All language subtitles for Hebburn s01e06 A Very Big Day.eng

Isn't it amazing. You and me.
Getting married tomorrow?

Yeah. It is amazing.
Cos we're already married.

The mistake we made
was having it in Vegas

and forgetting the family would
want a re-run in Hebburn.

But in Vegas we were just
mucking about. This is real.

I mean, have you seen the size
of your mum's hat?

Yeah, once the brim goes past seven
inches there's no going back.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

I've never felt so close to you.

Is it going to be OK?

Course it is, pet.

I wasn't talking to you.

'Course it'll be OK.'

Keep our heads down, get through it.

Bish, bash, bosh.
Be in the pub by three.

Possibly the most romantic thing
you've ever said to me.

I'm worried our mums'll argue again.

What? Who ever heard of
an argument at a wedding?

Are you kidding?

There's always
an argument at a Geordie wedding.

It's nearly the law.

Yeah, but this isn't actually
a wedding. It's a blessing.

Followed by a drinking session.

Which is, in a way,
another blessing.

Except I can't join in, can I?
Not exactly good for the baby.

Hey, but champagne's not
real booze, is it?

Yes. It's one of the realest.

Are you sure?
I mean, I'm pregnant an' all.

Surely three or four champagnes
just means the baby's

in on the party too, doesn't it?

Sounds like the ante-natal classes
have started well through there.

Denise, we can't drink at all.

We've have to think of what's
best for baby.

Bugger.

What's up?

Well, I told Gervaise I was
pregnant as well, didn't I?

To stop him pissing off
to Great Yarmouth.

If I drink tomorrow, he'll know
something's wrong, won't he?

Sounds like everything's wrong.

I'll have you know he was
very excited about the baby.

Once he'd stopped crying.
And running.

Anyway, I might be pregnant after
what me and Gervaise got up to

in here this afternoon.

In this bed?
Did you change the sheets?

Don't worry, man,
we put something down.

Denise's sleeping bag.

Right.

Margaret's granddaughter had
a six-tier wedding cake.

And we cannit let her beat us.

Seven tiers?

Nine.

Nine? You'll be able to see
it from the moon!

Listen pet,
I'm paying for this wedding.

And one thing it's not
going to be is dreary.

And besides, it might be
the last one I ever go to.

So we are having the biggest
and best of everything.

I want a cake tall enough
for King Kong to climb up.

And napkins so nice we're
going to have to stop folk

from stealing them.

Well, let's stop faffing and get
building this fruity skyscraper.

That's always been your problem,
hasn't it, Pauline?

Got no conversational skills.

You just leave me to it.
I'll have this done in no time.

Aye, maybe I'll just help you get
started, eh, Dot?

It's a woman's prerogative.
This is your kitchen.

No matter how shamefully
organised it is.

So, I'll get on with rolling out
20 pounds of marzipan.

You get that sack of sultanas
and put them in the mixing bin.

Right.

Wow!

I'd be happy just to marry that.

Of course, it's mainly down
to your Gran.

The only thing I put in
was all the effort.

Do you think wedding cake
knows it's wedding cake?

Probably not, pet.

Why don't you go and ask Denise?
I will.

Dot?

Dot?

Dot!

Um? I was just resting my eyes.

Feast your eyes on this!

Eeee!

Oh, no,
I wouldn't have done it like that.

Come on! I need a shower.

What are you doing in there?
Remodelling it?

We're getting ready, man!

Sarah's in the shower, I'm doing
me last coat of fake tan

and Denise's finishing shaving.

No-one cares if she's got hairy
legs, they'll not be looking at her.

I'm shaving higher up than me legs.

Right, we're coming out.

What on earth are you doing?

It's bad luck to see me
before the service.

Unlike you, Jack, I'm taking
this seriously.

Yeah, you've never looked
more serious.

You know what your problem is, Jack?

Aaah!

Oh, no, man!

Oh, my God!

She's popped her nose.

It's all right pet, we'll get you
sorted in my room. Denise!

You'll be wanting your razor back.

Keep it. Or burn it. And bury it.

Bloody hell!

If that was any taller,
it'd be a terrorist target.

Eee, look at you!
You're like a young Alan Shearer.

