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1
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- Namaste.
- Morning, Miriam.
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I changed my name - it's Marial.
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Course you did. What Miriam wouldn't want to be a Marial?
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So, bro, what's with the suit?
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I'm off to work. Do you remember work?
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Hey, I work. I just choose not to have a career.
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Hey, I'm the new editor of the Hebburn Advertiser.
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So I, too, have chosen not to have a career. Come in.
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Sarah! Your sister's here! She's changed her name again!
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It's Marial now!
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I can't believe you're here!
12
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- Hello!
- Yeah, me, neither.
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Last I heard, you were in Namibia, building a tree house for worms.
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Funny as always, Jack(!)
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But jokes hide the pain we're feeling inside.
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That's Gaviscon you're thinking of. I'd better be off.
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- Bye, girls.
- Ooh! Girls! Is that what we are now? Not women?
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Oh, hold your horses, Emily Pankhurst.
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Oh, before you go, could you take Marial's bag upstairs, please?
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Oh, yeah, could you?
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Right on, sisters. I'll do it when I get back, bye!
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Tell me everything!
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I want to know everything about the Geordie culture.
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And a wedding? Again? This is going to be fascinating.
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There is something else.
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- Go for it.
- I'm pregnant.
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Oh, I knew it!
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Listen, we're keeping it really quiet.
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Only Jack's family know, so please don't tell Mum and Dad.
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It can wait till after the wedding.
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No probs, babes. Oh, this is such good news!
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I'm afraid it's bad news.
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Someone has very high blood pressure.
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Probably because someone else runs really hot baths for 45 minutes.
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- This is serious, Joe.
- I know, you want to see my gas bill.
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- It's a bloody travesty.
- Joe, please! I'm worried! This is about you.
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Now, will you shut up?
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I'm talking about a complete change of lifestyle.
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No fatty foods, whatsoever. And, most of all, relax.
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- De-stress. Pauline, you can help him with this.
- Can I? Oh, you're right.
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It'll be me new project.
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- Nice one. She's got a new project.
- Listen, I'm your wife.
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Your partner through this journey we call life.
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And I'm not doing all the last bit on me own.
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Besides which, you've got a grandchild on the way.
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Sarah has been to see you about our special news, hasn't she?
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I'm sorry, Pauline, I cannot discuss another patient.
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Of course. But her and the baby are doing fine, are they?
49
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I really couldn't say.
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Did you hear that? They're doing fine!
51
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But the doctor says you need relaxing.
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So relaxing's what you're going to get.
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From now on, Joe, wherever you turn, there I'll be, de-stressing you.
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Thanks a lot, mate(!)
55
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'Hebburn Advertiser.'
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Hi, it's Jack Pearson.
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'Who?'
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Jack Pearson, the new editor. Starting today.
59
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Just letting you know I'm on my way into the office.
60
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'Oh, it's a story, is it?
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'I'll put you through to the news desk.'
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No, look, I... Oh, never mind.
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Do you think that chips know they're chips?
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Maybe some chips want to be something more.
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What? Like mash?
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Or waffles?
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To see the world.
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To really live.
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Chips want that?
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Vicki, I've been offered a gig.
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You've already got a gig, singing at Swayzes.
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Five nights a week and twice on Sundays.
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And as long as you keep on cleaning it,
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Siobhan'll let you stay in the spare room.
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I know, I know, but it's the same old songs, the same old people.
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I need to grow, I need to spread my wings as an artist.
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Where's this gig, then?
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Great Yarmouth.
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Summer season, four months.
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Four months?
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But...what about us?
82
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Hey, babe, we'll make it, yeah?
83
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You're breaking my heart.
84
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Cheryl teaches us that I don't need a parachute, baby, if I've got you.
85
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But you're going to Great Yarmouth.
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And you're cutting a hole in me parachute.
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Vicki. Vicki, wait.
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Bloody hell.
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DOOR OPENS
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- Hi.
- Hello. All right?
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I'm David Cowgill,
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photographer and sub-editor. And I'm also the news team.
93
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Ah, right. Jack Pearson, new editor. I'm glad you're here, mate.
