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BIRDSONG
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Wherefore my heart is glad
and my spirit rejoices,
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my flesh also shall rest in hope.
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Thou shalt show me the path of life.
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In Thy presence
is the fullness of joy.
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SHE SOBS
It's so sad!
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He would have loved this, your dad.
Aye.
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It's just a shame he can't be here
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to see all these people
that have turned out.
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Come on, we should be
celebrating life, not crying over it.
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Poor Joe!
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00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,490
Poor Joe's had a stroke
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and he's far too tired
to go to Betty's flaming funeral.
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Poor Joe's just about got enough
energy to sit and nibble quietly...
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..on a tiny sliver of qu-iche.
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In the company of the delightful
Mr Kyle. 'BOOING'
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And that concludes the service.
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And now I'll leave you all
to remember Betty in your own way.
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? Goodbye, my lover
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? Goodbye, my friend! ?
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Gervaise, not now man! Leave him.
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Betty wouldn't have minded him
singing. See?
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Aye, she was stone deaf at the end.
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Right, howay.
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I've left your dad
alone with a buffet
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and just before I left I saw him
drooling over me quiche.
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SARAH SOBS
I don't even know why you're crying, Sarah, you didn't even know Betty.
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I'm so sorry,
it's this bloody pregnancy!
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Lots of things are just moving me
to tears at the moment.
30
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Including pop songs,
pigeons with one foot missing
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and, best of all, MasterChef.
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Oh, but, Jack, he really wanted
that souffle to rise!
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It's so terrible when something
builds up so promisingly
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and then collapses
into disappointment!
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Are we talking about my 20s?
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Pregnancy can be hard. I remember
when I was pregnant with you, Jack.
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I ate my own body weight
in Arctic roll.
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How's Denise holding up? I don't
think she's noticed any difference.
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00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:38,500
And where do you think
you're going, Ramsey?
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Again?
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00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:43,490
You asked us to move in.
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You've got to give Mama
what she needs.
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Fine. But before we crack on,
I've got to ask you,
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Denise Chantelle Rutherford,
would you do me the honour...?
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Oh, my God! You know how to spoil
the mood, don't you? No!
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How many times do I have to
tell you, man?! No!
47
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Ohh!
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00:02:58,500 --> 00:02:59,490
You all right, Dad?
49
00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:03,490
He's fine. Hutchy, pop to the shops
and get him a Lucozade.
50
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:05,490
We need to keep his
energy levels up.
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00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,490
Might need some Savlon, as well,
please, son.
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Nae bother. And a Peperami.
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Not again, Denise.
54
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What? I'm hungry this time.
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TV PLAYS SOFTLY
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Oh, Joe!
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TV OFF
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Were you sleeping, pet?
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SHE LAUGHS
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No, I just thought I saw something
on the inside of me eyelids.
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Right, who's hungry? We've got a
hostess trolley full of dreams here.
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Help yourself, flower.
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00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:40,490
And for the album cover, I thought
I could be lying next to a wolf,
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drinking whisky from a rose. Oh!
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Sounds good.
66
00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:47,490
Maybe you could be eating Maltesers
out of a human skull.
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THEY LAUGH
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00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,490
You all right? Stopped crying?
69
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:54,490
Oh, you're not eating another one,
are you?! Denise put me on to them.
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Euch!
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Look, I wanted to say,
I'm sorry for being so emotional.
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00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:03,490
Hey, today it's a godsend.
73
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,490
The mood swings,
the tiredness, the crying -
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00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,490
they'll all help get us
out of that wake.
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00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:09,500
It's like you're finally using your
powers for good instead of evil.
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00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:15,490
Yes, she was my best friend,
was Betty.
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And I'm...I'm coping, but barely.
78
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:21,490
What are you crying for, Vicki?
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00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:22,490
She's all alone!
80
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:25,490
Don't be so daft,
she's got us, hasn't she?
81
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,490
On the end of a phone,
every time she thinks
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00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:30,490
one of the nurses at the home
is stealing off her
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Things go missing!
Like me good teeth.
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00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:36,490
Oh, I searched for them everywhere,
you know. Did you?
85
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Guess where they'd hidden them?
I don't know.
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In me purse.
SHE GASPS
87
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:41,490
You know, when I picked her up,
88
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:44,490
she had 12 different people's
pension books on her.
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00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:47,490
I don't claim the money, you know...
SHE LAUGHS
90
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:50,500
..I just enjoy the thrill
of the snatch.
91
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Er...no, thank you, Joe.
