Original subtitles

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah ♪ What's that?

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Funky, funky

♪ How 'bout a big hand now? ♪ Wait, wait a minute

♪ Groovy, groovy jazzy, funky pounce, pounce, dance

♪ As we dip in the melodic sea

♪ The rhythm keeps flowing and drips to MC

♪ Sweet sugar pop, sugar pop, roxy pop

♪ You don't stop 'til the sweet beat drops

♪ I'm showin' proof as I stick and move

♪ Every poem's recited on top of the groove

♪ Smooth, my, floatin' like a butterfly,

♪ Notes that are floatin' sung like a lullaby

♪ Brace yourself as the beat hits ya

♪ Dip trip, flip fantasia

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah

♪ What's that?

♪ Biddy-diddy bop

♪ Yeah

♪ Biddy-diddy bop

♪ Funky, funky, funky, funky ♪

Would you like another muffin?

No, that's, uh, fine.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Just take one, please.

I'll give you another one. "They check in, but they don't check out."

Billy Rago wrote that.

The guy was practically a god in New York.

Worked for all the heavy shops before we got him out here,

and I'm telling you, we had to beg.

You know, it's got to be the traffic. He's always on time.

Have another muffin. I'll go and see what I can do.

MAN ON RADIO: W-E-Z, Detroit. The big wheeze! (PHONE RINGS)

Yeah? JACK: Where are you?

Where am I?

Take a look out the window. I'm parked in the middle of Jefferson.

I've been here for 20 minutes. What?

It's construction everywhere. They're laying down cones. Look at this guy.

Hey! Today? You had to pick today?

These guys are on a 10:30 back to Chicago.

They're not the sitting-around types.

Look, I'm 500 yards away. Can't you stall 'em? Give 'em a muffin.

No, I've been stalling 'em. We talked about the Bulls three times.

And they didn't like the muffins.

Just put me on the speaker. What? No way.

I'll pitch it on the phone. Let me talk to these clowns.

Okay. Uh,

we're gonna try a little modern science here.

We do it all the time.

Bill, you still with us?

Uh, yeah. Can they hear me?

Bill, I want you to meet Noah Bradley and Peter Brosnan of Key Brands.

Morning.

BILL: Noah. Pete. Good to see ya.

Yeah, Bill, listen, we really do have a plane to catch.

Hey, guys, I mean, can't you wait 10 minutes?

It's not the last flight out of town.

Look, uh, you guys see the panels on the board there?

Jack, flip up the first panel.

Bill, I think...

Just flip up the first panel! Jesus, a lab monkey could do that!

Okay, now.

Let me take you to the panels.

When you think of food wrap, you think of America, baseball, Mom,

apple pie, the old West.

Speaking of which, you should be looking at a sheriff.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, well, he's sittin' there and he's got his feet up on the desk, see.

Now, behind him, his jail cell is covered with Key Brands food wrap.

Right? Now, we got all this food inside tryin' to escape.

We got an actor dressed up as a melon.

One is a wedge of cheese. (MEN SHOUTING IN DISTANCE)

Another one is, uh, um, is a, uh,

um, um... Another one is, uh...

A sandwich. Okay. A sandwich. Right.

And the sheriff smiles into the camera and he says...

Blow it out your butt, tubby! (HORNS HONKING)

That's right, wide load. I'm talkin' to you, fatso. Hey!

You guys aren't fat, are you?

Anyway, so the sheriff's lookin' right into the camera and he says,

"Partners, there's only one way..."

(STATIC CRACKLING)

...Key Brand... (STATIC CONTINUES)

...name that means qual... (STATIC CONTINUES)

You get a sheriff like...

I think we're having a little phone trouble.

...the guy from Gunsmoke. This campaign could... Bill?

You've gone into cell hell on us, pal. (STATIC CRACKLING)

WOMAN: Hi, I'm Joy. If you want to be dominated, press one.

If you want to discipline me, press two.

Now, that's not Bill. That's... We've got some crossover here.

MAN: How many kilos? Stop it!

Moms will love it. Dads will love it.

Kids are gonna have shiny badges, boots, everybody.

Look, I may lose you in the elevator,

but I'll see you in a couple of seconds.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

You got me? Hello?

One, two, three, four, five, six... Okay.

Good morning. Shorris-Grey Advertising.

Whoo! Traffic was a...

(PANTING)

Where are they? (GROANS)

I'll pack up your office.

I kept the same boxes we moved in with. It'll save a few bucks.

JACK: Let me talk to him, okay?

PAUL: Yeah, and tell him to print up some resumes.

JACK: Oh, come on, Paul.

PAUL: Come on what? The guy's been running on fumes.

His work's slipping. He's hostile to clients.

Jeez, I couldn't believe it! A six-million-dollar account, and what do you got?

You got two guys staring at a speaker phone, for crying out loud!

What the hell was I supposed to do?

PAUL: You were supposed to be working with professionals, number one, okay?

I mean, I've never seen a stunt like that in my life.

JACK: Paul, look. The man's had a few personal setbacks the last couple years.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

(ON MACHINE) Yes, this is Evan from U Love To Rent Furniture.

You love to rent, but apparently, you don't love to pay.

Our truck will be there at 9:00 a.m. Thank you.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

Bill, it's Jack.

Listen, uh, I'm making a few calls, but I got to tell ya,

you burned a few bridges out there, pal.

I'm gonna try and line up some freelance stuff next month.

So you just stay in touch, okay?

Bye. (MACHINE BEEPS)

Mr. Rago, my name's Hakiem.

I deliver your Free Press. You still owe me $11.50.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

Hi, Daddy. It's me, Emily.

Daddy, I know you're probably still at work, but, uh, listen.

I hate to ask you this, but Mom said she's broke until next month.

And that since you just got that big new Key Brands account,

I had to ask you.

So here it goes.

There's an eclipse coming up in Mexico, and it's a really big deal.

My whole astronomy club is going.

And if we get the ticket early enough, it'll be really cheap.

And this is really important to me. I really, really want to go.

There it is. Thanks, Daddy.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

(PEOPLE SINGING)

♪ I'm flat broke but I don't care

Hey, buddy, you got two bits? No.

(HARMONIZING)

♪ I'm flat broke but I don't care ♪

MAN: I got better things to do than...

CLERK: How many times I gotta tell you?

Honey, you can't collect unemployment if you don't look for a job.

(GRUNTS)

CLERK: If you bring that in, we'll help you.

Thank you. Next!

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

You were in advertising, I see. Yeah.

Hmm!

Princeton?

Yeah.

Guess that was before it went co-ed, huh?

(LAUGHS)

My, my, school like that, you think they'd teach you how to read.

Wrong line. What?

New claims are the two windows at the end.

You get that stamped, you come back to me.

What are you, crazy? I've been here since 9:00.

So have I. Next!

WOMAN: Number 125. CLERK: Okay.

You'll hear from us. Thanks.

Next!

You think there's a chance I could get unemployment before I get social security?

Have you previously collected benefits?

No. I've always had a job.

Can you operate any industrial machinery, farm equipment?

Yeah. That was a required course in college.

Theory of Plowing.

I have all day, Bill.

Now, why don't you tell me what you'd be willing to do?

If you give me a check, I'd be willing to cash it.

Come here. Come here.

Now, this is your first time here, right?

A man your age. It can't be easy.

You're humiliated. You're frustrated.

I see it on 100 people's faces every day.

And whether you believe it or not,

I feel for each and every one of 'em.

Now you can either help me help you,

or you can be an asshole.

In which case I'm gonna make you stand there

until you die and turn to dust.

So...

Let's begin again.

Have you previously collected benefits?

No.

What would you be willing to do?

Milk cows.

Uh, shear sheep.

Pluck chickens. All right, Bill.

A couple of weeks you'll hear from us. Next!

BILL: Smack it! Run! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Aw! Oh! MAN: Bang, bang, bang.

He can't run. Two million dollars a year, he runs like Bill Clinton.

The eclipse, Dad. Mexico.

Come on, Emily. You don't wanna go down there.

It's 100 degrees. You get held up at the airport.

You probably won't get off the toilet long enough to see it, anyway.

Dad!

(BILL GROANS)

Astronomy? Jesus, when are you gonna grow up?

I am growin' up.

You know it's what I wanna do.

Oh, there's the path to big bucks.

Starin' out into space. Look! I discovered Venus. Pay me.

Astrology, maybe you could make a few dollars,

doin' people's horoscopes or somethin'.

Why do you always have to be such a jerk about all this for?

MAN: Frozen malts! Frozen malts!

Here's the frozen malt guy. You want a frozen malt? No.

Gimme two. Gimme two.

Em. Wait a minute. Em, come on.

I'm sure you'll find a very nice eclipse to see around here someday.

Yeah, in the year 2047!

You want your pennant?

EMILY: No, I just want you to believe in me!

(PEOPLE SINGING)

Hi, guys, how ya doin'? Okay.

Next!

Hi, Beverly.

Bill. Good to see you.

How are the kids? Great. Everything's great.

Good. How's your daughter?

She hates my guts.

Surprise, surprise.

You know, it's strange. I don't like you either.

Yet somehow, I'm gonna miss you.

We found you a job.

There you go.

What do you think?

I can't do this. Sure you can.

No, no, no, no. I... Beverly.

You got the wrong file. When have I ever been a teacher?

Look, you got a master's degree. That means you can teach.

No, it doesn't. No, it only means hypothetically that I could.

Come on, Bill. Now, it's a good job.

Six weeks. A decent salary. And you get to live there.

(STAMMERING) Beverly, I... I'll get my head blown off.

Do you know how many kids carry guns to school these days?

In this case, all of 'em.

(CHUCKLES) I guess you didn't get to the "where" part.

♪ Must be the army that's turning me on

♪ Must be the army that's making me strong

Yes, sir.

Sir. Halt.

May I help you? BILL: Yeah.

I need directions to the Army Education Center.

AEC? That's building 2310.

Park your vehicle in the green zone, step inside, get a pass.

Listen, I'm runnin' a little late. Can't I drive somewhere?

Yes, sir. You can drive to the green zone and get a pass.

Look, I'm not even in the army. I just have to meet...

Park in the green zone, step inside, get a pass!

Right. Green zone, inside, pass.

You'd probably get along good with my ex-wife.

♪ I'm just a soldier, Sergeant Marching for you

DRILL SERGEANT: ♪ I will not quit until P.T. is through

ALL: ♪ I will not quit until P.T...

Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm...

I'm lookin' for the Army Education Center.

Captain Tom Murdoch.

Captain Murdoch's not at the AEC. Captain Murdoch's at the ARC.

ARC, AEC.

You lookin' for Captain Murdoch? Yeah!

The AEC is building 2310.

You want building 4475. 4475.

Look, here's what you do.

You go right here. Take another right at the P.X.

Go half a click till you see the DPTM Center.

P.M., P.X. Then take a left.

If you hit the RFPC, you've gone too far.

(SIGHS)

DPTM. RFPC.

Can I buy a vowel?

(PHONE RINGING)

Captain Murdoch's office. May I help you?

Oh, hi again, sir.

Can you hold on for a minute?

Okay, Sergeant, these are ready to go.

Uh, sir.

Bill Rago.

Sorry to keep you waiting like this.

Well, actually, I needed to catch up on world events.

That Gulf War thing worked out for us, huh?

Sure did. Yeah.

I'm Tom Murdoch. Welcome to Fort McClane.

Would you come with me, please? All right.

Give us a couple of minutes.

Sir, the extra housing units...

I'm workin' on it.

They keep shutting down these forts on us,

and we've picked up troops from every goddamn one.

I got 15 buses coming in at 2100.

Fifteen! Bummer.

I've got that key somewhere.

Ah, here it is.

Would you come with me, please, Bill?

You mean, go? Yeah, after you.

