Original subtitles

>> And that's where babies

come from.

>> All right.

>> Oh, Kevin, now this is you.

>> All right, cool.

Well, see y'all.

>> Bye, man.

>> Peace.

>> Peace.

>> I'm really hungry.

>> Yeah, me too, actually.

I think I'd like a burger.

>> I'd like a cheeseburger.

>> It's unlocked.

(both laughing)

>> This can't be happening,

this can't be happening.

(both giggling)

>> (laughing menacingly)

>> Hey, man.

>> No, no!

>> Why'd you put this

on Facebook?

>> (laughing menacingly)

>> They couldn't have got my

Twitter.

I... I can't get in!

>> Welcome to customer support.

Please press one...

>> Representative.

>> Please press two if...

>> Representative.

Please, please, please,

please, shut off,

shut off my phone, please.

>> Kevin.

I think it's-- think it's

too late.

Hey, man.

**

(doorbell ringing)

(phone ringing)

(ringing continues)

(ringing continues)

>> What do you want?!

You monsters!

>> Just wanted you to put your

phone on your face because

I rubbed it on my balls.

(laughing)

>> (screaming)

**

>> What up, Andy?

>> Yo, we're alive, dude.

>> Look-- hey, guys,

hey, fellas, the jig is up.

I just told Andy that we're,

we're real, we're live now, man,

we're free.

Y'all can come out now.

>> This has Lucas Brothering

The Movies.

**

>> Ahh!

>> Hey, what's up, everybody?

I'm Master P.

And this is "Master P-Wee's

Playhouse."

>> Yay!

>> No Limit Records.

We define the children's

entertainment game.

Hit 'em again.

>> No Limit!

>> Stop.

I'm about to make y'all

say the word today.

Know what that word is?

Uhh...

>> Uhh!

>> When you make someone say,

"Uhh," it's because you've

really impressed them with how

cool you are, right, Master P.?

>> You damn right, you weird ass

talking chair.

Also, it means

a dirty south beat.

>> Ow.

>> Oh, snap.

What's up, Silk the Sock Puppet?

Yo, I was just saying how great

and special of a day today is.

>> Why, Master P-Wee?

>> Well, it's 'cause we 'bout to

tell all these children how to

make gold grills.

>> Yay!

>> I love gold grills, P.

(doorbell ringing)

>> Neh-nah, neh-nah.

>> Oh, snap, it's the mailman,

always coming in unannounced.

Like we friends or something.

What's up, baby?

>> Did I hear that somebody's

making some fly-ass gold grills?

>> Yeah, yeah, we making

gold grills.

>> Well, I have this letter here

from the Kings of Gold that say,

they've actually banned

gold grills.

(all gasping)

>> Say it ain't so,

Master P-Wee.

>> Ay yo, Robot, chill out, man,

we about to make these gold

grills anyhow.

I'm about to call up the Kings

of Gold right now.

>> But what if that doesn't

work, Master P-Wee?

>> Ay yo, Robot?

I need you to chill out, a'ight?

Check this out.

Yo, Kings of Gold, come in here!

>> What it do, Master P-Wee?

>> What's up, baby?

How y'all doing?

>> What's up?

>> How you doing?

>> So we got your message.

What's up?

>> Well, you know, this letter

here is saying that y'all done

banned gold for the day,

which is a problem.

'Cause we about to teach all

these kids how to make gold

grills.

>> Come over here

to Mystikal The Merlin.

We'll settle this out.

Mystikal The Merlin,

did you write this?

>> Hmm.

(speaking gibberish)

>> Mystikal The Merlin doesn't

make any sense.

>> We didn't ban gold.

It's free gold grills for

everybody!

>> Yay!

>> Hey, y'all heard the man.

Take these gold grills,

y'all make 'em say uhh.

Join us next week when we learn

how to bust C-Murder

out of prison.

>> Yay!

