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Look at that -
the first chapter of my book
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00:00:33,940 --> 00:00:36,290
published in a
national newspaper.
3
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I did a photocopy for me dad this
morning, he was so chuffed.
4
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:41,650
This is one of the most
important supplements going.
5
00:00:41,660 --> 00:00:43,970
Nah, it's cod-liver oil
you're thinking about, mate.
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00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:48,050
So, happiest day of your life?
No, scariest day of me life. How?
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00:00:48,060 --> 00:00:51,210
Cos that's about his missus
going mental cos she's up the duff, isn't it?
8
00:00:51,220 --> 00:00:54,610
When she finds out, she's going to
go fully psycho, like. Really?
9
00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:57,050
Oh, aye, Sarah's going to
cut his knackers off.
10
00:00:57,060 --> 00:00:59,650
Or a more polite way of saying it
may be that my pregnant wife's
11
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:02,770
hormone imbalance has caused her to
become somewhat unpredictable.
12
00:01:02,780 --> 00:01:05,850
So, discovering I've published her
every move with our real names
13
00:01:05,860 --> 00:01:08,180
may well exacerbate her situation...
14
00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:11,260
..causing her to cut
me knackers off.
15
00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:15,780
The Telegraph.
So, what's all that about then?
16
00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:20,610
Hold on, you work in newspapers
and you've never heard of it?
17
00:01:20,620 --> 00:01:23,420
I work in newspapers,
I've never heard of it neither.
18
00:01:24,940 --> 00:01:28,930
Of course. No-one in Hebburn
bothers with the broadsheets.
19
00:01:28,940 --> 00:01:30,210
Sarah might never find out.
20
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:32,650
I mean, no-one bothers with
our paper and it's about them.
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00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:34,890
I had to order this one in! I bet
you no-one around here
22
00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:36,290
would even dream of reading it.
23
00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:38,100
Show us page three
and I'll tell you.
24
00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:43,580
"Environment Secretary
questions new EU ruling."
25
00:01:44,580 --> 00:01:47,170
Nah, I'll give it a miss, like.
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00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:50,770
"Week four and Sarah's mood's
in direct proportion to the
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"amount of melted Haagen Daz she's
able to drink from a pint glass."
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Ho-ho!
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00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,130
DOORBELL RINGS
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00:01:56,140 --> 00:01:57,450
I'll get it!
31
00:01:57,460 --> 00:01:58,970
Aye, aye.
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00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:01,730
Hi! Hiya, Sarah.
33
00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:04,980
Oh, look at you,
all lovely and fat.
34
00:02:06,020 --> 00:02:10,010
Pregnant. Well, pregnant's
just an excuse, though, isn't it?
35
00:02:10,020 --> 00:02:11,500
Howay in, pet.
36
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,660
Dad! It's our Sarah.
37
00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:19,810
Oh, man! No pockets.
38
00:02:19,820 --> 00:02:21,340
Right, burn it.
39
00:02:28,740 --> 00:02:33,290
Do I smell burning? Burning?
I don't know, can you? I can't.
40
00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:35,210
Coffee?
41
00:02:35,220 --> 00:02:37,420
Erm, tea, please. Good.
42
00:02:41,140 --> 00:02:42,610
Coffee?
43
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,850
Erm... Tea, please.
44
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:46,170
Good.
45
00:02:46,180 --> 00:02:48,210
Hope you don't mind me
just calling in.
46
00:02:48,220 --> 00:02:51,330
It's just since handing in my
PhD, I've been so bored.
47
00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:54,130
Waiting for this little one
to stop kickboxing my bladder
48
00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:55,930
and make his or her appearance.
49
00:02:55,940 --> 00:02:57,610
You want to enjoy
the boredom, flower,
50
00:02:57,620 --> 00:02:59,570
it'll all change when
the baby's here.
51
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,930
This is the calm
before the storm.
52
00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:06,530
Before the tsunami of crying,
nappies, potty training...
53
00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:10,690
"Daddy's got me toy." "Dad, can
I have a pound for me pocket money?"
54
00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:13,850
"Dad, can I have ten quid
for the cinema?"
55
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:18,050
"Dad, I've just met this lovely lad.
He's lush and he's a singer..."
56
00:03:18,060 --> 00:03:19,130
Until eventually...
57
00:03:19,140 --> 00:03:21,780
Dad, can I have 20 quid
for the pub later on?
58
00:03:23,380 --> 00:03:26,810
Aye, me wallet's over there,
you know the combination.
59
00:03:26,820 --> 00:03:28,180
Can I smell burning? No.
60
00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:32,650
No, I think I can. You can't.
Are you going to college?
61
00:03:32,660 --> 00:03:34,730
No, I'm going to the
recording studio.
62
00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:36,890
We're doing the final
mixes for Gervaise's album.
63
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:38,850
The sound engineer says
he's done everything
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00:03:38,860 --> 00:03:41,690
he can to make it sound decent
and he can't do any more.
65
00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:43,730
Surely you don't need to turn up?
66
00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:46,930
Dad, I'm the executive producer.
