Original subtitles

**

>> Y'all ready?

Let's begin.

Don, you're the inside man.

You'll let Saul and Sally

in the building.

Saul, you knock out the guards.

You will sneak through the back.

Once inside,

I'll get the vault codes.

And Elmore, you crack the vault.

Any questions?

I got one.

What are you gonna do with your

share of a million dollars?

>> I got eyes on Don.

(cheers and applause)

>> Let's play "Who Would Like To

Be a Millionaire?"

(cheers and applause)

Here's your first question.

>> I would like to use

all of my lifelines!

>> Nobody move!

This is a stickup.

>> Don't move, Regis Philbin.

>> I'm not Regis Philbin.

I'm Ben Bailey.

>> Do you wanna die, Regis?

Just give us that $1 million,

and nobody gets hurt!

>> Uh, we don't have any money

here at all.

>> Regis Philbin think

this is a game.

What are the vault codes!

>> There's not vault,

there's not codes, there's--

we don't have any money.

If someone wins, we just

send them a check in the mail.

>> Of course!

All right, then...

Then just write us a check!

>> The bank will just void

that check.

>> I know!

I know, all right.

Give us your phones and wallets.

>> Phones, wallets.

>> Um, sorry, but nobody

actually has anything.

They had to give all their

personal belongings to security

at audience check-in.

>> It's true, I, I snuck

my gun in, but everything else

is at check-in.

>> Okay, then just take us to

audience check-in.

>> We'd have to take

a shuttle bus.

>> Nobody here has any money?

>> You know what?

Let's take this podium, man.

>> Yeah.

(grunting loudly)

That thing, it's not moving.

>> Oh, I got an idea.

What if we took Regis to the

bank, right, we have Regis take

out all of his money but then we

have guns at the bank, it's

a bad idea, I take it back.

>> Are you kidding me?

That's your idea, that--

You guys are so dumb.

It's amazing.

You're gonna steal a podium?

What are you gonna do with it?

I'm Ben Bailey, okay?

I'm not Regis Philbin.

The guy's like 40 years older

than I am.

>> Hey, Regis, could you sign

this for my mom?

>> No, no, no!

We came here for a reason,

all right?!

And that's to get this money!

>> Um, maybe Don could just play

and maybe he'll win.

>> I got, I got an idea.

Maybe Don could just play 'cause

Don's already here and he could

win the money.

>> That's great.

>> Yeah, that's smart.

>> Always thinking.

>> I'm, I'm the kingpin,

I'm the mastermind.

>> Great idea, let's play

the game.

Audience, give it up for Don.

Let's play "Who Would Like To Be

a Millionaire?" again.

Here we go.

Whoo-hoo, wow.

Okay, Don, the question remains.

>> D: Aladdin, final answer.

>> Oh, no, Don.

That is incorrect.

>> That's some children's movie.

(all talking)

>> Thanks, everybody,

I'm Regis-- I'm Ben Bailey.

That's it for "Who Would Like To

Be a Millionaire?"

We'll see you next time.

**

("Mad Men" theme playing)

**

>> (screaming)

(theme playing)

(cheering from TV)

>> He's in, no balls and one

strike to Richie.

Waiting on the second pitch.

>> Have fun hanging out

by yourself.

I'm going on a date.

>> You're going on a date in

a fourth-grader's shorts.

>> Right down the middle,

Brian, looks like he's going

right at 'em.

>> These aren't shorts for

children, these are cool shorts,

these are date shorts.

>> Those are date shorts?

Those are the shorts you would

choose to wear on a date where

you might possibly have sex with

somebody?

This the life you want, hm?

>> All right, I'll change

the shorts, but they're not for

kids, okay?

>> That's a much better move.

(Muzak playing)

>> How you doing?

>> Thank you very much,

thank you.

(beeping)

(shutter clicking)

>> Did you just take a picture

of my son's butt?

>> No, no...

(stammering) What?

>> I saw you take a picture

of my son's butt.

Burt, cover your ears.

>> Are you crazy? I would never,

I would never, I would never

do something like that.

I would never even, uh...

>> He's trying to erase it.

He's trying to erase the picture

of my son's butt.

>> No! No! No! No!

>> Huh, okay, that looks a hell

of a lot like Burt's ass to me.

>> I'm calling the police.

>> Come here.

>> Funny story.

