Original subtitles

**

>> Is the the line for the

bathroom?

>> Yeah, someone's in there.

(thinking) Or at least I think

someone's in there?

I mean, I tried the handle and

it didn't move, so someone's in

there, right?

Oh, I hope it's not just

a sticky door.

What if it's just a sticky door

and no one's in there!

This is so much pressure.

Shouldn't be long.

>> Okay, cool.

>> Damn, you're waiting for the

bathroom, too?

>> Yeah, someone's in there.

(thinking) That's right, be

assertive.

You can handle this.

This is your line.

I'm gonna die if it's just

a sticky door.

Oh, sorry, there's a line.

>> Oh, sorry.

I didn't see, sorry.

>> Sure, she didn't.

>> Nice.

>> (thinking) That's right,

you've earned their respect.

You are in charge of this line.

You, Carl, are their leader.

>> Whoa... long line, man.

>> Yup.

>> Yeah, someone's probably

taking a deuce.

(thinking) Great joke, so funny.

I am so charismatic.

Everyone loves me.

(chuckling)

Time to turn it up a notch.

Hello?

People are waiting.

(thinking) Power move!

You have this whole situation

under control.

You aren't the head of the line

by accident... it's destiny!

>> This line is taking forever.

>> Yeah, I know, are you sure

somebody's in the bathroom, man?

>> Yeah, what if the door is

just sticky or something?

>> Yeah, just push the door in.

>> No, no, I'm not lying.

I gave it, I gave it...

>> Do something.

>> (thinking) They've lost faith

in you, Carl.

You are a pathetic loser.

What made you think you could

handle this responsibility?

You are a back-of-the-line

follower, not a

front-of-the-line leader.

You should just get out of line

and piss your pants.

I was right.

>> Sorry.

>> (Carl thinking) There was

someone in the bathroom.

Now I will set a new precedent

for how quickly to use the

bathroom.

(toilet flushing)

Because you are king, Carl.

You are the king and it's time

for everyone to meet King Carl.

It's been an honor.

But now I shall pass on my

throne.

I made this out of toilet paper.

Paper towel, too-- oh, oh, wow.

**

(theme music playing)

>> "Come on, Dad" is filmed in

front of a live studio audience.

>> What do you think we're gonna

find in the time capsule, Mom?

>> I don't know, Ernie,

and that's part of the fun.

It's a glimpse into the past.

>> I mean, come to think of it,

I don't even know what's in

there, I mean, we buried it when

you was just a baby, Ernie.

>> Now he's a full-grown dweeb.

>> That's enough, Sam.

>> All right, everybody,

here we go, let's see

what's in this box.

>> Oh, sweet, Dad, nice!

>> All right, here we go.

Okay, let's see what the Duggett

family was doing seven years go!

>> Jesus Christ, Lewis.

You're a moron.

That's where you buried the dog.

>> You put Stinky in the time

capsule, Dad?

>> (retching)

>> Oh, God, Lewis,

you see what you did?

>> Oh, for (bleep) sake, Doreen.

Okay, you act like I did it

on purpose.

I dug up the wrong spot,

(bleep) damn it!

>> You said Stinky got a job

and had to move to Sacramento.

>> Yeah, well, you know,

it wasn't Sacramento.

>> We lied, Ernie, we lied!

>> Lewis!

>> The kid's nine, Doreen!

You think he's gonna believe

that a dog got a (bleep) job!

He's dead, Ernie!

>> (retching)

(theme music playing)

**

(chatter)

>> Can't believe I'm here

for this.

>> All right, guys, quiet,

quiet, come on, please, guys.

Listen to me, look, for some odd

reason, people are complaining

about us cracking the skulls of

innocent New Yorkers and getting

away with it.

>> That's so stupid, you know?

We gotta sit around waiting for

people to commit crimes?

Don't they realize how that's

gonna limit our opportunity

to beat people's asses?

Why do we gotta suffer?

>> Because New Yorker's

are stupid, okay?

Yo, even, when they have

a video of us committing

blatant violence,

we still get away with it.

But they won't shut up about it

so Reverend Sharp is here

to help us...

(all booing)

...end police brutality.

(booing continues)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

>> Boo!

>> (blowing raspberry) You suck!

>> Hey, guys, knock it off,

all right?

I demand you treat

Reverend Sharp with respect

while he's here, okay?

When you catch him on

the street, you can do what

you want to him.

Reverend Sharp,

you have the floor.