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00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:49,010
Turning up is the main
thing that I do.
68
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,250
What if I want to go down the pub?
Well, you can't, can you?
69
00:03:52,260 --> 00:03:53,810
Remember what the doctor said.
70
00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:55,170
You can only go to the pub
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00:03:55,180 --> 00:03:57,490
when you're able to walk
there on your own.
72
00:03:57,500 --> 00:04:00,690
Ta-ra!
Aye, the being on me own part's
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00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:03,100
the thing I'm looking
forward to the most.
74
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,490
I reckon this is the thing
that I'm most proud of.
75
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,020
Gan get it shredded, man.
76
00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:15,010
I can't. I can't just destroy it.
77
00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:17,370
If you ask me, your biggest
achievement was convincing
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00:04:17,380 --> 00:04:20,170
that posh lass to marry you. That's
what you don't want to destroy.
79
00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:23,130
Thanks for that,
Jolly Green Geordie.
80
00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:26,010
I suppose you're right, like.
Get it shredded, man.
81
00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:30,730
The first rule of a happy marriage -
destroy all incriminating evidence.
82
00:04:30,740 --> 00:04:32,530
OK.
83
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:34,460
Nah, I cannae do it,
I cannae do it.
84
00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:39,130
You want to get some
product on that, boss.
85
00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:41,730
Look, Jack, with all due respect,
it's a bit distracting,
86
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,890
we're trying to
get something done here. Aye, I'm about the do his mouth.
87
00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:47,130
One false slip and he'll
give us Bell's palsy.
88
00:04:47,140 --> 00:04:49,850
OK. Here we go.
89
00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:52,140
Say goodbye to the only
copy in Hebburn.
90
00:05:02,860 --> 00:05:06,220
HE MOUTHS ALONG
? There's something deep up Inside of me
91
00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:09,500
? Won't you reach in and touch it? ?
92
00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:14,850
Yeah, well,
it's blatantly fabulous.
93
00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:18,530
Don't you think it sounds like
you've got prostate cancer? What?
94
00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:21,410
"There's something deep up
Inside of me
95
00:05:21,420 --> 00:05:23,770
"Won't you reach in and touch it?"
96
00:05:23,780 --> 00:05:25,850
Isn't this a song for proctologists?
97
00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:29,130
It's a song for people of
all nationalities.
98
00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:31,010
You all right?
99
00:05:31,020 --> 00:05:32,450
Hey, guys.
100
00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:34,940
Oh, God, not this prick.
Hiya, babes.
101
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,020
So, how's it going?
102
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:46,180
Vicki said that you might
value my input in the final mix.
103
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,860
I don't want to interfere...
104
00:05:51,740 --> 00:05:53,770
So, what you working on?
105
00:05:53,780 --> 00:05:56,410
Lips Looks Like Legs,
Looks Like Love.
106
00:05:56,420 --> 00:05:58,170
Sounds like shite.
107
00:05:58,180 --> 00:06:01,530
I doubt that, we're making magic
here, Gervaise, yeah. Oh, yeah.
108
00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:02,810
"Magic."
109
00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:04,530
Is this your card?
110
00:06:04,540 --> 00:06:06,330
Are you being a knobhead?
111
00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:08,570
I can't handle you being
a knobhead today, like.
112
00:06:08,580 --> 00:06:10,610
I'm sensing that maybe
you're needing
113
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,570
a bit of conflict
resolution here,
114
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,530
so maybe I'll just step
out for a minute, yeah?
115
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,650
Yeah, you take as many
minutes as you like
116
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:19,650
and don't be afraid to turn them
into hours or for ever!
117
00:06:19,660 --> 00:06:22,170
Gervaise!
I'm warning you.
118
00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:24,530
Right! If you two are
having a barney,
119
00:06:24,540 --> 00:06:26,380
I'm going to take
the bins out.
120
00:06:30,580 --> 00:06:34,090
What's this about? Is it the stress
of the album that's getting to you?
121
00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:38,170
Oh, no, I'm brilliant.
Therefore, my album is brilliant.
122
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:40,810
I mean, why did you invite
Lindsay to my final mix down?
123
00:06:40,820 --> 00:06:43,770
Because he's an amazing
and sophisticated musician.
124
00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:46,490
And he's bringing
loads of studio experience.
125
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:49,530
I've asked Denise to come
and all, she's bringing...
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00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:51,650
crisps.
127
00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:55,090
Are you jealous of Lindsay?
What's bothering you?
128
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:58,090
Is it his talents, his brains
or his looks? It's all them things.
129
00:06:58,100 --> 00:07:00,010
Well, not in that order, but, yes.
130
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:03,170
The thing I really don't like is
the way he makes you? What?
131
00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:04,930
A bigger person?
132
00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:09,490
Because if you loved me, Gervaise,
you'd be all about a bigger me.
133
00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:11,340
And I'd appreciate a bigger you!
134
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:17,330
So, what you're really saying is
you're looking for something
135
00:07:17,340 --> 00:07:19,450
to make this place
stand out, aren't you?
