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1
00:00:02,204 --> 00:00:04,342
âȘ It seems todaythat all you see âȘ
2
00:00:04,408 --> 00:00:07,682
âȘ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV âȘ
3
00:00:07,749 --> 00:00:11,289
âȘ But where are those
good oldâfashioned values âȘ
4
00:00:11,356 --> 00:00:14,295
âȘ On which we used to rely? âȘ
5
00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:17,769
âȘ Lucky there's a family guy âȘ
6
00:00:17,836 --> 00:00:21,142
âȘ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do âȘ
7
00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:22,913
âȘ All the things that make us âȘ
8
00:00:22,979 --> 00:00:23,848
âȘ Laugh and cry âȘ
9
00:00:23,915 --> 00:00:29,893
âȘ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! âȘ
10
00:00:34,004 --> 00:00:37,243
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to House Hunters: Westeros.
11
00:00:37,310 --> 00:00:39,247
I love it. Sold!
12
00:00:39,314 --> 00:00:41,318
Be warned, Khaleesi.
13
00:00:41,385 --> 00:00:43,522
The fourth bedroom has
no point of egress.
14
00:00:43,589 --> 00:00:46,195
And the HOA is known to be...
15
00:00:46,261 --> 00:00:47,564
unmerciful.
16
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,769
- Shame.
- (rings bell)
17
00:00:49,836 --> 00:00:51,338
Shame.
18
00:00:51,405 --> 00:00:54,244
Trash cans must be off the curb
by 10:00 a. m.!
19
00:00:54,311 --> 00:00:56,348
And pick up after your dragons!
20
00:00:56,415 --> 00:00:57,918
Hey, can somebody change
the channel?
21
00:00:57,985 --> 00:01:01,058
I'll watch anything except these
stupid home renovation shows.
22
00:01:01,125 --> 00:01:03,529
- What's wrong with them?
- Besides their lack of Kermits?
23
00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:06,602
Lots of things. It's mindless,
cookieâcutter entertainment
24
00:01:06,669 --> 00:01:08,305
for wishâfulfillment nobodies.
25
00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:10,176
And the more I watch
these stupid shows,
26
00:01:10,243 --> 00:01:12,313
the more I realize
I really love 'em.
27
00:01:12,380 --> 00:01:13,817
Oh, my Godââ me, too!
28
00:01:13,884 --> 00:01:15,888
It's the only thing
I watch on planes.
29
00:01:15,954 --> 00:01:19,394
No! Why would they pick that
house over the ranchâstyle?
30
00:01:19,461 --> 00:01:20,931
It's close to the city center,
31
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:23,435
which, according
to these shows, is important.
32
00:01:23,502 --> 00:01:26,408
You know, I bet we could do
our own HGTV show.
33
00:01:26,475 --> 00:01:29,514
If those Property Husbands can
do it, we can do it.
34
00:01:29,581 --> 00:01:31,251
They're brothers, Cleveland.
35
00:01:31,318 --> 00:01:33,222
They're husbands.
36
00:01:33,289 --> 00:01:35,359
Are you guys suggesting
we make our own show
37
00:01:35,426 --> 00:01:36,863
instead of going to the doctor
38
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,499
for our lethally high
blood pressure?
39
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:41,371
- Uh, yâyou could easily do both.
- One or the other.
40
00:01:41,438 --> 00:01:42,942
Let's do it. It'll be fun.
41
00:01:43,008 --> 00:01:44,621
And, you know, we haven't done
anything together
42
00:01:44,645 --> 00:01:46,683
since we rode that ride
at the amusement park.
43
00:01:47,952 --> 00:01:50,489
I feel like, uh, I might be
too heavy for this ride.
44
00:01:50,556 --> 00:01:53,162
No, no, they account for all
types of people. You're fine.
45
00:01:53,229 --> 00:01:55,199
- (laughing)
- Aah! Help!
46
00:01:55,266 --> 00:01:58,105
I'm too heavy!
Glenn! I'm too heavy!
47
00:01:58,172 --> 00:02:00,209
I'm too heavy, Mr. Quagmire!
48
00:02:00,276 --> 00:02:03,182
I'm too heavy!
I'm too heavy, Glenn!
49
00:02:03,249 --> 00:02:05,119
I'm too heavy.
50
00:02:05,186 --> 00:02:07,758
I'm too heavy.
I'm too heavy.
51
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,369
Why are you wearing that?
52
00:02:13,435 --> 00:02:15,908
Did you go to that John Popper
estate sale?