Actually, earlier, I was coming

here on my way to a date and

I was wearing those same

cargo shorts, you know?

And my friend was like,

"Oh, those are for little kids.

Those are for children."

I was like, "No, they're for...

They're for adults, too, to come

on a date."

And he was like,

"No, they're not."

So I was gonna take a,

I was gonna take a picture of,

of his shorts to send to

my friend as a joke.

>> 9-1-1? Yeah, I'm in the diner

on Fifth and there's some kind

of pervert here, if you could

just send somebody...

>> When the police get here,

it'll be no biggie, I'm telling

you, it's not a...

It-- I'm not a, I'm not a creep.

I'm just not, I'm just not

stylish, you know?

I mean, look at me, come on.

This is between me and Burt.

(cell door shuts)

Every year, 5 million men are

arrested for taking a picture

of a kid's shorts to text their

friend.

Don't be me.

Turn off the flash.

Paid for by the

United Losers of America.

>> Y'all are now on the game

show "Whom Would Like To Be

a Millionaire?"

The question is-- these people

right here...

Remember, this is everything

now.

>> Not "Scrubs,"

I'm pretty sure.

>> Yeah.

Not "All That,."

>> Was it the first one?

>> Yeah, I think it's "A."

>> I'll go with that.

>> Yo, "A," "Friends

of the People"?

>> Final answer.

>> You are correct!

Bring in the prize, there we go.

$1 million, that's yours.

>> Thank you.

>> Oh, real quick, what was

the name of the show again

that we're doing?

>> "All the People."

>> "The People."

>> "All the People."

This is the cast of "All the

People" here on the streets...

>> I'm going on a date after

this, and I was gonna wear these

shorts, do you feel like--

>> Bad idea.

>> Bad idea.

>> Yes, very bad.

>> At what age is it okay to

wear these shorts?

>> 12.

>> 12, look at all these things

I could do 'cause I'm in shorts,

like... like that.

And I could take this.

I feel like I could kick better.

Man, I just got these like sick

calves, you know?

Like, boom calves.

Calf.

I don't know, I'm really

grasping at straws to be honest.

Hey.

("Mad Men" theme playing)

>> All right, Don, this is it.

Dinner meeting with Hershey's

Chocolate.

This could make or break us,

but you got this.

Stick to the script.

I'm here to meet up--

>> Get out of here!

We don't serve your kind

in here, boy!

(theme playing)

**

>> Welcome to "Squabblin' &

Quarrelin'."

That's Keith, I'm Kenny.

And this is the show where we

squabble and quarrel about some

of the hottest topics on Earth.

First topic, hot dogs.

>> Gotta say, big fan

of hot dogs.

>> I love hot dogs, too.

>> You love hot dogs?

Not more than me.

>> It think I'm a much

bigger fan.

>> I don't think so.

You know what I do

when I go to cookouts?

>> What do you do?

>> I burn all the hamburgers

so there's only hot dogs left.

>> I like that.

You know, you are a bigger

hot dog fan.

>> I know, that's my dedication.

(horn blaring)

>> Oh, you hear that sound?

>> I hear it.

>> It think it's time for

a round...

>> Good, Bad, or Decent.

>> It's time.

>> So here's what we do.

I'm gonna ask Keith a bunch of--

I'm gonna give Keith a bunch of

topics, and he's gonna tell me

if they're good, bad, or decent.

Good?

That's good.

All right, soup.

>> Decent.

>> Napoleon.

>> Decent.

>> Paper towels.

>> Decent.

>> Mushrooms.

>> Decent.

>> Cans.

>> Decent.

>> The sun.

The moon?

Sky?

Heaven?

Earth?

Hell?

Penguin?

Soup?

>> You said soup already.

But decent again.

>> Chicken noodle soup.

>> Oh.

Uh...

(horn blaring)

>> So that's the end of the

show, uh, we'll see you guys,

when we see you, bye-bye.

>> Good night.

>> He only has

a few minutes left.

>> Doctor, he's Batman.

>> I'm sorry, um...

This time the wounds are just...

They're just too deep.

>> We will miss you,

Master Wayne.

>> It's okay.

I know Gotham City will still

be in good hands.

>> I will do you proud, Batman.

(sniffles)

I'm ready.

>> You aren't ready, Robin.

But I know one person who is.

R&B sensation and 16-time

Grammy nominee, Brian McKnight.

