All language subtitles for Hebburn s02e04 Stairway to Hebburn.eng

? Oh, Joey Boy
A slice of cheese is calling

? And a pork pie
But not a word to Pauline... ?

DOOR OPENS

Hello.

What's my favourite estate agent
doing home in daylight hours?

We're not selling our house, are we?

No, I'm not selling...anything.

Have you been crying?

Oh, Joe, it's that place,
that awful place!

The porch? What's wrong with it?

No, the estate agents!
And that Ralph.

Slimy, patronising,
point-scoring little bully.

He delights in making
my life a misery.

We should introduce him to your mam,
they'd make the perfect storm.

Aw, angel.

I feel like jacking it all in.

It would mean you'd be
less stressed.

And we'd all benefit from that.

We could start maybe using just
a spoon to cut the atmosphere.

Right, I'm off.

Where are you going?

I'm going to help Gervaise choose
a studio to record his album at.

I thought Hebburn only had
one recording studio. Aye.

That's the one
we're going to choose.

You all right, Mam?

You look sad
and it's making me feel sad.

I'm fine, love.

She's not fine. I heard it all.

She's being bullied at work.
Her career's in ruins.

Oh, and she wants to leave me
out in a storm!

All right, News At Ten,
that's plenty.

Don't worry about me.

You get on your way.

Don't forget, Mam,

Cheryl teaches us that every day
ain't going to be no picnic.

Aw, thanks, pet. That helps.

Dad! What are you doing here?

You know, just passing by.
Passing?

You live in York. Where's Mum?

She's in York.

She let you come all the way here.
On your own?

No, she didn't let me.

I've...

I've left your mother.

Ta-da!

I'm a free man!

She pushed me too far
this time, Sarah.

And I'm not being told
what to do any more!

Ssh! Get inside.

Of course. Sorry.

Jack, look who's here!

Ben? You on your own? Where's Susan?

You on day release?

I've left Susan!

Susan allowed you to leave her?

No, I did it all on my own!

So I thought I could stay here
for a week or two

till I get on my feet.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Jack? Coffee?

No, none for me, ta.
I'm going fishing with Ramsey.

Thankfully, this time
I've managed to convince him

not to take his air rifle.

Or his hammer.

I'll have a coffee, love.
Three sugars.

Three?

Susan's not in charge
of the sugar any more.

Or the spoons.

Anyway, I'll just go upstairs
and get unpacked.

I'll find my own way, Jack.

Or as the Americans say, "roomie".

LAUGHING: No problem, roomie!

No matter what happens, there is
no way he's moving in here.

I will talk to him.

Mum's probably just pushed him
too far. You go.

IN ACCENT: Bring me back a fishy
on a little dishy.

Well, that's almost racist.

Dad, do you want breakfast?
I'm just about to have my third.

Where's Vicky hidden
the bloody tea bags?

You know what Ralph did today?

He sent me to show a couple
round a house on Hedgy Road.

Hey! There was a house
on fire there this morning.

It was on the news just now.
That was the one.

So, did they buy it?

No, but the firemen gave us
a round of applause for trying. Hey.

You would think Vicky
would at least put the sugar

in the same hemisphere
as the tea bags, wouldn't you?

And that Ralph's just standing there,

eating them cupcakes
that I baked for everyone at work.

"Perhaps you're better off selling
cupcakes cos you can't sell houses,"

he said. Slimy little sod.

I've half a bloody mind
to do just that.

Fantastic.

Oh, do you think so?

Well, I mean I could always sell
to a few different places.

Everybody's always saying
how delicious me baking is.

Absolutely unbelievable.
Thanks, pet.

Mind, it'd mean me working
at home all the time.

I'd need a lot of support.

Joe, I'm saying
I'll need your support!

You've always got my support,
my sweet.

And as soon as I've decided
what's living in this teapot

you'll have both my support
and a steaming cup of Tetley's.

So, do you think I should do it?

Are you sure?

Aye, I'm sure.

I'm sure. I've never been
more sure of anything.

I can't believe it!

I'm going to do it!

I'm going to go and bloody do it!

Aye! You bloody go and bloody do it!

SHE SHOUTS WITH JOY

What's all this racket?
I'm trying to watch Loose Women.

There's four ladies
who don't let the menopause

dictate their moods, Pauline.

Oh, Dot, not even you
can sour me moment.

