Original subtitles

- You haven't slept all night.

You watched three Akira Kurosawa films

on loan from Singapore in hopes

the subtitles would help you fall asleep.

You did not fall asleep.

Instead you've eaten an entire bag of cheese curls

and fallen in love with Toshiro Mifune.

You've decided he's the only man alive

who can pull off a man bun.

You've attempted to masturbate,

but keep crying on how you spoke to Freddy.

What family man?

You're one to talk.

You're selfish

and vile

and useless.

Your board game's shit.

Your friends are humoring you.

You need a win

and they all know that.

You know they're tiptoeing around you.

You think of Nadine

and how she has to tiptoe.

You know they're all just tiptoeing around you.

You know they all hate you.

They just tolerate you.

You've a big mouth

and your ideas are stupid

and your board game is stupid

and you are not a princess.

You are a steaming pile of dog shit.

You're a failure.

You say bah 100 times.

You say bah exactly 100 times.

No.

You don't say bah.

You don't say bah 100 times.

You don't think of how you spoke to Freddy.

You don't give a shit that Nadine has to tiptoe.

You think of Ryan.

Ryan is coming today.

You cook for him.

You know he'll cancel, but you cook for him.

You know he'll cancel, but you put on stockings

and heels

and a pencil skirt.

You always feel like a mermaid in a pencil skirt.

You bat your eyes

and turn your face just so

and he sees your neck

and he's yours again.

You feel yourself in his arms.

You decide against your pills.

You want to feel like you.

You want to feel like you in his arms again.

(mellow blues music)

- Okay, let me start right off by apologizing.

I overcooked the quinoa.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- [Sanya] Okay, let me start right off by apologizing,

I overcooked the quinoa.

- [Ryan] Hi.

- Hi, come on in.

Dining room, living room, kitchen, bathroom.

Take a look around.

I overcooked the quinoa,

so I'm gonna make a whole new batch.

God, that is probably the most

pretentious sentence I've ever uttered.

- [Ryan] Oh, gee whizz, I undercooked the quinoa.

- [Sanya] That's not even the half of it.

I was preempting my own self deprecation

because I was about to discuss my internal struggle

deciding between kale

and baby spinach for the side dish.

- [Ryan] You made kale?

- [Sanya] Baby spinach.

- [Ryan] Oh, thank God.

- [Sanya] Yeah, I know.

I just couldn't do it.

I'm trying to be healthy, but kale's disgusting.

- It's sandpaper.

Not in texture but in taste.

- [Sanya] Nature's naturally occurring sandpaper.

- I'm pretty sure prehistoric man

used it to varnish their mastodons.

- I have it under authority

that kale was invented by vegans.

If it enters your body and you've eaten meat,

it acts as fiberglass.

The point is everything else is ready.

Just leaving the quinoa in the pot an extra 15 minutes.

- You made so much food.

- Yeah, I cook now.

I don't cook now.

I've been feeding stray dogs in the yard all day

From my mistakes.

- [Ryan] Well, I brought wine.

One bottle for us.

And one for your roommates.

Will they be joining us for dinner?

- They won't.

Did you meet them?

Jean and Luce?

At the kickoff for my board game?

- I don't think so.

I did however play your board game

and it is so fun.

- [Sanya] Yeah.

- Daphne, Jennifer, her mom and I.

We all played it.

I mean, well of course Daphne cheated but.

- She did.

- Well yeah, I mean she's a stinker.

She was looking at everybody's cards and just.

You know actually I wanted to apologize for Daphne.

- Why?

I mean, she's playing against three adults.

You gotta do what you gotta do to win.

- [Ryan] Okay well not for her then, for me.

I mean she didn't do anything.

I'm apologizing for me.

I shouldn't have brought her with me the other day.

- No, she's adorable.

- [Ryan] Well I mean, Nadine seemed to think--

- Nadine has an opinion on everything.

- And she was right.

- [Sanya] About what?

- It was your big day.

- [Sanya] She should not have said anything

to you, I'm still pissed that she said

anything to you.

- It was your big day

and I'm your ex boyfriend--

- And I invited you.

- [Ryan] You did.

You invited me.

- It was nothing.

- It wasn't nothing,

I could see that it hurt you.