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As the new editor, I want to try and make this
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a lot more of a hard-hitting, dynamic paper.
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What are the hot new stories you think we should be covering?
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OK. There's this bloke starting a new job.
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They said he might be coming in later.
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- That was me!
- Should I get a photo?
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No.
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Look, there must be something else we can do a story on.
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There's this couple getting remarried.
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Apparently, when they got married the first time,
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they were pissed up in Vegas. Idiots.
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That was me, as well.
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I'll definitely get a photo, then.
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No! And I'm not an idiot!
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It'll make life easier, now the main source of news actually works here.
109
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- Can you smell something?
- (SNIFFS) Whose is that?
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- It's drugs!
- Eh?
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It's drugs! We'll have the bloody police round!
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MARIAL CHANTS
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Marial's just singing to the baby.
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Chanting. I learnt a special chant in the rainforest.
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I learnt one at the football, but I'll not be singing it at the baby.
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Are you Sarah's sister?
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Namaste.
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Of course you can stay, flower. Can't she, Joe?
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Why not? Everyone else seems to these days.
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Can I just say, there's a great energy in this house.
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Thanks, pet. It's electric.
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Apart from the hob and the heating, that's gas.
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She made me some peppermint tea. It's supposed to help with stress.
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Ooh! Did you hear that, Joe? Peppermint tea?
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I'll get you some.
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You're all right, I'll just squeeze some toothpaste into me Tetley's.
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That might not be a bad idea.
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Right, if you'll excuse me, ladies,
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I'll just pop off to me shed to meditate.
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Or, as I call it, sheditate.
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Joe needs to get his blood pressure down, Marial.
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So I'm de-stressing him out.
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Marial can help you with that, couldn't you, sis?
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If I squeeze just here, it's making you more relaxed, yeah?
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No. But I feel like I want to relax
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and that's half the battle, isn't it?
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It sometimes takes a second.
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Oh, you bugger!
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Ooh.
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Eeeh.
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I haven't felt like this since I met Rick Astley!
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If Joe's going to de-stress, it's important you do, too.
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You're in a symbiotic relationship.
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No, he's never hit us.
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She means you feed off each other.
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Not since the honeymoon.
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Right, we need to get people reading the paper.
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As my old editor used to say over and over again,
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"People won't read just any old rubbish".
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I reckon folk buy the Advertiser for the pictures, not the articles.
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Bonniest bairns, ugliest bride.
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We do an ugliest bride section?
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Nah, but that's what folk look for.
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Right. Leave that, focus on content.
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Last year, the biggest news story was "Jedward Don't Open New Supermarket".
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That's not the worst of it, man.
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Turns out, there wasn't even a new supermarket.
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Pork pie?
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Pork bloody pie?!
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Have you got a death wish, Joe?
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I'm not eating them! I'm just saying goodbye to them!
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What about Sarah and Marial?
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To a Jew, a pork pie is pure evil in a crust!
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- You're starting to stress me out now.
- Right, here, give us your hand.
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Give us your hand.
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- Ow! What are you doing?
- Hold still.
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It's to relax you. Sometimes it takes a second.
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- Anything?
- Aye. That one feels quite good, in comparison.
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No.
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Now they feel the same. Thanks(!)
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He says he's going away again. I don't know what to do,
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Last time he went away, he shagged a cocktail waitress from Byker
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and I know he'll do it again and I can't let him, Sarah.
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I can't. I can't. I can't.
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Who's this? Gervaise? The man with the golden gums?
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I'm sorry to bother you, pet.
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I know we don't always see eye to eye, cos you're all posh
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and you think you're better than the rest of us...
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- I really don't.
- ..but I've got no-one else to talk to.
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I'd normally tell Denise, but she's having her shoulders waxed,
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so it was you or nothing.
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It's always good to know I'm better than nothing.
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Listen, if your relationship is worth it,
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you'll weather the ups and downs.
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Look at me and Jack. When we were in Manchester, we were on the up.
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Everything was fine, but now we're in...
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Hebburn. So we're a down, are we, Sarah?
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No, no. Hebburn's fine.
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It's just, well, we're here at your mum and dad's.
