Original subtitles

(moody jazz music)

(vocalizing)

- Studies show that more than diet or exerside,

sorry, I can't speak today for some reason,

geez, exercise, more than diet or exercise,

it is social integration and lasting friendships

that lead to a long life.

I mean this is science.

Sociological science, neurological science.

It's why my moms are gonna live to be 100.

Or were gonna live to be 100,

a piece, not collectively.

I mean Katie and Katey,

could it be any more perfect?

Two lesbians with the same name

falling in love, one i-e, one e-y.

The i-e's and e-y's falling in love.

The i-e's and e-y's getting married.

The i-e's and e-y's getting divorced.

Happiest couple that I ever known

in my life, mind you.

Happiest couple anybody's ever known, mind you.

Mind you, mind you the best fakers around.

Nobody I know is happy.

No individual, no couple,

it's all just mass depression.

It's not even depression, it's mass ambivalence.

No, no, it's ennui.

The world is a traveling circus of ennui,

and it would be so depressing

if it weren't so fucking comical.

I mean, we're all trapped in this French film, right,

and it's not a good one.

It's not even beautifully melancholic,

just this funk, this overwhelming funk

lingering in everything.

And the people I thought were happy,

people I thought had some kinda like,

not answer, but who knew what the fuck

they were doing or content or what,

and I don't even know how to articulate

my thoughts (laughs) right now,

and I always know how to express...

I've got no goddamn role models, okay?

I've got nobody telling me that everything's

gonna be all right,

nobody I believe, that is.

And the people who can, people who do tell

me everything's gonna be all right,

they're fucking idiots!

Nobody can tell me if everything's gonna be all right,

'cause it just isn't! (panting)

I'm sorry, what was your question?

- [Nadine] What do you think of the house?

- [Sanya] It's fine.

- Fine like you wanna live here fine?

- [Sanya] Fine like I don't wanna move fine.

- No one wants to move.

Moving sucks, but it's a necessity, right?

Here, you'll have a room, affordable rent.

- And roommates.

- And roommates who you'll love,

and who will love you.

- And the first time I have a freak-out?

(blowing raspberry) Out on the street.

- No, not (blowing raspberry) out on the street.

I mean, obviously, try not to have

an unnecessary freak-out,

but Gene and Luce are very understanding.

- What does that mean they're understanding?

- It means what it means.

- Understanding means nothing.

That's like saying they're nice.

- They are nice.

- Nice doesn't mean anything, Nadine.

- They are nice and understanding and empathetic.

- Okay, so they're empathetic.

They aren't even here to meet me.

- I thought you would wanna see the house

with me first because I know how much you hate change.

- I do hate change!

- I know!

- Well, that was very considerate.

(stomping footsteps)

Okay, I've got nobody telling

me that everything's gonna be all right.

Nobody I believe, that is, and the people who can,

people who do tell me everything's gonna

be all right, they're fuckin' idiots!

Nobody can tell me if everything's gonna be all right,

'cause it just isn't! (panting)

I'm sorry, what was your question?

- You were telling me about the stress of the move,

and I had asked if your panic attacks had been persistent.

- Right, yeah, yeah.

I mean, no!

Right, yeah, as in now I remember that you asked.

No to the panic attacks.

Well, yes to the, yes, well, yeah, yeah,

yes, obviously, yes there have been (stuttering)

but the grounding techniques you gave me,

they've been helping.

- And I see Dr. Sayjee has you back on olanzapine?

- [Sanya] A couple of weeks now, yeah.

- Are you taking it now?

- You know it's fun.

I've got two doctors, two moms,

my sister, and all the voices in my head

asking about the olanzapine.

I hear that word so often might as well be

my nickname. (laughs)

And that's a joke, by the way.

Because I've got one internal monologue

going on just like everybody else.

I don't need you running to Dr. Sayjee

saying I'm full-on schizophrenic

because I'm already on the olanzapine.

