Original subtitles

>> Hey, welcome to Soft Surfin'.

How can I help you?

>> Uh, can I just get

a vanilla ice cream cone?

>> Ooh, sweet choice. Up here.

>> Oh.

>> (humming)

(machine banging)

Ah, dang it...

Hey, Alonzo!

The ice cream machine broke!

Ahh, man, now there's a big,

old puddle on the-- oh!

>> Jesus, are you okay?

>> Oh, the machine's broken--

aah!

>> Okay, oh, jeez, uh--

>> I'm Cory, the store manager--

oh!

>> All right, uh...

>> Hey, it's the handyman

comin' through-- aah!

>> Aah!

>> Hey, I heard there was

an emergency-- aah!

>> Okay.

>> Just carryin' some bottles.

>> You okay?

>> Hey, I got bottles too--

whoa!

>> Glass is everywhere!

>> Don't mind me, citizen,

I'm just your mayor,

Billy Manning,

grabbing my daily--

>> Aah!

>> Have you seen the mayor--

aah!

>> Have you seen the mayor--

aah!

>> Aah!

>> Son of a bitch, it's hot

outside, I'm telling-- oh!

>> No!

>> Oh, my God.

>> Wait, Mom?

>> There's at least 10 people

laid up on the ground over here.

>> No, so be careful

because they've all fallen.

>> It's just a little puddle

of some sort of--

>> Mom!

>> (humming)

Aah!

>> Got it.

(machine banging)

Heh, it is broken.

Oh, I'll try the switch--

>> Hey, just so you know,

we're having a 20% off sale on

the fresh linen scented candles.

>> Oh. Okay.

Oh.

Oh, God.

>> Nice, right?

>> I-- I never knew what fresh

linen smelled like before today.

Jesus, it is amazing.

>> Sure, yeah, no, we also

have some exquisite lotions

if you're looking for--

>> No, no, no, it's okay.

Uh, I will just be taking this.

>> Okay.

>> Actually, I'll take three.

(Bleep), whoo!

(simmer, sniff, gasp, whoosh)

>> (woman cackling)

>> (distorted voice) I can help

he next customert

n register five.o

>> (woman cackling)

>> (man) Can I help you, ma'am?

>> (distorted) Fresh linen.

resh linen.F

>> Excuse me, where are

all the fresh linen candles?

Uh, 'cause I-- I--

I looked on the shelf

and it's empty, so...

>> Well, actually, the fresh

linen is a seasonal scent.

So we may have more again

next summer, but probably not.

>> Uh, okay...

I, uh... I...

(deep, distorted) I need a fresh

linen candle.

>> Uh, we're-- we're just

all sold out of 'em.

So I-- I...

(simmer, sniff, gasp, whoosh)

I could offer you

a shea butter coupon.

>> (distorted) Fresh linen.

(regular voice) Oh, thank God.

Okay, you have it?

Or... you have it?

(nervous laughter)

What the (bleep) is that?

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, look.

I know it's not fresh linen,

but it's clean cotton and it's

literally the same exact--

>> No! It's not!

It's not!

(glass shatters)

>> Calm down, lady!

Look, hey--

Hey, lady, what-- what're you

doing? You crazy or something?

>> Just shush!

(sobbing)

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, wait.

>> (women screaming)

>> Okay! Okay!

I wanna see blood for this

fresh linen candle, ladies.

All right?

Let the savagery begin!

>> (women screaming)

(cheering)

>> (woman shrieking)

>> (women cheering)

(fists thudding)

>> Aah!

>> Mom, is there any more

orange soda?

>> Oh, here you go, hon.

There you go-- oh!

Okay, go upstairs.

>> (women screaming)

>> Keith, Kenny, everyone at

the company thinks you would be

great candidates for the job.

>> That's very kind.

>> Thank you.

>> Unfortunately, we can only

offer one of you the job.

Personally, I'm torn.

I think you'd both be great.

>> Oh, that's very kind.

>> Thank you.

>> In fact, nobody at the

company can come to

an agreement.

For instance, Mark Fish, VP of

Sales, he likes Keith better.

>> Big Fish.

>> However, Ashley Noonan,

head of the West Coast division,

prefers Kenneth.

>> Good old Ashley Noonan.

>> We ran it through our HR,

talked it over with our legal

counsel, we even had everybody

come down to the boardroom,

put their heads on the desk

to do a blind vote,

we still couldn't come

to an agreement.

