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Your da' just kept a lot of junk up there, boys.
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I don't think there'll be anything worth finding.
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Och, you never know, Ma, might be something interesting up there.
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Have you been up since he died?
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No, no been up there for ages. Ach, youse knock yourselves out though.
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Right, listen.
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In the hospital before he died,
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my da' told me he kept his porn stash up there.
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Aw, what?
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His porn stash.
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He asked me to get rid of it for him, in case Ma found it.
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I don't want to know what kind of things he was into.
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If I'm doing it, you can do it an' all, right?
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Now, I'll go up, you keep the edgy in case my ma comes back,
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and you'll need to help me sneak it out an' all.
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Apparently, it was quite a big stash.
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'Sake, man! Hurry up, then.
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Do youse want a cup of tea?
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Oh!
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All right?
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I'm Jolly Boy John. Jolly Boy John wearing his da's wig is FOR REAL.
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Back in the '50s,
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the ladies all called me Mr Haircut.
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Jolly Boy John wearing a pair of pants made out of his da's wig...
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Wig. Wig.
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..and giving Pixie Lott a knockback is FOR REAL.
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I'm Jolly Boy John.
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Listen, Pixie Doll, I've telt you before,
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you're no' getting a dry ride!
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Jolly Boy John wearing his ma's drawers
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and breaking eggs for an omelette
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in them is FOR REAL.
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Cooking eggs in panties on the BBC.
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Don't forget the cooking oil... Trumpet.
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My ma used to bake bread in her pants when we went camping in Wales.
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Trumpet.
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Pixie Lott wants to eat my omelette!
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Oh!
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FOR REAL. Barack Obama, George Bush, Bill Clinton,
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youse think running America makes you as for real as Jolly Boy John?
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GET REAL!
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I hear you have a special relationship with The Almighty,
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Father Mackenzie.
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Oh, aye, it's true, we have good banter.
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Good banter?
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Oh, aye, some laugh!
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What do you mean?
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Patter. Banter. Good slaggings, and all that.
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Are you saying you slag off God?
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Aye, of course I do.
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I pure wind Him up something rotten, tie Him up in knots.
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'Aye, ding dong! I tie You up in knots, you roaster!'
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Och, away, and start a flood or something, you old tramp, you!
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'I'll start a flood in your trousers, Mackenzie,
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'when I burst your bladder with a swift right hook!'
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See what I mean? Some banter fae the Big Man!
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I'm no' wanting to pay that.
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Just want something for cutting about the house with.
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Say no more.
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Get along to Ciderson's Stores to try out
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our new Cut Aboot The Hoose clothing range.
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Saggy joggies.
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Ah!
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Ill-fitting T-shirts siphoned from your teenage weans.
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Jumpers you bought four stone ago.
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We know there's nothing worse
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than the first time you stain a new T-shirt.
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That's why our Cut Aboot The Hoose T-shirts come pre-stained!
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We've got...
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..and so much more.
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When it comes to joggy bottoms, we know you don't just like them comfy,
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you like them extra comfy,
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which is why your Cut Aboot The Hoose joggies come pre-stretched
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by some of the top arses in the British arse industry today.
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Guaranteed.
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Ciderson's Cut Aboot The Hoose range,
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we care about making sure you look like you don't.
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BELL CHIMES
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Aye?
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It says you've got the world's first interactive ice-cream van?
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Aye.
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I downloaded the app.
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HE SIGHS
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So what do I do, mate?
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Right, well, you make the wee man
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on the wee van on that move about,
87
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and this app suit makes me move about on the real van.
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Calm doon. Calm doon, mate, before you break my arms!
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Right, nice and steady.
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I'm losing signal here, pal.
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Right...
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No, mate, that's not what it's for, mate.
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Come on, mate!
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I want flying saucers and strawberry shoelaces, mate.
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Ye can have a Mars bar.
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70 pence.
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Ye no' want the money, mate? Here...
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If ye don't want the money, mate, I'll keep it.
