All language subtitles for Hebburn s01e03 Dressing Up Fancy.eng

I hope everyone gets on.

Of course they will.

I hope we're doing the right thing.
Inviting them up here.

I mean, Hebburn might be outside my
mum and dad's comfort zone.

Hey, Hebburn is outside
everybody's comfort zone.

It's important they meet your folks.

It'll be fine.
Besides, your mum and dad are great.

They're not that great.

No, they're not, are they?

And you know how sniffy Mum can be.

Relax. What's there to be
sniffy about round here?

Well? What do yous think?

What is it?

It's me costume, for the fancy dress
party tonight at Swayze's.

I know,
but... what are you meant to be?

Harry Potter.

In a bikini?

I'm Sexy Harry Potter, aren't I?

Denise! They didn't get it!

Sarah, are you entering
the Fancy Dress tonight?

No, I told you,
my mum and dad are coming up.

Well, if you change your mind,

I've got a Sexy Susan Boyle costume
left over from last year.

You'll have to comb through
the fake eyebrows

but other than that it's cushty.

All right, Jack?

What are you going as, Denise?

An Egyptian lifeguard?

Sexy Mother Theresa, actually.

Oh, well, now you've said it,
it's obvious.

So, have you got anything to
confess?

Aye, since the last time you
saw this outfit,

I've sewn up the knickers.

Oh! And you are done.

Jesus.

She's so in your face,

she's virtually poking out
the back of your head.

Am I always going to be reminded
that you went out

with your sister's best friend?

Don't let Denise get to you.

All right, I went out with her,
but I married you.

Yeah, I suppose.

Look, I'm sorry about all this.

It's not exactly what
I had in mind for us.

By now, I thought we'd have a
place in the country, cinema room,

butler wandering about.

Not be back here with me mam and
dad, paper thin walls

and the ghost of slappermas past.

'I'm not a ghost,
I'm Mother Theresa.'

Look, we should be grateful.

Your mum's going to
a lot of trouble for my parents.

She knows more about being
Jewish than I do.

And I've spent my whole
life being it.

Oh, not again.

Why do we have to wear these?

What? The gloves.

Why do we have to wear the
gloves?

Because if that girl's
going to be living under our roof,

I want her parents to know
we are abiding by their culture.

They're Jewish, Pauline.
Not health inspectors.

And they have rules, Joe!
About food preparation!

There's nothing the internet knows
that I don't about Judaism.

And the last thing these people want
is our gentile paws all

over their dinner.

We don't want to kvetch them,
not today. You what?

Kvetch, Joe! Kvetch!
Like you're making me right now!

Look at me, this is me,
proper kvetched.

I don't like it round here.
It looks very rough.

Excuse me?
What are you doing?!

Asking for directions.

Y'after?

We were wondering if you...
Trick or treat. Sorry?

Look, right. Trick...

or treat?

Have you not heard of trick or
treat? Well, yes...

But it's daytime. And it's April.

It's a big town. I start early.

I canna do it all in one night.

I'm not Santa.

I'm sorry, we don't carry
treats around on the off-chance.

We're actually
looking for the Pearson house.

Oh, what, you think this is such
a diddy little place

that we all know each other,
do yous?

The Pearson house?

Joe and Pauline?

You must be Sarah's mam and dad.

That's us.

I still want me treat.

No, Hutchy man, they're guests!
Look, here.

Here's twenty pence.

Go down Booze Busters and get
yourself something. Twenty pence?

Nah, it's still going through
their window for twenty pence.

I've got some change down here.

No, Sarah's mam.
He's got to learn boundaries.

And as a parent,
I've got to teach him.

Here's two pounds.

The mature decision.

Tell your mam I canna look after
you this weekend!

And try to go to school!

Maybe Wednesday?

Dipstick!

So um, the Pearson house?

No bother. I'll show yous where
it is.

I'm going there meself.

Just got a couple of things
to do on the way.

Oh, put that on.

? Hey, say what? What?

? I'm going to do it

? What's that?

? Hands up, hands up

? Shake, shake, shake

? Shake, shake, shake

? Shake, shake, shake... ?

Don't be nervous, you look gorgeous.

You look pretty good yourself.

I wish we could spend the
evening up here, just the two of us.

I hope nothing
saucy's going on in there?

We'd get more privacy
if we were in the Big Brother house.

Who are you supposed to be now?
Desert Orchid?

No, I'm Donkey.