Did you put me on the aripiprazole next?

I fucking know it.

I'd be drooling in no time.

Clozapine's after that,

I'll be a freaking vegetable, a drooling fucking cabbage,

who can't sleep, but sure as fuck

doesn't have panic attacks anymore.

I mean, carrots, carrots don't have panic attacks.

Rutabagas, rutabagas don't have panic attacks.

You know, my grandmother used to call me that.

Her little rutabaga.

Now I'll be her big fucking lard-ass,

can't shit, can't sleep, can't have

a free fucking thought rutabaga.

- [Therapist] I need you to know that I don't go

running to Dr. Sayjee, or anyone else for that matter,

- I know that. - with what you tell me.

- Yes I know that. - She

- merely keeps me updated

with your practices, your medical history

for which we have your written consent.

- Listen, I understand, that it's necessary.

I was exaggerating to make a point, I am sorry.

- [Therapist] You don't have to apologize.

It's not a matter of doing something wrong,

I just want that to be clear.

- It is.

- So is there something specific

that you had you go back on it?

- [Sanya] Ryan? I.

(stomping footsteps)

I didn't think you'd come. (laughs)

- [Ryan] Oh, well, it's, you know,

it's your big night.

- You came all this way. (panting)

Well, hello.

- [Ryan] You wanna say hi, Daphne?

- [Sanya] Hi, Daphne.

- She might be a little bit shy.

Wanna say hi?

- Hi.

(Ryan and Sanya laughing)

- Oh, there she is.

Can you smile for me?

Oh, what a beautiful smile.

- Daddy says you're a princess.

- He does? (chuckles)

- [Ryan] Well, she's obsessed with Frozen.

- Actually, I'm not a princess anymore.

Do you know what I am now?

- What?

- (chuckles) I don't know either.

I was hoping you could tell me. (chuckles)

Can I have a hug?

- Yes.

(Sanya crying)

- [Daphne] Oh, don't cry, Elsa.

(Sanya chuckling)

- You're a real sweetheart.

I have to give a speech but we should talk, right?

- Yeah, uh, yeah just, I mean,

message me on Facebook, or, I mean,

you've got my number.

So, yeah, we'll,

yeah, we'll talk.

(Sanya chuckling)

- She's perfect.

(Ryan chuckles)

You are perfect. (Daphne giggling)

(Ryan and Sanya laughing)

- Oh, Sanya, Daphne, earmuffs, earmuffs.

That jacket is fucking badass.

- [Therapist] Is there something specific

that you had you go back on it?

- My game? (chuckles)

My game was finished,

and I had to give a speech,

and my sister (chuckles) was being a real bitch,

to be honest, so yeah, nah, nothing specific.

- Are you taking it now?

- No, but not because I haven't-

- It needs to build up into your system.

- [Sanya] I'm not a beetroot, I know that.

- But you are taking-

- [Sanya] I'm not a broccoli or a kumquat or a cum twat,

and I'm really vulgar, and I'm sorry about that.

- No, cum twat is a fruit actually.

- Cum twats are fruits.

- Yeah, cum twats are fruits.

- (exhales sharply) I've been taking them.

(stomping footsteps)

The moms are assholes.

- The moms are assholes.

You had no disagreement coming from me,

but you wouldn't wanna be staying

in their basement even if they weren't divorcing, right?

Right?

- So what, Gene and Lucy,

they're, - Luce.

- they're apathetic, you were saying?

- Luce is a very close friend,

we're very close.

- I know all your friends.

- You don't know all my friends.

- I know all your close friends.

- You don't know my work friends

or my old Bowling League friends,

or some of my adult friends.

You know Freddy and my friends.

- Luce hasn't been to any of the parties.

Never once have you turned down plans

with me to go to lunch with Gene and Luce,

or go to an art gallery opening, or whatever it is

adult friends do with one another.

I'd like to think it's going to art galleries.

I'd like to think I'd go to art galleries

with my adult friends someday.