136
00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:21,650
That's why I am having
the stage revamped.
137
00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:25,130
Oi, Fat Keith, me mural is going to
be finished for tonight, isn't it?
138
00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:28,330
Of course it is. And it's not
Fat Keith, it's Big Keith.
139
00:07:28,340 --> 00:07:31,210
And what's the best way
to make this a local hotspot
140
00:07:31,220 --> 00:07:32,820
while increasing your takings?
141
00:07:34,140 --> 00:07:36,940
Set it on fire
and claim on the insurance? No.
142
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:42,140
Competitively-priced cupcakes.
Try one.
143
00:07:48,980 --> 00:07:50,580
That's nice.
144
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:55,090
I don't think people are going to
have cupcakes with beer, though.
145
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:57,100
Really? I wonder...
146
00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:03,740
Ramsey? Aye? Fancy a cupcake
with your pint? Oh, aye.
147
00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:10,300
They are free, aren't they? You
fancy a cupcake, love? Aye, why not?
148
00:08:11,860 --> 00:08:14,490
See, the market's crying out for it.
149
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:17,060
I'll have one as well, like.
Thought you might, pet.
150
00:08:18,380 --> 00:08:22,020
Well, for better or for worse,
these are me clientele.
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00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:24,900
Go on, I'll take 300.
152
00:08:25,900 --> 00:08:27,690
300 for tonight?
153
00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:29,410
That won't be a problem, will it?
154
00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:32,770
No, no, of course not.
I'll get me workforce right onto it.
155
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:34,610
I thought you said
they were home-made.
156
00:08:34,620 --> 00:08:37,100
Yes, that's right,
it's a home-made workforce.
157
00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:40,650
Oh...
158
00:08:40,660 --> 00:08:43,340
Would you let us keep me
dinner down just bloody once?
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00:08:48,540 --> 00:08:49,860
Oh, lad.
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00:08:56,380 --> 00:08:58,690
The little bastard.
161
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:03,450
RELAXATION CD: Having a baby is the
most natural thing in the world.
162
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,610
Don't be terrified.
163
00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:07,210
SHE SOBS
164
00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:11,210
Vicki! How did you get in?
I've got a spare key.
165
00:09:11,220 --> 00:09:14,900
Don't make a big thing about it!
I'm all over the place.
166
00:09:16,460 --> 00:09:18,810
I've come for a right good cry!
167
00:09:18,820 --> 00:09:21,570
RELAXATION CD: Everything's good.
168
00:09:21,580 --> 00:09:25,610
Right, mix faster, faster!
It's nearly three and we're not
169
00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:27,930
even halfway done yet. Oh!
170
00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:32,570
Why did you promise her 300? Greed,
that's why. Going to send me
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00:09:32,580 --> 00:09:36,450
to an early grave and all
for nothing but a few pennies profit
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00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:38,210
on a tiny cake.
173
00:09:38,220 --> 00:09:40,970
If I'd known that's all it took,
I would have done this ages ago.
174
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:43,970
Honestly, I bet Mr Kipling doesn't
get this much lip off his workforce.
175
00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:45,690
And go!
176
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,620
I'm proper torn, like.
177
00:09:49,060 --> 00:09:53,330
Let's look at Gervaise - his good
points and his bad points.
178
00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:56,860
Well...there's his looks...
179
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,810
..his sense of style.
180
00:10:00,820 --> 00:10:02,530
His voice.
181
00:10:02,540 --> 00:10:05,570
When are we going to get to his good
points? Sarah, this
182
00:10:05,580 --> 00:10:08,850
is important. I've been going out
with him on and off and then
183
00:10:08,860 --> 00:10:11,410
on and off again and then off twice
then back on for the last
184
00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:13,330
three years.
185
00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:14,610
Bad points.
186
00:10:14,620 --> 00:10:19,130
He's a mardy little shit if you try
to executive produce his album.
187
00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:21,820
And then, sometimes,
when I'm with him...
188
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:25,380
..he treats us
like I don't even exist.
189
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:29,810
So, why are we interviewing
Gervaise again?
190
00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:33,170
Because, on a slow news week,
"Pillock Records Album" is
191
00:10:33,180 --> 00:10:35,210
actually worthy of a few
column inches.
192
00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:39,450
Aye, well, if he starts singing it,
you're on your own. How, man.
193
00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:42,010
If it isn't Tyneside's own
Piers Morgan(!)
194
00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:46,050
Whoa, now that is slander. Run
along. Right, I'll just go and get
195
00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:48,580
myself set up. Hmm. Stay.
196
00:10:51,420 --> 00:10:54,330
Oh! How did you get
a copy of that?! It was in that bin.
197
00:10:54,340 --> 00:10:57,740
I was sick all over your face.
Reminded me of the good times.
198
00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:02,020
Sarah know about this? Come on,
then, what do you want? Oh...
199
00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:06,890
..girl can want a lot of things,
Jack.
200
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:10,060
Maybe...one last night of
passion...?
201
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:15,610
Doubt if Sarah will do all
the things I used to do to you.
