All language subtitles for Hebburn s02e03 Knocking About.eng

WOMAN BREATHES HEAVILY

WOMAN SCREAMS

WOMAN SCREAMS

BABY CRIES

That's what'll happen
when your baby is born.

Any questions?

Aye. Can I go back in time
to before I saw that

and scoop me own eyes out, please?

Yeah?

How soon after that can
I nip out for a ciggie?

Only, it's been three months
already, like, and I'm clamming.

Don't worry, pet, we'll get you
sewn up and out the door

before you can say Lambert & Butler.
Any other questions?

Can we have a bang on the gas and
air, like? Good question. Thank you.

Sorry, love, you'll have to
wait until the birth.

I've got a couple of questions about
my cervix. Of course you have.

I'm quite worried that
it might not ripen.

No bother for mine.

I've been letting the sun get at it,
if you know what I mean.

It's just that my mum's didn't ripen
so I'm worried mine won't ripen.

Jesus. Don't need the midwife,
we need the man from Del Monte.

Not to worry, flower,

there hasn't been a cervix made
I cannot get through.

Right, let's give you a quick
tour of the birthing rooms.

You bringing your little lad?

Oh, he's... He's not exactly mine.

No, he's my gift to the world.

Right, on with the tour.

You've seen the birthing pool.

And the good thing is, it's portable,
so we can move it about if needs be.

Come this way.

Well, I don't know why you're going.

In my day, we didn't have
training weekends.

I mean, you're not selling any
houses as it is, Pauline.

They're just going to
be training you up to be

an even more qualified failure.

I mean, it's cruel.

Well, if you ask me, the real cruelty
is me spending me weekend

with a bunch of estate agents
in a Jury's Inn in Birmingham.

Ooh, Birmingham. I got licked
by a big dog in Birmingham.

Right. Good to know.

Are you sure you're going
to be all right with Joe?

Pauline, I'm capable of looking
after me own son.

It'll be like the old days,
just him and me.

Take us with you, will you?

If you don't, it'll be like
the old days, just me and her.

No, Joe. All your stroke
recovery stuff's here.

Your pills, your blood pressure
machine,

your squeezy therapy balls...

All right, all right, I'll stay put.

Remember the rules,
the pair of you.

No late nights, no parties

and no-one whatsoever
in the good room.

I've written all the rules on your
hand while you were having a nap.

What if the Queen visits?

Take her in the kitchen and give her
a slice of me Vienetta, if you must,

but keep her out of me good room.
She's not using my stairlift.

Right, I'm away. Give us a kiss.

Love you, me angel. I love you.

Dorothy.

Pauline.

Vicky! I'm away, I'll be back
on Sunday night!

OK! Have fun on your dirty weekend!

It's a training course, not an orgy!

I've written all
the rules on your dad!

Joe, remember, if in doubt,
talk to the hand.

Love you. Bye.

THEY BREATHE HEAVILY

What are you two doing?

Pelvic floor exercises.

Just like the midwife said.

We're putting in the effort
today for a drier tomorrow.

Eight, nine, ten, and we're done!

Cheers.

Drinking, Jack? At lunchtime?
That's not like you.

We're just doing what the
woman at the antenatal said.

She told you two
to go on the lash, did she?

She said, before the baby comes,

it's important to prepare
yourself and relax.

She was talking about me and Denise.

And she meant meditation
and breathing exercises,

not knocking back pints of lager!

Listen, there's no such
thing as bad relaxation.

True that, player.

Right, toilet for me.
I'll come too.

Going to the toilet
in pairs now, pet?

Ooh! Is Her Ladyship becoming
one of the natives?

I'll have you eating
kebab-and-chips pizza by teatime.

Do they do that? Is that real?
All on one pizza?

You hungry? I'm hungry.
Can we get one?

Does this say "album cover"?

It makes you look like a soldier.

Too much like a soldier?

I'm getting a lot of soldier, like.

See, I'd also be holding these.

What are you? Like,
a soldier magician?

Are you going to cut the dove in half
and then put it back together again?

Be good if you can. Be awful
if you can't. No, man.

I'm reflecting me
many different facets.

I'm a warrior, but I'm also tender.

