Original subtitles

>> And the award for Best

Supporting Actress in a film

goes to...

Nancy Oates, for "This House is

Dirty Dammit."

(applause)

Nancy.

>> Oh.

Mwah.

(giggles)

Wow, wow, uh...

This is quite an honor, uh...

Uh, I'd like to thank my,

my team, my friends, my family.

I'd like to thank my husband

of nine years, Tom, for his love

and his support.

I love you, uh...

I'd also like to thank...

>> She's going too long, sir.

>> Let's cue the music.

>> Uh, my immediates,

my cats and my pets...

(music playing)

Okay, no, I hear the music.

Uh, okay, I'd also just quickly

like to thank...

>> She's, uh, not stopping,

guys.

>> Turn the music up louder.

>> Acting can be hard!

So what you have to do

is be harder, go...

>> Oh, my God.

No one's ever gone on this long.

>> Cue the bowling pins.

>> And I think to myself,

it is a wonderful world.

It is, everything can be...

Acting...

>> No effect.

>> Hit her with the buckets.

>> No dream is too small.

>> No effect.

>> Oh, man, I'm getting scared.

>> Don't worry.

I didn't want to have to do

this.

Electrify the podium!

>> Sixth grade,

my teacher said to me

neh-neh-neh-neh-neh-neh...

Nancy, you're gonna be a star!

>> She's not human!

>> Mustard gas.

>> The environment, that's who

we should be giving awards to.

The earth, animals, giraffes...

>> Get the sniper rifle.

>> It's killing time.

>> My first acting job was

a commercial for a water park...

(gunshot)

...in Wareham, Massachusetts.

I knew I could be...

>> I missed, man.

Shot the trophy lady.

>> I know I could, so I did.

>> Just go to commercial.

>> And I pushed down

that door...

**

>> "Friends of the People"

presents...

The date, December 1st, 1955.

A tired Robert Walton, known

around town for his incredible

racism and his even more

incredible homemade ice cream

sandwiches, was about to

unwittingly be the catalyst for

a monumental change in history.

>> Oh, nah, bus driver!

>> Had Walton, fueled with pure

hatred, not alerted the bus

driver to Rosa Parks' seat

placement, Parks might not have

protested that day.

The Montgomery Bus Boycott might

not have happened,

and Robert Walton would still

have his white seat utopia.

Plus, we'd never have had that

great Outcast song.

We salute you, Robert Walton,

another unwitting great white

hater in black history.

**

>> Big Money Millionaires.

You know we in the building.

>> We in the building, baby boy.

Yeah, Luger.

>> We got that type of money

y'all don't even know about.

>> Big Money Millionaires.

MC Fire Mob and Luger, baby.

>> Oh!

>> * We got money, bro

* We got, we got money, bro

>> * We got money

>> * We still got money 'cause

* We didn't waste our money

* We got money, bro

* We got, we got money, bro

>> * We got money

>> * We still got money 'cause

* We didn't waste our money

>> * Real Gs

* We take our money

* And we make it rain

* And when it hits the ground

* We pick it up we invest

* It all that's trickle down

* I call up my accountant

* Checks he helps

* To route then

* Keeps the IRS off my back

* And I can still

* Keep my stacks

>> * Big Money Millionaire

* MC Fire Mob

* I stay on "MarketWatch"

* Making sure I know

* When that market's hot

* Know when to buy

* Or trade stocks

* Forecast down then

>> * The stock gets dropped

>> * Own property

* Charge high rent

* Keep track of every

* Dime I spent

* Sold off my stocks

* Got no debt, I ain't

* MC Hammer, I'm 50 Cent

* Made smart investments, dog

* We got money, bro

* We got, we got money, bro

>> * We got money

>> * Bought some land

* Sold that land

* That's more money, bro

>> * We got land

>> * We got money, bro

* We got, we got money, bro

>> * We got money

>> * I check my statements

* Every month

* That's my money, bro

>> * We blew up back in '93

* Had just one hit

* That was fine with me

* 'Cause the money we made

* We kept put away for future

* Days that's plain to see

>> * No one remembers

* Who we are our one big hit

* Didn't get us far

* But we were just practical

* So what one-hit wonder's

* Got stacks of loot?

>> Stacks of it.

>> We got that money.

>> Big Money Millionaires.

MC Fire Mob and Luger, baby.

