Original subtitles

(soft, soulful hip-hop music)

- Are you gonna play a healer?

Are you going to play a healer?

No, of course not, you Hanzo-main cunt.

♪ Whoa, cunt cunty cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunty cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪

(laughs)

Dude, I'm staring at the back

of this fuckface's head right now.

He's got a mic?

(laughs) He's got a mic.

Hey, Hanzo.

Yeah, Hanzo, you cunt.

No.

I'd like to.

No, I'd like to play.

Instead, I'm stuck with my dick in my hands

without a fucking Mercy.

Fucking piece of shit. (women chatter in background)

(laughs) What are you, five?

Are you fucking five?

You little baby, fucking squeaker piece of shit.

Oh my God.

You worry about yourself.

(sighs) Oh God.

Be the change, bro.

Alright, let's all just play fucking healers

and guard this fucking main piece of shit.

No, yeah, I know that.

(laughs) Did he just rage quit?

- [Nadine] Freddy!

- Oh my God, holy shit.

Yeah, well, that's the way the little baby cookie crumbles.

- [Nadine] He needs to make it,

because the guests are gonna get here in about a half hour.

- It's all good though.

Huh?

- [Sanya] Nadine wants you.

- Yeah, I'm just finishing this match.

Bro-bro.

Yeah, Singapore, my dude.

I gotta bounce. I'll see you at the house though.

- Oh, and tell Sing not to forgot Lemon Drop's basement wine

- Eh, I don't know.

Huh?

- Basement wine.

- And please don't let Lemon forget the basement wine.

Alright, peace.

- [Sanya] I told him.

- Okay, do you need to get a shower,

or change or anything? - Yeah, do you mind if I--

- [Freddy] Time make the juice!

- And then you can clean the bathroom

like you promised to do all day.

- [Freddy] Fred the Head clean bathroom now.

(Ryan groans)

- Alright, nope, nope, not the throw-up sound,

you know how I hate the throw-up sound.

- [Ryan] Baby, I can't help it.

- Okay, stop.

Stop!

- It's involuntary. - I'm serious, babe, stop.

- [Ryan] I...

Don't you think I am?

There's a lot of dead bugs, and spider webs, and--

- Okay, just wipe it, though,

just wipe it! - I am!

- Can you just wipe it?

- I am, it's just god-awful-- - Just wipe it!

- [Ryan] It's involuntary.

- Just wipe it. - [Ryan] Do you wanna do it?

- Okay babe, just clean the bugs.

- [Ryan] Baby,

there is like a colony of dead baby bugs,

and they've congealed into a black, like, like,

rust tar.

(breathing heavily) - Okay.

Here.

- [Ryan] It's involuntary, you know how deeply rooted

my fears about rust are.

- I do, I do.

Okay, here, here.

Why don't you use another wipe?

Don't try to do it all with just one, okay?

Here's another wipe.

There.

Ew.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, this is disgusting!

Ew, my God!

- [Ryan] Now you see.

- [Sanya] Shit, all those baby spiders, it's disgusting!

You didn't tell me that was up there!

- [Ryan] I need one of those blowtorch masks.

(sighs)

(women chatter)

- Bolo!

- [Freddy] Dah!

- [Singapore] Bolo!

- [Freddy] Dah!

(Nadine chuckles)

- [Lemon Drop] Nadine!

Hi!

(group talking all at once)

- Bolo!

- [Freddy] Dah!

- Fred, Sin's here!

- [Lemon Drop] Oh, hey, Fred.

- [Freddy] Bolo!

(Freddy and Singapore laughing)

- Singapore!

My dude!

Singapore, Singapore, this is Sanya.

- Oh, hey!

- Oh, hey!

Oh yeah, yeah, I've been getting texts all day

from Nadine and the Head saying that you're looking

for some custom leatherwork done.

- I absolutely am; I've been drawing this damn thing all day

and fuck it, my purse isn't here right now.

- Yeah, nah, get it later, I'll be here all night.

(laughs) Yeah.

My girl does stuff for cosplayers or whatever all the time.

- Really? - She did this.

- Oh my God, that's gorgeous.

- Oh, you know what?

You've gotta try my girl's basement wine.

- Let's do it! - Ya, let's do it. (laughs)

- [Singapore] Keep it over the sink, keep it over the sink.

- [Woman] Thank you.

