Original subtitles

>> Come on, Stu, just buy her

a drink.

>> I can't.

>> You can't?

Okay, do you see that guy

at the end of the bar, hmm?

>> Yeah.

>> He's been eyeing her all

night, man.

Looks like to me,

you're running out of time.

>> I know, I just...

>> How do you expect to have sex

with a girl if you can't even

talk to one, man?

>> (sighing)

Your right, you're right.

I gotta try, you know, I mean...

what's the worst that could

happen?

>> Exactly, what's the worst

that could happen?

>> All right, I'm going.

>> Yeah, go.

>> Hi.

>> Hi.

>> Um...

can I buy you a drink?

>> Your fly's down.

>> And so it is.

(chuckling)

Whoopsie.

>> (screaming)

>> Oh, sorry...

>> You're gonna have to make

the call.

(woman groaning)

>> Ew.

>> You stand no chance,

Agent Dobson.

It is the time of my people

to take over your planet.

We are all among you.

(speaking alien language)

>> (groaning)

That went really bad.

>> I know, I feel like an idiot.

>> You should, a lot of people

passed away because of you.

>> I know, I feel like everyone

here is mad at me, but...

>> I've been hunting that queen

for 15 years, you mother(bleep).

I want you to know that you

approaching her and spilling

that drink caused the end of

humanity.

>> Yeah, that's my bad.

I-- That's--

that's totally my bad, I--

(laughing)

**

>> Sir, I want these beans

for me and my kids.

>> That'll be $4.

>> I don't--

All I have is two bucks.

>> Well, then you're gonna have

to put something back.

>> Come on, man, come on.

>> Hey!

I wanna get a wine cooler.

>> Get out of my store!

Get out, I told you not

to come in, get out!

(Bleep), get out of my store!

>> * Take it to the limit

* I'm in it to win it

* I'm in it to win it, yeah

* I'm in it to win it

* I swear to God, I ain't gon'

* Stop till I'm balling like

* Russell Simmons, balling...

>> The 1970s was a great decade

for soul.

But there's one band whose rise

and fall has largely been

forgotten.

This is the uncelebrated story

of The California Raisins.

It all started in 1978 in

Chattanooga, Tennessee, for

brothers Moe, Leon, Lorenz,

Mohammed and Willie worked.

>> Tennessee Roosters

get all the monies!

Now, Roosters, let's cluck off!

>> Yeah!

>> Let's get some eggs!

>> Come on, you can't leave!

I put your names on the posters!

Sweet (bleep)!

>> * I'm just mopping

* The floor with my brothers

* And we're mopping

* And sweeping and cleaning

* The pool table and chairs

* That's what I

>> Hey, hey, you.

You sing?

Oh, I'm desperate, kid.

You sing a tune,

I'll pay you good.

>> Oh, I don't know...

>> Hey, hey, hey, no-no-no.

You gotta do it, Leon.

You can't let Mama know you

passed up some money.

Come on, we need it.

>> Come on, Leon.

>> Come on, Leon.

>> You got to.

>> Oh, all right.

Um, uh, hello.

(feedback)

Uh, well, um...

We're The Raisin Brothers.

Okay, um, hit it!

**

* I knew a thick girl

* Her name was Pearl

* Told her when I'm famous

* I would give her the world

* Pearl

>> That's a smoking sound, boys.

Now, my cousin owns a record

label in California.

I'm booking you a flight.

>> But, thank you,

but I don't know.

I gotta ask my mama.

>> Boys, I been waiting in that

car all day for y'all!

>> Mama, uh, this nice man,

Frankie, he wants to fly us to

big, sunny Los Angeles to meet

with a record label.

>> Oh, oh, I'm so ha--

(gasping)

(thudding)

>> (screaming) No, Mom!

Mama, Mama, no!

Mama, wake up.

She's dead.

(crying)

>> So, look, you boys are gonna

need a manager.