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So me mum and dad's is the worst place in Hebburn, is it, Sarah?
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No, of course not. It's just we don't have our own place, do we,
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like a married couple should?
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But we'll be fine...
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because, we've got each other.
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I hear what you're saying.
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You do?
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Yeah.
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I'm going to ask Gervaise to move in here with us.
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I don't...
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What if the advertiser became a campaigning newspaper?
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People love that.
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Remember when the Daily Mail tried to ban mixer taps?
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This campaign, would it be for something or against something?
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- For, definitely for something.
- What? I mean, what does Hebburn need?
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A good kick up the arse.
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They won't like it if we print that again.
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OK. Well, what about a statue
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to commemorate one of our most significant citizens?
209
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That Antony Gormley could do it.
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A statue of you, you mean?
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No. It's the Hebburn Advertiser, not the Jack Express.
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You reckon? I mean, you know, you're starting a new job,
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you're getting remarried, now you're launching a campaign.
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You've got to be worth a statue.
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No! When will people realise that I am not important?
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SOOTHING MUSIC
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It's all about finding the centre.
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The centre's very important, aye.
219
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It can really open your eyes, this kind of therapy, Joe.
220
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You ought to try giving a bit to this referee.
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DOORBELL
222
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< Joe? Get that, will you?
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I can't, it'll knacker my chakras.
224
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I could go if you'll be OK here?
225
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I think I'll manage, pet.
226
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If I don't move, my ying should stay next to my yang, shouldn't it?
227
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In theory, yeah.
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I'll probably stay put, then.
229
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You know, just be on the safe side.
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Who are you, like?
231
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,800
- Hi, I'm Marial, Sarah's sister.
- Right.
232
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,840
So are you Jewish as well, then?
233
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,560
Actually, I don't follow a specific doctrine.
234
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:19,520
You're not wearing a bra. Is that a Jewish thing?
235
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,320
- No.
- Right.
236
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,200
So, you one of them lesbians, like?
237
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,200
I don't think the two go hand in hand.
238
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,200
I couldn't not wear a bra, me.
239
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,160
I've got too much respect for Thelma and Louise, here.
240
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,880
I think it's important as women, we aren't defined by our physicality.
241
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:38,240
Listen, love, I get defined by my sucky-in pants, that's all I need.
242
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,440
What?
243
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,280
Vicki in?
244
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:43,760
She's upstairs.
245
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,200
Vicki!
246
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,640
Vicki! Vicki!
247
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,520
And the pool of calm is drained once more.
248
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,680
FOOTBALL CROWD CHANTING ON TV
249
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,960
Eee! It's Gervaise!
250
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,000
I'm in a proper state.
251
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,920
I don't think I'll ever be happy, ever again!
252
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:10,520
Have you forgotten about tonight? Hen night.
253
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,160
Eee!
254
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,360
And you're going to need a bra for tonight.
255
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,960
Push it all up, like, sort out your top shelf goods.
256
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,640
Is that so important?
257
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,600
It is, unless you want to pay for your own drinks all night.
258
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,000
We'll give you a proper makeover.
259
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,920
You cannot hang with our crew looking like a homeless hobbit.
260
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,080
BOTH: Hen night, hen night,
261
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:33,760
hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night!
262
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,520
Who's hen night are you going on?
263
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,120
Yours, man, you daft cow!
264
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,360
Eee!
265
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:42,760
Oh...
266
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:53,040
So, Jack, how was your first day as a media mogul?
267
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,120
I'm afraid I did very little moguling.
268
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,720
- To be honest, I don't think I moguled at all.
- Oh.
269
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,440
Anyway, why are you all dolled up like a female Davina McCall?
270
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,400
We're going out on Sarah's hen night.
271
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,360
- Sarah's?
- Mm-hm. - Right.
272
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,440
Does Sarah know about Sarah's hen night?
273
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,320
Aye, Vicki and Denise have let her know.
274
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,840
BOTH: Hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night!
275
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:16,280
- Woo-hoo!
- Woo-hoo!
276
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,520
Bloody hen night!
277
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:19,680
SHE LAUGHS
278
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,480
HE LAUGHS
279
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,640
Right. We're off out.