>> Thanks a lot, Batman.

(chuckling)

(flatline tone)

Oh... (chuckling)

(alarm beeping)

Time to save Gotham City.

(maniacal laughter)

>> Dark McKnight, save us!

>> Yeah, dude, they're gonna

kill us.

>> Dark McKnight.

Congratulations.

You found us.

One more step

and the mayor's sons die.

>> Don't try anything.

(laughing)

>> We don't have to fight.

We could be anywhere.

Doing anything.

>> Don't you try your sweet talk

on me, McKnight.

>> You have five seconds

to let them go.

* One, honey, let them be

>> Hey.

>> * Two, we could do anything

>> Close your ears, Harley.

>> * Three, you don't look

* Evil to me

>> I don't?

>> * And you're the only

* Clown I see, yeah

>> Yo, I'm standing right

here, man.

>> * Four, don't look at him

* Look at me

>> Please, stop now.

>> * Five, girl, I can

* Set you free

>> Brian, she's all I got.

>> * If you still think guns

* And laughing gas are fun

* Then I'll start right back

* At one

>> Oh, wow.

Oh, yes.

(chuckling)

>> Can, can we dip?

>> Yeah, you can go.

>> Thanks, brother.

>> All right.

All right, cool.

See you next week, guys.

>> You guys ready for another

doozy?

>> Yup.

>> All right, what is the, uh,

the most embarrassing thing that

I, that I Josh Rabinowitz own?

Is it...

>> I'm leaning towards back

shaver?

>> Yeah.

>> Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

I own a back shaver.

You guys win and I lose.

It's like a back scratcher

with a razor, it doesn't--

It barely even works.

Still, the hair's there, but now

there's just these weird,

small cuts.

**

>> Damn, man.

>> Is there any bigger hassle

than trying to catch a cab?

>> So you wanna go back

to my place?

>> Very much, no.

>> It's almost as hard as

finding someone to have sex

with you.

>> I said, "No."

>> Sorry.

>> From the makers of Tinder

and Uber comes Tuber,

the safe and easy way to find

cab drivers you can bang.

>> Hey, are you here from Tuber?

>> Yeah, get in the back seat

and pull down your drawers.

The meter's running.

>> Okay, great.

>> Simply download the Tuber app

and enter your preferences.

Within seconds, Tuber connects

you with horny cabbies

in your area.

Tuber's cabbies will drive you

anywhere and do anything.

>> Hey, buddy, look,

we're running late.

Can we have sex with you

while you drive us to JFK?

>> Ooh, oh-ho, you guys got it.

>> (laughing) Yes.

>> You can even leave feedback.

>> Let me give you the tip.

>> Oh...

I think you already did.

(laughing)

>> Tuber...

For the ride of a lifetime.

Tuber's not responsible for

vehicle safety or STD status.

If you fall in love with

a cabbie, they will only break

your heart.

>> All right, everyone,

welcome to the conference call.

Let's get started.

Looking at the Lewis report,

it seems as though we've had a

generous uptick in the consumer

sales in the mobile platform.

Is that right, Frank?

>> Absolutely, however,

to keep profits up in Q3,

we have to continue to expand

in new markets.

>> That's right.

Sales is looking into viable

options right now.

>> Yeah, we're on it.

(video game sfx playing)

>> I have contacts in Toledo

which could be a great

opportunity.

(laughing)

You tried to go glove side?

>> Hey, screw you, pal.

>> You know, I'll be honest.

I worry about oversaturation in

the Midwest.

>> Agreed, yet market saturation

is something we do not need

at this stage in the game.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

>> Everybody, listen to me!

There's a bear in this office!

>> While a bear market isn't

always a negative, we need

to consider manufacturing

outside the Midwest.

>> The sale team's on it.

>> Yup.

>> Son-of-a-bitch, Martha!

Get him out the crease!

The West Coast division does

support increase in Q4.

>> I can vouch for that.

>> (man shouting)

Get back, beast!

You do not belong.

Get back!

>> That is great, Rich.

Great energy.

>> (panting)

Diversifying the portfolio with

the West Coast is a smart plan.

>> Sales... (chuckles)

Sales team's on it.

(bird tweeting)

>> Is that clear, Pete?

>> Clear!

>> Great.

>> Fantastic, we can reconnect

tomorrow afternoon.

Come on.