92
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I'm just saying, now I know
I can use your pregnancy
93
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to get out of things, I don't mind
putting up with the other stuff.
94
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,490
Well, it's very decent of you
to put up with me!
95
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:05,490
Oh, I can feel a
mood swing coming on.
96
00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:06,490
Don't worry,
you're not in control of it,
97
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it's your hormones
messing with your brain
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OK. Instead of looking for ways
to tolerate your wife,
99
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maybe you could spend more time
looking for a place for us to live,
100
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:18,490
so that we can get out of
your parents' house!
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VICKI: You tell him, Sarah.
All full of himself
102
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just cos he's the editor
of the local newspaper.
103
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:26,490
Well, here's a headline
for you, Jack -
104
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:29,490
"Thin walls reveal local man's
bedroom inadequacies."
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What?! Vicki, that was once!
And he's been under a lot of stress!
106
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TOILET FLUSHES
Hey, dude, don't worry about it.
107
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Anyone feeling less comfortable
than me? Anyone?!
108
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It's even happened to me. Once.
109
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All you've got to do
is stand on your head
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and let gravity
work her sweet magic.
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I love you.
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And I love you loving me.
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Your mam's on fire. Eh?
114
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Not literally...unfortunately.
115
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,490
Are you all right, Joe?
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I'm just fading a bit.
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Remember what the doctor said -
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you're going to have these
little bouts of tiredness.
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Oh...
120
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Why don't you give your ball
a squeeze?
121
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I'm trying, Pauline, but nowt.
122
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That's why it's called
a rehabilitation ball,
123
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because you're rehabilitating,
flower. You just try and rest, Joe.
124
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,490
But we've got a house full
of people, Pauline.
125
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,490
I cannae just go and have a lie
down...with a nice cup of tea...
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00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:40,500
and a reasonably-sized slice
of cake, can I?
127
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No. You're right.
128
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Am I? Yes.
129
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:48,490
But...
130
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maybes go up, just for now.
Just to be on the safe side, eh?
131
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And I'll bring you up some cake.
A reasonably-sized slice, you said?
132
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Aye, but I don't want you
to think...
133
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Joe, when it comes to you, I gave up
thinking a long time ago.
134
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:06,490
Yes! We did it, son!
135
00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:09,490
We've almost paid off our debts, we
can think about renting somewhere
136
00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:12,490
as soon as I've got me credit rating
lower than a one-man recession.
137
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,490
OK but, please, soon.
I'm beginning to crawl up the walls.
138
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:17,490
And with walls this thin
that could be dangerous.
139
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PAULINE: Jack!
140
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Come and help us with this
Black Forest gateaux!
141
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,490
This lot are like locusts
with Zimmer frames.
142
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:26,500
Erm...Sarah's not feeling well!
143
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Aw, never mind. Sorry, pet.
144
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I love you being pregnant.
145
00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:34,490
Well, maybe we could hide up here
all afternoon
146
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and, you know...
147
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:38,490
I mean, it's just not the once that
you haven't risen to the occasion.
148
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I'm sorry, it's work,
it's getting us down.
149
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:45,500
Well, maybe I could help
to get you back up.
150
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,490
PHONE RINGS
HE GROANS
151
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,490
Just ignore it. We're trying
to have sex at a wake,
152
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I don't think a ringing phone
is going to make it any weirder.
153
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HE SIGHS
It's David from thee office.
154
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I'll have to see what he wants.
155
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If I leave it to him, the front
page will read,
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"Editor refuses to answer phone -
Presumed dead."
157
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:06,490
Hello, David, what's up?
158
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:09,490
Boss, you'd better get in
sharpish like. There's a big story.
159
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,490
Is there?! How big exactly?
160
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'I should go,
I had to stop the presses.
161
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'Now Ian's got his hand stuck
in a machine!'
162
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:20,490
Actually, that'd make quite
a good story, wouldn't it?
163
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,490
Ian! Stay put, man!
I'll fetch the camera.
164
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Listen, I best go, boss. Bye!
165
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HE GROANS
166
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:30,490
Sorry, babe,
they've stopped the presses.
167
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:33,490
And Ian's got his hand caught
in the machine...again.
168
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:34,490
Ian Three-fingers?
169
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:37,490
Well, yeah, but that nickname's
going to be up for grabs shortly.
170
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,500
Unfortunately, not by Ian. Bye.
171
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:49,490
I've worked here five years,
I've never stopped the presses.
172
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:51,490
The power, man, it's intoxicating!
173
00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:54,490
I mean, you can see how
it went to Hitler's head.
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This is going to put us behind on
me deliveries. I can't be late.
