Original subtitles

♪

Woman: Ferydoon, there you are.

Come on, honey, we're gonna be late for Disneyland.

I can't find my name.

It should be here.

There's Felix and Fern.

Oh, well, honey, it looks like

they're missing a lot of names.

There's Niki, Nicki with a "c,"

Nicky with a "y," Nikki with two k's.

Shut up, Niki!

Your name has way too many spellings.

-It's greedy. -Ferydoon!

Hey, family. What's going on?

Ferydoon can't find a license plate with his name on it.

Oh, Ferydoon joon.

Your Uncle Hamid doesn't have a license plate either,

but that's good.

That's what makes us special.

♪

This is my name now.

♪

Chad.

♪

[ Singing along to Persian song ]

♪

Did you not eat the lunch I made you?

It was lamb stew.

Yeah, sorry, Hamid.

Lamb stew wasn't really the vibe I was on today.

Mm, okay, Chaddy,

I feel you.

♪

Hello, Mother, I need new shoes.

It's an emergency.

What? No. I just got you those from Costco.

Mom, how the heck am I supposed to become

a professional social-media influencer

when I'm skipping around town in this crap?

I mean, are you raising a young boy

or a young Filipino male nurse?

The shoes are cool. What's wrong with them?

What's wrong with them is they're not the shoes

of a black millionaire.

I need the new LeBron James's.

Please! I'm begging you.

I just want what every other American boy has,

and what they all have is the new LeBron James's!

Stop calling them LeBron James's.

They're just called LeBrons.

Dumbass.

[ Sighs ]

This conversation is over.

Mom, this is not the Middle East!

Things are complicated here in America!

Psst! Chad! Chad!

Why are you whispering?

Shh! I'm being sneaky.

I'll take you to buy the sneakers.

You will? Of course.

It's important for a young Persian man to peacock.

I remember when I was your age,

I would wear a beautiful silk robe

that flowed very below my navel

like J. Lo's famous green dress.

Okay, well, that is truly a jarring image, Hamid,

but thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Chad: Oh, this line is so long.

We've been here like an hour.

Good thing I packed my road chai.

Chai?

Hamid, you can't just talk to random strangers like that.

He's not a stranger.

He's sharing a line with us.

No, that -- that is literally

the definition of a stranger.

Would it be okay

if we just try to blend more in public?

I will try.

Oh, man, look at this line. Yo, Chad!

Oh, my God, Reid.

Reid?

Just be no-- please just be normal.

Hey, uh, mind if we cut in with you guys?

Come on in to my space, guys.

Look at these big, beautiful boys.

-Jesus. -Chad, is this your dad?

I'm his Uncle Hamid,

and you must be the famous Reid.

Chad has given detailed physical descriptions

-of all of you. -No, what?

No. Yeah.

I [chuckles nervously] don't really know

what he's talking about.

I think he's confused. He's not from here.

Oh, are you visiting America?

Well, in a sense.

I feel like I did on my first day here.

I love it.

I get to live with my relatives,

I go to the hookah bar every day.

Whoa, hookah every day?!

Damn, dawg, drop the invite.

You got it, my doggie. Okay.

God, he's laughing at you, Hamid.

Listen, I think it could be really good for me

to do this on my own, so...

do you mind waiting outside for me?

Of course, my boy. I understand.

You want to hang with your big-shot friends.

Here, take my credit card.

Make memories for a lifetime.

Hamid. Thank you.

It's okay.

Guys, I'm leaving.

Reid, I'm leaving.

Joey. Joey's on his phone.

Reid, tell Joey I'm leaving.

No one needs to know that you're leaving.

♪

Take a wild guess why I'm here.

The LeBrons.

Can I get a size 7?

Yeah, let me see.

Lucky you, only a few of these left.

Awesome.

You guys.

N-Now we all have them.

That's for you.

Are you Mr. Hamid Poursheikhani?

Oh, no, I'm Chad.

