Original subtitles

(slow gentle music) ♪ Ohhh ♪

(music skipping) ♪ Ohhh ♪

(music skipping) ♪ Ohhh ♪

(music skipping) ♪ Ohhh ♪

(music skipping) ♪ Ohhh ♪

(music skipping) ♪ Ohhh ♪

(vomiting)

(labored breathing)

(vomiting)

(labored breathing)

(running water)

(swishing water)

(spitting)

(deep breathing)

(knocking)

- I need a minute.

(low thumping)

- [Ryan] Morning.

- What are you doing?

- I made you some breakfast.

- What, what the fuck, no!

- [Ryan] Okay, I know you're in a rush,

but I don't want you leaving

without something in your stomach.

It's just-- - How many times have I said,

never bring food in the bathroom?

How many times have I said it, Ryan?

I've said it how many times, okay?

There are fuckin' shit particles

and piss molecules all up in here

and you want me to eat in here. You want me to eat in here--

- [Ryan] You brush your teeth in here!

- That is a cleaning agent,

not something I'm supposed to ingest into my body.

- [Ryan] Okay, get off of it, Sanya.

I will take it back to the kitchen.

Don't give me shit particles or whatever.

- You know what,

I have to look like a princess in a goddamn hour.

- [Ryan] Okay no, what you need

is you need to stop picking a fight with me

just because you're running late.

- Oh, oh and why am I running late?

Why am I running late,

because it took you seven hours to fuckin' get off.

- [Ryan] All right, where did that come from?

Who initiated sex with who this morning?

- In hopes to alleviate a little stress I had

about this gig.

Instead, I spent all morning with your dick in my mouth.

- [Ryan] Okay, well you know

he's less sensitive in the mornings.

As far as stress relief goes,

I'm pretty sure actually, that you came twice this morning.

- You know what,

I can't be talking about this kind of shit right now.

- [Ryan] You brought it up!

- I'm getting ready for our children's birthday party!

Do you have any level of understanding

of the level of focus it requires to be Elsa,

do you have any fuckin' clue?

No, of course you fuckin' don't,

you inconsiderate asshole.

I fuckin' hate you!

I fuckin' hate all this shit!

Get the food out of the fuckin' bathroom!

(door slams)

(plate clatters)

(whimpering) (crying)

- [Ryan] I don't deserve this.

(sniffing)

Do you realize you're yelling at me

for making you breakfast?

I'm being punished for

for the fact that you're running late.

(crying)

(rattles door)

Seriously, you locked the door?

- I'm getting ready.

- [Ryan] I've seen you naked every day

for the past three and a half years.

- I'm getting ready.

- [Ryan] Fine, I'm gonna ask this

once through the door then, but that's it.

What are you really mad about?

(crying)

- I can't do anything.

- [Ryan] I can't hear you through the door.

(crying)

- I need to get ready.

- [Ryan] And I need you to let me in

because what I'm gonna say next, I,

I can't say with a door between us.

(sniffs)

- Fine.

(sniffs)

(door thumps)

- [Ryan] Sanya, you can't keep treating me like this.

(crying)

I don't know if you know how you treat me, but,

- (crying) Ryan.

- [Ryan] You're just, you're never happy.

You're never satisfied.

I feel like I can't,

I can't do right by you.

- (sobbing) Please don't leave me.

- [Ryan] I don't want to leave you.

I don't want to leave you,

but you just keep attacking me and attacking me

until I defend myself and then you cry.

- I'm sorry and you know I'm sorry, you know I,

(sobbing)

- [Ryan] I know, I know.

Okay, I know, it's just

if you can't see that it's unhealthy

and that I have to be the one to say it.

I mean, can't you see it?

Do you feel healthy?

Does this feel healthy to you?

(sniffs)

- I have to go be a princess right now.

- [Sanya Voiceover] You disconnect.

You separate.

You find a space where the pain fits and you file it.

You see the solution.

You see it as clear as day.

You see yourself saying, I'm pregnant.

You see him stop, dumbfounded.

You see him pick you up into his arms

like you weight nothing at all.

Instead, you say nothing.

- [Ryan] If that's more important than this,

then you go and be a princess.

The job's more important, are you serious?

(engine humming)

(sniffing)

- What do you think you're doing?

- Oh, oh yeah, you know what?

I am so sorry that I am late.

I just need five minutes in your bathroom,

warm up my voice and I will

♪ sing to you ♪

I will sing so sweetly, I promise.

- You're late and you're not even ready?

- Well yeah, like I said,

I just need five minutes to warm up the instrument.

I've been 15 minutes behind schedule the entire day.

- You're an hour and 15 minutes late

and you come looking like this?

What if the kids see you?

Elsa does not wear sunglasses and wear jeans?

- Oh Jesus Christ, lady.

Elsa doesn't drive a Chrysler either, okay?

I don't come in fuckin' costume.

- [Samantha] Are you on drugs?

- What?

No, give me back my sunglasses.

- [Samantha] (laughs) Oh no, we're done here.

You arrive an hour and a half late--

- [Sanya] Hour and 15 minutes.

- An hour and a half late,

looking like a homeless person,

smelling of weed and who knows what else?

- Who the hell are you, lady?

I haven't done drugs in my entire goddamn life

so you know what?

Fuck you.

- Fuck you.

- Fuck you.

- Fuck you.

- Fuck you, give me back my fuckin' sunglasses.

- Fuck you.

- Fuck you and your ugly ass kids.

Give me back my sunglasses.

- Fuck you.

(gasps)

(grunting)

- [Sanya Voiceover] You smell

wasted latte and grass fertilizer.

- (grunting) Oh, no stop.

