Original subtitles

>> All righty, all right, okay,

let's get this last shot in

before we break for lunch, okay.

Uh, Lorenzo, Piper, that sounds

good?

>> You know it.

>> Okay, let's do this,

all right, here we go,

cameras rolling and action!

>> Wow, my skin feels dry.

>> Hm, well, you know,

when I'm feeling a bit dry,

I like to use Paul Poontz

Body Butter.

>> Now that's the move.

>> All right, that's a cut.

Piper, that was a great take.

>> Thank you.

>> Good job.

>> Thanks.

>> But, you know, you looked

a little bothered a little bit.

Is everything okay?

>> Oh, yeah, no, I'm fine.

Uh... just the way Lorenzo said

body butter, it just kind

of threw me off.

>> Okay, we'll, we'll, we'll

get that, okay, thanks.

>> Thank you.

>> All right, uh, we're gonna

just do it one more time and if

you can just, just not hit

body butter so hard, okay?

>> Well, that's the move.

>> All right, okay.

Cameras rolling and action!

>> Wow, I feel so dry.

>> Well, you know, when I feel a

bit dry, I like to use

Paul Poontz Body Butter.

>> Cut!

(bell ringing)

>> Is that better?

>> Well, okay, it was good.

It was, uh, very, very good.

>> Thanks.

>> Okay, all I'm saying is if

you could do this for us just

not, for real, don't hit on the

body butter so much, you know.

>> Okay.

>> If you can just, you know,

just take a few of those vowels

out of there, and we'll just

pick it up for your line there.

>> Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

>> No big deal, okay?

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

>> Everyone ready?

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> Okay, here we go.

All right, and, uh, action.

>> When I feel a bit dry,

I like to use Paul Poontz

Body Butter.

>> Good God, why?!

Why is he saying it like that?!

>> Cut, cut, cut!

>> Body butter.

>> Cut!

>> Body butter.

>> Cut!

>> Body butter.

Body butter.

Body butter.

>> Cut!

This is what we'll do.

All right, we're gonna do

something different so you won't

have to talk this time.

You ready?

>> Yeah.

>> We'll just have you apply the

body butter on your leg and

that's it.

>> Now, that's the move.

>> That's the move, okay?

That's all we have to do,

you ready?

Okay, get that leg up there,

all right?

>> Okay, cool.

>> Last looks on the leg,

we good?

Here we go, action!

>> * Bah-dah-dum

* Bah-dah-dum

* Bah-dah-dum

* Bah-dah-dum-dum

>> Whoa, I'm gonna barf again,

man, make him stop.

>> Hey, hey, hey, look, stop.

Cut, look, um...

I have a great idea.

>> * Bah-dah-dum

>> Well, you know, when my skin

is feeling a bit dry,

I like to use Paul Poontz

Body Butter.

>> Mm, now that's the move.

**

>> Look, I don't think this

is working out.

>> But we just got engaged.

>> I don't give a damn about

this engagement.

Marry somebody else, okay?

Now check this out.

I gotta pee.

You get the check.

I have to use the bathroom

because I left my wallet

on purpose!

>> Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I've heard enough.

Why don't you just tag me in?

>> Thanks, Jake the Snake.

>> Oh!

>> DDT!

>> It's gonna be the best

camping vacation of all time.

The old high school crew

is back!

>> Yeah...

>> Yeah, man, we doing it.

We're back.

(loud bang)

(tires screeching)

>> What was that?

>> I don't know.

>> Is it dead?

>> Yeah, it's dead, man.

Sorry, bro.

>> Okay, all right, um...

Let's get the squirrel

in the trunk and get our

stories straight.

>> Stories straight?

For who?

>> For who?

The police, our families,

everyone we see for the rest

of our lives, we're murderers.

We need to bury that squirrel

and fast.

Did anyone bring a shovel?

>> Well, I'm pretty sure it's

legal to kill a squirrel, dude.

>> Absolutely.

>> That's right.