175
00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,490
Denise said she's got something
special in mind for us tonight.
176
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Said I should go down the pub,
get meself numbed up.
177
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:05,490
Right, fear not, news monkeys,
Daddy's here!
178
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,490
Howay then, what's up?
179
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:10,490
Denise is going through a bit of
a spicy-sausage phase at the minute.
180
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,490
She gets us to sort of stand
like this...
181
00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:15,490
No, not with that, man!
With the papers!
182
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,490
Why aren't we printing anything?
David?
183
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,490
Sorry, boss, it's a big story,
I didn't know what to do.
184
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:23,500
What big story? Idiot stops presses?
What's this big news?
185
00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:27,490
They're closing the glue factory.
186
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,490
Oh, for f...!
187
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:30,490
You could say, er,
they've come unstuck.
188
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BOTH LAUGH
189
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Boom!
THEY LAUGH
190
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:39,490
You've stopped the presses because
a factory's closing down? Aye.
191
00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:41,490
What was last week's headline? Er...
192
00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:43,490
"Factory closes."
193
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:44,490
And the week before?
194
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,490
Aye, "Factory closes."
195
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:49,490
And the week before that? Ah.
196
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:50,490
Er...
197
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:52,490
"Dog...
198
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,490
"burns down factory."
199
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,490
HE SIGHS
200
00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:59,490
And Pauline's working
these days, as well.
201
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:03,490
I'm an estate agent.
She's a trainee estate agent.
202
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:06,490
I think to actually
be an estate agent
203
00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:08,490
you have to have sold
an actual house.
204
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:11,490
Don't you, Pauline?
Or am I mistaken?
205
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:15,490
Dot's right, I haven't quite
hit me sales target this month.
206
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:17,490
Oh, targets, is it now?
SHE CHUCKLES
207
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:20,490
Have they got guns at this office?
208
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:23,490
No, but if we had I would have
brought one home a long time ago.
209
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:27,490
Anyway, I'm working on some
exciting leads at the minute.
210
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,490
They've a bell in your office
that they ring
211
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,490
when somebody sells something,
don't they, Pauline?
212
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:34,490
The sales bell, yeah.
213
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:37,490
But I gather
Pauline's only heard the bell.
214
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:41,490
She's not actually rung it herself,
have you, flower?
215
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:42,490
No, but I'm sure it won't be long,
216
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:46,490
what with the loving support network
I have in me own home.
217
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:48,490
There it is, you see?
218
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,500
That attitude
I was telling yous about.
219
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:54,490
And at me best friend's wake,
as well.
220
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:55,500
Just heartless.
221
00:10:57,500 --> 00:11:00,500
I'll have one of them cakes with
the little grave on, Pauline.
222
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:05,490
Well, thank you for coming in,
Mr McClusky. Stuart. No bother.
223
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:08,490
When I rang, they said you didn't
go out for stories any more,
224
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,490
so I'd best come in.
225
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:12,490
It's raining.
226
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:15,490
Sorry, Stuart,
that's not the OFFICIAL policy.
227
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:18,490
Look, I don't know what it is
you think we can do here?
228
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,490
Three generations of McCluskys
has worked at that factory.
229
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,490
I know, it's a shame, like.
230
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:25,490
Nobody wants glue any more.
231
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:29,490
Aye, he's not wrong.
Even my young un's given it up.
232
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,490
I didn't even want to run it,
I just sort of fell into it,
233
00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:34,490
and before you know it
I'm trapped in Hebburn
234
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,490
with all these people
depending on me.
235
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:37,490
I know how you feel, mate.
236
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,490
I mean, I tried to branch out
to make more of meself.
237
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,490
Preaching to the choir.
238
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,490
Is there nothing you can do?
239
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,500
Look...we're just one local paper.
240
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:51,490
Nobody cares! Nobody!
HE SOBS
241
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:53,490
Oh, come on, mate, don't cry.
242
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:55,490
Er... David, do something!
243
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:57,490
Of course.
244
00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:01,490
Can you turn this way
and try and cry to camera?
245
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:02,490
Nice big tears now...
246
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,490
STUART SOBS
Magic!
247
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,500
LL SING: ? It's no, nay, never
248
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:11,490
? No, nay, never no more
249
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:15,490
? And I'll play the wild rover
250
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:18,490
? No, never no more! ?
Oh, God, no!
251
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,500
SINGING CONTINUES
252
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:27,490
Oh, hiya, Denise, flower.
253
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:30,490
Pauline, man. I'm meant to be taking
this lot back to the home.
