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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,682 --> 00:00:09,002 This programme contains adult humour. 2 00:00:17,722 --> 00:00:19,921 TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS 3 00:00:19,922 --> 00:00:22,161 All right? I'm Jolly Boy John. 4 00:00:22,071 --> 00:00:25,551 Jolly Boy John pointing at his granny's pet turtle is For Real. 5 00:00:27,406 --> 00:00:29,885 Jolly Boy John wearing his granny's tights on his heid 6 00:00:29,785 --> 00:00:32,384 and asking her pet turtle some hard questions is For Real. 7 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:35,519 Here, how come your ma managed to get pregnant with you 8 00:00:35,389 --> 00:00:37,548 while your da was in the jail, ya mad turtle? 9 00:00:37,461 --> 00:00:40,860 What you going about with a cosh for, ya mad turtle? 10 00:00:40,723 --> 00:00:43,442 Mad turtle! Mad turtle! Mad turtle! Get Real! 11 00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:45,572 Jolly Boy John pouring all his granny's false teeth 12 00:00:45,482 --> 00:00:48,081 down the legs of her tights and swinging them round his heid 13 00:00:47,977 --> 00:00:50,856 and wearing a bikini made of her three pet turtles is For Real. 14 00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:53,099 I'm dressing like my granny with a turtle over my fanny 15 00:00:53,005 --> 00:00:57,324 Oh! Dressing like my granny with a turtle over my fanny, yo! 16 00:00:57,150 --> 00:00:58,269 For Real! 17 00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:00,703 Mad, mad turtle, turtle, turtle, turtle! 18 00:01:00,604 --> 00:01:03,323 Charlie Nicholas, Chris Kamara, Jeff Stelling, 19 00:01:03,213 --> 00:01:04,572 you're on that football 20 00:01:04,518 --> 00:01:08,037 trying to be as For Real as Jolly Boy John...Get Real! 21 00:01:07,896 --> 00:01:10,375 Mad Turtle! 22 00:01:10,275 --> 00:01:15,554 Right, you, Toshan, remember what the match commander told us. 23 00:01:15,341 --> 00:01:17,980 Nae watching the game. 24 00:01:17,874 --> 00:01:20,953 Eyes on the crowd at all times, like quality polis. 25 00:01:20,829 --> 00:01:24,108 Nae watching Burnistoun United tanking your lot, McGregor. 26 00:01:23,976 --> 00:01:25,295 Nae watching United City 27 00:01:25,243 --> 00:01:27,962 putting all your airy-fairy wee players on their arses. 28 00:01:27,853 --> 00:01:30,572 None o' that. Quality polis. 29 00:01:30,463 --> 00:01:32,182 Quality polis. 30 00:01:32,113 --> 00:01:34,313 CROWD ROARS 31 00:01:39,789 --> 00:01:42,668 Eyes on the crowd, on the crowd! 32 00:01:42,552 --> 00:01:44,552 Eyes skelped on the crowd a belter! 33 00:01:49,575 --> 00:01:52,374 Right, that's it. I'm gonnae...eh... 34 00:01:52,262 --> 00:01:55,381 I'm gonnae check there's nae violence 35 00:01:55,255 --> 00:01:57,814 happening on the field, right? 36 00:01:57,712 --> 00:02:00,791 Yes! Yes! Off you go! 37 00:02:00,667 --> 00:02:03,666 Off you go, you dirty bastard! 38 00:02:03,545 --> 00:02:05,265 Yes! Yes! 39 00:02:08,381 --> 00:02:10,620 Your team are gonnae get pumped now, 40 00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:12,649 cos you've just had a guy sent off. 41 00:02:12,564 --> 00:02:14,483 I hate your lot! I hate them! 42 00:02:14,406 --> 00:02:16,006 I hate yours! 43 00:02:19,664 --> 00:02:21,703 Aw, there he is, eh?! 44 00:02:21,622 --> 00:02:24,621 The quality goalie, eh? 45 00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:27,100 Toshan, give this HERO his ball back. 46 00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,765 HE SPRAYS PEPPER AND GOALIE SCREAMS 47 00:02:32,675 --> 00:02:34,754 I never touched him or nothin'! Get off! 48 00:02:34,671 --> 00:02:36,670 That was play-acting, sure it was?! 49 00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:38,508 - Toshan! - Ho! 50 00:02:38,432 --> 00:02:40,991 Gaffer, you'll need to send down the horses. 51 00:02:40,888 --> 00:02:43,288 That's another riot on the go. 52 00:02:44,189 --> 00:02:46,348 Aye, it was a sending off. 53 00:02:46,261 --> 00:02:47,700 Aye, it was a sending off! 54 00:02:47,643 --> 00:02:50,602 You're a United fan an' all? I'll tell you what then, 55 00:02:50,483 --> 00:02:53,202 Your team are shite! 