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This programme contains adult humour.
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TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
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All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.
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Jolly Boy John pointing at his granny's pet turtle is For Real.
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Jolly Boy John wearing his granny's tights on his heid
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and asking her pet turtle some hard questions is For Real.
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Here, how come your ma managed to get pregnant with you
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while your da was in the jail, ya mad turtle?
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What you going about with a cosh for, ya mad turtle?
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Mad turtle! Mad turtle! Mad turtle! Get Real!
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Jolly Boy John pouring all his granny's false teeth
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down the legs of her tights and swinging them round his heid
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and wearing a bikini made of her three pet turtles is For Real.
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I'm dressing like my granny with a turtle over my fanny
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Oh! Dressing like my granny with a turtle over my fanny, yo!
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For Real!
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Mad, mad turtle, turtle, turtle, turtle!
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Charlie Nicholas, Chris Kamara, Jeff Stelling,
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you're on that football
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trying to be as For Real as Jolly Boy John...Get Real!
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Mad Turtle!
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Right, you, Toshan, remember what the match commander told us.
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Nae watching the game.
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Eyes on the crowd at all times, like quality polis.
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Nae watching Burnistoun United tanking your lot, McGregor.
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Nae watching United City
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putting all your airy-fairy wee players on their arses.
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None o' that. Quality polis.
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Quality polis.
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CROWD ROARS
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Eyes on the crowd, on the crowd!
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Eyes skelped on the crowd a belter!
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Right, that's it. I'm gonnae...eh...
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I'm gonnae check there's nae violence
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happening on the field, right?
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Yes! Yes! Off you go!
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Off you go, you dirty bastard!
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Yes! Yes!
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Your team are gonnae get pumped now,
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cos you've just had a guy sent off.
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I hate your lot! I hate them!
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I hate yours!
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Aw, there he is, eh?!
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The quality goalie, eh?
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Toshan, give this HERO his ball back.
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HE SPRAYS PEPPER AND GOALIE SCREAMS
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I never touched him or nothin'! Get off!
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That was play-acting, sure it was?!
49
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- Toshan!
- Ho!
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Gaffer, you'll need to send down the horses.
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That's another riot on the go.
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Aye, it was a sending off.
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Aye, it was a sending off!
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You're a United fan an' all? I'll tell you what then,
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Your team are shite!
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Yis are shite!
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You come doon here and say that to my face!
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Come and say that to my face, you rat, you!
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Get your hands off us, ya horrors!
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There are special offers on sharp sand at B&Q,
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and there are SPECIAL OFFERS on sharp sand at B&Q.
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And then there's me...
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Ahhh!
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I had no idea my muscles were so tense.
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Ahhh!
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Aw, I just feel so relaxed!
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Would you like a happy ending?
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I would love a happy ending.
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Well, just turn over onto your back.
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You were separated in care as young children
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when your mother abandoned you after your father's death.
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His adopted family moved to Australia
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and you haven't seen or heard from each other in over thirty years.
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It's your brother, Craig!
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I can't believe it's you!
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And it's your mother, Morag!
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My boys, my boys! I'm so sorry!
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Oh, your stauner looks just like your Dad's used to!
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He'd have been so proud of you, son!
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Burnistoun, I want to sing to y'all tonight. Hit me!
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Baby, baby
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I want to touch you and hold you tight...
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Wahh!
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Baby, baby
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I want to hold you and squeeze you just right
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HE WINCES
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HE MUMBLES
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I'm sorry, baby
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Just remembered about death for a moment there
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Baby
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I love you
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I love you...
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Whoo!
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Buy it!
95
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Buy it!
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00:06:12,471 --> 00:06:13,830
Buy what?
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I drive one of these myself. Just buy it!
98
00:06:19,264 --> 00:06:21,383
I hope Paul's giving you the red carpet treatment
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because if he's not, I'll butcher his ear lobes!
100
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THEY MAKE FIGHTING NOISES
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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I actually drive one of these myself.