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Listen, ye bag o' fannies, I am going to stick one on your chin!
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Oof!
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Hello! Crank a lanky in the ladies' lum, it's Harry MacLowderie!
102
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All alang the way
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And awa' alang the way
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And all alang the way
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Ye hear a moaning sound
106
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Cos awa' and awa' and the laddies are awa'
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Cos apparently, Rihanna's had the phone pics hacked.
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Hey, baby!
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Hey, baby, baby!
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Hey, baby, baby, baby!
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Da'!
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WOMAN ON TV GASPS
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HE TUTS AND SIGHS
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What?
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Gasping, mate. I hate it when people gasp in films. A lot of shegite, man.
116
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That's it spoilt for me now.
117
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Is that no' a wee bit extreme, mate?
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Who gasps in real life, mate?
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Wouldn't even know where to get started with that gasping shite.
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Ah! Ah!
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You think you're going to suddenly decide to gasp one day,
122
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and it's going to come out sounding perfect first time?
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What you going on about?
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I gasp, mate. All right? I gasp.
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HE SCOFFS Piss off!
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I'm a renowned gasper, mate.
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Mad Frankie, the Gasper, they call me.
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When do you gasp?
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When I'm startled.
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Right. Show us your gasp, then.
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HE GASPS
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See? Think you're just born wi' gasping skills like that?
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That was no better than my gasp.
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HE GASPS
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You're only saying that because your ear isn't tuned
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to pick up the subtleties in my gasp, all right?
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I'm gasping at how bad your gasping is, mate.
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Ah!
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Ah!
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- Shite.
- How is it?
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It just sounded exactly the same.
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It's not even similar. Listen.
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Ah!
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Ah!
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Ah!
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Ah!
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Garbage. I've practised for years to get this good, mate.
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Three hours a day, every day, including Christmas Day.
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How do you practise gasping?
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You want me to tell you?
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First of all, you start off with a series of ten sprint gasps, right?
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HE GASPS QUICKLY TEN TIMES
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HE IMITATES BADLY
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Calm down, mate.
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You're like a wee guy having sex for the first time,
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shagging too fast.
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Then it's 20 minutes of slow gasping, right?
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HE GASPS SLOWLY
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HE IMITATES POORLY
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Right, I'm only going to say this to you because you're my mate, right?
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Gasping is not for you, pal.
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You're dross.
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D'you know what? You can piss off, mate, right?
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Here's what I think, right?
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You tried a wee bit of gasping,
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learned a wee bit of the lingo, and noo, you're trying to pass
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yersel' off as some kind of gasping sensei, or something.
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Well, I don't need to be a sensei.
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You know, your gasping wouldn't look out of place
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on a bit of smeared bog roll, mate.
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PROLONGED GASP
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How do you get God to speak to you so directly, Father Mackenzie?
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Well, you see, I used to be like you.
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Always being nice to God, bumming Him up.
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"Oh, God, you are so good. Oh, God, you are so great." All that patter.
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And is that wrong?
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He doesnae like all that praise. It makes him hit a beamer.
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One night, I was praying and I heard Him talk to me.
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And what did He say?
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He said, in His wisdom, that He liked - His words -
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"Getting slagged a belter
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"like a spotty junior apprentice on a building site."
183
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So that's what I dae. Here, watch this...
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Aw, look at all this dust!
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Whoever's hoose this is - God's hoose - keeps a right dirty hoose!
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'Aye, very funny. Is that the best you've got, Mackenzie, you pie?
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'You know why the women you work with are called a nun?
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'Because that's how many think you're good looking, mate - none!'
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Oh, aye, cos you're dead handsome, aren't you?!
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What's that look you're going for? Kenny Rogers in a homeless hostel?!
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'It took me seven days to create the world, Mackenzie,
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'but I could create
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'a wee aneurism in your brain as fast as squeezing out a fart!'
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Some banter fae the Big Man!
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All right? You might know somebody like me.
