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Contains adult humour.
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00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,519
There now follows a party political
broadcast
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00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,880
from the Conservative Party.
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00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,599
Good evening.
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00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:30,959
In light of the recent
economic downturn,
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00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,199
I felt it was important that
I address some of the concerns
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00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:39,119
that you may have about what this
means for you as an individual,
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00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:43,080
for your family and for the British
people as a whole.
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00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,919
Over the last couple of...
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00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:58,279
Ya ha ha ha, oh, got you,
got you good.
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00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,039
Classic.
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00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:01,520
Classic.
13
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,440
Over the last couple of...
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00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,639
What's the new alarm clock for?
15
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,639
It's this new speaking alarm clock.
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00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:16,520
You record your ain voice in it,
right,
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00:01:16,521 --> 00:01:18,799
and then it talks you
awake in the morning.
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00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,799
It's like your ain mind
talking to you.
19
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,439
Aw, cool.
20
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,239
I've set it for six.
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00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:26,320
It's an early start for me tomorrow.
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00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:39,080
'Mate. Mate. Mate!'
23
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,759
Who is that?
24
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,640
'It's me. Alarm clock.
You asleep?'
25
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,639
I'm no' noo. What is it?
26
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,639
'Nothing. Just checking.'
27
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,800
Sake!
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00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,120
'Mate. Mate.'
29
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,000
What?
30
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,239
'What do you think happens
when you die?'
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00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,879
I don't know, do I?
I'm trying to sleep.
32
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,080
'Do you think alarm clocks go to
Heaven, mate?'
33
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:23,119
Aye, probably.
Do you want to shut up?
34
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,759
'Sorry, mate.'
35
00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:27,000
Unbelievable.
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00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:34,679
'Mate. Mate. Mate. Big man.
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00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,159
'Mate!'
38
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,359
What now?
39
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:41,519
'Do you think there's
life on other planets?'
40
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,039
I don't know. I'm just a roofer.
41
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,519
I'm just a guy who works up
the roofs.
42
00:02:50,241 --> 00:02:53,439
I'm a roofer who is up
they roofs at six tomorrow.
43
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,680
Do you want to shut up?
44
00:02:54,681 --> 00:02:59,159
'Sake. Calm doon. Sorry.
45
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:03,280
'Sake. Grumpy.'
46
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:08,239
'Aw no, aw no, get up mate, get up!
47
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:12,879
'I slept in mate, it's hauf eleven.
48
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,399
'Sorry, mate, slept in.
49
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:16,759
'Slept in.
50
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:20,520
'I was up all night thinking about
a lot of shite as per.'
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00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,399
All right? I'm Johnny Boy John.
52
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,879
Johnny Boy John eatin' pakora is
for real.
53
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,639
Johnny Boy John shovin' a bit of
pakora down his maw's old tights
54
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:32,799
and using them as a punch bag is
for real.
55
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,279
Johnny Boy John wearin' his dad's
pants on his heid
56
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,319
and eatin' pakora sauce oot of a
chocolate fountain is for real.
57
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,920
Saucy pant-muncher!
58
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:46,279
Johnny Boy John stuffin' a chocolate
fountain down his Uncle Danny's Speedos
59
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,839
and telling Joe Calzaghe that his
dad smokes roll-ups is for real!
60
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:53,239
I'm no' trying to take
away from your achievements
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00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,399
but my old man's been puffin'
on the roll-ups for 40 year noo.
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00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:02,239
Pakora, pakora, pakora.
Oi, deal with it, Calzaghe.
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00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,999
Oi, Calzaghe, you'd better learn how
to deal with Johnny Boy John.
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00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,839
For real!
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00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,959
Professor Brian Cox,
the actor Brian Cox,
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00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,240
a guy from up my Uncle Nubby's bit
called Brian Cox who got
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00:04:13,241 --> 00:04:15,959
jailed for trying to shove
cocodamol up a copper's nostril.
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00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,640
You think being called
Brian Cox makes
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00:04:17,641 --> 00:04:19,399
you as real as Johnny Boy John?
