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1
00:00:30,844 --> 00:00:33,843
"So, erm, Billy..."
Yeah, good, keep it casual.
2
00:00:33,844 --> 00:00:36,923
"Erm, I was wondering,
could I, erm..." No, no, no.
3
00:00:36,924 --> 00:00:38,443
"Can I." Yes.
4
00:00:38,444 --> 00:00:42,083
"Erm, can I have a word about
the incident in the bathroom last night?"
5
00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:43,763
No, no, not "incident".
6
00:00:43,764 --> 00:00:47,283
It's not a crime scene, erm,
more of an awkward misunderstanding. Yes, good.
7
00:00:47,284 --> 00:00:52,443
"Which could have
come across as a, erm, a thingy.
8
00:00:52,444 --> 00:00:55,683
"But it wasn't a thingy.
But it could have looked like one.
9
00:00:55,684 --> 00:00:58,483
"Erm, but it wasn't. OK?"
10
00:00:58,484 --> 00:01:01,323
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
11
00:01:01,324 --> 00:01:03,723
Oh! Oh, bloody blimey!
12
00:01:03,724 --> 00:01:05,164
Oh!
13
00:01:10,284 --> 00:01:12,003
Oh my God! Sorry!
14
00:01:12,004 --> 00:01:13,804
Oh! Oh no! Oh! Did you see anything?
15
00:01:13,805 --> 00:01:15,003
No!
16
00:01:15,004 --> 00:01:16,963
Sure? Yes.
17
00:01:16,964 --> 00:01:19,923
Not that I'm Pamela Anderson.
I know! What?
18
00:01:19,924 --> 00:01:22,683
Sorry, I didn't mean
because I'd seen your...
19
00:01:22,684 --> 00:01:26,803
What I'm meaning is, clothes
do seem anatomically correct,
20
00:01:26,804 --> 00:01:29,243
you know, in proportion to your...
21
00:01:29,244 --> 00:01:32,364
Thanks, I think. Right, I'm decent.
22
00:01:33,684 --> 00:01:36,043
Oh, hair! It's nice.
23
00:01:36,044 --> 00:01:37,284
Thank you.
24
00:01:40,244 --> 00:01:44,043
Anyway, Billy, yes, erm,
I'm glad you're back.
25
00:01:44,044 --> 00:01:49,443
Not for any weird reason or...
Look, can I have a word about...?
26
00:01:49,444 --> 00:01:52,803
It's fine, don't worry about it.
Well, you don't know what I was going to say yet.
27
00:01:52,804 --> 00:01:55,603
You were going to apologise
for pushing me into the bathroom
28
00:01:55,604 --> 00:02:00,403
when I was half naked last night.
Forget it. It's no big deal.
29
00:02:00,404 --> 00:02:03,724
I would say it happens all the time,
but it doesn't.
30
00:02:07,604 --> 00:02:09,324
Ah, you're back, mate. Just in time.
31
00:02:09,325 --> 00:02:12,123
Right, Mum, me and Billy are going
to the twins' parents' evening.
32
00:02:12,124 --> 00:02:14,843
We are? There's going to be
a lot of fit older women there,
33
00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:18,124
MILFs, my friend, and you know
what they're gagging for, don't you?
34
00:02:21,084 --> 00:02:22,443
All of this!
35
00:02:22,444 --> 00:02:26,323
I'm sure an undisturbed night's
sleep and full-time child-care would be preferable.
36
00:02:26,324 --> 00:02:29,323
I bet I snog a MILF before you do.
37
00:02:29,324 --> 00:02:31,044
In fact, let's make it interesting.
38
00:02:31,045 --> 00:02:35,443
First person to snog a MILF wins,
loser gets the drinks in.
39
00:02:35,444 --> 00:02:38,963
Hang on, mate. Mum,
did you make these cupcakes?
40
00:02:38,964 --> 00:02:40,564
Yeah.
41
00:02:41,604 --> 00:02:45,443
Right, well if you two are coming,
then you'd better get a wiggle on.
42
00:02:45,444 --> 00:02:48,603
Jason and Inca have got the girls
and I'm meeting them there in half an hour.
43
00:02:48,604 --> 00:02:54,163
Prepare to be paying for the beers,
my friend, because you're looking at an older woman's dream come true.
44
00:02:54,164 --> 00:02:57,643
Well, it's true! Believe it.
Women find me uncomfortably sexy.
45
00:02:57,644 --> 00:03:00,163
Yeah, I'm not sure that's a good
thing. Oh, it is, Mum. It is.
46
00:03:00,164 --> 00:03:02,923
You're going to have someone's
eye out with those, mate.
47
00:03:02,924 --> 00:03:05,443
I've got overly prominent nipples,
as you well know.
48
00:03:05,444 --> 00:03:07,324
I'm not ashamed!
49
00:03:09,244 --> 00:03:10,444
Talking to me?
50
00:03:14,364 --> 00:03:15,843
You talking to me?
51
00:03:15,844 --> 00:03:18,763
Ain't nobody else here.
Talking to me?
52
00:03:18,764 --> 00:03:20,363
Who are you talking to, Jason?
53
00:03:20,364 --> 00:03:22,803
No-one. Come on, love,
we're going to be late.
54
00:03:22,804 --> 00:03:25,764
Gemma's going to kill me if we don't
get the girls there on time.
55
00:03:32,044 --> 00:03:33,203
Wow!
56
00:03:33,204 --> 00:03:38,003
Erm, is that an appropriate
look for a school function?
57
00:03:38,004 --> 00:03:42,083
Jason, I will not restrict
my natural Nordic style.
58
00:03:42,084 --> 00:03:49,723
Express it, not suppress it. You will
want to be losing the dated blouson back-pleated leather bomber jacket.
59
00:03:49,724 --> 00:03:51,484
You are looking
like Jeffrey Clarkson.
