All language subtitles for Key.And.Peele.S04E02.Little.Homie.WEB-DL.x264.AAC.2.0-LeRalouf

Police say late last night,

they apprehended
Rodney Gullivan,

and found a gun
and narcotics in his truck.

He was charged with possession
and assault on his fiancee,

and she is in the hospital
recovering tonight.

Meanwhile, another woman

was sexually assaulted
by Benjamin Braider

of Indianapolis.

The unidentified woman suffered
a broken rib and a split lip.

She's in stable condition
tonight.

Well, that's it for sports.

Chuck.

♪ ♪

Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com

Resync WEB-DL by LeRalouf

When I was, uh...

I might've been 13 or something,

I had a Willie Talk
ventriloquist dummy.

- Willie Talk?
- Willie Talk was his name.

That was--
Have you ever seen those?

He's got on, like,
a white and red striped shirt,

- and it says, "Willie Talk."
- Oh, my God.

And he's got a plastic head,
and he's like...

And just,

like, a kind of standard-looking
ventriloquist dummy.

They'd have these three types
of dolls.

There was, like,
a Willie Talk, a Wilma Talk,

- And then--
- Wilma Talk.

The girl version.

But it doesn't make a pun.

I know.

And then-- are you kidding me?

You know what?
Can I just tell you something?

I'm gonna
admit something right now.

- Just got the pun right now.
- Gee.

Just got the pun right now.

I was so excited
to get a Willie Talk

'cause my grandpa's--
my grandpa's name was Willie.

And my mom said, "Look,
a ventriloquist dummy's named...

- "after your grandpa."
- Dude.

I-- Oh, no, I'm 43.

- I got it right now.
- Okay, okay.

I'm like, "Oh, will he tal--"
What?

Good morning.

Clive "Double Down" Ruggins,
I'm Daniel Tate.

I am your parole officer,
and I just want to help you.

How the hell you supposed
to help me, man?

What the [bleep] you
know about the streets,

what with your diplomas
on the wall?

Settle down.

I know that you might not
be able to relate to me,

but I think I know somebody

who you can relate to.

Little Homie.

What up?

What up?
It's my favorite Clive.

- What up, dude?
- Nah, dog, listen.

Hey, man, I ain't trying
to talk to no puppet, man.

It's not a puppet.
It's Little Homie,

and I would like
for you to talk to him, Clive.

See, I used to work in
the juvenile correction systems,

and I found
this method very effective.

I ain't no juvenile,
man, okay?

He's right.

Does he look like a kid
to you?

Come on!
He's a grown-ass man.

See? What?

Look, it's very important

for your parole
that you talk to Little Homie.

What's up, Little Homie?

That's better, my negrumps.

Heh, what you getting
into these days, man?

What it is? What it is?

You got a job yet?

I'm trying, man,
but no one will hire me.

Yeah, hey,
[bleep] all that noise, man.

Between you and me, man,

ain't nobody trying
to hire a [bleep] with a record.

But hey, man,
what you need to be doing

is get back into some crimes,
mang.

What's going on, man?

- Are you talking to me?
- Yeah.

Well, you should be talking
to Little Homie right now.

- What is going on?
- Yeah, bitch!

Talk to me!

Look at me
when I'm talking to you!

Okay, okay, fine.

Damn!

So, you smoking weed, [bleep]?

No, man.
No, no, Little Homie.

I'm done with drugs.

[bleep].
I got something.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Look at this here, negrumps.

Smoke this weed!

No, no, no, no, no, no, man.

I'm done, man.
You hear me?

I'm done with drugs.

I ain't doing all that.

I don't know.

Little Homie
seems pretty serious about that.

Here.

What?
Look, I'm confused, man.

What do you want me to do here?

Well,
I want you to clean up your act,

But you're not talking
to me right now.

You're talking to Little Homie.

Now smoke that [bleep]

Or I'll smoke this bitch
right here.

Oh, my God.