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00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:20,440
Get real!
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00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,919
You should meet my mate Gordy, you'd
love him. Gordy!
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00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:30,839
Asleep already and after only
one can.
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00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,679
What a Wan Can Dan, man!
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00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,719
Are you a Wan Can Dan?
75
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:39,399
Then you need
Alex Ciderson's mini can.
76
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,039
We've split wan can across 21
tiny cans
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00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:46,679
so nobody can ever call you
a Wan Can Dan ever again.
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00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,599
You should meet my mate Gordy,
you'd love him.
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00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,119
Mmm, I'd only love him
if he's a right good boozer.
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00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:55,479
This is my 15th can of the night.
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00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,680
Take me!
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00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,839
Thanks, Alex.
She thinks I'm a proper alky.
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00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,999
Wan Can Dan? No Can Do!
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00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,159
Please drink responsibly.
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00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,080
No more than 65 cans a night.
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00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:22,520
There are dogs with waggly tails and
there are dogs with waggly tails.
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00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,960
And then there's me.
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00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:36,039
So, Mr Comely, I hope you've been
satisfied in your dealings
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00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,879
with Teddy Thomson Taxidermy.
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00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,320
Hopefully your next dog won't be
such a fan of sunbeds.
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00:05:41,321 --> 00:05:43,519
Are you going to show me
Jessie before you go?
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00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,879
Well, it can be an emotional moment.
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00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:50,759
We find it's best if we are miles
away by the time it happens.
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00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:54,039
Show me the work before you go.
95
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:55,560
Right.
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00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:02,999
There you are.
97
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,199
I'll leave you to get on with
your grieving and your grooving.
98
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,160
Can I see the whole lot?
99
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,400
Right, of course. Of course.
100
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:21,159
That's all right. Just a sparrow.
101
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,719
Are you quite happy with that then?
102
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,279
I still haven't seen it.
103
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,960
Mate, you're acting like you've
got something to hide. Show me it.
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00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,079
What the hell was that?
105
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,160
Show me thae legs.
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00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,520
No yours. Jesse's.
107
00:06:58,800 --> 00:06:59,840
He's got cat's legs.
108
00:06:59,841 --> 00:07:03,119
Aye, see, that's the oils
and stuff that we use.
109
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,479
They can make a leg look
a bit catty.
110
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:10,079
A bit catty?
My dug has got cat legs.
111
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,759
What are you saying? You'd have
preferred we gave him cow's legs?
112
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,239
No, I would have preferred you
left his ain legs attached.
113
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:20,159
I'll be honest with you, mate.
114
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:24,879
We did stuff you dog the
normal way - ain legs, the lot.
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00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:29,439
Put him in the lorry with a bunch of
other animals for delivery...
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00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,319
What happened?
117
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,399
The driver had an improbable
flashback to Vietnam
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00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,759
and hit a lorry at a level crossing.
119
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,639
Bang! Hit by a train?
120
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,999
Helicopter. Hell of a mess.
Animal body parts everywhere.
121
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,879
I mean, we managed to find
most of the pieces
122
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,320
but there was no way to tell what
part went with what.
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00:07:49,321 --> 00:07:52,199
You cannae tell apart a dog's leg
and a cat's leg?
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00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,320
All legs look much the same
when you're drunk, mate.
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00:07:54,321 --> 00:07:57,039
Mebbe you shouldn't have been drunk.
126
00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,439
Everybody's got
Catch 22 vision in hindsight.
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00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:05,879
I don't want my beloved dog having
cat's legs or a rabbit's teeth
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00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,760
or a wasp's foreskin or
a pig's arse.
129
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,560
Oh.
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00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:15,520
Why are you saying, "Oh"?
131
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,200
Do you have anything to say?
132
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,800
You'd dae well at Crufts
with that thing.
133
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,359
Open up, it's the polis.
134
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:56,479
It's the government's mad squad,
know that way?