Ever been in the army? No.

Good. I'll show you around and explain your job to you.

The sergeant sent us a list of names. WOMAN: Next.

No go, they said.

These are the ones who can't hack it.

Hell, none of 'em wanted get the boot. Ow!

And they all volunteered, right? (GROANS)

Come on, Bill. It don't hurt much. They all go through it.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah, that's when Colonel James stepped in.

He put out a call to find the kids

that could best be served by this kind of program.

All right. Keep breathing. (PANTING)

This is sick. Bill?

You all right?

What are they gonna catch in Michigan?

(PANTING) Bill? Stay with me, okay?

The point is, their drill sergeants out there in the field

didn't have the time to explain everything a dozen times over to these guys.

As far as I'm concerned, they shouldn't have to.

But that's strictly between you and me, okay?

Okay. ALL: Hoo-ah, Drill Sergeant!

SERGEANT: I can't hear you!

ALL: Hoo-ah, Drill Sergeant!

MURDOCH: So the squeakers we're talkin' about are in your file.

So why don't you just send the squeakers home?

That's a darn good question. Ask the Colonel.

He keeps insisting, if we can help 'em do push-ups,

we can give 'em a hand in the brain department.

That's where you come in, Wild Bill.

You're it for these guys.

Last chance saloon. Sergeant Save-it.

Is it much further?

What's this?

Oh, isn't that a thing of beauty?

That's our victory tower. Biggest one in the country.

We give 'em physical confidence.

Doesn't do much good, though, if they got sawdust for brains.

Basically what we need you to do is to get 'em to think a little better on their feet.

That's all.

(SCREAMING) Oops.

Must be one of yours, Bill. (LAUGHING)

BILL: So let me get this straight.

The Colonel selected these eight kids for his program... Right.

...and you want me to teach these guys how to comprehend?

Yes, sir.

SERGEANT: Hard stroke left! RECRUITS: Kill!

Thrust! RECRUITS: Kill!

Are they saying "kill"?

You betcha.

RECRUITS: Kill! Kill! SERGEANT: Thrust!

BILL: Victory what?

"Victory Starts Here."

That's Fort McClane's motto. Novel.

Here it is, Bill. Home sweet home.

(RECRUITS SINGING)

They never stop singing.

What about my car and all my stuff?

Don't worry about a thing, Bill. It's all taken care of.

Would you like to do the honors?

Yeah. (SIGHS)

I've died and gone to Gomer Pyle's house.

MURDOCH: He's a marine, Bill.

What did I tell ya?

(DOOR CLOSES) Bill...

Your bedroom with a closet and latrine are right over here.

BILL: Mmm, elegant.

Come on. Lots to see.

And you were worried about your stuff.

All-purpose table. And...

You share this lovely kitchen with the people next door.

What?

It's a Scandinavian thing.

Simplicity of design. Economy.

Uh, the Swedes, I think.

You ever wonder why so many of 'em blow their brains out?

(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna use that one.

Well, I'll let you get washed up, Bill.

You got 40 minutes till your first class.

Cheer up, will you? You're serving your country now.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(EXHALES)

I'm honored.

I won an advertising award.

What am I doin' here?

(SIGHS)

Maybe I could hock it.

(RECRUITS CHANTING)

Hi. (CHUCKLES)

I'm Bill Rago. Uh, welcome to...

The first class in basic comprehension.

(EXHALES)

I've never taught before...

And you've never thought before. (CHUCKLES)

So good luck to all of us.

(SIGHS)

Oh.

(MUMBLES) What am I gonna do?

MAN: Left! Left, right, left! RECRUITS: Warriors!

Left! Left! Left, right! Warriors!

Left! Left! Left, right! One, two, Warriors!

Left! Left! Left, column right, march!

Left! Left! Left, right, left.

Left! Left! Left, right, left.

Squad, halt!

(MARCHING STOPS)

Left, face!

Sir! First squad reporting for instructions, sir!

Sound off!

Sir, Private Myers, 1024, sir!

Sir, Private Benitez, 7061, sir!

Sir, Private Haywood, 389...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

(CHUCKLES) Lighten up. Uh,

you guys don't have to do this. This is just a class.

We're not invading Angola here. (CHUCKLES)

Uh...

Um...

Sir, permission to speak, sir.

Yeah, sure, speak.

Sir, what should we call you, sir?

Bill.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, sir! I think the private means your rank, sir!

Well, I don't have one. I'm a civilian.

Oh, man. What?

You got to be kidding me. They let a civilian in here? I don't believe this.

To teach the Double-Ds? Who do you think they gonna get, Colin Powell?

SQUAD LEADER: Squad, sit. I ain't no Double-D, homeboy.

You speak for your damn self.

So, wait, hold up. You in here by accident? You somebody special?

I don't think so. Sit your dumb Double-D ass down, Haywood.

Screw you, you ass-wipe.

Screw you! (ALL ARGUING)

Sit down.

You wanna sit me down or you want me to sit you down?

Haywood! Haywood! Hey, stop it! Stop it!

Whoa, whoa. Guys, guys. Haywood, sit down.

Yo, yo. Sit down. Sit down.

That's Shaolin, see? Why don't you do something?

What do you want me to do?

Haywood, sit down. Whoo!

Hey! Hello? Hello!

(ALL ARGUING)

(WHISTLING)

What the hell's goin' on here?

That dumb-ass hillbilly talkin' that bullshit.

Look at your dumb ass. Haywood, please!

Look, you don't wanna be here and I don't wanna be here.

(ALL EXCLAIM) You got that right.

So let's just make the best of this, okay?

God! Squeakers.

And what's a Double-D?

The whole fort calls us Double-Ds.

Yeah! Dumb as Dog-shit.

(BOTH BARKING)

(HOWLING)

All right, I'm supposed to take attendance now. So, uh,

help me out, all right?

(WHISPERS) I'll help you out.

Benitez, Donald.

Yup, yup. That's me. Present.

New York City, New York.

(SCOFFS) Who would have guessed?

You're killin' me, Haywood. You're killin' me.

HAYWOOD: I just might.

Haywood, uh... Here we go.

Tommy Lee.

Present, sir. Tommy Lee Haywood. Willacoochee, Georgia.

Is that as small as it sounds?

No, sir.

Sooey! Small? This boy grew up in a cave.

His mother come downstairs every morning, talking about...

(STOMPING) "Tommy Lee! "It's time for breakfast.

"Run on out there and scrape us up a squirrel.

"We're gonna have us a roadkill omelet."

Ah, back at ya.

BILL: Hobbs, Roosevelt.

Uh, it says here you're from Detroit? Mmm-hmm.

What part?

The part you drive through doin' 85.

Been there.

Mmm-hmm.

Is anybody else from Detroit?

Hoo-ah. MYERS: Yeah.

Miranda Myers, it says Cleveland here.

Yeah, I lived there, too. I lived in Pittsburgh,

St. Louis, Miami, LA.

Hmm. Seattle.

Any particular reason?

My mother liked to drive.

Sounds like she liked that back seat kinda ride, too.

Excuse me.

BILL: All right, all right. Ow! Yo!

Now, you deserved that. True.

She hit harder than you, Haywood. HAYWOOD: Very funny.

Leroy Jackson.

Yes, sir.

Um, but that's Jackson Leroy, sir.

Oh, sorry.

It says here you play football.

Yes, sir. Well, I... I did for a while.

All-state.

Yeah. Um... Yeah.

This boy was all-planet. I seen him one time pick off a pass and go 90 yards

through the other team like, bang!

Left 'em all on the field. Dead. This boy got skill!

Gimme some love, kid. Give it to me.

Two times. Go ahead, sit on down, Heisman boy.

You should have won the Heisman.

What? Uh...

Brian Davis, Jr., sir. Grand Forks, North Dakota.

Hey, Bill, ask him about his daddy. Yeah.

BENITEZ: Go ahead, ask him. Shut up, Benitez!

BENITEZ: You shut up.

"My daddy was the bravest and neatest soldier..."

Hey. Everybody, shut up. "...in the whole wide world."

God!

Um, Melvin, Mel. Charlotte, North Carolina.

Melvin Melvin?

(SNORING)

Is he up? MYERS: Mmm-mmm.

(WHISPERS) Mel.

He does this sometimes, Bill. Mel.

Hey, Bill,

he was at the BRM yesterday in the hole with his rifle, just like this.

(MIMICS SNORING)

And you're...

Me? (CLEARS THROAT)

Montgomery, Jamaal, from Detroit, Michigan.

Uh, Jamaal, you mind letting these people speak for themselves?

How he gonna speak? That boy droolin' down his chest.

Well, none of the others are. You got a wise comment for everybody.

Hey, but, Bill, what's the matter? I'm tryin' to help you, man.

I'm your assistant. What's what?

Yeah, well, you're succeeding in bein' an asshole.

Aw, thank you!

Hey, he can't do that.

Hey, you can't do that. You can't do that.

You cannot do that. It says in the rule book...

Thank you. Just shut up!

No soldier shall be singled out

for excessive abusive mistreatment of any kind! That's regulation.

Leroy, I want a new teacher. He can't do that. Shut up.

Shut up? Shut up.

BILL: All right, all right.

(SIGHS) So much for attendance.

So, Mr. Rago, what are you gonna teach us?

That's a good question. Anybody got any ideas?

How 'bout teachin' somebody to get a job?

Uh... (SIGHS)

All right.

Uh, we'll begin with language skills.

Everybody will read something. What?

Not for nothin'. I mean, I don't see any books.

Maybe you do, but I don't see 'em.

You know what I'm sayin'?

All right.

Then we'll all write something.

Uh, would you hand these out for me?

BENITEZ: Hoo-ah!

Here you go. Thanks.

Um, start now and have these ready for the next class.

Uh, write about... Why you're here.

This is where they told us to come.

No. I... I mean, the magical twist of fate that prompted you

to gravitate toward this institute of imbeciles.

What?

Write why you joined the army.

Why I joined the army. (CHUCKLES)

I joined to be with you, Billy boy.

Do you want us to, like, write that at the top, sir?

"Why I joined the army"?

(SIGHS)

(BUGLE PLAYING)

(GROANS)

(TROOPS SHOUTING)

(BANGS TABLE) (GROANING)

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

What the heck's goin' on here?

What the heck is goin' on at 4:30 in the morning?

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

I hate this place!

A bunch of banshees! What?

You have to do this here, on my lawn?

Can't you take it six blocks down the road?

What are you doin' here?

Oh, that's it. I can't stand this job. I'm out of here.

Platoon, attention!

ALL: More P.T., Drill Sergeant! More P.T.!

We like it! We love it! We want more of it!

Make it hurt, Drill Sergeant! Make it hurt! Whoo!

BILL: Find me something. I'll do it for free.

If they like it, they can pay me.

I'll work nights. Nobody sleeps around here, anyway.

No, no, no, you're not listening to me, Jack.

You're not listening. Screw my pride! I'll take anything!

I... I'll write papers for your children!

Do you hear this?

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

It's the sound of hell.

ALL: Seven! Eight! Nine!

Ten! Eleven!

(TROOPS SHOUTING)

Go, Navy!

(GRUNTS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Eat your beans, Haywood.

That's good brain food.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, why bother?

No, no, no. Pay him no mind, Tommy Lee. Okay?

Right. You took it all, now eat it all!

Eat, eat, eat, eat.

You got more than me.

I could kick his ass.

I could kick his ass.

I could definitely kick his ass.

Double-Ds. Dumb as Dog-shit.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Dumb, huh?

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

I'd rather be a Double-D than a swinger from the ugly tree, you fat pig.

GIRLS: Ooh! (LAUGHTER)

You're bad.

Nice goin', Myers.

"Swingin' from the ugly tree"? (LAUGHS)

Damn.

DRILL SERGEANT: Anything left on your plate, we'll do extra push-ups!

