Original subtitles

>> So, look, I just came back

from Detroit, and I crushed

those dips in contracts.

And I got 18 holes in.

(laughing)

>> Oh, man, funky, yeah, we'll

I'm still gonna head down to

Sandusky on Friday and I...

I think after the Gamber meeting

I'm just gonna jet over

to Cedar Point.

They have this mondo coaster

that I've just been meaning to

crush, you what I mean,

just like...

>> (gasping)

>> Steve?

Steve, are you okay, Steve?

>> I'm-- I'm-- I'm choking.

>> Oh! Oh, my God, okay, uh, I'm

coming, Steve, I'm coming.

All right?

Oh, okay.

Steve, a little higher than

I thought there, okay, pal?

>> I'm dying...

>> Okay, I know, Steve,

I'm coming, I'm coming.

One, two, three.

(grunting)

Steve, help me.

Steve, give me your hand! Steve!

>> You're not strong.

(gasping)

You're not strong enough.

>> Oh, wow, really, Steve?

(bleep)

(straining) Okay.

Okay, my knee.

Steve, my knee!

>> I told you so.

>> Oh, get a (bleep) Steve,

Really? You think you could

get over that wall?

>> Just come around.

Matter of fact... (wheezing)

>> No.

>> I'll come over there.

>> No-no-no, you stay there,

I'll come to you.

All right, Steve, I got a plan.

Ohh!

**

>> * Even though I ain't

* Bitter

Like that.

* I pour Drano on a (bleep)

Pour that Drano.

* I'm petty (bleep)

* 'Cause I'm a petty (bleep)

>> (groaning)

>> I'm petty!

>> Oh, Stedman!

What are you doing?

>> I'm writing my rhymes.

>> Oh, knock that (bleep) off,

you old bastard.

>> Come on, Oprah.

Don't kill my vibe.

>> All this N-word this,

and N-word that.

Is that what you were doing?

>> I'm trying to get this rap

career off the ground, baby.

That's what the kids wanna hear.

>> Oh, oh, those kids.

They don't know diddly-squat.

>> Maybe you should talk to the

kids about his power.

>> Stedman, I've tried.

It's not working and I--

I just don't know what to do.

>> There's always something you

can do.

You got a lot of money.

>> (gasping)

**

>> And much to the dismay of

Americans everywhere, the rumors

have been confirmed.

Oprah Winfrey has indeed bought

the N-word.

Effective 8:00 a.m. Eastern time

tomorrow, all use of the N-word

will be outlawed, and offenders

will be subject to a fine

and execution.

I suggest you get those N-words

out while you can, folks.

Like this:

(bleep bleep)

(sighing)

We'll go out to Laura

in the field-- Laura?

>> It is absolutely chaos out

here, Jack.

There have been 40 new

hip-hop albums released

in the last hour.

I can barely hear myself speak

due to all the N-words.

>> Jesus, that's offensive,

Laura.

>> Oh, no-no-no, I-I wasn't

referring to people.

I meant literally the amount

that people are using

the N-word.

It's drowning everything out.

>> It's the end of an era.

God bless us all.

**

>> You don't know the pain

that word has caused.

That word has crushed the soul

of many young people

and old people alike.

I will not let it

continue...

Put that word and the memories

of it behind you.

This is a new era!

(crow caws)

(Oprah continuing faintly)

This is a new era!

>> (beatboxing)

>> * These...

* Kill e'ry one of these ni--

Ugh!

* I pull the trigger on n--

Uhh! Damn it!

>> Damn, man! It's hard!

What's the point?

>> I can't take it anymore.

>> No, Roger, Roger.

Be strong, man, come on.

>> I... I just--

I wanna say it so bad.

>> (bleep bleep)!

>> (echoing) You!

>> No!

(laser blasts)

>> (laughing maniacally)

>> And the casualties of the

N-word ban continue to climb.

We've just learned that

Samuel L. Jackson has been

vaporized after swimming out to

the middle of the Atlantic

Ocean to yell the N-word.

In addition, both Microsoft and

Apple have gone bankrupt as the

economy continues to plunge due

to the absence of that

magnificent word.

>> (crying) Stedman, look what

we've done.

>> This is what you wanted.

The N-word has been eradicated.

>> Yes, but at what cost?

At what cost?!

Apple is gone!

America...

for the first time in my life,

I've learned that it doesn't

mean the same thing for young

people when they use the word.

They use it to take away its

power and that is progress.

So it's with a heavy heart,

I come before you today to lift

the ban of the N-word!

(cheering)

>> We can say the N-word again!

The ban is lifted! Yahoo!

Ha! It's lifted!

The N-word ban is gone!

We did it!

(whooping) Oh, damn!

Yahoo!