**

>> Raisins?

I don't need no raisins stinking

up my record label, get out.

>> Quick, sing something fancy,

boys!

>> * I knew a thick girl

* Her name was Pearl

* Told her when I'm famous

* I'd give her the world

>> * Girl

>> * Pearl

>> Wow.

You guys got the sound.

>> Oh, joy.

Martha, bring in my contract

signing pen.

>> (laughing)

>> But the first thing we gotta

do, we gotta change your name.

>> Yeah.

>> From now on, you're The

California Raisins.

>> But we weren't born

in California.

We were born in Tennessee.

And Mama said--

>> Man, (bleep) your mama!

You're The California Raisins.

>> Well, okay, I guess we're

The California Raisins.

Yay! Thank you, Frankie.

>> The Raisins shot to the top

of the charts.

But fame would have a cost.

(knocking on door)

>> No more drugs, please.

Ohh...

>> Wake up, Leon.

We gotta do press for our Disney

California Raisins movie.

>> Leon don't care about some

Disney-ass press.

Now, look, people gon' see the

movie 'cause Leon's in the movie

and Leon's the star!

Right, girls?

>> Leon, man, we're all a team.

>> Yeah, man, we're brothers.

>> We're Raisins.

>> Man, shut the (bleep), Moe.

>> I'm Lorenz.

>> Shut the (bleep), Lorenz.

You only singing with us 'cause

you are strong and you can hold

the equipment.

Let me tell you something.

I don't give a damn about this

family.

I go solo,

I do this (bleep) alone.

>> What would Mama say?

>> (Bleep) Mama.

>> The band broke up.

The brothers cut off all contact

with Leon, who set out on a

failed solo career.

>> Hey, we got a stranger

in the house.

>> Evening, brothers.

Look, I know you hate me,

and you should.

What I did was very

disrespectful and very mean.

You know, Mama wouldn't want us

to hate each other.

>> Please, dude, I remember you

distinctly saying,

"(Bleep) Mama."

>> I deserve that, I do.

Which is why I dug up Mama's

corpse.

>> Jesus, man.

>> To apologize in person.

I'm sorry, Mama.

I'm not gonna lie,

I'm high as a kite right now.

>> Anybody that's willing to dig

up Mama's dead 20-year corpse

to get forgiveness from

his brothers...

deserve to be forgiven.

>> Uh-oh.

>> We forgive you, bro.

>> Oh, boy.

>> You know what?

Let's back on stage.

The California Raisins are back,

Jack.

>> Jubilation, jubilation.

(laughing)

Mama!

(chanting "Mama")

>> On the way to celebrate,

The California Raisins were hit

by a plane crash.

That's it for "Uncelebrated."

I'm Gillis Merrit.

Good night.

>> * Your sweet soul

>> But Mama said we're raisins.

What do you wanna do?

>> (snoring)

>> Good, good, all right now,

I need more...

>> (snoring)

>> ...conviction, all right, so,

for we gotta change your name

to The California Raisins.

(laughing)

All right, Rel,

what's your line?

>> (snoring continues)

All right, Rel, now your next

line is, "But your mama was

birthed in Tennessee."

I'ma feed it to you.

But we changed our names

to The California Raisins.

Did you do the line?

Did you do it?

>> What?

>> The line, the line was,

"But our mama was birthed

in Tennessee."

>> So hot in this thing.

(all laughing)

>> Ah!

Oh, my hand, you cut my hand

off, dude.

Why'd you cut my hand off?

>> Keith Skywalker,

I am your brother.

>> I know your my brother.

We've been brothers for a while.

>> I know.

>> Are these things real?

>> Yeah, I just cut your hand

off, see?

>> Oh, yeah, that's true.

>> This has been...

>> Obama's the man, you know?

I mean, what other president

would come and visit someone's

home?

>> Look, honestly, I hope he has

a great time and I hope he loves

my grandmother's cake.

>> He will, he will.