103
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I just bought a new car!
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New, schmoo, yer maw buzzes glue! Buy it!
105
00:06:44,134 --> 00:06:45,613
- Buy it!
- Buy it!
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- Buy it!
- Buy it!
107
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,466
- Bleurgh!
- Bleurgh!
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- Bleurgh!
- Bleurgh!
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- Bleurgh!
- Bleurgh!
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- Bleurgh!
- Bleurgh!
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All right!
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Waaahhh! I assume you'll be wanting
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the tip-top-toppety of the r-r-r-ray-ray-range?
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- Top!
- Toppetty! - Top!
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- Top!
- Toppetty! - Top!
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Top-top-top....TOOOOOOP!
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- TOOOOOOOP!
- Top! Top! Top! Top!
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- TOOOOOOOP!
- Top! Top! Top! Top!
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- All right!
- Yes!
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HE SOBS
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THEY SING CELEBRATORY SONG
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DRAMATIC MUSIC
123
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See the next time you have a fish supper
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and you find a black chip?
125
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That's a government chip!
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HE PANTS
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Keep your eyes open!
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GAMES CONSOLE CONTROLLERS CLICK
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- HE SNIGGERS
- Aw naw!
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00:08:01,237 --> 00:08:03,356
Here's Marky boy coming again!
131
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THEY GROAN AND SIGH
132
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Who's Marky boy?
133
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Our mate. He used to be all right,
134
00:08:09,220 --> 00:08:13,379
but he took something at a party one night and had a bad trip.
135
00:08:13,211 --> 00:08:14,810
It's totally messed him up.
136
00:08:14,747 --> 00:08:16,586
He thought he was taking an ecstasy
137
00:08:16,512 --> 00:08:18,711
but he ended up taking one of they Thatcher pills.
138
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:21,422
Now half the people that took them think they're Maggie Thatcher.
139
00:08:21,309 --> 00:08:23,869
Maggie Thatcher?
140
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All right, boys?
141
00:08:27,105 --> 00:08:29,144
All right, Marky?
142
00:08:29,062 --> 00:08:32,661
Marky, this is DO. DO, Marky.
143
00:08:32,516 --> 00:08:33,996
All right mate?
144
00:08:34,934 --> 00:08:38,013
Diego? Sounds a wee bit Argentinian to me, mate.
145
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Where you fae?
146
00:08:39,616 --> 00:08:41,215
Burnistoun.
147
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You'd better be, mate. You'd better be. Do you know who I am?
148
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I'm Maggie Thatcher, mate.
149
00:08:47,983 --> 00:08:49,502
I'm your Prime Minister!
150
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:52,720
Right, Marky, sit down. Don't start your shite.
151
00:08:52,588 --> 00:08:54,627
Sorry, man. Sorry.
152
00:08:54,546 --> 00:08:57,985
I've been getting my heid nipped about shipyards all day, man.
153
00:08:57,846 --> 00:09:00,765
I'll tell you, see by the time I'm done with the Scottish,
154
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they'll no forget me.
155
00:09:04,562 --> 00:09:06,202
Where d'ye stay?
156
00:09:08,208 --> 00:09:09,407
Faulkner Drive.
157
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,039
The Falkland Islands?!
158
00:09:10,972 --> 00:09:14,011
You want to try and claim the Falkland Islands?!
159
00:09:13,889 --> 00:09:15,688
You and me, square go the now, Maradona!
160
00:09:15,616 --> 00:09:18,455
I'll get the navy to torpedo your wee fat tadger for you!
161
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:22,499
Do you think I'm just gonnae take this?
162
00:09:22,332 --> 00:09:25,651
You've got some brass neck coming here to Ten Downing Street
163
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to square up to the Iron Lady, Nigel Lawson and Norman Tebbitt!
164
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Listen mate, we were all having a good time
165
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before you walked in that door,
166
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so why don't you turn yoursel' back around and walk back oot?