53
00:02:15,974 --> 00:02:18,445
No, me and the guys are
doing our own HGTV show.
54
00:02:18,512 --> 00:02:22,120
What?! I'm a mom!
I love those shows!
55
00:02:22,186 --> 00:02:23,657
I would've done that with you.
56
00:02:23,723 --> 00:02:26,061
I'm just sitting here,
reading a blank book.
57
00:02:26,128 --> 00:02:28,565
When it's not my story,
they give me empty books.
58
00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:31,639
Sorry, we already shot
our first one. Check it out.
59
00:02:31,706 --> 00:02:33,418
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
This week on Kitchen House,
60
00:02:33,442 --> 00:02:35,146
the kitchen boys take on
61
00:02:35,212 --> 00:02:36,424
a fourâbed, threeâbath craftsman
62
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:40,389
and transform it into a
nonsense sevenâkitch', noâbath.
63
00:02:40,456 --> 00:02:42,627
But first they meet
with some new clients
64
00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:44,932
looking to make updates
to an old family home.
65
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:47,337
Okay, the first thing I'd do
is take down this wall
66
00:02:47,403 --> 00:02:48,472
to open up the kitchen.
67
00:02:48,539 --> 00:02:49,751
Just make this
whole room a kitchen.
68
00:02:49,775 --> 00:02:51,545
And then
I'm gonna gut this bathroom,
69
00:02:51,611 --> 00:02:53,482
pull out all the toilets
and make it a kitchen.
70
00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:55,386
Same thing upstairs.
And in the master.
71
00:02:55,453 --> 00:02:57,223
So, we won't have any toilets?
72
00:02:57,290 --> 00:02:58,727
Well, sinks are
basically toilets.
73
00:02:58,793 --> 00:03:00,664
I mean, thâthey're both just
holes with water.
74
00:03:00,731 --> 00:03:02,233
But it feels different.
75
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:03,569
I can show you and you'll see
76
00:03:03,635 --> 00:03:05,139
there's a very
minimal difference.
77
00:03:05,206 --> 00:03:08,012
Uh, I just don't think I can go
to the bathroom in a sink.
78
00:03:08,078 --> 00:03:10,116
That's what everyone says
until they do it once.
79
00:03:10,182 --> 00:03:13,055
And then you realize they're
both just holes with water.
80
00:03:13,122 --> 00:03:15,559
- Why do you keep saying that?
- Because it's true.
81
00:03:15,626 --> 00:03:17,674
Now, let me walk you through
my thoughts on the garage.
82
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,367
You see where
that car is parked?
83
00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:21,405
Imagine that, all kitchen.
84
00:03:21,471 --> 00:03:23,575
âȘ Five front doors. âȘ
85
00:03:24,344 --> 00:03:25,947
So, the first thing I think
86
00:03:26,014 --> 00:03:28,585
when I look at this house is
"Not enough front doors."
87
00:03:28,653 --> 00:03:31,358
And before you ask,
this is in no way related
88
00:03:31,425 --> 00:03:33,696
to any OCD compulsion I have
89
00:03:33,763 --> 00:03:35,710
about needing doors
to correspond to each weekday.
90
00:03:35,734 --> 00:03:38,405
Now, let's go buy
some doors and big hammers.
91
00:03:38,472 --> 00:03:40,342
âȘ Five front doors. âȘ
92
00:03:40,409 --> 00:03:43,015
Okay, we got our doors
and big hammers.
93
00:03:43,082 --> 00:03:45,787
Now it's time for
my favorite part of every job:
94
00:03:45,854 --> 00:03:47,390
the demo.
95
00:03:47,457 --> 00:03:49,527
Are you sure Lois said
this is okay?
96
00:03:49,594 --> 00:03:51,074
Yeah, yeah, it's
five front doors, Cleveland.
97
00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:53,302
It makes sense.
All right, start on five:
98
00:03:53,368 --> 00:03:56,843
one, two, three, four, five!
99
00:03:56,909 --> 00:03:59,447
(grunting)
100
00:03:59,514 --> 00:04:01,551
What the hell
are you doing, Peter?!
101
00:04:01,618 --> 00:04:03,322
Five front doors, Lois!
102
00:04:03,388 --> 00:04:06,194
Damn it! Did you stop taking
your OCD meds?
103
00:04:06,261 --> 00:04:07,831
They don't make me
feel creative.
104
00:04:07,898 --> 00:04:09,501
Five front doors!
105
00:04:13,142 --> 00:04:16,481
Are you gonna at least fix
this huge hole in our wall?