- [Freddy] I appreciate that, dawg.

- [Singapore] Aw yeah.

Some for you,

some for me.

- [Freddy] Okay, but dawg.

- [Singapore] Sorry, bro.

- [Freddy] Thanks, dawg.

- [Singapore] Wow, that's good.

- Thanks dawg.

Yeah, like that. - Oh, it's good.

- Oh yeah, get some.

Get some.

Mm.

It will turn your insides purple.

Get it. - Cheers.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- I don't like that at all. Cheers, everybody.

(guests talk over each other)

Oh, nobody gets left out, nobody gets left out!

There it is.

- Woo!

Cheers!

(party guests cheer)

- [Sanya Voiceover] No, no, you're totally not.

I really enjoyed it.

- [Party Guest] No, it was good.

- Oh my God, you guys, look at this video I got.

Look at how cute he is!

Look at how cute!

(women talking over each other)

- Look at his ears!

- Isn't he adorable?

Oh my God, I love him.

Actually, Lemon, there's something like what I wanted

to show you, actually.

- Hey.

I'm gonna go, okay?

- Are you good to drive?

- [Redheaded Woman] I promise you.

I've been drinking water since then.

- [Lemon Drop] Alright.

Drive safely, I love you.

- [Redhead Woman] Love you too.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

- [Sanya] So nice to meet you too.

- Bye. Thank you. - Take care.

- [Sanya] So, yeah, it's kinda like this.

- [Lemon Drop] Oh, absolutely.

- [Woman] Hey, I'm sorry, we're actually gonna head out too.

- [Sanya] Oh, okay.

It was wonderful to meet you.

- [Woman] It was great to meet you.

- [Sanya] Thanks for coming.

(women talking over each other)

- Thanks for coming.

- Nice to meet you.

Take care! - Bye.

- So yeah, this is what--

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh my, I love this rhinoceros you drew!

Girl, that is gonna look bad-ass on you.

- You think so?

- Absolutely.

- (sighs) Oh great, and how much you think it might run me?

Because I'm kinda between jobs.

- Um, Nadine's sister?

Straight-up free?

- No, what?

No, no no no no. - Oh yeah, non-negotiable, no.

- Well, what about labor, materials?

- Oh, I'm even gonna ship it to your house for free.

- Come on, now that is way too nice.

- No, I mean, you know.

I heard about the breakup, and the business.

I know you've been having a rough year, so...

Not that Nadine has been putting your business

in the street, but that she definitely has not,

and I am definitely putting my foot in my mouth right now,

so, just use my generosity as a bribe

to forgive my awkwardness.

I'm so sorry. - Oh my gosh,

I'm already in love with you.

- Oh!

- You're so sweet.

- [Lemon Drop] Oh, you too.

- [Freddy] Bolo.

- Dah.

Shots.

Favorite movie.

- Just one?

- [Lemon Drop] Top three.

- Frozen, Antichrist, and Neon Genesis Evangelion:

the End of Evangelion.

- You have those on rapid fire!

Full titles and everything.

- Hey, that's what they named it.

- Man, you're fucking weird.

(Lemon Drop laughs)

- Yeah.

- [Singapore] You really nailed both ends

of the spectrum there.

(chuckles)

- [Freddy] Sanya.

Take a shot.

- No, you know what?

I'm good, 'cause I still have some of this basement wine.

- [Singapore] What?

No, girl.

We're drinking for realsies.

- This basement wine's really strong, though.

- [Freddy] Lemon, is this a PSA?

- I do not think it is.

- Sanya, is this a PSA?

- [Sanya] Listen, I just--

- Singapore, is this a PSA?

- Fuck no, it ain't.

- [Freddy] Sanya.

Take a shot.

Wifey'll make a guest room for you.

(sighs) Wifey!

Sanya trying to leave.

- [Nadine] Is this a PSA?

(Freddy sighs)

- [Freddy] Take a shot.

- What the fuck?

- [Freddy] Wifey.

- You're gonna tell my fucking sister?

- [Freddy] Come take a shot.

- [Nadine] Nay-nay, come on.

- [Singapore] Take the shot, girl!

- Obviously, I've gotta take this shot.

(glasses clink)

♪ Mario Kart ♪

- Oh shit.

(groans) I'm gonna leave y'all to it.

Nadine got the 64 working.

Bolo!

- I want in on that! - Yeah, me too!