>> Oh, that's very kind.

>> Thank you.

>> We only have a couple more

options on how we think

we could determine

who should get this job.

First, we were wondering if you

could-- stand up right now!

Wow, sit down, please.

That was sublime.

You didn't know I was

gonna do that.

>> (both) No.

>> Okay, well, next up, we--

you'll see, we have these two

sheets of paper in front of you.

We were wondering if you guys

could just...

Hot damn.

Wow, did you guys practice that?

>> No practice, did you--

>> No, never.

>> No practice.

>> All right, well,

I don't know how to do it,

really.

That's all I had.

>> Okay.

>> Thanks.

>> Well, I--

actually, if you wouldn't mind,

we do-- we have one more idea.

Now, uh...

now, we don't--

we obviously don't want you

to kill each other.

>> Oh, that's very kind.

>> Thank you.

>> But we were wondering if you

would be willing to battle each

other wearing giant,

inflatable bubbles.

>> (both grunting)

(clatter)

(dinging)

(whistle blowing)

>> Yeah!

>> Congratulations, Keith,

you are our new scientist.

>> Yes! I'm a scientist!

>> All right, pal,

let's go cure cancer.

>> Let's do it.

>> We are in the "Friends of the

People" production office.

We had to wear the bubble

a few sketches ago,

so now our friends are gonna do

it and compete.

>> So we're gonna pick some

names out of this bucket.

>> Yeah.

>> First up.

>> Jermaine.

>> Jermaine is first.

>> Who am I competing against?

>> It's Jen.

>> It's Jen, there we go.

>> Whoo!

>> Jen.

>> Jermaine against Jen.

>> Hey, in the bubbles, yo.

>> First person to knock

the first person down wins.

Yeah, uh, let's start--

>> Those are the rules.

>> Those are the rules.

Let the games begin.

Action!

>> (Jen) Aah!

>> (all laughing)

>> Uh... you okay?

You okay?

>> Jen, you okay?

>> I'm sorry.

>> That was the (bleep)!

>> No chance in the slightest.

>> What'd I do?

>> You did everything correct.

>> I'm dead serious,

I'm so sorry.

He said action! He said action!

>> So, wait, so who won?

Who won the, uh, who won the...

>> You came at me like a bullet.

You came at me like a bullet.

I was like, "Are we ready--"

And then I blacked out.

I think I blacked out

for a good minute.

>> Welcome back to Fox Newz

coverage of Election Night 2016.

This just in, breaking poll

results in the race

for president.

>> Now, not all states are

reporting and we don't know

if the candidate is Republican

or Democrat,

but Fox Newz is proud to

announce that the winner

of the 2016 presidential

election is in fact...

a white person!

>> The country has spoken,

Sandy, back to the old guard,

the bread and butter.

Celebrating the first white

president since the first black

president, restoring our legacy

of 230 years

of great white presidents.

Now, let's take a look

around this country for some

live reaction.

>> Now, Dan, there is

a chance that our new president

could be female.

>> Well, after what we've been

through, Sandy, I think we can

handle a woman.

I mean, come on, the real news

is the White House

is back, baby!

>> Now let's go to our

statistician, Nate,

live in the War Room.

>> (blowing horn)

Aah!

Big congrats, Dan, Sandy.

>> Congratulations to you, Nate.

>> Nate, what can you tell us

about the numbers, buddy?

>> We ran a series of models

based upon the candidates

and it is statistically

impossible to have a black

president in 2016.

Boom!

>> Oh, what great news, Nate.

Boom, right back at ya!

>> Nothing but net!

Marco Rubio and Bobby Jindal

gave us a bit of a scare,

but they're no longer in

the running and have a win

probability...

of zero.

>> Right, and those guys aren't

white, but they're not...

you know, they're not the...

>> Oh, I know, yeah.

Full black, yeah, absolutely.

Got it back.

>> Oh, thank you so much, Nate.

Now, for those of you just

joining us, it is party time.

The president is white again.

Just like Santa Claus.

>> Oh, now let's take a look

at that election map-- now,

the states that are in white

are the states that voted for

a white candidate, which again

is all of 'em.

>> Now let's head over to

Palmer Egan who's live

in the field. Palmer?

>> Yeah, we did it!

Oh, thanks, Dan and Sandy.

I'm here with 7-year-old

Samuel Camp, who, remarkably,

has never lived in a world

without a black president.