254
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,490
You cannot let them start singing.
255
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,490
I'll not shift 'em
once they get going!
256
00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:35,490
They're like musical bloody limpets!
257
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:39,490
Denise, I don't know what to do,
the solicitor's coming in half an hour to read the will.
258
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:41,490
Oh. Is he now?
259
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:43,490
? Well, I'll play the wild rover... ?
260
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,490
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
261
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:47,490
Whoa! Right! First things first.
262
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,490
You, bargain-basement Buble, out.
263
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,490
Denise... Now!
264
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:53,490
Yep.
265
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:57,490
Right, the rest of you,
that's enough warbling.
266
00:12:57,500 --> 00:12:58,490
Yous can stop now.
267
00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:00,490
Oh, but we will not!
268
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:04,490
This is Betty's do
and we're sending her off properly.
269
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,490
That's the trouble with the young,
isn't it?
270
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:09,490
They've no interest in
what's right and proper.
271
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:13,490
Well, the solicitor's coming over
in half an hour to read the will,
272
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:17,490
so yous'll all find out
what you're getting your arthritic little claws on.
273
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:20,490
That got your right and proper
interest, has it?
274
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,490
Ooh! A will reading!
275
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,490
Do you know, I knew
when I got up this morning
276
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:27,490
it was going to be a good day!
277
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,490
Right, let's cut to the good stuff.
278
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:33,490
ALL: ? Amazing grace
279
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:38,490
HOOVER WHINES
? How sweet the sound
280
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:44,500
? That saved a wretch like me ?
281
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,490
Um...what's that interesting noise?
282
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:51,490
Song of the dead?
283
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:54,490
I mean, I'm trying to study
and it's quite distracting.
284
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,490
I wouldn't mind, but it hasn't
been amazing or graceful.
285
00:13:56,500 --> 00:14:00,490
You want to think yourself lucky,
I used to be able to escape down the pub before I was trapped in here
286
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:04,500
with me knackered arm, me tiredness
and none of me promised cake.
287
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:08,490
I'm sorry, I'm just...I'm quite
emotional at the moment.
288
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:11,490
Erm...I know I should be
thinking of others
289
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,500
and this is really selfish of me.
290
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:16,490
And now I'm crying cos I'm crying!
291
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:19,490
Maybe I could...tell you a joke?
292
00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:22,490
SHE SOBS
293
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:23,500
Your jokes are awful.
294
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,490
And now I feel really sad
295
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:28,500
because none of the others
have ever told you!
296
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:33,490
Do you half a hug
with me one good arm.
297
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:35,500
SHE LAUGHS
298
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:39,490
Sarah? What do you think
you're doing, hugging my dad?
299
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,490
Get your own Dad
if you want hugging.
300
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,490
I'm just trying to cheer her up.
301
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,490
You cannae be tiring him
out with excess hugging.
302
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:47,490
He's not a well man.
Come on, let's get you to bed.
303
00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:50,490
You should be trying to squeeze
your rehabilitation ball,
304
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:53,490
not be standing here
letting Sarah upset you.
305
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:57,490
I wasn't upsetting him! It's just...
We just want some peace and quiet.
306
00:14:57,500 --> 00:15:00,490
I've got all my PhD stuff to do
and your dad wanted to have a nap.
307
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,490
It's just impossible
with all that racket
308
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:04,500
coming from the old Spice Girls!
309
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,490
Right, well, you can come with me
and Gervaise to the pub.
310
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,490
It'll be dead down there, anyway.
311
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,500
You'll get loads done. Howay.
312
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:16,500
JUKEBOX PLAYS QUIETLY
313
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,490
? Never!
314
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:23,490
? Forget where you're coming from
315
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:25,490
? Never!
316
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:28,490
? Pretend that it's all real... ?
317
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,490
It's three o'clock.
318
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:32,490
So? Why is he singing
at three o'clock?
319
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,490
They let him rehearse
in the afternoon,
320
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,490
otherwise he sings them at night
without the proper preparation
321
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:41,490
and all of the older customers have
to turn their hearing aids off.
322
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:45,490
Which the stupid fire officer
reckons turns them into a fire risk.
323
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,490
Well, I might as well go home then.
324
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:49,490
Oh, howay man, Sarah,
you can do your work here.
325
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,490
I'll help you, man.
326
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,490
I'm not sure.
327
00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:55,490
Well, how hard can it be?
328
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:57,490
You're doing psychology.
329
00:15:57,500 --> 00:16:00,490
Well, it's not exactly
brain surgery.
330
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:02,490
Is it?