167
00:09:38,796 --> 00:09:43,875
Listen, the lady's not for turning, ya fanny!
168
00:09:43,671 --> 00:09:47,350
The lady's not for turning.
169
00:09:47,201 --> 00:09:50,640
I think what my Right Honourable Friend is trying to say here
170
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is that we all have everything we need to have a good time, right?
171
00:10:05,124 --> 00:10:07,243
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
172
00:10:07,159 --> 00:10:09,398
My ma's not wanting us drinking up here, Mark.
173
00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:13,548
Tell your ma to shut it or I'll shut down that factory she works in.
174
00:10:14,873 --> 00:10:16,872
I'm playing the winner.
175
00:10:16,792 --> 00:10:21,271
Oh-ho-ho! It's a magnificent strike!
176
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Miners' strike?!
177
00:10:22,702 --> 00:10:26,061
Right, come here you, ya mad Scargill!
178
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:30,205
There's the Hand of God, Diego! Ya wee prick!
179
00:10:30,032 --> 00:10:33,071
The wee man came into the side over the past few weeks.
180
00:10:32,949 --> 00:10:33,988
He's done great.
181
00:10:33,947 --> 00:10:36,826
We saw his potential in training from the start of the season,
182
00:10:36,710 --> 00:10:40,469
and at 17, he's only going to get better.
183
00:10:40,318 --> 00:10:43,997
So John, would you do the honour of presenting him
184
00:10:43,849 --> 00:10:48,208
with the Richie Stroke Burnistoun Butcher Man of the Match?
185
00:10:48,032 --> 00:10:50,991
Ho! Ho!
186
00:10:50,872 --> 00:10:56,271
It's against the law to supply an under-ager with drink, sure it is!
187
00:10:56,053 --> 00:11:00,053
I'm going to have to take you down to the station, pal! Know that way?
188
00:11:02,616 --> 00:11:06,776
And that is getting taxed an' all, ya diving wee dick!
189
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,399
Oh-ho-ho! There he is, eh?
190
00:11:15,281 --> 00:11:20,920
Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho!
191
00:11:20,693 --> 00:11:22,732
Tommy, Tommy, gis a wave
192
00:11:22,650 --> 00:11:24,529
Tommy, gis a wave
193
00:11:24,454 --> 00:11:27,253
Tommy, Tommy, gis a wave.
194
00:11:27,140 --> 00:11:29,299
Yas!
195
00:11:29,213 --> 00:11:31,492
Ah, brilliant, man, brilliant!
196
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,319
The wee man came into the side over the last few weeks. He's done great.
197
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:38,560
We saw his potential in training...when we sneaked in...
198
00:11:38,424 --> 00:11:41,063
from the start of the season, and at seventeen,
199
00:11:40,957 --> 00:11:43,436
he's only going to get better.
200
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:47,496
Just wondering, eh, any more police going to invade my interview?
201
00:11:51,089 --> 00:11:53,128
One of us, or one of them?
202
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,685
They're all one of them, big man.
203
00:11:54,620 --> 00:11:57,980
Aye, too right.
204
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:03,734
I'll tell ye something, don't (BLEEP) ever offer me that again!
205
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,719
Peppered! HE SPRAYS PEPPER
206
00:12:06,594 --> 00:12:09,233
REPORTER SCREAMS AND COUGHS
207
00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:11,647
Quality polis!
208
00:12:19,451 --> 00:12:21,370
Let me see you dance
209
00:12:21,293 --> 00:12:23,412
Let me see you dance
210
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:24,926
Let me see you dance
211
00:12:24,862 --> 00:12:26,621
Let me see you dance, y'all
212
00:12:26,551 --> 00:12:29,630
Let me see you dance...
213
00:12:29,506 --> 00:12:33,225
Now I want everybody on their feet for this one
214
00:12:33,075 --> 00:12:34,474
Let me see you dance
215
00:12:34,419 --> 00:12:36,858
Let me see you dance...