>> Y'all, got to give back to

my community and whatnot.

>> Get money and we keep it.

Under a vault.

And that vault got money in it.

Big money for millionaires.

Soon to be billionaires, though.

>> Shouts out to my accountant,

Josh Rabinowitz!

>> And to all the other

accountants who use calculators.

>> What's up?

This is Jermaine Fowler.

I'm gonna go and challenge

people in Rock-paper-scissors

and try and find some victims.

How'd that feel?

>> Not good.

>> All right.

Yeah!

Whoo!

>> Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

>> Oh!

(laughing)

Yes.

>> Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

>> Hmm!

That stung a little bit.

>> Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

>> Yeah.

>> Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

>> Ahh!

It hurts so much 'cause

I disrespected so many people

when I won.

>> No, it's okay.

>> My name is Ty Warner.

By 1999, I was worth

$700 million, which really

pissed me off because it was

only 300 million shy

of a billion.

How did I pull this off,

you ask?

I created that (bleep)

Beanie Baby.

(all cheering)

>> Whoo!

>> We convinced people those

bears were priceless collector's

items.

Then charged them up the ass.

We controlled supply,

we controlled demand.

We controlled everything.

>> Now I can send my kids

to college.

Hey, hey, hey!

>> Now, is any of this legal?

Sure, but it was still

(bleep) up.

>> Princess Diana is dead.

You can't use that to sell

a Beanie Baby.

>> Watch me.

**

>> You said this was

an investment.

>> They are gonna nail you

for tax evasion.

>> You're out of control!

>> Ahh!

>> We should've shaved

you first.

>> Ahh-uh.

Ahh-uh.

Ahh-uh.

Ahh!

>> These beans are

a little hard.

>> I think it's real beans.

**

>> Ah!

>> In 1921, Garrett Morgan

was hit by a car every day.

(horn honking)

That car was driven by two white

men, brothers Amos and Isaiah

Vinewood made it a point to run

over Garrett Morgan with their

car every single day.

This angered Garrett Morgan so

much, he went into his basement

and didn't come up until he had

invented the traffic light.

We salute the two racist men who

changed traffic forever.

Another unwitting great white

hater in black history.

>> Morgy!

Just the man I wanted to see.

(laughing)

Big news, Morgan, big news!

I just booked you a role on

"Sesame Street."

>> Oh, "Sesame Street"?

>> "Sesame Street."

>> Oh, my God, man, that's my

show, man, I grew up loving that

show.

>> It's gonna be huge for you,

huge.

So many celebrities have

done it, and you're next.

You're the next one to pop.

Only one small thing.

You gotta show your butt.

Anyway, I'm locking in the--

>> Whoa, whoa, what was that?

>> It's gonna be a great

opportunity for you.

>> No, no, no, you said I had to

show my butt.

>> Oh, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah.

Yeah, it's, it's, it's--

the role calls for you to show

your butt, blah-blah-blah.

It doesn't matter,

big role, big role.

>> They want me to show my butt

on "Sesame Street"?

My raw bare ass, right?

That's what you're saying?

>> Morgan, it's in the script.

You're an actor,

you read scripts.

You do what's in the script,

right?

>> That's not weird to you?

They want me to show my butt

on a children's TV show.

>> You can either show your butt

on "Sesame Street,"

or not be on "Sesame Street,"

it's pretty simple.

>> Morgy!

Looking spiffy, baby.

>> Shut up, Banks, all right?

I am sitting here with my butt

cut out of my pants!

My bare butt is sitting on this

very cold bench.

Oh, yeah, and you failed to

mention that I didn't have

any lines anymore.

Look, look, look, read this.

"The puppets start counting,

one, two."

Then it says,

"Morgan shows his butt."

And then the puppets keep

counting three, four.

And I show my butt again after

number six.

>> Right?!

>> What you mean, right?

>> All right, quiet on set.

Let's get ready to roll.

>> I gotta poo.

>> What?

(bell ringing)

>> And action!

>> Hey, everybody,

let's count to ten!

(all cheering)

>> One, two...

(all screaming)

>> Hey, it was in the script.

>> You see, kids?

That sad, pathetic man was paid

$75 to show his butt

on a children's TV show.

And he did it.

He's twisted, disgusting,

and has no...

>> Self-respect!

>> Respect yourself, kids.

It's all we've got in life.

"Sesame Street" will be right

back!

>> Ahh!