(all cheering)

>> You heard the news, right?

>> Oh, I did, I did.

Yes, we can finally say (bleep).

Oh!

(grunting and screaming)

>> Okay, you got a healthy

little girl here.

Now in the next appointment,

I'd like to get started on those

vaccines for kindergarten.

>> Uh, we're not doing vaccines.

>> I assure you, vaccines are

perfectly harmless.

>> Okay, uh...

This is where I think I probably

know a little bit more about

vaccines than you do,

Dr. Childs.

You know, because you know that

when you give a child a vaccine,

they go insane,

their teeth fall out.

It's all documented.

You know, because I get on the

Internet and I see these things,

and there's been articles.

Uh, I've been on the Internet

a lot lately.

>> How 'bout you tag me in, Doc,

and let me take care of this.

>> Well, all right.

>> Tippy api tu!

>> Excuse me?

>> Hyuh!

>> Yee eeh!

(bell clanging)

>> Looks like I got another

patient.

(laughing)

>> This is Jack Swade reporting

on the streets of New York for

Channel 9 News.

Tell me, what are your feelings

on the report that Oprah Winfrey

has purchased the N-word?

>> It's just surprising to me,

it is.

>> It's surprising to you?

>> Yeah.

>> Well, sorry, Oprah, you're

gonna have to sue me right now

'cause (bleep).

>> Ooh, that's a bad move,

brother.

>> I mean, she's Oprah.

She can purchase anything.

>> Exactly, so she has taken the

N-word, it is now punishable by

death to utter the N-word, and

you have no feelings about this?

>> I don't think anyone should

utter it.

>> Dipset.

>> Dipset, indeed.

Do you feel about that--

>> Hey, I'm on TV right now?

>> You're on TV right now.

You are on TV right now.

>> That's tight.

>> Anything else you have to say

about Oprah buying the N-word?

>> You got a husband?

>> Not yet.

>> I have no penis.

**

>> Pineapples, bitch,

pineapples.

Get your (bleep) hands off me.

All right, all right, all right.

>> Kevin Hart has conquered the

comedy world and is now taking

on a new challenge.

Dramatic acting.

First, Kevin brings the horror

of battle to life

in "World War 3."

>> Kevin...

It looks bad, man.

But be brave.

>> (panting)

First of all, I've been brave

already.

I've been braver than this

whole damn troop.

That's why you guys are still

alive and I'm dying.

I'm going to heaven with Jesus.

Jesus, I see you.

Jesus looking at me like,

"Oh, he just did everything."

I'm about to die now.

You ready for me to die?

Don't do it,

but it's gonna happen.

It's inevitable.

All right.

All right.

All right...

>> Then Kevin takes on the

complexity of love in

"Romance At Last."

>> How could I even love someone

that don't even love them self?

>> First of all,

you got me messed up.

I love the (bleep)

out of myself.

I'm killing again.

Got a new show coming out.

Five, six movies.

"Ride Along" 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

6, 7, all in theaters

at the same time.

Crazy Cuba's tired of me.

I don't care 'cause we gettin'

money.

Unh, unh, we gettin' money...

>> Finally, Kevin's gripping

turn as a street boy in

"Street Boyz."

>> Richie!

(gunshot)

**

>> Mama?

Mama!

>> What is going...

(screaming) ...on?!

(wailing)

What happened?!

>> Okay, Mama.

First of all, we at the party,

minding our own business.

Look, I walk in, couple beers.

They were 40 ounces,

same height as me.

Richie, running around the

party, think he a tough guy.

But he played football.

Matter of fact, he's a football

player, never shot a gun in his

life, but he trying to act

like he tough.

Thugs get mad at him

and push him.

Boom, get shot in the back

'cause he thought he could beat

our brother.

Now he's dead, now he's gone,

but the crazy thing about it,

unh, I'm still getting money.

Unh, unh, unh.

Gettin' money, unh.

>> Get the (bleep) out,

Kevin Hart.

>> Three new Kevin Hart movies

all coming out on the same day.

>> Hi, I'm Washington Redskins

owner Dan Snyder.

Now, I know the name of my

NFL football team is virulently

racist, but I don't care

because I'm stupid and I'm rich

and I'm dumb and I hate people.

**

Aah!

>> (slowed) Tippy api tu!

You're welcome.

Yee eeh!

>> All right, everyone, uh,

we go live in about five--

uh, five minutes, yeah, so, uh,

welcome our new lottery host.

Uh, let's do some practice

pulls, all right?

>> Okay.

>> All right, cool beans.

And action!

>> Hello, my name

is Lisa Garbaggio,

and this is the lottery.

Oh! Oh!

>> Yeah, that's scary, too.

>> Oh!

>> (laughing) First number.

>> It's not coming.