Samuel, how do you feel

knowing the president

is white again?

>> I don't really see

how it makes a difference.

>> Well, my friend, get ready

to be proven dead wrong for the

next four years of your life.

Who'd you vote for, anyway?

>> I'm seven.

>> Right, okay, whatever.

Back to you guys.

>> Whoo! Oh!

(laughter)

>> Whoo! Stay tuned

for continuing coverage

all night long!

>> Oh, we are never gonna die

here at Fox!

>> (announcer)...

>> Hello.

My name's Forrest.

Forrest Gump.

Would you like a chocolate?

See, my mama always said life

was like a box of chocolates.

You never know what you're gonna

get.

>> What'd you say, dude?

>> (announcer) This has been...

>> Second round

of Bubble Ball Brawl.

>> Bubble Ball Brawl.

>> Bubble Ball Brawl.

>> We got Josh.

>> Josh.

>> Man, I didn't wanna do it.

>> It needs to be Kevin.

>> And Kevin.

>> (all cheering)

>> You're the man.

>> This is the matchup

of the season, baby.

>> The battle of the (bleep)-up

shoes.

>> Oh, yeah, we're all rooting

for Josh, but Kevin's gonna win.

>> John Stockton vs.

Karl Malone!

>> Here we go, ready

and action!

>> (screaming)

>> (all laughing)

>> How'd that feel, Kevin?

>> It felt violent

and good as (bleep).

>> I saw you drag.

Like, you dragged two feet away

when he pushed ya.

>> All right, you wanna go?

>> I ain't gotta do it.

>> I am so hungry right now.

>> Well, make sure you don't

get any food on that

beautiful dress.

>> Oh, you like it?

>> Beautiful.

>> Hey! Sorry for the wait.

I'm your waiter.

No pun intended!

Oh, wow, well, look.

Cut all the fun and games out.

I'm Jerome.

I'll be your server

for this evening.

>> Oh, I'm so sorry,

but you-- you wouldn't happen

to be "Sugar" Jerome, the famous

boxer from the '80s?

>> You got me.

>> I knew it, man.

My father would make me watch

your fights all the time

growing up, man.

It was great, yeah.

>> Wow. Wow.

Let me tell you something.

That makes old Sugar--

(sighs)

Makes old Sugar feel real good.

Uh, well, look.

What y'all looking to order?

>> Ladies first.

>> Oh, okay.

What does Sugar Jerome

recommend?

Do you have any favorites or...

>> One of my favorite meals here

is the salmon linguini.

I mean, it is so succulent.

Then when you cut in it,

oh, it's so tender.

>> That sounds fantastic.

Uh, yeah, you know, I think--

I think I'll get a filet mignon

and a water.

>> Well, (bleep) me, then.

Huh?

'Cause fighters don't know food.

I guess the old former

heavyweight champ don't know

anything.

>> Did I say something wrong?

>> Don't-- don't feel bad.

>> Well, here you go!

Huh?

Guess what, that's not water,

that's Sprite!

Because that's how you made me

feel.

Now how does that feel when you

get tricked like that, huh?

I done told you about all this

salmon (bleep) and you have the

nerve to embarrass me in front

of all my kids?!

>> I'm sorry, Mr. Jerome, I

didn't know about your kids--

>> Shut up, Frank!

>> Frank? Look, man, all we

wanna tell you is we're sorry

about the misunderstanding--

>> Look...

"sorry we offended you."

(whispering) Now what your

fat-ass want?

Oh, I know what you want.

Oh, yes.

A nice, crispy onion ring.

Oh, yeah, look at that.

>> I didn't--

>> Shut up!

Be right back.

Keep that on your face.

>> Do I keep it here?

>> No, take it off.

>> I wanna eat the onion ring,

but...

>> It was in his pants.

>> Oh...

Here you go.

So how's that onion ring,

you battered bitch?!

>> Honestly,

it's not even that good.

>> Stand up.

Stand your ass up.

Come on, stand up.

>> Come on, man.

>> Come on, stand up.

I didn't want to have to do this

to you.

>> What? What?

>> Sugar gonna have to put

the "sugars" on you, huh?

Sugar gonna have to put the--

on you.

Oh, yeah, huh?

Now I know you feeling diabetic

with all this sugar in your

stomach, don't ya, huh?

Huh?! Oh, Sugar is going crazy!

(panting)

>> Okay, all right, okay!