What about the chainsaw?

I can use it to chop up wood, like.

Eeh, you're a proper juxtaposition.
We've been studying them at college.

Lindsay - me BFF - reckons
I'm a juxtaposition.

Cos to look at us, you wouldn't
think I would go to college.

But if you see us
actually in college,

it's obvious that I've gone.

I was also thinking of
me in a suit of armour,

without the codpiece.

Sort of strong yet vulnerable.

Hey, do you not want a picture
of us together on the cover?

I mean, it is me that's paying
for this album.

Baby, I'd like nothing more but...

this album is my musical legacy.

It's going to echo for all eternity.

Who knows if we'll still
be together in...

If you split up with me after
I've paid for your stupid album

to be recorded, you'll need
more than a bloody codpiece!

Now, am I on the album cover or not?

You can be on the back cover.
And the front cover!

Aw, thanks, lover.

That's dead romantic.

So...

Aye, so...

Remember what Pauline said?

Like the back of me hand.

I mean, I've got no plans to go
in the good room. Me neither.

I've got zero interest in
stretching out on the big sofa

with the football on.

I mean, if you were to go
in the good room,

you'd have to hoover it afterwards.
I would.

And do the polishing. True.

That could be tiring for a man
in your condition. You'd need help.

And what might that cost me?

I suppose, if you were,

hypothetically, to be in
the good room,

I could hypothetically have
some of the girls over

from the old folks' home
in the living room.

Just a few guests?

Not a party per se?

A party? Ooh, no!

Not even hypothetically.

And we wouldn't want to bother
Pauline with any of this, would we?

She's got enough on her plate,
hasn't she? Bless her.

She has. She has.

Well, why don't you give some
of your friends a ring

while I relocate to the good room?

Maybe I should.

DOORBELL RINGS

Maybe you did?

Aye. Maybe.

What you writing for, man? It's
Saturday. It's me book. I like to get stuff down as soon as it happens.

This is a very interesting
development,

Sarah getting very judgmental
about me drinking in the afternoon.

Selfish. I can't believe
you've still not told her.

What, that I'm publishing
me pregnancy diary?

You mad? She'd go mental. I'd be
drowned in a tsunami of hormones.

And fists. Nah, she'll be
all right about it, man.

Princess Moodswing? Doubtful.
But that's what the publishers like.

It's me unflinching depiction of the
madness that is my pregnant missus.

She's bound to find out when the
book comes out. Women are like that,

they tend to see things that
are right in front of them.

Yeah, but I figure by then she'll
be so busy with the baby

she won't have time to worry about
my... Complete betrayal of trust?

Yep. That's the thing
about me and my Denise.

She's got no secrets from me.
If she did, she'd tell us.

Really? Oh, aye.

She told me everything you two got
up to when you were going out.

Has she? Aye. Even makes us
re-enact some of it.

So you've become me tribute act?
I suppose I have.

But I have got some self-respect.

I'll not wear the wig.

WOMEN SHOUT IN OTHER ROOM

DRUNK SINGING IN OTHER ROOM

TECHNO POP MUSIC PLAYS

Make love to me camera, like.

But just do it with your mind, mind.

I'm not feeling this.

We are, though! Come on,
show us your sensitive side!

Aye, he means your arse!

Shut up, man!

I think I've heard enough witty
banter for one day. Aye, me and all.

Fancy coming with us
for a knockabout? Boxing?

No, I've had to knock it on
the head since I got pregnant,

we'll just knock about town, like.

Well, I was hoping me and Jack
could write out our birth plan

this afternoon... Oi, Gervaise!
What website's this going on?

Tonedeafcrooners.com?

..but that's just fallen through.

So, yes, I will have
a knockabout.

We're off. Really? I can't tear my
eyes away from this car crash.

Don't worry, Sarah, I'll get him
back home. Eventually.

Don't get too drunk.
Don't worry, gorgeous.

This'll be the soberest all-day
drinking session there's ever been.

Remember - toilet before bed.

If I wake up in any more
of your little accidents,

I'm going to have to
grow gills. Laters.

Hutchy, what's happened?
Have you died?

It's Icarus with an ASBO!

