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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,640 Your da' just kept a lot of junk up there, boys. 2 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,920 I don't think there'll be anything worth finding. 3 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:28,320 Och, you never know, Ma, might be something interesting up there. 4 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,560 Have you been up since he died? 5 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:35,320 No, no been up there for ages. Ach, youse knock yourselves out though. 6 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,960 Right, listen. 7 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,600 In the hospital before he died, 8 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,160 my da' told me he kept his porn stash up there. 9 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:46,520 Aw, what? 10 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:47,960 His porn stash. 11 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,440 He asked me to get rid of it for him, in case Ma found it. 12 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,360 I don't want to know what kind of things he was into. 13 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:55,200 If I'm doing it, you can do it an' all, right? 14 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:59,320 Now, I'll go up, you keep the edgy in case my ma comes back, 15 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,400 and you'll need to help me sneak it out an' all. 16 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,040 Apparently, it was quite a big stash. 17 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:06,040 'Sake, man! Hurry up, then. 18 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:17,800 Do youse want a cup of tea? 19 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:19,480 Oh! 20 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,280 All right? 21 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,520 I'm Jolly Boy John. Jolly Boy John wearing his da's wig is FOR REAL. 22 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:29,960 Back in the '50s, 23 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,240 the ladies all called me Mr Haircut. 24 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,840 Jolly Boy John wearing a pair of pants made out of his da's wig... 25 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:36,880 Wig. Wig. 26 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,840 ..and giving Pixie Lott a knockback is FOR REAL. 27 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,560 I'm Jolly Boy John. 28 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,160 Listen, Pixie Doll, I've telt you before, 29 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,160 you're no' getting a dry ride! 30 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:46,920 Jolly Boy John wearing his ma's drawers 31 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,160 and breaking eggs for an omelette 32 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,520 in them is FOR REAL. 33 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:53,720 Cooking eggs in panties on the BBC. 34 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,600 Don't forget the cooking oil... Trumpet. 35 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,480 My ma used to bake bread in her pants when we went camping in Wales. 36 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:00,760 Trumpet. 37 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,040 Pixie Lott wants to eat my omelette! 38 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,400 Oh! 39 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:09,240 FOR REAL. Barack Obama, George Bush, Bill Clinton, 40 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:13,480 youse think running America makes you as for real as Jolly Boy John? 41 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,120 GET REAL! 42 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,480 I hear you have a special relationship with The Almighty, 43 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:23,680 Father Mackenzie. 44 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,480 Oh, aye, it's true, we have good banter. 45 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,200 Good banter? 46 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,120 Oh, aye, some laugh! 47 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,320 What do you mean? 48 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:36,440 Patter. Banter. Good slaggings, and all that. 49 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,320 Are you saying you slag off God? 50 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,160 Aye, of course I do. 51 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,680 I pure wind Him up something rotten, tie Him up in knots. 52 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,600 'Aye, ding dong! I tie You up in knots, you roaster!' 53 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:52,160 Och, away, and start a flood or something, you old tramp, you! 54 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,400 'I'll start a flood in your trousers, Mackenzie, 55 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,960 'when I burst your bladder with a swift right hook!' 56 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,800 See what I mean? Some banter fae the Big Man! 57 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,600 I'm no' wanting to pay that. 58 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,120 Just want something for cutting about the house with. 59 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,480 Say no more. 60 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,840 Get along to Ciderson's Stores to try out 61 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,280 our new Cut Aboot The Hoose clothing range. 62 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:19,560 Saggy joggies. 63 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,040 Ah! 64 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:24,920 Ill-fitting T-shirts siphoned from your teenage weans. 65 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,160 Jumpers you bought four stone ago. 66 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,000 We know there's nothing worse 67 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,640 than the first time you stain a new T-shirt. 68 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:35,200 That's why our Cut Aboot The Hoose T-shirts come pre-stained! 