Pin back your lug holes. We've got
some news, big news. Haven't we, Joe?

Aye, apparently we have.
Go on, you tell her.

No, it's your news. You tell her.

Go on! I just want to see
the look on her face.

Why? Is it going to be happy?
Or maybe sad? Suicidal?

I'll do it!

I'm starting me own business.

Joe talked me into it! Did I?

Ah, look at him being dead modest.

I'm giving up the estate agents
and I'm starting up on me own,

baking and selling cup cakes.

Hooray(!) Yeah!

What are you doing?

I'm off to start packing me things

because we'll be
homeless in no time.

I'm just getting
ahead of the bailiffs.

You know, they reckon
that since the shipyards closed

there's salmon in the Tyne?

Aye, and cucumber.

Just dropped my sandwich.

So why are we here?

Peace, tranquillity and solitude.

That's pretty deep for you,
isn't it, mate?

Oh, it's not me.
Denise sends us down here.

To get out from under
her swollen feet.

Proposed to her again this morning.

Judging by the fact you're sober

and relatively coherent, I'm assuming
she wasn't too impressed?

I don't get it. I spelled
"Will you marry me?" out

in Sugar Puffs on the kitchen floor.

Wow. Well, while I have to question
you trying to win a lady's heart

with what is essentially
spilled breakfast,

I have to admire
your persistence, mate.

Aye, well, she can't say no forever.

One of us has to die eventually.

Well, at least you've got a plan.

Right.

Now...why don't you tell me
exactly what happened?

I was in the shoe shop, just locking
up, when Susan, your mother...

I know who she is.

..she said I kept waking her up when
I went to the toilet in the night.

So from now on, I wouldn't be
allowed liquids past ten o'clock.

You could talk to her, surely.

Then, after I'd agreed to that,

your mother noticed some stock
I'd ordered

that I'd not...

told her about.

What stock?

Ugg boots.

Oh, Dad! You know
how she feels about them.

I know! But we are in a recession
and they're very popular!

She went mad.

Told me I wasn't allowed
to order stock ever again.

And then..

And then what?

..the next thing I knew I was
in the car and shooting my way here,

like Lewis Hamilton.

Except he's not Jewish
and I was in a Volvo.

I even had a pasty in the car!

You ate food in the car? I did.

For the first time in decades
I felt free.

Lighter than air and...

and covered in pasty flakes!

Anyway, I need a favour.

What's his name? What pub does he
drink in? I'll sort him out for you.

No, man. I need you to answer
some questions for my book.

Oh, your secret book?

Listen, Jack's journal is
an almost scientific study

of pregnancy from
a male perspective.

For scientific reasons
I can't tell her about it

because if she knows,
she'll alter her behaviour

She'll alter your bollocks, mate.

Aye, we'll cover that bridge
with my hands when we come to it.

Anyway, the publisher said
I need to get input

from other men
with pregnant partners.

I'm an onion. Peel me. Right.

So, would you say that the pregnancy
has bought you closer together?

Well, physically, aye.

She's mad for it.

But emotionally no.

She says I've never
irritated her more.

Ah, sorry to hear that, mate.
Oh, it's all right.

It's quite nice having sex
with someone

when they're giving you the
silent treatment. Is it? Yeah, yeah.

When my Denise gets going, she's
got a proper mouth on her, like.

Really puts us off me stride.

Oh, I'm on, I'm on. Jack, I'm on.

I'm on, Jackie. Might be a cucumber.

Dad, where's Mum? Is she all right?

And by that I mean,
is she still alive?

She's fine. Well, I mean,
she's awful, but she's...

QUEEN'S "I WANT TO BREAK FREE"
PLAYS AS RING TONE

That's her now.
I changed her ring tone.

She's been calling constantly.

Hello? 'Oh, I see,'

you must be the new woman.

You sound like a woman
of poor morals.

It's me. Your daughter.

Oh, so that's where
he's scurried off, is it?

Put him on the phone, dear,
immediately.

She would like to talk to you.

I'm a free man!

Sarah said I can stay here
as long as I want

and she's happy for me
to pee whenever I choose!

I didn't quite say he could stay.

Put me on speaker.

'Look here, Benjamin,
you can get your bottom back to York this instant.'

I'm not coming back, Susan.

'I'm standing up for myself.'

I'm staying here with Sarah

and there's nothing
anybody can do to make me leave.

Good for you.

Right....