106
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:17,718
I mean, we're one step away
107
00:04:17,784 --> 00:04:19,755
from being
a blueâtarpâonâtheâhouse family,
108
00:04:19,822 --> 00:04:22,226
and that's always been
my line in the sand.
109
00:04:22,293 --> 00:04:23,538
I'm gonna do
what all husbands do
110
00:04:23,562 --> 00:04:24,674
when they screw something up:
111
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,669
tuck my penis high
between my butt
112
00:04:26,736 --> 00:04:28,773
and hire a professional
to fix it for me.
113
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,011
I can't wait to own a house.
114
00:04:31,077 --> 00:04:33,248
âȘ
115
00:04:37,958 --> 00:04:40,496
(barking)
116
00:04:40,563 --> 00:04:41,799
Hey! This is my house!
117
00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:43,535
I'm gonna jump
forward but backwards
118
00:04:43,602 --> 00:04:45,306
to show you how serious I am!
119
00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:47,577
(growling)
120
00:04:48,980 --> 00:04:50,684
Oh, hi.
121
00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:53,355
If I knew my lap was
gonna have visitors,
122
00:04:53,422 --> 00:04:55,492
I would have changed
my rowing underwear.
123
00:04:55,559 --> 00:04:58,298
Rowing, huh?
What are you, the cox?
124
00:04:58,365 --> 00:05:01,371
âȘ
125
00:05:01,438 --> 00:05:03,242
Aw, she's so cute.
126
00:05:03,308 --> 00:05:04,510
Can I keep her?
127
00:05:04,577 --> 00:05:06,716
Ah, I don't know.
Can she set up a cutaway?
128
00:05:06,782 --> 00:05:07,516
(meows)
129
00:05:07,583 --> 00:05:09,454
Can I help you?
130
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,391
(meows)
131
00:05:11,458 --> 00:05:13,930
And just like that,
the Griffins have a cat.
132
00:05:21,044 --> 00:05:21,812
Morning, fam.
133
00:05:21,879 --> 00:05:25,352
What is that thing
still doing here?
134
00:05:25,419 --> 00:05:27,256
That thing's name is Pouncey.
135
00:05:27,323 --> 00:05:28,592
And she's my cat now.
136
00:05:28,660 --> 00:05:29,795
What do you think, Pounce?
137
00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:31,598
Want to split a can of tuna?
138
00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:33,936
One can of toon, Ma.
Keep the water.
139
00:05:34,003 --> 00:05:35,039
This suits her.
140
00:05:35,105 --> 00:05:36,642
But we're a dog family.
141
00:05:36,709 --> 00:05:38,412
You guys are okay with this?
142
00:05:38,478 --> 00:05:40,149
I stopped making decisions
for this family
143
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,420
when you bought that Roomba
to replace me.
144
00:05:42,486 --> 00:05:43,790
(chiming)
145
00:05:43,856 --> 00:05:45,492
(robotic voice):
Living room complete.
146
00:05:45,559 --> 00:05:46,829
Thank you, Roomba.
147
00:05:46,896 --> 00:05:48,800
You'll never be their mother!
148
00:05:48,866 --> 00:05:51,839
IâI just feel like I should have
been consulted on this decision
149
00:05:51,906 --> 00:05:54,444
to bring my natural enemy
into the house.
150
00:05:54,510 --> 00:05:55,780
They may seem like good pets,
151
00:05:55,847 --> 00:05:57,616
but they always have
ulterior motives.
152
00:05:57,684 --> 00:05:59,855
Well, I think having a cat
will be good for Meg.
153
00:05:59,922 --> 00:06:01,692
You'll get used to it, Brian.
154
00:06:01,759 --> 00:06:04,597
Just like I got used to
Peter's extra pinky finger.
155
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:07,503
To another 20 years
of marital bliss.
156
00:06:07,570 --> 00:06:09,574
Cheers, my love.
157
00:06:12,079 --> 00:06:13,916
Oh...
158
00:06:15,552 --> 00:06:18,125
(sniffs)
Ugh, that finger stinks.
159
00:06:18,191 --> 00:06:20,997
I'm still learning
to wipe with it, my love.
160
00:06:24,003 --> 00:06:25,740
(doorbell rings)
161
00:06:25,807 --> 00:06:27,610
What day is it?
Is it the Purge?
162
00:06:27,677 --> 00:06:29,347
That's not a real thing.
163
00:06:29,414 --> 00:06:31,618
All right,
then you answer the door.
164
00:06:31,685 --> 00:06:33,121
Chris, answer the door.