Ha-- Hamid's my uncle.

Alright, Chad, well, your uncle's

got to be here if you want to use it.

H-He's just right outside.

I can go grab him real quick.

No, man, if you step out of line,

you're gonna lose your place.

Oh, dude, you didn't pre-order?

Shoot.

Well, hey, good luck, man.

But thanks again.

Dude, that sucks.

Oh, sir, can --

can you just please find it in your little ol' heart

to make a special exception just this once? I --

I'm sorry, rules are rules.

I don't make 'em.

Please.

Next customer.

Hey.

Shoes!

I can't believe we lost the shoes.

I'm gonna make it up to you, Chad, I promise.

This hookah bar is like the headquarters

for the local Persian community.

They will have the hookup.

How's a hookah bar gonna help us get the LeBrons?

Just watch and learn, baby boy.

What?

Hey, fellows, look who I brought.

Guys, this is the famous Chad.

Bah-bah-bah-bah! Chaddy joon!

Mm! Mm! Mm! What is this?

[ Speaks in Persian ]

Alright. I don't know how to kiss a man.

[ Speaks in Persian ]

I'm Farhad.

We've heard so much about you, man.

I can't believe I'm meeting you in person.

Yeah, I guess I talk about you a lot.

You do?

Farhad: Of course, nothing else. How's Peter?

They're -- They're looped in about Peter?

Of course. Whoa.

Wish we could hang out, guys,

but we're here on official business.

We've got to find Chad

a pair of the new LeBron sneakers.

-Mm. -Um, here's a picture of them.

I need to get these.

Ooh, these are nice.

Lamborghini quality.

-Farhad. -Oh.

Who was that black-market guy

who sold Ervin his nice Gucci fanny pack?

Oh, yeah, his name is Pasha.

Do you think he might have the LeBrons?

Pasha's got it all, but he's a man who works in the shadows.

I could make an introduction, though.

No, I wouldn't want to impose.

[ Speaks in Persian ]

Are you kidding?

For you, man, anything.

You're the man.

Farhad joon. [ Speaks in Persian ]

Wait, wait, we're just all gonna go

to the black-market criminal's house together?

Yeah. Mohsen, come on, you're coming, too.

What? Why is Mohsen coming?

What's a road trip without Mohsen?

The guy's a bundle of fun.

He hasn't even talked.

Bah-bah-bah-bah!

[ Persian song playing ]

♪

Hey, uh, we've been seriously driving forever, you guys.

Where does this person live?

Come on, relax, man.

The drive is the fun part.

Yeah.

Hey, Chad, you know,

your Uncle Hamid and I go way back.

We were in the Iranian army together.

Oh, my gosh, you were in the army, Hamid?

It's not a big deal.

Everyone had to do it.

Don't listen to him.

This man is a hero.

We got hit by a rocket.

Eh! He carried me to safety.

Bah. What?

It was just like "The Bodyguard,"

and I felt I'm like that singer.

-What was her name? -Whitney Houston?

Whitney Houston!

[ Both laughing ]

He was carrying me.

Stop the car! Pull over!

-What is it? -Look.

Oh, my God, it's beautiful.

Wow.

It's a goddamn mini fridge, you guys.

I know.

Who would leave a perfectly good mini fridge on the highway?

It's trash.

It's literal trash on the side of the road.

Chad, it's a free fridge on the road.

Are we not going to take it?

I feel like we're having two different conversations.

You guys, under no condition are we bringing

that broken-ass mini fridge into this ca--

♪

[ Cellphone chimes ]

It's Pasha.

Can you read this?

He -- He says he only has one pair left

and we better hurry.

Ah, I say let's stop for lunch.

I could eat. Yeah.

What? No, you guys, the scary

black-market guy said we need to hurry!

Chad, relax, we're on Persian Standard Time.

Pasha will understand.

Besides, Mohsen is getting hangry.

Mm-hmm.

He's literally the happiest man

I've ever seen in my entire life.