216
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,199
Everybody, everybody!
217
00:12:38,141 --> 00:12:40,380
Nah, I'm all right
218
00:12:40,291 --> 00:12:42,730
Let me see you dance...
219
00:12:42,632 --> 00:12:44,391
C'mon!
220
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,799
All right!
221
00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:46,820
Let me see you dance...
222
00:12:50,730 --> 00:12:53,889
And I don't want to see no stepping from side to side dance either.
223
00:12:53,762 --> 00:12:57,001
I want to see some real dancing in here tonight, y'all.
224
00:12:56,870 --> 00:13:00,389
Turn the house lights on.
225
00:13:00,248 --> 00:13:02,608
I want to see my people dancing.
226
00:13:07,616 --> 00:13:10,655
Stop the music.
227
00:13:10,533 --> 00:13:12,452
But everybody keep dancing.
228
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,735
But I want y'all to dance in silence.
229
00:13:19,936 --> 00:13:22,375
Now I want all my band off the stage.
230
00:13:22,277 --> 00:13:23,477
Thank you, guys.
231
00:13:24,810 --> 00:13:27,009
But everybody keep dancing.
232
00:13:26,921 --> 00:13:29,320
Keep dancing.
233
00:13:29,224 --> 00:13:30,743
Let me see you dance.
234
00:13:30,682 --> 00:13:34,522
Now I'm going to choose one of y'all from the audience tonight.
235
00:13:37,091 --> 00:13:38,530
You.
236
00:13:38,473 --> 00:13:41,152
The guy with the mustard sweater on.
237
00:13:41,044 --> 00:13:44,803
The guy looking at the floor, with the mustard sweater on.
238
00:13:44,652 --> 00:13:46,851
Let me see you dance.
239
00:13:46,763 --> 00:13:48,762
Yeah!
240
00:13:48,682 --> 00:13:51,561
Now I want everybody to stop dancing,
241
00:13:51,445 --> 00:13:55,085
everybody except this guy, and watch this guy dance.
242
00:13:57,356 --> 00:13:59,436
Let everybody see you dance.
243
00:14:01,999 --> 00:14:05,678
All right. Now I want everybody to leave now
244
00:14:05,530 --> 00:14:07,369
except this guy.
245
00:14:07,296 --> 00:14:10,015
You've been a wonderful audience. Goodnight!
246
00:14:09,905 --> 00:14:12,544
You keep dancing.
247
00:14:12,438 --> 00:14:14,557
Let me see you dance.
248
00:14:14,473 --> 00:14:16,913
Let me see you dance.
249
00:14:25,295 --> 00:14:27,815
Let me see you dance.
250
00:14:34,545 --> 00:14:36,704
Decent wee pub this, in't it?
251
00:14:36,617 --> 00:14:37,976
Aye.
252
00:14:37,922 --> 00:14:40,121
Have you noticed anything, but?
253
00:14:40,033 --> 00:14:41,432
What?
254
00:14:41,376 --> 00:14:44,656
Look at all the punters in here.
255
00:14:51,930 --> 00:14:54,929
- Ancient.
- Is this an old man's pub?
256
00:14:54,809 --> 00:14:56,488
Is this a smelly old granda's pub?
257
00:14:56,421 --> 00:14:59,700
- Ho, barman!
- Barman!
258
00:14:59,568 --> 00:15:02,127
- What is it?
- Is this an old man's pub, barman?
259
00:15:02,024 --> 00:15:04,943
Do we look like a couple of old granda's staunin' here, barman?
260
00:15:04,826 --> 00:15:07,625
Do we look like a couple of pishy old granda's here, barman?
261
00:15:07,512 --> 00:15:10,111
Naw. It's just a pub.
262
00:15:10,007 --> 00:15:12,406
Here, auld yin!
263
00:15:12,310 --> 00:15:14,869
- Aye?
- Can you hear me, auld yin?
264
00:15:14,766 --> 00:15:17,525
Will we speak up a bit for ye, auld yin?
