Original subtitles

>> Okay.

All right!

>> * Ice cream

* Is my favorite treat

* I take long walks

* Down my street

* I like to smile...

>> I don't need this.

I don't need any of this.

I don't need it.

>> * Well I do, I do, I do

* I do, I do

* Well, I do, I do, I do

* I do, I do

* Well I do, I do

(fire whooshing)

>> (sighing)

I am off the grid.

**

(chuckling)

Books.

**

>> Oh, my God, oh!

(screaming, horns honking)

>> What, what?!

>> Check your phone!

Just check your phone!

>> I don't have a phone!

(sirens blaring, horns honking)

I don't have a phone!

>> (panting)

>> (screaming)

>> I'm on the scene where three

advanced gorilla men have

escaped yesterday in New York

City with a stolen shrink ray.

Luckily, thanks to the alert

text system, there's no record

of any human being shrunken.

>> Oh! No-no!

I was shrunk.

The gorillas, they got me, I...

(screaming)

There's a bug!

There's a bug!

**

>> Okay, Millers, this is it.

This is Pick It.

Janet, join me right down here,

if you would, please.

Here's what you gotta do.

You gotta find one flag

in 60 seconds.

You do that, you win it all,

got it?

>> Got it.

>> All right, this is gonna

be great, good luck.

On your mark, get set, go!

Fine that one flag,

you can do it.

Reach deep inside that nose.

>> Yeah, Mom!

>> Deeper, what are you doing?

Get up!

>> I can't find it.

>> Jesus Christ, why did I even

bring you here?

>> Pick the nose!

>> Keep going deeper,

Mrs. Miller, you can do it.

Come on, Janet.

>> Every day, something else!

>> Pick that nose!

>> Come on, Mrs. Miller.

Deeper, Mrs. Miller, deeper.

>> Mom?

>> Mommy?

>> J-- Janet?

>> Is Mommy a booger now?

>> Janet?

>> Welcome back.

This is "Sports News."

I'm Curtis Hartwell.

That's my boy, Spoon, and the

countdown starts right now.

>> 24 hours until the biggest

game in any sport and the most

watched television event on

the planet.

>> The NCL Super Bowl is

tomorrow, and the Houston

Rampage and Boston Mavericks

have a date with destiny.

>> The entire season comes

down to this, and only one team

will take home the coveted

Brett Favre trophy as world

champions of the

National Concussion League.

Let's see how both teams got

to the big game.

One week ago at the big house

in Texas.

Score tied at 175 concussions

a piece, but not for long.

Rampage running back Louie Fox

with a textbook sledgehammer

cinderblock bash, ow!

Big touchdown as Louie's face

touches down on the field.

>> His brain definitely hit

the inside of his skull there,

Spoon.

>> That concussion gave Houston

the win 176 concussions to 175.

Fox finished with 5,000 dead

brain cells, three violent

pukes, and one temporary loss

of vision. one temporary loss

Let's see what one fan has to

say after the game.

>> Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

Oh, my God, that was (bleep)

awesome!

I saw those players, and they

were just smashing each other's

brains in and ruining their

lives right in front of my kids.

And I was like, go, go, go, go!

I cannot wait to take them to

practice tomorrow.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo...

>> Best fans in sports

right there.

Now, to Boston where Mavericks

wide receiver, Ronnie Tuggs

got trucked at mid-field.

That collision was exactly

like being in a car accident

at 40 miles per hour.

Great coaching there.

Tuggs would remain concussed and

near death for a full three

minutes and for some

reason is questionable

for the Super Bowl.

>> I'm Chris Turman here with

Boston coach, Marc "This Land

is Your Land, This Land is"

Garland, now coach.

Are you concerned about Tuggs

after that savage brain injury?

>> Of course, I'm concerned.

This team has worked so hard

to make it to the Super Bowl

and, plus, with the suicide of

our star player, Cliff Birch,

you know, Ronnie just really

needs to shake this off and play

the game.

>> Couldn't agree more.

Go big or go home.

Now let's toss it over to

Sal Pantoliano who's with Pro

Bowler Ronnie Tuggs.

>> We're here with the great

Ronnie Tuggs.

How do you feel?

>> (muttering, mumbling)

>> You heard it here first.

Ronnie's ready to go.

Back to you guys.

>> Great news right there.

Can't wait to see Tuggs give and

receive even more concussions

tomorrow on broadcast

television.

>> Gonna watch it with my

grandma, Curtis.

>> When we come back,

more concussions and highlights

from last night's big

ice fighting championships.

That and more on "Sports News."

>> Hey, can you guys quit...

>> Monkeying around.

**

>> That was really stupid,

sorry.

>> Help!

Hey, excuse me.