202
00:11:15,620 --> 00:11:18,450
I can do them all again tonight.
203
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:22,650
Plus two new things.
One I learnt at Sexy Zumba.
204
00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:25,290
And another I saw on
Game Of Thrones. Well, if that's me
205
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:28,010
only option, then I'm definitely
going to tell her.
206
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:29,490
Right answer!
207
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:30,610
SHE CHUCKLES
208
00:11:30,620 --> 00:11:36,370
Just a little test, Jackie. You see,
me and your lass have become close,
209
00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:40,010
just as mates. So, I'm not going to
tell her what you did.
210
00:11:40,020 --> 00:11:42,530
Cos it will break her little heart.
Oh, thank God for that.
211
00:11:42,540 --> 00:11:45,650
You're going to tell her. What?!
You've got to sort things out,
212
00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:49,050
Jack. I read this - you're making
her look like a total psycho.
213
00:11:49,060 --> 00:11:51,250
Well, maybe I just attract
that kind, Denise.
214
00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:54,250
Are you calling me a psycho?
You'd better not be calling me a
215
00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:58,090
psycho, if you're calling me
a psycho I will show you a psycho.
216
00:11:58,100 --> 00:12:00,020
Now, Lindsay - pros...
217
00:12:01,060 --> 00:12:02,460
Well...
218
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,260
..he's good-looking.
219
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,620
And gorgeous.
220
00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:11,540
And handsome.
221
00:12:13,740 --> 00:12:15,780
And he helps us grow as a person.
222
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:19,060
And he treats us proper nice.
223
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:22,300
And when I'm with him...
224
00:12:23,860 --> 00:12:26,220
..I know I definitely exist.
225
00:12:27,740 --> 00:12:28,780
And...
226
00:12:29,780 --> 00:12:32,420
..he's posh like you. Sorry?
227
00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:37,220
Well, now I know why our Jack likes
being with a posh person.
228
00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:40,650
I remember him saying...
229
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:41,890
SHE SNIFFS
230
00:12:41,900 --> 00:12:45,260
"It's like putting your Aldi
shopping in a Marksie's bag."
231
00:12:46,740 --> 00:12:48,540
LINDSAY SNIFFS
232
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:56,290
So, what are you saying
with this album?
233
00:12:56,300 --> 00:13:01,130
Huh, Jackie, I'm not saying anything.
I'm singing.
234
00:13:01,140 --> 00:13:03,690
Aye, in the loosest
sense of the word.
235
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:06,890
Right, I'm going for me lunch.
Yous better go outside.
236
00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:10,050
Oh, for God's sake, Eric! Can't you
see I'm schmoozing the press?!
237
00:13:10,060 --> 00:13:14,930
Whoa! Nobody mention schmoozing
to me. I don't want to schmooze.
238
00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:16,530
What's schmoozing?
239
00:13:16,540 --> 00:13:19,370
If you're not going outside,
I'm going to have to lock you in for
240
00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:21,900
half an hour. Big deal!
Just do it, bell end!
241
00:13:24,140 --> 00:13:26,370
Look, I'm not an idiot.
242
00:13:26,380 --> 00:13:29,850
I don't think my music can heal all
the world's problems,
243
00:13:29,860 --> 00:13:32,740
but I do think it can make them
irrelevant.
244
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:37,610
Eric is definitely coming back,
isn't he?
245
00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:38,660
God, I hope so.
246
00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:41,770
I tell you another thing,
247
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:44,050
when I look at Lindsay,
248
00:13:44,060 --> 00:13:46,410
he really gets me motor running.
249
00:13:46,420 --> 00:13:49,650
I'm talking proper fizzy knickers,
like.
250
00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:51,290
Oh, that's...
251
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:52,660
romantic.
252
00:13:53,860 --> 00:13:55,290
DOORBELL RINGS
253
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:59,060
Oh, that will be Denise, we're going
to do our antenatal exercises.
254
00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:03,970
Oh. Hiya. How did you get in?
255
00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:07,330
It's not exactly Fort Knox, flower.
Anyway, I rang the bell, didn't I?
256
00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:09,580
I'm not rude. You all right, Vic?
257
00:14:10,620 --> 00:14:12,490
Vicki's having a dilemma.
258
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,450
Well, why didn't you come to me?
259
00:14:14,460 --> 00:14:16,490
I've always listened
to your problems.
260
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:18,570
Sorry, Denise, I just thought
261
00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:21,050
Sarah would be a bit more sensitive.
262
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,500
Sensitive...? I'm sensitive.
263
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:27,500
Oh. I cried at the end
of Terminator Two, didn't I?
264
00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:31,730
Away, tell Denise all about it.
265
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,130
Well...
266
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:36,170
I feel like I might need to
choose between Lindsay and...
267
00:14:36,180 --> 00:14:39,410
Dump Gervaise, get pissed,
shag the Scottish lad. Done!
268
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,580
Denise, it's not that simple.
269
00:14:42,780 --> 00:14:47,020
No, actually, it is that simple.
Right, let's do our pelvic floors.
270
00:14:48,540 --> 00:14:51,620
And three, two, one...go.