60
00:03:51,485 --> 00:03:54,843
There's nothing wrong with that.
And it's JEREMY Clarkson.
61
00:03:54,844 --> 00:03:57,963
No, I love this jacket. I'm just
trying to express my idea of...
62
00:03:57,964 --> 00:04:00,803
Enough,
so I'm blocking my ears to you.
63
00:04:00,804 --> 00:04:02,803
Charlotte! Yes, we go.
64
00:04:02,804 --> 00:04:05,524
Your dad is going to birth mice
if we're late.
65
00:04:13,444 --> 00:04:15,244
Let the games begin, my friend.
66
00:04:18,684 --> 00:04:20,204
See you inside.
67
00:04:21,564 --> 00:04:24,123
Can I assist you,
fair maiden, with those?
68
00:04:24,124 --> 00:04:27,124
Hmm, thank you. Yes, and you'll need
to make four more trips to the car.
69
00:04:28,164 --> 00:04:32,603
Oh God! Mine looks like road kill,
doesn't it?
70
00:04:32,604 --> 00:04:33,883
No!
71
00:04:33,884 --> 00:04:35,003
Yeah.
72
00:04:35,004 --> 00:04:36,804
Knew it.
73
00:04:38,204 --> 00:04:39,444
Have you seen Flynn?
74
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:43,403
He's run off in his Grim Reaper
costume waving a pork chop around.
75
00:04:43,404 --> 00:04:45,403
Ooh, hello!
76
00:04:45,404 --> 00:04:47,083
Hello.
77
00:04:47,084 --> 00:04:50,043
Fran, Billy, Alfie's friend.
Billy, Fran.
78
00:04:50,044 --> 00:04:53,483
Nice to meet you. Haven't you got
good eyes and a good face and...
79
00:04:53,484 --> 00:04:54,803
And thank you, Fran.
80
00:04:54,804 --> 00:04:56,444
And I'll take these in for you.
81
00:04:59,764 --> 00:05:01,683
Hmm. Have you snogged him?
82
00:05:01,684 --> 00:05:02,923
What?!
83
00:05:02,924 --> 00:05:04,643
No, of course not!
84
00:05:04,644 --> 00:05:06,523
I mean, no.
85
00:05:06,524 --> 00:05:07,804
What would Alfie think?
86
00:05:07,805 --> 00:05:09,883
I'm sure he'd be pleased
for his mum. Really?
87
00:05:09,884 --> 00:05:11,244
Yeah, Tom's gorgeous.
88
00:05:13,844 --> 00:05:17,243
Oh, Tom! Yes, no, Tom. Yes, good.
89
00:05:17,244 --> 00:05:20,803
Oh my God, you did more
than snog Tom, didn't you?
90
00:05:20,804 --> 00:05:23,723
You have the sex glow. No, I don't.
91
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:26,363
Well, either that, or you've
got cystitis again. Neither.
92
00:05:26,364 --> 00:05:28,483
Oh, you've got that naughty
twinkle in your eye.
93
00:05:28,484 --> 00:05:32,003
Oh, it's probably a stye.
Oh, please say you at least snogged Tom.
94
00:05:32,004 --> 00:05:34,523
Oh, fine. He kissed me in the ear.
95
00:05:34,524 --> 00:05:37,764
Interesting! Did he use his tongue?
96
00:05:41,484 --> 00:05:44,723
Oh, now that's the sort of guy
who could blink and make you orga...
97
00:05:44,724 --> 00:05:46,483
Excuse me... Organism.
98
00:05:46,484 --> 00:05:49,083
Your son Flynn has been observed
drinking from a toilet bowl.
99
00:05:49,084 --> 00:05:50,683
Well, did he flush first?
100
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,403
Erm, yeah.
101
00:05:52,404 --> 00:05:53,964
Well, that's fine then.
102
00:05:54,964 --> 00:05:57,244
OK, OK, I'll go and get my son.
103
00:06:02,564 --> 00:06:05,284
It's meant to look like that.
104
00:06:07,104 --> 00:06:13,178
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
105
00:06:18,204 --> 00:06:20,123
Move it, you numpty!
106
00:06:20,124 --> 00:06:23,564
Close your ears, girls, your daddy
is being head crazy again.
107
00:06:27,244 --> 00:06:32,163
Jason, a balanced diet rich in
Omega 3 fish oil reduces stress and hostility.
108
00:06:32,164 --> 00:06:33,842
Or are you wanting a heart explosion?
109
00:06:33,843 --> 00:06:35,204
I'm not eating fish juice.
110
00:06:35,205 --> 00:06:38,404
What are you thinking the virility
tonic I'm making you drink is?
111
00:06:41,364 --> 00:06:42,444
Ugh.
112
00:06:45,724 --> 00:06:47,763
Hiya.
113
00:06:47,764 --> 00:06:51,243
Oh no, the Nigellas!
That's the last thing I need.
114
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:54,363
They look OK to me. Oh, don't be
fooled by their Yummy Mummy exterior.
115
00:06:54,364 --> 00:06:58,483
They're actually a bunch
of judgemental cashmere pashmina-wearing monsters.
116
00:06:58,484 --> 00:06:59,603
Oh.
117
00:06:59,604 --> 00:07:02,643
They're going to love this.
Come on, I'll hold your hand.
118
00:07:02,644 --> 00:07:05,323
I don't need you to hold my hand.
I'm not a...
119
00:07:05,324 --> 00:07:08,163
I didn't mean...
I thought you came here to pull MUFFS with Alfie?
120
00:07:08,164 --> 00:07:10,244
I think you mean MILFS.
121
00:07:11,924 --> 00:07:13,043
Hi, Gemma.
122
00:07:13,044 --> 00:07:14,203
Oh.
123
00:07:14,204 --> 00:07:16,723
Wowee! Interesting cake.
124
00:07:16,724 --> 00:07:17,923
Thank you.