Ma'am, would you mind

helping me?d you mind

No, no biggie.

>> Ah, told you I was gonna

win again, man.

You can't beat me, dog.

>> A'ight, I'm getting

Night Wolf this time.

It's over.

>> It's whatever, dog.

>> Night Wolf.

>> You're gonna get Night Wolf?

>> That's right.

How you gonna top Night Wolf?

>> I think I'm gonna go with

Dr. Martin Luther King.

>> Martin Luther King, Jr.

>> I'm about to destroy you,

dude.

Ain't no way Martin Luther King

can beat Night Wolf, man.

>> You're too confident, dog.

>> Fight.

>> Brothers and sisters must

learn to unite or we all face

imminent destruction.

>> Tranquility.

>> Huh?

Man, that move is mad weak,

dude.

>> Ooh, they've dressed you

like a stereotype and they're

controlling you, brother.

>> Awareness.

>> What does that mean?

What does that mean?

I don't even know what

that means, come on, dude,

just fight.

>> You're not listening, man.

You're not listening.

>> I don't want to fight.

>> What is going on?

>> Finish him.

>> Violence plus violence

equals violence.

You can divide violence with

love, but it is impossible to

divide love with violence.

>> Progress.

>> You beat me, man.

You also converted Night Wolf

apparently.

>> Ooh!

>> Oh, I'm sorry, brother.

I just wanted to show you what

I could do if I did not

practice non-violence.

>> Told you I was gonna beat

you, dude.

>> Let's get Mike out here for

the feisty Fox team.

We're gonna do another physical

challenge.

>> All right!

>> Yeah, join me out here--

>> Whoa!

>> Oh, my God.

>> Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah, ah, ah...

>> Oh, my God, how many (bleep)

times do I have to tell you,

if we're gonna get slime all

over the (bleep)damn place,

we gotta be able to clean this

(bleep) up!

Now I got a guy with

a (bleep)damn broken collarbone

here all because you slack-jawed

dip(bleep) don't know how to

produce a (bleep) kid's TV show

after all these (bleep) years!

Jesus Christ.

>> Ah, ah, I can still play!

>> All right, enjoy your waffle.

Hey, welcome to

Batter's Up Waffle Cafe.

You know what you want

or are you waffling?

>> Can I get a chocolate chip

waffle?

>> Can do.

>> Uh, are you okay?

>> Oh, what you mean, my hands?

Don't worry about that.

I have no sensation

in 'em whatsoever.

I have this teeny tiny

debilitating nerve disorder

called Roy Munson Syndrome.

I can't feel hot.

Can't feel cold.

Runs in the family!

(laughing)

But you know, I really do love

working this job, you know?

'Cause working here at Batter's

Up Waffle Cafe is a dream come

true.

>> Oh, my God, your hand!

>> (sobbing)

No!

>> Oh, my God, oh, my--

Tommy, what did-- oh.

Did, did you close your hand

in the waffle iron?

>> No, no.

Yes.

>> Oh, my God.

I knew it! I knew it!

Everybody come in here.

I (bleep) knew it.

He waffled his dead hand!

(laughing)

>> He did it, he did it.

>> Just like you said.

>> Yeah, okay, pay up,

everybody pay up.

>> My dreams... dashed!

My family, disgraced!

My hand... a waffle.

>> Now why did I bet

against this?

We all knew

this was gonna happen.

All of us.

>> We got, we gotta do this.

Look, nobody's not gonna believe

I was here and saw this.

We gotta take a picture.

(laughing)

Yes!

(all laughing)

>> This is Todd Arlington,

live on the scene where that

thing everyone (bleep) knew

would happen, happened.

Can we see the waffle hand,

Tommy?

>> Don't mock my tragedies,

Todd Arlington!

>> Todd Arlington never mocks.

>> You're a monster!

>> This is Todd Arlington,

live from the Waffle House.

>> I failed you, Grandpa.

>> No, son.

The only thing that failed us

are these damn hands of ours.

>> (sobbing)

>> It'll be all right.

>> Who's gonna love me?

(sobbing)

>> So we wanna ask, uh,

what is your favorite, uh,

"Friends of the People" sketch?

>> I've...

>> No idea.

>> ...Honestly never seen it.

>> Misty, what's your, uh,

favorite sketch show

on television?

>> Um...

"Saturday Night Live."

>> Satur-- all right.

>> Could you do me a favor and

just look right into that camera

and say, "I'm a real big fan

of 'Friends of the People,'

and you can watch it on truTV."

Okay, I'll cut this part out so

no one will know, but, just...

>> Okay.

>> Okay, ready?

>> All right.

I'm a big fan of, um,

"Friend of the People,"

and you can see it on truTV.