331
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:07,490
Um, well, I am designing a new
questionnaire for the field study.
332
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,490
Right, well, just question me.
333
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:12,490
Although I've got no experience
in a field.
334
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,490
Denise is the one you want
to ask about that.
335
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:18,490
I like the fresh air, you see,
Pauline. Good for the baby.
336
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:22,490
Aye, I suppose. You seem to be coping
well with the pregnancy mind, flower.
337
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:25,490
Hmm. It's not that bad,
but it's got us ravenous,
338
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:28,490
in more ways than one,
if you know what I mean. SHE LAUGHS
339
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:29,490
Lovely.
340
00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:32,490
Do you want some of this cake,
Pauline? It's lush, like.
341
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:36,490
Oh, just a bijou bit for me, petal.
Eh?
342
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,490
Bijou. It's one of me
estate agent words.
343
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,490
I think it means proper tiny.
344
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,490
"A bijou apartment
with commanding views"
345
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:45,490
is what we say for a bedsit
overlooking a car park.
346
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:48,490
How's it going, anyway,
being back at work?
347
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:52,490
I think I like it,
but I'm having trouble making a sale.
348
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:53,490
But it's nice to be the breadwinner -
349
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:56,490
or in this case cake-winner -
for a change, you know.
350
00:16:56,500 --> 00:17:00,490
I know what you mean. I love working
at the old folks home. Uh-huh.
351
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,490
It's nice, you know,
having people to talk to.
352
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,490
Even if they can't quite hear
what you say.
353
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:08,490
When are you going to start
your maternity leave? Dunno.
354
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,500
Think I'll probably keep going till
there's an arm hanging out of us.
355
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:15,490
Right, I'm off. Get these delivered.
356
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:16,490
The newspapers that don't
have the story
357
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:18,490
that could help keep
the factory open.
358
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,490
Are you still going on about this?!
I told you, it's a lost cause.
359
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:25,490
Jack, I'm a lost cause. This is
something you could do summat about, summat for your community!
360
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:27,490
I am doing something -
keeping you employed
361
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:30,490
so you don't go back to climbing
through the community's windows when they're out.
362
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,490
Fine. I'm off.
363
00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:35,490
Fly safe, Hermes.
Take our words to the mortals.
364
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,490
I'm not Hermes,
I've got a girlfriend!
365
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,490
He's right, he has.
366
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,490
Right, I'll see you at the pub then,
I suppose.
367
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:43,490
I doubt it! Sarah's not too keen on
us drinking when she...
368
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,490
PHONE RINGS
369
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:48,490
Speak of the angel.
370
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:49,490
Hello, sweetheart, what's up?
371
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:51,490
'I'm in the pub.' She's in the pub!
372
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:53,490
Do you want me to stop
the presses again?
373
00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:56,490
Yes, Jack, I'm in Swayzes,
and we need to talk.
374
00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:59,490
I can't get any work done at your
mum's, I can't get any peace here...
375
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:01,490
I think it's time
we had our own place!
376
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:04,490
'What we need is a solid,
well-thought-out plan
377
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,490
'of how we're going to do this.'
378
00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:08,490
And the pub is the perfect place
to make such a plan.
379
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,490
I'll be there in a minute. Love ya!
380
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:11,490
SHE SIGHS
381
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:14,490
Well, at the risk of losing
my Parent of the Year award,
382
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,490
I'm off to meet my pregnant wife
in the pub.
383
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:20,490
So, this questionnaire
is on identity.
384
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,490
How women define themselves
within the relationship.
385
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,490
Right.
386
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:27,490
I'm defined as "the girlfriend".
387
00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:29,490
No...
388
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:30,490
Here we go.
389
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:33,500
Question one. What are your
common goals as a couple?
390
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,490
We're not common, Sarah.
391
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:40,490
Gervaise is a highly sought-after
artiste and I'm his girlfriend.
392
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:42,490
That's hardly common.
393
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:43,490
I don't think this is going to work.
394
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,490
Please, pet.
I promise I'll get them all right.
395
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:48,490
It's not a case of getting them
right. How it works is...
396
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:51,490
Excuse me, but this isn't
the first questionnaire I've done.
397
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:53,490
I did one in Cosmo the other week
398
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:57,490
and I found out that I'm sexy
and not slutty, actually.
399
00:18:57,500 --> 00:19:00,500
Despite what the stuff
in the gents toilets might say.
400
00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:04,490
"..being of sound mind
and disposing memory
401
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:06,490
"and not acting under duress..."
402
00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:10,490
Yes, yes! Come on, son,
get to the meat of it.