You can choose from vanilla,
blueberry, chocolate chip,

lemon or coffee...

Oh, and I'm doing a discount
on cinder cakes.

Cinder cakes, they're like normal
cupcakes, just a bit crunchier.

Ten of each. No problem. I'll
drop them round in the morning.

All right, bye.

And that's them burnt ones
sold as well.

You give in to things early on,
and it's a slippery slope.

Before you know it, you're
trying on skirts in Marks's

because you're the same size

and Susan can't be bothered
to go there herself.

Me and Pauline
have our fallings out,

but we always make up in the end.

Sometimes, if I'm really lucky, it
turns out it wasn't even my fault!

Oh, it's always my fault.

"Ben's left toast crumbs
in the butter.

"Ben's ruining his mother's
funeral by crying."

Mmm, I see, right. Tricky.

That's him,
the one that ran off from his wife.

Well, didn't run, exactly. Drove.

The break-up of any relationship
is always hard. Drove, did you?

Quicker than running.

More cowardly.

My Stan left on a ship.

Very slow.

He was a bastard,
but when he tore your heart out,

he let you enjoy the moment.

? Because you don't know
what I know, when I know

? What I remembered

? To forget about you. ?

How was that?

Lush. Shite.

I think I've got another one in me.

That's a shame. How, man!

I'm executive producing
on this album

and I don't want you
undermining the talent.

Talent? You might want
to Wikipedia the word, love.

I'll Wikipedia you in a minute!

And do you know what I'll find?

I'll find a big, fat nowt.

Water! I need to hydrate!
My instrument is parching!

Sounding great, babe.

Yeah, I can really feel myself
evolving, changing.

It's like the music is in me
and I'm just a conduit.

Only now do I truly understand
how Peter Andre feels.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?
Jackie boy! Bob Muirfield.

Bobby boy! Don't ever call me that.

Sorry. 'How's things?'

Well, I've got me father-in-law
staying with us,

though when he goes to the toilet
in the night,

you'd think he was a racehorse
Yeah. I don't really care.

Look, I've got some great news
about the book!

I can change the names like I asked?

No, don't be stupid!
We need authenticity.

That's why people will buy it!

It's about real people
with real problems.

The more I think about it,
the more problems I see.

Brilliant! Down to the balls
and smalls of it,

I've managed to get
an extract from your book

published in the Saturday Telegraph
supplement.

But...but I thought no-one was going
to read it until it was finished

and until Sarah had had the baby
and become a bit more...human.

You don't sound very excited, Jack.

Have you any idea how many people
are going to read this?

God! I've been meaning
to talk to you,

I read the edit you sent through.
You didn't leave any of the nice things I said about Sarah!

Course not! She's our villain.
People are going to hate her!

It's going to be 50 Shades Of Great!

Look, I probably should have
told you earlier,

but Sarah's is my actual wife.
This is my actual diary.

If she reads it,
she might even leave us.

I see what you mean!
We can get another book out of this.

I don't want to lose my wife!
That's not what I'm reading here.

Look, Jack, it's very simple,
do you want a book

that keeps your hormonal wife happy

or do you want one
that sells million of copies?

I want one that sells
millions of copies?

Is the correct answer.

Right, I've just got to
iron out a few details

with the newspaper people.

Talk to you later.
Don't forget to write.

HE TUNES GUITAR

I'm not convinced about this.

You'll see, man. Lindsay's guitar
playing will add shitloads of class.

Lindsay, ready when you are.

Sure. How do you want me
to play it, Gervaise?

I was thinking about maybe
dropping in a couple of arpeggios.

No arpeggios, thanks.
Just stick to the guitar.

Oh, OK then.

Let's do this.

Guitar track for Valentine's Day
Masochist, take one.

HE PLAYS TENDER TUNE

It's absolutely beautiful.

So what about you, Joe?

You seem to be keeping yourself busy
since the stroke. Me? Well...

I spend my days using my one
good arm to place these cupcakes,

which I'm not allowed to eat, mind,
into these boxes.

It's one of the levels of hell, Ben.

It's just not been
assigned a number yet.

Right, I'd best get this
delivery delivered.

Aw, Joe have you not packed
those cupcakes? I'll do it.

Oh, thanks, Ben.

Then can you take them
out to the people carrier?

Of course, Susan.

Haaa!

UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC

Right, let me get them in.
What you drinking, G-man?