56 00:02:53,092 --> 00:02:54,691 Yis are shite! 57 00:02:54,628 --> 00:02:57,227 You come doon here and say that to my face! 58 00:02:57,122 --> 00:02:59,442 Come and say that to my face, you rat, you! 59 00:03:06,717 --> 00:03:09,877 Get your hands off us, ya horrors! 60 00:03:17,885 --> 00:03:21,644 There are special offers on sharp sand at B&Q, 61 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:26,052 and there are SPECIAL OFFERS on sharp sand at B&Q. 62 00:03:25,868 --> 00:03:28,828 And then there's me... 63 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,599 Ahhh! 64 00:03:36,499 --> 00:03:41,138 I had no idea my muscles were so tense. 65 00:03:40,951 --> 00:03:42,070 Ahhh! 66 00:03:42,026 --> 00:03:43,386 Aw, I just feel so relaxed! 67 00:03:47,015 --> 00:03:49,494 Would you like a happy ending? 68 00:03:49,394 --> 00:03:53,393 I would love a happy ending. 69 00:03:53,232 --> 00:03:55,392 Well, just turn over onto your back. 70 00:04:02,366 --> 00:04:06,125 You were separated in care as young children 71 00:04:05,974 --> 00:04:08,453 when your mother abandoned you after your father's death. 72 00:04:08,354 --> 00:04:11,033 His adopted family moved to Australia 73 00:04:10,925 --> 00:04:15,924 and you haven't seen or heard from each other in over thirty years. 74 00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:17,642 It's your brother, Craig! 75 00:04:21,287 --> 00:04:24,046 I can't believe it's you! 76 00:04:23,935 --> 00:04:26,135 And it's your mother, Morag! 77 00:04:27,428 --> 00:04:30,628 My boys, my boys! I'm so sorry! 78 00:04:32,264 --> 00:04:35,863 Oh, your stauner looks just like your Dad's used to! 79 00:04:35,718 --> 00:04:39,078 He'd have been so proud of you, son! 80 00:04:41,129 --> 00:04:49,009 Burnistoun, I want to sing to y'all tonight. Hit me! 81 00:04:56,634 --> 00:05:02,233 Baby, baby 82 00:05:02,007 --> 00:05:08,086 I want to touch you and hold you tight... 83 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,640 Wahh! 84 00:05:10,528 --> 00:05:16,007 Baby, baby 85 00:05:15,785 --> 00:05:23,504 I want to hold you and squeeze you just right 86 00:05:23,193 --> 00:05:25,513 HE WINCES 87 00:05:37,661 --> 00:05:39,541 HE MUMBLES 88 00:05:47,793 --> 00:05:49,912 I'm sorry, baby 89 00:05:49,828 --> 00:05:52,787 Just remembered about death for a moment there 90 00:05:52,668 --> 00:05:57,147 Baby 91 00:05:56,966 --> 00:05:59,885 I love you 92 00:05:59,768 --> 00:06:02,727 I love you... 93 00:06:02,608 --> 00:06:04,088 Whoo! 94 00:06:07,252 --> 00:06:09,372 Buy it! 95 00:06:11,090 --> 00:06:12,529 Buy it! 96 00:06:12,471 --> 00:06:13,830 Buy what? 97 00:06:13,776 --> 00:06:15,896 I drive one of these myself. Just buy it! 98 00:06:19,264 --> 00:06:21,383 I hope Paul's giving you the red carpet treatment 99 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,697 because if he's not, I'll butcher his ear lobes! 100 00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:25,641 THEY MAKE FIGHTING NOISES 101 00:06:35,076 --> 00:06:37,675 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 102 00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:39,490 I actually drive one of these myself. 103 00:06:39,413 --> 00:06:41,692 I just bought a new car! 104 00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:44,240 New, schmoo, yer maw buzzes glue! Buy it! 105 00:06:44,134 --> 00:06:45,613 - Buy it! - Buy it! 106 00:06:45,554 --> 00:06:46,713 - Buy it! - Buy it! 107 00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,466 - Bleurgh! - Bleurgh! 108 00:06:48,394 --> 00:06:50,113 - Bleurgh! - Bleurgh! 109 00:06:50,044 --> 00:06:51,163 - Bleurgh! - Bleurgh! 110 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,238 - Bleurgh! - Bleurgh! 111 00:06:52,193 --> 00:06:53,432 All right! 112 00:06:53,383 --> 00:06:55,262 Waaahhh! I assume you'll be wanting 113 00:06:55,187 --> 00:07:00,146 the tip-top-toppety of the r-r-r-ray-ray-range? 