69 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,800 We've got... 70 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,200 ..and so much more. 71 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,440 When it comes to joggy bottoms, we know you don't just like them comfy, 72 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,480 you like them extra comfy, 73 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,640 which is why your Cut Aboot The Hoose joggies come pre-stretched 74 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,840 by some of the top arses in the British arse industry today. 75 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,120 Guaranteed. 76 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:05,000 Ciderson's Cut Aboot The Hoose range, 77 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,880 we care about making sure you look like you don't. 78 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,120 BELL CHIMES 79 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:14,880 Aye? 80 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,680 It says you've got the world's first interactive ice-cream van? 81 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:19,720 Aye. 82 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,440 I downloaded the app. 83 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,040 HE SIGHS 84 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,120 So what do I do, mate? 85 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:28,040 Right, well, you make the wee man 86 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:31,360 on the wee van on that move about, 87 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:38,080 and this app suit makes me move about on the real van. 88 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,400 Calm doon. Calm doon, mate, before you break my arms! 89 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,440 Right, nice and steady. 90 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,280 I'm losing signal here, pal. 91 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,120 Right... 92 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,920 No, mate, that's not what it's for, mate. 93 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,120 Come on, mate! 94 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,840 I want flying saucers and strawberry shoelaces, mate. 95 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,800 Ye can have a Mars bar. 96 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,760 70 pence. 97 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,000 Ye no' want the money, mate? Here... 98 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,400 If ye don't want the money, mate, I'll keep it. 99 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:02,400 Listen, ye bag o' fannies, I am going to stick one on your chin! 100 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,920 Oof! 101 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:19,240 Hello! Crank a lanky in the ladies' lum, it's Harry MacLowderie! 102 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,080 All alang the way 103 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,920 And awa' alang the way 104 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,360 And all alang the way 105 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,880 Ye hear a moaning sound 106 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:30,760 Cos awa' and awa' and the laddies are awa' 107 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:34,360 Cos apparently, Rihanna's had the phone pics hacked. 108 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,520 Hey, baby! 109 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:43,640 Hey, baby, baby! 110 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:48,040 Hey, baby, baby, baby! 111 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,440 Da'! 112 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,840 WOMAN ON TV GASPS 113 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:01,560 HE TUTS AND SIGHS 114 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,400 What? 115 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:11,120 Gasping, mate. I hate it when people gasp in films. A lot of shegite, man. 116 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,600 That's it spoilt for me now. 117 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,480 Is that no' a wee bit extreme, mate? 118 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,760 Who gasps in real life, mate? 119 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:23,200 Wouldn't even know where to get started with that gasping shite. 120 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,680 Ah! Ah! 121 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,960 You think you're going to suddenly decide to gasp one day, 122 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,480 and it's going to come out sounding perfect first time? 123 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,240 What you going on about? 124 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,280 I gasp, mate. All right? I gasp. 125 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,120 HE SCOFFS Piss off! 126 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,840 I'm a renowned gasper, mate. 127 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,080 Mad Frankie, the Gasper, they call me. 128 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:47,600 When do you gasp? 129 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:49,960 When I'm startled. 130 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,200 Right. Show us your gasp, then. 131 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,000 HE GASPS 132 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,640 See? Think you're just born wi' gasping skills like that? 133 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,480 That was no better than my gasp. 134 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:04,840 HE GASPS 135 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,840 You're only saying that because your ear isn't tuned 136 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,240 to pick up the subtleties in my gasp, all right? 137 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,800 I'm gasping at how bad your gasping is, mate. 138 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,600 Ah! 139 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,040 Ah! 140 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,520 - Shite. - How is it? 141 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,360 It just sounded exactly the same. 142 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,920 It's not even similar. Listen. 143 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,200 Ah! 144 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,280 Ah! 145 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:27,600 Ah! 146 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,560 Ah! 147 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,960 Garbage. I've practised for years to get this good, mate. 148 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:36,400 Three hours a day, every day, including Christmas Day. 149 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,360 How do you practise gasping? 