280
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,640
- Have fun tonight, my angel.
- You behave while I'm gone.
281
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,800
No booze, no cheese, no pies, pasties or pastries.
282
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,960
No fun, whatsoever. Understood, Group Captain.
283
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,400
It's for your own good.
284
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,080
I'm not having youse snack your way into an early grave.
285
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,320
All right, all right.
286
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,800
Please, Joe. It's important.
287
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,360
- I want you to try and outlive me.
- Why, where's the fun in that?
288
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:48,720
Do it for me?
289
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,720
All right, if it makes you happy, I'll outlive you.
290
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,400
Thanks, pet.
291
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,640
If you think this is bad, you should see the Sarah Is A Tart t-shirt
292
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,440
- they wanted me to wear.
- Well, you'll model that one for me later.
293
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,880
I see you and Mariel's been Hebburnised.
294
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,920
She's got the skin tone of a wotsit.
295
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,560
She's loving every second of it, she's experiencing a new culture.
296
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,680
You'd think this was Thailand, not Tyneside.
297
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,440
We'd best be off and pick up Dot.
298
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:16,240
- You're not taking Gran on the hen night, are you?
- Of course we are.
299
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,840
We are hitting the town
300
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:22,480
and we are painting anywhere with suitable disabled access red!
301
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:23,840
Ha, ha! Howay, Sarah.
302
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:27,760
Pray for me?
303
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,960
Oh, don't forget, your dad's to drink nothing but peppermint tea
304
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:35,080
and if he stops relaxing for a second, pounce on him.
305
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,600
Howay!
306
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,560
Good luck.
307
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,040
FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV
308
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,320
Leave us a bit.
309
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,200
No, you know the new rule.
310
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,880
Look at the pie, do not touch the pie.
311
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,320
I'd be happy with just an inch of crust or a couple of crumbs.
312
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,400
No, Mum'll go barmy.
313
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,840
Anyway, I want you to live.
314
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:09,400
I might have a worthless day job,
315
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,480
but at least I can contribute to my family life.
316
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:12,720
I'll make you my new project.
317
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,000
I don't want to be, I'm already your mum's project.
318
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,480
- I'm not a project, I'm a free man.
- Whoa! Take a chill pill.
319
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,560
We'll just have a nice relaxing night in,
320
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,800
me, you and the forbidden pie.
321
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,600
This is going to be double mental.
322
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,800
- Are you best man, like?
- Don't know.
323
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:32,000
- Don't think he's decided. I'm using that subliminal advertising.
- Canny.
324
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,760
- Got your T-shirt made, as well.
- Oh, aye?
325
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,320
"Big fat Keith?"
326
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,160
No, look, man, "Usher."
327
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,440
Quality.
328
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,280
- DOORBELL RINGS
- You'd best get that, son.
329
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,840
I don't want to start moving around, in case me aura slides off.
330
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,920
- Eh?
- Remember what your mam said,
331
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,800
she wouldn't want me to have all the stress
332
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,000
of walking to the front door
333
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,560
and opening it and having to see who it is.
334
00:16:56,560 --> 00:17:00,360
- Remember the project.
- Oh, right, fine.
335
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,080
Thought you needed a lifestyle change,
336
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,000
it turns out you just need a butler.
337
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:16,720
Leave the beer! >
338
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:23,800
- Stag night! Stag night! Stag night!
- No thanks! No thanks! No thanks!
339
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:27,000
- We going out, like?
- Whoah! Joseph, your show is cancelled, young man.
340
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,520
Don't worry, son. I've got everything I need right here.
341
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:30,600
Howay then.
342
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:34,000
ALL: Stag night! Stag night! Stag night! Stag night!
343
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,640
SHE LAUGHS
344
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,000
This is going to be double mental!
345
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,280
Why-aye!
346
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,000
Buy your own!
347
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,360
I was quite surprised you wanted to come, Dot.
348
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,480
I would've thought it would be too noisy for you.
349
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,480
Oh, I want to see the stripper.
350
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:55,720
I hope he's smooth. I like them when they're smooth.