403
00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:13,490
He's acting like I've
never heard a will read.
404
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:17,490
Who gets what, and when,
and how much?
405
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:20,490
Man alive! The grief's
taking it's toll on you, Mum.
406
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:24,490
Hey, I'll grieve for Betty
when her affairs are in order.
407
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:28,490
Hopefully, with a set of silver
EastEnders teaspoons.
408
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,490
You'll have to excuse
my mother-in-law,
409
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:33,490
she isn't really aware of the
importance of a legal document.
410
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:37,490
In my line of work, I have to be
very au fait with it, though.
411
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:39,490
Oh, do you work in law, as well?
I'm an estate agent.
412
00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:42,490
One who's yet to sell a house.
413
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:46,490
You're like a serial killer,
Pauline, but one who's yet to kill.
414
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,490
I know where I'd start.
HE LAUGHS
415
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:50,490
Anyway, how do you know you'll get
anything at all?
416
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,490
She might have left it all
to charity.
417
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,490
No, no, Betty hated charity.
418
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:58,490
She was a very cruel woman,
was Betty.
419
00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:00,490
Admirably so.
420
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,490
Hmm. Yes, there's no mention
in here of charity.
421
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:08,490
Apparently, the EastEnders
teaspoon collection goes to a...
422
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:09,490
Winny Thompson?
423
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,490
Winny?!
424
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:15,490
After what she did,
she should be getting nowt!
425
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:17,490
Oh, this is typical of Betty!
426
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:20,490
You think you've got a best friend,
427
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,490
but I always knew.
428
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:26,500
I KNEW inside
that she was a wrong 'un.
429
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:30,490
"And to my dearest Dot Pearson,
430
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:33,490
"the best friend
a person could ever have...
431
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:38,500
"I leave all my other worldly goods,
including my house."
432
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:40,500
Shit the bed.
433
00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:49,490
He sings us lullabies down the phone
when I'm going to sleep.
434
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:53,490
When I said, "How does he help you
achieve your dreams?"
435
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:55,490
what I meant was, erm...
436
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:57,500
Was...
437
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:02,500
Look, is there nothing
you've ever really wanted to do?
438
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:06,490
I want to get a sunbed.
439
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:08,490
Anything else?
440
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,490
I need to meet Cheryl.
441
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,490
Oh, look...
442
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,490
Anything you want to achieve
just for you?
443
00:21:14,500 --> 00:21:17,500
Something you've never told
anyone else?
444
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:21,490
Well, there is...one thing. Go on.
445
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:25,490
I've always fancied having a go
at that poetry.
446
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:26,490
Really?
447
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:29,490
Like Wordsworth or Emily Dickinson?
448
00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:31,490
No, man, like the people
that write the ones
449
00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:33,490
in the cards in the florists.
450
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:36,490
I really want to write
the little poems that go in them.
451
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:39,490
But it's just a daft
little wish, isn't it?
452
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:42,490
No, it's not!
All right, man, calm down!
453
00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:45,490
Sorry, hormones. Look,
there's nothing in this world
454
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:48,490
that you can't do, Vicki,
you just have to try!
455
00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:50,490
Look, man, it's not for me.
456
00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:53,490
Listen, Gervaise says it's dead hard
to write lyrics and stuff.
457
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:57,490
I mean, I've read some of his
and they're awful...
458
00:21:57,500 --> 00:21:59,500
and he's really good at it.
459
00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:02,490
Hello, ladies.
460
00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:04,490
Just resting my vocal cords.
461
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:06,490
I'm going to do the future classics
section in a minute.
462
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:09,490
Might start with that new one I wrote
a few days ago.
463
00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:11,490
SHE GASPS
Lush Cuddle? Yeah, Lush Cuddle.
464
00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:14,490
So, what are you ladies
talking about? Nothing.
465
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:18,490
We were just talking about how Vicki
can do anything she wants.
466
00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:19,490
Anything at all.
467
00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:20,490
Course you can, baby.
468
00:22:20,500 --> 00:22:24,490
But as long as it's not on a Tuesday
or Thursday afternoon, yeah?
469
00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:26,490
She does my fake tan then,
470
00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:30,490
and at this stage in my career
I can't risk having an uneven coat.
471
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:32,490
He's right, he can't be streaky.
472
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:33,500
Can't he?
473
00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:36,490
Pint of lager please, love.
474
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,500
WOMAN: Coming right up, Mr Murdoch.
475
00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:41,490
HE SIGHS
476
00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:44,490
Right, howay then,
let's do this detailed plan.