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In every single photie I've ever had taken of me,
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I always dae an old double bird.
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Every single photie, man. C'mon, take a look.
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There's me when I was on holiday in Spain.
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There's me when I was in Afghanistan.
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Aw, there's me on my wedding day.
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There's me when my wee baby boy was born.
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There's me getting my medal fae the Queen.
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There's me when I was nine.
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Aw! And there's me when I was five.
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Och, and there's my wee mammy before I was born.
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That's me in my mammy's belly.
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It's magic, the old double bird. Try it yourself. See you later!
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BELLS CHIME
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There we are. Do you want some...?
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Ya pair of wee bastards!
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This is lovely.
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Amazing.
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You know, when your friends set you up on a blind date,
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you certainly don't expect to meet someone so gorgeous.
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I just hope you're not disappointed yourself.
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I'm swallowing it, but the cheese hasn't broke.
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HE GAGS
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So, taxi back to yours?
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Hiya.
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Thanks for buying our instructional video - How To Punch A Guy.
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00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,480
Now, in this first lesson,
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I'm going to be showing you the famous crab punch.
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This is my brother-in-law, Gardo.
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- Hiya.
- Huh!
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- Are you ready, Gardo?
- Aye. Punch away. - Now, here is your stance.
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This is called crab stance.
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It's named after a kind of fish, a crab.
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You get the full movement in crab stance.
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And now, the punch.
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Now, this next punch is legendary... Huh!
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- An iconic skelp.
- Huh!
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This is the traditional Burnistoun timetrap punch. Ready, Gardo?
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Ready.
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The textbook Burnistoun timetrap wi' a patter flourish.
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HE INHALES
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What's the time, Gardo?
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It's...
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It's time you stopped punching yersel', mate.
240
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Let's take a look at that in slow motion.
241
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Now, a couple of guys got killed doing the Burnistoun timetrap,
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so please, please, please, don't try this at home, right, kids?
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See, when I was a wee guy, Peter,
244
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I used to think that maybe all this was just my imagination.
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All what?
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Everything. The world, man. Everything.
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That was stupid, wasn't it?
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Thing is, but...
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I've never seen any proof that it isnae.
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- What?
- Where's the proof, Peter? Think about it.
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Why would you imagine anything as shite as this? This flat.
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Having one pair of scabby trainers to your name!
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Are you even real, Peter?
254
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,320
- Think about it.
- Aye. I'm real.
255
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,240
Don't get me wrang, sometimes, I wish I wasnae,
256
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,680
but it was giro day today, so today, aye, I'm real.
257
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:12,120
Are ye, but? Or am I just imagining you saying that? Think about it.
258
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,680
Why are you the one imagining me? Why am I no' imagining you?
259
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:19,400
Why would you imagine yersel' the way you are, the mess you're in?
260
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,040
I'm a mess? You're worse than me!
261
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,480
I'm happy, but.
262
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,640
I like my life, so I would imagine this, but you're never happy, Peter.
263
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,240
Why would this be your dream? Think about it.
264
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,360
No. No, I'm the real one, if any of us is.
265
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,880
Why are you always in my flat, Peter?
266
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,120
Because you're a lazy bastard, is why.
267
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:44,400
Aye, I'm lazy. So in this world I imagine,
268
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:48,080
where would everything that happens to me happen, mate? In my ain hoose.
269
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,320
So that I never need to move off my arse. Think about it.
270
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,080
Right, let's go to my flat the noo, then.
271
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:57,960
Peter, do you even have a flat? I've never been in it.
272
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,000
That's cos you never come to visit me.
273
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,880
Or because it disnae exist, mate.
274
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:06,240
Maybe you only exist here, wi' me, nowhere else.
275
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:10,200
We go for curries, don't we? We go to the pub.
276
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:14,120
I'm a greedy pie that likes a drink, so I WOULD imagine those places.
277
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,000
That's the universe I'd create, man.
278
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,000
You're just proving my point here, Peter.