>> Rock-paper-scissors, shot.

>> All right,

Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

Oh! What is that?!

No, it's not the paper first.

>> Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

>> Ohh...

>> I started with paper, stupid.

>> Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

>> Oh, all right.

>> Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

Rock-paper-scissors, shoot.

>> Ohh!

>> Yes, yes, yes, yes!

**

>> The year, 1950.

It was a normal day for Don King

and his friends.

But that was about to change.

>> Oh, watch where you're going.

>> Look here, I wasn't going

nowhere, ma'am.

No!

>> Don't worry about it, Don.

You could get yourself

another comb.

>> Oh, I cannot afford a comb

right now.

Oh, but one day, one day I'll be

so rich, oh-ho, I can say

whatever I want to white people.

I mean, it won't make any sense

at all.

And I'm not gonna need that

comb, you can keep it, 'cause

I'm never combing my hair again.

Rich, nappy head and black.

Only in America.

>> Don King never combed his

hair again and became an icon

of terrible hairstyles,

giving the public the ability to

accept others such as

Cornel West,

Bob Dylan,

and Coolio.

And none of this would've been

possible without the incredible

hatred of P.W. Valentine,

another unwitting great white

hater in black history.

>> Hey, Mr. Conklin,

the surgeons are ready.

How are you feeling?

>> Well... I'm a little nervous,

but I trust you both.

>> Don't worry, a lobectomy has

a small risk for this stage in

your treatment.

We have full faith in

the procedure.

And did you say you had

the bronze or platinum level

of health care?

>> The bronze.

>> Okay, Mr. Conklin.

This is our bronze level

anesthesiologist--

Jesus Christ, look,

okay, Butterbean--

>> Butterbean.

>> All right, Dr. Butterbean.

We want you to knock out the

patients, but you have to wait

until they're ready.

>> I'm just doing my job.

I am a doctor.

>> We got some details

to iron out.

(bleep) damn, you knocked out

Mr. Conklin.

That was dope, dude.

>> Why don't you take it easy,

please.

Just wait for the signal,

Dr. Butterbean.

Hi, Randy, I'm Dr. Lombardi.

This is Dr. Lombardi.

And this is Dr. Butterbean--

>> Oh.

>> (bleep) damn it, Butterbean,

I told you to wait for the sign.

>> You said my name.

>> I know, but look.

>> Hey, I specialize in punching

people when they least

expect it.

>> (bleep) right, he really

painted that dude's wagon.

Dope, dude.

>> Can you take it easy, Doctor?

>> Okay.

>> Doctors, this is Mr. Braxton.

He's having hip replacement

surgery.

>> Hello, Mr. Butterbean.

>> How you doing?

>> I thought you were gonna

punch him in the face.

>> Doctor, I'm a professional

doctor.

I didn't go to med school for

four years just to become the

IBA super heavyweight champion

of the world.

>> Okay, well...

Mr. Braxton?

Dr. Butterbean's gonna punch you

in the face now.

>> Is that right, well, look

here, I'm a huge fan of your--

>> What's wrong with this guy?

>> Oh, uh, Dr. Butterbean, he's

been in a coma for a few weeks.

I think that he might--

>> Light 'em up.

Dr. Butterbean.

Light 'em up.

Dude!

(chanting) Butterbean!

Butterbean.

>> (grunting)

Man, alive, my head hurts.

>> That's the coma, son.

And a little bit of that sweet

science.

>> Huh?

>> Let's get some lunch, guys.

>> Great work, man.

(flat line tone)

>> H. Robert Brown,

H. Robert Brown!

How could you do that?

How could you leave me

in front of all of those people

like that?!

>> It was easy.

(chuckling)

>> Stop.

You don't mean that.

I love you.

I love you more than

the thousands of men

that I've slept with.

But you have to make a choice.

It is either me and this

or your helicopter.

>> Shh!

You can kiss your ass good-bye.

>> Why?

>> Because I choose

my helicopter.

>> Somewhere in the United

States lies a man by the name

of Hubert Robert Brown.

After learning how to fly every

helicopter on Earth, H. Robert

invented bread and used his

fortune to buy 500,000

helicopters.

He is H. Robert Brown,

professional helicopter pilot

and helicopter owner.

>> * Helicopter man

* Oh yeah, I said

* Helicopter man, hmm

* I said helicopter man

>> Well, well, well.

