Original subtitles

Look at that - the first chapter of my book

published in a national newspaper.

I did a photocopy for me dad this morning, he was so chuffed.

This is one of the most important supplements going.

Nah, it's cod-liver oil you're thinking about, mate.

So, happiest day of your life? No, scariest day of me life. How?

Cos that's about his missus going mental cos she's up the duff, isn't it?

When she finds out, she's going to go fully psycho, like. Really?

Oh, aye, Sarah's going to cut his knackers off.

Or a more polite way of saying it may be that my pregnant wife's

hormone imbalance has caused her to become somewhat unpredictable.

So, discovering I've published her every move with our real names

may well exacerbate her situation...

..causing her to cut me knackers off.

The Telegraph. So, what's all that about then?

Hold on, you work in newspapers and you've never heard of it?

I work in newspapers, I've never heard of it neither.

Of course. No-one in Hebburn bothers with the broadsheets.

Sarah might never find out.

I mean, no-one bothers with our paper and it's about them.

I had to order this one in! I bet you no-one around here

would even dream of reading it.

Show us page three and I'll tell you.

"Environment Secretary questions new EU ruling."

Nah, I'll give it a miss, like.

"Week four and Sarah's mood's in direct proportion to the

"amount of melted Haagen Daz she's able to drink from a pint glass."

Ho-ho!

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it!

Aye, aye.

Hi! Hiya, Sarah.

Oh, look at you, all lovely and fat.

Pregnant. Well, pregnant's just an excuse, though, isn't it?

Howay in, pet.

Dad! It's our Sarah.

Oh, man! No pockets.

Right, burn it.

Do I smell burning? Burning? I don't know, can you? I can't.

Coffee?

Erm, tea, please. Good.

Coffee?

Erm... Tea, please.

Good.

Hope you don't mind me just calling in.

It's just since handing in my PhD, I've been so bored.

Waiting for this little one to stop kickboxing my bladder

and make his or her appearance.

You want to enjoy the boredom, flower,

it'll all change when the baby's here.

This is the calm before the storm.

Before the tsunami of crying, nappies, potty training...

"Daddy's got me toy." "Dad, can I have a pound for me pocket money?"

"Dad, can I have ten quid for the cinema?"

"Dad, I've just met this lovely lad. He's lush and he's a singer..."

Until eventually...

Dad, can I have 20 quid for the pub later on?

Aye, me wallet's over there, you know the combination.

Can I smell burning? No.

No, I think I can. You can't. Are you going to college?

No, I'm going to the recording studio.

We're doing the final mixes for Gervaise's album.

The sound engineer says he's done everything

he can to make it sound decent and he can't do any more.

Surely you don't need to turn up?

Dad, I'm the executive producer.

Turning up is the main thing that I do.

What if I want to go down the pub? Well, you can't, can you?

Remember what the doctor said.

You can only go to the pub

when you're able to walk there on your own.

Ta-ra! Aye, the being on me own part's

the thing I'm looking forward to the most.

I reckon this is the thing that I'm most proud of.

Gan get it shredded, man.

I can't. I can't just destroy it.

If you ask me, your biggest achievement was convincing

that posh lass to marry you. That's what you don't want to destroy.

Thanks for that, Jolly Green Geordie.

I suppose you're right, like. Get it shredded, man.

The first rule of a happy marriage - destroy all incriminating evidence.

OK.

Nah, I cannae do it, I cannae do it.

You want to get some product on that, boss.

Look, Jack, with all due respect, it's a bit distracting,

we're trying to get something done here. Aye, I'm about the do his mouth.

One false slip and he'll give us Bell's palsy.

OK. Here we go.

Say goodbye to the only copy in Hebburn.

HE MOUTHS ALONG ? There's something deep up Inside of me

? Won't you reach in and touch it? ?

Yeah, well, it's blatantly fabulous.

Don't you think it sounds like you've got prostate cancer? What?

"There's something deep up Inside of me

"Won't you reach in and touch it?"

Isn't this a song for proctologists?

It's a song for people of all nationalities.

You all right?

Hey, guys.

Oh, God, not this prick. Hiya, babes.

So, how's it going?