150 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:40,960 You want me to tell you? 151 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:46,320 First of all, you start off with a series of ten sprint gasps, right? 152 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:50,080 HE GASPS QUICKLY TEN TIMES 153 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,280 HE IMITATES BADLY 154 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,000 Calm down, mate. 155 00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,000 You're like a wee guy having sex for the first time, 156 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,640 shagging too fast. 157 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:05,080 Then it's 20 minutes of slow gasping, right? 158 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,760 HE GASPS SLOWLY 159 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,800 HE IMITATES POORLY 160 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,880 Right, I'm only going to say this to you because you're my mate, right? 161 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,240 Gasping is not for you, pal. 162 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,880 You're dross. 163 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:32,120 D'you know what? You can piss off, mate, right? 164 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,080 Here's what I think, right? 165 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,680 You tried a wee bit of gasping, 166 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:40,320 learned a wee bit of the lingo, and noo, you're trying to pass 167 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:45,160 yersel' off as some kind of gasping sensei, or something. 168 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,920 Well, I don't need to be a sensei. 169 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,360 You know, your gasping wouldn't look out of place 170 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,000 on a bit of smeared bog roll, mate. 171 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:59,600 PROLONGED GASP 172 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:17,920 How do you get God to speak to you so directly, Father Mackenzie? 173 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,120 Well, you see, I used to be like you. 174 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,600 Always being nice to God, bumming Him up. 175 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:29,960 "Oh, God, you are so good. Oh, God, you are so great." All that patter. 176 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,760 And is that wrong? 177 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,280 He doesnae like all that praise. It makes him hit a beamer. 178 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:40,240 One night, I was praying and I heard Him talk to me. 179 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,120 And what did He say? 180 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:47,120 He said, in His wisdom, that He liked - His words - 181 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:48,480 "Getting slagged a belter 182 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,800 "like a spotty junior apprentice on a building site." 183 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,080 So that's what I dae. Here, watch this... 184 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,600 Aw, look at all this dust! 185 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:05,800 Whoever's hoose this is - God's hoose - keeps a right dirty hoose! 186 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:10,200 'Aye, very funny. Is that the best you've got, Mackenzie, you pie? 187 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,960 'You know why the women you work with are called a nun? 188 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,760 'Because that's how many think you're good looking, mate - none!' 189 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,960 Oh, aye, cos you're dead handsome, aren't you?! 190 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:24,600 What's that look you're going for? Kenny Rogers in a homeless hostel?! 191 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,120 'It took me seven days to create the world, Mackenzie, 192 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,400 'but I could create 193 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,120 'a wee aneurism in your brain as fast as squeezing out a fart!' 194 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,560 Some banter fae the Big Man! 195 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,880 All right? You might know somebody like me. 196 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,640 In every single photie I've ever had taken of me, 197 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,080 I always dae an old double bird. 198 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,560 Every single photie, man. C'mon, take a look. 199 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,040 There's me when I was on holiday in Spain. 200 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:02,240 There's me when I was in Afghanistan. 201 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,920 Aw, there's me on my wedding day. 202 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:08,840 There's me when my wee baby boy was born. 203 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,600 There's me getting my medal fae the Queen. 204 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,080 There's me when I was nine. 205 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,080 Aw! And there's me when I was five. 206 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:22,400 Och, and there's my wee mammy before I was born. 207 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:25,680 That's me in my mammy's belly. 208 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:30,880 It's magic, the old double bird. Try it yourself. See you later! 209 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,120 BELLS CHIME 210 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,520 There we are. Do you want some...? 211 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,680 Ya pair of wee bastards! 212 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,520 This is lovely. 213 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,680 Amazing. 214 00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:10,680 You know, when your friends set you up on a blind date, 215 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:15,080 you certainly don't expect to meet someone so gorgeous. 