Sexy Donkey.

Denise is Sexy Shrek.

Shreksy.

To be honest, I don't
know why I'm bothering.

You win every year anyway. Well,
she is sleeping with the judge.

I'm not sleeping with Gervaise
cos he's judging the fancy dress!

I'm sleeping with him
cos he's a singer.

I'm glad we're not going.

I don't think we could compete with
Sea Biscuit and the Incredible Hulk.

MAM! Tell him!

Here you go, this is the place.

Not pebble dashed,
that's unexpected.

Thanks for your help.

I'm Ben, by the way,
and this is my wife, Susan.

Nice one.

And you are?
I'm Denise's boyfriend.

Yes, but do you have a name?

I've got loads,
but it depends on her mood.

Howay then! Let's give them a knock.

Joe! Get them
sandwiches covered!

Vicki, get back upstairs
and get some clothes on!

Sarah, you let them in.

And Jack, just try not
to look so gormless.

Me? I'm full of gorm.
I'm the king of gorm.

I'm "gormet".

Is any one listening? No?

Did you find the place OK?

Yes, eventually.

Meee shalom to yous!

Not today, flower.

All right, no bother
but can you tell Denise

that I'll see her down
the pub later? No.

Eh, I did get that right,
didn't I? Me shalom?

Oh, yes, perfect - a textbook shalom.

Joe! Get the kettle on!
Ben and Susan are here.

I've already shalomed them.

Sorry about the classic
Hebburn weather, like.

Give us your coats.
I'm fine, thanks.

Joe's already making you a cuppa.
Could I have a coffee?

Joe!

Susan's changed her mind,
she'd prefer coffee!

I don't think we've got any!

Yes, we do, Joe!

I got some in yesterday!

It's in the... pantry!

Pantry? Yes.

Next to the refrigerator!

Ah, by the library in the east wing?

Please feel free to ignore Joe,
I find it's best.

Howay, we'll take
you into the good room.

Thank you.

Not everyone gets to
come in here, you know?

Yes, I can see why.

So, here we are then.

It's not much, but we all
fit in, don't we, Sarah?

Yeah, pretty much.

You've been very brave
with your colours, Pauline.

Oh, thank you, Susan.

We would have had Sarah
and Jack to stay with us.

But after the kids left, we decided
we didn't need the BIG house

any more, so we downsized
to the bungalow.

We're fine here, Mum.

Pauline's made us feel very welcome.

Oh, you've no worries
leaving your Sarah here with us.

This is a very traditional,
family environment.

Mam, have you got any more ribbon?

Erm... in the kitchen drawer,
I think, pet. All right.

You all right? Hello.

Are they your daughters?

Just the one without the beard.

Do you want a hand with
the drinks, Dad? No ta, son.

It's all become much easier
now we've got a pantry.

What are you after?

I need a bigger bow for me hair,
I'm Sexy Snow White.

I'm going to be a sexy, tall dwarf.
Presumably not Bashful?

Is there one called Skanky?

Hey, do you remember when me
and you won the fancy dress, Jack?

As Justin Timberlake
and Britney Spears?

Aye, dead authentic that
because when they split up,

she went off her nut and all.
I never shaved me head!

Have you done fancy dress, Dad?

Well, I wanted to be
Robbie Williams for the night.

But your mam wouldn't entertain it.

That was very good.

So they said it should be
fairly straight forward

to transfer my PHD
to Newcastle University.

I didn't know Newcastle
had a university.

Is that a new thing?
No, I think they've always had it.

Ben, Susan, this is me dad - Joe.

Lovely to meet you,
I'm Susan, this is Ben.

Sit, down, sit down.

In this house you only need to
stand up if you arse is on fire.

Oh, lovely.

Aperitifs for the thirsty.

I've done sandwiches for later.

Kosher and halal just
so there's no favouritism.

That's your coffee there, flower.

Hope it's all right.

Yeah, the water up here's
a little bit different to York - it's a bit more tangy.

How was your drive up, Ben?

Oh, no, no traffic talk, Joe.

Actually, Susan does all the driving.

Oh, right.

Susan was just telling me
about their downsized bungalow.

What's a downsized bungalow
look like? Is it just a roof?

No, we downsized to the bungalow

from a bigger house
that we used to have.

Err...

Joe was joking, Dad, he does that.

Ben used to do that,
didn't you, when we first met?

I don't bother with that much now.