>> Ahh!

>> Wonderful, all right, we'll

tough base at 3:00.

(phone ringing)

Great call, great call.

("Mad Men" theme playing)

>> This season

on "Black Mad Men"...

>> (screaming)

(shouting)

(thudding)

>> Morning.

(dog barking)

What the--

Oh!

Down, down, down!

Damn it!

Ah, ah!

Let me get to work for once!

Ah!

(theme playing)

>> Hi, how are you?

>> Good, how are you?

>> Good, um, I didn't know if

you were interested in signing

up for our new Tuber

application.

>> You?

>> It's a, well, it's-- I mean,

it's been around for a bit.

But it's a new Tuber app,

so basically it allows you to

expand your business if you know

what I mean.

Do you know about it, or...

>> I know it.

>> Yeah, you know about Tuber?

Oh, you use it.

You use Tuber.

Do you like it, or...

>> I like it.

>> Oh, I like it, too.

(laughing)

>> A lot of people like it.

>> A lot of people love it.

Yeah, cool, cool.

Well, keep using Tuber.

Go about your day.

All right, bye.

He loves Tuber.

>> Break every yoke!

Whatever it is you need God

to do, He has done right now!

Hand him the microphone,

Brother Larry.

Now young man, what is

your name?

>> (stammering)

My name is Dinkle.

>> Dinkle, all right now,

Dinkle, all right, Dink.

Now what is it you came down

here for today, brother?

>> One reason

and one reason only.

>> Tell us, brother.

>> * To be delivered

>> Oh, yeah.

>> (chuckling) Look here, man.

I've been am embarrassment

to my family.

>> Yes!

>> My community.

>> Yes!

>> And myself.

>> Amen!

>> * I wanna be delivered!

>> Well, we gonna do that today,

brother.

Precious Lord, help me as I lay

my hands down upon this

poor boy.

>> Oh, yes!

>> Now Dinkle, do you believe

the Lord tonight

has set you free?

>> Oh, yes, sir!

>> Oh, tell these people this.

>> I'm not no nerd no more!

I'm not gonna watch anime

no more.

>> No, you won't.

>> * I love sports

>> Yes, let go, let go, brother!

>> Lightsabers don't excite me

no more.

>> Yes, brother, the battery is

not yours, it's the Lord's,

brother.

>> And I will not go to a bar

and talk to a man about "Legend"

no more.

I'ma talk about nothing but...

(speaking gibberish)

>> Yes, brother, yes!

Somebody get down here and

praise God with him!

(all singing)

>> At long last.

Yes, now Dinkle, you have

a bright future in front of you,

Dinkle.

I want you to run toward that

camera now, Dinkle, and tell

these people, tell the people,

tell 'em.

>> Ahh!

* I been delivered!

(club music playing)

>> Here we go, Dinkle.

The time is now.

About to holler at some ladies

and the ladies do not know what

I got for them.

But you have to remember,

Dinkle, you're not a nerd

anymore.

>> Hi.

>> And also, no matter what

happens...

>> I'm Brock.

>> (screaming, vomiting)

>> Hey, it's Jermaine Fowler,

uh, "Friends of the People"

with, uh, Brian McKnight.

Uh, hey, Brian, uh, can you

teach me how to sing, uh,

"Back at One," please?

>> You know what's interesting?

I-- I've been trying and hoping

for someone to ask me that.

Are you ready?

>> Yeah, I'm ready, man.

>> * One, you're like

* A dream come true

>> (snickering)

* One, you're like

* A dream come true

>> That's almost it.

That's almost it.

* Two, just wanna

* Be with you

>> The "ooh" at the end?

>> That's right, the end.

>> * Two, you're like

* A dream come true

>> Let's go to three.

Let's go to three.

* Three, girl

* It's plain to see

>> Whoo! All right, uh...

>> The end of this line.

>> End of-- all right.

>> * That you're the only

* One for me, yeah

>> I feel like you're showing

off a little bit.

>> No, no, no, that's how I do.

>> I think you know, like,

I can't sing, you try and

embarrass me in front...

>> No, man.

I would never do that.

There's nobody here.

>> Yeah, okay, you're right.

>> Yeah, like that.

>> * And you're the only

>> Oh, you're terrible.

>> Ahh... (bleep).

(crew laughing)

Damn it, man. (laughing)

(bleep).

(both laughing)