265
00:15:17,414 --> 00:15:20,533
- Turn up your hearing aid, auld yin!
- I can hear ye.
266
00:15:20,408 --> 00:15:21,967
Is this an auld man's pub?
267
00:15:21,904 --> 00:15:24,783
Are we like a couple of smelly auld pishy men in here, auld yin?
268
00:15:24,668 --> 00:15:27,427
Can ye hear us? I'm sayin'...
269
00:15:27,316 --> 00:15:28,835
I can hear ye.
270
00:15:28,774 --> 00:15:31,013
Is this an auld coffin-dodgers' pub?
271
00:15:30,923 --> 00:15:35,642
Do we look like we're wearing yellow stained trousers in here, auld yin?
272
00:15:35,452 --> 00:15:37,571
This is just a family pub.
273
00:15:37,486 --> 00:15:43,045
Aw, it's just for families, is it, eh?
274
00:15:42,821 --> 00:15:47,900
Is that you judging us because we're in a same-sex relationship?
275
00:15:47,695 --> 00:15:52,214
Typical auld man's pub, auld man's prejudice.
276
00:15:52,032 --> 00:15:53,991
C'mon Joe - up the road.
277
00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:57,512
- Up the road now!
- Up the road. - Up the road.
278
00:15:58,978 --> 00:16:02,057
- Up the road.
- Up the road now!
279
00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:04,614
- Up the road, Joe.
- Up the road now, up the road.
280
00:16:07,652 --> 00:16:10,451
- Up the road now!
- Up the road. - Up the road.
281
00:16:10,339 --> 00:16:12,059
Up the road!
282
00:16:13,678 --> 00:16:15,078
- Up the road!
- Up the road!
283
00:16:18,513 --> 00:16:21,792
Here, mate. See the next time you're posting a letter,
284
00:16:21,660 --> 00:16:23,419
have a listen at that slot.
285
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:28,068
See if you hear beeping or somebody complaining about their working conditions,
286
00:16:27,878 --> 00:16:30,037
that's a government postbox.
287
00:16:29,950 --> 00:16:32,070
DRAMATIC MUSIC
288
00:16:34,402 --> 00:16:36,082
Keep your eyes open.
289
00:16:57,238 --> 00:16:59,397
All right, Peter?
290
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:00,670
Aye.
291
00:17:41,834 --> 00:17:44,753
All right, I'll go hame and put my trainers on.
292
00:17:44,636 --> 00:17:46,116
Sake!
293
00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:52,294
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK
294
00:17:57,301 --> 00:17:58,941
Aagh!
295
00:18:00,832 --> 00:18:03,472
This'll do for my maw's hall.
296
00:18:15,185 --> 00:18:16,624
What can I get you?
297
00:18:16,567 --> 00:18:19,526
Double cheeseburger meal, please. With a banana milkshake.
298
00:18:19,407 --> 00:18:21,246
Anything else?
299
00:18:21,173 --> 00:18:25,332
Big Tasty meal. Er, large, with a Diet Coke.
300
00:18:25,164 --> 00:18:26,644
Anything else?
301
00:18:29,424 --> 00:18:31,264
Anything else?
302
00:18:33,914 --> 00:18:37,113
- Anything else?
- No!
303
00:18:36,985 --> 00:18:38,625
Anything else?
304
00:18:43,279 --> 00:18:44,919
Anything else?
305
00:18:45,965 --> 00:18:49,284
Sorry, I just remembered about death there.
306
00:18:49,151 --> 00:18:52,030
Mozzarella dippers as well, please. And an apple pie.
307
00:18:51,914 --> 00:18:53,154
That's all.
308
00:18:54,409 --> 00:18:57,249
- Pay at the next window.
- Hey.
309
00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:15,927
Trainers!
310
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,572
HE SIGHS
311
00:19:33,479 --> 00:19:35,598
What you want to do today, mate?
312
00:19:35,513 --> 00:19:38,032
Don't know, mate. What do you want to do?