It's really great that we could
all get together like this.

It's so nice.

And to think, we were worried
you might be a bit awkward.

Imagine that.
But we're just...

Getting on like
a bungalow on fire, eh, Ben?

Right, seeing as this
is all going so well,

I'd best go and spring me
mam from the retirement village.

We call it "Grantanamo Bay"
but she doesn't laugh.

I'll come give you a hand,
find out which dead celebrity

has been visiting
her in her sleep this week.

Sarah? Thank you.

Right, we'll just sit here
and get better acquainted.

We are the music makers,
we are the dreamers of dreams, like.

Aye. Gervaise, Big Keith.

Pint please, Prince Charming, the
lasses will be along in a minute.

Felicitations of the evening,
young rapscallion.

Tell me your wildest wishes that I
might fashion them in candy for you.

Is he trying to chat me up?

No, I'm Willy Wonka, man!
Ah, right.

I thought you were that smug
bloke off the Monopoly box.

What's he supposed to be then?
Jodie Marsh's mam?

This is me trusty Oompa-Loompa.

Right, so Wonka, eh?

If you ask me, you look more
like a wan... That's what I said.

So, what have you come
as? You on a bad day?

No, I'm going to get changed
in a bit.

So, how's it going with Denise then?

Well, we're still
in the wooing phase.

The thing about Denise
is she's sophisticated.

So, what's your game plan, big guy?

Well, I'm going to just make her
eyes sing and her heart dance.

She's got to feel giddy,
light-headed, carefree.

How? I'm just going
to get her lashed.

Mint.

Target acquired,
let's get ready to rumble.

All right?

Let me guess - Sexy Nigella?

Good lad.

Well?

Sexy Noel Edmonds?

No deal.

Mmm-hmm.

And this is Sarah receiving her
degree from Bishop Desmond Tutu.

He was very impressed
when I told him about the shoe shop.

How many photos did you say
you could fit on your iPad?

Thousands. Oh, wonderful.

So many.

Well, that's enough photos now, Mum.

She'll be getting out
the dental records next.

And of course our other
daughter works overseas.

She helps impoverished people
get into education.

Our Vicki used to work
overseas - Magaluf.

Helping people get in the clubs.

She just works in
the local florist now.

There's no just about it.
At least she's got a job.

Not like Jack.

He's impulsive.

"Follow your heart."

That's what we've always told
our kids, chase your dreams.

Well, there's impulsive
and just plain foolish, isn't there?

Quitting his job before he'd
even signed off on his book deal?

They've got no money,
they've had to sell the car.

It was just the same
when we were in Vegas.

Mum!

You promised!

You were there? At the wedding?

We decided to use the money
from the downsizing

to join the kids in Vegas.

I'm so sorry, Pauline.

We honestly didn't go out
there planning to get married.

No, not at all.

We were all
a few sheets to the wind.

Do you remember, Susan?
When you laughed?

I'm so sorry, Pauline,
I didn't mean to put my foot in it.

It doesn't matter.

It's nothing...

I mean, it's not as if
it's a big thing...

What are they like, then?

The Jewish shoe people?

They're people, Gran,
just like everybody else.

I know that, I'm not a bloody bigot.

I knew a Jew once.

Do you think they'll know him?

Let's not ask and
just assume they don't, eh?

Yeah, so have you got everything?

Hang on, I'll just
kiss Tigger before we go.

She kisses that thing
more than she's ever kissed me.

Considering how loose her
false teeth are, you want to count your blessings, mate.

Cheeky buggers.
Come on then, Joseph.

You've left Sarah's parents
alone with your wife

and you know how
she rubs people up the wrong way.

No, that's you that does that.
And leave the light on.

Tigger doesn't like being
in the dark on his own.

He might not like the dark,
but I bet he loves being on his own.

Vicki Pearson, ladies and gentlemen.

Fix!

You was robbed there mate, robbed!

She looks nowt like her!

I'd just like to say,
that winning this award

for the third year running,
is, as usual, a total surprise. Get off the stage.

Get off! Fix!

Taxi booked for you, howay!

I reckon you should have won that.
You look amazing.

Yeah? Well, you look like
a thick geography teacher.

What are you supposed to be?

I'm Doctor Who. I thought you
would have loved it, Denise.

Last year you told Vicki you always
dreamed of ending up with a doctor. When did I say that?

When you were over
by the Gambler... last summer.

