Original subtitles

♪

What was that?

That wasn't you?

No, I don't growl, asshole.

Go check it out. It came from over there.

( grunting )

Hey, whatever happened to women's lib?

Keep walking while you're squawking.

Babe, there's nothing here.

Keep looking, Captain Chivalry.

Nothing here.

Whoo. Shake that moneymaker.

Oh, you like that, huh?

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

- Yeah, we're fine. - ( growling )

Oh, my gosh!

What?!

Keep running!

- Man: And that's when you both ran off? - Yup.

You say you got a good look at our perp?

Well, I mean, Heather did.

I was-- I was basically, like--

I mean, sort of...

Well, Joe was too busy shoving me out the way,

so neither of got a good glance at him.

I was too busy... leading the way out of danger

so that you were not hurt.

Yeah, I'm sure you did hotshot.

I'm gonna make out a report.

Here, take my card.

If you hear or see anything, call us right away.

And in the mean time, put some damn clothes on.

Well, Officer, this is a nudist colony.

That's right, detective, maybe you should take off your clothes.

Not in this lifetime, sister.

The human body is sacred and very dirty.

It's a temple for sinners. Unless, of course, you're married.

Whatever you say, boss.

Oh, damn it!

I left my phone down in the woods.

Well, Lucy, it looks like it's just you and me again.

I guess so.

♪

I came to bring my wonderful husband lunch.

How was your day?

Well, it was going good until I got called out

to the Circle Double D's Nudist Colony.

A creature of some sort came out of the woods and attacked a young couple.

This is really baffling.

Was this some sort of yeti?

And if so, why was it attacking people?

Are there really nude people up there?

As far as the eyes could see, my love.

Oh, my.

I mean, oh.

It's against my better judgment, but pack your bags.

We're gonna go up there and find out firsthand if this thing exists.

We're going to the Double D?

Yes, but we won't take off our clothes.

But, honey, it's a nudist colony.

Well, all right, Mary, but we can't enjoy it, understand?

I promise.

♪

- Thanks. - Thanks.

Ahem. Earth to Mary.

Oh, sorry.

Where were we?

You were just undressing that guy with your eyes.

Well, not necessary.

Wow.

Everyone's really friendly here.

It's kinda hard to be a jerk when you're half naked.

Yeah, actually, we should take our clothes off.

Oh, I don't know, Mary.

It just doesn't seem...

Hi. Welcome to the Circle Double D Nudist Colony.

May I help you with your belongings? You won't be needing them.

Yes. Thank you.

- You're welcome. - Okay.

- I live to serve. - I'll remember that.

Hey, you're blocking my view.

Let's go.

♪

Hey! Open up!

I can see you in there.

Then who's talking?

Come on, let's just go. We'll check in later.

That girl's jaw's gonna be sore for a week.

Oh, darling.

I was scoping out that path leading to the woods,

I think I'm gonna follow it and see where it goes.

Oh, um, yeah, I'll try one. Thanks.

Try one?

What are you talking about?

Um, well, if I get cold, I'll just put a coat on.

I think the sun is getting to you.

You're not making any sense, Mary.

Okay. Ice tea will be fine.

Now, where were we?

Well, I was telling you about the time

that I saw the monster.

Right.

But I think she was talking about Mike the maintenance guy.

Ooh. I've got my own monster story.

Mike was way deep in my unit.

- In your unit, you say? - Really?

Way, way deep if you must know.

Both: Mm.

Well, if it's the guy I saw in the office today,

then he's definitely the right guy for the job.

I'll see about that.

I'm hot.

Yes, you are.

♪

Hey, gorgeous.

Hi.

- Hi, Mike. - Hi.

Should've taken that dip with us.

Oh, I would have, but I couldn't leave the bar.

Besides, looks like you girls got on just fine without me.

- All right, babe, we'll see you later. - Bye.

- Hi. - Are you thirsty?

That's somebody else's drink.

Yeah, yeah, but I poured it.

And it's really more hungry than thirsty.

I haven't eaten breakfast since 6:30 this morning.

And breakfast really wasn't that big when you think about it.

I mean, I'm a growing boy.

French toast, a little crème fraîche,

and some pastries, of course, and then you got a little fruit platter.

Coffee was good, but it really wasn't a latte of any kind.

It was just a small black coffee.

And then, you know, the tater tots were nice.

And eggs, but not scrambled.

- A little bit of cheese-- - Don't you ever shut up?

I'm totally coming on to you here.

♪

( grunts )

Good God.

Oh, help me, please.

We gotta get you outta here.

- No, no. Let's go. - Oh!

( grunting )

♪

( screaming )

Monster...

monster.

- ( grunting ) - ( screaming )

Put me down! No!

You'll never get away with this.

What are you doing, you freak?

Are you trying to make me dance?

Why didn't you just say that, you big oaf.

♪

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, it's completely my fault.

I'm such a klutz.