You know, Mel, cling peaches were my daddy's favorite.

Give me a break, will ya, Junior?

My daddy this, my daddy that.

How many freakin' times do we have to hear about your daddy?

Eat!

Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!

We eat now, we taste it later!

Where did all this freakin' food come from?

(ALL LAUGHING) Eat! Eat it!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

All right. Who wants to start?

Nobody? (SNORTS)

I thought this was the volunteer army.

You tryin' to diss us? You can't do that.

Leroy, tell him he can't do that.

No, shut up, asshole.

Nah, man, he's dissin' you.

Why you startin' with me, Inbred Jed?

Sit over there and shut up.

Montgomery, you finished? Is that the end of the intelligent repartee?

All right.

Why don't we begin with Haywood?

(CHUCKLES)

How come I got to go first?

Because you're from Wallahoochee, Georgia.

MONTGOMERY: Get up there, boy. Willacoochee, Bill.

Willacoochee.

(EXHALES)

"There's these woods behind our trailer park.

"This old guy lives in the woods there,

"and everybody in town swore he was crazy.

"He showed me how to hunt..."

(YAWNING)

"...how to be real quiet, how to listen.

"He said he had seen everything in the world there was to see.

"And that's why he ain't never wanted to leave those woods.

"Well, me and my daddy got laid off at the paper mill.

"Whilst I spent about five months

"watchin' TV with my brothers,

"I kept thinkin' of what the old man said.

"Finally, I decided that I did wanna see more of the world,

"than what was behind that trailer park,

"so I joined up."

"I liked living with my Aunt Mavis in Chicago the best.

"But last summer, my mother Ruthie came back

"and we drove to Atlanta.

"She said we don't have to stay long,

"but then she met a man and take off.

"I waited around for a while for her to come back,

"but everybody keeps sayin', 'Just go on home.'

"I don't know where that is.

"So I take the bus to Cleveland

"and spend two days staring at the poster behind the driver

"that said, 'Be All You Can Be.'

"So I think about that for a week

"and then I think, 'I gotta be somewhere,'

"so here I am."

"In my crib, there ain't never been a time when we eat,

"or sleep, or nothin'.

"You know, everybody just runs around crazy.

"Half the time, I don't even know who they are."

(SCOFFS)

"I must be the only person in the world to join the army

"so he'd know exactly what time he was eatin' lunch."

I wanted to learn a new trade.

Sergeant Cass. Afternoon, sir.

BILL: Brian Davis, Jr.

Sir, yes, sir.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Why I Joined the Army, by Private Brian Davis, Jr.

"I wanted to be in the army for as long as I can remember.

"I never really knew my dad,

"'cause he died in Vietnam when I was a baby.

"His name was Brian, too.

"My whole life my mama showed me pictures of him,

"and read me his letters, and told me how he was a hero."

Bullshit, man. He wasn't no hero.

He was so!

How you gonna prove that, huh? You got no proof.

DAVIS: I don't need any proof! Hey, hey, hey.

Get it through your thick skull. Your daddy was no hero.

MONTGOMERY: Read my lips, Davis.

MYERS: Why don't you all shut up!

He's selling you a dream. DAVIS: No, I'm not!

Would you knock it off and let him finish? DAVIS: My mom told me!

BILL: Can't you leave him the hell alone?

BENITEZ: Your mommy made it up.

HAYWOOD: Cut it out, Benitez!

Go ahead.

"She told me about how he was a hero

"who died for his country.

"I think that if my daddy was alive today,

"he would want me to be in the army, too,

(CRYING) "so I could learn to be brave."

I'm sorry.

That's okay. It's all right. Take it easy.

(CLEARS THROAT) So, um,

"I guess the real reason I... I joined the army

"was to get a better education

"so I could get a better job."

And that's why.

"When I was a kid,

"I used to love summers, 'cause there was no school."

(ALL LAUGH)

"I had to babysit my kid sister, but I didn't mind too much.

"I mean, we'd fight a lot, but, you know, mostly we just...

"We just used to kid around.

"She wanted to be a dancer. She was pretty good, too.

"One day, a couple of summers ago,

"I sent her up to the store to buy some milk.

"Now, the bullet was meant for the dude comin' out of the store,

"but killed her just the same.

"She was only 13.

"I still miss her a lot, but I always miss her more in the summer.

"After that I decided that being part of a gang

"didn't seem like such a good idea.

"So I joined this gang."

That good enough, Mr. Rago?

Yeah.

MAN: How you doin', sir? Let's have a coin check.

BILL: Can I have a Dewar's, please, with seven Aspirin back?

Oh. Seven Aspirin? You okay?

Yeah. Oh, Jesus.

I mean, some of the stories that these kids have.

I can't... I can't believe it.

(SIGHS) It's really somethin', huh?

Everybody's got a story.

You wanna hear my story, Bill?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Not now, Tom. Some other time.

Well, you know what I think?

What's that, Tom?

I think the whole educational system is in deep trouble.

You see, after their families let 'em down,

they go to what's left of their schools.

The teachers are underpaid.

They're scared, so they stop teaching.

But that doesn't stop 'em from handing out

high school diplomas like they were toilet paper.

So that means we gotta take 'em.

Country better shape up soon, though.

We're going to hell in a handcart.

But that's strictly between you and me, right?

Yeah.

(KNOCKING BAR)

Could I have my Aspirin, please?

Sir.

DRILL SERGEANT: Swing up and stand on... No! Stand on the log!

You ready to quit? No!

You ready to quit? No, you aren't. No. No, Drill Sergeant!

All right. Get the hell back up there!

Come on, this is not that complicated.

Forty-one, Drill Sergeant!

No, Private, it's not 41. (LAUGHS)

You're reading the wrong numbers. Read the red numbers.

One, two, three! (GROANS)

You've got to be kiddin' me. No, Drill Sergeant!

Three weeks, motor mouth.

Three weeks, you have yet to show me a real push-up.

All right, Drill Sergeant. I expect to get this one pretty good.

They've all got to be good! All of them! (GROANS)

Two fingers. That's what it's supposed to be, two fingers.

Understand that, Private Myers?

Yes, Drill Sergeant.

DRILL SERGEANT: Keep movin', Benitez. All the way to the end.

Don't stop there! Don't... Come on! Get back to the line!

Go back to the start of the line! Hurry up!

You're gonna make it, Benitez.

All right, time's up.

Who wants to talk about what they read?

Benitez, come on up here.

All right.

What are you readin'? Archie comic.

Okay.

I mean, what's up with Jughead? Archie's got Betty.

And you got Reggie with Veronica.

I mean, what's up with Jughead? He got nobody.

That's no excuse, 'cause he's ugly.

I mean, in my neighborhood, it didn't matter how ugly you were,

you always had a girl.

I don't know what's the matter with this guy.

And another thing, you guys, maybe you could help me out with this.

Mr. Rago, hold on a sec.

(GROANS) Uh, here it is.

"Come on, Archie, let's go to the Malt Shop-ee."

What the hell's a Malt Shop-ee?

They're always talking about... MONTGOMERY: Benitez.

What's a Malt Shop-ee? You guys know?

Come here. Bring your stupid ass over here. Come here.

What's the matter with you?

What do you mean?

What are you doin' readin' a comic book?

He said we could bring anything we wanted.

I brought a comic book. I like comic books.

All right. Knock it off.

You're here for education, not to read comic books. You're embarrassing me, boy.

Jesus! That's stupid.

You could've got something else at the P.X.

Yeah, like Batman or Superman... True that, man.

Come on, shut up! ...or Spider-Man.

(SIGHS) Oh, God. BENITEZ: They scare me.

(MONTGOMERY LAUGHS) Bunch of hyenas.

What's the book you got, Mr. Rago?

This? Yeah.

This is called Hamlet.

Hamlet. Yo, that's about a little-bitty pig, right?

No, it ain't about a little-bitty pig.

What's it about, Billy boy?

It's about

sex, murder, incest, insanity.

Ooh!

Shoot. Beats the hell out of this garbage I'm readin'.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Guns.

Sure does.

Pretty much beats the heck out of any book ever written.

All right, Leroy. LEROY: Yeah?

What are you readin'?

Uh, Sports Illustrated. "Faces in the Crowd" section.

You know, why don't you tell us more about your book?

Sounds more interesting.

BENITEZ: Yeah, who wrote it?

Well, it was written by William Shakespeare.

You guys ever hear of Shakespeare?

Yeah, I heard of him. That guy's in Central Park every summer.

Damn. The dude must've got mugged a lot.

He's been dead for almost 400 years.

You see that? They killed him. Yeah.

They killed him. New Yorkers. Yeah.

He wrote plays.

Plays.

You know, like TV without the box.

Mmm. Ah.

They didn't have any TVs back then, or movies.

Or that many books, even.

So everybody went to the theater. Everybody.

Kings, queens, right down to the working stiffs.

Hey, so, why don't you read us some of that?

Skip to the page with some incest

so we can make Haywood feel at home.

MONTGOMERY: Sooey! (LAUGHTER)

No, you... You guys don't want to hear about Hamlet.

What? What? What? I guess we're not smart enough, huh?

No, no, no, no, no. It's just very...

I don't know, it's... MONTGOMERY: Here we go.

What, what? It's just what?

It's complicated.

So? We're here. We're listenin'.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sit down.

Okay, okay.

All right, here's the deal. Um...

Hamlet is, uh...

Uh, he's a prince.

All right? And, uh...

And he's away at college. MONTGOMERY: Ah, rich kid.

Right? And he... He gets word that his father died.

Oh, no, Davis, please, don't start cryin', please.

Leave me alone, Benitez! (CHUCKLING)

Forget about it.

Benitez, shut up, all right?

Chill.

Go ahead.

All right, so he comes home from college for the funeral.

And when he gets back, everything's fishy. All right?

I mean, you ever hear of the term,

"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark?"

No, but in Apartment 3C, my building, Ms. Leary,

every Thursday, she always cooks the corned beef and cabbage.

Mmm-hmm. I tell you,

something sure does smell rotten in the state of New York.

All right. It's the same kind of thing. Oh, man.

That was dumb. That was real dumb.

Leave him alone, man.

All right. So, anyway, he gets back and he's in mourning.

And less than a month goes by,

and his mother gets remarried.

Damn.

To his uncle.

What? Uncle?

That's the incest part, okay?

So now, Hamlet spends the rest of the play trying to decide

whether he's got the guts to go after his uncle, the king,

and avenge his father's death,

or if he wants to just go with the flow

and do what his mother is tellin' him to do.

Oh, no. Don't go out like that, Hamlet. Uh-uh.

So, well, where I am in the play... (CLEARS THROAT)

He's with his mother and the king,

and she's trying to cheer him up.

And she says,

"Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off,

"And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.

"Do not forever with thy vailed lids

"Seek for thy noble father in the dust."

What? Huh?

Hey, you want to lay that down one more time?

Yeah, please.

Well, it's... It's really easy.

You just gotta listen to it, all right?

"Cast thy nighted color off." Well, what color do we wear at a funeral?

Black.

Black!

A nighted color.

She's tellin' him not to wear black, to stop mourning.

HOBBS: Right. Right. BILL: Right?

Uh...

It says, "Let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark."

Which means she's sayin' don't glare at me as though you hate me.

Why should he? His father's body's not even cold yet

and she's given the punani to Uncle Joe.

MONTGOMERY: Right, right.

Something like that. Only it's Uncle Claudius.

What the hell is a punani?

MONTGOMERY: Cave boy never heard of punani! (ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, Mr. Bill, when my daddy split on my mama,

he moved in with, uh, with her sister, who is, of course, my auntie.

And I got a baby cousin who's also my baby sister.

That's sort of the same thing that we're talking about, ain't it?

Mel speaks. (CHUCKLES)

(APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLING) Glad to have you, Mel.