135
00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:01,559
Evening, sir. My name's Officer
McGregor of the polis carry-on.
136
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,359
This is Officer Toshan.
137
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,039
I'm a polis an' all,
sure I am, McGregor?
138
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,679
I think he'll have sussed
that for hissel'. Or do you think
139
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:13,639
he mebbe thought it was me taking my
boy round the doors for Halloween?
140
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:14,718
What have I told you?
141
00:09:14,719 --> 00:09:17,118
Quality polis all the way.
Keep the geggy clamped.
142
00:09:17,119 --> 00:09:18,360
What's this about?
143
00:09:18,361 --> 00:09:21,279
We've had reports of a mad party
happening in here.
144
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,839
Party? I've got a few friends round.
Has there been a complaint?
145
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,079
Could pure hear you blasting your
music out the windae, man.
146
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,440
Bit of Go West, bit of Call Me.
I was like that...
147
00:09:30,441 --> 00:09:33,119
? Call me, call me... ?
148
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,479
Doing that dance he did.
149
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,799
Never you mind Go West, right?
You should go wheesht.
150
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,279
Can you keep the noise down?
My man's sleeping.
151
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,439
Can you keep the noise down, hen?
152
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,679
We're aboot to make
a major arrest here.
153
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,360
Guy's a pure junkie and all that,
know the way?
154
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:55,800
We're the polis.
155
00:09:55,801 --> 00:09:59,319
We can make as much
noise as we want.
156
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,720
So just you get yersel'
back in there.
157
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,280
Hang on, I'm no a junkie.
158
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,799
You firing into that neighbour, huh?
She's a wee honey.
159
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,800
A wee darling.
Looks like Boy George or something.
160
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:24,839
Boy George?
161
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,199
Aye, when she was young,
I mean, obviously. What is all this?
162
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:33,279
Listen. We've heard you're having a
party and since we're off duty
163
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:39,120
in about seven hours, we thought
we'd bring some cans and that.
164
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,399
Got a munchy box an' all, in case
you've got any Class Bs on the go.
165
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,240
What?
You're saying you want to come in?
166
00:10:47,241 --> 00:10:48,919
Aye.
167
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,559
It's no really a choice,
in't it no, McGregor?
168
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,239
It's kinda the law, in't it, Toshan?
169
00:10:55,240 --> 00:11:00,880
Aye, aye, come in. Why not?
Plenty of room.
170
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,360
Boys! In yous come.
171
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,039
Mark's bringing his new
bird here tonight.
172
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,079
Oh, aye? That'll be interesting.
173
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:31,359
Right, boys?
Let me introduce you to Vanessa.
174
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:35,959
Vanessa de Tiali. Hello.
Pleased... Pleased...
175
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:40,719
Sorry, I think my hearing's
went funny.
176
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,840
That's not fair. Not fair!
177
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:52,959
S-S-S... Ma stutter's came back.
178
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:56,800
You should see the thing I married.
179
00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,599
Can I get you a drink?
180
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,960
Mm. I would love one.
181
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:07,079
I cannae get my tongue back in.
182
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,879
I need to sit down.
183
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,120
Let me get you a chair.
184
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,199
My pacemaker!
185
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,519
How did yous two meet?
186
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,679
Oh, never mind that.
187
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:24,399
At Mark's work,
at the Benefits Office.
188
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,839
I go there all the time
to grass up benefits cheats.
189
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,200
I'm a benefits grass.
190
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,279
Nae accounting for taste, is there?
191
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,120
Hound.
192
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:02,719
I'm just glad we could finally get
this extension started.
193
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,120
Between the planning permission and
you being available,
194
00:13:05,121 --> 00:13:07,439
I thought this was
never going to happen.
195
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,719
Well, it's full steam
ahead from now on.
196
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,600
I'm so glad.
197
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:17,059
- Right, that's us done for the day, hen.
- What do you mean?
198
00:13:17,084 --> 00:13:19,084
It's only eight o'clock
in the morning.
199
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:22,719
That's all we can do the noo before
the plumber starts his work.