- It's not hard to go to an art gallery.

- If I wanted to go, I'd just go.

- I think you have it in your head

that it's harder than it is.

- You don't have friends, Nadine.

- Does it make you uncomfortable

that you don't know my whole life?

- Does Luce know you're having an affair?

Is it with Gene?

Sorry, I am just trying to quantify

the closeness of this newly discovered friend

from some corner of your life I'm unaware of.

- You take up one corner, Sanya.

There are all these other corners

that you know nothing about.

- (smacks lips) I'm just trying

to see where we all fall in the pecking order.

- You have an entire corner dedicated to you.

Maybe even more, but there are all these areas

and regions that you are completely ignorant to.

- Ignorant to imaginary friends Gene and Luce,

I'll tell you that.

- You're exhausting.

If you don't want to move in,

or consider moving in with Gene and Luce,

then fine, fine.

Struggle in your own apartment,

or if there is someone else who wants

to bunk with you-

- Yeah, because there are crevices

and alleyways and corners of my life

you don't know about either, Nadine.

- Does every attempt to help you always have

to be a trial?

- I object.

Seriously, is it Gene?

- (chuckles) Gene is gay.

He's a teddy bear, you'll love him.

Everyone loves him.

And Luce's brother passed away five years ago,

but you will not repeat,

not say that I said that.

I mean she's very open and will tell you herself,

but, ever since, she's been very warm.

I mean she's always been very warm,

but she's very caring.

And they take in strays, both literal strays

and figurative people strays.

It is the best fit.

(chuckles) I keep setting up these things

for you, Sanya, to help your situation,

and you're the only one who's keeping

them from happening.

It doesn't have to be the palace or the slumps,

there's a whole country, a continent,

the whole world in between that doesn't

have to be labeled as settling.

(muffled echoed chattering)

(clicking echoed footsteps)

(muffled echoed speaking)

(muffled echoed chattering)

(muffled echoed speaking)

(muffled echoed speaking)

(muffled echoed speaking).

(clicking echoed footsteps)

- [Sanya] You choose this one,

you give it meaning.

You decide this is your favorite,

and so you give it meaning.

You stand outside the game room.

You have a speech to give.

You pause, you breathe.

You made a game.

You gave it meaning.

You enter, and everyone cheers for you.

(audience applauding and cheering)

You see that everyone gives it meaning.

You see Freddy.

Hi, everybody, thank you.

You see Singapore,

you see Nadine,

you see Lemon Drop,

you see all these people you barely know,

all here for you.

You gave it meaning.

You give a speech.

You see Ryan.

You give a speech.

You see Nadine ask Ryan to leave.

So, I'm just really grateful to all of them and.

You give a speech,

you forget what it means. Yeah, um.

- [Ryan] Ready to go see mom?

- [Sanya] You are fairly certain

it never meant anything anyway.

- [Ryan] Here we go sweetie.

Careful of the steps.

- You see Ryan leave. - One,

two, three, okay.

- [Sanya] You can see nothing ahead,

like a grand dear staring

back expectantly at those that call it prey.

Is this my time?

You hear it whisper.

Is this my time?

(muffled chattering)

- Ryan?

Ryan?

Ryan? Ryan?

- Sanya, are you okay?

Hey, what's going on?

What's going on? - Just, don't touch me.

- Okay, okay.

- Fuck. (grunts)

- Wow, what is this?

What's the protocol here?

Tell me what you need. - I need to scream,

I need to fucking scream.

- Okay, yeah, yeah.

(Sanya screaming muffled)

Deep dive.

Deep dive, yep,

you can even smack me a little, if you need to.

Wanna, okay.

(groans) Ah, yeah good,

yeah okay but not as hard,

I'm big but I'm gentle.

(Sanya moaning)

All right, ring it all out.

Ring out all them feels, okay.

(Sanya speaking muffled)

The screaming and the laughing I heard, (chuckles)

but the words were lost on me.