477
00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:47,490
I've had enough of this attitude,
Jack!
478
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,490
You need to pick your head up
and sort yourself out!
479
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:52,490
Don't worry, it's just the hormones.
No, it's not!!
480
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:55,490
Well, yes, maybe it is,
but the point still stands!
481
00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,490
You need to get it through your head
you can't just flop around
482
00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,490
feeling sorry for yourself,
because that doesn't help us!
483
00:23:00,500 --> 00:23:01,500
We need a house!
484
00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:04,490
Understood.
485
00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:06,500
I think I need a whisky chaser.
486
00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:15,490
Yous need to get rid of this house,
like. Why's that, flower?
487
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,490
Well, if the council find out
she's got property,
488
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:21,490
they'll take it off her to pay
for her bills at the old folks home.
489
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:22,490
Well, we're not buying it.
490
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:25,490
I've already got one house
I can't afford,
491
00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:27,490
I'm not going bankrupt
in two places at once.
492
00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:28,500
I know money's tight.
493
00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:32,490
I could try and sell it
through the estate agent?
494
00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:35,490
SHE LAUGHS
I don't think I've got that long left, Pauline.
495
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:37,490
Could Jack not buy it?
496
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,490
SHE LAUGHS
No chance!
497
00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,490
He's got debt that would make
a Greek finance minister blush.
498
00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:43,490
Can she not just give it away?
499
00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:45,490
Nah. They'll find out
and they'll want the money
500
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:47,490
or they'll kick her out.
501
00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:50,490
This isn't some disorganised bunch
of amateurs you're talking about -
502
00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:52,490
this is the local council.
503
00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:55,490
Factory set to close!
Local paper does nowt about it!
504
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:58,490
Editor can't be arsed!
All right, man, all right.
505
00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:00,490
I haven't finished getting
a bollocking from my wife yet,
506
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:03,490
but if you want to join the queue
I've got a testicle going spare.
507
00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:06,490
So that's that, is it? Jack,
sometimes in life you have to say,
508
00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:08,490
"I'm going to fix this
and I will not be distracted."
509
00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:11,490
Are you coming home or not?
I've got the urge.
510
00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:15,490
You can always be replaced with
something that takes batteries.
511
00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:19,490
Right, I'm off. Here's your papers,
Big Keith, Ian Three Fingers...
512
00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:21,490
Sorry, mate, I forgot.
I've got to go, I'm on a promise.
513
00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:23,490
Very disappointed.
514
00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:24,490
HE SIGHS
515
00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:27,490
Even Ramsey has a better life
than us, and you know why?
516
00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:29,490
Because he is motivated.
517
00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:30,490
Motiv...?! What, by Denise
518
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:34,490
and whatever she does
with that spicy sausage?! Eurgh!
519
00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:36,490
Jack, where are you?
520
00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:38,490
I'm here, with you.
521
00:24:38,500 --> 00:24:40,490
Letting you down again.
522
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:43,490
No, where's my Jack? The Jack
I fell in love with? Where's he?
523
00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:45,490
The Jack who would pick me a flower
524
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:47,500
just cos he thought
it would make me smile?
525
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:51,490
I'm sorry, love, Jack's been
asleep for quite some time.
526
00:24:51,500 --> 00:24:54,490
SHE SIGHS
527
00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:56,490
Wha...! The baby! It kicked!
528
00:24:56,500 --> 00:24:59,490
It kicked us in the face!
I felt it, too!
529
00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:01,490
Hold on, I'll see if it does it
again. OK.
530
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,500
Hello? You in there?
531
00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:09,490
It got us in the eye that time!
It's definitely a Geordie then.
532
00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:12,490
This is amazing! So is the old Jack
awake now? Too right he is!
533
00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:14,490
You've got a little kicky person
inside you
534
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:16,490
and it's going to fall out
and I'm going to be its dad!
535
00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:18,490
And I'm going to be
a better husband.
536
00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:22,490
Vicki, get some earplugs tonight -
the thin walls are going to shake.
537
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:24,490
Vicki, remember, you can do
whatever you want.
538
00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:26,500
That might help.
539
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:31,490
What's she on about? Nothing.
540
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:35,490
So, go on then, tell us about
your album cover again.
541
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:38,490
A panther, with handlebars,
and I'm astride it.
542
00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:41,490
And it's on fire.
543
00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:42,500
Lush.
544
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:46,490
I could sell that house for you
if I wanted, you know.
545
00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:47,490
Of course you could.
546
00:25:47,500 --> 00:25:51,490
Even a rock turns to sand,
given enough time.