200
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,919
You put down one brick.
201
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,759
See you next week.
202
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,319
I'm surprised
they put that brick there.
203
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:34,079
That's stopping me fae doing
anything the noo. It's a brick.
204
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,400
I thought they'd have put it in
about half an inch to the left.
205
00:13:36,401 --> 00:13:38,079
Move it then.
206
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,320
Tell you what I could do.
I could maybe put a tap in the now.
207
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,240
Right, that's me done for the day.
208
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:52,319
What's he put that tap there for? That's
stopping us from doing anything now.
209
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,199
He says the brick should be half
an inch to the left.
210
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,759
You'll need to get the architect to
take a look at that.
211
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,680
Right, that's us done for the day.
212
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,079
It's Mrs Mclntyre again.
213
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,600
Mrs Mclntyre?
214
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,240
Mrs Mclntyre?
215
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:18,040
Mrs Mclntyre?
I'm afraid he's done for the day.
216
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,519
I'm the electrician.
That's me done for the day.
217
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:26,399
You have not even set foot in this
garden. You see that brick?
218
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,678
I was of the understanding that that
brick was going to be
219
00:14:28,679 --> 00:14:29,760
a half inch to the left.
220
00:14:29,761 --> 00:14:33,399
I cannae do anything
until the glazier's been anyway.
221
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:37,319
There's a brick
and a tap stuck in some grass.
222
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,680
What the hell is a glazier
going to do?
223
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,839
There.
224
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,559
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
225
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,280
I wish you hadn't moved
that by yourself.
226
00:14:53,281 --> 00:14:54,959
This is a death trap noo, hen.
227
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,719
We're going to have to
put our price up now.
228
00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,480
That lassie slippered my arse.
229
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:06,319
We're going to have to demolish that
brick and start again. Go then.
230
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,959
Aw, I'd love to, hen, love to, hen,
in years gone by mebbe,
231
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:13,279
but just no insuranced
to do that now.
232
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,759
What can you do now, then?
233
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,319
I cannae do anything
until he does what he's doing.
234
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,479
And I cannae do anything until he's
done doing what he's doing.
235
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,440
I can get a wee bit of what
I'm doing done
236
00:15:23,441 --> 00:15:26,639
and once he's done doing that,
I can be done doing what I'm doing.
237
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,920
When I'm done doing done
and he's doing done doing,
238
00:15:28,921 --> 00:15:31,880
we'll be done doing done
da-do-ron-ron-da-do-ron-ron.
239
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:38,319
Do you know what? I actually know a wee
bit about demolishing bricks myself.
240
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,759
If I could get you all to hold one of
these, thank you very much. Thank you.
241
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,959
And I'll go and make us
all a nice wee cup of tea, eh?
242
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,120
Milk and two, thanks.
243
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:16,319
NOOBSLAYER666 says hello.
NOOBSLAYER666 says hello.
244
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,279
Bullet in the head, preeeek.
245
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,359
Bullet in the head, preeeek.
246
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,599
Who you talking to?
247
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,079
I'm playing online, Da'.
248
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,880
Why are you speaking to
people like that?
249
00:16:25,881 --> 00:16:28,879
Because I'm the best, all right,
and they need to know.
250
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,239
You sound like a pain in the arse.
251
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:38,039
Whooo. NOOBSLAYER666 just put
a bullet to your head, preeeeek.
252
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,399
You shoot like a girl.
253
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:44,499
20 kill streaker, I'm just on.
I'm no' even set up.
254
00:16:44,524 --> 00:16:46,524
I'm eating crisps. 21,
kill streak, preek!
255
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,279
22, kill streak, preek... Da'!
256
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:57,399
Hello there. This is NOOBSLAYER666's
faither here.
257
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,679
Just to let yous all know that he
might have a 22 kill streak,
258
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,319
but he's lucky
if he's got four pubes to his name.
259
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,240
Bullet to the head, prick.
260
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:28,160
Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.
261
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,559
Have you noticed anything?