- I can't go back in there, Freddy.

- Okay, fine.

Fuck 'em, it's your party.

But, I mean you might be bummed out in the long run

if you miss it.

- I just need a breather.

I don't know if it's the pressure

of being guest of honor or the people,

I don't know. (panting)

- Okay. All right.

You want some ice cream?

Or a Chocolate Lab, or a haircut?

(both laughing)

- [Sanya] I'll just start ordering.

- [Saleswoman] Yeah.

- [Freddy] So pretty.

- [Sanya] Okay.

- Now, we're jumping around here a bit,

going on a bunch of tangents,

but I wanna go back a second.

You said, "Be yourself, or feel like myself."

That when you attend our session,

you want to be yourself.

What is that like?

- Like, like not on drugs, not sedated.

- All right, going with that,

not being sedated, what is that like?

- 'Cause, I mean, I don't perpetuate

the stereotype that medication stifles artists or anything.

I'm sure it helps a lot of people,

and I am not trying to cast aspersions here, but-

- Well, it's just you and I here, Sanya,

no one's countermanding your stereotypes.

- Okay, well, people are fucking touchy nowadays.

It's become trained behavior to incorporate an apology

into everything you say.

- Well, we were just talking about you, Sanya.

I wanna know what being yourself means to you.

- Being like neurotic, schitzy, touchy, like this.

- And that's the state you want to be in?

- Well, over the alternative, yeah.

Over being part of the produce isle, yes.

- Because being neurotic, being schitzy is the real you?

- It's a big fucking part of me, yeah.

I don't know what it is you want from me.

I mean, the medication's like a bandaid, right?

It's not a cure, it's a bandaid

for internal head shit, right?

Like you take your car, when it's been wonky,

to the mechanic.

You tell him, "My car makes a funny noise."

"When I rev the engine."

You rev the engine, it makes a funny noise,

he says, "Oh, more oil,"

or "the fuel line's messed up" or whatever.

- Is that what you're doing with me?

Are you revving your engine

to show me what's bothering you?

- I guess, I come in, I tell you my symptoms,

I get a diagnosis.

- Well, I see your metaphor and therapy

a little differently.

- Okay, listen, I am not trying to minimize you,

or what it is you do.

I respect therapy, I work therapy.

- You do, and you're very smart, Sanya.

I feel as though you play a character

for me when you come in here.

I take the metaphor of revving engine

as you making a show of what's

bothering you. - So you think I'm faking,

I'm lying. - I didn't say that.

- Who is that helping?

You're an entertainer, Sanya,

and a storyteller,

and I think you wanna please me.

You glom onto what it is you think I want,

what diagnosis you'd give yourself, perhaps,

and you steer our interaction,

so it will reflect the version

of you, you think I want.

- Hmm.

- [Therapist] Where did you go just now?

- I'm internalizing what you just said.

- Do you want to tell me what you're thinking, right now?

- (exhales sharply) Are we talking,

or are you just looking to chill?

- Who's the first person you tell good news to?

This is a leading question.

- [Freddy] When I get good news,

I tell the first person I see.

- So there isn't a specific person, like Nadie?

- Well, sure I tell the wifey but, otherwise,

when I get good news,

I'm spreading the joy, far and wide.

- For me, good news is never real

until I tell Ryan.

- Ah, we're discussing Ryan.

- Well, he was at the thing, just now.

- Just now?

I thought I recognized him,

but I don't know him super well.

I know he's been at a bunch of your mom's brunch things.

- It's not a big deal.

- So that's why in the parking lot?

- And bad news.

You share your bad news with Nadine?

- Sure, why are you so interested

in Nadine and I specifically?

- Well you have been married for 15 years.

- Aah, 13.

(laughing) Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

- And when did you stop telling her things?

- I tell her things.

What, did she say that I don't tell her things?

- The only thing better than good news,

it's the look Ryan would give you when he was proud of you.