351
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,000
Dot, this is a ladies' night out.
352
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,800
I mean, me machinery might've shut down,
353
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,400
but I still like to meet the service engineer.
354
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:08,120
- Right, gentlemen, are you ready for your first party game?
- What?
355
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,200
Who is up for a round of...
356
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,600
Breathalysers?
357
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,920
We'll all have a quick blow, right?
358
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,800
And we'll see who'd be the shittest driver at this stage.
359
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,920
- Where did you get these?
- Police auction.
360
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,200
Got tear gas, as well, but the little un's already had it.
361
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,840
Not playing, Dad?
362
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:26,320
No point. I doubt peppermint tea will trouble the Richter scale.
363
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,840
So, will there be a Jewish element at the wedding service?
364
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,120
I know a fair few Barry Manilow songs.
365
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,760
Do you not know any Bette Midler?
366
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,560
Not in my repertoire, I'm afraid.
367
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,800
We'll probably have a bit of Bette, then.
368
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,360
Where's the stripper?
369
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,720
Oh, no, not a stripper man. Ramsey...
370
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,240
Howay, man. Only the best, Clarty Carol.
371
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,920
She is proper clarty, like.
372
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,360
How old is she now?
373
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:51,160
She was at my stag night and she was well past her prime then.
374
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,920
So, this is how I'm spending my stag night, is it?
375
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,720
Not a mad weekend in Prague,
376
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,080
sitting here with the Breathalyser Brothers,
377
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,800
waiting for a stripper who may well arrive on a mobility scooter.
378
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,920
Howay, lads. Let's get blowing!
379
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,440
THEY PUFF
380
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,520
Hope Sarah's hen night's going better than this.
381
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:09,680
You can't kick us out!
382
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,880
We've got half a round of drinks here!
383
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,160
You're drinking your own drink. The old woman flashed the bar staff.
384
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,360
She wasn't flashing! She came undone at an awkward angle.
385
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,880
I only noticed when I felt the draught, Sarah.
386
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,920
I don't just give it away.
387
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:27,160
The glass collector caught an eyeful and he's still crying. Out!
388
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:31,600
Well, I suppose we could just go home.
389
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,640
You know, we've had few drinks, we've had a walk about.
390
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,520
I know I'm satisfied.
391
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,160
Sarah, man, it's your hen night!
392
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:43,520
We can't go home yet - we're all still conscious!
393
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,280
And I oiled my wheels specially.
394
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,840
I'm paying for this, so we're having a proper hen night.
395
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,280
We can go anywhere we want.
396
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,400
We could have the best night of our lives.
397
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,040
Swayzes?
398
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,920
(ALL) Swayzes!
399
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:08,040
So bud, when that ring goes on, the bull is tethered.
400
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:12,720
So I suggest you spend tonight roaming around the china shop.
401
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:13,760
What's he on about now?
402
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:17,200
Come on. You'll live out the rest of your life with one woman.
403
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,760
Before you say, "I do",
404
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,480
you're free to "don't" as much as you want.
405
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:22,520
Is that right, is it?
406
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,560
It's not offside if nobody's watching.
407
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,200
Aren't you the bloke who's going out with my sister?
408
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,680
Who also happens to be my daughter.
409
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:35,680
Yeah, yeah, but I wasn't talking about me.
410
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,040
I was talking about you, on your stag night.
411
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:42,520
If you wanted, which you don't, which is great.
412
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,920
But that's how you'll spend YOUR stag night, is it?
413
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,360
Me?
414
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,800
Nah.
415
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,320
I'll probably spend the night in,
416
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:52,960
with Vicki, I imagine...
417
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,440
..politely planning our future together...
418
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,280
with our clothes on.
419
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,000
She got the whole package with you, didn't she?
420
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,400
- CHANTING: Sarah's getting married - again!
- It's the lasses.
421
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:09,440
Sarah's getting married -again! Sarah's getting married - again!
422
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,920
? Na-na-na. ? Again! ? Na-na, na-na! ?
423
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,640
Again! # Sarah's getting married - again!
424
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,600
- # Na-na-na. #
- Hiya, girls.