It was insensitive

and I'm sorry.

- I have to not be so reactive to things.

- [Ryan] You have a right to your feelings, Sanya.

- I know that Ryan, I'm not a child.

Just that I shouldn't have a meltdown just

because you bring your daughter,

your girlfriend's daughter to my fucking

kick off party.

- It was stupid.

I just you know, I thought you love kids

and--

- [Sanya] I do love them.

- I thought kids

and board games and--

- Please don't be cruel Ryan.

That's not you.

- How am I being cruel?

- Really? Do you really wanna double down on this...

Is that why you came here today?

Is that why you're here now?

To rub my face in it?

- [Ryan] I shouldn't be here.

Nadine was right, it only hurts you.

- Okay fuck my sister! Okay?

I don't care what my sister

has to say about it.

You make it sound like you hold conferences

about me.

I mean, you're all tip toeing around

my famous outbursts.

You even start using the same terminology

when you're around me.

When the truth is all your lives would be

fucking boring without me.

I'm the crazy one

because I'm fighting tooth

and nail for something better.

- [Ryan] Okay well on behalf of those

with boring lives,

it just looks like you're fighting.

You aren't fighting for anything,

you're just fighting

and for what?

For what? What is possibly worth this struggle

you put yourself through?

I mean...

You don't even know.

- You know all day I was terrified you might cancel.

I tried to keep myself busy but,

I was terrified.

I was worried that I wasn't important enough,

that something better was gonna warrant your time.

- That isn't an answer to what I'm asking.

- [Sanya] It is.

You just aren't listening.

- I do nothing but listen.

I actively listen

and hear you.

I always have.

Sanya you look lovely

and I'm sure that the dinner, I'm sure

it's it's it's it's delicious.

But I just came here to apologize

and to um, see that you're doing well.

And then head out.

- Well your apology is not accepted Ryan.

And I'm doing fucking peachy,

thanks for asking.

So have a nice day

and fuck off then!

- Yeah. This was clearly a bad idea.

- Yeah. It was a bad idea.

But make sure you get in the last words

so you can feel like a good guy

on your way back home.

- I am a good guy!

I am a good guy who gave you every piece of himself

and I'm sorry that that pressure was somehow

too much for you,

but let's not forget who treated who like shit--

- Then why stay Ryan?

- Because I fucking love you.

- Loved you mean?

- It doesn't go away Sanya.

You hurt me

and you broke my heart

but you don't love someone the way

that I loved you

and have it go away.

- Then why did you leave?

- You denied being pregnant.

And to this day, I don't know why?

You just terminated it as casually as

a wrong order from Amazon.

You didn't talk to me about it.

(crying)

Nothing, just gone so. Yeah.

- Will you please hold me (crying)?

- I was just never good enough for you.

You could say otherwise.

You could say that you needed me

but I needed you too, okay?

And I needed you to be at least a little happy

in knowing that no matter what else happened,

no matter where we fucked up.

At least you had me.

I couldn't just be a

back up plan.

(crying)

I couldn't be one of your settlements.

(crying)

Shhhhhh...

Okay okay, that's all right... shhh shhh.

That's all really heavy.

That's all really heavy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm just,

I'm just really hungry.

I'm yelling

and screaming

and crying into the back of my head,

I'm just thinking.

Would she just fucking feed me?

At least half of this aggressiveness is

due to hunger.

- It's probably gonna taste really bad.

- Oh, it doesn't matter.

I would eat the scraps you throw out for the strays.

I'd eat the strays.

I'd eat Kale.

- Kale would eat you.

I'm pretty sure it's sentient and seeking world domination?

- No wait no no come here look at me.

- My make up is probably all fucked up.

- Oh yeah, it's it's all over the place.

It's like the Picasso version

of your face right now.

(laughs)

All right, hold on.

One second.

- [Sanya] What are you doing right now?

- [Ryan] I have face wipes in my bag.

- [Sanya] No, don't. I'll go check in the bathroom.

- No. Stop, just come here.

Come here.

You have a beautiful face

and you hide it under all this stuff.

Okay? Just hold still.

- It's really just that you don't trust make up.

- You know I really don't.

- You just wanna make sure I haven't turned

into some kind of Guillermo del Toro creature.