(knocking on door)

>> Go, go, go.

>> Oh, my God.

(chuckling)

>> Uh, you must be Carl.

Thank you so much for inviting

me to your home.

You know, visiting supporters of

my administration...

well, it makes it all worth it.

>> Of course, Mr. President.

I am so glad you're here.

Can I show you around?

>> Well, let's do it.

>> First and most important,

we have all kinds of... food.

>> Oh, yeah, uh, yeah, I could

eat all this, Carl.

>> Look, why don't you save

something for everybody.

What the hell?!

>> Pardon me, pal.

>> Gosh, he has so much

charisma, you know?

>> Damn, charisma, this dude

just ate all our dip.

>> Wait, what?

>> Yes, President Obama shoved

this whole bowl of dip in his

big, fat mouth?

>> Hey, hey...

He's the President of the

United States.

Calm down.

>> Look right there,

my pigs in a blanket.

>> So what?

I mean, he killed bin Laden.

>> Obama wasn't even there,

okay?

>> Carl?

You got chips and no dip?

This party sucks, man!

>> Look, Rod, okay, calm down.

I'm sorry, okay?

Obama's making me look like

an idiot!

>> Hey, he is our first black

president, and you are-- you're

acting like a monster right now.

>> Come on, Laura, don't--

>> A monster!

>> I'm sorry, baby, that ain't

what--

>> Couldn't help but notice you

give me that stink eye from

across the room, Carl.

>> Yeah, that's right.

'Cause I caught you eating all

our damn food!

>> What's your point, Carl?

Huh?

What in the (bleep) are you

gonna do about it?

>> I'ma-- I'ma tell everybody

what you been doing.

>> (chuckling)

I'm second-term Obama, Carl.

Voting's over.

I can do whatever I want in this

wood paneled (bleep) box

you call a home.

See this fork?

It's my fork now, Carl, okay?

Even if you wanted it,

it's (bleep) ruined, Carl.

It's got my dick sweat

all over it.

Playing basketball all day,

Carl, okay?

You want this fork still,

Carl, huh?

Answer me, Carl?!

I'm second-term Obama, Carl.

I'm untouchable.

>> You a monster.

>> (chuckling)

No, I'm worse, Carl.

I'm the (bleep) president.

>> You know something?

How about you president this!

>> (Bleep) up now, Carl.

>> Look, everybody, look,

I got some startling news,

y'all!

Oh!

>> Why didn't you punch

both of us?

>> Carl, you ruined the party!

>> No, I didn't, it was him!

He's the one! He's the one!

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

That's my cake!

That's my cake!

>> Oh, my God.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

>> Huh?

>> Boy, do not play with me.

I know I know you from

somewhere, you look familiar.

>> I don't think

that we've met--

>> Okay, maybe we didn't meet,

but you're like a celebrity or

something, right?

And you look even cuter in

person, (bleep) damn!

Mmm.

>> Yo, thanks, but...

I think you got the wrong--

>> Shh!

You ain't gotta be humble

with me.

Actually, listen.

I get off work in a little bit,

so why don't you hit me up

because I will be at home

all day long.

Bye.

>> All right!

>> * Push it to the limit

* I'm in it to win it

* I'm in it to win it, yeah

* I'm in it to win it

* I sweat to God, I ain't gon'

* Stop till I'm balling

* Like Russell Simmons

* Balling like Russell Simmons

* I'm balling

>> * I'd give her the world

>> * Pearl

>> * Pearl

>> Take it away, Kevin.

>> Take it away, Kevin.

(laughing)

>> * I don't know that much

* About Pearl

* All I know is she

* Would get the world

(laughing)

* Pearl

**

>> Good afternoon, everyone.

Glad you could make it.

This fiscal year, I'm not bull

(bleep), all right?

Our next film has to be a hit.

What do you got?

>> What about a black remake

of a white movie?

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can do

a black version of "Gone Girl."