547
00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:53,490
Don't be like that! Like what?
548
00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:56,490
Like you! All passive-agressivey.
549
00:25:56,500 --> 00:26:00,490
You're like a jellyfish, you,
sometimes, just waiting to sting.
550
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:04,490
Oh, I think you've misread my
affection for you, Pauline. PAULINE LAUGHS
551
00:26:04,500 --> 00:26:08,490
That's your biggest fault.
That and your impatience.
552
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:11,490
Whatever. I'm glad I'm not
selling your stupid house, anyway.
553
00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:13,490
The way houses are selling
at the minute,
554
00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,490
you'd probably get way
below what it's worth
555
00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:17,490
and then you'd be in your element,
wouldn't you?
556
00:26:17,500 --> 00:26:19,490
I'd never hear the end of it.
557
00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:23,490
Really? How much below?
Dot, we're in a recession.
558
00:26:23,500 --> 00:26:26,490
You could probably pick up a house
for the change in your purse.
559
00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:29,490
That and your growing collection
of other people's pension books.
560
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:32,490
Pauline, I never thought
I'd hear meself saying this,
561
00:26:32,500 --> 00:26:35,490
but that is a brilliant idea.
562
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:39,490
What is? There's that impatience
rearing its ugly head again.
563
00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:42,490
Never mind, pet,
you'll find out in the morning.
564
00:26:42,500 --> 00:26:43,490
ENGINE STARTS
565
00:26:43,500 --> 00:26:46,490
And if you could just sign...here.
566
00:26:46,500 --> 00:26:50,500
This is madness! And we just need
the exchange of funds.
567
00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:55,490
Gran, this is so generous of you.
I can't believe me and Sarah have got our own house.
568
00:26:55,500 --> 00:26:58,490
Oh, of course, I nearly forgot
the co-owner.
569
00:26:58,500 --> 00:27:01,490
Half a house! I've got half a house!
570
00:27:01,500 --> 00:27:05,490
Gran, can we not just...? It's only
fair you share with your sister.
571
00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:09,490
Now count your blessings. Right,
well, I think we're done here.
572
00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:13,490
BELL
Whoo!
573
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:14,490
SHE LAUGHS
574
00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:16,490
Local paper gets it's arse
into gear!
575
00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:18,490
Starts campaign to save factory!
576
00:27:18,500 --> 00:27:20,490
Oh?
577
00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:21,490
And who did this?
578
00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:24,490
The same bloke who's going
to pick his wife a flower
579
00:27:24,500 --> 00:27:25,490
just to make her smile.
580
00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:27,490
Oh! Aww!
581
00:27:27,500 --> 00:27:31,490
Right, I cannae waste time with
yous lot, I've got stuff to do.
582
00:27:31,500 --> 00:27:32,490
Aye, what's so pressing, like?
583
00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:35,490
Well, I've been reading that leaflet
that Sarah give us for the college.
584
00:27:35,500 --> 00:27:37,500
I'm going to enrol!
585
00:27:40,500 --> 00:27:42,490
There's a whole world out there,
586
00:27:42,500 --> 00:27:44,490
and I'm going to learn
the shite out of it.
587
00:27:44,500 --> 00:27:45,490
Ta-ra!
588
00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:47,500
See you, pet.
589
00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:51,490
Is Pauline in?
590
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:53,490
No, she's at work.
591
00:27:53,500 --> 00:27:55,490
That's probably for the best. Why?
592
00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:59,490
Seems somebody couldn't keep their
mouth shut at the home, could they?
593
00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:01,490
About giving a house away
for two quid to her grandchildren.
594
00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:03,490
Someone grassed us up!
595
00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:08,490
I think it was Winny - she wasn't
happy with just those teaspoons.
596
00:28:08,500 --> 00:28:10,490
They've kicked us out, Joe.
597
00:28:10,500 --> 00:28:12,490
But I said it would be all right,
598
00:28:12,500 --> 00:28:14,490
because now that Jack
and Sarah have gone,
599
00:28:14,500 --> 00:28:18,500
well, you've room here for your
little old mam, haven't you?
600
00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:25,500
? Welcome home
601
00:28:26,500 --> 00:28:30,490
? Welcome
602
00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:33,490
? Come on in
603
00:28:33,500 --> 00:28:36,500
? And close the door
604
00:28:38,500 --> 00:28:45,490
? You've been gone too long
605
00:28:45,500 --> 00:28:48,490
? Welcome
606
00:28:48,500 --> 00:28:52,490
? You're home once more. ?
607
00:28:52,540 --> 00:28:57,090
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