125
00:07:17,924 --> 00:07:20,844
No, it wasn't a compliment.
It was an observation.
126
00:07:24,724 --> 00:07:25,923
Hi, guys.
127
00:07:25,924 --> 00:07:27,283
Hey!
128
00:07:27,284 --> 00:07:29,043
Tom!
129
00:07:29,044 --> 00:07:31,603
I say, Billy, would you mind?
No, of course.
130
00:07:31,604 --> 00:07:32,804
Thank you.
131
00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:40,363
Bloody done it again, haven't I?
I've overdone the cake thing.
132
00:07:40,364 --> 00:07:43,683
It's just that Poppy and I had such
a fabulous week creating it, I...
133
00:07:43,684 --> 00:07:46,083
No, Tom, it's wonderful.
134
00:07:46,084 --> 00:07:48,843
I wish I could cook like that,
it's really fantastic,
135
00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:50,444
it's like a work of art.
Not like mine.
136
00:07:50,445 --> 00:07:53,363
Mine's more Damien Hirst, "Stuffed
Bloated Cat Run Over By A Truck."
137
00:07:53,364 --> 00:07:56,124
Not "Woodland Wonderland
Family Wedding Day."
138
00:07:59,324 --> 00:08:01,044
Is that the fire alarm?
139
00:08:02,084 --> 00:08:04,042
When I was reprimanding
the class yesterday,
140
00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:05,924
Flynn put up his hand
and asked if the reason
141
00:08:05,925 --> 00:08:09,124
I was in a bad mood was because
I was due for my pyramid.
142
00:08:10,164 --> 00:08:11,843
He is very attuned.
143
00:08:11,844 --> 00:08:13,843
He wants me to call him "Butch".
144
00:08:13,844 --> 00:08:17,523
Well, he must really like you.
I have no doubt of that, Mrs Taylor. Miss.
145
00:08:17,524 --> 00:08:19,244
Because he told me that when I die,
146
00:08:19,245 --> 00:08:21,924
he wants me to buried
outside his bedroom window.
147
00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:32,524
Oh no! Oh my God!
148
00:08:34,044 --> 00:08:36,163
Oh wicked, my sisters are orange!
149
00:08:36,164 --> 00:08:40,364
What the...? I mean, how?!
150
00:08:41,364 --> 00:08:43,083
Oh, you!
151
00:08:43,084 --> 00:08:46,043
Sorry we're late.
I heard you were back.
152
00:08:46,044 --> 00:08:48,643
Jason, can I have a small word?
153
00:08:48,644 --> 00:08:51,123
High fives. Down, boom!
Boom!
154
00:08:51,124 --> 00:08:53,044
I'm not sure about your hair, girls.
155
00:08:53,045 --> 00:08:54,563
What the hell happened?
156
00:08:54,564 --> 00:08:57,723
We got held up. Some idiot
driving like a girl's bra.
157
00:08:57,724 --> 00:09:00,204
No, what happened to Charlotte
and Jess? What do you mean?
158
00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:02,683
What do I mean?
They're orange, Jason!
159
00:09:02,684 --> 00:09:04,243
In case you hadn't noticed.
160
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:08,363
Well, Inca did it. They show
it to us at the beauty academy,
161
00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:11,443
how to turn people sun-kissed.
I'm using taupe. Hmm, nice.
162
00:09:11,444 --> 00:09:14,843
Sun-kissed? They look like
over made-up Space Hoppers!
163
00:09:14,844 --> 00:09:16,324
They have a healthy look.
164
00:09:16,325 --> 00:09:19,003
And Gemma, the tanning lotion
has anti-ageing properties.
165
00:09:19,004 --> 00:09:22,283
Anti-ageing? They're ten!
166
00:09:22,284 --> 00:09:24,364
Exactly. No need to thank me.
167
00:09:25,804 --> 00:09:27,764
Look, Mum. I've got fake nails. See?
168
00:09:27,765 --> 00:09:30,643
Oh, you both look good enough to eat!
169
00:09:30,644 --> 00:09:32,564
This is too much.
170
00:09:33,604 --> 00:09:35,963
Lying down. Lying down.
171
00:09:35,964 --> 00:09:37,443
Wow, that's impressive.
172
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:38,644
Yeah, my daughter made it.
173
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:41,483
We papier-mache'd her cousin,
Griffin Junior.
174
00:09:41,484 --> 00:09:43,724
We gave him a straw to breathe
through, obviously.
175
00:09:43,725 --> 00:09:44,844
Oh, obviously.
176
00:09:46,004 --> 00:09:49,523
So, I expect Gemma has been walking
around on cloud nine since our date?
177
00:09:49,524 --> 00:09:51,163
Ah...
178
00:09:51,164 --> 00:09:53,443
My feet have barely touched
the ground.
179
00:09:53,444 --> 00:09:57,084
You know, underneath all the mess
is a really super woman.
180
00:09:58,444 --> 00:10:00,763
Real knee-buckler of a kiss.
181
00:10:00,764 --> 00:10:02,643
Oh, right.
182
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:05,044
I know it's bad form for a chap
to talk about such matters,
183
00:10:05,045 --> 00:10:08,083
but it gave me
a slight pinching in the gut.
184
00:10:08,084 --> 00:10:11,323
I'm feeling a bit punch-drunk
and giddy about the whole thing.
185
00:10:11,324 --> 00:10:12,883
That's great, Tom.
186
00:10:12,884 --> 00:10:14,683
Anyone special in your life?
187
00:10:14,684 --> 00:10:16,643
Oh, I... Wise.
188
00:10:16,644 --> 00:10:20,003
You're young, don't tie yourself
down, keep your options open.
189
00:10:20,004 --> 00:10:23,844
Spray the fields, eh?
Spray the fields.
190
00:10:28,804 --> 00:10:31,603
I just don't think it's appropriate
on ten-year-olds.