262
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,200
Naw. What?
263
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:52,239
Is that lassies' chocolate?
Are we buying lassies' chocolate?
264
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,339
We better no' be stauning here
wi' lassies' chocolate
265
00:17:54,364 --> 00:17:56,239
like a couple of
chocolate-loving lassies.
266
00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,879
'scuse me!
Is that lassies' chocolate?
267
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,159
What?
The truth! We want the truth.
268
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:08,439
Is that lassies' chocolate?
No. It's just chocolate.
269
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:12,639
It's all that patter, but.
What patter?
270
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:16,999
"Better than sex." Is it all that
patter? Is it lassies' chocolate?
271
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,679
Is it better than an orgasm,
eating this chocolate?
272
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,199
Is it all that patter?
273
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,639
Do we look like we prefer eating
chocolate to having sex
274
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,839
with our husbands?
Do we? Is it all that patter?
275
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,799
Hey, is there a problem here?
276
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,959
Aye, mate.
Is that lassies' chocolate?
277
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:37,719
Do we look like a couple
of chocolate-loving lassies?
278
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,399
It's just chocolate.
279
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:45,639
How come there's a lassie buying
that chocolate and us?
280
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:49,759
We cannae all prefer
chocolate to sex, mate.
281
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:53,319
It can't all just be
coincidence to prefer eating
282
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,959
bars of chocolate to making love
to your husbands, mate.
283
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,759
Is that lassies' chocolate?
284
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,919
Is this a lassies' shop?
285
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,520
Is going into a shop a lassies'
thing?
286
00:19:02,521 --> 00:19:04,639
Is having a husband a lassies'
thing?
287
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:08,679
Is it all that patter?
288
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:13,039
Up the road. Up the road, Joe.
289
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,040
Up the road. Up the road, Joe.
290
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,879
Here, boys. Boys. Tommy.
291
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,799
I've made up a new song for the day.
292
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,959
Aw naw. What now?
293
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:36,319
See when the other mob tackles
oor lot, we sing this...
294
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:43,799
? Please be careful with those legs
You could hurt our friends
295
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:49,399
? Don't be nasty
Live a good life. ?
296
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,799
That's dire.
297
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,599
Dire, Tommy.
298
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,879
? And we pumped your wife. ?
299
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:12,199
Sake. What's going on down there,
you clarty bastard?
300
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,439
It's nothing like that, mate.
301
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,239
Well, what is it then?
302
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,279
It's because I'm shaved down there,
know what I mean?
303
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,319
Sorry, you'll need to repeat that.
I didn't hear it
304
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,199
because I've got a man's ears.
305
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,319
See when you're like perfectly
smooth down there, gets pretty itchy
306
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,199
when the hair starts
to grow back.
307
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:38,759
Are you joking? Are you sitting there,
bold as brass, with a pair of smooth baws?
308
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,879
All the guys have got them
shaved these days.
309
00:20:40,904 --> 00:20:42,679
It's not my fault
you're out of touch.
310
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,839
I don't want to be in touch
311
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,359
if it involves taking a razor
to my haw-maws.
312
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,879
Well, the women love it, mate,
so it's your loss.
313
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,879
I don't want to be with a woman that
likes a guy with nae pubes.
314
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,319
There's a name for a woman
like that.
315
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,639
Aye, mate, there's a phone
number for a woman like that an' aw,
316
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,199
and I've got it in here.
317
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,799
How many phone numbers you
got on your phone, Peter?
318
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:09,559
I'm no shaving my pubes.
319
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,999
Well, the world's changed, Peter.
320
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,160
It's time you changed with it,
hairy sacks.
321
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,079
What you daein'?
Just checking.
322
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,199
Looks like you've got Susan Boyle's
heid living down there.
323
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,719
That's it. You crossed a line there.
324
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,399
Makes your willy look bigger
an' aw, so it does.
325
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:39,679
Huh?
326
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:45,039
The balder the giraffe, mate,
the longer the neck. Fact.