165
00:06:34,590 --> 00:06:36,695
Hello, Christopher.
May I come in?
166
00:06:36,762 --> 00:06:39,701
I don't know,
I'm just "a dumb kid."
167
00:06:39,768 --> 00:06:42,674
Or at least that's what I'm told
when I ask for fun things.
168
00:06:42,741 --> 00:06:44,076
I want a Zippo!
169
00:06:44,143 --> 00:06:45,412
You'll burn things.
170
00:06:45,479 --> 00:06:47,116
Yeah! I know!
171
00:06:48,986 --> 00:06:51,692
Cool, just put that
on my puzzle.
172
00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:53,763
I never liked this string bean.
173
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,499
What's going on, Quagmire?
174
00:06:55,566 --> 00:06:57,704
Before families can
officially adopt a cat,
175
00:06:57,771 --> 00:06:59,975
someone needs to make sure
the animal is being placed
176
00:07:00,042 --> 00:07:02,346
in a loving
and safe environment.
177
00:07:02,413 --> 00:07:03,649
That someone is me.
178
00:07:03,716 --> 00:07:06,154
Is this necessary? You know us.
179
00:07:06,221 --> 00:07:08,592
Good people can still be
bad cat owners, Lois.
180
00:07:08,659 --> 00:07:11,364
- Ever heard of Eric Hoernel?
- No.
181
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,468
Oh. Well, thatââ
that would have helped
182
00:07:13,535 --> 00:07:14,738
my point a little bit more.
183
00:07:14,805 --> 00:07:17,076
Before I begin,
may I see the cat?
184
00:07:18,211 --> 00:07:19,781
Hi, you.
185
00:07:19,848 --> 00:07:22,553
Oh... such a sweetheart.
186
00:07:22,620 --> 00:07:27,630
Oh. You. Are. Why.
I. Give. Up. My. Sundays.
187
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:29,701
(clears throat)
188
00:07:29,768 --> 00:07:31,805
Okay. Now I'm gonna walk
through the house
189
00:07:31,872 --> 00:07:33,743
and make sure
everything's catâfriendly.
190
00:07:33,809 --> 00:07:35,914
Okay, this is a problem
right here.
191
00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:38,184
Kind of in this whole area.
192
00:07:38,251 --> 00:07:40,690
Your front windows
are westâfacing. That's good.
193
00:07:40,757 --> 00:07:43,194
Will make for very cozy
afternoon sun naps.
194
00:07:43,261 --> 00:07:45,967
Still getting a pretty
bad vibe from over here.
195
00:07:46,034 --> 00:07:48,839
Lastly, catnip is
a Class B narcotic.
196
00:07:48,906 --> 00:07:51,511
It is a drug.
It is a drug.
197
00:07:51,578 --> 00:07:54,550
Yeah, we don'tââ we don't keep
any of that stuff around.
198
00:07:54,617 --> 00:07:56,621
Great. Adoption approved.
199
00:07:56,689 --> 00:07:58,826
(gasps)
Did you hear that, Pouncey?
200
00:07:58,893 --> 00:08:00,462
You're officially mine.
201
00:08:00,529 --> 00:08:01,932
Here are all
your adoption papers.
202
00:08:01,999 --> 00:08:04,203
It has everything you need
to know about owning a cat.
203
00:08:04,270 --> 00:08:06,809
Standard stuff like
what to feed 'em, local vets,
204
00:08:06,875 --> 00:08:08,746
toxoplasmosis, blah, blah, blah.
205
00:08:08,813 --> 00:08:10,950
Wait, what's toxoplasmosis?
206
00:08:11,017 --> 00:08:13,521
Oh, it's nothing. Just a
parasite found in cat feces.
207
00:08:13,588 --> 00:08:14,828
If it gets in your bloodstream,
208
00:08:14,891 --> 00:08:16,427
it can make people
a little crazy.
209
00:08:16,494 --> 00:08:17,773
It's really nothing
to worry about
210
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,533
unless you're an owner
like Eric Hoernel.
211
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,504
Again, we don't know who he is.
212
00:08:21,571 --> 00:08:23,608
Oh, right.
Well, he wasn't good.
213
00:08:23,676 --> 00:08:25,980
Anyway, congratulations.
214
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:29,721
Aah! Who put up this tripwire?!
215
00:08:29,788 --> 00:08:32,459
Puzzling, isn't it?
216
00:08:32,526 --> 00:08:34,731
âȘ
217
00:08:38,839 --> 00:08:40,810
(indistinct chatter)
218
00:08:40,877 --> 00:08:43,883
Welcome, everybody,
to this year's talent show.