**

>> Yo, so I'm here with the cast

and, uh, our buddy, Justin, who

we just met and, uh, Josh

challenged Justin to a belt-off.

>> Belt-off.

>> What Josh believes he's the

best at in the world is, uh,

taking off his belt and putting

it back on his body.

>> Very quickly.

>> It's very stupid.

On your mark, get set... go!

**

>> You're almost there, Josh,

come on, come on,

come on, come on.

Come on!

>> Oh!

>> He won.

>> Go.

>> Justin.

>> Oh, it got stuck.

>> Justin, Justin...

>> Ahh!

(laughing and whooping)

>> Go.

>> Oh, oh, oh!

Come on.

>> Josh, wait.

>> Oh, oh, oh.

(all whooping)

(all shouting)

>> You're a winner and are still

champion of the belt thing.

>> I was able to win before he

even had ever done this before,

and then after he tried it once,

he won every other time.

>> All right, so we are

the Kings of Gold from, uh,

No Limit Land.

And there can only be one

King of Gold.

So we're gonna slap box

to determine

who that King of Gold is.

(boxing bell dings)

>> Oh!

>> I got you, I got you.

(boxing bell dings)

>> Oh!

>> That's one for Kenny.

(boxing bell dings)

(bell dinging)

>> That was easy.

Am I the King of Gold?

>> Whoo!

>> Oh-ho, you got me.

(chuckling)

>> What are you doing, man?

>> Oh, I... tapped you on your

right so you...

>> No, I-- I know what

you're doing.

But it's like... why?

But even if it worked,

you know, like...

What's the upside?

>> That you looked

the wrong way.

And then I'd be over here,

so you'd be like...

>> And that's funny to you?

>> I don't know, I guess.

(chuckling)

Drop it like it's hot!

(laughing)

>> What are you doing, man?

>> It's a song.

>> No, I know the song.

But why?

>> Because you dropped

something.

>> Well... why wouldn't

you just say,

"Hey, you dropped something"?

>> Well, I just hear a lot

of people say, "Drop it

like it's hot."

So, I just thought that--

>> That I'd laugh?

>> Yeah.

>> I didn't.

Stu, people hate people who

do the things you're doing.

Did you know that?

>> I don't know, I don't know.

I just, I just... I, I, I...

I just--

>> Spit it out.

>> I just try to be myself.

>> Don't.

Some people should be themselves

and other people shouldn't.

Stu, if this is who you are...

change.

>> You're right, I'm--

I'm sorry, I've been

so annoying, I--

>> No.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to everyone

in this office.

>> I'm sorry I've bothered you.

I'm gonna change.

Ooh, ooh.

Do I make you horny, babies?!

Come on.

>> Dogs, we all love 'em.

>> Loyal, shaggy, right?

>> Wrong!

Dogs are dangerous.

>> They can't be trusted.

>> Did you know that dogs can't

even talk or ask questions?

>> Dogs have no moral congress.

>> Did you know that dogs can

leap up to 40 feet in the air,

although no man has seen it

before, and lived?

>> They're relentless butchers

with an insatiable appetite

for destruction.

>> Look at my hand.

A dog bit me yesterday!

>> Bit him.

Dogs ain't got no insurance

cards.

>> They ain't got no (bleep)

insurance!

>> And with your help, we will

launch all dogs into the sun.

>> They got us flanked

on both sides, it's over.

>> It's not over, man.

We got one more option.

We can go straight

up the middle.

>> All right, let's go.

>> No, wait, wait.

Before we go,

I have to tell you something.

>> You love me?

>> No, I wasn't gonna say that.

But that works.

You wanna go?

>> All right.

>> Ahh!

>> Ahh!

>> Ohh!

**

>> I got hit!

>> Oh, man.

You all right, man?

Can you feel your legs?

>> I can feel my legs,

it's laser tag.

>> You wiener heads

suck at everything.

>> At least we didn't fart,

you fart monster!