>> Yeah, if it's self-defense.

We need to make it look like

that squirrel attacked us.

>> No, no!

>> Whoa, geez,

what are you doing!?

>> It's legal all the time

to kill squirrels.

>> You can literally shoot

a squirrel with a gun and then

eat its tiny muscle.

>> No, I see what's

happening here.

I'm the driver so I'm the

killer, and as soon as we get on

the witness stand, the three

of you will dime me out.

>> This is insane.

I'll just Google it.

>> You're not calling the cops!

>> Aah!

>> Oh (bleep)!

>> Oh, why'd you stab me, dude?

Are you crazy?!

Billy, I wasn't gonna call

the cops, but now I am.

>> Aah!

>> Oh, Jesus.

>> Oh!

(gunshot)

(door alarm pinging)

>> Hey, Paul.

Now, uh... we've done

a lot of bad stuff here.

I think we can be okay

if you follow my lead.

Now... can I trust you, Paul?

>> Sure, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you can trust me.

You can trust me.

>> Okay, good, good.

Well, I'm gonna go get

these two idiots.

You get the squirrel

and put it in the trunk.

>> Okay.

>> Okay.

Thank you, Paul.

Make sure to get all the

squirrel pieces, Paul.

Leave no trace!

We can bury them in the park

around the corner, all right?

Let's ride.

(thud)

(bleep) dammit,

go get him, Paul!

(squeal)

Mother(bleep)!

All right,

hand me the squirrels.

And the ones in your pockets.

You know, Paul, I...

I know that I've said that we've

done bad things, but,

really, I've done bad things.

You're innocent and deserve a

happy life.

>> Phil, wait, wait--

(gunshot)

> 9-1-1,>

hat's your emergency?w

>> I feel like you'd need

to see it.

>> * Bah-dah-dum

* Bah-dah-dum

* Bah-dah-dum...

>> Excuse me, can you, can you

hold my legs up, I don't--

>> * Bah-dah-dum...

>> Thanks, man.

A little higher, above the calf.

>> (laughing)

>> Next leg.

**

>> So, uh, I'm gonna get some

special effects makeup put on my

face so it looks like I got

attacked by like a wild animal.

And then, I'm gonna go around

and ask people for Band-Aids.

And we're done,

so, let's get started.

Uh, do you have a Band-Aid

by any chance?

>> What happened to you?

>> I was at a, I was at a

sporting event and they shot

that t-shirt canon gun.

Do you have a Band-Aid,

I fell out of my bunk bed.

It's the lower bunk but

it still felt like it--

like I hit something.

I tried to eat a waffle

clean out of the waffle iron

with my face.

This little kid hit me with

a baseball bat

that had nails on it.

Do you have a Band-Aid?

I got hit with a cannonball.

It was a Civil War reenactment

but next thing I know,

I'm on the ground.

>> So I didn't know if

it's fake or what.

>> That's the thing, yeah.

>> Good afternoon.

I'm Mr. Hufton.

I'll be your swimming teacher.

Any queries?

Godspeed, little boy.

Any other queries?

Good.

Now, there are two rules

when it come to swimming.

Rule number one: do not die.

Water does not care who you are

or what you had planned

for the rest of the day.

Now, I don't trust water.

Never have, never will.

Earth is 80% water

which means we're surrounded!

Any queries?

What?

>> So, for the people

that aren't afraid of water,

any tips on how to do

a backstroke?

>> Yeah, personally, I'd love

to learn how to... tread better.

>> Hm, backstroke.

Tread better.

Hm, let me see.

>> (coughing and choking)

>> How does that feel?

Feels like drowning, don't it?

>> (coughing)

>> Yeah.

Like 65 karate chops

to the throat.

I must confess!

This is not a swimming class.

This is self-defense...

against water.

Now, first technique: playing

dead in front of the water.

Demonstration.

Are you ready

for the next lesson?

Yes, you are, here it is.

Subdue the water by attacking

its privates.

Grab the water, kick the water.