But handsome.

Let's hope the bride turns up, eh?

Well, Mam, it's not a wedding,
it's a blessing.

Sorry, pet?

I thought you just said I was
going to all this trouble

for something that isn't a wedding.

It's not! We're already married.

Jack, the happiest day
of a mother's life

is watching her son get married.

Me and your dad have prepared
ourselves for the fact

that your sister will probably end
up having a few goes,

But you will only do this once,
for a second time.

So, to keep your Mam happy,
this is a wedding. Capisce, pet?

I suppose so.

Good lad.

I remember at my wedding, dear,
your Granddad knocked the cake over.

He was drunk as a skunk.

I might not observe that
particular family tradition.

I'm sure it was still
a very special day, Dot.

Oh, aye.
He used the font as an ashtray.

The priest said some very
un-Christian things.

Pure romance. Mam, have you seen
me cufflinks anywhere?

In the Good Room. Mind, you can
go in for them, then that's it.

I'm having no-one else in there
today. My God, it's half eleven!

Go and get your Dad!

If you cannit move him, tell him
I've got the credit card out

and I'm watching QVC.
That'll shift him.

I could do with a freshen up meself.

Hold us over the sink, Pauline.
I'll wipe meself down.

And with that ladies,
I'll bid you farewell.

Dad?

What you doing in here? No-ones
supposed to be in here today.

She'll kill you!

Exactly. It's the last place
she'll look.

So are you coming to me
blessing/wedding or what?

Yeah, just thought I'd have
a little doze first.

Your mam has entered her
organisational phase,

and I thought it's best
to hide and wait it out.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you.

You know they say your wedding day
is the happiest day of your life?

Yeah. Well, it's not.

Brilliant. So, you're telling
us that today!

Your wedding day is just
about you standing up

in front of the people
that you love and saying,

"This is who I want to spend the
rest of me life with,

"and from now on, we're not
two people, we're one."

So, if you and Mam are one,
how come you're hiding in here?

Sometimes it's better to be one
person in separate rooms.

Sounds ominous. So, is this me
little pep talk, then?

No, but if I was to give you
any advice,

it would be just try and be kind
to each other,

and try to not get stressed
about giving in a lot.

And I wanted to show you this.

It's not the Antiques Roadshow, Dad.

That watch was your grandfather's.
He wore that for 38 years.

Sailed all around the world
wearing that.

Got into bar fights in Australia
wearing that watch,

slept rough in Russia
when he'd missed his ship.

He was on two ships that sank
wearing that watch.

So, it's a cursed watch?

Nah, son.

But I'll tell you what, after 38
years of hell and high water,

that watch is absolutely buggered.

So it's a cursed, broken watch.

12:30 all day long.

He gave it to me to wear
on me wedding day

and me and your Mam have been
as happy as she'll allow.

Cheers.

Anyway, it'd mean a lot to me, son,
if you'd wear that today,

and hopefully it'll being
you good luck

and your and Sarah's marriage will be
as harmonious as me and your Mam's.

Joe! If you'd like to see a funeral
as well as a wedding today,

then I suggest you keep hiding.
Otherwise, get down here!

Good luck, son.

Mother, looking demure as always.

Where have you been?
Honestly, today of all days!

I didn't think you needed us.

Oh, I always need you, Joe.
I need you here, with me.

Now, get out of me way.

Didn't the doctor say I was
to be kept stress free?

High blood pressure, remember?

You can be stress free tomorrow,
but today is my big day.

Whose big day?
Sarah's big day.

I meant Sarah, obviously.

I'll get it! It'll be me groomsmen.
I'll see yous all at the church, eh?

Best of luck, pet. Don't be nervous.
Focus on Sarah,

and not the rows and rows and rows
of folk watching you.

Great, thanks.

Bloody hell, it's the A-Team!

Best man, reporting for duty.

I've got to say, Ramsey, you're
looking fair sophisticated, son.

Cheers, like.

Viagra? For the wedding night?

I'm all right, mate. I grow me own.

Marial, I'm assuming you're going to
want to join the coven upstairs?

Funnily enough,
I am actually a white witch.

I never doubted it for a second.