114 00:06:59,946 --> 00:07:02,945 - Top! - Toppetty! - Top! 115 00:07:02,824 --> 00:07:03,903 - Top! - Toppetty! - Top! 116 00:07:03,861 --> 00:07:06,660 Top-top-top....TOOOOOOP! 117 00:07:06,547 --> 00:07:11,626 - TOOOOOOOP! - Top! Top! Top! Top! 118 00:07:11,421 --> 00:07:13,580 - TOOOOOOOP! - Top! Top! Top! Top! 119 00:07:13,494 --> 00:07:14,973 - All right! - Yes! 120 00:07:14,914 --> 00:07:17,233 HE SOBS 121 00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:19,700 THEY SING CELEBRATORY SONG 122 00:07:22,513 --> 00:07:24,713 DRAMATIC MUSIC 123 00:07:26,197 --> 00:07:28,956 See the next time you have a fish supper 124 00:07:28,845 --> 00:07:30,845 and you find a black chip? 125 00:07:32,376 --> 00:07:34,056 That's a government chip! 126 00:07:36,866 --> 00:07:39,066 HE PANTS 127 00:07:41,050 --> 00:07:42,730 Keep your eyes open! 128 00:07:45,463 --> 00:07:48,543 GAMES CONSOLE CONTROLLERS CLICK 129 00:07:58,973 --> 00:08:01,332 - HE SNIGGERS - Aw naw! 130 00:08:01,237 --> 00:08:03,356 Here's Marky boy coming again! 131 00:08:03,271 --> 00:08:04,950 THEY GROAN AND SIGH 132 00:08:04,883 --> 00:08:06,642 Who's Marky boy? 133 00:08:06,572 --> 00:08:09,331 Our mate. He used to be all right, 134 00:08:09,220 --> 00:08:13,379 but he took something at a party one night and had a bad trip. 135 00:08:13,211 --> 00:08:14,810 It's totally messed him up. 136 00:08:14,747 --> 00:08:16,586 He thought he was taking an ecstasy 137 00:08:16,512 --> 00:08:18,711 but he ended up taking one of they Thatcher pills. 138 00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:21,422 Now half the people that took them think they're Maggie Thatcher. 139 00:08:21,309 --> 00:08:23,869 Maggie Thatcher? 140 00:08:25,454 --> 00:08:27,173 All right, boys? 141 00:08:27,105 --> 00:08:29,144 All right, Marky? 142 00:08:29,062 --> 00:08:32,661 Marky, this is DO. DO, Marky. 143 00:08:32,516 --> 00:08:33,996 All right mate? 144 00:08:34,934 --> 00:08:38,013 Diego? Sounds a wee bit Argentinian to me, mate. 145 00:08:37,889 --> 00:08:39,688 Where you fae? 146 00:08:39,616 --> 00:08:41,215 Burnistoun. 147 00:08:41,151 --> 00:08:43,711 You'd better be, mate. You'd better be. Do you know who I am? 148 00:08:45,028 --> 00:08:48,107 I'm Maggie Thatcher, mate. 149 00:08:47,983 --> 00:08:49,502 I'm your Prime Minister! 150 00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:52,720 Right, Marky, sit down. Don't start your shite. 151 00:08:52,588 --> 00:08:54,627 Sorry, man. Sorry. 152 00:08:54,546 --> 00:08:57,985 I've been getting my heid nipped about shipyards all day, man. 153 00:08:57,846 --> 00:09:00,765 I'll tell you, see by the time I'm done with the Scottish, 154 00:09:00,648 --> 00:09:01,888 they'll no forget me. 155 00:09:04,562 --> 00:09:06,202 Where d'ye stay? 156 00:09:08,208 --> 00:09:09,407 Faulkner Drive. 157 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,039 The Falkland Islands?! 158 00:09:10,972 --> 00:09:14,011 You want to try and claim the Falkland Islands?! 159 00:09:13,889 --> 00:09:15,688 You and me, square go the now, Maradona! 160 00:09:15,616 --> 00:09:18,455 I'll get the navy to torpedo your wee fat tadger for you! 161 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:22,499 Do you think I'm just gonnae take this? 162 00:09:22,332 --> 00:09:25,651 You've got some brass neck coming here to Ten Downing Street 163 00:09:25,517 --> 00:09:31,196 to square up to the Iron Lady, Nigel Lawson and Norman Tebbitt! 164 00:09:30,967 --> 00:09:32,886 Listen mate, we were all having a good time 165 00:09:32,809 --> 00:09:34,288 before you walked in that door, 166 00:09:34,229 --> 00:09:38,988 so why don't you turn yoursel' back around and walk back oot? 167 00:09:38,796 --> 00:09:43,875 Listen, the lady's not for turning, ya fanny! 168 00:09:43,671 --> 00:09:47,350 The lady's not for turning. 169 00:09:47,201 --> 00:09:50,640 I think what my Right Honourable Friend is trying to say here 170 00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:54,222 is that we all have everything we need to have a good time, right? 