(grunting)

- [Sanya] You smell Ryan's scent on his breath.

You feel,

(humming traffic)

You run through the parking lot.

You hear the doctor say she's all right.

You hear the doctor say

that she only sustained minor bruising.

You hear the doctor say that the baby is fine too.

You don't hear anything after that.

(running footsteps)

(creaking floorboards)

- [Ryan] You sure you want to do this?

- I hit you.

I attacked you, I hit that woman.

I'm losing everything else.

(crying) I can't lose you too.

- Shh. (crying)

Shh.

(sniffs)

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay?

I'm not going anywhere.

(sniffs)

Oh, no water.

- (sniffs) High school.

I had an eating disorder.

Bulimia specifically.

(sniffs) My sister did too, but uh

years before.

- [Ryan] You never told me that.

- One of the few things that came of it

was that I could swallow just about anything and

vomit at will,

even now.

- [Ryan] I'm sorry you went through that.

- My favorite thing to eat then was blue icing.

It had lots of sugar, lots of calories.

It was smooth going down and smooth coming up.

I even liked the way my vomit looked.

- [Ryan] Okay Sanya, this is new territory for me

so I'm gonna need a little direction.

Hm, you tell me what you need.

Do you need to feel independent or

you need a little pampering?

- You know, it was aquatics class that did it.

All those girls with their slim legs and hips and ankles.

Oh, I always envy other women's ankles.

- [Ryan] Oh well, I happen to adore your ankles.

- I've always been itty bitty up top, fuller down below.

- Come here, itty bitty,

let's see if I can take care of ya.

(chuckles)

(groans)

Tell me,

what's this Olanzapine gonna be like?

- Well, for one thing, it gives me back, leg and arm pain

so you can keep doing that 'cause it feels really good.

- Good.

- It's gonna make me gain a little weight

or at least it did when I was on it about six years ago.

Headaches, stomach pain.

At times I won't be able to sit still,

but you know that's nothing new for me.

(chuckles)

But it will insure that I don't feel the need to

throw plates of food or strike my loved ones

and it will insure I don't see

little purple griffins flying around.

- Was that a problem before?

Were you seeing little purple griffins flying around?

- No, but if I were, this would make sure I would not.

Mm.

- Oh.

Oh, right there, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, mm.

- You hold so much tension

on your right side, right down here

and it travels all the way up.

- Ah yeah.

'Cause I'm at work on the left side of my brain.

(groans)

You know,

I feel like I'm gonna spend the rest of my life

apologizing to you.

Like some kind of fuck up.

- You're not a fuck up.

- I've been pumped up to believe I'm something special.

- That's because you are.

- Stop.

- Sanya.

You are so special.

- Ryan, I'm not.

(sighs)

- You put so much pressure on yourself.

- I know, of course.

Of course I do and that's why.

You know, I've been puffed up my whole life

being told I'm beautiful, I'm special, I'm unique,

I'm a genius.

Do you have any sort of idea the strain that instills in me?

This expectation of greatness and not by you

and not by my family,

but by me.

I'm trying to live up to this bar I set as a child

that I didn't even know I was making.

I've got rich white girl privilege

pumping through my veins and through my head

and I've been conditioned to believe I'm worth something,

but you know what, it's all meaningless.

And I

I have this need in me

to have a life that matters.

But it just doesn't.

I wanted to do something exemplary,

something amazing and I can't.

'Cause you know what?

I'm not good enough.

So I settled.

I settled for something impactful,

something meaningful

in my own small corner of the world

that brought joy to me

and others around me.

And even that, even that, I fuck up.

I fail and now I settle again.

- For what, what are you settling for?

- That's all life is, isn't it?

Just a bunch of little amendments,

little concessions,

until everyone's content and no one is fulfilled

and I didn't want a life like that.

I didn't want a life full of small concessions!

I want a big fat life, thirsty and voluptuous

off the very best of things!

- So what is it you're settling for?

- See and now you're mad at me.

- No, I'm not.

I'm mad at the situation.

- Don't give me that positive

mediator dialogue bullshit, Ryan!

- Well I see that the pills haven't taken into effect yet.

- You know, I am so sick of all this positivity

porn that society, jacks off to daily.

These little single serving inspirational quotes

on Facebook, once relegated to the offices

of middle manager where they belong.

Inspirational quotes are for

the middle management people of life,

those content with mediocrity

and all the P.C. glad handling and falsity!

Everybody is so afraid to offend everybody

and hurt everybody's feelings because

nobody wants to feel anything!

(crying) Speaking as somebody who's been molested,

who's been raped,

who's had an eating disorder,

who in fact, has psychological issues in spades.

I will take being triggered over this tepid, taupe

version of life that keeps the machine running smoothly.

I need all my colors, Ryan. (crying)

And I'm pleading with you.

(crying) I'm pleading with one last rant

before these pills put the primer on my hideous

hand-painted walls.

(sobbing)

You know,

it doesn't even matter anyway.

It's all settling.

All of it.

And I've been doing it my whole life.

(sobbing) My whole life.

- Sanya.

Sanya, why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?

- I'm not.

- The doctor said the day of the accident--

- I'm not.

- He seems to think that you are.

- Well he was wrong.

He was wrong.

Please, I need some water.

This shit's dried up my mouth.

(slow gentle music)

(music skipping) ♪ Ohhh ♪

(music skipping) ♪ Ohhh ♪

(music skipping) ♪ Ohhh ♪

(slow gentle music) ♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ To have a girl like her ♪

♪ Ohhh, it's truly a dream come true ♪

♪ To have a girl like her ♪

♪ Ohhh, it's truly a dream come true ♪