See? What I tell you?

Guys, look, guys!

A truck!

Hey, man!

Do this! What?

Do this!

[ Horn honks ]

What? No, no.

Do this!

[ Horn honks ]

Why does he keep honking his horn?

This guy doesn't get it.

Come on, do this! Do this!

-What are you doing?

-Do this! -That?

Yeah! He did it!

Thank you!

Great! Thank you, my friend!

What the hell was that?

Why are you guys screaming right now?

We're screaming because we're happy!

Join us!

-Whoo! -Whoo!

[ Laughter ]

Did you guys watch YouTube last night?

It was crazy."Watch YouTube"?

There was the funniest video.

Chad, this big dog is in a cardboard box.

Chad. Chad. [ Snapping fingers ]

Yeah, no, I'm listening.

Okay, where was I?

Oh, okay, so the owner walks in.

Mohsen, Chad, Farhad, okay.

We're -- We're all listening and looking at you, Hamid!

Just land the plane!

What did the freakin' big dog do?!

Whoa, Chad, baby.

Why are you so worried?

You're the coolest person I've ever met.

And now you are going to have the coolest shoes ever.

Look around you. Life is good.

You should be dancing.

Hamid, bezan.

Okay, brother!

Boom! Come on.

No, wait, please don't do this.

[ Persian music playing ] No, please, please, please.

Get your ass up here.

Come on.

Come on, Chaddy!

Spice it up!

We have to get the shoes!

What are you guys...

Come on, here, I'll help you.

Okay, okay, I'm dancing, I'm dancing.

♪

-Okay. -Lamborghini, baby.

Uh-oh, where did Chad go?

All I see is a bright, shining George Clooney!

No, I'm not George Clooney.

-Yes, you are. -Yes, you are.

Hamid: C-looney! C-looney!

C-looney, oh, yeah!

Look at him.

Oh, my God, I love it!

Mohsen! Whoo-hoo!

Chad: Even Mohsen's doing it.

Yeah, Mohsen! Okay, Mohsen!

[ All chanting "Mohsen!" ]

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

This is the place.

[ Intercom buzzes ]

Hey, Pasha? It's Farhad.

Pasha: You're late.[ Gate buzzes ]

Is anyone else incredibly scared?

[ Indistinct conversations in distance ]

Hello? Pasha?

♪

[ Indistinct conversations continue ]

♪

-Hey! -Ah!

Farhad, what the hell?

You were supposed to be here an hour ago,

and who the hell are all these people?

Hey, it's cool, man.

These are my friends.

This is Mohsen, Hamid, and Chad.

That wasn't part of the deal.

Stay right there.

♪

Okay, so, he's going to get a gun to kill us.

We should probably go. -I kind of agree with Chad.

I'm getting total "kill us" energy.

Eh, maybe we should go.

Thank goodness I just went to the farmers' market.

What kind of a host would I be if I didn't have snacks?

-Oh. -Yay!

My goodness, they look so delicious.

Please, please, sit, sit.

Mi casa is my house.

Yo. -Huh?

Does someone want hookah? -Of course, damet garm.

Tight.

Hey, b-before we, like, fully Persian out,

can we just get those LeBrons?

Little dude gets right to the point.

♪

I respect that.

You clearly have good taste in sneakers,

and I'm gonna hook you up with some swag to match.

Thank you.

♪

Are these the shoes?

These are the shoes.

-These are the shoes! -These are the shoes!

We did it!

Yeah! Oh, my gosh!

-Oh, Farhad! -What do we do now?

We are gonna watch your goddamn life change.

♪ Uh

♪ Lamb talk, unh, yeah, lamb talk ♪

♪ Lamborghini

♪ Lamb talk, unh, yeah, lamb talk ♪

-♪ Lambo -♪ Lamb talk

-♪ Huh -♪ Lamb talk

-♪ Yeah -♪ Lamb talk

[ School bell rings ]

Yeah. It feels nice.