>> I can't wait.

>> All right, then, look here.

I've-- I've come up with a new

system to police... the police.

So what we're gonna do is,

we're gonna hire referees

to referee... the police.

>> Ahh, ahh!

(whistle blows)

>> Personal foul,

unnecessary roughness!

>> Ahh!

>> All right, so Reverend

Sharp's referee idea did not

work, uh, there have been

reports of police beating people

with the bodies of the referees.

>> Yeah-ha-ha!

Chaos reigns!

(laughing)

The streets run red with blood!

Whoo!

>> Look here,

I have another idea.

>> Hey! No gun throwing!

>> Uh, I'm sorry.

>> Forgiven.

>> (clearing throat)

The problem is, the police are

not scared of the referees.

So what I propose is that we

assign a professional wrestler

and a professional football

player to every precinct.

So let me introduce defensive

tackle for the New York Giants,

Mr. Jay Bromley and the first

Royal Rumble winner,

Mr. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.

>> Holy (bleep).

>> 'Cause I'm a cop,

you understand me?!

Which means I can do whatever

I want and I'll break your...

All right, so no more

jaywalking, you understand me?

Have a good day.

>> Officer, did you just

pee yourself?

>> Yeah.

>> Who cares of you're innocent?

>> Hey, hey, I'll shove that

nightstick up your ass!

>> I know, I know.

>> Well, beat it, tough guy!

Ho!

>> Good news, crime is down and

complaints of police brutality

are non-existent.

We did it.

(laughing)

>> All right, I'll take it

off the board.

(sighing)

All right, you wanna get lunch?

Wanna get lunch?

Lunch, lunch, okay.

>> Sorry, there's a line.

>> There's a line.

>> For the subway.

>> Yeah, I don't know, there

just, there-- there's a line.

There's a line, sir.

>> A line, for what?

>> The subway.

>> For the subway.

>> For the subway?

>> Yeah, it was overfilled.

>> (Bleep) up.

>> We're all trying to get

on the subway.

>> It's backed up down there,

so...

>> The MTA or something.

>> What is the hold-up?!

(man laughing)

**

>> What else y'all gonna do?

Go, Josh, go!

>> I don't want to.

>> Oh...

>> I don't really want to.

Why?

What?

Say what?

I don't want to!

>> (Rel laughing)

>> (Josh screaming)

What are you doing?!

What are you doing?!

What are you doing?!

>> (Rel laughing continues)

>> What the (bleep)!

>> Oh, (bleep)!

>> (screaming) Oh, (bleep)!

>> (Rel laughing)

(all laughing)

**

(wind whistling)

>> Is that a real raccoon?

(raccoon chittering)

>> Yeah.

>> How's he gonna remember

his lines?

>> Can't imagine it will.

(chittering)

Shoot's gonna take forever.

>> Hey, why are you green?

>> Yeah, you sick?

>> This has been...

**

(studio audience applause)

>> So let's give thanks this

Thanksgiving to little Ernie and

Sam and this lovely meal, amen.

>> Aren't you gonna say thanks

for Dad, Mom?

>> I'm not feeling too thankful

for your dad right now.

Not now that he's stuck in the

doggie door!

>> Hey, look, I'm not too

thankful, either.

>> What man is so lazy that he

would try to slide through the

doggie door rather than use his

house keys?

>> You knew I was a lazy man

when you married me, Doreen!

>> All the neighbors can see

your ass!

>> Look here, Doreen,

shut your trap, drunk ass!

Damn!

>> I don't even know why we

still have the doggie door.

I mean, it's not like Stinky

needs it.

>> (Ernie sobbing)

>> Sorry, sorry.

>> Well, look who's ruining

Thanksgiving now.

Bring that turkey, Sam.

>> Samantha Jane, no, you do

not bring him that turkey.

Samantha!

>> Thank you, baby girl.

Oh, (bleep)!

>> Oh! It's all over

the linoleum.

There's grease everywhere,

Lewis.

>> Looks like there's two

turkeys on the floor now.

>> This how a real man saves

Thanksgiving.

(laughing)

(screaming)

Ahh! Damn it!

My f--

(theme music playing)

**

>> Yo, you wanna cruise over

to Derrick's?

>> I'm starving, man, I need...

>> They're definitely related.

Yo, what up, man!

How you guys doing, huh?!

Sick-ass skateboard threads

you guys are rocking.

So what you animals ride, huh?