It's Gervaise, and I'll have
my usual. They know what it is.

He drinks lager top, Lindsay.
Proper lager's too strong for him.

It refreshes my vocal cords!

Hey, good call. Think I'll maybe
have one of those myself.

Vicks? I'll have one
if you're having one,

it refreshes me vocal cords.

You go and sit down.
I'll give you a hand.

Right, Dad. What would you like?

Oh, just a shandy.

Actually, no, triple vodka.

I'm not sure, in your current
emotional state, that's wise.

Although it is less liquid
to keep me awake later.

Hi, Gervaise.
How's the album going?

It's my definitive statement, like.

Right. And what's it saying?

"Me."

Hi, pet. Ben, Gervaise.

My round. What would you like?
Lager, please.

What's up with you?

Just realised the '80s are over

and you have to send that outfit
back to where it was born?

It's that bloody Lindsay. Look at
him, all brushed teeth and tallness.

Aw, is the Hebburn gigolo
feeling threatened?

He's always showing off
how nice he is!

You should have seen him
in the studio.

He can play seven instruments,
seven!

Yeah, he can play
all them instruments,

but can he sing like you?

Well, he says he can't, but then he
does backing vocals and guess what?

He sings like an angel.
But he hasn't got my epic tone.

The thing is, I can feel him
causing a rift between me and Vicky.

We're drifting apart, like...

..sexual icebergs.

That's how it starts, of course.

One moment you're at a picnic,

and she's dragging you off into
the forest to have her way with you,

then the next thing,
you're in separate bedrooms

wondering if you're her husband

or some kind of
sex-starved housekeeper

Would you two like some
razor blades with your crisps?

Ben, you need to cheer up, man,
you've made the break.

You're a free man.

Gervaise, you should cheer up
cos it's all in your head, son.

And stop slagging off Lindsay.
He seems like a lovely bloke.

THE GIRLS LAUGH

Oh, my God! Lindsay is such a laugh!

The barmaid thought
we were a couple!

She said she could definitely
see us together.

I said I felt ugly and pregnant
and Lindsay said

I was glowing and gorgeous

and I said that you never say
anything like that to me

and then he said...I can't
remember, but it was so funny.

Where are the drinks?

Oh, my God, I completely forgot.
I'm so sorry.

Lindsay! I forgot the drinks!
Mental!

THEY GIGGLE

Aye, you're right he's a bellend.

Right I've cupped
me last cake for today.

I'm shattered,
but you know what?

I think I'm starting
a whole new chapter.

Well, I hope this new
chapter's got me in it.

Don't be daft,
you're me bloody bookmark.

Well...

You know our Vicky's out?

Mm-hm.

And me mam's over the road
at Arthur's? Mm-hm.

This house has only got
two people in it.

Two lovely people,
in love, lovingly.

Are you trying to get a bit of action
before your mam gets back?

I'm trying to create an atmosphere
of romance and tenderness.

And thereby action. Oh, right.

Well...

..I think we should...

..just check your blood pressure
with the machine... Mm-hm.

..and if it's all right,

I'll think about it.

SLURRING: I mean,
maybe I am in the wrong,

I knew she wouldn't like the boots

but I just wanted to make sure
the shop made some money.

Relationships are tricky, Ben.

We pull and push at our partners
but only because we want them

to be the image that we have
of the perfect them.

If she's any sense,

she'll think about all the years
you've had together

and not throw it all away,

just because some arpeggio dickhead
comes to town.

What are you on about?

Him, Vicky! Him!

Trying to split us up!

And more importantly,
trying to wreck my album! Whoa!

Is there a problem?
I'm sensing a lot of anger.

You'll be sensing
a leatherette loafer

up your arse in a minute, mate!
Gervaise!

Take that back!

I'm dead sorry about this, Lindsay,
it's the lager top talking.

It's not the top!

He's a knobhead!

Jack said so too!
Jack! How could you?

I did not say knobhead!
I did not say knobhead!

No, he didn't.

He said bellend.

So, you're all against us!

Gervaise, I'll see meself home.

Vicky! Vicky, wait!

Well, according to this...

..your blood pressure is fine,

so, as long as you can
keep yourself nice and calm,

I think we should go upstairs.

I promise, at no point
during our love-making

will I become emotional or excited.
That's my boy. Howay, then.

Yoo-hoo!

Evening, Joe! Evening, Pauline!