425
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,920
I hope you're going to behave yourselves.
426
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,840
Siobhan, what are you like? Don't be daft!
427
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:27,040
I'm not looking at you, Pauline. I'm looking at you, Denise.
428
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,400
Remember the last hen do?
429
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,440
The ladies toilets blocked with deely boppers?
430
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,920
Pink limousine overturned in the car park?
431
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,520
You put vodka jellies on three for a pound, Siobhan.
432
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:37,720
How can that be my fault?
433
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,280
She'll be fine. Now, what are we having, girls?
434
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:42,120
I'll have a double Vodka and Red Bull.
435
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,720
And I've just popped me heart pills,
436
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,200
so you'll have to excuse me if I kiss the sky!
437
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,920
ALL LAUGH
438
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,600
Cheeky Vimtos for the rest of us.
439
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,040
Oh, except for Sarah. She'll just have a coke.
440
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,160
So, you're pregnant, then?
441
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,800
What? No.
442
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,640
Yeah. I can tell.
443
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,680
- You're doing that glowing thing.
- It's fake tan.
444
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,120
It doesn't look that good.
445
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:21,280
OK... Yes. But please don't say anything. We're keeping it quiet.
446
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:27,240
Well, it's easy enough to hide. I know. See? Pregative.
447
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,320
I'm going to have it laminated.
448
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,800
Give it to the kid when it's 21.
449
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,240
If you're pregnant, why are you drinking whisky?
450
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,280
Smell it.
451
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,120
Peppermint tea.
452
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:39,400
Looks like whisky, though, doesn't it?
453
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:43,200
But why pretend to drink? Why not just not drink?
454
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,760
Because, Sarah, pet, I'm a girl with a reputation.
455
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,560
So we were just thrown out of a bar,
456
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,480
because you were caught drinking peppermint tea?
457
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:55,600
If folk got word that I hadn't got us chucked out of that bar,
458
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,400
I'd run the risk of becoming a nobody.
459
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,040
And that's not ganna happen.
460
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:03,960
- I am somebody. And I am lush.
- Obviously.
461
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:08,000
Anyway, I'm not sure if I want folk knowing about this baby yet.
462
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:11,400
Well, why don't we agree to keep each other's secret?
463
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:18,240
You know, like... two...big...lass mates?
464
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,280
Deal.
465
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:27,960
Eee!
466
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:32,160
Denise! Pet! That's amazing!
467
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,840
Now we'll see who's going to Great bloody Yarmouth!
468
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,800
- What does the dad think?
- Ganna break the news to him tonight.
469
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:51,440
And depending on how he takes it, I might have to break him, too!
470
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:55,240
Condoms? Cheap, but cheerful. I use these meself.
471
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,960
And I've got aftershave. All the spices, at knockdown prices.
472
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,520
Will it bring us out in a rash?
473
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:04,000
Aftershave, no. Condoms, probably. But they're only a fiver.
474
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:05,280
I'll take two lots.
475
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,440
I'll get the next round in, then, shall I?
476
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,040
CHEERING.
477
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,080
Good lad!
478
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:17,440
Look at Joe, he's really taken to this relaxing, hasn't he?
479
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,360
Cheers, pet.
480
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:24,600
So, you see, you can't go to Great Yarmouth now.
481
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:28,280
Cos what happens if I get morning sickness?
482
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:32,040
Or Irritating Baby Syndrome?
483
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:37,720
Here, Gervaise, isn't it time you were weaving your musical magic?
484
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:38,760
Hmm?
485
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,800
Right, let's... let's get this party started, then.
486
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,480
MUSIC: "SPICE UP YOUR LIFE" by The Spice Girls
487
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,320
HE SINGS WEAKLY
488
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,400
? When you're feeling sad and low
489
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,960
? We will take you where you got to go
490
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,480
? Smiling, dancing, Everything's free
491
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:13,000
? All you need is positivity
492
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,120
? Colours of the world
493
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:15,200
? Spice up your life!
494
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,160
- # Every boy and every girl
- Spice up your life!
495
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,320
- # People of the world
- Spice up your life!