Element decks or what?

>> Uh...

>> It's...

>> You (bleep) don't skateboard!

You posers just got exposed!

What's up bros and bras?

Name's Duffy and I'm here to do

one thing and one thing only,

and that's expose posers.

Like these frauds!

(laughing)

Hey! So you into groove metal,

huh?

So what type of ax

you shredding?

>> Uh, well...

>> (interrupting grunting)

>> No, I...

>> (interrupting grunting)

>> I...

>> (interrupting grunting)

Shut up, man!

That poser just got exposed!

Ooh, military boys.

Hey, so tell me, what's a

standard urban bridge maneuver?

>> Oh, we're just actors.

>> These posers just got (bleep)

exposed!

(roaring)

Exposed!

>> We're actors, you jacka--

>> Hey, dick, what's the price

of crude oil?

>> Excuse me--

(buzzer sounding)

(grunting)

(horn blaring)

All right, so right around the

corner, we got these two posers

we're gonna--

>> Who are you talking to?

>> What?

>> Like, what are you doing?

>> What?

>> Are you--

are you posing like you have

a TV show?

>> (chuckling)

Look, it's like this,

me and my guys--

>> Spit it out.

What the hell are you doing,

then?

>> I got this thing.

(sobbing)

(distorted) I just got exposed!

>> So, uh, Rel's been stuck in

his doggie door all afternoon.

>> For several hours.

>> Yeah, he's miserable.

His ass is out in the air.

His legs are cold.

>> It's legitimately outside.

>> So we thought,

why not take his shoes?

>> Okay, fine.

(crew chatter)

>> Whoa.

Hey, man, what-- hey, stop!

>> Get his shoes.

>> What are y'all doing?

Stop!

Hey, man, cut it out!

Damn it.

Hey, man.

What's wrong with y'all?

(crew laughing)

(laughing)

Trying to-- trying to

make a TV show, y'all.

(all laughing)

**

>> All right, you ready?

All right.

>> What do we do?

>> I'ma pick you up.

>> You're gonna pick me up.

>> Go!

>> Ahh!

>> (Rel laughing)

That's all I had.

Josh is a lot fatter

than I thought.

(laughing)

**

>> Hi, I'm Kenny Lucas.

>> And I'm Keith Lucas.

>> And we're brothers.

>> Oh, yeah, we have a lot of

love in our life.

>> But we realize we were

incomplete, that there was a

hole in our heart and our lives

have no meaning at all.

>> And we knew there was only

one thing that could change our

dead souls.

>> Our very own monster truck.

>> The monster truck

is perfection.

>> Yeah, you don't need any

special kind of license to drive

a monster truck.

>> And while technically not

street legal, good luck trying

to stop a two-ton 1,500

horsepower behemoth.

>> That's a lot of horsepower.

>> That's a ton.

>> You said behemoth.

>> I said behemoth.

>> So what will we do

with this thing, you might ask?

>> How about look cool as hell?

Plus, if we had our own monster

truck, we'd promise to drive

over baby strollers...

(baby crying)

Boxes full of cargo.

>> Potato chips, too.

>> But monster trucks cost

money.

>> That's where the good people

of Kickstarter come in.

>> We need $225,000.

>> So give it to us.

>> For $1,000, we'll pull out a

loose tooth with the monster

truck.

(snapping)

>> Oh, oh!

>> For a small $10,000 fee,

you can help us pick our

nickname for the truck.

>> Yeah, like Hell On Earth.

Or Bigger...

>> Bigger Foot.

>> Or Bigger Foot.

>> Yeah.

>> Or Diarrhea Machine.

>> All right, full disclosure,

we're going with

Diarrhea Machine,

that's the obvious choice.

>> Yeah.

>> For $50,000, we will drive

over a person.

>> Like Josh.

>> This is something

we've wanted our whole lives.

So now we're putting our faith

in the streets.

>> Thank you for your time and

support, guys.

God bless.

**

>> Daddy needs a new pair

of shoes.

(laughing)

>> Daddy needs more hair

on his head.

>> Sounds like someone's a

little jealous of Daddy's style.

>> Ooh.

(chuckling)

Oh, hey, Ernie,

where you been, pal?

>> I've been playing with my

imaginary friend, Brutus.

Do you wanna meet him?

>> With a name like that,

who wouldn't?

>> This is Brutus.

He loves sandwiches.

>> Holy (bleep)!

(gunshots)

>> Oh, oh, oh, oh!