271
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:56,250
BOTH EXHALE
272
00:14:56,260 --> 00:14:59,340
And again.
Three, two, one...
273
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:06,170
Hey, look at the state of us.
274
00:15:06,180 --> 00:15:09,730
What would Lindsay think? Denise,
have you got any foundation?
275
00:15:09,740 --> 00:15:11,730
STIFLED: In me bag, help yourself.
276
00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:12,940
BOTH EXHALE
277
00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:15,980
Eee, what's this?
278
00:15:17,420 --> 00:15:20,610
Our Jack? No, it's nowt, man,
just put it back.
279
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,260
Give me that, please, Vicki.
280
00:15:24,820 --> 00:15:26,530
What is this?!
281
00:15:26,540 --> 00:15:30,210
So, hold on, you, the man that
talent forgot, want to be
282
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:34,530
more successful than Michael Jackson
and Beyonce put together?
283
00:15:34,540 --> 00:15:36,650
That's stage one of the plan, yeah.
284
00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:39,970
Then, would you move out of Hebburn,
like? Oh, aye.
285
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,210
Or Gateshead at the very least.
286
00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:43,980
PHONE RINGS
287
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:50,170
Hello, gorgeous. I'm interviewing
a combination of Jacko and Beyonce -
288
00:15:50,180 --> 00:15:52,050
white man with a big arse.
289
00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:56,450
Jack, why am I reading about myself
in a national newspaper?
290
00:15:56,460 --> 00:15:59,970
Oh, right, hold on. I can sense that
you're getting a little bit
291
00:15:59,980 --> 00:16:02,610
annoyed... Little bit annoyed!
292
00:16:02,620 --> 00:16:06,010
Everyone, and I mean everyone
we know is going to read this.
293
00:16:06,020 --> 00:16:09,090
I'm furious, I'm absolutely furious.
I'm so angry that...
294
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:12,370
WATER RUNNING
295
00:16:12,380 --> 00:16:13,810
..I've wet myself.
296
00:16:13,820 --> 00:16:16,650
'Are you happy?
You've made me so angry'
297
00:16:16,660 --> 00:16:19,690
that I have wet myself!
Hang on a minute.
298
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:22,610
That's not wee. I work in an old
folk's home, I know all about wee.
299
00:16:22,620 --> 00:16:24,570
I think your waters have broken.
300
00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:25,930
Hah! Did you hear that?
301
00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:28,010
'My waters have broken!'
302
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:30,330
My...my waters have broken?
303
00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:33,210
No, no, no. They can't.
I've still got two months to go yet.
304
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:36,530
Oh, my God, Sarah, I'm so sorry!
Hold on, baby, I'm on me way.
305
00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:39,010
I'll ring you back in two minutes.
306
00:16:39,020 --> 00:16:40,170
The door's locked.
307
00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:41,650
HE YELLS: The door's locked!
308
00:16:41,660 --> 00:16:44,730
Aye, do you not remember?
Chuckles said he had to lock up.
309
00:16:44,740 --> 00:16:48,170
I often find this time useful to
meditate or work on designs
310
00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:50,890
for my stage outfits. Meditate!
You'll be meditating yourself
311
00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:52,730
a new set of teeth in a minute, son.
312
00:16:52,740 --> 00:16:55,300
Get Eric down here
and get that door open now!
313
00:16:57,580 --> 00:16:59,370
What are you doing?!
314
00:16:59,380 --> 00:17:03,010
What are we going to do?
I wish Lindsay was here, he'd know.
315
00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:05,250
He's given birth to
a lamb in a stream.
316
00:17:05,260 --> 00:17:08,010
Vicki, you're going to have to drive
her to the hospital.
317
00:17:08,020 --> 00:17:09,730
What?! Why me?!
318
00:17:09,740 --> 00:17:12,850
Why me? Because, genius,
you're the only one with a car and
319
00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:14,250
Aqua Vet isn't here.
320
00:17:14,260 --> 00:17:17,770
What happens if her waters break
again on me upholstery?
321
00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:20,370
What if I crash?
What if she has the baby in the car?
322
00:17:20,380 --> 00:17:21,780
I haven't got a car seat!
323
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:25,490
Vicki...you're me best mate,
324
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:27,530
and what I'm going to say to you now
325
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:30,580
I've been needing to say
since the first day we met.
326
00:17:31,940 --> 00:17:35,300
Get. Your shit. Together!
327
00:17:36,820 --> 00:17:39,250
Ah, well said. Now let's go!
328
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:42,850
Right! Open the car, open the car!
I can't find my keys!
329
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,330
Use the clicker, man.
I took it off because it doesn't go
330
00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:46,540
with the other keys!
331
00:17:50,420 --> 00:17:52,330
Right, focus, focus, focus!
332
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:54,090
WINDOW BANGS
333
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:56,980
Now open this side, you daft tart.
Right, sorry.
334
00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:04,690
Right, go, go, go!
I'm doing it, I'm doing it!
335
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:08,090
We're not moving!
Just start the car and drive, man!