Vicki said that you might value my input in the final mix.

I don't want to interfere...

So, what you working on?

Lips Looks Like Legs, Looks Like Love.

Sounds like shite.

I doubt that, we're making magic here, Gervaise, yeah. Oh, yeah.

"Magic."

Is this your card?

Are you being a knobhead?

I can't handle you being a knobhead today, like.

I'm sensing that maybe you're needing

a bit of conflict resolution here,

so maybe I'll just step out for a minute, yeah?

Yeah, you take as many minutes as you like

and don't be afraid to turn them into hours or for ever!

Gervaise! I'm warning you.

Right! If you two are having a barney,

I'm going to take the bins out.

What's this about? Is it the stress of the album that's getting to you?

Oh, no, I'm brilliant. Therefore, my album is brilliant.

I mean, why did you invite Lindsay to my final mix down?

Because he's an amazing and sophisticated musician.

And he's bringing loads of studio experience.

I've asked Denise to come and all, she's bringing...

crisps.

Are you jealous of Lindsay? What's bothering you?

Is it his talents, his brains or his looks? It's all them things.

Well, not in that order, but, yes.

The thing I really don't like is the way he makes you? What?

A bigger person?

Because if you loved me, Gervaise, you'd be all about a bigger me.

And I'd appreciate a bigger you!

So, what you're really saying is you're looking for something

to make this place stand out, aren't you?

That's why I am having the stage revamped.

Oi, Fat Keith, me mural is going to be finished for tonight, isn't it?

Of course it is. And it's not Fat Keith, it's Big Keith.

And what's the best way to make this a local hotspot

while increasing your takings?

Set it on fire and claim on the insurance? No.

Competitively-priced cupcakes. Try one.

That's nice.

I don't think people are going to have cupcakes with beer, though.

Really? I wonder...

Ramsey? Aye? Fancy a cupcake with your pint? Oh, aye.

They are free, aren't they? You fancy a cupcake, love? Aye, why not?

See, the market's crying out for it.

I'll have one as well, like. Thought you might, pet.

Well, for better or for worse, these are me clientele.

Go on, I'll take 300.

300 for tonight?

That won't be a problem, will it?

No, no, of course not. I'll get me workforce right onto it.

I thought you said they were home-made.

Yes, that's right, it's a home-made workforce.

Oh...

Would you let us keep me dinner down just bloody once?

Oh, lad.

The little bastard.

RELAXATION CD: Having a baby is the most natural thing in the world.

Don't be terrified.

SHE SOBS

Vicki! How did you get in? I've got a spare key.

Don't make a big thing about it! I'm all over the place.

I've come for a right good cry!

RELAXATION CD: Everything's good.

Right, mix faster, faster! It's nearly three and we're not

even halfway done yet. Oh!

Why did you promise her 300? Greed, that's why. Going to send me

to an early grave and all for nothing but a few pennies profit

on a tiny cake.

If I'd known that's all it took, I would have done this ages ago.

Honestly, I bet Mr Kipling doesn't get this much lip off his workforce.

And go!

I'm proper torn, like.

Let's look at Gervaise - his good points and his bad points.

Well...there's his looks...

..his sense of style.

His voice.

When are we going to get to his good points? Sarah, this

is important. I've been going out with him on and off and then

on and off again and then off twice then back on for the last

three years.

Bad points.

He's a mardy little shit if you try to executive produce his album.

And then, sometimes, when I'm with him...

..he treats us like I don't even exist.

So, why are we interviewing Gervaise again?

Because, on a slow news week, "Pillock Records Album" is

actually worthy of a few column inches.

Aye, well, if he starts singing it, you're on your own. How, man.

If it isn't Tyneside's own Piers Morgan(!)

Whoa, now that is slander. Run along. Right, I'll just go and get

myself set up. Hmm. Stay.

Oh! How did you get a copy of that?! It was in that bin.

I was sick all over your face. Reminded me of the good times.

Sarah know about this? Come on, then, what do you want? Oh...

..girl can want a lot of things, Jack.

Maybe...one last night of passion...?

Doubt if Sarah will do all the things I used to do to you.

I can do them all again tonight.