-They look so good. -Keep them untucked, though.

Yeah, I kinda want to keep them untucked.

Hey, hey.

Who's got the new LeBrons and a big dick?

All of us.

Oh, cool, you got them.

Um, yeah. I got -- I got the shoes.

-Nice. -Man, did he?

I'm -- I'm pretty sure those are fakes.

Shut up. What?

I mean, I'm pretty sure those aren't --

those aren't real ones.

Those are cool, though. -Uh-oh.

I think Joey needs to get his eyes checked out.

Hope it's not cancer, man.

No, I-I actually think you're right.

The laces seem to be a little different than ours.

-Mm. -Yeah.

And the swoosh looks a little off.

-Yeah. -Oh.

Reid: Yeah, you got a mad tiny swoosh,

-like a little baby swoosh. -A micro-swoosh.

-It's a little swoosh. -It's kinda cute.

They're honestly exactly your shoes.

Joey: Not quite. Not quite.

They're -- They're close, though.

Did -- Did you get those at the same store

that we got them from, or...

-Yeah. -Yeah, they sold you fakes.

Yeah, you should -take them back. -I will.

I'm gonna storm in with a big old attitude about it.

Shoot.

Reid: We're not trying to make you feel bad.

They're just clearly very different from ours.

But that's okay. That's fine.

I'll see -- I'll see you guys later.

Yeah, no, just keep them turned until Christmas...

♪

[ Hits sink ]

[ Crying ]

Stupid.

♪

Shoot.

Crap!

I hate you!

♪

Hey, how'd it go?

Chad?

♪

[ Engine starts ]

What happened? Where are your shoes?

I threw them away.

They're fakes.

What does this mean, "fakes"?

It means they were off.

I should have never trusted you in the first place.

Okay, so then the shoes were off.

Who cares? I do, Hamid.

How many times do I have to tell you

I just want to fit in, be like everybody else?

And you're making it impossible

'cause you're s--

you're just so Persian!

But, Chaddy joon, you're Persian.

We're Persian.

No, I'm not.

I like American things,

like swimming pools and peanut butter sandwiches

with the crusts cut off.

Stop trying to make me something different

and just stay away from me, please.

You're embarrassing.

Okay, Chad.

I understand.

♪

♪

Great.

Can't wait to see what kind of Middle Eastern

world arts and culture cuisine

I'm eating today.

Oh, God. Hamid.

♪

Peter.

Peter.

Sorry, I was just listening to some affirmations.

Turns out I'm strong. What's up?

Did you know Hamid was in the army in Iran?

Really?

Wow.

Just when you think you know him,

he hits you with another unexpected chapter.

How long has he lived here?

I don't know.

Hamid is such an ally.

Peter, get ready to meet

some really specific middle-aged men.

[ Sighs ]

Psst.

Hey, Chad, if you're here for the mini fridge,

Mohsen already called dibs.

Oh, I-I swear to you,

that is not what I'm here for.

Hello, I-I'm Peter.

Holy shit, Peter.

I always thought you'd have braces.

Get in here.

Well, here's a fun fact -- I actually used to.

Oh.

Don't worry, Chad.

I'm honoring your wishes and keeping my distance.

Hamid, I am really sorry for what I said

in my little rage spiral.

I didn't mean it.

The truth is, I'm really happy

you're a big part of my life.

It is an honor.

And that breaks my heart.

That also doesn't mean

that fitting in doesn't matter, either.

Sometimes, foreign people, by no fault of their own,

legitimately get their ass handed to them.

I totally know what you're talking about.

I-I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Hamid, will you drive me to school tomorrow?

Yes. Yes.

A thousand times, yes.

-Lamborghini, baby! -Whoo!

Yeah!

-Chad. -Chad.

Look at Mohsen trying to get a selfie.

Peter. Peter, he loves you.

Come on, Mohsen.

Oh, you gotta flip the camera, Mohsen.

[ Man singing in Persian ]

♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0