336
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:10,410
Will you stop shouting at us?!
337
00:18:10,420 --> 00:18:13,570
I'm in proper turmoil at the minute!
338
00:18:13,580 --> 00:18:15,290
What? Well, I'm thinking -
339
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:17,890
"Isn't it weird that it would be
better if Lindsay was here?"
340
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:21,010
Not Gervaise. What do yous think?
I think we can all agree that would
341
00:18:21,020 --> 00:18:23,450
be better if Lindsay
was here because he could drive
342
00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:25,930
and you'd be free to
feel my foot up your arse!
343
00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:30,610
Ahh! God, it hurts! Can we go?!
Sarah, Sarah, look at us.
344
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:33,090
Everything is going to be all right.
345
00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:34,570
Please, now!
346
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:37,450
Right, well, I'll just have to
rush me pre-flight checks.
347
00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:40,890
Seatbelt, mirror, mascara,
boobs looking lush.
348
00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:42,930
Right, then, let's drive...
349
00:18:42,940 --> 00:18:44,740
TYRES SQUEAL AND ENGINE ROARS
350
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,450
Eric, you've got to come back,
it's an emergency.
351
00:18:50,460 --> 00:18:53,810
Yes, I was wrong to call you a bell
end. You have no bell-end qualities
352
00:18:53,820 --> 00:18:55,410
whatsoever.
353
00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:56,890
Aye...
354
00:18:56,900 --> 00:19:00,010
Yes, I'm the bell end.
355
00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:01,530
Come on.
356
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:04,850
And my album is...shite. Come on.
357
00:19:04,860 --> 00:19:07,500
Please come back! He's on his way.
358
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:12,700
I...think. Thanks. Thanks.
359
00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:18,170
Someone get us a doctor! Or yous are
all going to need a doctor.
360
00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:20,930
In here, in here. Reverse. Reverse.
361
00:19:20,940 --> 00:19:23,250
Jack! Where are you now?!
362
00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:27,290
I'm...I'm... Oh, I'm still in the
recording studio. 'What?!'
363
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,610
The door's locked, we can't get out.
But don't worry.
364
00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:32,570
I've got the best brains in Hebburn
on the case and they've worked
365
00:19:32,580 --> 00:19:34,690
out a plan of action.
366
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,050
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
367
00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:37,850
Now, look, you're going to have
to push.
368
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:40,330
SHE SOBS
I don't want to!
369
00:19:40,340 --> 00:19:45,970
It's not ready yet! I have to keep
the baby inside until Jack gets here!
370
00:19:45,980 --> 00:19:49,450
Look, the baby wants to come out
now. One big push.
371
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:51,180
Right down your bottom.
372
00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:55,170
Ahh!
373
00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:56,450
SHE SHRIEKS
374
00:19:56,460 --> 00:20:00,130
I'm never, ever coming off the pill,
like, ever.
375
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:02,450
SOBBING: I'm scared! I want Jack!
376
00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:04,650
Jack's on his way but look at us,
377
00:20:04,660 --> 00:20:07,850
look at us. You've got me,
all right? And I'm going to
378
00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:10,530
be with you every step of the way,
lass.
379
00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:14,210
And Vicki is...
I need some Cheryl, right now, like.
380
00:20:14,220 --> 00:20:17,500
..also in the room.
OK, one more big push.
381
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:23,130
SHE SCREAMS
382
00:20:23,140 --> 00:20:24,890
Nurse?
383
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:26,130
It's me daughter-in-law,
384
00:20:26,140 --> 00:20:28,530
she's been brought in,
she's a bit premature, like,
385
00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:31,340
I've got cakes... Mam...?
386
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,610
How is she? How's the bairn?
The baby's through there, they've
387
00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:39,250
got it in one of those little
greenhouses. All right.
388
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:42,570
I tell you what, seeing that bairn
come into the world, it makes
389
00:20:42,580 --> 00:20:44,330
you think, when I have mine
390
00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:47,090
I'm going to have all
the drugs they've got.
391
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:50,130
I might even see about bringing
in some of me own.
392
00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:54,090
You all right, pet. Eee, Dad. For me
birthday, can I get me tubes tied?
393
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:56,530
DOOR OPENS
My wife, my wife's here, where is she?
394
00:20:56,540 --> 00:20:59,410
Hang on, hang on, I'll deal with
this. Where do you keep the babies?
395
00:20:59,420 --> 00:21:02,610
Jack, here! Mum! Where's Sarah?
They're through here, pet,
396
00:21:02,620 --> 00:21:04,970
they're saying they're both fine.
397
00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:09,250
Kept us waiting, never been offered
a cup of tea, flu injection,
398
00:21:09,260 --> 00:21:11,530
nothing. Right, well,
I'd better...I'd better...
399
00:21:11,540 --> 00:21:14,530
Hang on, Jackie, Jackie. Whoa.
Untwist your knickers, son.
400
00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:16,770
Sarah and that little
baby are going to need you now.
401
00:21:16,780 --> 00:21:19,490
You're right, cheers, mate.
Thank you.