Would one of you mind
sticking the kettle on?

I have to go and eject
some tenants from downstairs.

Marvellous...

Hey.

I didn't know you smoked.
It's bad for you, Vick, yeah?

It's only when I'm upset.

Look, Gervaise will come round.

I think he maybe
just feels threatened

because we have this connection.

I know.

I feel it really strongly.

And sometimes I just want to...

I don't think that's a good idea.

I'm sorry.

I should have known
you wouldn't be interested

in a little skip rat like me.
Far from it, Vicky.

I adore you.

You're a beautiful, radiant,

strong yet supple creature.

and would like nothing more
than to take you in my arms

and cover you with loving kisses.
Uh...

But you're with Gervaise.

I know.
And as long as you are with Gervaise

I promise I will not lay
a finger on you.

Fingers are fine. We can't, Vicky.

I know it would be enrapturing...
And fully lush.

..but we're better people than that.

Are we?

We are.

Thanks for the loan
of the underwear.

I must say they're more snug
than I'm used to.

They cup you nicely, don't they?

Finish your drink, Ben.

Dad, I just spoke to Mum.

She misses you.

No, it's all finished.

She'd forgive me anything,
but not the Ugg boots.

She still loves you.

When you love someone,
you will forgive them anything.

Will you? Like anything at all?

Of course.

Well, I suppose it might be possible
to straighten things out.

Perhaps I should talk to her.

Yes. Yes, you should.

Because she's here.

She knows she's been difficult
to live with

and I think
she's ready to compromise.

It'll be fine.

Hello, Susan.

This is an unexpected...thing.

I was just passing.
I'm on my way back to York.

You could join me if you like.

I can sleep
in a separate bedroom on my own

just as well in Hebburn, thank you.

Well, I don't see why
you couldn't sleep in my bed.

Just for a trial run.

That would be a start.

I thought I'd give you this.

What's that?

A list I've been keeping.

Things I've wanted to say over the
years, but never had the courage.

Some of them
aren't relevant any more,

what with technology moving on
and all that.

I think Shergar might be heading
home to his own toilet tonight.

You know you said
that if you love someone

you'd forgive them anything?

Well, I've kind of been
writing a new book.

Uh-huh. And it's all about
you and your pregnancy.

I wrote some stuff in my journal
that wasn't exactly complimentary

and me publisher got hold of it

and they're going to publish it

but I'm kind of worried
it might destroy our marriage.

Lovely. Look, they've made up.

And...

we're going for a picnic again.

And you're going to drag me off
into the woods and ravish me

to within an inch of my life.

Thanks for everything.

I'll send the boxer shorts back
when I've washed them.

No problem, ex-roomie.

Oh, thank God for that.
Sorry, what were you saying?

I just wanted to tell y...

Oh, brilliant(!) I've got
pizza sauce all down my top!

You've let me sit here all night
looking like an idiot!

Let's not over-react...

You might not care
what people think about you

but I'm more sensitive!
I'm vulnerable!

Hey, hey, calm down. It's OK.
Why don't we get you home, eh?

Yeah, sorry.

What were you saying?

Oh, that can wait. Are you sure?

The surest I've ever been
about anything.

Let's get you home,
run you a hot bath,

and give you a nice massage, eh?

Oh, you're such a star.

You're the best husband ever.

Yep. I definitely am.

SHE SLURPS

PHONE RINGS

Eh, I think it might be business.
I'd better take it.

Hello?

No, it's fine.

How can I help you?

You know, I wouldn't be offended

if you wanted to move
over the road with laughing boy.

We could have your stair-lift

shifted across to his house,
no bother.

And what would you do without it?

Me?! It's no use to me.

I never use the thing!

Of course you do, you soppy apeth.

I do not!

I'm perfectly capable of getting
to the top of the stairs on me own.

I'll admit I have used it
once or twice

but that's just to make sure
it's working properly for you.

PAULINE SCREAMS

Pauline!

What's wrong? Are you all right?

I'm more than all right!
You scared the life out of us.

The fire station have just
ordered 200 cup cakes

for their open day!

Pauline! What?

I just got up the stairs
in one bloody leap!

On me own! I did it, Pauline!
I did it! Well done!

Mind, I can hear canoodling
going on up there!

It'll not do you any good

because I've hidden
your blood pressure machine!

Come on!

PAULINE CACKLES

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