191
00:10:31,604 --> 00:10:34,683
Gemma, I'm taking my duties
as soon-to-be step-mother
192
00:10:34,684 --> 00:10:36,122
with the great seriousness.
193
00:10:36,123 --> 00:10:38,524
I promise you I'm never going
to again step on your foots.
194
00:10:38,525 --> 00:10:42,603
You're their mother and I'll just be
a very, very, very, dear friend.
195
00:10:42,604 --> 00:10:44,603
Thank you so much, Mrs Collier.
196
00:10:44,604 --> 00:10:47,484
Oh, no, thank you.
Ava May is a pure joy to teach.
197
00:10:53,484 --> 00:10:56,603
Hello, Mr and Mrs Jones,
do you want to come in?
198
00:10:56,604 --> 00:10:59,443
Hello, I'm Inca Adolfson,
soon to be Inca Adolfson-Jones.
199
00:10:59,444 --> 00:11:00,523
Oh.
200
00:11:00,524 --> 00:11:03,004
I can't help it.
201
00:11:21,084 --> 00:11:23,723
I will be the step-mother
and I'm Swedish.
202
00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:26,803
Perhaps we should just focus
on Charlotte and Jess?
203
00:11:26,804 --> 00:11:28,524
Ignore me, I'm just going
to observe.
204
00:11:28,525 --> 00:11:29,883
Right.
205
00:11:29,884 --> 00:11:32,443
Well, er, both girls are doing
really well academically,
206
00:11:32,444 --> 00:11:34,843
they're both bright. Woo!
207
00:11:34,844 --> 00:11:38,643
Yes. Unfortunately, we have had some
issues with Charlotte of late.
208
00:11:38,644 --> 00:11:41,443
I see. She's become a bit
boisterous in class.
209
00:11:41,444 --> 00:11:43,563
I mean, her work's not
suffering at the moment,
210
00:11:43,564 --> 00:11:45,683
but she is disrupting
the rest of the class.
211
00:11:45,684 --> 00:11:48,323
Class clown? Well...
I was like that.
212
00:11:48,324 --> 00:11:50,883
Had the class in stitches,
even broke the teacher.
213
00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:53,523
Right, well... Is it jokes?
Because I was like that.
214
00:11:53,524 --> 00:11:55,603
Jason! What?
215
00:11:55,604 --> 00:11:58,763
She dyed the school hamster pink.
Oh no. Brilliant!
216
00:11:58,764 --> 00:12:01,563
Pranks! I was like that.
217
00:12:01,564 --> 00:12:04,643
I bet it brought the house down.
The children were very upset.
218
00:12:04,644 --> 00:12:07,963
Of course they were.
We'll talk to her. She's OK.
219
00:12:07,964 --> 00:12:10,243
A few jolly japes
never held me back.
220
00:12:10,244 --> 00:12:12,243
I run a successful sandwich
delivery company.
221
00:12:12,244 --> 00:12:14,283
I have a fleet of VW
transporter vans.
222
00:12:14,284 --> 00:12:16,484
I'm not sure one van could be
classed as a "fleet".
223
00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:19,324
OK, I'm bored.
224
00:12:21,404 --> 00:12:22,884
So...
225
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:27,803
do you think there could be a reason
behind Charlottes' behaviour?
226
00:12:27,804 --> 00:12:29,243
No. Yes.
227
00:12:29,244 --> 00:12:32,363
Please, can I have some cake?
228
00:12:32,364 --> 00:12:34,842
You're not having any.
Please. We won't stop hitting you.
229
00:12:34,843 --> 00:12:36,044
Right, show me the money.
230
00:12:36,045 --> 00:12:38,363
Mate. Come on,
let's get out of here.
231
00:12:38,364 --> 00:12:42,083
Oh, mate, you're not getting any
action, are you giving up?
232
00:12:42,084 --> 00:12:43,603
Losers get the beers in.
233
00:12:43,604 --> 00:12:45,603
No, I don't even remember
agreeing to... Ssh.
234
00:12:45,604 --> 00:12:48,643
My MILF's back. Right, I'm going in
235
00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:54,043
and I'm taking no prisoners.
Love gun... loaded.
236
00:12:54,044 --> 00:12:55,803
Brilliant!
237
00:12:55,804 --> 00:12:57,283
Where's Alfie going?
238
00:12:57,284 --> 00:12:59,483
To be humiliated.
239
00:12:59,484 --> 00:13:02,124
I like your wares.
240
00:13:03,444 --> 00:13:06,323
I don't get to eat
home cooked food much.
241
00:13:06,324 --> 00:13:09,723
I travel a lot, business mainly,
you know,
242
00:13:09,724 --> 00:13:13,643
high-ish finance, stocks,
bullion, that sort of thing.
243
00:13:13,644 --> 00:13:15,923
Really? Yes.
244
00:13:15,924 --> 00:13:18,484
Is this your cake?
Yes.
245
00:13:21,004 --> 00:13:23,084
Mmm...
246
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:26,923
It tastes sensual.
247
00:13:26,924 --> 00:13:29,843
You do realise you're going to have
to pay for that,
248
00:13:29,844 --> 00:13:31,803
now that it's been soiled?
249
00:13:31,804 --> 00:13:33,044
How much is it?
250
00:13:33,045 --> 00:13:36,723
๏ฟฝ20. ๏ฟฝ20 for that?! Yes.
251
00:13:36,724 --> 00:13:39,364
Have you got change for a fifty?
Yes.
252
00:13:40,764 --> 00:13:43,523
Actually, I don't have a fifty,
I've only got a fiver.
253
00:13:43,524 --> 00:13:47,324
I need to get some
money from my mum. Mum!
254
00:13:49,244 --> 00:13:52,964
Ha! This is having big kidney.