171 00:10:05,124 --> 00:10:07,243 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 172 00:10:07,159 --> 00:10:09,398 My ma's not wanting us drinking up here, Mark. 173 00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:13,548 Tell your ma to shut it or I'll shut down that factory she works in. 174 00:10:14,873 --> 00:10:16,872 I'm playing the winner. 175 00:10:16,792 --> 00:10:21,271 Oh-ho-ho! It's a magnificent strike! 176 00:10:21,090 --> 00:10:22,769 Miners' strike?! 177 00:10:22,702 --> 00:10:26,061 Right, come here you, ya mad Scargill! 178 00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:30,205 There's the Hand of God, Diego! Ya wee prick! 179 00:10:30,032 --> 00:10:33,071 The wee man came into the side over the past few weeks. 180 00:10:32,949 --> 00:10:33,988 He's done great. 181 00:10:33,947 --> 00:10:36,826 We saw his potential in training from the start of the season, 182 00:10:36,710 --> 00:10:40,469 and at 17, he's only going to get better. 183 00:10:40,318 --> 00:10:43,997 So John, would you do the honour of presenting him 184 00:10:43,849 --> 00:10:48,208 with the Richie Stroke Burnistoun Butcher Man of the Match? 185 00:10:48,032 --> 00:10:50,991 Ho! Ho! 186 00:10:50,872 --> 00:10:56,271 It's against the law to supply an under-ager with drink, sure it is! 187 00:10:56,053 --> 00:11:00,053 I'm going to have to take you down to the station, pal! Know that way? 188 00:11:02,616 --> 00:11:06,776 And that is getting taxed an' all, ya diving wee dick! 189 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,399 Oh-ho-ho! There he is, eh? 190 00:11:15,281 --> 00:11:20,920 Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho! 191 00:11:20,693 --> 00:11:22,732 Tommy, Tommy, gis a wave 192 00:11:22,650 --> 00:11:24,529 Tommy, gis a wave 193 00:11:24,454 --> 00:11:27,253 Tommy, Tommy, gis a wave. 194 00:11:27,140 --> 00:11:29,299 Yas! 195 00:11:29,213 --> 00:11:31,492 Ah, brilliant, man, brilliant! 196 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,319 The wee man came into the side over the last few weeks. He's done great. 197 00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:38,560 We saw his potential in training...when we sneaked in... 198 00:11:38,424 --> 00:11:41,063 from the start of the season, and at seventeen, 199 00:11:40,957 --> 00:11:43,436 he's only going to get better. 200 00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:47,496 Just wondering, eh, any more police going to invade my interview? 201 00:11:51,089 --> 00:11:53,128 One of us, or one of them? 202 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,685 They're all one of them, big man. 203 00:11:54,620 --> 00:11:57,980 Aye, too right. 204 00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:03,734 I'll tell ye something, don't (BLEEP) ever offer me that again! 205 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,719 Peppered! HE SPRAYS PEPPER 206 00:12:06,594 --> 00:12:09,233 REPORTER SCREAMS AND COUGHS 207 00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:11,647 Quality polis! 208 00:12:19,451 --> 00:12:21,370 Let me see you dance 209 00:12:21,293 --> 00:12:23,412 Let me see you dance 210 00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:24,926 Let me see you dance 211 00:12:24,862 --> 00:12:26,621 Let me see you dance, y'all 212 00:12:26,551 --> 00:12:29,630 Let me see you dance... 213 00:12:29,506 --> 00:12:33,225 Now I want everybody on their feet for this one 214 00:12:33,075 --> 00:12:34,474 Let me see you dance 215 00:12:34,419 --> 00:12:36,858 Let me see you dance... 216 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,199 Everybody, everybody! 217 00:12:38,141 --> 00:12:40,380 Nah, I'm all right 218 00:12:40,291 --> 00:12:42,730 Let me see you dance... 219 00:12:42,632 --> 00:12:44,391 C'mon! 220 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,799 All right! 221 00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:46,820 Let me see you dance... 222 00:12:50,730 --> 00:12:53,889 And I don't want to see no stepping from side to side dance either. 223 00:12:53,762 --> 00:12:57,001 I want to see some real dancing in here tonight, y'all. 224 00:12:56,870 --> 00:13:00,389 Turn the house lights on. 225 00:13:00,248 --> 00:13:02,608 I want to see my people dancing. 