>> It's a great show on TV--

on truTV called

"Friends of the People."

Uh, who is your favorite cast

member?

>> I have never seen the show

before.

(chuckling)

>> So you don't know

who Josh Rabinowitz is or

Kevin Barnett...itz is or

>> I don't know.

>> Lil Rel?

>> Nope, nope...

>> Everybody know Lil Rel.

Come on.

>> I don't know Lil Rel.

(laughing)

>> Well, okay, well...

>> I don't.

>> Take care.

>> Oh, God, can someone help me

with this hat?

>> (chuckling)

Don't worry about it.

I got you.

Here we go.

Yeah.

(chuckling)

>> Wow, thank you.

>> Uh, thank you, you know what

I mean, it ain't nothing too

high for Marvin to get as long

as I got this stick.

(chuckling)

>> Thank you, stick.

>> Oh, no, thank me, baby.

(chuckling)

I see.

>> Hey, Marvin.

Listen, I got some bad news.

I know you been reaching for

stuff here at Lou's Clothes for

20 years...

>> Uh-huh.

>> But we're gonna

be replacing you.

>> Replacing me with who?

>> Not a who, a what.

I got a ladder.

We simply cannot turn our backs

on this technology any longer.

>> Oh, so you got a ladder.

You know something,

you're gonna regret this.

And one day, you're gonna need

this stick and my black ass.

Oh, Marvin, what are we gonna do

now, huh?

>> Help!

Help!

Help!

Oh!

My cell phone is stuck

in the tree!

>> Oh, don't worry about it.

I got it.

Here you go.

>> You're my hero.

>> (chuckling) Oh.

>> What's your name?

>> Stickman.

>> Give up the purse!

>> Hey!

>> It's my purse!

(laughing)

Oh!

**

>> Thank you, Stickman.

(both gasping)

>> I got the money,

start the car.

(distant siren blaring)

>> Help, someone's

robbing Lou's!

>> (chuckling)

I knew this day would come.

>> Ahh!

>> The ladder is a hero!

>> Ladder, ladder, ladder,

ladder, ladder!

>> Welcome to

"Squabblin & Quarrelin."

That's Keith, I'm Kenny.

>> And this is a show where we

squabble and quarrel about some

of the hottest topics on Earth.

And tonight's episode,

it's all about wrestling.

We're debating everything that's

pro wrestling.

>> We even got the wrestlers

here to decide who's right

or wrong.

>> So our first topic is X-Pac.

What's his favorite sports?

>> I gotta go with, uh,

gotta go with darts.

>> You think it's darts?

>> I think it's darts.

>> I'm gonna go with pro

wrestling on this one.

>> You think he-- a wrestler

likes pro wrestling?

>> I think it's possible.

>> I gotta go with darts.

>> All right, well, let's see

what X-Pac...

>> See what X-Pac has to say.

>> Pro wrestling.

>> Where they gonna pop up?

Right here?

>> Lucas Brothers.

The answer is

professional darts.

>> You were right.

>> Told you.

Told you he liked darts.

>> Good call.

>> Hey, you know...

>> It's a good sport.

>> I'm, uh, it's a pretty good

sport.

>> Think so.

All right, next topic.

Jake The Snake.

What's his favorite candy?

>> You know, I've been thinking

about this for last couple

months.

And, uh, I gotta go with

Gummy Bears.

>> Gummy Bears?

I like candy popcorn.

>> Well, I'm going with--

I said Gummy Worms, right?

>> You said Gummy Bears.

>> Gummy Bears?

>> Gummy Bears, same thing.

>> No, they're not.

>> Gummy Bears.

>> Gummy Bears.

>> Popcorn candy.

>> Jake?

>> Jake, what do you--

>> Hey, Lucas Brothers.

The answer

is Gummy Bears.

>> You're right again.

>> I know, I know, I know,

I mean, when you study wrestlers

as long as I have, you become

an expert.

>> I'm really impressed with

your knowledge.

>> Neh, you know,

don't worry about it.

>> Well, next topic,

"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.

Topic is-- How do you think

Hacksaw feels about the

increased dependency on

technology?

>> That's a great question.

>> Good question.

>> You know, uh...

I feel like Hacksaw's for

technology, but, you know,

I think he would acknowledge the

inherent flaws and an increased

dependency on technology

particularly the elimination

of jobs.

>> We gotta go to Hacksaw.

>> We gotta go to Hacksaw

on this.

I think Hacksaw

will provide the answer.

>> Yes.

>> The answer is Gummy Bears,

tough guy!

Ho!

>> I don't know, did they give--

>> I don't think he got the

right question.

>> It must've been...