If it isn't helicopter pilot

and owner, H. Robert Brown.

I heard you got married

this morning.

How sweet.

(laughing)

>> Think again, okay?

I left her because I hate her,

and she is stupid to me.

>> Well, too bad she isn't here

to save you.

>> You're gonna kill me

to death?

>> That's right.

>> Get your hands off of me.

That's not right, Mr. Baxter.

I'ma kill you.

>> * Helicopter man

>> (grunting)

* Ooh, ooh, ooh

* New chopper

* Fighting crime

* It's H. Robert Brown's time

>> * What do we do, Mr. Baxter?

>> Say your prayers, boys.

He's gonna fire a missile at us

and kill us with it!

(men screaming)

>> * Oh, helicopter man

(alarm sounding)

>> H. Robert Brown

to air traffic control, um...

My helicopter, I believe,

is about to crash.

>> What type of bird

are you flying?

>> I don't know, man.

>> Well, get control.

Use your pedals and pull up on

the collective.

>> Well, you ain't my daddy.

Can't tell me what to do.

I'm jumping.

See you later, suckers.

>> * H. Robert Brown

* Is the man of dysfunction

* Yeah

* It don't matter

* Where you from

* You see, his function

>> Whoa.

Oh, my God, mister,

are you okay?

Should I call an ambulance?

>> I don't need no damn

ambulance.

Just call me

a helicopter.

>> * H. Robert Brown

>> * That's right

* H. Robert Brown

>> * Who is he?

>> * H. Robert Brown

>> * That's right

>> * H. Robert...

>> One, two, one-two-three.

>> * Black boots

* Mustache

* He's so suave, eh

(humming)

>> Sorry, can you, can you just

keep it down a little bit.

He's just trying to record the

track, if you wouldn't mind just

keeping it down.

Ooh...

>> * He likes to smoke cigars

>> Um, ma'am, sorry.

He said the reading is kind of

throwing him, throwing him off.

I'm sorry.

He just--- he's very specific,

you know artists.

>> Can I go this way?

>> Um... yeah, maybe,

maybe over there?

I'm so sorry.

>> * Helicopter man, yeah

* Helicopter man

>> Sir, whoa, hey, man, sorry,

can you, uh, just keep going?

If he make eye contact with

somebody, he can't sing,

you know?

>> * Helicopter man, yeah

>> Oh, if you could just...

>> * I said helicopter man

>> Keep going to the left there.

>> Here we go, Dean.

Today's the day I start working

on myself, yeah.

You need to figure out why

people don't like you, Dean.

I wanna be a good friend,

and I can be a good friend.

And that starts with being

a better person.

I need to be more open

and willing to learn and--

Hey!

Get the (bleep) away

from my bagel!

I think I need to listen more.

But it's not like

I'm not trying.

I need to let these people in

and really hear what they--

>> Good morning, Dean.

>> Hey!

Get the (bleep) away

from my bagel!

You fat prick!

You fat prick!

But it all starts with you,

Dean.

You are the only one in charge

of you, so if--

Hey! Sandbagger!

Get the (bleep) away

from my bagel!

And take your stinking ass mop!

Take the mop!

Love, love is what's missing.

It's a complex question with

a simple answer, and Dean,

you deserve to be loved.

Everyone deserves to be loved.

>> Get the (bleep)

out of my way, you dildo.

>> But that's my bagel.

>> Oh, oh, oh, what,

your bagel-shaped dick?

You got a bagel-shaped dick?!

Go!

No!

Go!

Another perfect morning, Maggie.

There is nothing wrong with you.

>> Hey, so, uh, Josh has been

dying to be a part of the rap

video with me and Kevin.

And I told him, you can do it

only if you spit a few bars or

some verses or whatever, but

he didn't know the cameras were

rolling.

>> * One-hit wonder

* We were just practical

* Stacks of loot

>> I'm scared to like...

(background chatter)

>> No.

>> I don't remember the words.

What is this?

This is-- everyone's looking.

(music playing)

(laughter)

Peer pressure, peer pressure.

>> * We got money

* We still got money

* 'Cause we didn't

* Waste that money, real G

* We got money, bro

* We got, we got money, bro

>> * We got money

>> * Bought some land

* Sold that land

* That's more money, bro

>> * We got money, bro

* We got, we got money, bro...

>> This is horrible.

Now I just feel used and cheap

and all.