Plus two new things. One I learnt at Sexy Zumba.

And another I saw on Game Of Thrones. Well, if that's me

only option, then I'm definitely going to tell her.

Right answer!

SHE CHUCKLES

Just a little test, Jackie. You see, me and your lass have become close,

just as mates. So, I'm not going to tell her what you did.

Cos it will break her little heart. Oh, thank God for that.

You're going to tell her. What?! You've got to sort things out,

Jack. I read this - you're making her look like a total psycho.

Well, maybe I just attract that kind, Denise.

Are you calling me a psycho? You'd better not be calling me a

psycho, if you're calling me a psycho I will show you a psycho.

Now, Lindsay - pros...

Well...

..he's good-looking.

And gorgeous.

And handsome.

And he helps us grow as a person.

And he treats us proper nice.

And when I'm with him...

..I know I definitely exist.

And...

..he's posh like you. Sorry?

Well, now I know why our Jack likes being with a posh person.

I remember him saying...

SHE SNIFFS

"It's like putting your Aldi shopping in a Marksie's bag."

LINDSAY SNIFFS

So, what are you saying with this album?

Huh, Jackie, I'm not saying anything. I'm singing.

Aye, in the loosest sense of the word.

Right, I'm going for me lunch. Yous better go outside.

Oh, for God's sake, Eric! Can't you see I'm schmoozing the press?!

Whoa! Nobody mention schmoozing to me. I don't want to schmooze.

What's schmoozing?

If you're not going outside, I'm going to have to lock you in for

half an hour. Big deal! Just do it, bell end!

Look, I'm not an idiot.

I don't think my music can heal all the world's problems,

but I do think it can make them irrelevant.

Eric is definitely coming back, isn't he?

God, I hope so.

I tell you another thing,

when I look at Lindsay,

he really gets me motor running.

I'm talking proper fizzy knickers, like.

Oh, that's...

romantic.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that will be Denise, we're going to do our antenatal exercises.

Oh. Hiya. How did you get in?

It's not exactly Fort Knox, flower. Anyway, I rang the bell, didn't I?

I'm not rude. You all right, Vic?

Vicki's having a dilemma.

Well, why didn't you come to me?

I've always listened to your problems.

Sorry, Denise, I just thought

Sarah would be a bit more sensitive.

Sensitive...? I'm sensitive.

Oh. I cried at the end of Terminator Two, didn't I?

Away, tell Denise all about it.

Well...

I feel like I might need to choose between Lindsay and...

Dump Gervaise, get pissed, shag the Scottish lad. Done!

Denise, it's not that simple.

No, actually, it is that simple. Right, let's do our pelvic floors.

And three, two, one...go.

BOTH EXHALE

And again. Three, two, one...

Hey, look at the state of us.

What would Lindsay think? Denise, have you got any foundation?

STIFLED: In me bag, help yourself.

BOTH EXHALE

Eee, what's this?

Our Jack? No, it's nowt, man, just put it back.

Give me that, please, Vicki.

What is this?!

So, hold on, you, the man that talent forgot, want to be

more successful than Michael Jackson and Beyonce put together?

That's stage one of the plan, yeah.

Then, would you move out of Hebburn, like? Oh, aye.

Or Gateshead at the very least.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, gorgeous. I'm interviewing a combination of Jacko and Beyonce -

white man with a big arse.

Jack, why am I reading about myself in a national newspaper?

Oh, right, hold on. I can sense that you're getting a little bit

annoyed... Little bit annoyed!

Everyone, and I mean everyone we know is going to read this.

I'm furious, I'm absolutely furious. I'm so angry that...

WATER RUNNING

..I've wet myself.

'Are you happy? You've made me so angry'

that I have wet myself! Hang on a minute.

That's not wee. I work in an old folk's home, I know all about wee.

I think your waters have broken.

Hah! Did you hear that?

'My waters have broken!'

My...my waters have broken?

No, no, no. They can't. I've still got two months to go yet.

Oh, my God, Sarah, I'm so sorry! Hold on, baby, I'm on me way.

I'll ring you back in two minutes.

The door's locked.

HE YELLS: The door's locked!