>> Whatever, turd brains!

>> Yo a turd brain!

>> Hey.

>> Huh?

>> Take it easy.

>> What now, fat boy,

you gonna cry?

>> Oh, I hate that kid.

>> Uh, we're not gonna beat him

at laser tag, so we should do

something else.

I got an idea.

>> Ah-la-la-la!

Hey, where did those

dick farts go?

**

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

This is my birthday party!

>> Who's a turd brain now?

>> Curse you Lucas Bros!

>> Wow, Gary, we're here.

The Big Apple, New York City.

Picture-- oh.

Excuse me, I'm sorry

about that.

(chuckling)

Oh, this is so exciting.

Yes, look at me.

I'm doing it big, Mama,

look at me.

Sorry about that.

(chuckling)

>> Yo, dude, do you wanna just

take a picture?

>> No, okay, that's what

the selfie stick is for.

Wake up, come on!

Jesus Christ.

**

>> Stop selfie sticks today.

But don't murder people

in public.

Paid for by the Association

of Regretful Murders.

>> What's up, Tony?

See that game last night?

All right, Chauncey,

what would you like to eat

for your last meal?

>> I've done terrible things,

Officer Conkins.

I've killed so many people.

I don't deserve to see

another day.

So, for my last meal,

I'll just eat a plate

of "sallman."

>> "Sallman"?

Chauncey, you know it's

pronounced salmon, right?

>> (giggling)

>> What are you drawing, nerd?

>> Well, I'm just drawing me

a nice "sallman."

(all chuckling)

>> Hey, Chauncey, what color's

my sweatshirt?

>> It's hard to tell in the sun,

but it might be pink

or a little orange.

Probably in the "sallman"

family.

>> Let's crush this dope.

>> Oh, oh!

>> I don't believe you got us

a reservation here.

>> Right.

(sighing)

But you know one thing that

would make this night even

better?

Is if you...

marry me.

>> Yes, yes, Chauncey.

>> Come here.

>> I love you so much.

>> I love you, too, Carol.

Mwah.

>> (laughing)

Oh, wow.

>> You two ready to order?

>> Yup. (chuckling)

>> What can I get for you, sir?

>> You know what?

I think I'll have the "sallman."

>> (coughing)

What'd you say?

>> I said the "sallman."

>> (coughing)

>> She's choking!

Carol's choking!

Does anyone know CPR?

Does anyone here know CPR?

Carol!

>> (gagging)

>> No!

(sobbing)

>> You killed her!

>> How?

>> Go!

Get out of here!

Get out of here and never

come back!

>> (Chauncey crying)

(grunts)

Shh-shh-shh.

>> Chauncey!

>> Yeah, you call me, sir?

>> Yes, I did.

Look here, man, your work here

has not gone unnoticed,

and you're doing a great job.

I'm proud of you.

And just for that,

I'ma take you to lunch.

Lunch is on me.

How 'bout that, huh?

You want chicken, pasta, beef?

What you want?

>> Those dishes do

sound delightful, I--

You know, I'll just have nice

plate of "sallman."

>> (snickering)

>> What?

>> Hey, come here, y'all.

It's nothing.

Come here.

>> Why you bringing the fish

burgers over here?

>> What type of fish do we ship?

>> It's pretty simple, we,

we ship "sallman."

(laughter)

Why, why...

Why are you laughing at me?!

Stop!

Just stop!

Ahh!

Oh, my God.

Conkins!

I've been pronouncing it

all wrong.

I've been saying "sallman" when

it's really pronounced salmon.

I wish I knew.

I mean, maybe if I had better

parents or, you know--

Ahh!

Oh!

>> Hey, would you mind taking

a picture of us?

Great.

>> It's a selfie stick.

You gotta turn it around.

You gotta-- no, not that...

>> No, you turn it around.

>> You physically turn around.

>> You have to turn your body

around.

>> You turn this way and then

pull the stick out.