And your hair looked lush,
like damp, brown straw.

Eee!

Eh!

It's a shame there's not
a second prize, Denise...

you could've won that.

Aye, second prize -
story of my life.

Don't be like that, Denise man,
you should be happy for us.

Like when Cheryl won FHM's
Sexiest Woman Of The Year

and the rest of Girls Aloud
were dead chuffed for her.

Cos they knew it didn't mean
that they were munters.

Just that in comparison,

they were slightly munter-ish.

Aye. I'm over the moon.

Aw, don't be down hearted, Denise.

Given the choice,
I'd go munter every time.

I suppose we'd best get back.

Mind, that Ben's a bit
of a laugh, isn't he?

What does he do for an encore?
His tax return?

It can't easy for him though.

Susan is a bit uptight
and controlling.

Son, your mam is
uptight and controlling

but compared to Susan,
she's like Winnie the Pooh.

Hey, I hope that thing

about women turning
into their mothers isn't true.

Oh, no, that's nonsense, pet.

Look at my mam - she was a
nosey, interfering, old cow.

We're lucky that skipped
a generation then!

Listen, pet,
about your new wedding...

You ARE going to do it
properly, aren't you?

None of this new-fangled,
metro-sexy, business

where the groom looks like the bride

and the bride looks
like Lady-bloody-Gaga.

God, no, it's just going
to be a little service.

Sarah's not Bridezilla
and I'm not Groom Kong.

Buttercup Yellow. What?

It's not a colour you see
enough of on a bridesmaid

but I think your bridesmaids would
be a vision in Buttercup Yellow.

Gran, I don't know if we're
going to have bridesmaids.

It's just going to be a small do.

No, no, you want a traditional do.

So that by the end, every single
person is crying their eyes out.

I feel like crying now.

Mam, it'll not be
a wedding as such, it's a blessing.

Next you'll be telling me that
Jack won't be wearing a top hat.

The thing is, Gran,
I'm not really about top hats.

I think they tend to make
people look like dicks.

A well-deserved win.

A lovely little Nigella.
Stop it.

But you enjoyed my dwarf work too?

Oh, amazing pet.
You towered over the other dwarves.

Me Shreksy was better
but Vicki said I don't suit green.

I told you, Denise, it made you look
all bloated like a toad, pet,

dwarf is much more dignified.

Boo!

Oh, brilliant, the Jarrow lads.

Come on, A Little Less Conversation,
shift it, I need a drink.

Just come to join your party, like.

Hey, Dazza, let's not bother
going on that pub crawl.

Let's just stay here all night.

You're not welcome.

And what are you going to
doop-a-dee-doo about it?

Nowt.

Nowt.

You want to have another wedding!?

It's only fair, Mum.

You were at our first one

and Pauline just wants
to watch her son get marr...

Ah, the klutz, Susan, the brave,
romantic klutz that he is.

But love makes klutzes
of us all, doesn't it, Ben?

I mean, you must've been a bit of
a klutz when you fell for Susan?

What kind of wedding?

Something a little more traditional.

Where Jack isn't dressed as Elvis and
I'm not retching into a potted palm.

Nothing fancy -
just family, all together.

A little service and
then a party in Hebburn.

York. Sorry, Susan? York.

It's traditional to have the wedding
where the bride is from, isn't it?

Tradition goes out the window
when you're in Vegas, doesn't it?

If we're getting all traditional,

doesn't it say the bride's family
have to pay for the wedding?

We don't have any liquid
assets at the moment. Ah.

I was saying this at the weekly
budget meeting, wasn't I, Ben?

Yes. I used to play
golf on Wednesday but...

But it was decided
the budget meeting

- was a better use of Ben's time.
- Hello? We're back!

I better just make sure
Joe's mother's all right.

Everyone all right for coffee?

Good.

Joe, kitchen. Jack, take
your gran into the good room.

Well, good afternoon
to you too, Pauline,

I see you've got your angry face on.

So it's obviously going
as well as we all expected.

Oh, well, I'm sure you'll sort it
all out now you're here, Kofi Annan.

I'm not even going
to pretend to understand that.

Right! Wheel me at them.
Everything all right, flower?

They were in Vegas! Who was?

Sarah's mam and dad! They were
there when they got married!

Can you believe it!?

Jack did say they were drunk.
I don't think they were thinking.

Joe, you don't think, full stop.

Never mind not thinking
what they're not thinking!