226 00:13:07,616 --> 00:13:10,655 Stop the music. 227 00:13:10,533 --> 00:13:12,452 But everybody keep dancing. 228 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,735 But I want y'all to dance in silence. 229 00:13:19,936 --> 00:13:22,375 Now I want all my band off the stage. 230 00:13:22,277 --> 00:13:23,477 Thank you, guys. 231 00:13:24,810 --> 00:13:27,009 But everybody keep dancing. 232 00:13:26,921 --> 00:13:29,320 Keep dancing. 233 00:13:29,224 --> 00:13:30,743 Let me see you dance. 234 00:13:30,682 --> 00:13:34,522 Now I'm going to choose one of y'all from the audience tonight. 235 00:13:37,091 --> 00:13:38,530 You. 236 00:13:38,473 --> 00:13:41,152 The guy with the mustard sweater on. 237 00:13:41,044 --> 00:13:44,803 The guy looking at the floor, with the mustard sweater on. 238 00:13:44,652 --> 00:13:46,851 Let me see you dance. 239 00:13:46,763 --> 00:13:48,762 Yeah! 240 00:13:48,682 --> 00:13:51,561 Now I want everybody to stop dancing, 241 00:13:51,445 --> 00:13:55,085 everybody except this guy, and watch this guy dance. 242 00:13:57,356 --> 00:13:59,436 Let everybody see you dance. 243 00:14:01,999 --> 00:14:05,678 All right. Now I want everybody to leave now 244 00:14:05,530 --> 00:14:07,369 except this guy. 245 00:14:07,296 --> 00:14:10,015 You've been a wonderful audience. Goodnight! 246 00:14:09,905 --> 00:14:12,544 You keep dancing. 247 00:14:12,438 --> 00:14:14,557 Let me see you dance. 248 00:14:14,473 --> 00:14:16,913 Let me see you dance. 249 00:14:25,295 --> 00:14:27,815 Let me see you dance. 250 00:14:34,545 --> 00:14:36,704 Decent wee pub this, in't it? 251 00:14:36,617 --> 00:14:37,976 Aye. 252 00:14:37,922 --> 00:14:40,121 Have you noticed anything, but? 253 00:14:40,033 --> 00:14:41,432 What? 254 00:14:41,376 --> 00:14:44,656 Look at all the punters in here. 255 00:14:51,930 --> 00:14:54,929 - Ancient. - Is this an old man's pub? 256 00:14:54,809 --> 00:14:56,488 Is this a smelly old granda's pub? 257 00:14:56,421 --> 00:14:59,700 - Ho, barman! - Barman! 258 00:14:59,568 --> 00:15:02,127 - What is it? - Is this an old man's pub, barman? 259 00:15:02,024 --> 00:15:04,943 Do we look like a couple of old granda's staunin' here, barman? 260 00:15:04,826 --> 00:15:07,625 Do we look like a couple of pishy old granda's here, barman? 261 00:15:07,512 --> 00:15:10,111 Naw. It's just a pub. 262 00:15:10,007 --> 00:15:12,406 Here, auld yin! 263 00:15:12,310 --> 00:15:14,869 - Aye? - Can you hear me, auld yin? 264 00:15:14,766 --> 00:15:17,525 Will we speak up a bit for ye, auld yin? 265 00:15:17,414 --> 00:15:20,533 - Turn up your hearing aid, auld yin! - I can hear ye. 266 00:15:20,408 --> 00:15:21,967 Is this an auld man's pub? 267 00:15:21,904 --> 00:15:24,783 Are we like a couple of smelly auld pishy men in here, auld yin? 268 00:15:24,668 --> 00:15:27,427 Can ye hear us? I'm sayin'... 269 00:15:27,316 --> 00:15:28,835 I can hear ye. 270 00:15:28,774 --> 00:15:31,013 Is this an auld coffin-dodgers' pub? 271 00:15:30,923 --> 00:15:35,642 Do we look like we're wearing yellow stained trousers in here, auld yin? 272 00:15:35,452 --> 00:15:37,571 This is just a family pub. 273 00:15:37,486 --> 00:15:43,045 Aw, it's just for families, is it, eh? 274 00:15:42,821 --> 00:15:47,900 Is that you judging us because we're in a same-sex relationship? 275 00:15:47,695 --> 00:15:52,214 Typical auld man's pub, auld man's prejudice. 276 00:15:52,032 --> 00:15:53,991 C'mon Joe - up the road. 277 00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:57,512 - Up the road now! - Up the road. - Up the road. 278 00:15:58,978 --> 00:16:02,057 - Up the road. - Up the road now! 279 00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:04,614 - Up the road, Joe. - Up the road now, up the road. 280 00:16:07,652 --> 00:16:10,451 - Up the road now! - Up the road. - Up the road. 281 00:16:10,339 --> 00:16:12,059 Up the road! 282 00:16:13,678 --> 00:16:15,078 - Up the road! - Up the road! 283 00:16:18,513 --> 00:16:21,792 Here, mate. See the next time you're posting a letter, 284 00:16:21,660 --> 00:16:23,419 have a listen at that slot. 285 00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:28,068 See if you hear beeping or somebody complaining about their working conditions, 286 00:16:27,878 --> 00:16:30,037 that's a government postbox. 