>> Must've been the wrong--

>> There's been some kind of

mistake, guys, he must've got

the wrong question.

We're not sure how he feels

about technology, but we do know

that he loves Gummy Bears.

>> Yes.

>> So that's the end

of the show.

>> That's the end of the show.

>> We'll see you guys

when we see you.

>> Bye-bye.

>> Good night.

>> Okay, guys, brand-new

physical challenge, it's called

Human Meatball.

Here's what you got.

30 seconds to inflate your dad

and soak him in marinara sauce.

Got it?

>> Yeah.

>> All right, let's get started,

good luck.

On your mark, get set, go!

Keep pumping.

You guys are doing a great job.

Keep on going.

>> Um...

I think something wrong.

>> Keep on going, guys.

>> Come on, Dad, focus!

>> I am focused, but I'm telling

you, something's wrong, man.

>> Come on, Dad,

you're embarrassing us!

>> It feels like somebody's

sitting on my chest, man.

>> Dad, just shut up and

complete the physical challenge!

>> The air getting into my butt.

I can feel it.

>> Keep pumping.

>> It's getting in my butt.

>> Keep pumping.

>> I think I need to come up

with a theme song for Stickman.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And I might need your help

with that.

>> Well, let me ask you,

what do you think?

Are you thinking throwback R&B?

EDM, electronic dance music,

you know...

(mimicking pounding EDM)

You know, like...

>> That's just music, though.

We need words.

So you gotta say Stickman

at some point.

>> * Doo, doo, doo-wop...

>> * He's a complicated man

* With a stick plicated man

* Get clothes really high

* Lingeries, underwears

* Hats and everything

>> * Doo, doo, doo-wop

>> * Doo, doo, doo-wop

>> * Slick with a stick

>> * Doo-wop

* Doo, doo, doo-wop

>> * Slick with the stick

>> Hey!

>> So who's your favorite

cast member on

"Friends of the People"?

>> You.

>> Oh, thank you, man.

>> (chuckling)

No problem, man.

>> So, like, but, uh,

y'all remember my name, though?

>> No.

>> No.

>> That's fine.

>> Jay, right?

>> Nah, it's very far from Jay.

>> * Who loves Mondays?

* I love Mondays

(laughing)

Hi, Fiona.

(chuckling)

Rakim, you're here early!

>> Yes, sir, well, my father

said, before he passed to

cancer, if I have a job

interview--

>> I like that.

You're a man of initiative and

family values.

I'm looking for that

around here.

>> That's me, sir.

>> I like you, I like you.

All right, I'ma get some coffee.

How do you take yours?

>> Up the butt.

>> Me too!

(laughing)

You know, scientifically,

that's the healthiest way to

drink coffee!

>> I know.

>> I like you, Rakim.

I had a good feeling about you

when I saw your résumé.

You want a tour of the place?

>> Yes, sir.

>> Good, I knew you would.

I'll race you.

(laughing)

>> * I guess we're kind

* Of like an old pair of shoes

* They get more comfy

* Once you breakin' 'em in

* It's exactly like I told you

* We'll always be best friends

>> * You are my best friend

>> * Lord knows ain't nobody

* Like my best friend

>> (laughing)

Well, that was fun!

Now, let's feed that butt

some coffee, huh?

>> Sounds good to me.

>> What do you like, sugars?

No, you like milks.

You a milks type of boy,

ain't you?

>> Nope, just some ice

and I'm swell.

>> Rakim.

Are you saying you drink ice

coffee up your butt?

>> Well, yeah, I mean...

Don't tell me that you drink

hot coffee up the butt?

>> That's how you do it!

>> That's crazy, that'd ruin

your butt.

>> Not if your butt is strong.

>> You're being nonsensical,

okay?

Any man who thinks drinking hot

coffee up the butt is the right

way to drink coffee up the butt

isn't fit to run a company!

>> (chuckling)

Nobody's ever spoke to me that

way before ever, nobody.

And I could use that around

here.

I've been looking for

a successor.

Yes, I have.

I've been looking for

a successor.

But no one's had the balls,

nay, the cheeks to stand up

to me the way you did!

I'm looking right in your eyes!

Get back to work!

I got something for you.

(chuckling)

I've been waiting for you to

come around.

There was a prophecy that said

a boy like you will come

take over for me and run this

enterprise.

One more thing.

My mighty scepter.

'Cause the company is yours.

I love you, son.

(grunts)

>> Back to work!

>> * We'll always

* Be best friends

>> I'm gonna teach my cast mates

how to do the Jermainulator.

And, uh, it goes a little

something like this.

Lock your feet together.

And then, wait, wait, wait.

**

Boom, one, two, three.

**

(all laughing)

>> I remember the last time...

>> Who did it the best?