He's not messing around.

I think you better
do what he says.

Okay, all right.
Little Homie, man.

Just relax, man.
Relax, Little Homie.

Take it easy. I'm just--
I'm gonna smoke it down.

Wait, wait,
no, no, no, no, no, no,

No, you can't fool me.

You're trying to trick me, man.

No, I'm done with the weed.

Oh!

Catch, [bleep].

Dumbass!

Now your fingerprints
is on the weapon!

You in this with me now, right?

Okay, Little Homie, yeah.

Hmm.

Oh! Oh!

You failed the test.

I have no choice
but to revoke your parole.

What?
Oh, man.

Ain't this about a bitch?

On your feet, baby boy.

Get him out of here.

Come on.

I can't believe that negrumps
actually thought I killed you.

I know, right?

He's here. He's here.

Come on, baby, come on.
Get your sign.

Brandon, bring the camera.

Come on. Let's go.

Here you go.

Hold it out.

Hold it out right for Daddy,
so Daddy can see.

Here you go.

Rocky! Oh, my boy.

- There's my boy.
- He got me a Teddy Bear.

- How's my Rocky doing?
- He did bring you a Teddy Bear.

Oh, my gosh, look at this.

Look at this good boy.

Yo, hey, hey, you want that?

You want that toy?
You want that toy?

- You want that toy?
- Why isn't he coming, Mommy?

- That's a good boy.
- He's coming, he's coming.

Oh, my gosh,
I love you so much, Rock.

Oh, hey, let's go.

Come on, boy.

Good dog. Good dog.

There we go.

Oh, I missed you so much.

That's my Rocky!

That's my Rocky!

Who's your favorite actor
all time?

My favorite actor of all time?

- Still working today.
- Who's yours?

Do you know yours off the top
of your head?

My favorite is probably...

you.

- No, you can't do that.
- You're my favorite actor.

No, no, no.

What is yours, but seriously?

Working, living.

You know, don't--
and feel free to not say me.

All I'm saying
is you're my favorite actor.

- Oh, my God.
- Who's your favorite actor?

It shouldn't be that hard.

It should be someone who just
comes off the top of your--

You are.
You are.

Why?

Like, what is it about my,
I don't know--

It's the subtle-- Like,

a lot of the subtlety that you
use when you're performing.

- Subtlety.
- You know what I mean?

Sometimes, there's, like,
a lot going on back here,

You want to put it
on the back.

You want to put it
in the back 'cause

if it's happening inside, you
want the audience to feel it.

You don't want 'em to see it.

- Mm-hmm, yup. Yup.
- Well, good answer.

You know who else I like,
though?

I do like Robert De Niro a lot.

- Ah, he's a hack.
- A lot of his early work.

He's bull[bleep].

Really?

You guys see anything?

Nothing yet.

Okay.

We'll wait until dark, and then
sneak back across the line,

and rejoin our unit.

Did you guys hear something?

Oh, hell.

These Americans
prove to be no obstacle at all.

- Search the hotel.
- Yeah.

You've done well
to secure this position.

That could bode well
for promotion.

Speaking of which, guess who I
saw at the market the other day.

Who?

Oh, I don't know,
Adolf Hitler.

I love Hitler.

Who doesn't?
But you ever see him in person?

Oh, yeah.
At the Nuremberg rally.

It was very inspirational.

I know it was.
I was there.

Everyone was there.

But up close,
it's a whole different thing.

For instance,
it was the weekend,

and the little hairs had just
started to grow on the sides

of the mustache, like this.

So I walk up to Hitler,
casually...

- Herr Kommandant.
- That's rude.

I'm in the middle of a story.

You're not interested
in a story about our Führer?

- Yeah, but--
- Okay, good.

Eva was there as well,

taller than you think
or Hitler's shorter,

hard to say.

But anyhoo,
I'm buying some bread.

- Hitler's buying some bread.
- Um, I must--

So, I'm assuming you've got
a better Hitler story?