255
00:13:55,884 --> 00:13:59,443
A volcano is a land form,
usually a mountain,
256
00:13:59,444 --> 00:14:02,963
where liquid rocks erupt
from the surface of the planet.
257
00:14:02,964 --> 00:14:05,884
Yes, I'm a man,
I know what a volcano is.
258
00:14:06,964 --> 00:14:08,283
Did you know
259
00:14:08,284 --> 00:14:10,963
that the name volcano has its origin
from the name Vulcan,
260
00:14:10,964 --> 00:14:14,203
the god of fire in Roman mythology?
261
00:14:14,204 --> 00:14:15,923
Yes.
262
00:14:15,924 --> 00:14:19,124
I run a successful
sandwich business.
263
00:14:20,204 --> 00:14:21,444
"The Running Bun."
264
00:14:22,844 --> 00:14:26,083
Oh, I should've brought my beauty
business cards, Jason.
265
00:14:26,084 --> 00:14:28,323
There is a lot of facial
hair in this place,
266
00:14:28,324 --> 00:14:31,723
and I don't talking about the men.
You're not even qualified yet.
267
00:14:31,724 --> 00:14:34,123
Do not try to make me tiny, Jason.
268
00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:37,444
I come here today just for you
to practice as future stepmother.
269
00:14:38,884 --> 00:14:40,164
The Running Bun.
270
00:14:40,165 --> 00:14:42,923
I don't think that's a very good
name for a sandwich company.
271
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,564
And your volcano's rubbish.
272
00:14:46,644 --> 00:14:48,044
Can I have a word, Jason?
273
00:14:49,084 --> 00:14:52,163
We need to talk about what happened.
You'll have to say something.
274
00:14:52,164 --> 00:14:54,203
Fine, I'll talk to
Charlotte about the hamster.
275
00:14:54,204 --> 00:14:57,644
No, I'm not talking about Charlotte.
I'm talking about...
276
00:14:59,204 --> 00:15:01,523
Jason, she dyed our kids orange,
277
00:15:01,524 --> 00:15:04,523
she came to the parents' evening.
It's got to stop.
278
00:15:04,524 --> 00:15:06,763
Fine, I'll try and have a word.
279
00:15:06,764 --> 00:15:10,763
Jason, I need your purse.
Wallet!
280
00:15:10,764 --> 00:15:14,483
Gemma was Jason's first wife
and I will be the second.
281
00:15:14,484 --> 00:15:16,043
Oh right, congratulations.
282
00:15:16,044 --> 00:15:19,043
Oh no, we're not engaged.
Yet.
283
00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:22,963
So, er, fancy winning some
fabulous homemade cakes?
284
00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,244
Gemma's is a treat.
285
00:15:24,245 --> 00:15:26,803
Gemma's is a treat!
286
00:15:26,804 --> 00:15:29,763
Yes, thank you, Jason.
What?
287
00:15:29,764 --> 00:15:32,683
I wish I'd known, I could have baked
my spettekaka. It's a...
288
00:15:32,684 --> 00:15:35,763
Oh, sweet dry hollow cake
shaped like a cylinder,
289
00:15:35,764 --> 00:15:38,323
made only in the southern
regions of Sweden.
290
00:15:38,324 --> 00:15:40,043
Oh my, you have visited my Sweden?
291
00:15:40,044 --> 00:15:45,363
Ja, jag har.
Ja jag boode dr fr tv ren.
292
00:15:45,364 --> 00:15:47,363
You speak Swedish?
293
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:50,643
Well, pigeon Swedish really.
I get mixed up with the tenses.
294
00:15:50,644 --> 00:15:54,403
Den hr er s spnnande,
jag missa min hem s mycket.
295
00:15:54,404 --> 00:15:57,204
Oh verkligen utom sknheten
av Uxbridge.
296
00:16:09,644 --> 00:16:11,723
Um...
297
00:16:11,724 --> 00:16:14,644
I'm going to go
and look for the girls.
298
00:16:16,044 --> 00:16:19,483
Jason, Tom has great Swedish humour.
299
00:16:19,484 --> 00:16:22,603
Doesn't say a lot for Tom then,
does it?
300
00:16:22,604 --> 00:16:24,324
You want I should kill myself,
Jason?
301
00:16:24,325 --> 00:16:29,284
You want I should eat carbohydrates?
I have family history of suicide.
302
00:16:30,764 --> 00:16:34,523
Right. So, how many tickets?
One strip?
303
00:16:34,524 --> 00:16:39,163
The whole book.
I've got a fleet of sandwich vans.
304
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:41,923
Inca says I need to look
out for excessive body hair.
305
00:16:41,924 --> 00:16:46,363
She says no one wants to kiss a girl
who looks like a moose.
306
00:16:46,364 --> 00:16:47,644
She's got a point.
307
00:16:49,524 --> 00:16:50,964
I would like to kiss a moose.
308
00:16:50,965 --> 00:16:53,084
That's because you
look like a moose.
309
00:17:01,524 --> 00:17:04,524
Can you wait here
while I get her, right?
310
00:17:18,644 --> 00:17:20,403
Jess?
311
00:17:20,404 --> 00:17:21,484
Are you in here?
312
00:17:21,485 --> 00:17:23,204
No.
313
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:27,763
Well, that's a shame,
I kind of wanted to talk to her.
314
00:17:27,764 --> 00:17:29,843
Well, she's not in here.
315
00:17:29,844 --> 00:17:32,603
The thing is, she's meant to be
doing her show in a minute.
316
00:17:32,604 --> 00:17:35,163
She's not going to,
cos she'd be pants.
317
00:17:35,164 --> 00:17:39,003
Really, pants? That's quite harsh.
Why would she be pants?
318
00:17:39,004 --> 00:17:42,523
Because someone told her
she'd be pants.
319
00:17:42,524 --> 00:17:48,564
Well, if I was Jess, I'd want to
show that "someone" I WASN'T pants.