I'll see you later.

Aye, belter like.

Hi.

Oh, hello!

Marial. Listen, I'll walk with you.
Give you a bit more fatherly advice.

And my first bit of advice
I'd like to give you is...

There's always time
for a swift pint. Howay.

You look proper lush, like, Sarah,
once you've clotted up.

Promise? Mm-hmm.

Are you sure you don't want
a quick wipe with fake tan?

Just subtle, like?
Not the full Fanta?

No, really, thanks.

Gosh, I'm nervous.

Why?

You've nowt to worry about now, man.

Today, you're closing
the door on yesterday,

and opening the door
to a whole new world.

Aye, now you can just sit back,
get a house with Jack

and fire out bairns on an
interest-free settee.

Woah. That's not very
feminist, Denise.

Being a wife doesn't mean you have
to take a subservient role.

Hey, I went out with
Jack for two years,

and trust me,
he does enjoy a bit of subservience.

Denise! What did I say?

You can be a bridesmaid so long as
you don't remind me

that you and Jack used to...

go together.

My lips are sealed.

He liked that as well.

Bit of a challenge.

I was thinking of singing
Ave Maria at the wedding.

Y'know, with Sarah being all Jewish
and that.

I'm not sure.
It won't be tacky, man.

I'll do it with
a bossa nova beat.

Mate, can I just say, it's a proper
honour to be your best man.

Wasn't a difficult decision, really,
mate. What were me other choices?

I'm proper touched, like.

And just so you know,
I'm taking it seriously.

In me speech, I'm going to make you
look like a total bell end.

Cheers mate. Appreciate it.

It'll be good for Hutchy, as well,
to see us in a role of authority.

Might help straighten
the lad out a bit.

How does he feel about you having
a baby with Denise?

After I told him, he only set fire
to like, two things.

Which I think means he's
quite pleased about it.

You know, in an angry way.

But, as a parent, sometimes
you have to let them

work their anger out on their own.

Or in Hutchy's case, on cats.

Eeee!

I might call my mum and dad.
They should have been here ages ago.

Oh!

Pauline! Stop gawping
at the poor lass!

Pay no attention to her, Sarah.

She was exactly like this when Joe
bought her her first microwave.

My God! You're a vision,
our Sarah, a vision.

I feel a bit itchy.

Itchy! You don't know
what itchy is, pet.

When I got married,
my dress was 100% polyester.

But I looked all right,
if I do say so meself.

The static off that polyester dress!
She was like a fairy with an afro.

Come to think of it,
I should have had her earthed!

And when he took me hand,
there was like a spark between us.

We were so in love.

Awww!

Mind you, you should have seen
the bridesmaids!

The bridesmaids, they were head to
toe in velvet.

It was the '80s.
No-one had seen it done before.

Mind, they were a bit clammy.

I've never seen sweating like it.

They were like waterfalls in
dresses.

It was horrible.

Joe gave me the shock of me life.

I thought he wasn't going
to turn up.

You're kidding. What happened?

I was in here, wasn't I?
Got sidetracked.

Which reminds me.
What time is it, son?

The time sponsored
by The Cursed Watch is 12:30.

What time is it in the real world?

Plenty of time, don't worry.

Certainly time enough
for one more half.

Same again, gentlemen?

Aye, cheers. Nice one.

Appletise?

Hey, what's the magic words?

With ice and a slice.

That's better.

Eeee!

Look at you, my darling!

Hiya, Mum. Hiya, Dad.

You look like an angel. So beau...

Not now, Ben.

Susan, we were beginning to worry
you'd not make it.

Our invitation said four. We'd have
missed the whole thing if we got here then, wouldn't we?

That'll be me.
I did the invitations.

I get muddled up, you know.

Sometimes, you see, I put down four

when what I really mean is
don't come at all.

Hush, Dot!

Hello, Miriam, love.

It's Marial now, Dad, remember.

Miriam.

How... interesting you look.
And you too, Dot. What are you?

I'm a bridesmaid.

They couldn't get married
without me being a bridesmaid.

Did they say that?

No, I did.

But since I'm paying
for the wedding,

it didn't seem to be a problem.

It's just a shame that you couldn't
afford to chip in, isn't it?