216 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,480 I just hope you're not disappointed yourself. 217 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,400 I'm swallowing it, but the cheese hasn't broke. 218 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,120 HE GAGS 219 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,320 So, taxi back to yours? 220 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,360 Hiya. 221 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:49,400 Thanks for buying our instructional video - How To Punch A Guy. 222 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,480 Now, in this first lesson, 223 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:56,040 I'm going to be showing you the famous crab punch. 224 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:59,520 This is my brother-in-law, Gardo. 225 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,680 - Hiya. - Huh! 226 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:07,640 - Are you ready, Gardo? - Aye. Punch away. - Now, here is your stance. 227 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,080 This is called crab stance. 228 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,880 It's named after a kind of fish, a crab. 229 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,960 You get the full movement in crab stance. 230 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,000 And now, the punch. 231 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,760 Now, this next punch is legendary... Huh! 232 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,760 - An iconic skelp. - Huh! 233 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:36,960 This is the traditional Burnistoun timetrap punch. Ready, Gardo? 234 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,440 Ready. 235 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:43,040 The textbook Burnistoun timetrap wi' a patter flourish. 236 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,040 HE INHALES 237 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,600 What's the time, Gardo? 238 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,080 It's... 239 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,360 It's time you stopped punching yersel', mate. 240 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,720 Let's take a look at that in slow motion. 241 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:04,040 Now, a couple of guys got killed doing the Burnistoun timetrap, 242 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:08,640 so please, please, please, don't try this at home, right, kids? 243 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:22,280 See, when I was a wee guy, Peter, 244 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:26,040 I used to think that maybe all this was just my imagination. 245 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,440 All what? 246 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:31,240 Everything. The world, man. Everything. 247 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,040 That was stupid, wasn't it? 248 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,120 Thing is, but... 249 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,960 I've never seen any proof that it isnae. 250 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:46,040 - What? - Where's the proof, Peter? Think about it. 251 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:52,280 Why would you imagine anything as shite as this? This flat. 252 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,680 Having one pair of scabby trainers to your name! 253 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,600 Are you even real, Peter? 254 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,320 - Think about it. - Aye. I'm real. 255 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,240 Don't get me wrang, sometimes, I wish I wasnae, 256 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,680 but it was giro day today, so today, aye, I'm real. 257 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:12,120 Are ye, but? Or am I just imagining you saying that? Think about it. 258 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,680 Why are you the one imagining me? Why am I no' imagining you? 259 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:19,400 Why would you imagine yersel' the way you are, the mess you're in? 260 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,040 I'm a mess? You're worse than me! 261 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,480 I'm happy, but. 262 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,640 I like my life, so I would imagine this, but you're never happy, Peter. 263 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,240 Why would this be your dream? Think about it. 264 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,360 No. No, I'm the real one, if any of us is. 265 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,880 Why are you always in my flat, Peter? 266 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,120 Because you're a lazy bastard, is why. 267 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:44,400 Aye, I'm lazy. So in this world I imagine, 268 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:48,080 where would everything that happens to me happen, mate? In my ain hoose. 269 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,320 So that I never need to move off my arse. Think about it. 270 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,080 Right, let's go to my flat the noo, then. 271 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:57,960 Peter, do you even have a flat? I've never been in it. 272 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,000 That's cos you never come to visit me. 273 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,880 Or because it disnae exist, mate. 274 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:06,240 Maybe you only exist here, wi' me, nowhere else. 275 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:10,200 We go for curries, don't we? We go to the pub. 276 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:14,120 I'm a greedy pie that likes a drink, so I WOULD imagine those places. 277 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,000 That's the universe I'd create, man. 278 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,000 You're just proving my point here, Peter. 279 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,680 There's no proof, Peter, there's nae proof 280 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,080 that you exist anywhere outside...this. 281 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,680 Garbage. 282 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,080 In fact, when I think about it, mate, 283 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,360 I've never seen you anywhere without me being there. 