313
00:19:37,930 --> 00:19:42,529
- I'm no' fussed, mate. It's up to you.
- I'm quite happy with whatever.
314
00:19:42,344 --> 00:19:46,103
- Naw, honestly, you decide.
- Naw, why don't you decide?
315
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,431
How can you no' decide?
316
00:19:47,372 --> 00:19:49,731
Cos I'm no' bothered. You decide.
317
00:19:49,636 --> 00:19:51,795
I'm no bothered either, mate. Whatever.
318
00:19:51,709 --> 00:19:54,468
Don't "whatever" me, mate. You decide.
319
00:19:54,357 --> 00:19:55,956
I don't care, mate.
320
00:19:55,892 --> 00:19:59,531
I don't care either, mate. So you decide, ya joke!
321
00:19:59,384 --> 00:20:00,743
You're the joke, mate.
322
00:20:00,689 --> 00:20:03,088
You're the one that can't decide what he wants to do.
323
00:20:02,992 --> 00:20:06,792
Well, maybe I don't want to do anything, mate!
324
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:12,188
I was only asking you what you what you wanted to do, all right?
325
00:20:12,049 --> 00:20:13,648
So decide!
326
00:20:13,585 --> 00:20:15,624
You decide.
327
00:20:15,542 --> 00:20:16,661
NAW!
328
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:19,375
DECI-I-I-I-DE!
329
00:20:19,265 --> 00:20:21,744
NAW!
330
00:20:21,644 --> 00:20:24,563
DECI-I-I-I-DE!
331
00:20:24,446 --> 00:20:28,525
Here's what I want to do today, mate, all right?
332
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,359
I would love to go to your funeral, mate,
333
00:20:31,239 --> 00:20:35,478
I'd carry the coffin up the stairs to that crematorium myself.
334
00:20:35,307 --> 00:20:37,826
I'd have a wee party hat on, mate, and I'd be singing
335
00:20:37,725 --> 00:20:41,204
Do-do-do-do dah-dah-dah-dah
336
00:20:41,064 --> 00:20:45,983
It's a celebration This bastard's getting burnt!
337
00:20:45,784 --> 00:20:48,463
I'll tell you what I want to do today, mate.
338
00:20:48,356 --> 00:20:52,115
I would love to get cremated, mate.
339
00:20:51,963 --> 00:20:56,682
BURN ME! BURN ME!
340
00:20:56,492 --> 00:20:59,211
And when they put me into that fiery furnace,
341
00:20:59,102 --> 00:21:02,101
I'll reach out with my hand and I'll grab your neck
342
00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:05,939
and I'll pull ye in beside me, mate.
343
00:21:05,780 --> 00:21:10,979
AND WE'LL BOTH BURN TOGETHER!
344
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,968
Well, here is what I want to do today, mate.
345
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:16,878
I would love for you to pull me into that furnace, mate,
346
00:21:16,756 --> 00:21:20,835
and then I'd jump out, a big fireball with legs,
347
00:21:20,671 --> 00:21:23,910
and I'd climb over your maw and your sisters
348
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:26,459
and with all that hairspray they wear, mate,
349
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:30,150
they would go up like a row of big fat fireworks!
350
00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:33,396
BOOM! POW! OOH! AAH!
351
00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:36,658
Your whole family deid!
352
00:21:36,521 --> 00:21:39,520
Every single person that loves you, mate!
353
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,879
Deid!
354
00:21:40,820 --> 00:21:45,859
Every single memory of your existence on this planet, mate,
355
00:21:45,656 --> 00:21:49,095
extinguished.
356
00:21:48,956 --> 00:21:51,596
I HATE YOU!
357
00:21:54,598 --> 00:21:58,597
I don't suppose you'll be wanting to go for a run in the new van
358
00:21:58,436 --> 00:21:59,836
I bought for us.
359
00:22:10,257 --> 00:22:13,896
Palsmobile, mate.