All right, all right. I got a question.

Yes?

Now, if "look like a friend" means "don't hate me,"

why don't she just say, "Don't hate me?" Hoo-ah!

Because it's poetry.

Yeah, but it don't even rhyme, yo.

Yeah, but it's like, you know, uh...

It's language.

It's trying to put things together that evoke a...

A certain...

It sounds better.

Uh, what do you mean? I mean, it doesn't sound like anything to me.

I... I don't get it.

Yeah. Come on, Teach. Teach us.

It's... All right. It's a simile.

A what?

A simile. All right, here.

BENITEZ: A simile. BILL: Yeah.

MONTGOMERY: That's easy. That's the little yellow face with a smile on it.

I know that. HOBBS: No, it's not.

MONTGOMERY: "Simile." "Simile."

It's, uh, when you take two things

that, um, don't seem alike,

but in a way, they are.

Huh? Hmm?

All right. All right, we're lookin' for a simile. Haywood.

Um...

You're, uh...

You're workin' in the mill and, uh,

you come home, or you're on your way home.

You go to a bar, you stop for a brew.

And in the bar, down at the end of the bar is a beautiful woman.

And she winks at you.

All right? You go to her, like... Fill in the blank.

(MUMBLING) I don't know.

Like a rooster with an itch!

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Like a rooster with an itch.

Way to go, Davis. You gotta love those barnyard similes.

All right, that was a simile. Way to go.

BILL: Now, here's somethin' else, a metaphor.

All men are...

Dogs. Dogs.

Oh. BILL: Okay, you got it?

Simile, "Like dogs."

Well, here's metaphor. We just plain are dogs.

Okay? All right. Now, this is a good one here. All right, let's see.

"Oxymoron."

Hey, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

You can't do that. That is a diss.

I ain't no ox-moron. All right?

No, no, no, no. Not ox-moron, schmuck. Oxymoron.

It's when you take two words that are totally the opposite,

and you jam 'em together. All right? Like, uh, "Military intelligence."

"Dark victory."

"Thunderous silence."

Hmm?

"Girly man."

(ALL CHUCKLE) He's talkin' about you, Benitez.

All right. Okay, so... BENITEZ: You're killin' me.

Let's end the class with, uh, an oxymoron from Shakespeare himself.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow."

If you say so!

Take it easy, Billy boy. LEROY: Fall in outside.

Two times.

Thanks, Mr. Bill. See you tomorrow.

Hoo-ah.

Thanks, Mr. Rago. That was neat.

Take care, Bill. Take it easy, Rocko.

(SIGHS)

I'm teachin' Shakespeare.

(CHUCKLES)

That is, uh, "Parting is such sweet sorrow."

All right. All right.

Readin' Hamlet to the Double-Ds.

(ALL SHOUTING) Come on!

I've been waitin' for this!

(GRUNTING)

Beat him down! Let's go!

Kick his ass!

MAN: Come on!

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

Hey! Hey! Huh?

You must be Bill.

Yeah, that's me.

Yeah. You don't seem to mind them calling you that.

Okay if I do the same, Bill?

No problem.

Listen, Bill, I'd appreciate it if you'd employ

a bit more discipline in your classroom.

Would that be too much to ask?

I mean, this isn't Harvard Yard here. This is a...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lou, take it easy here.

Who the fuck is Lou?

What's your problem? I'm just walkin' here.

You got a bug up your ass or something? You know what I think, Bill?

I think your whole class thing is a bunch of bullshit.

I think you're wastin' my time.

Your time? That's right.

It's their class. I don't see you in the class,

so lighten up, will you?

Their time is my time, Bill.

Now, I have exactly 54 days to teach these young kids

what it takes to save lives in combat.

In combat, Bill!

Now, I don't think they're gonna learn that

writing a bunch of touchy-feely little papers

for the English teacher. No.

They're gonna learn that out here with me!

I'm gonna be certain of that.

Now, that's my mission, Bill.

And I can handle it, 'cause it's my job.

Yeah, well, you do your job and I'll do mine, all right?

Yeah. You know what the difference here, Bill, is?

I care about what I do.

(TROOPS CONTINUE SHOUTING)

Do him, Haywood!

(GRUNTS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Lady and gentlemen, it's show time!

MONTGOMERY: Oh, Showtime at the Apollo.

What's this?

This is Hamlet.

I figured that since we have to do something,

we might as well do something that I love...

Hoo-ah!

...and that you showed a little bit of interest in. So here.

Uh, put your desks in a circle facing each other.

ALL: Hoo-ah.

You mean you want us to read this stuff?

Yeah, Benitez, even you can do it.

Plus, it cost me nine bucks to run those things off.

All right, Billy boy, it says here,

"Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven..."

Uh, "While-es, willis,

"like a puff-ed and reckless liber-tin-ay..."

"Libertine."

"Libertine." Hey, yo. You gonna come translate this for us?

Why? It's in English.

Uh-uh.

Now, Roosevelt Hobbs, you be Hamlet.

All right.

Benitez, you're gonna be Hamlet's best friend, Horatio.

That's cool, bro.

Okay, Miranda Myers, you will be Hamlet's girlfriend,

the fair Ophelia.

Hey, she ain't exactly fair.

Quiet. Melvin. HOBBS: Mighty fair to me.

Melvin! Mel.

Melvin, when you wake up... (SNORING)

...you will be Polonius, Ophelia's father.

Leroy. Hmm.

You'll be Ophelia's brother, Laertes.

Right. Gotcha.

Montgomery, you're the ghost.

The who? The ghost.

(HAYWOOD SNORTS)

You're the ghost in the hood.

(IMITATES HAYWOOD) "Ghost in the hood."

(BLABBERING) (SIGHS)

Haywood,

you're the king.

Thank you, Bill.

Damn, I should have been the king.

Davis, you will be Queen Gertrude, Hamlet's mother.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Sir, isn't that a woman's part?

Alas, Private Davis, we have but one woman in our class.

One. So...

But, sir, I'd really prefer another part.

Relax, Davis.

You'll be reassured to know that in Shakespeare's day,

all the parts were played by men.

What?

Yeah. Yeah. That's right. MYERS: Wait a minute.

Romeo and Juliet were a couple of guys?

Correctamundo.

Bill, you know as well as I do

a guy playing a girl is plain filthy!

Especially if it's gonna be my wife.

That's your woman.

That's your woman. HAYWOOD: Will you shut up, Leroy?

"Oh, they say, Jove laughs.

"O gentle Romeo,

"If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.

"Or if thou think'st I am too quickly won,

"I'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay,

"So thou wilt woo.

"In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond,

"And therefore thou mayst think my behavior light.

"But trust me, gentleman, I'll prove more true

"Than those that have more cunning to be strange."

Hmm.

"I should have been more strange,

"I should have been more strange, I must confess,

"But that thou over-heard'st, ere I was 'ware,

"My true love's passion.

"Therefore pardon me,

"And not impute this yielding to light love,

"Which the dark night hath so discovered."

You know, that shade of blue really brings out your eyes.

(ALL LAUGHING)

See?

Hoo-ah.

No problem. All right.

(TROOPS YELLING)

(GRUNTS) All right, let's go, ladies. Come on.

That's it, baby Huey. Come on, now! Move it!

"Do not saw the air too much with your hand thus..."

(TROOPS YELLING)

(SHOUTING)

No, no, no, no, no. Give me that.

You step in, and then step in with the right foot.

Step in with the right foot. All right, Drill Sergeant.

So what Hamlet's father, the ghost, is tellin' him,

that because he was killed,

poisoned in his sleep in the afternoon,

with his sins still on his soul,

that he can't get a pass straight to heaven.

He's stuck in purgatory.

All right, soldiers. Close your eyes and break the seal on the mask.

Do it! Keep your mouth closed,

and do not inhale the gas under any circumstances.

Drill Sergeant. Too easy, Drill Sergeant!

(COUGHING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING) (GRUNTING)

All right, good, good, Melvin. See how good it is when you stay awake?

Hamlet's confronted his mother,

and she knows deep down in her soul

she's gonna have these stains forever on her soul.

That's deep, man, stain on her soul.

Way deep. Right? Mmm-hmm.

(TROOPS SHOUTING)

Queen Gertrude.

DRILL SERGEANT: Yeah. Yeah. Too easy, Hobbs, huh? (GRUNTS)

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be...

"Before..."

No.

"For loan oft loses both

"itself and friend.

"And borrowing

"dulls the edge of husbandry.

"This above all,

"to thine own self be true."

Melvin, all right. Melvin, stop.

You can say the rest when you come out of the coma.

Sit down. Look, look. You gotta...

You gotta say it to a beat, you know?

Uh, does anybody play the drums?

BOTH: Hoo-ah.

Both of you?

All right then. Whack this out on the desk.

(VOCALIZING)

Come on, Haywood, get with it. Let's go.

Give him time, give him time. He's a white boy.

(BILL VOCALIZES)

So you say the lines to the beat. And you... You hear it?

(ALL DRUMMING)

Do I hear 'em bangin' on the desk?

No, this, fool! (VOCALIZES)

"This above..." Get up.

"This above all, to thine own self be true." Say it.

"This above all, to thine own self be true."

ALL: "This above all, to thine own self be true.

"This above all, to thine own self be true.

"This above all, to thine own self be true.

"This above all, to thine own self be true.

"This above all, to thine own self be true." Come on, Mel!

"This above all, to thine own self be true." Come on, Mel!

"This above all, to thine own self be true." Go, Mel, go!

"This above all, to thine own self be true." BILL: You got it!

"This above all, to thine own self be true."

Way to go, Mel! Give me five! Mel Melvin!

(ALL CHEERING) Yeehaw!

ALL: ♪ One, two, three, four One, ho! Three-four!

DRILL SERGEANT: ♪ Tiny bubbles

ALL: ♪ Tiny bubbles

♪ In my wine

♪ In my wine

♪ Makes me happy

♪ Makes me happy

♪ Makes me feel fine

♪ Makes me feel fine ♪

HAYWOOD: ♪ Don't you tell my heart

(GROANS)

♪ My achy-breaky heart

That's cruel.

Whoo! HOBBS: Damn, Haywood!

♪ Oh, if you tell my heart

♪ My achy-breaky heart

♪ I just don't think he'll understand ♪

HOBBS: Damn. Davis is thinking about his daddy again.

BENITEZ: I'll cheer him up. Play along.

Hey, Davis, you should've seen me in there.

(IMITATES DE NIRO) "Never got me down, Ray. Ya hear me?

"Never got me down, Ray."

Who's that?

Jake LaMotta.

Who?

You never seen the movie Raging Bull?

No, I missed that. You crazy?

(IMITATES DE NIRO) Hey, Larry! Who's an animal, Larry, huh?

Your mother's an animal! I'm gonna eat your dog for breakfast, Larry!

Ya hear me, Larry? You're an animal.

What? I'm an animal? What, are you crazy? I'm an animal?

Huh? I'm not an animal! I'm not an animal!

Stop! Stop! Please stop. Stop.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you.

All right, I got mail call!

(ALL CHEERING)

All right. We got Abney.

We got Anderson. Right here.

Judd. ALL: Judd!

Whoa!

Bonner. MAN: Hoo-ah!

Byrd.

MAN: Look out! Montgomery.

Oh, man! Montgomery.

Montgomery. (ALL CHEERING)

Montgomery.

Ahhh!

Hey, give me that.

Albrecht.

See that, baby? See that? Get on out. Yeah.

We got Melvin. Melvin!

Melvin!

Melvin! MAN: Anybody home?

(LAUGHING) Ho!

We got Ben. We got Bartol.

And we got Scott! MAN: Right here!

That's it, fellas. (ALL GROAN)

Sorry, man.

Davis ain't gettin' no letter, Junior?