402
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:22,290
And you were right about not telling
Sarah about the book as well.
403
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:23,580
No...
404
00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:26,380
You little...
405
00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:30,890
Sarah, I'm so, so sorry. I took
the book deal out thinking I didn't
406
00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:33,530
want to upset you cos you were
pregnant but I wasn't going to
407
00:21:33,540 --> 00:21:36,170
keep it as a secret forever,
just until you'd had the baby.
408
00:21:36,180 --> 00:21:39,210
Look...they didn't print any of the
positive stuff, just the bad stuff.
409
00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:40,450
Listen, right, listen...
410
00:21:40,460 --> 00:21:43,130
"It's amazing watching Sarah
begin to blossom
411
00:21:43,140 --> 00:21:46,490
"into motherhood. Mind,
she's become proper mardy about it."
412
00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:49,090
That's probably not the best
example. Shh, shh.
413
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,330
Jack...
What?
414
00:21:51,340 --> 00:21:52,940
Look...
415
00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:55,940
..we have a son.
416
00:22:02,460 --> 00:22:04,020
Is he...is he going to be...?
417
00:22:05,380 --> 00:22:07,570
They don't know yet.
418
00:22:07,580 --> 00:22:08,900
See how he goes.
419
00:22:10,420 --> 00:22:11,500
He's so small.
420
00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:13,780
I know.
421
00:22:15,380 --> 00:22:19,220
It's my fault. It's all my fault!
Jack, Jack, look at me.
422
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:24,570
There's something that I've wanted to
say to you for a really long time.
423
00:22:24,580 --> 00:22:25,820
Oh, I love you too! No...
424
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:28,980
What I needed to say is...
425
00:22:30,620 --> 00:22:35,090
Get. Your shit. Together. What?
426
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:38,210
Our son needs someone he can look up
to. Not someone who writes secret
427
00:22:38,220 --> 00:22:40,850
books and feels like he can't share
anything with his wife
428
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:43,570
because he's worried that
she'll get angry.
429
00:22:43,580 --> 00:22:47,690
You did go well mental, like. Yes,
and I probably will again.
430
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:49,930
Will you? Loads of times.
431
00:22:49,940 --> 00:22:52,450
And probably over nothing at all.
432
00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:55,410
Well, that's something to look
forward to, then!
433
00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:56,660
Come here.
434
00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:04,770
Here's to Jack's new bairn!
435
00:23:04,780 --> 00:23:06,650
CHEERING
436
00:23:06,660 --> 00:23:09,050
Aren't the parents supposed to be
here when you do that?
437
00:23:09,060 --> 00:23:11,490
I'm not a stickler for tradition,
mate.
438
00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:12,540
DOOR OPENS
439
00:23:14,420 --> 00:23:16,850
Where have you been?
I've been phoning you all day.
440
00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:19,970
I've been helping to give birth to
Jack and Sarah's new baby.
441
00:23:19,980 --> 00:23:21,650
Well, sort of.
442
00:23:21,660 --> 00:23:23,130
WOMAN CLEARS THROAT
443
00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:27,410
Welcome, everybody, to the
unveiling of our new stage
444
00:23:27,420 --> 00:23:29,730
here at Swayze's!
445
00:23:29,740 --> 00:23:31,860
CHEERING
446
00:23:32,860 --> 00:23:36,050
Look, we need to talk...
447
00:23:36,060 --> 00:23:38,650
I'm not a talker, I'm a singer.
448
00:23:38,660 --> 00:23:42,930
Thanks to Pauline Pearson
for the delish cupcakes!
449
00:23:42,940 --> 00:23:45,130
CHEERING
450
00:23:45,140 --> 00:23:49,140
Listen, I've been doing
a lot of thinking...
451
00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:52,090
..and growing as a person.
452
00:23:52,100 --> 00:23:55,140
Oh! That's Lindsay talking!
No, it's me.
453
00:23:56,180 --> 00:23:57,450
I'm talking.
454
00:23:57,460 --> 00:23:59,850
The new centrepiece of Swayze's!
455
00:23:59,860 --> 00:24:01,570
CHEERING
456
00:24:01,580 --> 00:24:04,970
I need to say something to you.
I just think it's time that we...
457
00:24:04,980 --> 00:24:08,410
Big Keith, will you do the honours,
please, flower?
458
00:24:08,420 --> 00:24:10,290
..broke up.
459
00:24:10,300 --> 00:24:12,010
DRUM ROLL
460
00:24:12,020 --> 00:24:14,380
CHEERING
461
00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:17,940
I'm sorry.
462
00:24:19,460 --> 00:24:21,500
MUSIC: "S Club Party"
by S Club 7
463
00:24:24,580 --> 00:24:25,620
Vicki...
464
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:28,540
..wait...
465
00:24:32,460 --> 00:24:37,370
Lindsay, what are you doing here?
I thought I'd just pop down for a...
466
00:24:37,380 --> 00:24:40,410
Hey, hey, what's wrong?
467
00:24:40,420 --> 00:24:41,780
I've done it.