Say nowt. Nowt, man.

He's a cherub. Aren't you, Hutchy?

You'll be firing that arrow
through my heart in a minute.

Go on, then, take your top off. Hey!

Right, let's get you on set.

Hey, Dr Gervaise.
I'm liking this.

Have you got your
juxtaposition sorted?

A pig's heart and a bag of chips.

It's like I'm clogging
up your heart with my love.

And it might just kill you.

The love, like.

Eeh, I like that. It's deep.

Oh, I know.

DRUNKEN SINGING IN OTHER ROOM

DOORBELL RINGS

Should get away with that.

Arthur. Thank God it's you. I
thought it was someone important.

Good afternoon, Joseph.
And what a beautiful day it is.

I see you've got your
seducing teeth in.

What, these old fangs?

Had them cleaned and polished.

Is Dorothy at home?

She's not alone. She's entertaining.

Oh, well, if another gentleman
has her affections,

then that's her prerogative.

No, you're all right, she's
got the coven in. You might need

them gnashers once they get hold of
you. Howay in.

Have we got a guest?

It's been a while since we had
any visitors.

Don't worry, Mam, we're not busted.

It's just loverboy
from across the road.

He's polished his prosthetics
and everything for you.

Dorothy.

Thank you.

Girls, Arthur's here!

EXCITED CHEERING

Ladies. Enchante.

Oh, man, it's like d'Artagnan versus
the dinosaurs. Good luck, mate.

You'll need it.

You know, when I thought
of knocking about,

I thought of blitzing the shops.

Maybe getting our nails done.

This wasn't really
what I had in mind.

Sarah, man, you need to learn
to let your hair down.

Today's going to be banging.
Isn't it, girls?

We're going to have it large, aren't
we, pet? Aye, we are. Trust us.

We're going to get
into more trouble

with the fast and the furious here
than we would on our own.

Won't we, ladies? I'm not kidding.

Maud steals things, and Peg's
a slave to her glue.

Is that why she took
my crisp packet?

Don't worry. She's got
low blood pressure.

You're actually doing her a favour.
Happy to help.

Right, dinner.

But it's lunch time.

No, it's dinner time. You're not
in Downton Abbey now, sweet cheeks.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Proper living
in Hebburn, like.

Ooh, proud of your new Geordie
words, are you? I am, ya knaa!

You know, I didn't really
like you when I first met you.

You hid it so well. What, with you
being all up your own arse, like.

Thanks. And taking Jack off me.

You and Jack had split up three
years before I met him.

Sarah, when I mark a man,
he's mine until I say so.

But you can have him
for the time being. Can I?

Right. All-day breakfast then we'll
see what these two knitting machines

have come up with for us.
For you? What are they doing?

Making sure I never have to set
foot in Mothercare ever again.

Whoa, Arthur, what you doing
in the good room?

I trust you have the
necessary papers?

I thought I might... Hide?

Hide, yes. If that's all right?

If you sit on anything,
make sure you hoover,

polish and disinfect it
before you stand up.

Actually...I did want to have
a word with you, Joseph.

Aye. What word might that be?
Might it be "silence"?

I feel that my intentions
should be made known.

Unless you're intending
on getting the kettle on,

I don't think there's much else
I need to know, mate.

My intentions towards Dorothy.

Romantically.

She's a special woman, your mam.

On that we can agree.

And our affection
for each other is growing.

Lovely.

Well, that's settled.

So do you think we both might
have a go at that silence now?

Look, I can see you're getting
defensive about all this,

but I'm here to tell you, Joe, I'm
not looking to replace your dad.

Now, look what you made us do!
This is what happens

when unauthorised personnel
come into the good room!

You're avoiding the issue, Joseph.

As me and Dorothy explore each other,
I don't want you to feel

I'm treading on your dad's toes.

Can we not talk about
you exploring me mam?

I'm supposed to be relaxing, not
discussing me mother's sex life

with a silver fox.

Oh, no, no, we've not consummated
the relationship.

I may have caressed the peach

but I have yet to access the stone
within, if you catch my drift.

I'm willing another stroke on here.

I give in. That's enough.

Well, don't feel ashamed, pet.