Look, I got one.

From who? From my brother.

Damn, I ain't got a letter yet, Mel. You gotta read that one to me.

MAN 1: Has anybody seen my green socks?

MAN 2: We all got green socks.

Let's see what he has to say.

"How ya doin', how ya' doin', how ya doin'..."

Let's see, uh...

Oh, listen. "Dad put new Holleys on the Camaro

"so he could race it up at the speedway.

"It was runnin' like greased owl shit."

Hey, that's a simile, Mel.

Yeah, that is a simile, ain't it?

Damn right. (CHUCKLES)

Let's see. "Then Toby drove it last week and threw a rod,

"and Dad got mad and threw him down the stairs."

This ain't my real dad. It's my stepdad.

"Things are sure different now that you're in the Marines."

Marines? Well, he's 12.

He gets 'em mixed up, you know.

Ah.

"Dad don't have you around anymore,

"so I guess he's startin' in on his real kids."

Mel, what kind of Camaro has he got, a Z-28?

Mel, you okay, Mel?

Mel?

(SIGHS) I ain't never gonna hit my kids.

Oh, don't start sleepin' again, Mel.

You know it ain't gonna solve nothin'.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

DRILL SERGEANT: ♪ Mama, mama, don't you cry

ALL: ♪ Mama, mama, don't you cry

♪ Little boy ain't gonna die

♪ Your little boy ain't gonna die ♪

Oh! Oh, jeez!

What's the matter, heart attack?

It's the food, I'm tellin' you.

Oh, Jesus!

Junior, where you goin'?

DAVIS: I gotta go back! We're gonna be late! Junior!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! No, no, no!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Wait, wait, wait! What?

MAN: Come on, guys. Oh, Jesus.

What's your freakin' problem, Davis?

My bag! My daddy's bracelet!

His what?

It's a Montagnard bracelet. He got it in Vietnam.

He wore a bracelet?

Lots of soldiers wore 'em over there.

I left it in my shirt pocket.

So good. Now it'll be clean. Come on. Let's go.

Come on, man! What if it gets lost?

Please, you gotta help me, man. It's all I got.

We gotta get this to the quartermaster's laundry on time.

(IMITATES AL PACINO) I don't care what you gotta do.

Just look for the bracelet, okay?

All right. What's his name?

His name is Brian Davis, Jr.

Come on, man. This is stupid.

Shut up, you!

I kill you, you cockroach! Shut up!

Now look.

I gotta touch the dirty clothes, man? You kiddin' me.

Oh, shit. Please, please.

Yes! Yes! Here it is.

Oh, man, thank you. Thank you!

CASS: Prepare to uncover!

ALL: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Freeze! I said freeze!

What was that again? What time is it?

ALL: Drill Sergeant! Breakfast is at 0600, Drill Sergeant!

0600. That's correct.

Which, by my reckoning, has come and gone, has it not?

RECRUITS: Drill Sergeant! Yes, Drill Sergeant!

Hi, Miranda. CASS: I don't know. Maybe it's me this morning.

I just can't seem to hear ya. I don't hear that...

Benitez! Davis! Front and center!

You wouldn't happen to have the time, would you, Private?

Sorry, Drill Sergeant. Slight problem with the laundry, Drill Sergeant.

So does this building look like a Denny's to you, New York?

Mmm-mmm. Huh?

Show me where it says, "Breakfast served anytime."

Um...

Get on down there and push 10. Push 10!

Drill Sergeant, it was my fault, Drill Sergeant!

Now, who was I talkin' to? Was I talkin' to you? One, two, three, four...

Drill Sergeant, I asked him to help me find my daddy's bracelet.

"My daddy. My daddy." My daddy sent it home to me before...

CASS: Your daddy ain't here, son,

and your daddy can't help you!

I don't know if anybody can help you, high-speed.

But I'm sure... BILL: Lou!

Lou, go easy on the kid.

What?

He's five minutes late. I mean, talk about anal.

You must've been toilet-trained at gunpoint.

(STIFLES CHUCKLE)

Come over here. Come over here.

What? What, Lou? Take it easy. Come over here. Right here!

Don't you ever interrupt me when I'm talkin' to my soldiers.

He was five minutes late. You understand me? Man!

You been on my bad side ever since the day I laid eyes on you.

Oh, yeah? Now, you better comprehend this, Bill.

You better get this down.

'Cause I have had it with your smug college-boy attitude.

Yeah? Now you listen to me. Stay away from me.

And don't you ever, ever impugn my authority in front of my soldiers.

Now, you got that, man? Yeah, I got that.

You got it? Yeah, I got it.

Now, that's point blank and period.

(MUTTERING)

(CHUCKLES)

For the rest of the week, Private,

you'll show up here nine minutes early.

You will report here... BILL: Davis.

Just show up to my class nine minutes late is all, you see? No problemo.

Oh, that's it! That is it! What?

Drill Sergeant!

What? What? What? Who do you think you are?

You gonna tell me what to do, huh?

You're nothing! You're nothing! I'm nothing?

Did you hear what he said? I'm nothin'!

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. I'm right here. Just let me...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Sir?

So they finally sent you to the principal's office, huh?

Yeah.

Man could've killed you, Mr. Rago.

He would've been court-martialed, but he could've killed you.

He started it.

I don't know what happened, and I don't care.

All I care about is this program.

And I will not let you, Sergeant Cass, or anybody curtail its chances, okay?

Okay.

You never served in the military, did you, Mr. Rago?

No. My military experience is limited to the day

that I walked for hours in the rain

from Arlington Cemetery to the White House

carrying the name of a soldier

who died needlessly in Vietnam.

Do you remember the soldier's name?

No.

Do me a favor, Bill.

Whatever your personal views are, while you're here,

remember you are a guest of the United States Army, okay?

Okay.

From now on, by the book.

Dismissed.

"By the book."

What am I doin' here?

"Spud Duds, Spud Duds. Potato topping for the whole family."

Hmm.

HOBBS: How late is he now?

MYERS: He's very late. What difference does it make?

(EXHALES) HOBBS: Damn.

MYERS: Why would he do this?

MONTGOMERY: Hey, check it out.

We got us a substitute teacher. (ALL LAUGHING)

BENITEZ: He looks just like Mel. Bring it here, bring it here.

MONTGOMERY: Which one is the dummy?

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Melvin. Wake up, Mel.

Time for school, Mel.

MONTGOMERY: So how long are we supposed to hang around?

Your war stuff looks good. LEROY: He's just late.

BENITEZ: Maybe he got sick or something.

MONTGOMERY: Yeah, sick of us.

Oh. Sorry I'm late. HOBBS: Here comes the excuse.

The traffic really stunk.

MONTGOMERY: Traffic? Whoo! See?

(LAUGHS) You ever notice when you're in a hurry,

they radio-dispatch all people to drive in front of you?

It's ridiculous. What?

Okay.

So where were we?

Where were we? We were here.

ALL: Hoo-ah.

Give me a break, will ya? I had something important.

That's all right, Bill. We're used to it.

BENITEZ: That's for sure.

It was a job interview, for cripes' sake.

HOBBS: A what? MYERS: Job interview?

MYERS: I thought this was your job. Mmm-mmm.

We're part-time, like a paper route.

Oh, come on. Hey, what do you want from me?

Not much, I guess.

Let's get out of here. Who needs him?

Huh?

Yeah, look, we got Victory Tower at 1700, sir.

Yeah. Everybody, fall in outside.

BILL: I don't believe you guys! You stay and listen.

Yeah. We ain't nothin' but a hobby to you.

BENITEZ: Hey, Davis, we'd better go.

We might get stuck behind some old people.

You guys are never late, right, Benitez?

HAYWOOD: Last time I come to this damn class.

I got 15 minutes left!

I stood up for you, Davis.

Oh, sure.

Go ahead, go.

Oh, to hell with 'em.

If I lose 'em now, I'll never get 'em back. Damn!

Victory Tower, Victory Tower, Victory Tower, Victory Tower.

(ALL CHEERING) CASS: Come on. Let's go! Let's go!

Come on!

That's it, Leroy! That's it!

Hand over hand! Hand over hand!

CASS: That's good, Leroy!

Yes!

All right. Outstanding!

Hey, look! Billy boy!

Oh, you are lookin' at one puffin' and reckless libertine!

Check that. Whoop!

Fish in the net!

Montgomery, Leroy, you hold it! Don't go anywhere!

I got 15 minutes and I want 'em now!

Shakespeare, what are you doin' here?

Hold on a second, Lou.

All right, I was late. Big deal.

You guys gotta give me a break. Rago.

This is important, Lou.

No. No, Bill. This is important. This. This is why we're here.

This is what we're here to do. Go! Hold on a second.

Hobbs, hold on one second!

Come down from there!

Leroy!

Hobbs, I got 15 minutes left, and I want 'em!

I don't think they want to talk to you, Bill.

Montgomery!

Montgomery, get down here!

I don't even think they can hear you.

RECRUIT: Come on, Davis. Do this one for Daddy! Make him proud!

You know, from down here.

Hey, wait a minute! Just hold up, Drill Sergeant.

You can't just quit. Whoa! That's what you been doin' all your lives!

Davis! Hold it! Hold it! Don't go nowhere. Hold it. Whoa.

Okay, you guys got problems.

Well, so do I, goddamn it!

Move! Move, Davis! Keep moving!

Mr. Rago, you're gonna make me fall!

What the hell are you lookin' at?

Ahhh!

CASS: Great, Oswald! Whoa!

CASS: You don't want to end up like him!

MONTGOMERY: Rago, have you gone crazy?

CASS: Hey, Montgomery, keep moving, keep moving!

Montgomery, where ya goin'?

I can't talk to you right now, Mr. Rago! Can't talk to you now!

CASS: That's it!

Hold it! Get over there.

Davis!

Hold it. (GRUNTS) CASS: Keep movin'! Keep movin'!

You've gone far enough, Mr. Rago. All right? Now go down.

Do any of you have the slightest idea

what it's like to have mortgages...

RECRUIT: Get him. Get him. ...doctor bills, alimony payments...

Wait till you have your kids.

Then you talk to me about priorities.

Then you tell me what it's like to have a little cash flow.

Davis, what the hell are you doing?

You got up here. Now you gotta get down.

Get on your knees for safety, sir.

Huh? Jeez.

Whoa!

Oh, that's far.

CASS: Baby Huey! HUEY: Hoo-ah?

Show Shakespeare how we get down from the Victory Tower.

Yes, Drill Sergeant!

Lane one on rappel!

Lane one on belay!

CASS: Let's go, Leroy! Whoa.

Holy shit.

See ya on the ground, Mr. Rago.

CASS: A-ha! Lookin' good! (ALL CHEERING)

Whoa!

Outstanding.

Drill Sergeant. Too easy, huh?

Too easy, Drill Sergeant. (LAUGHS)

Your turn, Rago!

Your turn.

CASS: To be or not to be, Shakespeare! What'll it be?

All right. Okay. Come on.

Let's go! Let's go! Mr. Rago, you do not want to do this.

I'm doin' it. Let's go.

No! You do not want to do this, sir.

What are you doin'? You're clippin' him?

Watch the jewels. Ooh. Clippin' him. He wants to do it.

All right. Okay. All right.

Put on the gloves, Mr. Rago.

All right. Get down. Get down.

You're gonna swing your legs over the edge of the platform here.

There's a ledge right on the wood.

You got to get your feet on the ledge.

(WHISPERING) Ledge, ledge.

Put your foot down and find that ledge. What ledge?

CASS: Come on, Rago! The ledge.

There's a ledge. No ledge! No ledge!

There's a ledge. CASS: Let's go.

The ledge, right there. Okay.

Come on. Get your foot on it. Get both those feet on there. All right.

All right, now just lean back.

(GRUNTING)

Okay, first thing, don't look down.