- I think we're having two separate conversations here.

- When I would fantasize about Ryan,

it so rarely has anything to do

with anything sexual.

It's like going to the grocery store,

or the three months we had to do

our laundry at the laundromat

when our machine broke.

And it was only our dryer,

but what were we gonna do,

let everything air-dry?

- When you've been married for 13 years, Sanya,

excursions to the grocery store or the laundromat

just, they don't pose much adventure anymore.

- [Sanya] Does Nadine share her bad news with you?

- What is this?

What is this that you're doing?

- So what, you judge Ryan and my relationship

because three and a half years

isn't big league enough for you?

- I am not judging you.

- So how is your marriage, Freddy?

Why are you picking at imaginary scabs right now?

Are you looking for a button to push?

- Ryan and I, we would argue and fight,

and fuck and cuddle,

and now you walk out because that's the answer.

- [Freddy] No, I'm walking out because you're

making a scene in public.

- Oh, I am making a scene

(door squeaks) in public.

I am making a scene in public. (chuckles)

Would not wanna uproot the lives

of the civilians of the Chocolate Lab.

Oh, alert the mayor, Sanya's making a scene in public.

Cancel the parade, because Sanya is making

a scene in the Chocolate Lab. (panting)

(stomping footsteps)

(door squeaks)

- [Therapist] Do you want to tell

me what you're thinking right now?

- I'm fighting the urge to lash out.

I know I push people away,

or rather, I test people,

press their blind spots.

- [Therapist] Why?

- (chuckles) 'Cause somebody would have to be

a fucking idiot to love me,

and I don't associate with fucking idiots.

And that's a lie because I associate

with a lot of idiots who I love,

and I want the best for them.

And that's not me.

- [Sanya] How do you do it, Freddy?

- [Freddy] Now, come on, Sanya,

you're starting to piss me off.

- [Sanya] Oh, you're not pissed off.

You're Freddy, good ol' Freddy,

walk between the raindrops, you know,

no sweat off your back, right?

- What is this, Sanya?

What did I do to incur one

of your famous outbursts, what is this?

- I want you to get mad.

I want you to yell.

- [Freddy] That's not me, Sanya.

- It is you, you ogre.

No one is as loud and as big as you,

and doesn't get mad.

And if it is, I wanna know how.

I wanna know how it is you can

schluff through life with your aw-shucks

shoulder shrugs and your gee-wizz way

about you while your wife bangs somebody else.

Family man in the making?

13 years, what family?

What kids?

What exactly is in the making, Freddy?

Dead-end job, unsatisfied wife,

and you're still the most laid back guy I know,

and I wanna know how.

How?

- I've got really great friends.

(exhales sharply) Ready to go back into the party?

- So you hurt people, as a warning.

- [Sanya] Hurt, that's your word, not mine.

- All right, you lash out,

your words, or can we say act out?

- Makes it sound kind of juvenile, act out.

- But isn't that what you're doing?

For my dead dad, two moms,

three moms with Nadine,

trying to get attention,

keep attention, be the center of attention.

I see exactly you're doing here.

If I can't be doing well,

at least, I can keep things interesting.

- I'm gonna get Doctory on you

and quote Carl Jung here.

"Everything that irritates us about others

"can lead us to understanding ourselves."

- [Sanya] "We meet ourselves time and time

"again in a thousand disguises."

I'm familiar.

You know, when I was younger,

I used to think that all the people

in my life where just cardboard cut-outs,

like extras in a movie.

It was as if none of their stories

were really happening unless they were

interacting with me directly.

Everyone was just scenery

to fill out the background of my life.

Delusions of grandeur, megalomania at its finest.

- [Therapist] As children we all believe

we are the center of the universe.

- [Sanya] And as adults, we only care

what the other cardboard cut-outs think.

I have an entirely general position on that.

The main difference now is I realize

I'm just another part of the scenery.

(moody jazz music)

(vocalizing)