468
00:24:43,060 --> 00:24:45,010
I've dumped Gervaise.
469
00:24:45,020 --> 00:24:46,970
God, are you OK?
470
00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:49,050
I'll be fine.
471
00:24:49,060 --> 00:24:51,820
I think I can feel myself
growing some more.
472
00:24:53,220 --> 00:24:54,890
Listen...
473
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:57,970
Er...if you are single...
474
00:24:57,980 --> 00:25:01,730
I couldn't live with myself
if I didn't say that after you've
475
00:25:01,740 --> 00:25:05,610
had some time and done the relevant
healing, it be my honour...
476
00:25:05,620 --> 00:25:07,530
Shut up, man!
477
00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:08,940
Get on this...
478
00:25:13,620 --> 00:25:15,930
Oh...
479
00:25:15,940 --> 00:25:19,770
He's absolutely gorgeous.
480
00:25:19,780 --> 00:25:21,380
(You can't stop staring.)
481
00:25:22,940 --> 00:25:26,700
Oh, me first little grandbairn.
482
00:25:27,980 --> 00:25:33,580
And, more importantly,
my first great-grandbairn.
483
00:25:35,900 --> 00:25:40,650
Howay, they've had enough tears
today, these two.
484
00:25:40,660 --> 00:25:42,260
Have you decided on a name yet?
485
00:25:45,220 --> 00:25:47,450
Mam, Dad...meet Anthony.
486
00:25:47,460 --> 00:25:49,090
Anthony!
487
00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:50,300
Oh, that's lovely!
488
00:25:51,540 --> 00:25:53,850
Anthony Joseph.
489
00:25:53,860 --> 00:25:57,250
Joseph?!
Aw, they've named him after you, Joe!
490
00:25:57,260 --> 00:26:00,810
Aye, great. Now, now, no tears!
491
00:26:00,820 --> 00:26:03,290
They've had enough today,
haven't they?
492
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:04,900
SHE CHUCKLES
493
00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:18,850
I know I did you wrong, Vicki.
I know I let my talent get in the way
494
00:26:18,860 --> 00:26:23,100
of the magic that we shared but I vow
this - I shall win you back.
495
00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:29,780
HE SPITS
496
00:26:30,820 --> 00:26:33,130
So, how does it feel being a dad?
497
00:26:33,140 --> 00:26:35,490
I didn't want to say
anything in front of Sarah, but
498
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:38,610
I'm terrified. I mean...
499
00:26:38,620 --> 00:26:41,170
what if he doesn't make it?
What if something happens to him?
500
00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:42,530
JOE CHUCKLES
501
00:26:42,540 --> 00:26:45,490
Oh, that's funny now, is it? Son...
502
00:26:45,500 --> 00:26:49,570
All that that you're feeling now,
all that worry and all that dread...
503
00:26:49,580 --> 00:26:53,530
Yeah?..you're going to feel that
every single second for ever.
504
00:26:53,540 --> 00:26:55,490
Happiest day of me life.
505
00:26:55,500 --> 00:26:58,330
He'll be the last thing you worry
about at night and the first thing
506
00:26:58,340 --> 00:27:00,330
you worry about in the morning.
507
00:27:00,340 --> 00:27:03,250
And then, before you know it...you'll
be paying for holidays
508
00:27:03,260 --> 00:27:05,130
you don't want to go on.
509
00:27:05,140 --> 00:27:07,850
There will be Christmases
where you don't get any presents
510
00:27:07,860 --> 00:27:10,730
and birthdays where you just
stand in a corner and watch.
511
00:27:10,740 --> 00:27:13,970
And the only time he'll truly
understand how much you worry
512
00:27:13,980 --> 00:27:16,690
about him is
when you're stood here with him
513
00:27:16,700 --> 00:27:18,180
like I'm stood here with you now.
514
00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:27,570
BABY CRIES
515
00:27:27,580 --> 00:27:30,050
And thank your lucky stars
you had a boy.
516
00:27:30,060 --> 00:27:33,330
Cos girls never leave home
and they cost you a fortune.
517
00:27:33,340 --> 00:27:34,650
Joe?
518
00:27:34,660 --> 00:27:37,650
I've just had Vicki on the phone -
she wants 20 quid for a takeaway
519
00:27:37,660 --> 00:27:41,290
for her and Lindsay.
Very lucky you had a boy.
520
00:27:41,300 --> 00:27:44,010
Sarah's asleep. They said
we should go home and come back
521
00:27:44,020 --> 00:27:46,290
and do some more
staring in the morning.
522
00:27:46,300 --> 00:27:49,570
Howay, your mum's out front flirting
with the taxi driver.
523
00:27:49,580 --> 00:27:53,050
I might just stay and stare a bit
longer. Oh. See if he does anything.
524
00:27:53,060 --> 00:27:55,410
He won't. I know.
525
00:27:55,420 --> 00:27:59,530
And don't worry about his little
face, it'll settle down eventually.
526
00:27:59,540 --> 00:28:03,740
Yours did, more or less!
See you, pet.
527
00:28:03,790 --> 00:28:08,340
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