219
00:08:43,949 --> 00:08:46,655
And to whomever wrote
"hot balls" on my forehead
220
00:08:46,722 --> 00:08:48,726
while I napped in my car,
I will find you.
221
00:08:48,793 --> 00:08:50,595
I will find you very soon.
222
00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:53,736
Our first performer today
is Meg Griffin.
223
00:08:55,338 --> 00:08:56,550
("Everybody, Everybody"
by Black Box playing)
224
00:08:56,574 --> 00:08:57,911
âȘ Meow âȘ
225
00:09:00,717 --> 00:09:01,852
âȘ Meow âȘ
226
00:09:03,723 --> 00:09:06,060
- âȘ Heh âȘ
- âȘ Meow... âȘ
227
00:09:08,565 --> 00:09:10,803
This is worse.
228
00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,652
Ah! Cat butt!
229
00:09:18,719 --> 00:09:21,457
What do I do? Where do I look?
What do I do?
230
00:09:21,524 --> 00:09:22,761
Oh, thank God.
231
00:09:22,827 --> 00:09:24,029
I almost looked right at it.
232
00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:25,900
Ah! I looked right at it!
233
00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:29,006
Oh, it looks like
a wornâout dartboard bull'sâeye!
234
00:09:29,073 --> 00:09:32,781
How was Michael Jackson
so into this?
235
00:09:37,991 --> 00:09:39,961
All right, nobody's home.
236
00:09:40,028 --> 00:09:42,166
Time to go down to the...
237
00:09:42,232 --> 00:09:43,803
Oh, hello.
238
00:09:43,869 --> 00:09:45,883
Look, I'mâI'm just trying
to go downstairs, all right?
239
00:09:45,907 --> 00:09:47,109
I don't want any trouble.
240
00:09:48,344 --> 00:09:50,182
Okay. Good talk.
241
00:09:52,754 --> 00:09:55,025
(chuckles) Having a hard time
getting a read
242
00:09:55,091 --> 00:09:57,329
on what you're gonna do here.
243
00:10:13,762 --> 00:10:14,965
(laughs)
244
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:17,502
Oh, my God,
I'm totally in your head.
245
00:10:17,569 --> 00:10:20,008
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
stop the clock, you can talk?
246
00:10:20,075 --> 00:10:22,747
Uh, yeah. All cats can talk.
247
00:10:22,814 --> 00:10:24,684
We just choose not to respond.
248
00:10:24,751 --> 00:10:26,153
To anything. Ever.
249
00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:28,358
So, you choose to be dicks?
250
00:10:28,424 --> 00:10:29,828
Yeah. It's hilarious.
251
00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:31,530
Humans are masochists, man.
252
00:10:31,597 --> 00:10:33,635
You should see how many toys
they've bought me.
253
00:10:33,702 --> 00:10:35,038
Haven't played with one.
254
00:10:35,105 --> 00:10:37,075
I just sit in the box.
255
00:10:37,142 --> 00:10:39,915
I knew you didn't really care
about this family or Meg.
256
00:10:39,981 --> 00:10:41,450
- So?
- So?
257
00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:43,130
Pets are supposed to care
about their owners.
258
00:10:43,154 --> 00:10:46,060
Cats aren't pets.
Humans are the pets.
259
00:10:46,127 --> 00:10:48,866
And I have big plans for Meg.
260
00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:51,003
Yeah?
Not if I expose you first.
261
00:10:51,070 --> 00:10:55,445
It's so cute how you still think
you're their favorite pet.
262
00:10:55,512 --> 00:10:57,951
You've been replaced, bub.
263
00:10:58,017 --> 00:10:59,821
I am still this family's dog,
264
00:10:59,888 --> 00:11:01,658
and I'm not gonna back down
to some cat.
265
00:11:01,725 --> 00:11:05,967
"Fate whispers to the dog, 'You
cannot withstand the storm.'
266
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,538
- The dog replies, 'I am...'" Ow.
- (screeches)
267
00:11:08,604 --> 00:11:11,645
- "The dog replies,
'I am the...'" Ow. - (screeches)
268
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,181
- "'I am the...'" Ow.
- (screeches)
269
00:11:13,247 --> 00:11:14,751
- "'I am the...'" Ow.
- (screeches)
270
00:11:14,818 --> 00:11:16,153
"'I am the...'" Ow.
271
00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:17,957
(laughing)
272
00:11:18,024 --> 00:11:21,364
Well, I'd say
this is a purrâfect
273
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,871
to spend a Friday night.