284 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,880 How could you, mate? How could you?! 285 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:40,960 Is it no' weird, Peter? Is that no' weird? Think about it. 286 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,920 You think about it. How could you see me if you're no' actually there? 287 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,520 You'd have to be there to see me, wouldn't you? 288 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,440 Or maybe I'd have to be there to imagine you being there, mate. 289 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:50,680 Think about it. 290 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,920 HE SIGHS I'm away. 291 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:57,200 Where're you off to, mate? 292 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,360 Hame. 293 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,360 Aye, that's where I imagined you'd be going. 294 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,360 Do you think maybe I could try 295 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:25,360 - speaking to God, Father Mackenzie? - The way I speak to Him, you mean? 296 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,040 Aye. 297 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,080 I don't know, son. He'll tie you in knots wi' His patter, I think. 298 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:35,400 - What are your slaggings like? - All right, I think. 299 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,360 All right, geez' a sec. 300 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,400 Ho, bawheid! 301 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,200 'You talking to me, Mackenzie?' 302 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,040 This boy here wants a word with you. 303 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,120 - On ye go, son. - Aye. 304 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,160 You're a big dafty! So ye are. 305 00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:01,360 'Is that it? If human patter's that garbage, I should have covered Adam's mooth 306 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,400 'with a fig leaf, instead of his willy! 307 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,160 'I should smite you the noo, wee man.' 308 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:08,000 Aw, shut up, ye smitehawk! 309 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,840 'Right, that's it, I'm coming doon!' 310 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,640 He willnae. He's bluffing. 311 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,440 Smitehawk, is it?! 312 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,760 I'm the guy that helped Moses part the Red Sea. 313 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,080 - You think I cannae help this sandal part yer arse cheeks?! - Ha-ha! Yes! 314 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:33,880 Ye want to rumble, Mackenzie? 315 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,120 Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, haw maw for a haw maw? 316 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,400 A square go, seriously! 317 00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:43,360 Bah! I'm only ribbin' ye! 318 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,880 That's no' why I'm doon. I'm doon for another reason. 319 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,440 Oh, aye, what's that? 320 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:54,840 It's your time, Mackenzie. I'm sorry. I'm doon here to fetch you. 321 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,840 Ha! Yeah... 322 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,680 Come on. We can still have good patter up there, eh? 323 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,760 A wee heart attack and away we go. 324 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:11,640 Aye... Aye, I suppose. 325 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,320 - HE LAUGHS HEARTILY - I got you a belter! 326 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:18,240 - Oh, ya shite, ye! - You should have seen your face there! 327 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,200 You looked like my boy when he found out what his job doon here was! 328 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,800 Best one ever! 329 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,640 You stick in at this, son. You're doin' a good job. 330 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,320 My love be with you, and all that patter! 331 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,720 So long, suckers! 332 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,920 Aw, some banter fae the Big Man! 333 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:50,280 There are 3-5-2 formations and there are 3-5-2 formations. 334 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,240 And then there's me! 335 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:02,600 I've got a hole in the armpit of this sweater. 336 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,080 Go get changed, then. 337 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,000 I'll be fine. 338 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,600 You'd better not lift that arm today and embarrass me! 339 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,320 - Och, I need to go. - I mean it. 340 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:15,160 You lift that arm even once and there'll be nae nookie the night! 341 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,240 Suspect matches the description. 342 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,880 - But that's no' me. - Arms in the air! 343 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,320 - I... - Hands up! 344 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,480 - No, boys... - Arms in the air now! - I cannae... 345 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:31,600 GUNSHOT 346 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,440 A guy needs his nookie. 347 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,840 Here, boys, boys. 348 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,000 - You all right, man? - How's it going there, man? 349 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,080 I've thought up a new song for today. 350 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,240 - Oh, here we go. - What now? 351 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,120 When the other mob's bus is leaving, we sing this... 352 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,760 Drive safely! 