Like you gotta be...

>> Like a 180.

>> Just take it.

>> Yeah, you can take it.

>> How about this, how about

everyone just go behind him?

>> There we go, now you,

now you pull it up.

>> Oh, there we go.

>> Just duck, like hold it up

but duck, just him.

We stay up, you duck.

>> Oh, so he's out?

>> Block his face?

>> * I say they so damn cool

* And they so damn school

* The cool young black doctors

* The cool young black doctors

* I said they're young

* They're black

* And you won't get jacked

* Why?

* 'Cause they cool

* Young black doctors

* Cool young black doctors

>> Ahh!

Hey, what's up, everybody?

I'm Master P.

And this another edition of

"Master P-Wee's Playhouse."

>> Yay!

>> A'ight, today we learn how to

freestyle rap battle.

Clock, explain what that is to

the kids at home.

>> Freestyle rap battle is when

you rhyme insults to humiliate

someone in front of an audience.

>> A'ight.

And for today's battle, we got

Silk the Sock Puppet versus

Mystikal The Merlin.

>> Oh!

>> A'ight, yo, battle.

>> (speaking gibberish)

Sock, sock, sock!

Hey, sock, you are sock!

Sock!

>> Boy, you suck, you suck!

>> A'ight, a'ight, a'ight.

That's enough, y'all.

Kids, let this be a lesson.

If y'all bring weak flow

like Mystikal The Merlin,

y'all gonna get booed.

Silk, respond.

>> Mystikal The Merlin,

what the (bleep) you say?

All that magic,

you still talk that way?

I can't hear your raps.

What's up with that?

Y'all couldn't understand,

I just know that (bleep)

was trash.

>> Ooh!

>> A'ight, a'ight.

Yo, that's enough, a'ight?

Now it may look like Silk

the Sock Puppet destroyed

Mystikal The Merlin.

Problem is, Silk the Sock Puppet

used a dirty word.

So he's disqualified.

>> Oh.

>> Ohh...

>> But also, Mystikal

The Merlin, he ain't gonna win

'cause what he did sucked.

So I win!

Master P. is the winner, y'all!

>> Yay!

>> A'ight.

>> Not so fast.

>> Pee-wee Herman?

>> That's right, it's me.

Pee-wee Herman.

You gotta stop talking to each

other so disrespectfully.

You gotta be loving.

So what if Merlin talks and raps

like he has a pile of (bleep) in

his mouth?

And who cares if this (bleep)

clock thing looks like

a (bleep) with (bleep)?

And so what if this thing looks

like R2-D2 (bleep) my air

conditioner and (bleep) nothing

looks like every (bleep)

Kim Kardashian ever (bleep).

Big deal.

No reason to use salty language

and insult each other

for Pete's sake.

>> Damn, Pee-wee--

>> Shut up.

You over-the-hill (bleep)

nothing, you never were

any good.

The next time you wanna talk,

you know what you ought to do?

(bleep) my (bleep) the (bleep).

**

>> We just wrapped the sketch.

And so we're gonna have these,

uh, 18th century-style

laser duels.

>> The token white man

introduces the sketch.

>> Yeah, Josh has

introduced every single

behind-the-scenes...

>> Here we go, look, I'll be

introducing this next

behind-the-scenes fun thing we

about to do...

(laughter)

>> Stop.

A lot of us is laser tag fans!

>> Man, you taking too long

man.

>> Would y'all stop shooting?

>> See, this is why they made

Josh do it.

>> What, are we rolling?

One...

two...

three...

>> Okay, wait, Jen, that's

too slow, come on, man.

>> One, two...

One, two-- Josh, attack again.

One, two, three, four, five, go!

>> Kill, kill!

>> There, I got you.

>> No, you didn't.

>> I buzzed, homey.

Oh, sh-- I think you got me.

>> I got you, you're done, yeah.

>> I don't know, did you?

Man, this sucks.