274
00:11:24,938 --> 00:11:27,042
Ooh, I'm gonna comment that.
275
00:11:27,109 --> 00:11:29,079
- (knocking on door)
- MAN: Hello, it's Instacart.
276
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:31,450
I have your $170 worth
of ice cream.
277
00:11:31,517 --> 00:11:34,958
Promo code: lonely.
278
00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:39,199
Stewie, I got to talk to you.
279
00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:41,103
Sure, what's up?
We were just reading.
280
00:11:41,170 --> 00:11:43,207
(gasps)
Kitty cat.
281
00:11:43,274 --> 00:11:44,778
That's what I wanted
to talk about.
282
00:11:44,844 --> 00:11:46,213
She's lying to everyone, Stewie.
283
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,984
Did you know she can talk?
284
00:11:48,051 --> 00:11:49,062
Yeah. We were just
discussing our book
285
00:11:49,086 --> 00:11:51,490
about Chinese communism
with Chairman Mayo.
286
00:11:51,557 --> 00:11:54,296
â(meows): Mao.
âYou're right, you're right. Sorry, sorry.
287
00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:56,033
No, I mean she can really talk.
288
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,705
She told me
that she is using the family
289
00:11:58,772 --> 00:12:00,508
for some kind of cat plan.
290
00:12:00,575 --> 00:12:02,947
Brian, have you been
watching flat Earth videos?
291
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,651
Those always
make you mistrustful.
292
00:12:04,717 --> 00:12:05,920
I'm serious, Stewie.
293
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,957
And there are actually
some flat Earth models
294
00:12:08,024 --> 00:12:09,264
that aren't completely idiotic.
295
00:12:09,326 --> 00:12:10,963
Look, I can't do this right now.
296
00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:12,900
We're pretty into our book
about Chairman Mayo.
297
00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:14,647
- (meows): Mao.
- (chuckles): Sorry, sorry.
298
00:12:14,671 --> 00:12:17,476
Get out of here, Brian,
you're messing me up.
299
00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:23,221
Meg, I need to talk to you
about Pouncey.
300
00:12:23,287 --> 00:12:25,191
It is my duty
as this family's dog
301
00:12:25,258 --> 00:12:27,095
to protect it
when I sense danger.
302
00:12:27,162 --> 00:12:29,099
And I sense danger with Pouncey.
303
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,003
Look, you may be our family dog,
304
00:12:31,070 --> 00:12:33,207
but you've never really
been my dog.
305
00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:35,813
I'm a punching bag
at school and at home.
306
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,785
And there were some days where
I could have really used a dog
307
00:12:38,852 --> 00:12:39,854
to help cheer me up.
308
00:12:39,921 --> 00:12:41,157
And where were you?
309
00:12:41,223 --> 00:12:43,261
Hanging out with Dad
orâor Chris or Stewie
310
00:12:43,327 --> 00:12:45,766
for your little
time travel adventures.
311
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,011
You know about the time machine?
312
00:12:47,035 --> 00:12:48,839
Yeah, my room's right next door.
313
00:12:48,906 --> 00:12:50,776
That thing's loud as (bleep).
314
00:12:50,843 --> 00:12:51,912
I have a new pet now.
315
00:12:51,978 --> 00:12:54,449
One that's there for me
when I need her.
316
00:12:54,516 --> 00:12:55,920
Unlike you.
317
00:12:55,986 --> 00:12:57,823
Okay. I see.
318
00:12:57,890 --> 00:12:59,794
(microwave chimes)
319
00:12:59,861 --> 00:13:01,865
You have a microwave
in your room?
320
00:13:01,932 --> 00:13:04,036
Yeah, I got tired
of people groaning
321
00:13:04,102 --> 00:13:05,505
every time I went
into the kitchen.
322
00:13:05,572 --> 00:13:08,745
Oh. You got, uh,
Redenbacher's up in there?
323
00:13:08,812 --> 00:13:10,081
- Yeah.
- Oh, word?
324
00:13:10,148 --> 00:13:12,285
Brian, stop trying
to sound young.
325
00:13:12,352 --> 00:13:13,922
(chuckles)
Okay, Booger.
326
00:13:13,989 --> 00:13:16,393
- (scoffs) Boomer.
- Boomer.
327
00:13:20,903 --> 00:13:23,040
(purring)
328
00:13:23,107 --> 00:13:25,411
You make me so happy, Pouncey.
329
00:13:27,215 --> 00:13:31,123
This is gonna sound weird,
but do you want to dance?