496
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:21,360
? A-h-h-h-h-h
497
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,200
? Shimmy to the left if you're having a good time
498
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,800
? Shimmy to the right if you know that you feel fine
499
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:29,160
? Check it to the front Go round
500
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,040
? Slam me to the left if you're having a good time... ?
501
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,040
I was wondering if you wanted to dance, like?
502
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:39,160
If you don't want to, I understand But if you want, you can, like.
503
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,200
SHE SNIFFS
504
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,360
SHE SIGHS
505
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:46,320
Primal man.
506
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:49,360
No, it's Adidas Dynamic Pulse.
507
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:54,960
? Yellow man in Timbuktu... ?
508
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:56,040
Brilliant.
509
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:57,520
Oh, mint.
510
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,840
? Fighting dancing queen
511
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,240
? Tribal spaceman... ?
512
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,200
So, you've got your little girlfriend pregnant, then?
513
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:15,520
Wife. She's me wife. My wife is pregnant with MY baby.
514
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,680
I'm starting to think you're not taking our relationship seriously.
515
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,320
What relationship? We haven't been together for five years.
516
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,360
And you said you just needed a bit of time apart.
517
00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:26,840
"A bit of a break", you said.
518
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:30,600
Maybe see some other people before you settle down, sow your wild oats.
519
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:34,040
What!? I'm married. To Sarah.
520
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,600
And we are so happily married we're having a baby together.
521
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,440
Oats sown. Down settled.
522
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:44,960
If you're not careful, Jack, you're going to lose me.
523
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:49,920
I'll bear that in mind - at my second wedding to the same wife!
524
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,920
Everything all right?
525
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,680
Yeah, Denise was going to go and be mental at someone else.
526
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,360
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
527
00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:01,040
Thank you very much. Just going to take a quick break now.
528
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,960
Hey! Cheers. It's nice to see you two making up.
529
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:13,400
- I had nothing to make up for. Did we?
- No. - See? Are you all right?
530
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:17,200
Don't you worry about me, son. I'm quite happy with me pleppermint tea.
531
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:22,360
- Pleppermint?
- Sorry. It's a lot mintier than I'm used to.
532
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:26,440
First, you find the bloke what sold you these condoms and get your money back.
533
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:30,160
Everything he sells is either broken or faulty.
534
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,040
Then see if he does prams.
535
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:35,400
I didn't want to come out tonight,
536
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:39,640
but I got to say, I'm quite enjoying meself now, eh, Ramsey?
537
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:43,560
- Or should I say, "Daddy"?
- Aye. Aye. Belter.
538
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:47,440
- Joe! What are you thinking?
- It's only peppermint tea.
539
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,600
- SHE SNIFFS
- Oh, so it is.
540
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:54,040
Sorry. Is that so you can keep your veneer of cool?
541
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,080
I'll say it is!
542
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:56,360
SHE GIGGLES
543
00:27:56,360 --> 00:28:00,000
Well. Stags, hens, it's been...
544
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:02,720
Hasn't it?
545
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,760
- Me and Sarah are going to head off home.
- Haway, you can't go yet!
546
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:09,160
- What about the stripper?
- Stripper? - He's joking. There's no stripper.
547
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:13,040
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Clarty Carol!
548
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,520
STRIPTEASE MUSIC
549
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:24,160
- I love Clarty Carol!
- You know the stripper?
550
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:28,920
Yes. She's got the room next to me at the retirement home.
551
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:37,040
MUSIC COMES TO A CLIMAX
552
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:39,280
? Ah-h-h-h-h
553
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:41,600
? Slam me to the left If you're havin' a good time
554
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,040
? Chicas to the right If you know that you feel fine
555
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:46,680
? Shake it to the front Huh-huh and go round
556
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:48,680
? Slam me to the left If you're havin' a good time
557
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:50,840
? Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine
558
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:54,720
? Chicas to the front Huh-huh, hi-ci-ya - hold tight
559
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:56,600
? Slam me to the left If you're havin' a good time
560
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:58,600
? Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine
561
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:02,160
? Chicas to the front Huh-huh, go round... ?
562
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,840
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
563
00:29:04,890 --> 00:29:09,440
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
44180
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