Now, please, Dot. This is a very
special day of celebration.

And we are very happy to have
Susan and Ben here with us.

What time are you going?

Well, looks like the car's here,
so...

Wow, look at that car!

Nowt but the best for our Sarah.

It's the only wedding car
in Hebburn.

Half the town's used it. There's
a lot of history in that car.

I married Joe in that car.

I conceived Joe in that car.

I had to book it
under an assumed name

cos I think I might still be banned.

Limousine for Miss Streisand?

What? They're Jewish, aren't they?

I was panicking when I booked it.

Yes, Streisand, that's us.
Right, let's get you in.

There we go.

And Ben, of course,
father of the bride.

Susan, I imagine you'll be
travelling with us.

Let the bride and her father
have some private time...

No, I'll go with them.
I'll see you later.

Move over, Ben.

Has anyone seen me watch?

Nah, I don't believe in them, mate.
I'm not a slave to the clock.

Used to drive them mad
when I had to sign on.

In the end they just put on me
card "afternoons".

The strap's a bit dodgy,
it's probably just come off.

While me Dad's at the bar,
can you just help us look for it?

It means the world to him. Howay.

What's going on?
Is it the call to prayer?

All right, Dad. We're just looking
for Big Keith's contact lens.

I didn't know you wore them.
Oh, aye. I love 'em.

They're like spectacles
without the ear hook things.

I know what they are.

It's a special day,
you know, for a father,

when his daughter gets married.

I know we were there in Vegas,

but this is like a proper
wedding, isn't it?

No. It's a blessing, Ben.

You wonder what these people
would do for a real wedding.

The grandmother's
one of the bridesmaids,

they've made their own cake.

Is she going to be walking
down the aisle

to the strains of a
toothless banjo player?

It's of course traditional for me
to ask if you have any doubts.

Because I could just get this car
to whisk us back to York.

No, Dad, I'm sure.

Are you really, though?
You're an educated woman.

You don't want to
throw your life away.

And let's face it,

these people are pretty much
gypsies who live in houses.

I'm not throwing my life away.

I'm closing the door on yesterday

and opening the door
to a whole new world.

Oh, that's very wise.

Who did you hear that from?

It's the Lion King, isn't it?

Little bit of a problem.

What might that be, Pauline?

Joe and the boys are a
little bit delayed,

so you might want to
drive around the block.

Shouldn't be more than two minutes.

Our Vicki's just on the phone now,
chasing them up.

OK. OK, but listen...
Vicki? Vicki, wait...

Lads, we need to get the church.
Fast as we can, like.

Now!

Where the bloody hell have you been?

If somebody doesn't get married soon

we'll have a well-dressed
riot on our hands.

Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, gorgeous. Lost track of time.
Do I look like an idiot?

No, you look, you look amazing.

Jack, stop slavering over the lass.

Your Gran had two sherries
before we came out

so we've got half an hour before
she has the urge to surge.

Joe?

I've had to deal with Susan twisting
her face like butter wouldn't melt.

And all the time I'm waiting for her
to ask about you

so I have to say you're
in the pub.

The heavens have opened, your
mother's doing me head in,

I think the cake's going
to melt and...

Do I look all right?

You look beautiful.

You're not even looking!

I don't need to.

You're a bloody smooth talker, you.
Right, come on!

Let's get on with me special day.

Sorry, Sarah. I'm sorry.

Our special day.

Actually Pauline, I think
you'll find... Not now, Susan.

Joe, you all right?

I'm fine, pet. You go in,
I'll sneak in round the back.

I'll tell them to start the music.

I don't think I've ever been
so nervous.

Were you this nervous
on your wedding day?

No. I knew she was the one for me.

Are you...?

Joe?

Oh, my God! Just... just wait there.
Wait there!

I'm not going anywhere, pet.

I found your watch, mate.

Is it that time already?

What's he doing?

Oh, my god! Darling!

What's wrong, pet?

Oh. What is it?

It's all right. I'm here now.
Everything's going to be fine.

What's going on?

It's all right, darling.

Dad?

Dad! What you doing?
What's he doing?

Gervaise, ambulance.
Do not sing to them.