(buttons clacking)

- You are out, son!

- Sanya, you in?

- Yeah yeah, I'm not playing fucking Toad

in battle mode, though.

(buttons clacking)

(Sanya breathes deeply)

- I love it when you smile like that.

You've always been so

pretty, Sani.

I have to admit,

kinda glad you're back.

I really missed you.

So far away.

I know

this isn't where you wanna be right now,

but I'm really glad to have this time with you.

We should have packed you some sleep stuff.

I brought a shirt of Freddy's.

You'll be swimming in it, but I think it's really comfy.

Get some sleep.

I'm making breakfast in the morning.

(Sanya sighs)

(sniffles)

(breathes deeply)

- [Sanya Voiceover] Okay! Guess what?

Guess what? Guess what?

Guess what?

The house is clean!

- The house is clean? - We fucking rock it!

- Yeah we did!

- High five!

- High five.

Turkey!

- Don't fucking turkey me, you know I fucking hate that!

Every time I tell you, I've told you a million times!

- (laughs) I see a palm, and I turkey it.

- You know, but it's not funny though.

It's really selfish, is what it is, it's selfish.

It just takes away my satisfaction,

our mutual satisfaction of a high five,

so you can have some cheap-ass thrill,

and I really don't think it's too much for me to ask

of my relationship that I get a high five!

- And I turkey it.

- Well don't turkey me though!

- Okay, well it's not an overnight fix,

but I can promise that I'll try.

- Okay, I'm gonna need a real solemn oath.

- I swear.

Just because I am a turkey--

- You can only use your powers for good.

- I can only use my powers for good.

- Okay, so, high five, seriously.

- What? No, now I feel like you're gonna do it to me,

like out of spite.

- Relationships are built on trust, Ryan!

- Okay, well I'm not gonna turkey you.

- Well then don't do it then.

Don't do it, don't do it. - I'm not. I'm not.

- Don't do it. Don't do it. - I'm not. I'm not.

(talking over each other)

- See, I knew you could do it, I knew you had it in you,

because you really brought a breach of trust

in this relationship when you started

all your turkeying bullshit!

- I'm sorry.

It's just

I see a palm,

and I turkey it.

Can you forgive me? - Nope.

Nope, nope, nope nope nope. - Forgive me.

- It's gonna take time, I'm not ready.

- Forgive me! - I'm not ready.

- You're right, we need to be able to do this for real.

- I know!

You don't think I know?

I mean, what if something important goes down?

- Well, we hug.

- No, I mean, what if Pristine Princess Parties

really takes off?

- Well, it already has.

- No, I mean really takes off,

like quit-our-day-jobs takes off,

I wouldn't be able to give you a real high five.

- Okay, well Sanya, maybe it's time we transitioned

as a couple, you know, to the hug.

Or the small kiss.

- Are we really a small-kiss couple?

- I don't know, I see couples doing it a lot.

- I don't wanna be that couple, I don't wanna do it.

- (laughs) Okay, well we can't stay the high-five couple

forever. - Why not?

- I mean, sure, you dominated a bunch of guys

on Call of Duty, so we will of course still high five,

but when I can make that gumball ring,

you know, a real ring, right?

And we get married,

what, are we gonna high five?

Hm?

We gonna go up on that altar, say our vows, and high five?

When you tell me you're pregnant, are we gonna high five?

- Well, if I've got an inhospitable womb,

or whatever, and you've got a low sperm count,

and we somehow still get pregnant,

then I think a high five might be in order, alright?

But I'm not doing the small-kiss-on-the-lips things,

I don't wanna do that, I don't wanna do it,

I don't like it, I don't wanna.

- Okay, I'm really not asking you to.

- Okay, because this is important.

- And I completely agree.

- What if I were pregnant?

- What, like now?

- Yeah, like now.

- Well, I don't know, Sanya, I've never had

to deal with that before.

- Okay, well I'm asking you to deal with it.

- Like, now?

- Yes, right now.

- Because you're curious about my response--

- Ryan.

- Like, hypothetically? - What if I were pregnant?

- Like, now? - Yes.

What if I'm pregnant?

- Are you?

- I could be.

I could be pregnant.

- No, you tell me if you're pregnant.

Sanya, are you pregnant?

Are we pregnant?

Are we...

Can I say we? I realize I'm not the one passing a pumpkin

through my vagina, I realize that, of course,

but I'm a we, I'm in a we, we're a we!