Will you calm down?
They seem perfectly nice to me.

Nice to you, Joe?
You've hardly been here!

And to think, I spent half the day
making them lokshen pudding!

What's lokshen pudding, like?
I've never heard of it.

Neither had I,
until two o'clock this morning,

when Google spat it out!

I, Joe, am a mensch but that yenta

is treating me like a schmendrick!

Pauline! Stop speaking Yiddish?

I can't understand a
word you're saying! Oy vey!

? Jarrow lads, we are here,

? Shag your women,
drink your beer! ?

Go and do something, Gervaise!

What happened to it
being "your house"?

I'm a lover, not a fighter, man.

Right, I'll sort this out.

Denise man, don't.

Oi!

This is our pub and
we are trying to have a party.

We're not interested in
your war-mongering ways

or your smell of damp washing.

So I think it was about time you
were buggering off back to Jarrow.

Hash tag "just saying".

Oh, what's this, one of the
famous bearded women of Hebburn

we've heard about?
Nah, actually, I'm Sleepy.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

You can come back to my bed
for a little heigh-ho.

Someone needs to do something, now.

You touching my lass?
Wait, I was just... Hang on a sec.

You are my lass, aren't you?

Aye, I am.

She's my lass! I mean...

Right, you've had your fun,
now howay - on your way.

Or what?

Or me and you are gonna go
round and round like a...

roundabout.

Listen, if you don't sit
back down and shut up,

me and me brothers here are going
to introduce your face to your arse.

If you wouldn't mind, wor lass?

If you'll excuse us, I've got
an appointment with me arse.

Oh, I was just saying, Pauline,
that I never liked you

when we first met either.

Did I hear that there was
lokshen pudding on offer?

Joe, I think it's time your mam
went back to the home.

She's just got here, think of
that wheelchair's carbon footprint!

Howay, Mam, I think
you've probably done enough.

But I was just saying that
she grew on us... like mould.

Well, penicillin's a mould,
people love that!

I'm sorry if you
overheard me outburst

but I think we should
sort out, calmly,

where this wedding is going to be.

It has to be York -
there is no other way.

Of course.

There's only the Susan way,
we haven't even asked Ben.

Ben, are you allowed an opinion?

Well, we could compromise.

No, Ben, we couldn't, be quiet.

Right, enough!
What are you arguing about?

Your special day, Sarah.
Your special day, our Sarah.

But it's not up to
either of you anyway!

You're not paying for it.

Me and Jack are going to have
to save up and do it ourselves.

And then maybe, just maybe,
we'll think about inviting you.

But unless someone can
actually pay for it,

we're a long way off
any kind of "special day".

I'll pay for your wedding.
What?

I'll pay for your wedding,

I love a wedding, don't you?

Mam, you haven't got any money.
Who hasn't?

I've got more money than you and
Mrs Shoe-shop put together.

Gran, you don't even
have a bank account.

You only recently stopped trying
to use your ration book.

Joe, check if she's got her
pills mixed up again.

We might have to take
her to the hospital.

I'm going nowhere!

I keep me money where I know it'll
be safe - inside me Tigger.

That's not Geordie
slang for something, is it?

No, it's not, you cheeky mare.

He's me porcelain tiger,
I've had him since Joe was born.

He's got all sorts inside him.

Liquorice All Sorts?

No, stuff your grandad used
to bring home off the ships.

South Sea pearls,
silver dollars, Krugerrands.

Mind, there's no euros in there.

I won't have them in the house.
Are you serious?

No, Joe, I'm joking.

I'm an 84-year-old woman
who's carted a porcelain tiger

round for the last 50 years
because it was filled with nothing!

But... why didn't you use
it when we needed it?

Like when Dad left?

I knew that me and you
would be all right.

I was keeping it for me
grandkids for when they needed it.

And I think one of them
needs it now.

Really? You'll pay for our wedding?

I will...

but there's some conditions.

Firstly...

it's going to be in Hebburn.

Oh, what a lovely idea.

And secondly, we'll do it my way.

Well, what do you think?

I'm not really sure.

How many big, fat gypsies
are going to be at this wedding?

We look well lush, don't we?
Of course we do.

Ramsey, what do you think?

You look like an angel,
Denise, an angel.

Maybe we should re-think this.

Don't worry,
I'll have a word with Dot.

I'm sure I can get her
to tone it down.

Hey!

Mazel tov, pet!

Mazel tov!

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