- Have you seen those before

and after videos of those women

applying their make up?

They fucking freak me out.

- It's always an Asian woman.

- So racist--

- Listen, I'm sorry.

They're always Asian in those videos, right?

And they look like anime characters

with their makeup on

and without?

- They look like normal people.

- They look normal.

I look hideous.

- Shut up.

- Am I done?

- No. You're not.

Close your eyes one more time.

- So what are you doing with face wipes

in your mom purse?

- It's a normal bag.

- If it's got face wipes

and hard candies, it's a mom purse.

- Well you know I have hard candies

in there ever since I quit smoking.

- Mom purse.

- I do spend a lot of time with five year olds.

- Oh, now you're comparing me to five year olds?

- No. You are comparing you to five year olds.

- What else you got in this bag?

- I gotta say Sanya.

It was really good.

- Does Jennifer cook?

I bet she cooks.

- You really wanna talk about that?

- Well? I wanna know about your life, yeah.

I mean, you know me, if I don't know

I start filling the blanks.

- Making shit up.

- Okay. It's right more often than not.

- It's a little unfairly poetic but yes it is

uncanny just how intuitive you are.

- She cooks right?

- Yes, but you'd know that after five minutes

on her Facebook page,

she's a sous-chef.

- It's a small fish brasserie in Freemansburg.

Yeah I know. I'm an emotional cutter.

- So if you know, why do you ask?

- It's the thing to do.

I'm not trying to compete.

I always meant to get good at cooking

and never took the time.

We were gonna take cooking classes.

- And Tango classes.

- I came to your yoga classes a few times,

it's not like I didn't.

- You did, there was no issue with any of that Sanya.

- Anyway, I just wanted to do something nice.

Everything but the quinoa came out good right?

Oh my gosh yes.

It was delicious, I'm genuinely impressed.

- I learned how to do Brussels sprouts from Nadine.

I use avocado oil which is also apparently

really good for your skin.

- Is that what you've been using?

Because your face looks really clear.

- No. I use actually um,

apple cider vinegar mixed into this clay.

It's like Aztec Mud.

- Is that what it's called? Aztec Mud?

- No. It's called Aztec Secret.

- I'm not gonna lie,

I would try that right now.

I'm comfortable with my masculinity.

I'll face mask right the fuck now.

- Says the guy who has sex dreams

about Micheal Fassbender.

I guess you'd have to be.

- Okay, first of all--

- Listen, I know he's a fine specimen of a man.

- First of all, there is no shame in having

a heterosexual man crush on Micheal Fassbender.

- Or Benedict Cumberbatch or Tom Hardy

or Ryan Reynolds, I'm--

- Ryan Gosling okay, I only wanna be friends

with Ryan Reynolds.

- I mean I'd fuck any of them,

except Ken Watanabe.

- Again, racist.

- I am not racist when it comes to Asian people.

- I know, but I love how mad it makes you.

- I fell in love with the Toshiro Mifune

literally just this morning.

- Ah, stenographer, can we dial it back a second?

It wasn't a huge list.

It was a couple of dudes.

A small smattering of dudes that could sway me.

And I can admit that it's probably

out of partially wanting to be them I'm

sure that plays a big aspect.

But let's be clear,

I could get butt sex if I wanted.

I could get butt sex if I wanted.

I mean I've got junk in the trunk.

- Oh, I'm well aware of your ghetto booty.

- I'm saying I could have

butt sex if I wanted it.

Let's be clear about that.

If I were after it, I could get it.

I'm not harboring some hidden gayness.

- You're the one talking about it.

- That was one time.

One time I had a sex dream about Micheal Fassbender

and I would tell you if it wasn't.

I'm comfortable with myself.

I told you about Micheal in confidence.

I'm not looking to have to go and explain the

complexity of male sexuality to all

of our mutual acquaintances.

- I haven't told anybody.

- Well, I appreciate that.

- I think it's great that Michael Fassbender

rocked your pudding pack.

But it's private.

Okay I was not rocked.

I was not rocked okay?

I, it was sweet

and playful

and tender.

He is a very considerate lover.

(laughs)

- I love, how you literally picked the

biggest dick in Hollywood for your gay dream.