CASS: What the hell you doin'?

Whoa! Ah!

I told ya not to look down!

Everybody looks down when you tell 'em not to look down, you know that!

All right.

All right. Look, look. Just lean back, relax.

Okay? Everything's gonna be all right. I got the rope up here,

and there's a guy down there with the other end of the rope.

Come on. Relax. Just lean back.

Get the rope. There you go.

All right You all right down there, man?

Come on, Mr. Bill. No sweat.

Melvin? He'll be asleep before I reach the ground!

He's not gonna be asleep. He's gonna be all right. Just trust me, man.

All right. The Victory Tower is yours.

Just let the rope slide. Whoa!

(RECRUITS SHOUTING) I'm dead! I'm dead!

Yeah! Yeah! Lookin' good, Mr. Rago!

HOBBS: Gonna take you all day to get down that way, Rago.

Come on. Guy's a joke, man.

(RECRUITS CLAMORING)

DAVIS: Come on! Do it to a beat!

(GROANING)

CASS: Let's go, Rago! DAVIS: One, two, three...

Good work. Come on. Here we go.

HOBBS: Down. Yeah. Yeah.

(GROANING) RECRUIT: Whoa!

DAVIS: Mr. Rago, put your feet up! Ow!

Feet up! Watch those jewels you mentioned, Mr. Rago.

Turn around the other way!

Turn around! Right around! That's the wrong way.

You gotta stay in the "L" position. That's the wrong way.

BENITEZ: Take it easy, Mr. Rago. Don't look down.

Pull me up! Pull me up! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Pull me up! Pull me up! Whoa! Whoa! Hang on!

Don't worry, Mr. Bill, I got you! Come on.

Don't let go, Mel! Mel, Mel, don't let go!

MONTGOMERY: He's got on dancin' shoes!

Go ahead and dance down the wall!

LEROY: Damn, Bill, be careful.

MONTGOMERY: Flap your little wings!

Come on!

BENITEZ: Uh-oh, the ball's dropping!

Whoa! The ball's dropping!

Back up! Whoa!

(LAUGHING)

BENITEZ: Happy New Year!

(WHOOPING) All right! Way to go, Rago!

(WHISTLING) RECRUIT: Good work.

I knew you had it in you, Mr. Bill. Good job, Mr. Bill.

Not bad for an old man, huh?

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Tomorrow, 1600 hours, right?

ALL: Hoo-ah!

Hoo-ah's right.

Good work, Mr. Bill.

You go, boy. Loosen up them ropes!

He's the man.

(BILL GROANING)

You should've wore a glove.

I did wear a glove.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES) I wish I could've been there.

The guys must be so proud of you.

Yeah. I'll remember that when they're fittin' me for a new hand.

(SIGHS)

Yo, why you always got to be such a jerk? Huh?

(CHUCKLES) That's what my kid keeps askin' me.

You have a kid?

Yeah. Emily.

She wants to be an astronomer.

Go figure.

Go figure what? What?

(GROANS)

All right. Let's start swallowing and digesting.

RECRUITS: Hoo-ah, hoo-ah! Come on, Tommy Lee.

More Victory Tower, Drill Sergeant.

I like it. I love it. I want more of it.

Make it hurt, Drill Sergeant!

Way to go, Mr. Rago. Good work, Mr. Bill.

All right. Do you mind if I sit here?

No, please. MAN: Wait a second.

HAYWOOD: Damn, Bill, you done tore that tower down!

Phew!

So what happened, anyway?

What?

Two-ten. Nothin' but muscle. Star fullback.

College scouts must've been tossin' hookers through your bedroom window.

Yeah, yeah. Just about. I busted my knee my senior year.

I mean, I can push on it a little bit now, but...

Well, let's just say it blew my shot.

Oh.

Isn't there somethin' else you can do?

No, there's nothin' else for me to do.

I was black and I played ball. That's all anybody ever cared about.

They didn't teach me anything, but, oh, they kept passin' me.

Hmm.

So I'm here, you know?

My wife works on the post here 'cause we got a baby comin'.

Leroy Junior? Great!

Kid'll probably come out wearin' a helmet, get the Heisman.

I'm keepin' that kid as far away from the playin' field as I can.

Runnin' a football never helped nobody pass a civil service exam.

Least ways, it never helped me. Excuse me.

Hey, Leroy. Leroy.

Yeah, yeah.

You ever hear of a guy named Leon Battista Alberti?

Yeah, yeah. He played for the 49ers, right?

Nah. He played for the 1400s. The Renaissance.

The what?

He's what you'd call a Renaissance man.

The guy was an architect, a writer, a painter, a musician, a scholar...

God knows what else.

But you know what I remember most about him?

They say that he could stand with his feet together like this

and spring straight over a man's head.

Really? Yeah.

If Leon Battista Alberti couldn't have done that,

I wouldn't have remembered a thing about him.

So he was sort of like a smart jock, then, right?

That's right. You got it.

Now, ain't that an oxymoron?

That is. That is. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

(CHUCKLES) Give me some. All right.

Talk to you later, Mr. Rago. All right.

The real question is,

is Ophelia right?

Is Hamlet crazy?

Hobbs.

I don't know. I think he's just playin' the fool.

Go on.

Well, it's like he says. Denmark's a prison.

Everybody's watchin' him all the time, spyin' on him.

If he thinks Denmark's a prison,

all he gotta do is move to a trailer park.

Tiny little rooms, six brothers and sisters.

I couldn't even take a whiz by myself.

Gets to you, man. It can make you crazy.

Imagine all your life waitin', growin' up,

hopin' a tornado would come and whoosh you out of there.

(RECRUITS LAUGHING)

That's not what I'm sayin', man.

See, what I'm sayin' is that Hamlet's actin' crazy for a reason.

Give him some time to think, plan his next move,

keep his eye on everybody else.

You sure you're readin' the same play?

Mr. Rago, from now on, I'm sitting next to my man Hobbs.

Smart move, Benitez.

Uh, all right. That's it.

Okay? Let's call it quits for today.

ALL: Hoo-ah.

LEROY: Fall in outside. First aid today, fellas.

So how'd you get to be so smart, huh?

Told you, girl. I been around. I seen things. Yeah!

Hobbs. Yeah.

What's the deal, man?

Deal?

Where'd you go to school?

Well, lots of places.

You ever read this stuff before?

(CHUCKLES) Nah.

Phew. Well, stick with it. You're doin' fine.

"He who increases knowledge increases sorrow."

(WHISPERING) Increases sorrow. Increases sorrow.

Shakespeare?

Mmm-mmm. The Bible.

Even Shakespeare has his superior. (CLICKS TONGUE)

LEROY: Let's go, Hobbs! Forward march!

Look, is there any way you guys could have made a mistake with this kid?

(LAUGHING) Us? Make a mistake?

I'm telling you, he doesn't belong in there.

He belongs in, uh, lieutenant training school or something.

You think I can wave a wand and send this kid to West Point?

Rago, come on.

I got guys sleepin' in the rafters.

I got a flood in the laundry.

And I just got a call from the motor pool tellin' me they lost an APC.

They lost it!

The thing's the size of a tank! How could they lose it?

It's a machine, Captain. This is a human being I'm talkin' about.

I mean, this is a smart kid, as good as they come.

Damn it, Bill, it is just not that easy!

All right. Roosevelt Hobbs. He deserves a shot.

Hobbs.

ALL: ♪ To be or not to be...

You got no rhythm.

(CHUCKLES) Badda-badda... There!

♪ To be or not to be...

DAVIS: We gotta sing at the same time?

MYERS: Yeah. Of course we do. What do ya think I'm trying to show you?

♪ To be or not to be...

(LAUGHTER)

♪ To be... ♪

MELVIN: Hey, hey! Here he comes! I seen him.

Hurry up! Everybody get ready! Here we go.

HOBBS: Are you ready? And...

RECRUITS: (RAPPING) ♪ They gotta know They gotta know we gotta flow

♪ They gotta know They gotta know, ho!

♪ They gotta know They gotta know we gotta flow

♪ They gotta know They gotta know, ho!

♪ They gotta know They gotta know we gotta flow

♪ They gotta know They gotta know, ho!

♪ They gotta know They gotta know

♪ Come with me

♪ They gotta know Cue it, check it out

♪ To be or not to be

♪ The Double-D MCs are lettin' it be

♪ Let it be To be or not to be

♪ MC Hobbs on the job rippin' rhymes like the mob

♪ The shit's iller than Cape Fear, the Shakespeare saga

♪ Started with this prince kid his moms and his father

♪ Till pops got took for his props undercover by his brother, man

♪ Now his brother's King Lover, man

♪ Actin' real trite, he took his brother's life

♪ For his green and to sex up his queen

♪ But the prince, he ain't goin' for it, he's out for revenge

♪ His pop's ghost told him, "Damn it, Hamlet, those are your ends

♪ "So just chill and cool for now

♪ "P-P-Play the fool until ya take him out

♪ "'Cause all eyes is on you So one way or the other

♪ "It's a kamikaze style or do it undercover

♪ "But either way ya gotta slay-ah, so what the hey-ah?

♪ "So strap on your black and get set for the payback"

♪ Ain't got no gat but he's sportin' a tool

♪ Strappin' a sword for the Laertes duel

♪ 'Cause he's tryin' to blame Hamlet for his sister's death

♪ But she took her own last breath, she ain't got shh left

♪ Never heard yet a more absurd set

♪ Of circumstances, murder and romances, so...

♪ Incest, we had to put it to rest

♪ We had time to manifest, he stuck the dagger in the king's chest

♪ To be or not to be The Double-D MCs is lettin' it be

♪ Let be to be or not to be ♪ To be or not to be

♪ The Double-D MCs is lettin' it be ♪ Ophelia

♪ Let be to be or not to be

♪ The Double-D MCs is lettin' it be

♪ Let be to be or not to be

♪ The Double-D MCs is lettin' it be ♪

Wow! Great! (WHISTLING)

Great. Bravo. Bravo. Go, Hamlet. Go, Hamlet.

ALL: Go, Hamlet.

Go, Hamlet. Go, Hamlet.

Go, Hamlet. Go, Hamlet. Go, Hamlet.

MAN ON PA: Fire! (GUNSHOTS)

Breathe, Haywood.

(CONSOLE BEEPS)

(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE) (CONSOLE BEEPS)

DAVIS: Damn, Haywood!

Outstanding. Outstanding.

Drill Sergeant! No problem, Drill Sergeant! Too easy!

Outstanding, Haywood.

(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)

You know, what ya need to get is a Winchester .30-30 like my pa got.

Ain't nothin' that can touch that rifle.

You know, you could pick off a deer at about 150 yards away,

but that's open-sight, mind you.

That rifle ain't got no scope.

Eh, don't listen to him. Don't get no Winchester .30-30.

You need to get yourself a Galil, an Israeli assault rifle.

All right? You can stick on twin banana clips,

pump out 60 rounds in three seconds.

That's what I'm talkin' about. Right? Yeah.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, that's a lot of deer, I guess.

Lot of deer.

MAN: Right face!

At ease! Carry on!

Go on, man.

Straight ahead, sir.

Which one, Sergeant?

(WHISPERING) He's comin' to get me. He's comin' to get me.

(CLEARS THROAT)

MURDOCH: Put down your tray, son.

MAN: Mark time, march!

Oh, this is too long for me.

DRILL SERGEANT: Eyes front!

MURDOCH: Carry on, Drill Sergeant.

What? What? You were right. He's a sharp kid.

His real name is Nathanial Hobbs.

He doctored his driver's license.

I hear it's the smart thing to do in his line of work.

What? What? He sold crack, Rago.

Apparently he was quite the entrepreneur.

Wayne County Sheriff has a warrant out for his arrest.

Two counts possession.