I'll order the salmon linguini.

>> Well, okay.

Have a seat.

I'll be right back.

>> All right.

I'm so sorry.

My cousin told me it was

a good place.

Are you calling the police?

>> No, I'm on Yelp.

>> Well, it turns out

we don't even have salmon

linguini on the menu.

Ha ha ha! Sorry about that.

Be cool.

>> Unstoppable force Jermaine.

Immovable object Kevin.

>> This is a classic speed

versus power match.

We we going for?

>> Jermaine.

>> I think-- I think it's Kevin.

I'm gonna go pure weight.

>> It's gonna be a good one.

>> Yeah.

>> It's gonna be a good one.

>> Ready and action.

>> (yelling)

>> (cheering)

>> (laughing)

>> Kevin, that felt so angry.

Kev, did you scream?

>> (yelling)

>> Kevin!

Kev and Rel...

You gotta play Rel.

It's Kevin and Rel.

>> It's Kevin and Rel.

The match-- the match we've been

waiting for.

>> I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Does anybody need anything?

>> Yeah.

Why don't you bring us back

some poop?

>> (all laughing)

>> Okay, okay, I meant because

I'm walking past the kitchen.

>> (laughing continues)

>> Hey, Lynn, did you bring me

back that poop I wanted?

>> (laughing)

>> Hey, Ted.

I got that report that you sent

over. Do you think I could get--

>> Some poop and bring it back

to me?

(laughing)

>> Hey, Carol.

Not really feeling well.

Think I'm gonna take a sick day.

Go to the doctor and maybe get--

>> Some poop and bring it back

to me?

(laughing)

>> Ted, how long have you been

there?!

>> All day, Lynn.

(laughing)

>> Hey, guys.

Thanks for visiting.

I got my test results back.

And it turns out that I have--

>> (whispers) Some poop for me?

>> What?

>> Don't do this, Ted.

>> No, what did he say?

>> I said...

you got some poop for me?

>> Ted, stop, you gotta stop.

>> No, I want to hear what he

thinks I have.

>> (laughing)

Do you have-- do you have some

poop for me?

(laughing)

>> No!

No, I did not get

poop for you, Ted!

I have colon cancer.

>> Oh.

Oh, I didn't...

Colon, huh?

So I guess you have some poop

for these doctors, then,

don't you?

(laughing)

>> That's not what cancer is,

Ted!

It's not when you give people

poop!

>> (chuckles)

>> As Lynn's boss,

I got to know her as a person

and as an employee.

I remember this one time,

Lynn got--

>> Some poop for me!

>> (laughing)

>> No!

No!

Why are you laughing?!

He's done that joke

a million times!

>> He's done it so many times

it got funny again.

>> (Ted) Hey, wait!

Hey, maybe Lynn's in heaven

getting some poop for me?

>> (laughing continues)

>> There's no poop in heaven.

>> Oh, my God, Lynn,

did you poop or something?

>> All right, this is the final

round, this is Kevin versus Rel.

About the same body mass.

So this is gonna be interesting.

>> This should be a good one.

I mean, this is the match

we've all wanted to see.

This is Pacquioa-Mayweather

for this office.

>> Yeah.

It's relative to that.

>> You got this, Rel.

>> Ready and action.

>> (yelling)

>> (cheering)

>> We got a draw, man.

>> Start back, start back.

That was round one.

That was round one.

They're evenly matched.

>> Kevin's not sweating, though.

Looks like Rel's going through

a lot over there.

>> Rel, do this for Chicago.

>> I'm good.

>> (cheering)

>> You can take off

your chains, Rel.

>> (laughing)

>> You don't have to wear

your chains, man.

>> Oh, boy, this is the last

round.

This is it.

For all the marbles or whatever.

>> Ready and action.

>> (yelling)

>> (cheering)

>> That was fatigue!

>> No!

>> That was fatigue.

>> Rel has eaten three cheese--

Rel's eaten three

chicken-and-cheese sandwiches

before this happened.

>> It's all good, man.

>> (applause)

>> The winner, Kevin.

>> Kevin is the Bubble Brawl

Ball champion.

>> Kevin is the Bubble Brawl

champion.

A lot of pent-up frustration.

>> Rel looks unscathed.

His chains are fine.

His clothes are fine.

He's doing good.

>> Swag and money, baby.

>> Swag and money.

The words of a losing man--

swag and money.

>> (laughing)