Original subtitles

(movie projector whirring) (pleasant chiming music)

- First of all, thank you for coming out.

The reason I've asked you here today is to address

a very, very serious situation.

A unique opportunity has arisen,

but there will be pitfalls galore.

I need help with ideation, logistics,

and maybe even execution,

but the fundamental question is this:

how do I entertain two kids for the next 36 hours?

- Most of what you just said, I don't know what it means.

- They are kids. Kids like to do fun things.

- For 36 hours? (laughs)

- Children also sleep.

- I don't know, these ones might not.

- All right, first of all, lose the suit.

- Really? I thought it was impressive.

- For the kids.

- There's Great Explorations.

- Yes, the children's museum. It's very, hands-on.

- Oh, it's such a cool place. I love it!

- You love a children's museum?

- He really likes the fire truck.

- Oh, it won't be long till we're taking

our own little one there. (laughs)

- Guys, what do I do to break the ice when they get here?

- Bring 'em to the bar. - Great idea!

Help me loosen up, you know.

- Not for you.

I'll make them virgin pina coladas.

Kids love that kind of stuff.

- Okay, but I get one too, right?

(playful music)

- Dan, you seem nervous. - Well, of course I'm nervous.

I never wanted to be estranged

from my brother or his family.

- Well, I mean, you could fix that now.

- Can I? How?

I don't even know what these kids like.

I don't even know what they're like.

What if they're goth kids?

(intense rock music)

- [Dan] Hey guys, I got a fun day planned.

- Whatever. - Don't you want to have fun?

- We're nihilists, Uncle Dan.

We don't believe in fun.

- We don't believe in anything.

- Who doesn't believe in fun? - What?

- Worst case scenario, they're nerds.

Throw 'em in a room with some video games,

a chess set or something.

Do people still even play chess?

- Relax Dan, they're just kids,

and I already found a solution for you,

for the afternoon anyway.

Tickets to a soccer game. - Oh, awesome!

They love soccer I think.

- Tickets are at will call under your name.

Game is at 1:00. Have fun!

(people chatting) (Dan sighing)

- Dan, good to see you.

- It's good to see you too, Paul.

- Logan, Katie, say hi to Uncle Danny.

- Hi, Uncle Danny. - Hello.

- Hi guys. You ready to have some fun?

Who likes beach bars? (upbeat island music)

- Can't remember the last time I had a virgin pina colada.

- You sure you don't want a full strength one?

I'm the one who has to be responsible today.

- No, I gotta meet Kelly back at our hotel.

She has a spa morning. - Oh, I love spa mornings.

(children giggling)

Well, we got a fun outing of our own planned.

- Where are we going?

- We're going to a soccer game.

- Soccer? Yes, I love soccer!

- Yeah, I knew that.

- I'm sure you'll have a great time.

- (laughs) Yeah, and afterwards, we can grab some ice cream.

The Don has his own old fashioned ice cream parlor.

- Yes! - Mm hmm.

Maybe we'll get a big thing of popcorn and watch a movie.

- [Kids] "Fury Road!"

- I love "Mad Max."

- Absolutely not.

- But we've seen all of them besides "Fury Road."

- Wait, you let 'em watch the first three?

- I did not.

There's a little thing called video on demand

which is now closely monitored.

- [Kids] Boo!

- Under no circumstances are they

allowed to watch "Fury Road."

- Scout's honor. (upbeat island music)

(pleasant music) (people cheering)

- Wow!

- Do you go a lot of soccer games, Uncle Danny?

- Yeah, all the time. (awestruck music)

- I love soccer.

- You don't really, do you?

- No, but I'm assuming signed jerseys

is a pretty good Christmas present.

- I'll tell you who his favorite player is.

(awestruck music) (people chatting)

- You guys excited? - Yeah!

(plastic thudding) (pleasant music)

(cowbell clanking) - Oh, come on, cowbell.

(pleasant music)

(plastic clacking) (pleasant music)

Come on, man, these have to be legal.

I see them all the time at soccer games.

You know, they're waving them around.

- Smoke flares are the most prohibited thing you've got.

(people chatting) (pleasant music)

- Uncle Danny, do you even know what prohibited means?

- Yes. (pleasant music)

Is that it? (pleasant music)

Hey guys, we'll grab some hot dogs, popcorn,

whatever you want.

First. (clandestine music)

- Uncle Dan! - Cool!

(clandestine music) - Should I go.

- Sure. - Yeah!

- All right, ready? (clandestine music)

This is gonna be so cool. (lighter flicking)

(firework hissing) - Whoa!

(firework hissing) - Okay, guys.

- No! (upbeat music)

- Whoa! (upbeat music)

- Cool, right? - Yeah, it looks bad.

(upbeat music) (firework hissing)

- Guys, it's getting pretty smoky in here.

That's a lot of smoke.

Guys, let's bail. We gotta get outta here.

(upbeat music) - Go, go, go, go, go!

Come on! (upbeat music)

Sign this. - Can you sign this for me?

(upbeat music)

He signed it, look! (upbeat music)

- You'll never take us alive, ha ha ha ha!

(Dan yelping) (upbeat music)

- Oh, thank you. I promise I won't do it again.

Scout's honor. Let's get the heck outta here.

(kids laughing)

(spectators chatting) (pleasant music)

Ooo, nice kick! (pleasant music)

(whistle tweeting) (spectators chatting)

(players shouting) (pleasant music)

So, this little incident today,

I don't think we really need to tell your parents about it.

- What's in it for us? - Yeah.

(spectators cheering) (pleasant music)

(dramatic music) (guns firing)

(dramatic music) (car engines revving)

(explosion booming) - [Kids] Cool!

(dramatic music) (machine gun firing)

(intense rock music)