- But no, but--
- Then maybe don't interrupt.

- Yes, sir.
- So I give him a salute,

and he gives me one of those
half Hitler salutes, you know,

- down, low, very cool.
- Right.

- You know?
- Right.

- Here's what you forget.
- Yeah.

- He doesn't say "Heil Hitler."
- Uh-huh.

Isn't that funny?

Ah! Herr Kommandant--

Oh, wait.

I think maybe next time,

I'll tell him how uninterested
you are in my story.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Is it a jealousy thing?

- No, no, no.
- You know, I didn't meet Hitler

to hurt your feelings.

Proceed, of course.

So I say to Hitler,

"I've actually been quite busy."

Hitler laughs, and then says,

"You and me both."

I mean, he's the Führer.

It's so funny
because it's an understatement.

I mean, he's super busy.

As Hitler was taking his leave
of me--

Okay, I have to interrupt
you right now.

Excuse me?
During the cinema?

The story has a build.

But if you keep interrupting,
you kill the momentum.

I'm trying to tell you
that body is moving.

That's ridiculous.

The Americans are all dead.

But if it keeps you
from interrupting

my awesome Hitler story,
I'll prove it to you.

Yes.
Very good, sir.

Wow. I'll never get used
to those final death throes.

Death throes?

Herr Müller,
what is wrong with you?

Those are not death throes!

You are being an idiot!

Insubordinate and churlish.

Pity.

This is the best part
of the story.

As Hitler was taking
his leave of me, he said,

"Well, there's no point

in getting bread
if you're not going to get--"

And at the same time

Hitler said "cheese,"
I said "cheese."

And then,
Hitler and I both said, "Jinx."

Well, it was just, like,
two regular, everyday peoples.

You guys missed the first part,
but this is all about Hitler.

So, you was-- you was a player.

You was a down doggie,
rootin', tootin'...

I was a down doggie player,
yes.

I mean, before you were--
before you were married,

You were like...

Blip, blip, blip, blip,
blip, blip.

Not a lot of the blips.

- No blips.
- You know, I would date a girl

for a long time,
and then there'd be, like,

little segments
in the middle where, you know,

a lot of stuff would happen
with a lot of people.

- Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip.
- You know?

College was fun,
I'm not gonna lie.

College was fun.
It was a fun time.

Time of exploration,
time of scampsloracious.

I mean, college is different,
different for everybody.

It is.
It is different for everybody.

Some people go there,
and they study.

But it was--

It was-- which is interesting.

- But I, personally--
- Tried to study.

They tried to study.

'Cause there's, you know,
some people can't study when

there are other people banging,
banging, banging, banging,

and getting laid all the time,

outside your [bleep]--

Your other side of the suite,
up--at the bunk above you.

- Inside of your suite.
- Hello.

Hey.
What... What can I get you?

Hello, sir.
I would like a Rum and Coke.

Rum and Coke coming up.

Ahh, hey.

Where you from?

All right, baby.

I'm gonna see you
on the dance floor, girl.

Oh! Ah.

Here's Rum and Coke.
It's gonna be $8.

$8, all right, my good man.

Let me...

Wallet, yeah!

Whoo!

Let me-- I'ma got it-- I got it.

- [bleep]!
- Oh! Shh!

- Aw, [bleep], my wallet!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

- Hey, you all right?
- Okay, I'm--

- You all right?
- Whew!

I tell you what.

Third time's the charm, brother.

You want some help?
There it is.

- There it is.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just take the card out.

Keep that open for me.
Can you hang on to that for me?

Will do.

In fact, let me get
a tequila shot, brother.

Actually, make it two, man.

One for me,
and one for you, my good man.

All right.

Two tequila shots
coming right up.

How you doing, girl?

All right, nectar of the gods

- Up in here.
- All right.

All right,
let's get that going now.

All right, cheers.

- Yeah, man.
- All right, mi amigo.

Cheers.