320
00:17:56,164 --> 00:17:58,284
She said I look like a moose.
321
00:17:59,324 --> 00:18:01,563
Well, you don't. You...
322
00:18:01,564 --> 00:18:04,283
You look a princess
323
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:07,363
and every night,
little fairies dance on her face.
324
00:18:07,364 --> 00:18:09,643
No they don't, silly. See?
325
00:18:09,644 --> 00:18:13,683
Little fairy footprints
that they've left behind.
326
00:18:13,684 --> 00:18:16,004
And they wouldn't dance on a moose's
face, would they?
327
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:21,323
Do you really think
I can make Poppy look pants?
328
00:18:21,324 --> 00:18:22,883
Just by showing up,
329
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:25,243
you're going to make her look like
a huge pair
330
00:18:25,244 --> 00:18:27,483
of your dad's baggiest,
oldest Y-fronts.
331
00:18:27,484 --> 00:18:29,164
Yuck!
332
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:32,844
You're a silly billy, Billy.
333
00:18:36,764 --> 00:18:39,483
You do know this is a girls'
toilet, don't you?
334
00:18:39,484 --> 00:18:41,924
Boys wee standing up.
335
00:18:45,404 --> 00:18:46,444
Wow.
336
00:18:48,604 --> 00:18:49,644
I know.
337
00:18:50,924 --> 00:18:52,923
If I wasn't hiding one affair,
338
00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:57,043
I'd hunt that man down
and smother him in Tiramisu.
339
00:18:57,044 --> 00:18:58,964
All right, keep your knickers on.
340
00:19:00,084 --> 00:19:01,684
They're not his type.
341
00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:06,964
Go on, give us a little waddle.
342
00:19:10,844 --> 00:19:12,363
You're ready.
343
00:19:12,364 --> 00:19:15,923
Inca's going to practice her
beauty techniques on me.
344
00:19:15,924 --> 00:19:18,963
Hmm, Jason is not happy to be
being my experiment.
345
00:19:18,964 --> 00:19:21,603
Too right, she painted my toenails
in my sleep. I'm happy to do it.
346
00:19:21,604 --> 00:19:23,483
Cheers, mate. Thanks, Alfred.
347
00:19:23,484 --> 00:19:26,563
My next session are the deep
tissue full body massage. Oh, top!
348
00:19:26,564 --> 00:19:29,603
No, wait, hang on, no, no,
I'll be your experiment for that.
349
00:19:29,604 --> 00:19:33,043
No, Jason, my oiled fingers get
stuck in your man-fuzz.
350
00:19:33,044 --> 00:19:35,043
I love a massage.
Just oil me up and...
351
00:19:35,044 --> 00:19:37,163
No, do me. You can wax me first.
352
00:19:37,164 --> 00:19:39,123
Really? Hmm.
353
00:19:39,124 --> 00:19:40,644
That is true love.
354
00:19:42,404 --> 00:19:47,483
Jason, you are being jealous.
That is so sweet.
355
00:19:47,484 --> 00:19:50,964
I have no interest in his young,
taught, smooth skin.
356
00:19:52,244 --> 00:19:55,924
Just your fuzzy, piggy belly.
Oh! Ha, yes.
357
00:19:57,724 --> 00:19:59,884
When we're gone back home,
I heat up the wax.
358
00:20:12,884 --> 00:20:15,963
Hi. Oh, hello.
359
00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:20,083
Yes... Is that dog carrying
a head in its mouth?
360
00:20:20,084 --> 00:20:21,563
It's Flynn's.
361
00:20:21,564 --> 00:20:23,323
Oh, and that explains it?
362
00:20:23,324 --> 00:20:25,883
Yes, for about six weeks,
he thought he was a dog.
363
00:20:25,884 --> 00:20:28,284
Fran spent a fortune
on squeaky bones.
364
00:20:30,484 --> 00:20:32,363
Thank you.
365
00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:33,483
For what?
366
00:20:33,484 --> 00:20:34,764
I heard you talking to Jess.
367
00:20:34,765 --> 00:20:38,563
She's not as tough as Charlotte.
Yeah, she's sweet. Yeah.
368
00:20:38,564 --> 00:20:40,523
I worry about them.
369
00:20:40,524 --> 00:20:43,683
Most of the time, I feel like
I'm always one step behind them,
370
00:20:43,684 --> 00:20:45,323
trying to catch up with them.
371
00:20:45,324 --> 00:20:47,563
And then one day
I know I'm going to turn round
372
00:20:47,564 --> 00:20:49,603
and they're going to be big
grown-up women.
373
00:20:49,604 --> 00:20:52,403
Look at Alfie, he's a big
grown-up... Woman.
374
00:20:52,404 --> 00:20:54,444
Thanks for...
375
00:21:13,884 --> 00:21:15,484
Looks like you won the bet.
376
00:21:16,844 --> 00:21:18,764
I didn't kiss you to win a bet.
377
00:21:25,644 --> 00:21:28,043
Argh!!
378
00:21:28,044 --> 00:21:31,523
STOP KISSING MY MUM!!!
379
00:21:31,524 --> 00:21:33,324
Alfie! Argh!
380
00:21:35,684 --> 00:21:37,004
Alfie!
381
00:21:38,004 --> 00:21:41,003
Yes, we're so proud of Ava May's
platinum award.
382
00:21:41,004 --> 00:21:43,003
I've just got to...
383
00:21:43,004 --> 00:21:45,123
Yes, thank you so much.
384
00:21:45,124 --> 00:21:47,603
Hi, it's me. Mr Jones.
385
00:21:47,604 --> 00:21:49,603
I remember.
386
00:21:49,604 --> 00:21:52,923
About the hamster,
you can tell me now we're alone.
387
00:21:52,924 --> 00:21:54,403
You laughed, right?
388
00:21:54,404 --> 00:21:55,803
I didn't.