- I mean, go big or go home.

- Was it after seeing Shame.

- His penis is just humongous!

(laughs)

And it's just bam!

Right there.

- So large (laughs).

- [Ryan] I think my greatest fear in the world

is Micheal Fassbender wanting to have sex

with one of my girlfriends.

- I think that your greatest fear

should be him wanting to have sex with you.

- Well, either way, my life is ruined.

- You're powerless to stop it.

- I mean if I had a dick like that,

I'd be showing it off in every movie I was I too.

- [Sanya] That's called porn.

- Yeah.

But I'd only be in like the really artsy porn.

But see that's the thing.

You can't have a porn star dick

and be that talented.

- [Sanya] How could normal guys compete?

- We can't.

We just can't.

It's like seeing Shame, it's like one

of those before and after moments

where you're like, "This is what I thought life was

and what I thought life could be."

- [Sanya] And after?

- After you realize you're just some dude.

And not a particularly amazing one at that.

- I think that's the real reason

they called the movie Shame.

All right some dude, help me clear these dishes.

(rinsing)

Dishes are clean.

- The dishes are clean.

High five...turkey!

- You, I'm gonna fucking kill you,

you son of a bitch!

(laughing)

Stupid asshole.

- Are we gonna put on those face masks?

I need to look smooth for Micheal.

(laughing)

Am I doing this right?

- You want a nice even coat

and you can't be all expressive.

- Serene face shows every emotion.

- I, okay I'm not gonna take you seriously

with this stuff (laughs).

All right, you shouldn't even talk

with any expression.

- Calm face, serene voice, got it.

Get all your smiles now.

These are your rules.

I'm just respecting them.

Would you fuck me?

(laughs)

I'd fuck me.

I'd fuck me hard.

- All right, you start the movie.

- Okay.

- I'll get the... Oh shit!

- What?

Wait, how are we going to drink

wine with these things on?

How do you drink with this?

- All right, hold on.

I got this.

- So I should start the movie?

- Uh huh.

- Okay.

(sipping)

- Like this?

- Yeah. Don't suck in your cheeks though, careful.

- Okay. I don't think this is normally a drinking activity.

- Pause it. I gotta get more wine.

- Okay.

Does your fantasy version of my life

include me wearing Aztec Secrets? Hmm?

Have you written a beautiful fantasy for me?

I'd love to hear it.

You have such a beautiful mind Sanya.

Is my face all red now?

(sipping)

- You know, sipping from straws is supposed

to get you drunk faster.

- Is that true?

- I don't know. Is anything true?

I read it somewhere.

- You know I haven't been wine drunk

in a long time.

- Before we restart the movie,

can I make one creepy

ex girlfriend request?

- I think it was kinda creepy just

in how you asked that.

- It's just one thing. Okay

and I know it's weird.

- Yeah, I kinda feel like I know where this is going

and--

- I wanna smell your breath.

- Yeah, that's exactly the weird creepy

thing that I was expecting.

- But your scent is in your breath.

- Yeah, I know that's what you say?

And I thought it was weird back

when I was your boyfriend

and it's even weirder now.

No. No you can't smell my breath.

That's like a strangely erotic request.

- No it's not, it's like a friend smelling

your breath to make sure your breath smells okay.

- Yeah, a creepy friend that's gonna touch themselves

thinking about it later you weirdo.

- You know what?

If I wasn't wearing this skirt,

I could totally taken you before

I could have gotten it by force.

- Okay rapey, I think you're drunk.

(laughs)

- Extensively and unabashedly.

- Okay

and I've had some too.

So maybe just calm it down a little bit?

- You know I always feel like a mermaid

in a pencil skirt?

- Is that your mermaid pose?

- They always remember the beauty of a mermaid

but fail to recall the leading sailors

to their death part?

- I blame Disney.

Everything needs to be romanticized.

It's very dangerous.

- It's the difference between the experience of a thing

and the impression of a thing.

I've always considered myself of more of the

John Williams Waterhouse version of a mermaid.

You know paunch and all.

- [Ryan] Is this still some play to smell my breath?

- Have you ever seen that painting?

- [Ryan] I don't think so.

I'll look it up.

- I'd need more of a tummy though.