Whoo!

Ah!

- Is-- Leave--
- No, no, hold on.

There's more than one way
to skin a cat.

You want some help
with that?

Hold up, let me just
try to get up in here.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, that's--
- Oh, that's burning my tongue.

- You know what?
- What? Ahh.

I'm gonna
get you one of these.

- Yeah?
- Try that.

There we-- All right.
Hell, you a genius.

Let me get this going on here.

Okay.

You just--there you go.

Mm-hmm.

Whoo!
Vaya con dios, my darling.

- That's--
- All right.

Whoo! All right.

- Muchos gracias.
- Yup.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Uh-huh?

So I'm worried about you.

Oh, no, I'm gonna tell you
what I'm worried about.

I'm worried that this club

ain't popping off the way
it should be! What? What?

'cause I-- Wait a second.

What? Uh-oh.

DJ, turn it up!

That's my track right there.

Uh-huh. What it is!

Aah!

Ha-haaaah!

Ungh! Oh!

Hey, man,

A bar is not the place
for you to be right now.

Whoo, whoo.

Let me-- Let me get
two more shots of tequila.

Unh-uh.

Sorry, pal, you're 86'ed.

What? How?
What now?

And what-- that's preposterous.

Let's go, buddy.

Be-- Be gentle with him.

- Right this way.
- Aye! Aye! Aah!

Oh, it hurts all over!

How you doing, girl?

First time, I think was,
like, '87.

It was two guys
in a heavyweight bout. Yeah.

No, it was the first time
in a heavyweight bout

that the two fighters
ended up getting married.

Hello, my good sir.

I'd like to have two shots
of tequila.

Come on, brother!

Why you gotta--

Oh, man, that hurts.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, there you are, Cedric.

'Sup, dude?

'Tis well, Cedric.
'tis well.

Yeah,
can I ask you a question, man?

Mmm?

Why the hell
are you dressed like this?

And what the hell
did you do to your bike?

You ain't heard?

I'm steampunk now.

Yeah, I don't know
what that is, man.

Jules Verne and [bleep].

I seriously think that you
have cracked, man, all right?

Like, in your mind.

Nah, I ain't cracked up.

I live in a clock now.

That's...

Ah, umbrellas and blimps,
[bleep].

You're wearing a top hat
with a door on it.

I'm just an ill-ass Lemony
Snicket up in this bitch.

But you, what's with you?

What's with me?
I'll tell you what I'm.

I'm a ill-ass
normal mother[bleep]

Who been waiting
for his friend for a hour

and ten minutes
underneath a goddamn bridge

with two homeless [bleep].

Perchance, good sir, could
you point me in the direction

of the nearest apothecary?

If you're talking
about the drug store,

it's right there on the corner.

What time does it close?

It closes at 10:00, man.

You've been there
a million times.

Hmm, I'll check
just to be sure.

- Make sure it's still open.
- I'm telling you, Levi,

if you put that piece of pipe
up to your eye

and use it as a telescope,
I cannot be your friend anymore.

- This-- Yup.
- Still open.

All right, I have to go then.
So...

- You try it.
- No, no.

I'm not gonna try it
because it's a piece of pipe,

and it doesn't have any lenses
in it.

Therefore, it's not a telescope!

Yes,
but how could you be sure?

Science.

I'm gonna look
through this piece of pipe,

and if it doesn't work
like a telescope,

then we finally done, man.

Like, not homies anymore.

We're done.

Oh, Cedric.

Why would you think...

in a million years...

that that would actually work?

Cedric, it's just that you
look so ridiculous right now.

I look ri--

I'm gonna--hmm.

Say good-bye, Ratatouille.

What?
What the [bleep] is that?

Oh, [bleep]!

♪ ♪

Can you imagine if we had
to fight in World War II?

Jeez, we would not make it.

We would not make it.

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh yeah.

Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com

Resync WEB-DL by LeRalouf

Ooooh yeah!

How do you do?