353 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,800 Drive safely! 354 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,760 It's only a game 355 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,080 We want you all hame 356 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,640 Safe and sound... 357 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,000 Terrible. 358 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,440 Terrible, Tommy. 359 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,920 ..To find us in bed wi' your dug! 360 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,800 What?! 361 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:29,120 To find us in bed wi' your da'! 362 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,440 What?! 363 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,600 To find us in bed wi' your bird! 364 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,480 YES! 365 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:42,360 It's fantastic to see, especially if you get up close. You can... 366 00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,880 I'm sorry, I hate that I keep pushing you back like that, 367 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:49,760 but you have to understand that we only move these models 368 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,440 a fraction of an inch at a time. 369 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:57,360 If you were to bump one, even just move an arm a little tiny bit, 370 00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,040 it would be a total catastrophe for us. 371 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,880 Oh, no, of course, of course. I'm sorry. 372 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,000 DOOR OPENS 373 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,080 Can I help you? 374 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,920 I think I'm in the wrong studio here, son. 375 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,400 My name's Biscuity Boyle, Burnistoun's favourite son, 376 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,320 I'm getting interviewed for that Legends of Sport thing, 377 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,640 but I got lost on the way back fae the toilet there. 378 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,160 Oh, here, that's that wee rabbit fella and his wee carrot pal. 379 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,480 There's a wee lassie stays next door to me, she's mad about this pair. 380 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,840 I'd nae idea youse... 381 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,560 HE GROANS 382 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:36,640 Oh, Mammy-Daddy! Oh, Mammy-Daddy! 383 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:40,080 Oh, in front of a camera as well. 384 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,280 Captured for posteriery. 385 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,880 HE BREAKS WIND 386 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,360 Betrayal by back passage. Oh... 387 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:55,400 The pressure on my abdomen there, 388 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,920 I think I've maybe urilated on your wee rabbit's carpet a bit. 389 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:02,120 Listen, I'll make myself scarce. 390 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:09,320 That's textbook, that, incidentally, old trousers taunting me. 391 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,400 - CRACKING - Oh! 392 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,800 My knee's locked! 393 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,680 Used to be champion knees, these. Et tu, Brute? 394 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:20,080 I'm going here... 395 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:27,680 I wasnae always like this, son, I used to be an athlete. 396 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:31,160 Look at me now, rolling about, destroying a wee hoose 397 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:36,640 like a geriatric pishy Godzilla. 398 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,920 Where's Mr Carrot? 399 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:54,640 Where's Mr Carrot?! 400 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,520 Calm, calm, calm doon, son. I'm sure he's... 401 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,640 Hold on here. Either my Jeremy's went numb again or... 402 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,480 Mr Carrot's in my trousers. 403 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,320 Aye, there he is, there's the wee fellow. Out ye come, pal. 404 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,240 There he is, there. 405 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:11,960 Oh, here, I'll put that away. 406 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:16,440 Oh, that's odd, that. 407 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,680 That normally only goes numb 408 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,000 right before I've had one of them blackouts... 409 00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:36,320 When this scum planted the bomb that killed our men, 410 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,600 they thought they had destroyed this investigation. 411 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,960 But little did they know that we still have this. 412 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:47,280 Everything our team was working on for months. 413 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:53,200 Every player and, mair importantly, who's connected to who. 414 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:56,560 Now, this might be a mystery to all of us right now, 415 00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,440 but we, we will... 416 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,760 we will not leave this room the night 417 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,840 until we have worked this out, joined the dots, 418 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,640 and are able to pick up this investigation where it left aff 419 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:12,040 and finally put these bastards away! 420 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,480 Come on, I'll just take youse all to the pictures, come on. 421 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:37,120 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 422 00:27:37,170 --> 00:27:41,720 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 32108

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