>> Shake it a little bit.

Shake the machine.

There you go.

>> And the first number up

is a 4-0.

4-0.

>> Ha ha!

It's never done that before!

>> The next number is...

>> Not with the Yolanda!

>> This is very loud!

>> What?!

>> I'm sorry, is there any way

we can just shut it off

for a moment?

Can we shut the mach--

The next number is

a six with a line.

A nine with a line.

An angry six.

>> That's a 32.

>> It's a 32.

My name is Lisa Garbaggio,

and the first number--

>> Here we go, we're live

in three, two--

>> Live from WGGG.

The official drawing of the

state lottery.

>> I'm Lisa Garbaggio

and the first number up is...

Johnny.

And the second number up

is three.

And the fourth number up

is seven.

And the ninth number up is...

And the 17th number up...

>> This is the plaintiff,

Keith Lucas.

He says his brother Kenny

totaled his car and never paid

for it.

He is suing for just over

half a billion dollars.

This is the defendant,

Kenny Lucas.

He says his brother Keith has

some nerve taking him to court.

Kenny is accused of being

the evil twin.

>> Court is now in session.

Judge Marilyn Milian presiding.

>> So it says that you're suing

your brother for $500 million

in damages to his car.

>> In 1993, my brother Kenny

crushed my car, ruining my

paint job and destroying my

suspension.

>> Tell me, how did

he damage the car?

>> He stepped on it.

>> I'm sorry, he what--

He stepped on it?

>> Yeah.

>> I don't-- what kind of car

was this car?

>> It's radio controlled.

It's-- it was a nice one.

Anyway, the $500 million is for

punitive damages, and I want him

to know my pain.

I love that car.

>> (sighs)

>> I'd like to call my first

witness to the stand.

>> This is Ronald.

He's a cousin to Keith and Kenny

and says he knows what happened.

>> Yeah, I know what happened.

Kenny squished the car.

>> That's right.

>> Shut up, Ronald,

nobody likes you.

You know what, I'ma call my

witness to the stand.

I'm calling our other cousin,

Bobby.

>> Okay, we don't-- they're not

really stands, they're more--

>> Bobby is also a Lucas brother

cousin, and he's here

to settle the score.

>> Bobby, how dare you?

>> Believe it.

I'm testifying on behalf

of Kenny 'cause you dropped

all of my Digimon cards

in the bathtub.

>> I lost my grip, dude.

They're made of very slippery

paper.

I wanna call my next witness,

uh, Butler.

Where's Butler Jeeves?

>> The Lucas family butler,

Jeeves, was trained in Oxford

and has many regrets

about his life.

>> Okay, no, we don't need any

more band playing.

>> I'd actually like to say

it wasn't Kenny who stepped

on the car.

But it was Keith.

>> (gasping)

>> (gasping)

>> Hmm, maybe it was me.

Come to think about it...

>> Or maybe it was Kenny.

You guys look so much alike.

>> We do.

>> Is anyone 100% sure that

they didn't do it?

>> No, not 100%.

>> (both) No.

>> You know what,

I have my verdict, okay?

Not guilty.

100% not guilty.

This was a very large waste

of time.

**

>> Now, your Best Man, Jimmy,

is gonna present the rings.

**

>> This is crazy.

I should be the Best Man at my

brother's wedding.

>> You damn right, Kenny.

Tag me in, dog.

>> Oh, D'Lo Brown.

>> Uhh!

>> (shrieking)

(onlookers groaning)

>> Dude, that's my best friend.

Why'd you do that, man?

Uhh!

>> (laughing)

>> You better recognize, punk!

>> Recognize.

>> You guys ruined my wedding.

(shrieking)

(onlookers groaning)

>> I didn't like you anyway.

(bell dings)

All right, let's get out

of here, dude.

>> (chuckling)

I am so glad you two were able

to come to our housewarming.

>> Yeah, well, it took us

forever to move in, so I guess

the house is pretty warm by now.

(all chuckling)

>> Oh, Shawn, I...

Whoa.

What happened to that dude?

>> Oh, that.

My grandma actually got me that

when she was helping orphans

in Guatemala.

>> So, he "Guacamolean"?

(laughter)

>> What are you-- Joe, what are

you talking about?

>> (bleep), he got blood on him!

Oh, man, he looks pretty bad,

too.

He was in a truck accident

or something?

>> Okay, no, Joe,

it's Jesus Christ.

I mean, he was nailed

to the cross.

>> (spit take)

You know Him?

(laughing) Oh, that's crazy.

Is he okay?

>> No, he died, Joe.

>> What, you went to college

with him or something?

>> Okay-- no, Joe,

he's Jesus Christ, um...

He was in the Bible.

Uh, he lived in Jerusalem.