I guess he thought he could hide out in the army.

Sorry, Bill.

Damn it!

Damn it!

♪ Life in the streets isn't easy

That's it.

You forgot about these.

♪ All I see is pain and misery

♪ I kneel and pray for the victory

♪ Strength and protection to survive in this society

♪ A wild kid out to get a bid

♪ Did some shit that he never shoulda did

♪ But he paid the price, lived real trite

♪ Ruined his life and lived by the knife

♪ Had to learn the hard way

♪ But someday you gotta pay

Hold it! Wait!

Wait! Wait up!

Wait. Look. I talked to Colonel James.

It's ridiculous. It's the army.

Teach.

I don't know what to say.

Let it be.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry this happened. I...

Just let it be, Teach.

♪ Statistics show that kids with no dough

♪ Ain't got no chance got nowhere to go

DAVIS: Good luck, Hobbs.

Bye.

LEROY: Stay up, Hobbs.

Poor bastard. (SIGHS)

He had the stuff.

He could've made it. (ENGINE STARTS)

♪ Life in the streets is a mystery

♪ Don't know my friends from my enemies

♪ Up the ladder could be trouble

♪ But I'll hold on tight

♪ And I will never, never give up the fight ♪

How ya doin', Miranda? All right.

MONTGOMERY: You all right? Mmm-hmm.

Keep your head up.

All right. Um... We just, uh...

We just finished the play within the play.

Um, so let's discuss what happens.

Come on. You know what happens.

Wanna know what happens? I know what happens.

You try to stand up, and they knock you down.

Then you show 'em that you're smart,

and they get rid of your sorry ass.

That's what happens. That's right.

That's the way it always goes. Hoo-ah?

ALL: Hoo-ah.

A couple of days ago,

without discussing it with him,

I went to the army to ask them to look into Hobbs' record.

You did what, man? DAVIS: Oh, man!

MONTGOMERY: You did?

DAVIS: Oh, man! MONTGOMERY: What's the matter with you?

(RECRUITS CHATTERING)

I didn't know anything about his past.

Neither did any of you. Yeah, right.

I'm not sorry for what I did.

I believed in his potential. I wanted to see him succeed.

I am sorry for the result.

You sorry?

All I know is, the choices we make

dictate the life we lead.

"To thine own self be true."

One, two, three... ALL: One!

One, two, three... Two!

One, two, three... Three!

(GRUNTING)

Hey, excuse me, sir. I'm out lookin' for the base chapel.

Base chapel? MAN: Yeah.

Go back around the curve 'til you reach the P.X., you hang a right.

Mmm-hmm. You come to that line of APCs, you turn left.

You go about a half a click, you come to the RFPC building.

It's right around the back. Got it? Yeah.

PLATOON LEADER: ♪ Show the world Yeah.

RECRUITS: ♪ Show the world ♪

Ma?

Ma, you home?

(LAUGHING)

Ahhh!

(WHIMPERING)

Daddy! (CHUCKLES)

BILL: ♪ Hamlet's mama, she's the queen

ALL: ♪ Hamlet's mama, she's the queen

♪ Buys it in the final scene

♪ She buys it in the final scene

♪ Drinks a glass of funky wine

♪ Drinks a glass of funky wine

♪ Now she's Satan's Valentine

♪ Now she's Satan's Valentine ♪

Left, left, left, right... Warriors!

♪ They come from the cities and they come from the smaller towns

MONTGOMERY: They know the words, too! ♪ From the beat-up cars...

Come on. Change it! No, this is good!

Boom! Bang!

♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A. Yeah, yeah...

♪ Rockin' in the U.S.A. Whoo!

Mr. Rago, that's funny. All right, Mr. Rago, the joke's over.

Change it now. The joke is over.

It's gettin' scary back here, Mr. Rago.

Here we go. Guitar. (RADIO PLAYS GUITAR SOLO)

BILL: Go, Melvin! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Ahhh! (LAUGHING)

Look at Mel! Look at Mel! (LAUGHING)

He's sick. Go, Mel! Go, Mel!

Do the drummer solo. Go, Haywood!

DAVIS: Come on, let's take 'em in.

(WHOOPING)

♪ There was Frankie Lymon, Bobby Fuller, Mitch Ryder...

Hey, Mr. Rago! I had enough.

Mr. Rago, let me out. Let me out!

♪ Don't forget James Brown... James Brown.

James Brown? James Brown! ♪ Rockin' in the U.S.A.

Oh! Oh! Oh! (YELLING)

James Brown! All right! Turn it up!

♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

♪ James Brown ♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

♪ James Brown ♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

♪ James Brown ♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

♪ Sweet juicy brown ♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

♪ Bobby Brown ♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

♪ Snoop Doggy brown BILL: ♪ R-O-C-K in the...

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Okay, take it easy. Come on. Calm down a little bit here. Hold it. Hold it.

Hi. About how long are you staying in Canada?

Couple of hours. Where do you live?

ALL: In the U.S.A.!

RADIO: ♪ R-O-C-K in the U.S.A. ♪ Okay.

MONTGOMERY: We gotta go to Canada to see Henry V?

BILL: It's the nearest theater it's playin'.

BENITEZ: This better be good.

(WAR DRUMS BEATING)

(DRUMMING CONTINUES) (MEN SHOUTING)

(GROANING)

It's the drummer. Hey. You hear that? You hear that?

MAN: Shh... Boom, boom.

Turn around. What are you, the noise monitors?

Turn around. Turn around already. Ahhh.

"Lend the eye a terrible aspect,

"Let it pry through the portage of the head Like the brass cannon,

"let the brow o'erwhelm it As fearfully as doth a galled rock.

"Now set the teeth

"and stretch the nostril wide,

"Hold hard the breath, and bend up every spirit To his full height!

"On, on, you noblest English!

"Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof,

"Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,

"Have in these parts from morn till even fought,

"And sheath'd their swords for lack of argument.

"Dishonor not your mothers,

"now attest That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.

"Be copy now to men of grosser blood, And teach them how to war.

"And you, good yeomen,

"Whose limbs were made in England,

"show us here The mettle of your pasture,

"let us swear That you are worth your breeding,

"which I doubt not,

"For there is none of you so mean and base

"That hath not noble luster in your eyes.

"I see you stand like grayhounds in the slips,

"Straining upon the start.

(WAR DRUMS BEATING) "The game's afoot.

"Follow your spirit, and, upon this charge Cry

"'God for Harry!'" ALL: Harry!

"'England...'" England!

"'...and Saint George!'"

(MEN CHEERING)

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

See them.

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

Come on, Mel! Hey! Hey!

Ahhh!

(MELVIN GROANING) Who shall be-eth my next victim?

Yo! I can't wait to get back and do the push-ups.

(LAUGHING)

Mel, what'd you do? You slept through the whole thing, didn't you?

No, no. I didn't sleep at all.

I tell you, I really enjoyed it, Mr. Bill.

I can't thank you enough. Yeah, yeah.

The best part was the drummer.

The drummer was the best part of the whole joint. Yeah, he was good.

Listen, I liked the whole thing. Everything was great.

I just didn't like them stupid accents they used.

That's so stupid. Why can't they talk like us, right?

Listen to yourself. Listen to you!

HAYWOOD: Rocky Balboa or somebody. (LAUGHING)

Hey, I'm so cool...

Talk about an accent.

BENITEZ: Henry V says,

(IMITATING AL PACINO) "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,

"Or close the wall up with our English dead!

"In peace there's nothing so becomes a man..." As shuttin' the hell up.

(WITH CUBAN ACCENT) Okay, Tony, shut the hell up, okay?

Okay. You're drivin' me crazy, okay?

Okay, okay. I said okay.

Quiet, now. One time you gotta tell me. One time.

Shut the hell up.

Where'd you get that? At the theater. Relax, I paid for it.

ALL: ♪ Hump-ty dump-ty dump

♪ All together now ♪ Hump-ty Dump-ty dump

♪ Oh, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

♪ Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

♪ Hump, make it funky now hump, make it funky now

♪ Hump-ty Dump-ty dump ♪

See, I need some information about a soldier who served in Vietnam.

His name is Brian Davis, Sr. Okay.

No, wait. It would be, actually, Brian Davis.

Grand Forks, North Dakota.

Okay. Are you CID?

Of course I'm CID. Why else would I be here, right?

Right.

Excuse me one second.

Excuse me, Sergeant. He needs some records...

SERGEANT: Oh, he does, huh? Okay, I'll handle it, then.

Hi. No.

What?

She's not allowed to access those files

without prior authorization from her supervisor.

I'm her supervisor.

(CHUCKLES) But I just told her I was CIP.

CIT?

CIG?

"D." "D."

I'm CID. So, can I get the records?

(CHUCKLES) No.

Aw, come on. Is that all you ever say?

No.

Hmm. A window of opportunity.

Huh?

No?

(MOUTHING) No.

Mr. Bill, why do we need to know every Tom, Dick, and Orsic

in this play anyhow?

A-ha. Melvin, I'm glad you asked.

Where you goin'? No, no, no.

RECRUITS: Aw!

In four days, each and every one of you

will be up in front of the class,

facin' the firing squad.

Who's doin' the shootin'? Me.

Hey, Bill, you ain't never said nothin' 'bout no damn test.

Nobody asked me. I'm the teacher.

My hands are sweatin' already.

Well, I thought you was my boy, man. Give us a ride here.

No more rides, Montgomery. No more free passes.

Look, um, Mr. Rago, we talked about this. I'm not good at tests.

(RECRUITS CHATTERING)

Look!

You are not dumb.

But I need you to know that.

When you walk out that door,

I want you to realize that nobody gave you anything.

I want you to know what it feels like to make the grade

all on your own.

You can do it.

I know it.

Victory starts here.

MAN: Recruits, single file! Look, I need you to fill these in

and return 'em with your attendance sheets ASAP.

I need 'em for the boys' records. They graduate next week.

What is this?

It's a certificate. It says they've completed the course.

Oh!

Well, they haven't. Not yet.

I'll sign 'em when they pass the test.

Test? What test?

I'm giving 'em a test this Friday.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, no, you're not. Oh, yes, I am.

Bill, look, you don't kid around with tests in the army.

Tests are real things here.

That's right, including mine.

Look, you've done your job. The drill sergeants are happy with your guys.

They're makin' it as soldiers.

They don't need your test.

You're wrong, Tom.

If they pass it, they'll know they earned something.

And if they flunk it, they're gone.

This isn't Princeton, Rago. We don't have summer school. You got it?

(EXHALES)

Sit down, please, Bill.

Look, I know you mean well.

But this time, listen to me.

They're almost there.

Don't do to them what you did to Hobbs.

This came for you.

HOBBS: "Dear Mr. Rago,

"thanks for all your letters.

"And I don't know what you and Captain Murdoch wrote to the warden,

"but it sure worked, 'cause I may be gettin' outta here soon.

"Just wanted you to know, I've been reading Othello.

"Imagine that.

"Mr. Shakespeare writin' about a black man way back then,

"and a soldier, too.

"Prison librarian says I'm the first to check out Shakespeare in 16 years.

"She asked me if I was interested in signin' up for some college classes.

"I told her if they had a few teachers like you, I just might.

"Well, Mr. Rago, like Hamlet says,

"'The rest is silence.'

"Sincerely,

"Nathanial T. Hobbs."

Hey, Mr. Rago, let's talk about the fight between Laertes and Hamlet

at the end of the play. Now, that was good.

Yo, yo, yo. Hey, Billy, my boy, bust it.

Let's get back to the graveyard,

'cause them clowns diggin' up them skulls, that's the mad stuff.

Yo, what's up with that? Yup.

Okay. Okay.

Mr. Rago, does Hamlet have a last name or what?

MONTGOMERY: I know you know. You the man.

Yup, yup, yup. We're gonna go over everything.