360
00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:16,468
Palsmobile.
361
00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:19,118
Pals only.
362
00:22:19,007 --> 00:22:21,167
HE SNIFFS
363
00:22:28,026 --> 00:22:29,585
Hello.
364
00:22:29,523 --> 00:22:32,762
Get yer dugs up on their feecht
365
00:22:32,632 --> 00:22:35,152
for Herry McLoudery.
366
00:22:37,659 --> 00:22:42,218
The nicht went the braw ken tak alang a' way
367
00:22:42,034 --> 00:22:45,793
And the quine went the nicht wi' the drum an' scatch
368
00:22:45,642 --> 00:22:49,521
And awa', and awa' and it eywis wis awa'
369
00:22:49,365 --> 00:22:52,965
And the model's dating Benedict Cumberbatch.
370
00:22:57,539 --> 00:23:02,338
Right. Yer mam wants me to learn you the family trade cos you're a rocket
371
00:23:02,145 --> 00:23:05,344
and your superstar DJ lifestyle's gettin' you nowhere.
372
00:23:05,215 --> 00:23:08,134
This guy's supposed to pay me two grand a week ago.
373
00:23:08,017 --> 00:23:10,496
So we'll act like I'm no here.
374
00:23:10,396 --> 00:23:14,235
You go in, demand the money. I'll watch, see how you get on.
375
00:23:14,081 --> 00:23:16,400
Get in there, show him your stuff.
376
00:23:16,307 --> 00:23:17,667
I'm on it.
377
00:23:22,217 --> 00:23:24,456
Show him my stuff.
378
00:23:24,366 --> 00:23:26,246
Show him my stuff.
379
00:23:30,430 --> 00:23:33,229
- What do you want?
- Show us your muff.
380
00:23:33,117 --> 00:23:35,676
- What?
- I mean, show us your fanny.
381
00:23:35,573 --> 00:23:39,412
I mean, gie me the stuff, ya fanny.
382
00:23:39,257 --> 00:23:42,736
- Who are you?
- I'm DJ Bertie Booster.
383
00:23:42,596 --> 00:23:45,475
I mean, I'm Uncle Gary's nephew.
384
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:48,359
DJ Bertie Booster's my showbiz name.
385
00:23:48,238 --> 00:23:49,917
Well, listen, wee man.
386
00:23:49,850 --> 00:23:54,490
We'll boost ye out that window there if you don't piss off.
387
00:23:57,334 --> 00:24:00,253
That's fair do's, that's quality feedback. I'll just...
388
00:24:00,136 --> 00:24:01,695
What's that?
389
00:24:01,632 --> 00:24:05,551
I just think the guy's maybe a wee bit short on cash, right,
390
00:24:05,393 --> 00:24:09,952
- and if we let him save up...
- You want people to think they can bump me outta dough?
391
00:24:09,769 --> 00:24:11,209
Get back in there.
392
00:24:14,105 --> 00:24:17,665
Nobody bumps my uncle outta dough...
393
00:24:19,363 --> 00:24:22,122
I am gonnae pump your uncle in his hole!
394
00:24:22,012 --> 00:24:24,611
What you talking aboot?
395
00:24:24,506 --> 00:24:26,905
Look, tell you what. Geez us a tenner now, right?
396
00:24:26,809 --> 00:24:29,688
How about I stick this tumbler up your arse
397
00:24:29,572 --> 00:24:33,731
- and pour you a pint of my shoes?
- I don't know what that really means
398
00:24:33,564 --> 00:24:36,283
but I'll just go anyway in case it happens
399
00:24:36,173 --> 00:24:37,813
and I don't like it.
400
00:24:39,819 --> 00:24:42,378
- It's a work-in-progress.
- We're no' negotiating here!
401
00:24:42,276 --> 00:24:44,275
Stop shoutin' at us, Uncle Gary,
402
00:24:44,195 --> 00:24:48,194
- or I'll pour a pint of arse on your shoes.