We, are we a we?

With a, with a, I'm just gonna keep saying,

I'm just gonna keep saying we. - No.

- No?

- No.

I'm not pregnant, Ryan.

- Not pregnant. - Not pregnant.

- Okay, 'cause, you know, if you were,

I mean, if we were-- - I know.

I know, you're in it.

I heard.

- I am, I am, I am in it.

I mean, I'm scared shitless, but I'm in it.

- I'm not pregnant, Ryan.

- Okay.

Okay.

- But,

that feeling that you're experiencing right now,

it's the same feeling you give me

every time you turkey me when I go in for a high five.

(chuckles)

- You fucking bitch. - I got you so good!

I got you so good! - You got me? I got you!

I'm gonna get you.

- No, you're not gonna get me.

Oh, stop it, don't pinch!

Don't pinch!

No no no no, let me go! (Ryan laughs)

Stop, ow!

The neighbors are gonna think you're murdering me.

- Maybe I am. - Oh God!

- [Ryan] Maybe I am-- murder-suicide.

It's over, it's all over. - Oh no.

- [Ryan] You can't do that to me.

You can't. - Why not?

- You can't do that to me. - Why not, why not, why not?

- You can't do that to me. - Why not? Why not? Why not?

Why not?

- God, I hate you sometimes.

- No, you don't.

(Sanya sobs)

- [Ryan] No, I don't.

- [Sanya Voiceover] You don't tell him

about missing your period.

You don't tell him about your recent vomiting.

You know all he's ever wanted was to be a father

and you can't bring yourself to tell him.

You are a princess.

You are a businesswoman.

You are a sister and a daughter.

You are a geek.

You are a game designer, you are a nerd.

Not just a nerd, you are a math genius and a scholar.

You are a goddamn goddess.

You are a girlfriend.

You are a fucking schizo.

You are neurotic.

You are a nymphomaniac.

You are wasting your life, and wasting your time,

and everyone's time.

You are meaningless.

You are a useless piece of shit.

You are not a mother.

You stand before the storm.

You shouldn't be wasting your time.

You should be designing your board game.

You should be working out and running marathons.

You should be making kale-and-blueberry smoothies.

You should be married with your own business, and babies.

You have nothing to wear.

You need a tight, purple, leather jacket

with a Western black rhinoceros on the back.

- [Freddy] We'll be starting you at $12.50 an hour,

Monday through Friday.

One-hour lunch, standard nine to five

except it's really eight to five with the hour lunch,

which you could theoretically take whenever,

so long as someone else is on the floor.

One week paid vacation year one, two after two,

three after five.

Or maybe three after 10?

We can find out.

Oh yeah.

Full benefits, paid for by us, starting after three months.

Covers all the big ones: medical, dental, vision,

you need a therapist, whatevs.

There are therapists who take our insurance.

I feel like I'm sounding very parental,

very patronizing or something.

I'm sorry.

- It's fine.

- Alright.

That covers most of it.

So, you can't be late,

we fucking hate tardiness.

There's no excuse for it.

Oh.

You get two personal days, or 2.5 personal and/or sick days

every six months, or something; I'll ask Cindy.

(keyboard clacking)

- So, I what, I bag and ship keys, right?

- Yeah.

You pick the key that the sheet allocates.

If it's not already in a bag, which it usually is,

you put it in a bag, you box it up, you ship it out.

- [Sanya] Is that what you do?

- If they're busy enough to need me, yeah,

but usually I'm on the phone with companies

that are purchasing from us.

- Hm.

So, are you number two around here?

- It's Mr. Enderman's sandbox,

but I've got some clout, yeah.

- [Sanya] You seem to do alright for yourself.

- Listen, I did not see myself providing rental cars

with keys for a living, you know?

- [Sanya] Do you still do your game design and stuff too?

- Sometimes people confuse dreams, or dream jobs,

with passing fads.

You start doing a thing and you realize it's just a job too.

What are the chances I'd be working with Blizzard right now,

or developing the next Final Fantasy for Square Enix?

I envy your passion, I really do, I always have,

but it takes a lifetime of dedication to one thing

to live out a dream.

That would have had to have been my only passion

for me to have a real shot at it,

and I'm not living my life thinking what if.

I'm not thinking that way because, if I'm being honest

with myself, it just wasn't that damn important.