330
00:13:31,190 --> 00:13:34,196
("Good Man in a Bad Time"
by Ian Hunter playing)
331
00:13:40,508 --> 00:13:42,780
This is fun, right?
332
00:14:05,224 --> 00:14:08,297
Whoa, did this just get
super hot?
333
00:14:15,879 --> 00:14:19,219
You're mine now, Meg.
334
00:14:21,256 --> 00:14:22,827
Ow.
335
00:14:22,893 --> 00:14:24,831
I like "ow."
336
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,670
Hey. Whoa, weird.
337
00:14:27,737 --> 00:14:30,375
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm just cleaning my cleats.
338
00:14:34,984 --> 00:14:37,957
(gasps)
Cats, kittens and cats.
339
00:14:38,023 --> 00:14:40,395
Cat lady. Lots of plastic bags.
340
00:14:40,461 --> 00:14:43,033
Tissues inâin my sleeves.
Velcro sneakers.
341
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:44,937
Funny dish towels.
342
00:14:45,004 --> 00:14:47,342
(gasps, panting)
343
00:14:47,409 --> 00:14:49,045
Good.
344
00:14:49,112 --> 00:14:52,419
Come, Meg. It's time to go.
345
00:14:56,928 --> 00:14:58,865
Say goodbye to Meg.
346
00:15:01,103 --> 00:15:03,407
- (door opens, closes)
- Who's Ned?
347
00:15:09,186 --> 00:15:11,791
Knockâknock? Meg, you in there?
348
00:15:11,858 --> 00:15:15,631
Look, I just wanted to apologize
for the other day.
349
00:15:15,699 --> 00:15:17,469
Hello?
350
00:15:24,349 --> 00:15:26,553
What the hell does this say?
351
00:15:41,283 --> 00:15:44,857
- Oh, my God.
- QUAGMIRE: She left, didn't she?
352
00:15:44,924 --> 00:15:48,364
- Quagmire?
- I heard everything you were saying about Pouncey, Brian,
353
00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:50,234
and you were right
to be concerned.
354
00:15:50,301 --> 00:15:52,740
I knew it. Wait, how did you
hear everything I said?
355
00:15:52,806 --> 00:15:56,346
I put a catâcam in your house.
It was a repurposed showerâcam.
356
00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,217
It's standard cat adoption
procedure.
357
00:15:58,284 --> 00:16:00,154
- Is it? Really?
- Yep. Yep.
358
00:16:00,221 --> 00:16:01,533
- The agency knew about it?
- Yep.
359
00:16:01,557 --> 00:16:03,336
- Because it seems weird that...
- Let it go, you prude.
360
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,997
We're losing valuable time.
361
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:07,302
Sometimes cats do have
ulterior motives.
362
00:16:07,368 --> 00:16:09,172
Sometimes, when they find
the right person,
363
00:16:09,239 --> 00:16:11,043
they enslave them
to do their bidding
364
00:16:11,109 --> 00:16:12,312
for the rest of their lives.
365
00:16:12,378 --> 00:16:15,919
Someone to take care of all the
feral cats in a neighborhood.
366
00:16:15,986 --> 00:16:17,155
A crazy cat lady?
367
00:16:17,221 --> 00:16:18,992
- That's right.
- How do they do that?
368
00:16:19,059 --> 00:16:21,129
Their poop. Toxoplasmosis.
369
00:16:21,196 --> 00:16:23,067
It can make people act crazy.
370
00:16:23,133 --> 00:16:25,338
It's a real thing
discovered by this guy.
371
00:16:27,743 --> 00:16:29,212
Oh, dear God.
372
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:31,259
So what you're saying
is that everyone who likes cats
373
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:32,528
only likes them
because they literally
374
00:16:32,552 --> 00:16:34,255
have crap in their brain?
375
00:16:34,322 --> 00:16:36,226
- That's correct.
- And people who like dogs
376
00:16:36,293 --> 00:16:38,263
just like 'em
because they're chill as hell?
377
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:41,069
- That's correct.
- Wow, what a bulletproof fact.
378
00:16:41,136 --> 00:16:42,472
There's still time to save Meg.
379
00:16:42,538 --> 00:16:45,111
There's a big house on
the loneliest block in Quahog.
380
00:16:45,177 --> 00:16:47,181
You can find her there.
But go quick.
381
00:16:47,248 --> 00:16:50,321
Once she puts on the fuzzy
sweater, it's too late.
382
00:16:50,388 --> 00:16:51,724
You're not gonna come with me?