We could call it

"You Better Go On, Girl."

(laughing)

>> Get the (bleep) out of here,

Dave.

>> You got it, boss.

>> That is the type of

unoriginality that's going to

kill us, all right?

I don't wanna make a black

remake of a white film,

all right?

We've already seen Jaden Smith

in "Karate Kid."

We've seen Queen Latifah

in "Steel Magnolias", and we've

seen "Annie" with black Annie.

I don't wanna make a black

remake of a white film.

I want something original,

something that hasn't been done,

something fresh, something new!

What do you got?

>> What about a blacker remake.

It-- it's a version that's even

more blacker than the original?

>> I like that.

I like that a lot.

Have something to show me in

a year, I'm going on vacation.

Here I come, Poconos!

**

Good afternoon, everyone.

Glad you could make it.

Hey, oh, Dave, get the

(bleep) out.

What do we got, guys?

>> I suggest

we do an even blacker version

of "Dream Girls."

>> Okay, and what makes

it blacker?

>> Her singing.

>> * With me...

>> Not black enough!

Guys, we need blacker than that.

>> Okay, uh, we-- we have a

version of...

"Boyz N the Hood."

>> Okay, and where is the extra

black in that?

>> More Boyz.

>> Who's next?

>> Well, did you see all the Zs?

>> So, I was thinking a blacker

version of "Do the Right Thing."

You know what I mean, like,

super black.

Like, even the white dudes in

the movie are played by black

dudes.

>> That sounds very black.

>> Check this out.

>> Hey, Sal!

How come you ain't got

no brothers up on the wall?

>> If you want pictures of black

people on the wall, you can get

your own place, and then you can

put pictures of your brother,

your mother, your cousin,

the cast of "Cool Runnings."

I don't care!

Oh! I'm Italian.

And my boys are Italian.

>> Yeah!

>> Pizza, pasta.

>> That's what goes on the wall.

>> Now that's very black.

>> Oh, man, they're gonna

shut off my cable.

Damn, damn!

Oh, no, fam, he here.

>> There he go, there he go!

(Bleep)!

(gunshots)

>> * Push it to the limit

* I'm in it to win it

* I'm in it to win it, yeah

* I'm in it

**

>> All right, little buddy.

I know you get nervous.

And we're two outs in the last

inning and we're down one.

I get it.

I know you haven't gotten a hit

all season.

But I think this'll be

your first.

If we don't win this game,

it's okay.

We'll all still love you as a

team, pal.

>> Thanks, Coach.

>> All right.

Go get 'em, buddy.

You got this, Luke.

Come on, Luke, you got this,

buddy!

>> Strike!

>> It's okay, Luke,

it's a great try, buddy.

>> Come on, one more chance!

We can win, come on...

>> That's fine, Luke, remember,

nothing to lose.

We love you, buddy.

**

>> Jeff Ross is very kind

enough to be on the show and

now we're gonna, uh, we're gonna

do a speed roast.

He's gonna speed roast us.

>> You look like Tom Cruise's

"Tropic Thunder" character

took a (bleep).

(all laughing)

Here, this is great.

Hang yourself with this.

(laughing)

Rel in this costume is sweating

like Rel on a regular day.

(laughing)

We got The California Raisins

and a plum on the end.

(laughing)

Lucas Brothers, you're like

the Sklar Brothers if they

were better looking and less

funny.

(laughing)

Jermaine, you're like a black

Frankenstein.

(laughing)

You're like Blackenstein.

It must be tough being the token

white chick on a show that

only white chicks watch.

(laughing)

Kevin, poor Kevin,

too short to play basketball,

too tall to do comedy.

(laughing)

Thank you

"Friends of the People."

Congratulations on your new

season.

>> Thank you,

broke Bruce Willis.

(laughing)

>> Me and Josh are doing an

"American Hustle" remake.

(all laughing)

It's called the

"Israeli Hustle."