Kick the water, kick the water

in the water penis.

>> That's not swimming.

>> Rule number two.

Before you get into the water

recite this spell

from a spell book.

This spell book repel the water

for about 20, 30 minutes.

Except Lake Michigan.

That water too strong.

>> What the (bleep) are you

talking about?

I mean, I know I came here

to have a good time

and learn how to swim.

>> Yeah.

>> What is this, an uprising?

A rebellion, a coupe?

Vietnam, four tours, fight me.

>> I think you're just a coward.

>> Blasphemy!

But I will get into the water,

not because you told me to,

but because my shoes

are thirsty!

Something's not right.

(kids screaming)

Oh!

(boy screaming)

Run, kids!

Open the doors!

I told you! I told--

**

>> You know, George,

if you stay under my psychiatric

care just a little while longer,

I think that we can crack this.

>> No, I don't think so.

You know why?

Because I think you suck, Doc!

You suck, you suck at being a

doctor, you have a dumb face.

You have a dumb sounding voice.

I still have all my problems.

You still smell weird.

I want a second opinion.

>> You want a second opinion?

>> Yes.

>> Fine!

>> Tag me in, Doc.

Sock therapy.

>> Mick Foley?

>> Legal, man.

>> Ohh!

>> Oh, thank you, Mick Foley.

>> Have a nice day.

>> Oh, have any of you ladies

read this book,

"Fifty Shades of Grey"?

>> No, Blanche,

but I did see the movie.

>> Oh, what's the movie called?

>> "Lawrence of Arabia," Rose.

>> Well, I plan on writing

a bestseller based

on my own sexual conquests.

>> Hm, there aren't enough pages

in the world.

>> Laugh all you want.

My writing takes a back seat

to no one.

>> And if anyone knows

back seats, it's you.

>> What you old bitches here

talking about?

>> * Let's go with the flow

* Relax and watch what happens

* Mmm

* Let's do it

* Let's go with the flow

>> Come on, fam, which one

of y'all ate my cheesecake?

>> Ma, did you eat

his cheesecake?

>> What? I can't hear you.

I'm old.

>> Y'all bogus for eating

my (bleep) cheesecake!

>> Well, just throw

the rest away.

>> What?

>> Yeah, we didn't pay for it.

>> You like wasting food

and wasting my mother(bleep)

money.

Well, guess what,

you about to pay.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Look at this beautiful

rice pudding.

Guess what you ain't gon'

have today.

It's the pudding, look at that.

>> Oh!

>> Dumped, huh?

Oh, it's grapefruit time, baby.

>> (gasping)

(all laughing)

>> * Let's do it

* Let's go with the flow

>> Do you have a Band-Aid?

My head got run over by a car.

I got swatted by a puma.

I got attacked by a monster.

I went into a forest

'cause I heard a flute.

It was a trick probably by the

monster, and he comes out of

this tree, and he just goes

"Grrr."

And I was like,

"Oh, no, (bleep)!"

All right, well, if you hear

a flute in the forest, don't go.

(woman laughs)

**

>> Water's trying to kill you,

and you just walkin' in it!

Water has no heart.

And no brain.

Or legs.

I am always urinating 'cause

my body is trying to get rid

of the water.

Please save me, please.

Thank you so much.

Who you talking to, the police?

Is it about the water?

(bleep) I knew it was.

> Game seven,>

ed Rebels down one.R

>> All right, Red Rebels,

here we go, Red Rebels,

here we go, baby, all right,

Mike, you got this, baby,

come on, Mike, come on.

Come on, Mike!

>> Mike Jones on the baseline.

ones drives for the win!J

e rims out.H

>> Ohh...

>> Unbelievable, he missed it!

he Skybirds win theT

hampionship.c

he Skybirds win!T

h, Top Shelf must be kickingO

imself.h

he streak continues.T

0 year without a Red Rebels3

hampionship.c

**

>> (sobbing loudly)

**

**

> It is an honor>

nd a dreama

o be inductedt

nto the Hall of Fame.i

have to thank my fans.I

ithout them, none of this isW

ossible.p

(applause)

**

>> This is Houston.