383
00:16:51,791 --> 00:16:53,795
I can't.
384
00:16:55,131 --> 00:16:57,502
â(gasps) âThey have me, too.
385
00:16:57,568 --> 00:17:00,374
(crying):
Go, Brian, get out of here.
386
00:17:01,778 --> 00:17:04,717
âȘ
387
00:17:31,369 --> 00:17:33,407
I'll be right back.
388
00:17:33,474 --> 00:17:36,446
I'm gonna save our Meg.
389
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,417
(door opens, closes)
390
00:17:38,484 --> 00:17:40,722
Who the hell is Ned?
391
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:45,699
(cats mewing)
392
00:17:47,502 --> 00:17:49,439
You're doing great, Meg.
393
00:17:49,506 --> 00:17:51,978
Yeah, I feel good.
Like I belong here.
394
00:17:52,044 --> 00:17:55,384
- Will I get used to the...?
- You'll get used to the smell, yes.
395
00:17:57,188 --> 00:18:00,227
Let her go. Ooh, oh, it stinks.
396
00:18:00,294 --> 00:18:01,596
It's too late, Brian.
397
00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:04,670
Years of ridicule and neglect
have brought me here.
398
00:18:04,737 --> 00:18:06,841
This is my destiny.
399
00:18:06,908 --> 00:18:10,381
Yes, it is.
She needs us and we need her.
400
00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:12,686
And I'm not gonna let you
get in the way.
401
00:18:12,753 --> 00:18:14,155
(hisses)
402
00:18:14,222 --> 00:18:16,426
- (cats yowling)
- (Brian grunting)
403
00:18:24,275 --> 00:18:26,313
(coins clinking)
404
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,590
(screeches)
405
00:18:32,625 --> 00:18:33,627
(grunts)
406
00:18:35,164 --> 00:18:37,669
(screeching)
407
00:18:40,274 --> 00:18:41,476
(shouts)
408
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,569
(screeches)
409
00:19:01,884 --> 00:19:04,723
(grunting)
410
00:19:22,391 --> 00:19:26,767
Now I'm gonna make you watch
as you lose her forever.
411
00:19:32,178 --> 00:19:33,513
Midnight.
412
00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:35,417
Not a sound from the pavement.
413
00:19:35,484 --> 00:19:37,455
- What?
- It's from Cats, you idiot.
414
00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:39,525
- Oh, word?
- MEG: Brian.
415
00:19:39,592 --> 00:19:42,431
Meg, you have your whole life
ahead of you.
416
00:19:42,498 --> 00:19:44,670
Cats are amazing.
417
00:19:44,737 --> 00:19:46,539
But they're also complete dicks.
418
00:19:46,606 --> 00:19:48,945
And you're too young
to give it all up for them.
419
00:19:49,012 --> 00:19:52,251
You have a family and a dog
who care about you.
420
00:19:52,318 --> 00:19:54,690
I don't. I have nothing.
421
00:19:54,757 --> 00:19:58,163
I should be the cat lady.
Give me the sweater.
422
00:20:03,206 --> 00:20:04,308
Quagmire, no.
423
00:20:04,375 --> 00:20:07,148
It's okay, Brian.
I'm already gone.
424
00:20:08,985 --> 00:20:11,189
(cats mewing)
425
00:20:11,256 --> 00:20:15,899
âȘ Look, a new day âȘ
426
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:18,971
âȘ Has begun. âȘ
427
00:20:31,362 --> 00:20:33,734
Looks like you were right
about cats, Brian.
428
00:20:33,801 --> 00:20:35,839
I'm sorry I didn't
listen to you.
429
00:20:35,905 --> 00:20:37,308
You're a good dog.
430
00:20:37,374 --> 00:20:39,646
No, I haven't been
a very good dog to you.
431
00:20:39,713 --> 00:20:41,583
But that's gonna change.
432
00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:45,792
Starting now, I'm gonna be
the best darn dog I can be.
433
00:20:48,898 --> 00:20:50,702
Me and the peanut butter
are heading up.
434
00:20:50,768 --> 00:20:52,438
See you in seven minutes.
435
00:20:52,505 --> 00:20:53,674
(sighs)
436
00:20:53,741 --> 00:20:55,845
Chunky's kind of
a weird choice, yeah?
437
00:20:55,912 --> 00:20:58,651
- Yep.
- Should I pause Hawaii FiveâO?
438
00:20:58,718 --> 00:21:00,822
Nah, just watch it
but don't delete it.
439
00:21:00,872 --> 00:21:05,422
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