287 00:16:29,950 --> 00:16:32,070 DRAMATIC MUSIC 288 00:16:34,402 --> 00:16:36,082 Keep your eyes open. 289 00:16:57,238 --> 00:16:59,397 All right, Peter? 290 00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:00,670 Aye. 291 00:17:41,834 --> 00:17:44,753 All right, I'll go hame and put my trainers on. 292 00:17:44,636 --> 00:17:46,116 Sake! 293 00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:52,294 CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK 294 00:17:57,301 --> 00:17:58,941 Aagh! 295 00:18:00,832 --> 00:18:03,472 This'll do for my maw's hall. 296 00:18:15,185 --> 00:18:16,624 What can I get you? 297 00:18:16,567 --> 00:18:19,526 Double cheeseburger meal, please. With a banana milkshake. 298 00:18:19,407 --> 00:18:21,246 Anything else? 299 00:18:21,173 --> 00:18:25,332 Big Tasty meal. Er, large, with a Diet Coke. 300 00:18:25,164 --> 00:18:26,644 Anything else? 301 00:18:29,424 --> 00:18:31,264 Anything else? 302 00:18:33,914 --> 00:18:37,113 - Anything else? - No! 303 00:18:36,985 --> 00:18:38,625 Anything else? 304 00:18:43,279 --> 00:18:44,919 Anything else? 305 00:18:45,965 --> 00:18:49,284 Sorry, I just remembered about death there. 306 00:18:49,151 --> 00:18:52,030 Mozzarella dippers as well, please. And an apple pie. 307 00:18:51,914 --> 00:18:53,154 That's all. 308 00:18:54,409 --> 00:18:57,249 - Pay at the next window. - Hey. 309 00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:15,927 Trainers! 310 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,572 HE SIGHS 311 00:19:33,479 --> 00:19:35,598 What you want to do today, mate? 312 00:19:35,513 --> 00:19:38,032 Don't know, mate. What do you want to do? 313 00:19:37,930 --> 00:19:42,529 - I'm no' fussed, mate. It's up to you. - I'm quite happy with whatever. 314 00:19:42,344 --> 00:19:46,103 - Naw, honestly, you decide. - Naw, why don't you decide? 315 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,431 How can you no' decide? 316 00:19:47,372 --> 00:19:49,731 Cos I'm no' bothered. You decide. 317 00:19:49,636 --> 00:19:51,795 I'm no bothered either, mate. Whatever. 318 00:19:51,709 --> 00:19:54,468 Don't "whatever" me, mate. You decide. 319 00:19:54,357 --> 00:19:55,956 I don't care, mate. 320 00:19:55,892 --> 00:19:59,531 I don't care either, mate. So you decide, ya joke! 321 00:19:59,384 --> 00:20:00,743 You're the joke, mate. 322 00:20:00,689 --> 00:20:03,088 You're the one that can't decide what he wants to do. 323 00:20:02,992 --> 00:20:06,792 Well, maybe I don't want to do anything, mate! 324 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:12,188 I was only asking you what you what you wanted to do, all right? 325 00:20:12,049 --> 00:20:13,648 So decide! 326 00:20:13,585 --> 00:20:15,624 You decide. 327 00:20:15,542 --> 00:20:16,661 NAW! 328 00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:19,375 DECI-I-I-I-DE! 329 00:20:19,265 --> 00:20:21,744 NAW! 330 00:20:21,644 --> 00:20:24,563 DECI-I-I-I-DE! 331 00:20:24,446 --> 00:20:28,525 Here's what I want to do today, mate, all right? 332 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,359 I would love to go to your funeral, mate, 333 00:20:31,239 --> 00:20:35,478 I'd carry the coffin up the stairs to that crematorium myself. 334 00:20:35,307 --> 00:20:37,826 I'd have a wee party hat on, mate, and I'd be singing 335 00:20:37,725 --> 00:20:41,204 Do-do-do-do dah-dah-dah-dah 336 00:20:41,064 --> 00:20:45,983 It's a celebration This bastard's getting burnt! 337 00:20:45,784 --> 00:20:48,463 I'll tell you what I want to do today, mate. 338 00:20:48,356 --> 00:20:52,115 I would love to get cremated, mate. 339 00:20:51,963 --> 00:20:56,682 BURN ME! BURN ME! 340 00:20:56,492 --> 00:20:59,211 And when they put me into that fiery furnace, 341 00:20:59,102 --> 00:21:02,101 I'll reach out with my hand and I'll grab your neck 342 00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:05,939 and I'll pull ye in beside me, mate. 343 00:21:05,780 --> 00:21:10,979 AND WE'LL BOTH BURN TOGETHER! 