>> Lewis!

>> Dad!

>> Holy (bleep), Ernie,

are you okay?

>> Dad, you killed Brutus!

He was--

>> I don't give a (bleep)

what he-- what the...

what the (bleep) is this?

>> Lewis, why are you carrying

a gun in the house?

>> I don't know, maybe

for (bleep) like this!

>> Is Brutus going to be okay?

(Brutus moaning)

>> Jesus Christ, Lewis.

There is blue blood all over my

hardwood floor.

>> Who gives a (bleep)!

You know something,

y'all are so unappreciative,

I can't do this no more.

How about I just blow my brains

out and me and this

blue mother(bleep) go back there

with Stinky and lay

in the (bleep) dirt?!

(theme music playing)

>> Now, do you both believe

that you can get into the cab

without a ladder?

>> Yeah, I think I can get in.

>> Yes, sure.

>> Three...

>> Wait.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Two... one, go!

>> Keith, you left the door

wide open.

Oh, maybe not.

>> Oh, it's Kenny!

(laughing)

It's Kenny.

>> I won, what do I get?

>> Nothing.

>> Well, you know, I tried

something different.

I try to think outside the box.

And I lost.

Now my jeans are all dirty.

Ted Turner?

(crew laughing)

Ted Turner, I need some new, uh,

I need some new jeans.

(laughing)

And I'm coming for you, Ted.

(laughing)

**

>> Cut!

(panting)

>> Hey, I'm Kevin Barnett from

"Friends of the People."

I've played a lot of diverse

roles on this show,

such as Brutus,

the imaginary friend.

Bigfoot, Ice Cream Cone Dude

and guy with a chainsaw,

where my face was covered.

The thing I bring to the table

when I'm playing roles such as

that is, well, the facial

expressions I make behind

the mask.

Every day... (chuckling)

for me, uh, is a nightmare.

(crew laughing)

And...

(all laughing)

...this is what my friends

have done to me.

>> Tyler Perry, I must say,

I think you're the next big

thing.

>> Thank you.

>> I'm so glad we found you.

>> I'm glad that you did, too.

>> Your potential as a

shape-shifter is unparalleled.

Your ability to transform into

any old black man or old black

woman you choose, coupled with

your impeccable comedic timing,

make you a force to be

reckoned with.

Tyler Perry,

welcome to the X-Men.

**

>> Y'all hurry up and finish

these grits now.

>> I don't wanna eat these.

>> I swear to God, you--

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jean.

Baby Jean, I'm sorry.

I need to calm down before

I mess these nails up.

And I just got these nails done.

But you run your mouth again,

these nails come off,

that's your ass.

>> Why are you even transformed

into Madea anyway?

>> You would ask something like

that, Wolverine, always asking

these dumb-ass questions.

But I'll tell you, 'cause you

never know when you gonna need

the sassiness of a mad, black--

>> I'm Juggernaut!

>> (maniacal laughter)

>> If it isn't the X-Men.

>> Now why y'all coming up in

here with all that noise?!

>> Juggernaut!

(screaming)

>> There you go, mm-hmm.

What you crying for, huh?

I know your fat ass loves the

grease and you gonna clean it up

now, too.

>> Who are you?

>> (laughing)

He gonna come in my kitchen

and gonna ask me why who am I?

Who am I?

Who are you?

Who you supposed to be, hmm?

Boba Fett?

>> Where's Charles Xavier?

>> Charles Xavier?

More like Charles needs a savior

Lord Jesus Christ to help fix

them dead-ass legs.

>> (laughing)

No, seriously, where-- where--

>> Where-where-where who's, hmm?

You dig?

Wearing them tight-ass pants.

I can't find 'em neither.

>> (laughing)

>> I thought I told you and

your dumb-ass friend to quit

coming in here and messing

up my kitchen!

Go!

>> Oh, so sorry.

Come, Juggernaut.

>> Madea, you saved us like you

always do.

>> Oh, that ain't nothing,

child, you know, Madea takes

care of her own.

Now you go on and finish your

grits.

>> Yes, ma'am.

>> Yes, ma'am.

>> I'm the most unbelievable

X-Men character in this whole

sketch.

(laughing)

Look at this, this just came

off, look at this (bleep).

(crew laughing)

Hey, young lady.

I see you.

It's prom night

or you got a hot date.

I know what you need.

Lipstick man.

(crew laughing)

Now you look good.

(laughing continues)