Aye, do you not remember? Chuckles said he had to lock up.

I often find this time useful to meditate or work on designs

for my stage outfits. Meditate! You'll be meditating yourself

a new set of teeth in a minute, son.

Get Eric down here and get that door open now!

What are you doing?!

What are we going to do? I wish Lindsay was here, he'd know.

He's given birth to a lamb in a stream.

Vicki, you're going to have to drive her to the hospital.

What?! Why me?!

Why me? Because, genius, you're the only one with a car and

Aqua Vet isn't here.

What happens if her waters break again on me upholstery?

What if I crash? What if she has the baby in the car?

I haven't got a car seat!

Vicki...you're me best mate,

and what I'm going to say to you now

I've been needing to say since the first day we met.

Get. Your shit. Together!

Ah, well said. Now let's go!

Right! Open the car, open the car! I can't find my keys!

Use the clicker, man. I took it off because it doesn't go

with the other keys!

Right, focus, focus, focus!

WINDOW BANGS

Now open this side, you daft tart. Right, sorry.

Right, go, go, go! I'm doing it, I'm doing it!

We're not moving! Just start the car and drive, man!

Will you stop shouting at us?!

I'm in proper turmoil at the minute!

What? Well, I'm thinking -

"Isn't it weird that it would be better if Lindsay was here?"

Not Gervaise. What do yous think? I think we can all agree that would

be better if Lindsay was here because he could drive

and you'd be free to feel my foot up your arse!

Ahh! God, it hurts! Can we go?! Sarah, Sarah, look at us.

Everything is going to be all right.

Please, now!

Right, well, I'll just have to rush me pre-flight checks.

Seatbelt, mirror, mascara, boobs looking lush.

Right, then, let's drive...

TYRES SQUEAL AND ENGINE ROARS

Eric, you've got to come back, it's an emergency.

Yes, I was wrong to call you a bell end. You have no bell-end qualities

whatsoever.

Aye...

Yes, I'm the bell end.

Come on.

And my album is...shite. Come on.

Please come back! He's on his way.

I...think. Thanks. Thanks.

Someone get us a doctor! Or yous are all going to need a doctor.

In here, in here. Reverse. Reverse.

Jack! Where are you now?!

I'm...I'm... Oh, I'm still in the recording studio. 'What?!'

The door's locked, we can't get out. But don't worry.

I've got the best brains in Hebburn on the case and they've worked

out a plan of action.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Now, look, you're going to have to push.

SHE SOBS I don't want to!

It's not ready yet! I have to keep the baby inside until Jack gets here!

Look, the baby wants to come out now. One big push.

Right down your bottom.

Ahh!

SHE SHRIEKS

I'm never, ever coming off the pill, like, ever.

SOBBING: I'm scared! I want Jack!

Jack's on his way but look at us,

look at us. You've got me, all right? And I'm going to

be with you every step of the way, lass.

And Vicki is... I need some Cheryl, right now, like.

..also in the room. OK, one more big push.

SHE SCREAMS

Nurse?

It's me daughter-in-law,

she's been brought in, she's a bit premature, like,

I've got cakes... Mam...?

How is she? How's the bairn? The baby's through there, they've

got it in one of those little greenhouses. All right.

I tell you what, seeing that bairn come into the world, it makes

you think, when I have mine

I'm going to have all the drugs they've got.

I might even see about bringing in some of me own.

You all right, pet. Eee, Dad. For me birthday, can I get me tubes tied?

DOOR OPENS My wife, my wife's here, where is she?

Hang on, hang on, I'll deal with this. Where do you keep the babies?

Jack, here! Mum! Where's Sarah? They're through here, pet,

they're saying they're both fine.

Kept us waiting, never been offered a cup of tea, flu injection,

nothing. Right, well, I'd better...I'd better...

Hang on, Jackie, Jackie. Whoa. Untwist your knickers, son.

Sarah and that little baby are going to need you now.

You're right, cheers, mate. Thank you.

And you were right about not telling Sarah about the book as well.

No...

You little...

Sarah, I'm so, so sorry. I took the book deal out thinking I didn't

want to upset you cos you were pregnant but I wasn't going to

keep it as a secret forever, just until you'd had the baby.