344 00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,968 Well, here is what I want to do today, mate. 345 00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:16,878 I would love for you to pull me into that furnace, mate, 346 00:21:16,756 --> 00:21:20,835 and then I'd jump out, a big fireball with legs, 347 00:21:20,671 --> 00:21:23,910 and I'd climb over your maw and your sisters 348 00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:26,459 and with all that hairspray they wear, mate, 349 00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:30,150 they would go up like a row of big fat fireworks! 350 00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:33,396 BOOM! POW! OOH! AAH! 351 00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:36,658 Your whole family deid! 352 00:21:36,521 --> 00:21:39,520 Every single person that loves you, mate! 353 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,879 Deid! 354 00:21:40,820 --> 00:21:45,859 Every single memory of your existence on this planet, mate, 355 00:21:45,656 --> 00:21:49,095 extinguished. 356 00:21:48,956 --> 00:21:51,596 I HATE YOU! 357 00:21:54,598 --> 00:21:58,597 I don't suppose you'll be wanting to go for a run in the new van 358 00:21:58,436 --> 00:21:59,836 I bought for us. 359 00:22:10,257 --> 00:22:13,896 Palsmobile, mate. 360 00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:16,468 Palsmobile. 361 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:19,118 Pals only. 362 00:22:19,007 --> 00:22:21,167 HE SNIFFS 363 00:22:28,026 --> 00:22:29,585 Hello. 364 00:22:29,523 --> 00:22:32,762 Get yer dugs up on their feecht 365 00:22:32,632 --> 00:22:35,152 for Herry McLoudery. 366 00:22:37,659 --> 00:22:42,218 The nicht went the braw ken tak alang a' way 367 00:22:42,034 --> 00:22:45,793 And the quine went the nicht wi' the drum an' scatch 368 00:22:45,642 --> 00:22:49,521 And awa', and awa' and it eywis wis awa' 369 00:22:49,365 --> 00:22:52,965 And the model's dating Benedict Cumberbatch. 370 00:22:57,539 --> 00:23:02,338 Right. Yer mam wants me to learn you the family trade cos you're a rocket 371 00:23:02,145 --> 00:23:05,344 and your superstar DJ lifestyle's gettin' you nowhere. 372 00:23:05,215 --> 00:23:08,134 This guy's supposed to pay me two grand a week ago. 373 00:23:08,017 --> 00:23:10,496 So we'll act like I'm no here. 374 00:23:10,396 --> 00:23:14,235 You go in, demand the money. I'll watch, see how you get on. 375 00:23:14,081 --> 00:23:16,400 Get in there, show him your stuff. 376 00:23:16,307 --> 00:23:17,667 I'm on it. 377 00:23:22,217 --> 00:23:24,456 Show him my stuff. 378 00:23:24,366 --> 00:23:26,246 Show him my stuff. 379 00:23:30,430 --> 00:23:33,229 - What do you want? - Show us your muff. 380 00:23:33,117 --> 00:23:35,676 - What? - I mean, show us your fanny. 381 00:23:35,573 --> 00:23:39,412 I mean, gie me the stuff, ya fanny. 382 00:23:39,257 --> 00:23:42,736 - Who are you? - I'm DJ Bertie Booster. 383 00:23:42,596 --> 00:23:45,475 I mean, I'm Uncle Gary's nephew. 384 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:48,359 DJ Bertie Booster's my showbiz name. 385 00:23:48,238 --> 00:23:49,917 Well, listen, wee man. 386 00:23:49,850 --> 00:23:54,490 We'll boost ye out that window there if you don't piss off. 387 00:23:57,334 --> 00:24:00,253 That's fair do's, that's quality feedback. I'll just... 388 00:24:00,136 --> 00:24:01,695 What's that? 389 00:24:01,632 --> 00:24:05,551 I just think the guy's maybe a wee bit short on cash, right, 390 00:24:05,393 --> 00:24:09,952 - and if we let him save up... - You want people to think they can bump me outta dough? 391 00:24:09,769 --> 00:24:11,209 Get back in there. 392 00:24:14,105 --> 00:24:17,665 Nobody bumps my uncle outta dough... 393 00:24:19,363 --> 00:24:22,122 I am gonnae pump your uncle in his hole! 394 00:24:22,012 --> 00:24:24,611 What you talking aboot? 395 00:24:24,506 --> 00:24:26,905 Look, tell you what. Geez us a tenner now, right? 