But, uh... But first I have to talk to you about something.

Um, according to the army,

(EXHALES) you're not required to take a test to pass this class.

Hallelujah! Hey, yo!

(ALL CHATTERING) We passed!

I give you a A+.

MELVIN: Thank you. Well, you get an A+, too. Now, hold on, Mr. Bill.

What are you sayin' here, that if we fail, we still pass?

No, no. If you take a test, and you fail, you're out.

You're out of the army. Is that clear?

What?

What?

Um, you said if we take the test.

Yeah, Davis. The choice is yours.

Hold on. Hold on, Billy. How 'bout if we take the test, pass the test?

We get a bonus, we get, like, keys to a car, cash, a prize maybe?

A little somethin'? Some incentive?

You get a prize.

Yeah.

But you can't drive it,

or spend it,

or even see it.

All you can do is feel it.

What the hell kind of prize is that?

I got a family, all right? I need this job.

Imagine goin' home, tellin' your ma you got a Shakespearean discharge.

(SCOFFS)

Bill. Hmm?

If you get any sadder, you're gonna trip over your lip.

I'm sorry. I'm just not a fun date tonight.

Aw, just lighten up a little bit.

People are gonna think I kidnapped you. (LAUGHS)

You know, we get to keep these.

Ah. I have a lovely set of 16 at home.

I'm not much of a collector, but maybe if I get a bigger footlocker.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

You have a great sense of humor. Well, I'm a staff sergeant.

Staff Sergeant Marie.

Staff Sergeant Leighton to you.

Staff Sergeant anything to me. SHANA: Sergeant?

Oh, there you are, Shana. Sorry I'm late.

MARIE: Are you okay? Mmm-hmm.

Hi. Remember me?

Hi.

I'm Shana.

Shana Leroy. I believe you know my husband.

You're Leroy's...

Yeah. So is he.

Ah! I didn't know that...

Well, how's the kid? Fine.

Oh. Oh. You're right, you know.

He probably will come out wearin' a helmet.

(CHUCKLES) Little joke.

Yeah? (CHUCKLES)

These are for you. Mr. Davis' records.

Mr. Rago, can you put it...

MARIE: I would show it to Sergeant Cass first.

Marie.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. And thank you.

(WHISPERING) Uh, I'm gonna... Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

They're on bivouac tonight.

Looks like things went well. Yeah.

Nice kiss? Yes, it was. Thanks.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh.

CASS: Said weapon was found approximately 50 yards to my left,

in a large puddle of water.

HAYWOOD: It's my rifle, Drill Sergeant!

CASS: Now, men, this is totally unacceptable!

HAYWOOD: Drill Sergeant, yes, Drill Sergeant!

Fall back in! BILL: Lou!

Come here! I got somethin' for ya!

Lou! Hey, Lou! Come here!

It's important!

(GROANS) I know he does this on purpose.

(GRUNTS)

CASS: Yes, I love this weather! I love the rain!

He's crazy. I love it!

This is where we really start trainin'.

Just because it's rainin', the battle doesn't stop. Remember that.

Go! (RECRUITS GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

My old drill sergeant used to say... Go!

(SHOUTING AND GRUNTING)

"If it ain't rainin', we ain't trainin'!" Go! Yeah!

Oh, give me the rain! Give me the rain!

Yes, indeed. Go!

Private Melvin, front and center on the double!

Go!

(RECRUITS SHOUTING AND GRUNTING)

Private Melvin, you study Shakespeare.

Yes, sir, Drill Sergeant!

Go! Let me hear it, then.

I study Shakespeare, Drill Sergeant!

CASS: No! No! I wanna hear some!

Recite it. Go!

Fall back in. Private Benitez! Front and center!

Private Benitez, New York.

You study Shakespeare?

Drill Sergeant, yes, Drill Sergeant!

All right. Let me hear some. Go!

I said I wanna hear some. Let's go!

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

"He that lives..."

Come on, what? What was that? I can't hear it!

Come on! Go!

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

"He that outlives this day,

"and comes safe home,

"Will stand a tip-toe when this day is named,

"And rouse him at the name of Crispian."

I didn't tell ya to stop. Keep goin'! Keep goin'!

Go!

"He that shall live this day, and see old age,

"Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors, And say

"'To-morrow is Saint Crispin.'

"Then will he strip his sleeve, show his scars.

"And say 'These wounds I had on Saint Crispin's Day.'

"Old men forget, yet all shall be forgot,

"But he'll remember with advantages

"What feats he did that day,

"Then shall our names,

"Familiar in his mouth as household words

"Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,

"Warwick and Talbot,

"Salisbury and Gloucester,

"Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.

"And this story shall the good man teach his son,

"And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,

"From this day to the ending of the world,

"But we in it shall be remember'd."

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

"We few,

"we happy few,

"we band of brothers,

"For he to-day that sheds his blood with me

"Shall be my brother.

"And gentlemen in England now a-bed

"Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,

"And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks

"Who fought with us

"upon Saint Crispin's Day."

That enough, Drill Sergeant?

Yes, Benitez. Good.

That was nice! Good job!

Great. Great.

What's this?

These are Davis' father's records.

Do what you think is right.

♪ One, two, three, four

ALL: ♪ Shoot, communicate, move on out

♪ Your left, right ♪

ALL: Warriors!

Double! Rear! Hesitate! March!

Ah... Ah...

Damn! Double! Rear!

Change step! March!

Ah... Ah...

Damn good! Change step! March!

Column left! March!

Left, left, left, right, left. ALL: Go, company. Company. Warriors!

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left.

LEROY: Squad, halt!

Right face!

Fall out to instructional positions! Hoo-ah!

ALL: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one, freeze!

I said freeze!

Squad, assume test positions! Hoo-ah!

Sir! Double-D squad reporting for final exam... Sir.

Hoo-ah!

I feel sorry for Ophelia 'cause she kills herself.

'Cause first Hamlet dumps her, and then he kills her father.

It was an accident, but he did it.

So she dies without ever knowing the truth, that he really did love her.

Suicide ain't the way out.

A lot of people are on their own, and they make it.

The Ghost. Excellent.

Benitez. Uh, Yorick.

Yorick.

(RAPID GRUNTING) Yeah.

Haywood. Laertes.

Gimme somebody else.

Laertes, Haywood. Laertes is a fool!

He ain't never stopped to think about what type of person Hamlet was.

All he does is do what the king tells him to do.

When he fights Hamlet, all they do is end up killin' each other.

That's his problem. He don't stop and think before he acts.

I want somebody else, Bill.

BILL: Queen Gertrude.

Fortinbras.

What did we learn from the graveyard scene?

Leroy.

Well, maybe it means something, maybe it don't, but, um...

Well, I can see why the gravedigger say he went to work

the very day Hamlet was born.

I mean... Well, it's kinda funny when you think about it.

The day you're born, you start to die.

You see, when Hamlet see that skull in the graveyard,

he see the light.

Skull ain't got no tongue, you see?

That's why, later, when Hamlet's lyin' there, dyin',

he won't let his man Horatio kill himself.

Say, "Nah, man. I'm already gone.

"Don't fall on your sword for me.

"You gotta go on and be my tongue,

"tell my story, so I can live on."

You dig what I'm sayin'? It's deep, ya know?

It's way deep. Two times. Yeah. All right.

Two times, baby. Three times, my boy.

So what do we get out of this play?

Melvin.

You know,

all the people in the play, the kings and the queens and the princes,

they all die.

And in the end, all that's left is the two guys,

Fortinbras and Horatio.

A soldier and a student.

Ain't that somethin'?

That is something, Melvin.

Some eight or nine weeks ago, a young man or woman

apprehensively boarded a train, plane, or got into a car,

and began a journey to become a part of something

they only knew vaguely as the army.

That's Marie over there.

COLONEL JAMES: They did not go away to do something. BILL: See?

This is Emily. My daughter.

EMILY: Hi. I met her here.

Well, you could tell. She's cute.

Thank you. Well, she's very nice.

Today, we see them on this graduation field.

They are somehow stronger, prouder,

more mature, changed.

Today, you fine young men and women

assume your positions as guardians of America's future,

and that future looks bright indeed,

for both you and your country.

But we must never forget our debt of gratitude to the past,

and those who have served the army so bravely

and so well.

That is why I am especially proud

to dedicate this ceremony

to a fallen, but not forgotten, American hero.

A young radio operator serving in Vietnam,

whose platoon came under mortar attack near the outpost at Soc Trang.

This soldier held his post under fire

to relay coordinates,

which facilitated an artillery response.

This soldier gave his own life

in order to prevent the loss

of so many others.

I want to thank a civilian instructor

for pointing out this oversight,

Mr. William Rago,

for his efforts in seeing that the family of this fallen soldier

receives the honor he so richly deserves.

Company, attention!

Son, it's an honor to present to you

your father's Silver Star.

About face!

(BAND PLAYING MARCH)

DRILL SERGEANT: Eyes right!

Gee, they're tough.

To the right, march!

DRILL SERGEANT: Eyes right!

Forward march! There's Miranda.

Face front!

That's them. That's them.

Eyes right!

Ready! Front!

Double-Ds, eyes right!

(BAND PLAYING)

(WHISTLING)

CASS: Get in step! Left, right, left.

Left... Stay together!

Left, left, left, right, left.

Signin' up for another term, Bill?

Sir, yes, sir! (LAUGHING)

That's the way the English do it, Rago.

Your left, your left, your left, right, left. (CHUCKLING)

Left, left.

CASS: ♪ Hamlet's mama, she's the queen

ALL: ♪ Hamlet's mama, she's the queen

♪ Buys it in the final scene

♪ Buys it in the final scene

♪ Drinks a glass of funky wine

♪ Drinks a glass of funky wine

♪ Now she's Satan's Valentine

♪ Now she's Satan's Valentine ♪

(DRUMROLL)

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united

♪ Oh, oh, yeah

♪ And our love won't be divided

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ And our love won't be divided

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ If love a was a thing a me say money could a buy

♪ The rich man would a live a me say poor man would die

♪ If peace a was a thing they would a keep upon the earth

♪ Happiness a would abundant unity would give birth

♪ In a hungry nation, yes, you get a hungry people

♪ That is mentally cripple and a kinda always wrong

♪ Gunshot and fire in a South Africa

♪ And the youth them a suffer in a Dominica

♪ Peace, I got a plea for call

♪ I see too many kids and they simply falling

♪ In the streets, it's strife, a waste of a life

♪ 'Cause he died by the bullet or he's stabbed with a knife

♪ But yo, it ain't no way to go

♪ You can't kill the next man just to get the dough

♪ We gotta fight tonight but we gotta fight right

♪ Can't fight for the dough, we gotta fight to unite

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united

♪ Oh, oh, yeah

♪ And our love won't be divided

♪ Oh, oh, yeah, yeah

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united

♪ United

♪ And our love won't be divided

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ In America the problem take over

♪ Robber shot Peter Tosh in Kingston Jamaica

♪ Me nah joke, me nah play, me nah jester

♪ Respect Abu Baka, respect Mandela

♪ Bob Marley, intelligent Rasta

♪ Singing for world peace is Mr. Stevie Wonder

♪ If you live by the gun a you will perish by the gun

♪ And when Jah-Jah time come in Babylon them have to run

♪ We need O-N-E L-O-V-E U-N-I-T-Y, before we all die

♪ But you don't listen, you don't understand

♪ Still kicking the bullshit, tryin' to be the man

♪ Why you wanna go and do your old piece

♪ Cause we're all rough and we're from the streets

♪ You gotta go against the man with the corporation

♪ Get an education to rebuild the nation

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ And our love won't be divided

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ And our love won't be divided

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ And our love won't be divided

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ And our love won't be divided

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united

♪ United

♪ And our love won't be divided

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah

♪ Maybe one day we'll be united ♪