Look...they didn't print any of the positive stuff, just the bad stuff.

Listen, right, listen...

"It's amazing watching Sarah begin to blossom

"into motherhood. Mind, she's become proper mardy about it."

That's probably not the best example. Shh, shh.

Jack... What?

Look...

..we have a son.

Is he...is he going to be...?

They don't know yet.

See how he goes.

He's so small.

I know.

It's my fault. It's all my fault! Jack, Jack, look at me.

There's something that I've wanted to say to you for a really long time.

Oh, I love you too! No...

What I needed to say is...

Get. Your shit. Together. What?

Our son needs someone he can look up to. Not someone who writes secret

books and feels like he can't share anything with his wife

because he's worried that she'll get angry.

You did go well mental, like. Yes, and I probably will again.

Will you? Loads of times.

And probably over nothing at all.

Well, that's something to look forward to, then!

Come here.

Here's to Jack's new bairn!

CHEERING

Aren't the parents supposed to be here when you do that?

I'm not a stickler for tradition, mate.

DOOR OPENS

Where have you been? I've been phoning you all day.

I've been helping to give birth to Jack and Sarah's new baby.

Well, sort of.

WOMAN CLEARS THROAT

Welcome, everybody, to the unveiling of our new stage

here at Swayze's!

CHEERING

Look, we need to talk...

I'm not a talker, I'm a singer.

Thanks to Pauline Pearson for the delish cupcakes!

CHEERING

Listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking...

..and growing as a person.

Oh! That's Lindsay talking! No, it's me.

I'm talking.

The new centrepiece of Swayze's!

CHEERING

I need to say something to you. I just think it's time that we...

Big Keith, will you do the honours, please, flower?

..broke up.

DRUM ROLL

CHEERING

I'm sorry.

MUSIC: "S Club Party" by S Club 7

Vicki...

..wait...

Lindsay, what are you doing here? I thought I'd just pop down for a...

Hey, hey, what's wrong?

I've done it.

I've dumped Gervaise.

God, are you OK?

I'll be fine.

I think I can feel myself growing some more.

Listen...

Er...if you are single...

I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say that after you've

had some time and done the relevant healing, it be my honour...

Shut up, man!

Get on this...

Oh...

He's absolutely gorgeous.

(You can't stop staring.)

Oh, me first little grandbairn.

And, more importantly, my first great-grandbairn.

Howay, they've had enough tears today, these two.

Have you decided on a name yet?

Mam, Dad...meet Anthony.

Anthony!

Oh, that's lovely!

Anthony Joseph.

Joseph?! Aw, they've named him after you, Joe!

Aye, great. Now, now, no tears!

They've had enough today, haven't they?

SHE CHUCKLES

I know I did you wrong, Vicki. I know I let my talent get in the way

of the magic that we shared but I vow this - I shall win you back.

HE SPITS

So, how does it feel being a dad?

I didn't want to say anything in front of Sarah, but

I'm terrified. I mean...

what if he doesn't make it? What if something happens to him?

JOE CHUCKLES

Oh, that's funny now, is it? Son...

All that that you're feeling now, all that worry and all that dread...

Yeah?..you're going to feel that every single second for ever.

Happiest day of me life.

He'll be the last thing you worry about at night and the first thing

you worry about in the morning.

And then, before you know it...you'll be paying for holidays

you don't want to go on.

There will be Christmases where you don't get any presents

and birthdays where you just stand in a corner and watch.

And the only time he'll truly understand how much you worry

about him is when you're stood here with him

like I'm stood here with you now.

BABY CRIES

And thank your lucky stars you had a boy.

Cos girls never leave home and they cost you a fortune.

Joe?

I've just had Vicki on the phone - she wants 20 quid for a takeaway

for her and Lindsay. Very lucky you had a boy.

Sarah's asleep. They said we should go home and come back

and do some more staring in the morning.

Howay, your mum's out front flirting with the taxi driver.

I might just stay and stare a bit longer. Oh. See if he does anything.

He won't. I know.

And don't worry about his little face, it'll settle down eventually.

Yours did, more or less! See you, pet.

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