279
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,680
There's no proof, Peter, there's nae proof
280
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,080
that you exist anywhere outside...this.
281
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,680
Garbage.
282
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,080
In fact, when I think about it, mate,
283
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,360
I've never seen you anywhere without me being there.
284
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,880
How could you, mate? How could you?!
285
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:40,960
Is it no' weird, Peter? Is that no' weird? Think about it.
286
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,920
You think about it. How could you see me if you're no' actually there?
287
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,520
You'd have to be there to see me, wouldn't you?
288
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,440
Or maybe I'd have to be there to imagine you being there, mate.
289
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:50,680
Think about it.
290
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,920
HE SIGHS I'm away.
291
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:57,200
Where're you off to, mate?
292
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,360
Hame.
293
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,360
Aye, that's where I imagined you'd be going.
294
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,360
Do you think maybe I could try
295
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:25,360
- speaking to God, Father Mackenzie?
- The way I speak to Him, you mean?
296
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,040
Aye.
297
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,080
I don't know, son. He'll tie you in knots wi' His patter, I think.
298
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:35,400
- What are your slaggings like?
- All right, I think.
299
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,360
All right, geez' a sec.
300
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,400
Ho, bawheid!
301
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,200
'You talking to me, Mackenzie?'
302
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,040
This boy here wants a word with you.
303
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,120
- On ye go, son.
- Aye.
304
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,160
You're a big dafty! So ye are.
305
00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:01,360
'Is that it? If human patter's that garbage, I should have covered Adam's mooth
306
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,400
'with a fig leaf, instead of his willy!
307
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,160
'I should smite you the noo, wee man.'
308
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:08,000
Aw, shut up, ye smitehawk!
309
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,840
'Right, that's it, I'm coming doon!'
310
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,640
He willnae. He's bluffing.
311
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,440
Smitehawk, is it?!
312
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,760
I'm the guy that helped Moses part the Red Sea.
313
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,080
- You think I cannae help this sandal part yer arse cheeks?!
- Ha-ha! Yes!
314
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:33,880
Ye want to rumble, Mackenzie?
315
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,120
Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, haw maw for a haw maw?
316
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,400
A square go, seriously!
317
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:43,360
Bah! I'm only ribbin' ye!
318
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,880
That's no' why I'm doon. I'm doon for another reason.
319
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,440
Oh, aye, what's that?
320
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:54,840
It's your time, Mackenzie. I'm sorry. I'm doon here to fetch you.
321
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,840
Ha! Yeah...
322
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,680
Come on. We can still have good patter up there, eh?
323
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,760
A wee heart attack and away we go.
324
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:11,640
Aye... Aye, I suppose.
325
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,320
- HE LAUGHS HEARTILY
- I got you a belter!
326
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:18,240
- Oh, ya shite, ye!
- You should have seen your face there!
327
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,200
You looked like my boy when he found out what his job doon here was!
328
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,800
Best one ever!
329
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,640
You stick in at this, son. You're doin' a good job.
330
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,320
My love be with you, and all that patter!
331
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,720
So long, suckers!
332
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,920
Aw, some banter fae the Big Man!
333
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:50,280
There are 3-5-2 formations and there are 3-5-2 formations.
334
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,240
And then there's me!
335
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:02,600
I've got a hole in the armpit of this sweater.
336
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,080
Go get changed, then.
337
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,000
I'll be fine.
338
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,600
You'd better not lift that arm today and embarrass me!
339
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,320
- Och, I need to go.
- I mean it.
340
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:15,160
You lift that arm even once and there'll be nae nookie the night!
341
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,240
Suspect matches the description.
342
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,880
- But that's no' me.
- Arms in the air!
343
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,320
- I...
- Hands up!
344
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,480
- No, boys...
- Arms in the air now! - I cannae...
345
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:31,600
GUNSHOT
346
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,440
A guy needs his nookie.
347
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,840
Here, boys, boys.
348
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,000
- You all right, man?
- How's it going there, man?