His mother was the Virgin Mary.

>> What the hell

are you talking about?!

How do y'all even know

these people?

>> Well, we don't know them

personally.

>> You don't even know these

people, you just putting

strangers on your wall?

Let me tell you something.

When I die...

(chuckling)

I better be on that wall.

>> Well, you know what, Joe, no,

I will not put you on my wall!

Because, unlike Jesus,

you're a total ass (bleep)!

All right, Jesus died

for our sins, right?

But you didn't even go to your

own mother's funeral because

you had tickets to Mudvayne.

I've seen you kick a dog, dude.

So, no, I will not put you

on my wall!

>> Wow.

I know how you really feel,

you know?

Guess I'll just do all of us

a favor... and I'll just leave.

(sets glass down)

That's what you all want anyway.

**

>> Uh, no, Joe, wait, uh...

I'm sorry, man.

That was, uh...

(sniffling)

That was cruel.

I hope you can forgive me.

>> * Ahh

Oh, my son.

You've already been forgiven.

>> Oh, my God, Jesus?

It's been you the whole time?

Have you been testing us?

>> Yes, I was.

You must feel like a real

butt-face right now.

God bless you.

* Ahh...

>> Hey, so, we, uh, did a sketch

with D'Lo Brown, and it was this

real fun wedding sketch.

And basically, he Sky Highed

everybody which is like his

signature move, except Rel.

So our director

Bobcat Goldthwait wants to prank

Rel and let him think

he's getting Sky Highed.

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(all laughing)

**

**

>> Hey, man, it's your first

day here?

Where you from, man?

>> Definitely from around

here, man.

Sick of people thinking this is

the hood, you know what I mean?

>> Well, hold the (bleep) up.

You know where you at?

>> Hell, yeah, I know

where I'm at, man.

And it ain't (bleep).

You know where I'm from?

Dudes get shot every day.

>> Okay, look, you know you on

a block that's bad enough,

they got little kids over there

slinging crack.

>> That ain't the worst thing

I've ever seen, man.

You know what I saw?

I saw a dude get his arms

blown off.

That's right, blown off

by a grenade, yeah,

a war weapon, man.

And you know what?

He's still pulling drive-bys.

The streets don't respect him.

>> Why?

>> 'Cause he ain't got no arms!

>> (scoffs) Oh, yeah?

>> Yeah, and you know what?

I'm scared.

>> (laughing)

Sorry-ass, you scared.

Ain't no way you're more scared

than me.

>> Man, you know I don't even

sleep at night, man?

I don't sleep, all right?

I'm just up... up!

Worrying!

>> What, you don't think

I be tossing and turning,

turning and tossing?

It be gunshots right outside

my window every night!

>> Personally, I'm moving!

Yeah, I'm moving, man,

'cause it's too dangerous,

and I'm leaving!

>> No, you ain't moving

before me-- I done saved up

way more money than you!

>> Hell, no, you ain't saved--

Dude, I'm working, man.

I'm working so I can move first,

all right?!

And in the meantime...

>> (both) Stay out of trouble.

>> (chuckling)

>> You know what?

I think we just learned

something.

>> I think we did, man.

And you know, I...

I think the point is that it

doesn't matter where we're from,

you know what I mean?

All that matters is that we're

all in this together.

>> Yeah, and it doesn't matter

what our differences are,

we all just want a better life,

right?

>> I'm Wayne.

>> Jay, man.

>> Pleased to meet you, man.

>> Good to meet you, too.

>> Let's get back to work.

>> All right.

>> Yeah, dude.

>> Freeze, ghetto thugs!

>> Put your weapons

on the ground.

>> No, no, these are just boxes.

(gunshots)

>> Whew.

>> Ooh.

>> Jeez Louise.

>> (chuckling)

>> God knows what type of

firepower they had in those

box-shaped guns.

>> Yeah, good move.

>> Yikes.

>> What would your wrestling

gimmick be, Rel?

>> Like, I would take my glasses

off and put it on somebody

else's face and then slap him.

(all laughing)

Come up...

Just like, "Oh, I can't see."

Then...

(laughter)

He's doing it!

He's taking 'em off!

(laughter)

>> Watching you get slammed

and your glasses and hat

exploding...

>> That was...

>> I thought you died.

>> I think you took the

dealy-bump better than I did.

>> No...

(laughter)

>> Josh farted.

>> Yeah, he farted.

>> What happened was, I was

literally-- well, I was joking,

like, "Oh, what if you pooped

your pants?"

But he, on the second slam...

He-- I hit, and I immediately

just, on impact, farted right

into his body.

(laughter)

And it wasn't like, I...

I didn't, like, I didn't do it,

like, he farted me.

Like, it was like a baby,

essentially, like...