All right, paunch might be a bit of an exaggeration?

I mean she's beautiful in that painting.

She's just full you know?

She's a full woman.

I'm becoming more full in my old age.

- [Ryan] Oh yeah, you're ancient.

- Are you looking at the painting?

- [Ryan] I am it's um.

It's lovely.

- She's also topless,

as memory serves.

- [Ryan] Oh. Is that what you're doing?

Trying to lead this poor sailer astray?

Now that...

That you should stop.

It's cute Sanya, you know it is.

But please don't tease me.

- But I'm having a hard time with these buttons.

- [Ryan] That's because you're drunk.

All right now stop!

I'm not turning you down because you're not sexy

or whatever. You know how attracted to you I am.

But it can't be like this.

- You say I'm teasing you.

Don't act like you're not teasing me right back.

I mean why are you even still here?

Are you playing dress up for a day?

Playing house with me like I'm Daphne?

- [Ryan] This is certainly not how she

and I would be playing house.

- I mean, we can't just be friends Ryan, okay?

We can dance around it for a while... (coughs).

(vomits)

- [Ryan] Sanya what's wrong? Damn.

(vomits)

Ahh Sanya come here.

Let me, let me--

- Oh suddenly you think you can just come back

into my life

and hold my hair, just swoop it

and hold my hair?

- Okay, do you wanna throw up on it?

- I deserve more than your part-time love.

It doesn't matter.

(sniffs)

- That's all I can give you as your friend.

- Oh my God, do you hear how we talk?

I mean I described paintings from the

turn of the 19th century to seduce my ex-boyfriend.

- It was very seductive.

- If only Mr. Waterhouse could see me now (coughs).

- Okay. I'll be right back.

- Where are you going?

- Your kitchen.

- Are you gonna rob me?

- [Ryan] Yes, our entire relationship has been a

clever rouse for me to be able to steal things

from your room mates.

- Planning to steal all my Eggo Waffles?

- [Ryan] I promise I won't steal your Eggo Waffles.

- A waffle, a waffle, waffle, waff waff waffle.

That's a really funny word, waffle.

Waffle. Hey, hey Ryan.

Ryan, oh no no no no no too soon to get up.

I came up with a joke about waffles once.

Did I ever tell you this one?

- [Ryan] What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about waffles.

Did I ever tell you my waffle joke?

- [Ryan] Not that I recall.

- It's a coincidence that I'm thinking about them now.

I mean unless I've got some sort of a waffle fetish.

But that's got to do with sex though

and I don't really find waffles sexy per se.

Wait, what do I mean?

Per se, I don't find them sexy at all.

I've got a soft spot for waffles

in my brain parts.

That's a better way of putting it.

Hey what are you looking for?

- [Ryan] Bread.

- Who wants stinky old bread?

Okay listen. This is my joke.

I picture it for like a comic strip

or like a meme.

- Okay, I want you to eat this.

- Sanya, I need you to eat this.

- No.

- Sanya eat the bread.

- No.

- Sanya, the bread.

- No means no!

Why does nobody respect what I say?

- It's for your own good.

Please eat the bread?

- Joke first.

So. Okay picture it, it's a waffle.

In like a World War Two uniform, in like a biplane.

- Great, I heard it. Eat the bread.

- Does that sound like a joke to you? Seriously.

Okay, so the waffles's jacket

and the biplane would have swastikas on it.

- Great, eat the bread now please.

- And the caption would say," Luft Waffle".

Luftwaffe, you get it?

- You are the pun master.

- You don't get it.

It's because German fighter pilots

were called Luftwaffe.

- Take the bread.

- I'm going to tell you a very deep dark secret.

(sniff)

(coughs)

I have an abnormal attraction to Nazis.

You know, but the woman parts want what they want.

- Same with the men parts.

- No changing that.

- Nope, no changing that.

Did you finish your bread?

- I ate it.

- Is it in the toilet?

- Yes.

- Okay. I'm gonna get you some more.

- Wait.

I'm really drunk.

Will you just hold me?

- Are you done throwing up?

- I don't know.

- All right, I'm gonna hold you like this, okay?

I'll hold you like this.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- It's Nadine.

Not a burglar.

Are you fucking serious?

- What time is it?