I've seen bigger lasses than you
taken down by the all-day breakfast.

Finished!

Good girl.

Do you want them to make you summat?

They're surprisingly quick
for women with arthritis.

Mind, sometimes I can't tell

if that clacking noise is their
knitting needles or their joints.

Can I buy this little bonnet?

I don't need any money, pet.

What these girls need,
you can't buy - hope.

Not a lot of that in
the old folks' home, Sarah.

Hope. And they get that
from knitting for you how?

Watch.

Oh, my God!

This is gorgeous.

Now, do we think that I should bring
me new baby in one day

wearing Maud's delightful cardigan?

Oh, please, Denise, please.
That would be lovely.

See? Hope.

Yes. With a side order
of free clothes.

Well, we'll be needing something
to pop our little miracles in.

And I guess we'll see if it's as bad
being a mam as my mam made out.

Why, what did she say?

She said it was the hardest
job in the world,

and that I drove her up the wall.

And that she hated
every second of it.

But then that was me mother.

Played her cards
very close to her chest.

When did she say all this?

Mainly birthdays, Christmas.

That's if she wasn't off with
one of my short-term uncles.

My mother was both
emotionally distant

and stifling at the same time.
You what?

It's not that I felt unloved,
I think she was just frightened

to engage on a genuine
emotional level,

almost as if she were actually
repressing her maternal instinct.

Oh, boo-hoo, Tinkerbell.
And then what happened next?

Did your pony not learn to talk?

Point taken.

So, not long now.

Me and you will be pushing buggies
along on a Saturday.

We'll not be sat in here. No.

No, we'll have to take them
on the smoking terrace.

Get them a bit of fresh air.

Are you not worried
about being a dad again?

I'm terrified, me, like.
Don't be scared, man.

Children have to be
about nine or ten

before they can hit you effectively.

I want me kid to listen to us

and not make the mistakes I've made.

The haircut? No, man, in life!

I want to have this baby more than
anything but I don't know

if I'm ready to be
a father. No, man.

Kids virtually raise themselves.
Take my lad.

You just leave food out for him
a couple of times a day.

He's a bit like a cat that can swear.

Same again, is it?

Excuse me, man. Sorry about that.
No bother, mate.

I'm looking for Vicky Pearson.
Who are you, like?

Lindsay. We're at college together.

You're Lindsay?

Eeh! Hiya!

Gervaise, this is Lindsay.
Lindsay, this is Gervaise.

Hey, great to meet you, man. Hi...

You're a beautiful man.

I mean...good to meet you, mate.

Vicky says you're quite the singer.
I love live music.

You doing a set tonight?
Yeah, I might be.

Howay, man, Gervaise, it's
your Belter Ballads night.

I'm just going to pull my pants up.

I wish I could sing. My musical
skills are more piano, harp, viola.

Right.

Do a little bit of DJ-ing too.

You know, grime, garage.

I mainly do the DJ-ing for charity.

Yeah, right. Grimey charity. Good.

I knew you two'd get on.

You've got so much in common.

? She smiled at me on the subway

? She was with another man

? But I won't lose no sleep on that

? Cos I've got a plan

VOICE BREAKING: ? You're beautiful

? You're beautiful... ?

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Mam, what's up?

Where are you? Has there
been an accident?

It sounds as if someone's in pain.

Hang on, he'll be done in a minute.

?..With you. ?

There's another modern classic
ruined. How's the conference?

Are you suitably conferred?
It's great.

They give you little chocolates

with your coffee and, eeh,
Jack, the buffet.

I nearly cried when I saw it,
magnificent.

Sounds like you're learning
a lot, then. How's Sarah?

She was worried about her cervix
when I spoke to her yesterday.

I told her about my mine
when I had you.

It was like a pumice stone.

There's no real reason
to tell me, is there?

Well, you're in a delightful mood.
Put her on, will you?

I can't, she's out with Denise.

Denise? Are you sure
that's a good idea?

What's the worst that can happen?
Either Sarah gets a fake tan

or Denise'll start chewing
with her mouth closed.

Listen, Jack, the reason I've rung
is, I want you to go round

and check on your dad and your gran,
make sure they're all right.