I've got a house, I've got Nadine, I've got food

and video games, and good friends,

beer;

(chuckles) about 85% of the time, I'm pretty happy.

- I wasn't trying to insult your life or anything.

- No no no, I know you weren't.

I know you weren't, and I didn't take it that way,

but (sighs) you gotta remember, Sanya,

you've been off in your own world with Ryan for a long time.

You tried your thing and it didn't pan out

and it fucking sucks, but...

I know I look young.

I've got the baby cheeks, and my hair's

not completely gray yet, but I'm a bit older than you.

I've tried things, I've failed, I've had my fuck-ups.

I've lived so many lives over the last 10 years.

I had long hair.

I joined a band!

(chuckles)

I've done things, I'm saying,

and here I am, this is what stuck.

Family man in the making.

- That's really great, Freddy.

- The greatest curse in life is high expectations.

Did I just come up with that or did someone famous say that?

- [Sanya] I don't know.

It sounds like something someone famous would say.

- Right?

We should look it up on the Goog later.

In the meantime, I'm gonna put my name on it.

The greatest curse in life is high expectations.

Fred the Head, 2019; coined.

- Witnessed.

- [Freddy] Notarized.

- It's a good job, Fred, thank you. (chuckles)

- Don't mention it.

The princesses thing, I know it was your passion,

and it made you really happy,

and it's kinda shitty to say, because you put so much

of yourself into it, it's like past relationships,

but I think it's healthy to get to a place

where you could say fuck it, and go onto the next thing.

Like the game-design stuff!

I think it's great, I'm behind 100%.

I'll get you in touch with graphics guys

and plastics molders, and we'll make mock-ups.

We'll put it on Indiegogo, or GoFundMe,

or one of the other crowdfunding guys.

We'll get the idea out there.

Okay?

- [Sanya] Okay.

- Sanya okay?

- (chuckles) Sanya okay.

- [Freddy] We're starting you off on the key machine.

It's pretty self-explanatory.

You take a key, you drop it in the bag,

and then you either push a button

or step on the pedal, bag seals.

Alright?

10 to a ream, drops in the box.

You're not gonna be answering phones,

so if you wanna just listen to headphones, you can.

- [Sanya] Cool.

- [Freddy] So, are you good?

You need anything?

- [Sanya] No, no, good.

- [Freddy] Okay.

Alright.

Holler if you do.

♪ Rip me limb from limb ♪

♪ And be sure that it hurts ♪

♪ If that's what you really want ♪

("Fragile" by ZXNA)

♪ Spit your venom, do your worst ♪

♪ Put your lance down my shirt ♪

♪ If that's what you really want ♪

(Sanya squealing)

♪ I thought I knew the same as you ♪

♪ Like we were playing the same game ♪

♪ That you'd never forget my name, but ♪

♪ You know exactly what you put me through ♪

♪ And how you left me all alone to feel ashamed ♪

♪ I just really thought I'd feel your lips again ♪

♪ Love has hated me from the start ♪

♪ I can only get what I want for too long ♪

♪ There is nothing beautiful about a broken heart ♪

♪ I'm still alive but I am not very strong ♪

♪ I'm still alive but I am not very strong ♪

♪ Do you remember ♪

♪ When you were crying at my feet ♪

♪ You didn't say the right things ♪

♪ But it still made me feel complete ♪

♪ Desperation ♪

♪ Betrays my pride ♪

♪ No matter how bad that I'm hurting ♪

♪ You refuse to try ♪

♪ To try to love what you loved yesterday ♪

♪ Love has hated me from the start ♪

♪ I can only get what I want for too long ♪

♪ There is nothing beautiful about a broken heart ♪

♪ I'm still alive but I am not very strong ♪

♪ Love has hated me from the start ♪

♪ I can only get what I want for too long ♪

♪ There is nothing beautiful about a broken heart ♪

♪ I'm still alive but I am not very strong ♪

♪ I'm still alive but I am not very strong ♪

♪ I know someday that I will love another ♪

♪ But for now, it just hurts so bad, I can't recover ♪

♪ And you keep playing games with me ♪

♪ But you know too well that I am fragile ♪

♪ I know someday that I will love another ♪

♪ But for now, it just hurts so bad, I can't recover ♪

♪ And you keep playing games with me ♪

♪ But you know too well that I am fragile ♪