396 00:24:26,809 --> 00:24:29,688 How about I stick this tumbler up your arse 397 00:24:29,572 --> 00:24:33,731 - and pour you a pint of my shoes? - I don't know what that really means 398 00:24:33,564 --> 00:24:36,283 but I'll just go anyway in case it happens 399 00:24:36,173 --> 00:24:37,813 and I don't like it. 400 00:24:39,819 --> 00:24:42,378 - It's a work-in-progress. - We're no' negotiating here! 401 00:24:42,276 --> 00:24:44,275 Stop shoutin' at us, Uncle Gary, 402 00:24:44,195 --> 00:24:48,194 - or I'll pour a pint of arse on your shoes. - What?! 403 00:24:48,032 --> 00:24:49,391 I never said anything. 404 00:24:49,337 --> 00:24:52,736 Listen.... 405 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,199 "I'm fae Gary Riley. I want his money." 406 00:24:55,094 --> 00:24:58,574 And then break something if you need to. Get in there. 407 00:25:00,621 --> 00:25:02,661 Right.... 408 00:25:09,141 --> 00:25:13,301 Looks like we've had a little accident. 409 00:25:14,245 --> 00:25:17,724 I'm here for Gary Riley. Gie me his money. 410 00:25:17,584 --> 00:25:19,903 Listen, wee man, I don't know you fae Adam. 411 00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:24,849 So if Gary Riley wants his money, tell him to send somebody I know. 412 00:25:24,646 --> 00:25:28,925 What if I prove to you that I'm Gary Riley's nephew? 413 00:25:28,753 --> 00:25:31,032 And how would you do that? 414 00:25:30,940 --> 00:25:33,899 I'll tell you something only a family member would know. 415 00:25:33,780 --> 00:25:35,419 Go, then. 416 00:25:35,354 --> 00:25:37,234 Right. Right. 417 00:25:38,194 --> 00:25:41,113 When I was a wee boy, Uncle Gary took me to Blackpool 418 00:25:40,995 --> 00:25:43,314 and we went on the Grand National. 419 00:25:43,221 --> 00:25:47,900 He had a bad hangover and when we went over the fastest bump, 420 00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:49,431 he shat himself. 421 00:25:49,362 --> 00:25:51,641 MEN LAUGH 422 00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:54,350 What, yous don't believe me? Uncle Gary? 423 00:25:56,539 --> 00:25:57,659 Uncle Gary? 424 00:26:00,607 --> 00:26:05,286 Looking for a Friday night DJ? 425 00:26:05,097 --> 00:26:06,897 Fair do's. 426 00:26:10,969 --> 00:26:12,448 And what will you be putting 427 00:26:12,389 --> 00:26:15,348 into the Burnistoun Winter Gardens time capsule? 428 00:26:15,229 --> 00:26:17,028 I'm going to put in this Ben 10 toy 429 00:26:16,957 --> 00:26:19,236 so that Burnistoun children of the future 430 00:26:19,144 --> 00:26:22,504 will know what boys played with in the year 2012. 431 00:26:25,630 --> 00:26:28,509 I'm putting in this CD, 432 00:26:28,393 --> 00:26:31,913 because it's the music that's meant the most to me in 2012. 433 00:26:35,455 --> 00:26:38,574 Well, I think that's everybody. So we'll... 434 00:26:38,449 --> 00:26:41,809 MAN CLEARS THROAT I've got something. 435 00:26:43,822 --> 00:26:47,221 I'm putting in this sawn-off shotgun 436 00:26:47,084 --> 00:26:50,163 so that the polis cannae trace... 437 00:26:50,039 --> 00:26:55,038 so that the polis of the future can have a better understanding 438 00:26:54,837 --> 00:27:00,637 of how I robbed...how criminals robbed post offices in the past. 439 00:27:03,702 --> 00:27:07,261 Right. I... 440 00:27:07,118 --> 00:27:10,957 I'll put in this machete, so the Burnistoun children of the future 441 00:27:10,802 --> 00:27:13,641 know that hitmen sent up from London to do you in 442 00:27:13,527 --> 00:27:15,566 need to be dealt with in a brutal manner 443 00:27:15,484 --> 00:27:18,964 to send the message to the Burnistoun boys... 444 00:27:20,282 --> 00:27:24,962 So children of the future understand what a good machete looks like. 445 00:27:28,994 --> 00:27:32,913 If we could maybe not have any more weapons going into the time capsule, 446 00:27:32,755 --> 00:27:35,555 it's not really the kind of... 447 00:28:44,523 --> 00:28:47,563 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 448 00:28:47,613 --> 00:28:52,163 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 32995

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