real good.

Up until now.

Let me see.

You bet $600 on the daily double and won.

That's got to be thousands.

Not quite.

See, I was going to bet number one in the first race

and number five in the second race.

But I got there too late to bet the daily double.

So I just bet $600

on number five in the second race

and he won.

To make a long story short,

if there's still time,

instead of losing $600, I won $1200,

giving me a grand total of $1800 dollars.

Did you say you have $1800?

That's what I said, Furlong Face.

Oh, Fred, this is truly a lucky day...

It sure is.

For me and my church!

It sure isn't.

Oh, Fred, please help us.

My church is raising money for our youth program.

We want to buy a wing.

Well, let them have one of yours, bat.

Watch it, sucker.

Look, you know, we really need

every penny of that money, Aunt Esther.

I mean, that $1800 is only a small part

of what we need to buy the Sanford Arms outright.

And we still got to come up with $4000 by Friday noon.

But you have so much there.

Can't you donate 100?

Not even 50.

Not even 30?

Not even 10.

How about 5?

You got it.

Where do you want me to place it?

Hey, Pop, look at yourself.

Look, the bank is open late today.

Let's take that money down there and deposit it.

Son, we're not taking this money anywhere.

See, I'm on

the longest and biggest winning streak of my life.

And it's no time to be saving.

It's time to be streaking.

I wouldn't want to see that.

If you don't mind me asking,

what are you gonna do with that money?

Well, I'm going to invest some

and then I'm going to gamble with the rest.

Invest it? What are you going to invest in?

A plane ticket.

Las Vegas, here I come!

Pardon me, Miss Craps.

All finished, Lamont.

Hey, thanks, Aunt Esther.

That was a great meal, I got to tell you that.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

It's not often I get a chance

to take care of my nephew the way I should.

I love coming over here cooking and caring for you.

I promised your mother I would do that as much as possible.

So why don't you come over here more often, Aunt Esther?

Oh, Lamont, it's your father. You know that.

Oh, come on. You know Pop's just a lot of hot air.

He don't mean anything.

The welcome mat is always out for you.

I know that.

But I just hate when he holds it over my face.

You know, I feel a little guilty

about keeping you over here this late, Aunt Esther.

Shouldn't Uncle Woody and Daniel

be back from the movies by now?

Oh, no, Lamont.

This is their father and son night.

See, after the movie,

they go out and have a soda together

and then just sit and have some interesting conversation,

until it's Woody's turn to talk.

Uh-oh.

That must be Pop.

I'm sorry you're still here, Aunt Esther.

He's going to be unbearable.

Oh, that's all right, Lamont.

I'm used to that.

Yeah, I know.

But you're not used to seeing Pop

when he's lost $1900 and the Sanford Arms.

Hey, son.

Oh, thank you so much, son. I've always wanted one.

One? One what?

A junkyard dog.

Heel, boy, heel!

Heel!

Save your insults, Fred Sanford. I'm just leaving.

Wait a minute, Aunt Esther.

Pop, apologize to Aunt Esther.

What?

You heard me. Apologize to Aunt Esther.

Now, while you were in Las Vegas throwing away our money,

Aunt Esther was here cooking delicious food,

and she cleaned the entire house

including your room and she also found time

to go out and do charity work for the church.

And not once, Pop... Not once while you were away

did she say one bad word about you.

Now, I want you to apologize to Aunt Esther.

Well, how was the meal?

Delicious. Now apologize.

Well, how good did she clean the house?

Would you apologize?

Well, how much money did she get for her church?

Only $100.

We're never gonna get the rest of that money.

We're never going to get

the wing for the children's center.

Please, please, don't cry on my stuff.

This is my imported antique imitation upholstery.

You need $100, here.

Here's $100. Take it from a big winner.

And go.

Oh, thank you, Fred, thank you.

No! I don't want...

Hey, you know, that was a nice thing you just did, Pop.

It's not nice.

I won a fortune in Las Vegas.

It's worth $100 to see her get out of here.

Giddy up, Esther.

Well, thank you and goodnight.

Oh, glory!

You know, if I live to be 183, I'll never understand you.

Son, don't live to be 183.

Nobody wants a senile dummy.

How much did you win, Pop?

Well, see, it was like this.

As soon as I walked in the door in Las Vegas,

I took 25 cents and put it in a slot machine.

Then I put a quarter in a slot machine

and hit the $25 jackpot.

Well, all right!

Yeah, my winning streak was the winningest.

Then I headed for the crap table,

and on my way I passed the roulette table.

So I put the $25 I had down on the roulette table,

on the black.

Always bet on the black, son.

Got it.

Yeah, and it was black.

I had $50.

So you had $1850?

You said it.

But just then, two steps before the crap table,

there was the blackjack table.

So I bet the $50 on the blackjack table.

Uh-huh.

Always bet on the blackjack.

Oh, I will, I will.

Because, see, I got 19 and the house got 17.

I love it.

So then you had $1900.

Yeah, but that was only the appetizer.

I casually sauntered over to the dice table.

Like that?

Just like this. Just sauntered.

And the rest is crap history.

Let me hear about it.

Well, son, in two hours

I managed to build that $1900 into $12,000.

You're kidding?

All true.

All right!

And in three hours I managed to build that $12,000

into $200.

In one more hour I managed to fly home

and give Esther $100

and collapse in this chair.

With only 35 cent left sitting in my pocket.

And don't open up your mouth

because that's where I'll deposit it.

You blew it all?

One would think so, yes.

So what?

What? So what?

I can tell you honestly, Pop,

it was honestly worth losing the Sanford Arms and the money

just to see what you did, Pop.

You didn't just give a few dollars

that you couldn't afford to Aunt Esther,

you gave it to charity.

And I'm proud of you.

Hey, we're not going to lose the Sanford Arms, Pop.

See, I'll take out a second mortgage

on the junk half of our empire

and we'll be in more debt than ever before,

but we won't lose the Sanford Arms.

I mean, somehow we'll make it.

We'll make it, Pop, don't worry.

And you know why? Why?

Because you're Fred G. Sanford,

and the "G" stands for the "Greatest."

You know, for a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

I mean a lot of sense.

I'm starved, son. Get something to eat out of there.

Come on, I'll go back there and cook something.

Delicious, son.

Mm-hm.

You know, we're really lucky

that they opened up a menudo in the box in this neighborhood.

Yeah. Say, Pop, let me ask you a question.

What is it?

The other day I was looking through some papers

and I found my birth certificate.

And I just would like to know

why you and Mom never gave me a middle name.

Well, maybe we never thought of it.

Oh, come on, Pop.

You are too thoughtful about too many things

not to remember something like that,

especially since you're so proud of yours.

You're right, son.

I definitely am thoughtful about that.

You do have a middle name.

What is it?

Lamont. Yeah?

Nothing. That's it.

That's your middle name. Lamont.

My middle name is Lamont?

That's right.

That's what you named me, Lamont Lamont?

My middle name is the same as my first name?

No, only your middle name is Lamont.

Then what's my first name?

That's the one we never got around to.

Son, how about Menudo?

Pop, you had two bowls. There's none left.

No, I mean as a name.

Menudo Lamont Sanford.

Well I mean, it's just a thought.