389
00:21:55,804 --> 00:21:58,643
But I bet when you told them
in the staff room, they all laughed.
390
00:21:58,644 --> 00:21:59,883
They didn't.
391
00:21:59,884 --> 00:22:03,963
If I asked you off school premises,
you'd say it was funny.
392
00:22:03,964 --> 00:22:05,244
I wouldn't.
393
00:22:06,564 --> 00:22:07,804
Would.
394
00:22:11,844 --> 00:22:13,563
No running!
395
00:22:13,564 --> 00:22:16,403
You boy! No running
in the corridors.
396
00:22:16,404 --> 00:22:17,843
Alfie, stop!
397
00:22:17,844 --> 00:22:22,483
I just want to explain, it's not
what it looks like! Really?
398
00:22:22,484 --> 00:22:25,723
It looked like you were snogging the
face off my mum to win a bet!
399
00:22:25,724 --> 00:22:27,204
No...
400
00:22:29,204 --> 00:22:32,083
When I said we were going
to try and pull MILF,
401
00:22:32,084 --> 00:22:35,724
I wasn't talking about my
mum! She's not even fit!
402
00:22:37,124 --> 00:22:39,803
Alfie, stop being an idiot.
Can we just talk about it?
403
00:22:39,804 --> 00:22:41,563
You, come here.
404
00:22:41,564 --> 00:22:43,283
Stop it!
405
00:22:43,284 --> 00:22:45,923
Isn't that what you should've said
to him?!
406
00:22:45,924 --> 00:22:50,803
I was just saying thank you
to him for, for... It was a mistake!
407
00:22:50,804 --> 00:22:53,564
Yeah, too right.
Alfie, calm down.
408
00:22:58,444 --> 00:23:00,324
Aargh!
409
00:23:01,884 --> 00:23:03,163
I'm sorry.
410
00:23:03,164 --> 00:23:05,724
Aaaaaargh!
411
00:23:07,724 --> 00:23:10,523
Yes, they have been rehearsing
terribly hard.
412
00:23:10,524 --> 00:23:15,163
Settle down, settle down. Welcome,
welcome, one and all...
413
00:23:15,164 --> 00:23:16,643
Mummy. Mummy.
414
00:23:16,644 --> 00:23:21,524
To this Year 5's performance
of Penguin Party.
415
00:23:23,724 --> 00:23:24,763
It's Billy.
416
00:23:24,764 --> 00:23:26,763
Sorry.
417
00:23:26,764 --> 00:23:30,004
Sorry. Welcome. Welcome.
You haven't missed anything.
418
00:23:31,484 --> 00:23:34,724
There's a seat somewhere for you...
There's one over here.
419
00:23:36,484 --> 00:23:40,163
So, as you can imagine, the children
have put in a lot of time
420
00:23:40,164 --> 00:23:43,044
and effort into devising the show.
421
00:23:48,604 --> 00:23:51,963
There's a seat at the back,
young man, just on the...
422
00:23:51,964 --> 00:23:55,643
There's a notice... Perhaps there's
some problem in the corridor?
423
00:23:55,644 --> 00:23:59,203
Where was I? Er, yes,
the penguin costumes
424
00:23:59,204 --> 00:24:02,363
are an absolute credit
to Mrs Collier...
425
00:24:02,364 --> 00:24:03,883
Fight me like a man, you girl!
426
00:24:03,884 --> 00:24:05,963
What's going on? Have you
smuggled booze in?
427
00:24:05,964 --> 00:24:08,323
Mrs Collier...
428
00:24:08,324 --> 00:24:11,243
Stop acting like a baby,
it's just a misunderstanding.
429
00:24:11,244 --> 00:24:12,603
Hiding somewhere...
430
00:24:12,604 --> 00:24:18,803
I do not know what this is about,
but would you both just calm down.
431
00:24:18,804 --> 00:24:20,883
Sssh! Ssh yourself!
432
00:24:20,884 --> 00:24:23,723
And this is following on
from project work and...
433
00:24:23,724 --> 00:24:25,563
Hello, everyone. Hi.
434
00:24:25,564 --> 00:24:27,043
If that is everybody?
435
00:24:27,044 --> 00:24:29,923
Gemma. Is that everybody? Gemma.
436
00:24:29,924 --> 00:24:32,763
Er sorry, I'll just um,
I'll just take a seat.
437
00:24:32,764 --> 00:24:34,163
That's the whole family.
438
00:24:34,164 --> 00:24:36,203
Following on from
the project work...
439
00:24:36,204 --> 00:24:38,963
Stop it! Stop it.
440
00:24:38,964 --> 00:24:42,203
Ssh. I'm trying to record it
and you're ruining the audio!
441
00:24:42,204 --> 00:24:44,603
You ssh, this is real life
going on here, lady!
442
00:24:44,604 --> 00:24:46,683
Ava May has been
practising for weeks for this
443
00:24:46,684 --> 00:24:48,522
and we've spent hours
on her costume.
444
00:24:48,523 --> 00:24:50,884
Oh, get over yourself.
She's dressed as a fat penguin,
445
00:24:50,885 --> 00:24:53,683
she'll THANK me
for ruining the video. Alfie!
446
00:24:53,684 --> 00:24:56,044
Psst!
447
00:24:57,484 --> 00:24:59,403
Can somebody help me?
448
00:24:59,404 --> 00:25:00,683
Oh, yes. Ow!
449
00:25:00,684 --> 00:25:03,363
Can I just say,
he's not biologically my son.
450
00:25:03,364 --> 00:25:06,644
Ladies and gentlemen,
Year 5 Penguin Party.
451
00:25:07,884 --> 00:25:10,924
If you ruin Ava May's big moment...
Do you want to take this outside?
452
00:25:15,164 --> 00:25:16,523
Oooow!
453
00:25:16,524 --> 00:25:19,283
Alfie, if you fight the hold,
the arm will break.