You are not a klutz.

If anything, you're an amazingly beautiful woman.

That is what you are.

I am?

Yes, you are.

In fact...

if you'll follow me to boudoir, I'd be happy to show you

just how amazingly beautiful you are.

I don't know if that's such a good idea.

I mean...

okay.

Behold...

absolute beauty.

Real charmer.

♪

Thank God.

Wow.

I forget how beautiful it is up here.

You know it, Bon?

You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but it is a pretty cool place.

Yeah.

My parents used to take me up here while I was at State.

I used to hate it back then

because it meant I had to be away from Danny Jackson for five weeks.

Ooh, I screwed Danny Jack--

I mean, who?

You know, he was president of his fraternity.

He sat next to you in sociology.

Sorry, not ringing a bell.

Yeah, right.

Okay, well, what can I say?

You were gone for the summer

and we were at a party and,

as they say, the rest is history.

I can't believe you did that.

What?! It was, like, a hundred years ago, so who cares?

Anyways, what about Bobby Lockhart?

- Who? - Oh, don't play dumb with me.

He practically thanked you for giving him a blow job

while he accepted his bachelor's degree.

Yeah, that was awkward.

Well, let's face it, we both made mistakes.

I agree. We're both a couple of sluts.

Yeah. This place makes me feel so free.

♪

Ooh, Crystal, you have a great body.

Now it's my turn.

You like that?

- ( roars ) - Oh, my God! What was that?!

I think I just saw something. Let's get the hell outta here.

Where am I?

You're at Double D. You're safe now.

You saved me?

Yeah. Anyway, we need to get going, okay?

- Where's Tina? - Who?

My friend. I came with my friend Tina. Where is she?

I don't know. You were the only person here when I got here.

So I mean...

- Oh, my God. The monster. - What monster?

Nothing. We need to get out of here right now.

Come on.

♪

How you feeling?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you.

You didn't see me, Miss Dana?

Uh, no.

Really?

Well...

I think maybe you did.

I didn't see anything.

I think we're in the clear... for now.

- Are we? - Yeah.

Why don't you lean a little closer?

♪

Now this is a monster

I've been looking for.

Hands where I can see them.

But, Officer, we don't have any weapons.

That's what you think.

You know, you people could get into a lot of trouble

treating this place like Hedonism II.

But who really gets hurt, Officer?

That's not the point.

Local lore says that an old Indian medicine man

put a curse to the family who owns this ranch.

Since that day, Jonah Trout,

the last rightful heir to the nudist colony has been missing

and presumed dead.

- No. - Now I'm beginning to wonder.

- You don't think... - I don't know what to think anymore, lady.

Just don't know.

♪

Very nice, ladies.

Boo!

( gasps, screaming )

Please, let me go.

Are you all right?

I think so.

He grabbed me by the pool. What does he want?

He wants us to do a pole dance for him.

Keep dreaming, buddy.

You're forgetting we are tied up to a pole here.

Well, I don't see any dollar bills anywhere.

Dollar bills? I was looking for 20s.

When get right down to it, though, it's actually kind of fun.

- Really? - Yeah, watch.

♪

Such beautiful scenery you have here.

Yes, Circle Double D is known for its mountainous beauty.

I'll say.

Oh, look. People humping.

You know who saw us, right?

My husband.

( sighs )

- Are you okay? - Not really.

That's my wife in there with "Ron Jeremy Jr."

Oh, he's no junior.

Tell me about it.

I'm sorry.

I really have nothing to say on this.

It's okay.

There's nothing really to say.

I'm sure you have nothing to be ashamed of.

If you'd finally take off your clothes.

You know, this is a nudist colony for heaven sakes.

Okay, fine. I'll take off my clothes.

Okay, good.

♪

Okay, happy now?

Oh, yeah.

You should've done that a long time ago.

( roars )

- What was that? - I don't know.

Let's go check it out.

( roars )

( roars )

What was that?

- ( roars ) - What was that?

I don't know.

( roars )

( roaring )

- Stay back! - No, come untie us!

What's goin' on here?

I don't know. All I know is every time I hear music,

and chicks do pole dances for me,

I feel very... human.

Oh, really? What's your name?

Jonah Trout.

Not from the Trout family?

Yeah, that's right.

I heard you were dead.

Well, it's been so long since I got laid,

I may as well be.

Sounds to me as if that curse as been lifted.

You know, I think you're right.

Hey, if you wanna get laid, everybody, just dance.

- ♪ - ( cheering )

I wonder if we can get hazard pay out of this.

Are we supposed to go up there?

I'll stay.

Can you do the hair thing again?

That's right, detective, maybe you should take off your clothes.

This is a monster

I've been looking for.

When you get right down to it, though, it's actually kind of fun.

Shut up. I'm totally coming on to you here.

Okay, happy now?

I'll stay.

I feel very... human.

You didn't see me, Miss Dana?

Hands where I can see them.

♪