327
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:49,519
Do you need blades or will an
electric razor do? Blades, mate.
328
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,680
Buck's sake, man.
329
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,000
You spilled my pint, mate? Look...
330
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,719
You know what's happening.
331
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:18,279
Wait a minute. Let me get my
stuntman in. You all right, Vince?
332
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,280
I'm no' waiting.
333
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,279
Right, you finished? Come on, Vince.
334
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,920
Boys, hold that stuntman.
335
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:40,519
Right, that's us noo.
Come on, Vince.
336
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:45,399
Boys, throw
that stuntman out of here.
337
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:49,840
Noo, I'm punching you.
338
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,759
Hey, that's plenty. Come on, Vince.
339
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,280
Just you.
340
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,079
Cash machines are rare,
aren't they, son?
341
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,359
Aye, Da'.
342
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:28,759
They werenae always like this.
343
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:32,159
See back in my day,
they were very different.
344
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:33,679
Very different indeed.
345
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:34,720
What do you mean?
346
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,479
'Hello? What d'ye want?'
347
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:49,800
Is this the cash machine?
348
00:23:49,801 --> 00:23:52,239
'Aye. What is it?'
349
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,039
Can I lift some of my money?
350
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:55,679
'What for?'
351
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,199
I'm going up the dancing the night.
352
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:02,679
'How much?' 20 quid. '20 quid?!' Aye.
353
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,160
'Sake. Putting you on hold.'
354
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:14,119
You the guy that wants 20 quid?
Aye.
355
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,200
Haun oot.
356
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:32,199
Fiver. 10, 11, 12.
357
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,439
This for going to
the dancing you say? Aye.
358
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:40,239
20 quid frittered away on drink.
Shocking.
359
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,240
13, 14, 15.
360
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:51,439
Who's going? Me and my mates.
361
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,040
16, 17,
362
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:03,479
17.10, 17.20. 17.30, 17.40.
363
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:09,999
I'm short. I'm wanting 20.
That'll do you. But I need...
364
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,200
That'll dae ye.
365
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:20,680
Hello? 'That'll dae ye.'
366
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:32,239
That sounds terrible, Da'.
It was, son. The past was garbage.
367
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,960
Never forget that right,
it was garbage.
368
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,239
I've run out of bog roll.
I think my fish supper
369
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,599
from last night's still in the bath.
370
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:51,439
Just use the paper fae that,
if that's what you're needing.
371
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,479
It isnae.
372
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:58,039
Aye, man, see since I started shaving
old stovies, havenae looked back.
373
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,300
No point being a caveman
if the women want a cavalier,
374
00:26:00,325 --> 00:26:02,225
know what I mean?
That's my motto.
375
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,519
Get in on the slick stovies act,
man.
376
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:10,319
You'll soon be having the same
success with the women as I do.
377
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:16,240
Did someone just come in the door
there? Peter?
378
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:26,160
Hello. Take a jock to yer
janglies for Harry MacLowdrie.
379
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:32,479
? The wifies all went dreich
380
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,599
? And the wifies all went wheech
381
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,039
? And the wifies all bent o'er
the muslin
382
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,319
? And all the quinies went wheecht
383
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:42,359
? And went alang the dreecht
384
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:45,520
? Cos all the lassies fancy
Ryan Gosling. ?
385
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:53,719
'Mate, mate, mate.
Did you lock the back door, mate?'
386
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,959
Aye. 'You sure, mate? Mate?
387
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,199
'Mate? Mate?'
388
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,039
I locked it.
389
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:02,839
'Gonnae just double check, mate?
390
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,839
'I'll no be able to
sleep for worrying about
391
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:08,599
'whether or not the back
door's locked.
392
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,159
'Last thing you want is somebody
coming in your house
393
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:12,160
'when you're asleep, mate.'
394
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,080
I locked the back door.
395
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,280
Are you sure you locked it?
396
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,280
'Gonnae make sure the oven's
switched off while you're up?'
397
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:43,440
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398
00:27:43,490 --> 00:27:48,040
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