454
00:25:19,284 --> 00:25:21,003
Hello, Lucy.
455
00:25:21,004 --> 00:25:23,244
Now breathe.
456
00:25:25,004 --> 00:25:27,003
Now, what was all this about, eh?
457
00:25:27,004 --> 00:25:29,523
'She's always happy, even though
it's cold where she lives.'
458
00:25:29,524 --> 00:25:31,003
Nothing.
459
00:25:31,004 --> 00:25:33,643
Alfie! 'Hello, Lucy.'
I'd better go after him.
460
00:25:33,644 --> 00:25:36,043
'Come on, let's go to school.'
461
00:25:36,044 --> 00:25:39,083
Oh, what's wrong?
You're usually so happy.
462
00:25:39,084 --> 00:25:41,163
You know I've got you on tape,
threatening me.
463
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:43,964
Well, you'd better turn around,
unless you want the follow through on there too.
464
00:25:43,965 --> 00:25:46,283
'This hole covers almost
the whole continent...'
465
00:25:46,284 --> 00:25:49,843
Just so you know,
none of this is putting me off.
466
00:25:49,844 --> 00:25:51,764
I definitely want a second date.
467
00:25:55,244 --> 00:25:58,083
Sorry, sorry, do you mind?
Sit down!
468
00:25:58,084 --> 00:26:01,444
Thank you. Sorry, so sorry.
Brilliant, thank you.
469
00:26:05,724 --> 00:26:08,843
Mate, I'm sorry. It just happened,
it wasn't your mother's fault.
470
00:26:08,844 --> 00:26:11,363
How would you like it if I kissed
your mum? That would be weird.
471
00:26:11,364 --> 00:26:14,323
Yes, weird. But she's 64
with a grey perm.
472
00:26:14,324 --> 00:26:15,803
She had me late in life.
473
00:26:15,804 --> 00:26:18,444
I was a gift from God.
What, like Jesus?
474
00:26:19,844 --> 00:26:22,043
I should just find somewhere
else to crash, man.
475
00:26:22,044 --> 00:26:24,843
Look, right, what you did
was gross, mate.
476
00:26:24,844 --> 00:26:26,324
That's a line you don't cross.
477
00:26:26,325 --> 00:26:28,963
But you know, we've all done
something disgusting to win a bet.
478
00:26:28,964 --> 00:26:32,083
I once kissed the lips of a frog
to get a free pint.
479
00:26:32,084 --> 00:26:33,763
Right, in we go.
480
00:26:33,764 --> 00:26:36,483
Hey! Hey!
481
00:26:36,484 --> 00:26:38,363
Hi, hi.
482
00:26:38,364 --> 00:26:39,564
What are you doing?
483
00:26:39,565 --> 00:26:41,083
Alfie, did you see us? Yeah.
484
00:26:41,084 --> 00:26:43,723
Poppy fell over
and couldn't get up again.
485
00:26:43,724 --> 00:26:45,644
You were the best seals
I've ever seen.
486
00:26:45,645 --> 00:26:48,324
But we were penguins.
Mmmm...
487
00:26:49,524 --> 00:26:51,763
Go on.
488
00:26:51,764 --> 00:26:52,803
You OK, Alfie?
489
00:26:52,804 --> 00:26:55,763
Yeah, it's OK.
It's all sorted, Mum.
490
00:26:55,764 --> 00:26:57,923
I realise it could have been anyone.
491
00:26:57,924 --> 00:27:00,883
He wanted to win a bet, it's not
like he fancied you. Right, mate?
492
00:27:00,884 --> 00:27:02,683
Right.
493
00:27:02,684 --> 00:27:04,963
Alfie, can you tell us a story?
494
00:27:04,964 --> 00:27:07,644
Yeah, one of your made-up ones.
495
00:27:08,724 --> 00:27:10,164
Keep it clean, Alfie.
496
00:27:12,324 --> 00:27:14,883
It can never happen again.
I should never have let you.
497
00:27:14,884 --> 00:27:17,483
I wanted to. Stop.
OK. Whatever you want.
498
00:27:17,484 --> 00:27:19,283
Yes, well, it is what I want.
499
00:27:19,284 --> 00:27:21,602
There's Alfie and there's the girls
and you're...
500
00:27:21,603 --> 00:27:22,684
Right, I get it.
501
00:27:22,685 --> 00:27:24,684
It's got to be over before it
begins, OK?
502
00:27:24,685 --> 00:27:27,323
OK. OK. OK. Right.
503
00:27:27,324 --> 00:27:30,083
Excellent. Right.
504
00:27:30,084 --> 00:27:32,963
Just stop it with your eyes
and your lips and your...
505
00:27:32,964 --> 00:27:34,843
I wasn't doing anything.
506
00:27:34,844 --> 00:27:36,722
Right, good, good, good,
excellent. Yes.
507
00:27:36,723 --> 00:27:38,364
I mean, we shall
speak of it no more.
508
00:27:38,365 --> 00:27:41,123
I'm going to go upstairs
to read, or sew.
509
00:27:41,124 --> 00:27:43,403
Right. I never had you down
as a sewer.
510
00:27:43,404 --> 00:27:46,443
Well, I'm old. It's what we do, sew.
511
00:27:57,524 --> 00:28:00,603
Stop kissing him.
What's wrong with you?
512
00:28:00,604 --> 00:28:02,803
I mean, so what if he's young
and attractive,
513
00:28:02,804 --> 00:28:04,084
with a voice I could eat?
514
00:28:04,085 --> 00:28:05,524
Oh... Stop it!
515
00:28:07,044 --> 00:28:08,724
Tom, Tom, think of Tom.
516
00:28:12,444 --> 00:28:16,764
I said stop it,
you... scarlet woman, you.
517
00:28:34,258 --> 00:28:59,624
518
00:29:00,409 --> 00:30:00,759
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