- What?!
403
00:24:48,032 --> 00:24:49,391
I never said anything.
404
00:24:49,337 --> 00:24:52,736
Listen....
405
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,199
"I'm fae Gary Riley. I want his money."
406
00:24:55,094 --> 00:24:58,574
And then break something if you need to. Get in there.
407
00:25:00,621 --> 00:25:02,661
Right....
408
00:25:09,141 --> 00:25:13,301
Looks like we've had a little accident.
409
00:25:14,245 --> 00:25:17,724
I'm here for Gary Riley. Gie me his money.
410
00:25:17,584 --> 00:25:19,903
Listen, wee man, I don't know you fae Adam.
411
00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:24,849
So if Gary Riley wants his money, tell him to send somebody I know.
412
00:25:24,646 --> 00:25:28,925
What if I prove to you that I'm Gary Riley's nephew?
413
00:25:28,753 --> 00:25:31,032
And how would you do that?
414
00:25:30,940 --> 00:25:33,899
I'll tell you something only a family member would know.
415
00:25:33,780 --> 00:25:35,419
Go, then.
416
00:25:35,354 --> 00:25:37,234
Right. Right.
417
00:25:38,194 --> 00:25:41,113
When I was a wee boy, Uncle Gary took me to Blackpool
418
00:25:40,995 --> 00:25:43,314
and we went on the Grand National.
419
00:25:43,221 --> 00:25:47,900
He had a bad hangover and when we went over the fastest bump,
420
00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:49,431
he shat himself.
421
00:25:49,362 --> 00:25:51,641
MEN LAUGH
422
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:54,350
What, yous don't believe me? Uncle Gary?
423
00:25:56,539 --> 00:25:57,659
Uncle Gary?
424
00:26:00,607 --> 00:26:05,286
Looking for a Friday night DJ?
425
00:26:05,097 --> 00:26:06,897
Fair do's.
426
00:26:10,969 --> 00:26:12,448
And what will you be putting
427
00:26:12,389 --> 00:26:15,348
into the Burnistoun Winter Gardens time capsule?
428
00:26:15,229 --> 00:26:17,028
I'm going to put in this Ben 10 toy
429
00:26:16,957 --> 00:26:19,236
so that Burnistoun children of the future
430
00:26:19,144 --> 00:26:22,504
will know what boys played with in the year 2012.
431
00:26:25,630 --> 00:26:28,509
I'm putting in this CD,
432
00:26:28,393 --> 00:26:31,913
because it's the music that's meant the most to me in 2012.
433
00:26:35,455 --> 00:26:38,574
Well, I think that's everybody. So we'll...
434
00:26:38,449 --> 00:26:41,809
MAN CLEARS THROAT I've got something.
435
00:26:43,822 --> 00:26:47,221
I'm putting in this sawn-off shotgun
436
00:26:47,084 --> 00:26:50,163
so that the polis cannae trace...
437
00:26:50,039 --> 00:26:55,038
so that the polis of the future can have a better understanding
438
00:26:54,837 --> 00:27:00,637
of how I robbed...how criminals robbed post offices in the past.
439
00:27:03,702 --> 00:27:07,261
Right. I...
440
00:27:07,118 --> 00:27:10,957
I'll put in this machete, so the Burnistoun children of the future
441
00:27:10,802 --> 00:27:13,641
know that hitmen sent up from London to do you in
442
00:27:13,527 --> 00:27:15,566
need to be dealt with in a brutal manner
443
00:27:15,484 --> 00:27:18,964
to send the message to the Burnistoun boys...
444
00:27:20,282 --> 00:27:24,962
So children of the future understand what a good machete looks like.
445
00:27:28,994 --> 00:27:32,913
If we could maybe not have any more weapons going into the time capsule,
446
00:27:32,755 --> 00:27:35,555
it's not really the kind of...
447
00:28:44,523 --> 00:28:47,563
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
448
00:28:47,613 --> 00:28:52,163
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