The mission is now live.

(loud crunching)

Ground control to shuttle one.

All systems are a go.

Proceed to phase two.

> Engines beginning throttling>

own now.d

Full throttle down to, uh, 65%

hortly.s

>> Ground control

to shuttle one.

Proceed.

Dustin, will you stop chewing

those chips already?

You got work to do.

>> Get off my butt.

>> Hey, Richie!

Tag me in, bro.

Dustin, get up!

He said quit eating

the damn chips.

Suck it!

>> Thanks, X-Pac.

>> No problem, Richie.

Now, let's land this damn

spaceship.

**

(dramatic music playing)

>> Crime, it's like a bad shoe.

It hurts to wear it,

but without it,

you never know how good

a good shoe really is.

Name's Lucas, Kenny Lucas.

I'm a private investigator.

>> And I'm Keith Lucas.

We're the best in the business.

No crime too dirty

or street too seedy.

Plus, we can hear each

other narrate.

>> Kenny talking now.

I'm not sure why.

A product of the genre,

I suppose.

>> Keith talking now.

Sure.

Louisa put a sour taste in my

mouth the moment she walked in.

Why wouldn't you knock?

>> It was open.

What, not a fan of making money,

boys?

>> Man, that's rude.

>> Terrible first impression.

>> My husband was kidnapped by

Fat Mike down by the docks.

I was told you two

would know where to look.

>> We can find him,

but it's gonna cost you.

>> (scoffs) Money is no object.

>> Classic bad guy answer.

Note this.

This is Kenny, note it.

The docks-- by day, it's crowded

and it smells like fish.

And by night, it's dangerous...

and it smells like fish.

>> Kenny said that.

>> Well, well, well...

(chuckling)

If it isn't my two favorite

gumshoes.

(chuckling)

A little birdie told me

you might be snooping around

the docks.

>> Enough with the cheap talk,

Fat Mike.

Where's Louisa's husband?

>> (laughing) Oh, geez,

you two stiffs really think you

know me, huh?

Well, I failed to mention,

I'm Louisa's husband.

>> The dame set us up.

>> See, I called it.

>> Suck lead, you twin bastards!

(gunshot)

>> All right, just have to

remember not to shoot Fat Mike.

He's the guy I'm gonna

double-cross Keith with.

>> What's that?

>> Oh, uh, uh, nothing.

>> You said you're gonna

double-cross me.

>> Yeah, I said it, but, but

now that you, you heard of it,

I won't do it.

>> I'm not convinced, dude.

>> I promise you, I won't.

>> Okay.

>> It's curtain call for you,

Keith.

Kenny works for Fat Mike now.

(laughing)

So you and your little--

Aah!

Ah-ah-ah!

Aah!

You're shooting Fat Mike!

Ah, ah!

(empty guns clicking)

(thudding to ground)

>> More like fat dead Mike.

(both laughing)

>> One, two, a-one, two, three,

hit it.

That's some really sweet tracks.

If you guys could just keep it

down, I'd appreciate it.

>> * At your door...

>> You can go through.

You just have to be very,

very quiet, it shows up

on the recording.

>> * Moving in...

>> Guys, this is going right

onto vinyl so, um...

With vinyl, we have to be

extremely quiet.

If you wouldn't mind just

going very, very soft.

You can go through,

you just have to be very quiet.

This groove like this comes once

a blue moon, you know?

(chuckling) Take care.

>> * Just got a new groove...

>> Hey, how you doing?

You can go through.

We're just recording this.

He's laying down a track for

vinyl.

You just have to be very, very

quiet, it shows up on the

recording, we really don't need

footsteps.

Don't look at him.

Uh, yeah, if you go very,

very fast.

Very, uh, a little faster,

faster, faster.

Yeah, okay.

How do you all know each other?