Why don't you just
phone them and ask?

Because, Jack, neither of them
is capable of telling the truth.

Fair point.

So I want you to act as
if you are part of this family

and go check on the people you love.

Mam, what's this really about?

Aw, Jack, there's someone
in me good room.

I can feel it, pet.

She tells me in her younger days
she could bend herself all ways.

Listen, mate, you do what you want,

but for the love of God,
keep it to yourself.

You're over-reacting, Joe.

Physical love between senior
citizens is part of nature.

Well, it's not a part of nature that
I want to visit! Now get off!

We're all dead.

It'll glue back together.
She'll know!

What's happened?
I heard a fracturing!

Your fancy man here has broken
one of Pauline's ornaments!

That's what's happened!

It'll glue back together.

She'll know!

That's it, then! There'll be no more
Mrs Nice Pauline. You'll see.

She'll have plastic covers made
for the sofa. And for the carpet.

And us!

We'll all be in clear PVC tombs,
and all because of your boyfriend!

Arthur, how could you?

It was an accident.

I was trying to explain to Joseph
that our dalliance may be

taking the next step forward.

He overreacted!

Overreacted!? I'm supposed
to be recuperating!

Instead, I've got a bloody wrinkly
rave kicking off next door

and Tyneside Casanova here
smashing up the good room!

Man, you've been here one week
and already everything's ruined!

You never were a gracious
host, Joe! Never!

All right, pet, see you later.

Sarah says she's at yours, so we'll
pop round there for a nightcap

once I've tucked the invalids in,
like.

Mind you, they might
already be in bed.

INSIDE: This is my house,
that I've slaved all me life for!

And I'm buggered if I'm going
to have it turned into some

kind of shag pad for you and
the Laughing Cavalier here.

Well, maybe I could do with
some love in me life

because I'm on short rations
from me family!

Right! Two questions.
One, what is going on?

Two, why's it going on
in the good room?

He was rude to my guest!

This guest here has smashed
one of your mam's ornaments

and he keeps banging on about
licking her peach stone...

Whoa! That's plenty!
Right, what's broken?

It'll glue back together.

She'll know.

It's her fault! It's his fault!

It's both of your faults!

If mam finds out about this,
we are all knackered.

You lot, get back in there
and straighten things up!

And you, ornament assassin,
I suggest you spend the night

with some superglue and tweezers,
otherwise, when me mam gets back,

you'll have a few fractures
of your own to deal with.

As you wish.

Dorothy, I shall see you
on the morrow.

Ah! That'll do mate, that'll do.

Thanks, come on, shift it,
son, shift it.

You two - all you had to do
was follow her rules.

That's all you had to do.

And now the sanctity of the
good room is broken, and I don't

even want to think what's been
going off in the living room.

Don't get angry, son.

That's the thing, Dad. I'm not angry,
I'm disappointed.

Isn't that usually what I say?

Aye, it is, but it's my turn now.

So I suppose I am ready
to be a father after all.

Joseph, tidy away your shite.

Can I smell mini pork pie? No.

I should hope not.

Dorothy, get a hoover strapped to
that wheelchair and get to work.

Well, I suppose I could give
it a quick once around.

We'll be off, Dot. Oi, Charlie's
Angels, you're going nowhere.

Get them coats off and start
polishing! Come on!

Denise, man, not again,
I'm still sore.

All right, Jack? How was it?

Great, actually.
I'm going to be a father.

With your nan?!

No, man, with Sarah, but, like,
I'm going to be an actual father.

You know, it's nights like this
that shows how much I need Sarah,

if only to show us what
the word "normal" means.

We're back! Sarah, you would
not believe what I've just seen!

Jack, you have to try this.

Always room for one more,
Jackie boy.

Is this from the hospital?
Did you nick this?

Jack, I don't nick things any more.
We've just...borrowed it.

We'll give it back
when the baby's...older.

Kebab-and-chip pizza.

? Shoot that poison arrow

? To my heart

? Shoot that poison arrow

? Shoot that poison arrow

? To my heart

? Shoot that poison arrow

? No rhythm in cymbals

? No tempo in drums

? Love on arrival

? She comes when she comes... ?

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