349
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,080
I've thought up a new song for today.
350
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,240
- Oh, here we go.
- What now?
351
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,120
When the other mob's bus is leaving, we sing this...
352
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,760
Drive safely!
353
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,800
Drive safely!
354
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,760
It's only a game
355
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,080
We want you all hame
356
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,640
Safe and sound...
357
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,000
Terrible.
358
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,440
Terrible, Tommy.
359
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,920
..To find us in bed wi' your dug!
360
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,800
What?!
361
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:29,120
To find us in bed wi' your da'!
362
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,440
What?!
363
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,600
To find us in bed wi' your bird!
364
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,480
YES!
365
00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:42,360
It's fantastic to see, especially if you get up close. You can...
366
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,880
I'm sorry, I hate that I keep pushing you back like that,
367
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:49,760
but you have to understand that we only move these models
368
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,440
a fraction of an inch at a time.
369
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:57,360
If you were to bump one, even just move an arm a little tiny bit,
370
00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,040
it would be a total catastrophe for us.
371
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,880
Oh, no, of course, of course. I'm sorry.
372
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,000
DOOR OPENS
373
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,080
Can I help you?
374
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,920
I think I'm in the wrong studio here, son.
375
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,400
My name's Biscuity Boyle, Burnistoun's favourite son,
376
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,320
I'm getting interviewed for that Legends of Sport thing,
377
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,640
but I got lost on the way back fae the toilet there.
378
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,160
Oh, here, that's that wee rabbit fella and his wee carrot pal.
379
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,480
There's a wee lassie stays next door to me, she's mad about this pair.
380
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,840
I'd nae idea youse...
381
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,560
HE GROANS
382
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:36,640
Oh, Mammy-Daddy! Oh, Mammy-Daddy!
383
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:40,080
Oh, in front of a camera as well.
384
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,280
Captured for posteriery.
385
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,880
HE BREAKS WIND
386
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,360
Betrayal by back passage. Oh...
387
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:55,400
The pressure on my abdomen there,
388
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,920
I think I've maybe urilated on your wee rabbit's carpet a bit.
389
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:02,120
Listen, I'll make myself scarce.
390
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:09,320
That's textbook, that, incidentally, old trousers taunting me.
391
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,400
- CRACKING
- Oh!
392
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,800
My knee's locked!
393
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,680
Used to be champion knees, these. Et tu, Brute?
394
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:20,080
I'm going here...
395
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:27,680
I wasnae always like this, son, I used to be an athlete.
396
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:31,160
Look at me now, rolling about, destroying a wee hoose
397
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:36,640
like a geriatric pishy Godzilla.
398
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,920
Where's Mr Carrot?
399
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:54,640
Where's Mr Carrot?!
400
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,520
Calm, calm, calm doon, son. I'm sure he's...
401
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,640
Hold on here. Either my Jeremy's went numb again or...
402
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,480
Mr Carrot's in my trousers.
403
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,320
Aye, there he is, there's the wee fellow. Out ye come, pal.
404
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,240
There he is, there.
405
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:11,960
Oh, here, I'll put that away.
406
00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:16,440
Oh, that's odd, that.
407
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,680
That normally only goes numb
408
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,000
right before I've had one of them blackouts...
409
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:36,320
When this scum planted the bomb that killed our men,
410
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,600
they thought they had destroyed this investigation.
411
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,960
But little did they know that we still have this.
412
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:47,280
Everything our team was working on for months.
413
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:53,200
Every player and, mair importantly, who's connected to who.
414
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:56,560
Now, this might be a mystery to all of us right now,
415
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,440
but we, we will...
416
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,760
we will not leave this room the night
417
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,840
until we have worked this out, joined the dots,
418
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,640
and are able to pick up this investigation where it left aff
419
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:12,040
and finally put these bastards away!
420
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,480
Come on, I'll just take youse all to the pictures, come on.
421
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:37,120
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
422
00:27:37,170 --> 00:27:41,720
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