- [Nadine] You came back for seconds?

Haven't you hurt her enough?

- Why is everyone being so fucking mean to me?

- [Nadine] You have a girlfriend.

- Okay. Okay nothing happened,

we just had a little too much to drink.

- [Nadine] That's something happening.

The two of you together is something happening.

- Okay. Okay get off it Nadine.

All right it's none of your business.

- [Nadine] It it, it is exactly my business

because you won't be here for the meltdown

in the wake of this disaster.

- [Ryan] Okay. I put in plenty of time on the

meltdowns all right?

And let's not talk about her as

if she's some sort of a event anymore all right?

She's a person.

Hey Sanya.

- [Nadine] You've done just fine this evening.

I'll take care of it.

- Get up, we're going to get you a drink of water

and some bed.

- Just get out.

Sanya come on.

- I'm awake, I'm up, I'm up.

- [Ryan] Okay.I've had too much to drink.

I'm going to sit on the couch

and just sober up.

- You will sit in your car

and sober up.

- [Ryan] Fine.

- Ryan.

- I don't have any cool last lines to exit on Sanya.

- What?

- I'm not allowed to say anything?

- No. No, you're right.

You're not if you are going judge me while you

bang some other dude.

- It's Lemon Drop actually that I'm banging

and she's headed to Montreal.

and I'm kicking around the idea of going with her.

I thought you should know.

- Now I know.

Is that it?

Then maybe kindly get the fuck out of my house.

Where are you?

- [Ryan] I'm in my car out front.

- Did I seriously say I have an abnormal

attraction to Nazis?

- [Ryan] You said a lot of things.

- It's the uniforms more than anything.

I don't find genocide or bigotry at all attractive.

- [Ryan] You should watch The Night Porter.

- And you should come back inside.

- [Ryan] I don't think that's a good idea.

- Ryan I need you to come back inside.

- [Ryan] I made a relatively graceful

exit just now.

Okay, maybe not graceful but I made a successful exit...

- I'm laying in bed

and my feet are cold.

- [Ryan] I can't do that.

- You need to go back to Jennifer.

- [Ryan] Yes.

- You won't be coming back will you?

- [Ryan] No.

- Will you stay on the phone with me?

Until I fall asleep?

- [Ryan] Yes.

- Do you still wanna hear my fantasy

version of your life?

- [Ryan] I do, yes.

- You go home.

You go home to Jennifer.

You arrive but she isn't there.

She's still away at her Somalia retreat.

You check your misread texts.

And realize she's messaged you three times.

Only once to ask how it was to reconnect with Sanya.

You let out Checkers, you step outside.

You fantasize about smoking a cigarette

and watch the intense face Checkers makes

while he poops.

You imitate the dramatic way he turns away

not to look at you.

(sniffs)

You cover your mother in law with a blanket.

You kiss the top of Daphne's little head.

You smell fresh pecan shortbread cookies.

And you see a sign that says "you may have one."

"And that means you Ryan."

You stare at the plate

but you don't take a cookie.

You go to bed instead.

And you smell your palms

and your fingertips.

They still smell of Sanya's hair.

And vaguely of the perfume from her wrists.

You think of her scent.

And of her perfect little moans

and the way that she turns her neck just so

you think of these things.

You think of her every day.

- [Ryan] Yeah. That all checks out.

- You think of the three days you

were snowed in together.

And you watched all the films you wanted to share

and made love all day

and ate an entire loaf of my...

Of Sanya's mom's banana bread in one sitting.

And talked about your dreams.

Without the pressures of success.

(sniffs)

I couldn't have a baby Ryan.

I couldn't bring a child into this world

to suffer at my selfishness.

I couldn't have a child

and give it all my love

and life when I wasn't well

and I was still a child myself.

And I would have only resented it for

keeping me from my dreams.

And I couldn't let you take care of both of us.

I know you would have wanted to

but I couldn't even see it.

I couldn't talk about it.

And I failed you.

I love you.

And I failed you (sniffs).

I love you Ryan.

You're the only one who ever loved

all the pieces of me.

And I know you have to go back to Jennifer

and to Daphne

and your dog.

But please, please come back inside.

Please, (cries) please.

Please

(mellow blues music)