Yous had better hurry up cos that
congregation is turning ugly.

Uglier.

Dad, I need to tell you this,
right, cos you're dying.

He's not dying, Vicki! Shut up!

Oh, Mam, just look at him!
Dad, I'm not pregnant!

I just made it up to keep Gervaise!
What?

What's going on? We came all the way
from York for this...

My husband is not very well, Susan,
so you're just going to have to wait.

What's wrong with him?

Look at his face.
I think he could be having a stroke.

Not a stroke!

Siobhan's Mam had one and now
she swims in circles at the baths!

Is his breathing slurred?

What do you mean?

I mean, is it slurred down, like?

Don't worry Dad.
We're all here for you.

The watch! Where'd you get it?

He still owes me for that.

Hutchy! I've had enough of this!

You're going to stop nicking
off my mates! All right.

And start calling me Dad.

OK, Dad.

Be all right, darling.

The ambulance is on its way.

Is there anything
we can do to help, Pauline?

Yes, please.

Can you make sure everyone gets to
the party at the pub, please, Susan?

Thank you.

This is my worst nightmare.

No. Actually that's
my worst nightmare.

It's OK, angel,
you've just had a fright.

But we're going to see the doctor
and he'll get you fixed up.

You're going nowhere, Joe.

Not yet.

We've still got loads
more to do, haven't we?

You and me? So much more.

The kitchen needs doing,
for a start.

And a conservatory.

You promised me that conservatory
bloody years ago.

You just lie back and relax.

Let the experts work their magic.

Will you bloody hurry up!?

If you go any slower we'd be as good
dropping him off at the morgue!

That's right, pet, just relax.

And I only lied cause I wanted you
to stay with me, in Hebburn.

When you said you were going to
Great Yarmouth,

I was proper scared I'd lose you
to the showbiz lifestyle.

Well, I suppose it's like Cheryl
teaches us.

"We've got to fight for this love".

Hi, I'm Doctor Abineri.
I'm looking after your father.

Is he all right, like? Is he? Is he?
Vicki, let her speak!

He's had a stroke.
But I think we caught it in time.

You can go and see him now, but he's
been given some powerful drugs so just bear that in mind.

And we've given your mother a little
sedative too, just to get her to let go of his hand.

Thank you, doctor.

You need to come with me.

Maybe just one at a time?

They don't really do one at a time.

You sort of have to take them
all together.

You may now kiss the bride.

Now, yous go on,
get away to the party.

I don't think there'll be
a party now, Pauline.

Everyone would have gone home.

What time is it?

It's, er... bloody hell,
the watch has started working!

Joe, it's like magic!

Oh, hold on, it's buggered again.

Get yourselves away.

Me and your dad are just going to
stay here, be together for a bit.

I'm sorry for saying you were dying
when you're not.

But, if you do die, I'll probably be
too upset to go shopping.

So can I get a new black dress now?
I've seen a lush one in Topshop.

I love you.

Don't you worry, son.
You'll be fine.

You've got Pauline here.
She'll take good care of you.

Don't look at me like that, Pauline.

I don't have to like you
to love you.

And sort your makeup out,
you look a right state.

And she's back.

You were right, Dad.

It's all about standing up in front
of the people you love

and saying this is who
I want to be with.

From now on, we're not two
people, we're one.

Did you say that?

He's an old romantic,
but he's right.

You know, you get to the point where
you can read each other's minds,

and you know what
I'm thinking now, Joe?

We should renew our vows.

Just a little service,
a hundred or so.

Oh!

See? He thinks it's a great idea.

See you later, Pauline. Bye, Joe.

See you, my love.

Bye, Dad.

The doctor says you might not be
able to talk for a little while,

but don't you worry, love.

I'll do the talking for both of us.

I'll just put the telly on, eh?

You know, you can slag
Hebburn off for a lot of things...

And you have and will.

But we do do a good bag of chips.

Maybe we should get back to Swayze's
and see if anyone's still there?

Let's not bother.

I can still look for another job,
get us out of here.

I love it here.

I love wherever you are.

If you fancy, we could jump in the
back and consummate the marriage?

Yous can wait until I've finished
my chips, thank you very much.

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