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1
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:27,339
I've got a parcel for you, mate.
Oh, cheers.
2
00:00:27,340 --> 00:00:29,460
Could you sign this, please?
3
00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:39,779
Cannae.
4
00:00:39,780 --> 00:00:40,860
That'll do me.
5
00:00:41,940 --> 00:00:42,980
Ta.
6
00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:49,939
All right?
7
00:00:49,940 --> 00:00:51,379
I'm Jolly Boy John.
8
00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:52,780
Jolly Boy John acting the wide-o
9
00:00:52,781 --> 00:00:53,819
is For Real.
10
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,739
For Real. What, what, what, what,
11
00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:57,179
what, what, what, what?
12
00:00:57,180 --> 00:01:00,099
Jolly Boy John acting the wide-o
with his nephew's nappy on his head
13
00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:01,259
is For Real.
14
00:01:01,260 --> 00:01:04,379
Get tooled up if you want,
mate-mate-mate.
15
00:01:04,380 --> 00:01:08,259
I'm tooled up with
wee chocolate bananas!
16
00:01:08,260 --> 00:01:11,179
For Real! Come and get meee...
17
00:01:11,180 --> 00:01:12,219
For Real!
18
00:01:12,220 --> 00:01:14,259
Jolly Boy John acting the wide-o
to the polis
19
00:01:14,260 --> 00:01:16,259
with his nephew's nap-nap-nappies
on his head
20
00:01:16,260 --> 00:01:17,660
in his Aunty Mary's hooer boots
21
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:18,699
is For Real!
22
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,499
For Real! Here...
23
00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:23,099
There'd better be a squad of yous
to get me in that polis van
24
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:25,579
cos I'm game as fuuu...
25
00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:26,659
For Real!
26
00:01:26,660 --> 00:01:28,499
All right, ladies?
27
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:33,259
How do yous like me now
I've got my sexy boots on?
28
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,380
Jolly Boy John buying a good
sling off the Internet
29
00:01:35,381 --> 00:01:37,979
and firing one of his nephew's pishy
nap-nap-nappies that he's
30
00:01:37,980 --> 00:01:40,340
kept in the freezer all night
at a polis van in the street
31
00:01:40,341 --> 00:01:41,539
is For Real!
32
00:01:41,540 --> 00:01:45,339
? White boots and a nappy hat
? All the chicks go hot for that. ?
33
00:01:45,340 --> 00:01:47,299
Ooh! Ahhh!
34
00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:49,059
Ooh! Ahhh!
35
00:01:49,060 --> 00:01:50,899
? White boots and a nappy hat
36
00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:52,500
? All the chicks go hot for that. ?
37
00:01:52,501 --> 00:01:56,819
Columbo, TJ Hooker,
Miss Marple, Arthur Bostrom.
38
00:01:56,820 --> 00:01:59,419
Yous are all trying to solve
the puzzle of how to be
39
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,539
as For Real as Jolly Boy John.
40
00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:02,659
Get Real!
41
00:03:18,980 --> 00:03:22,899
where Murdoch and his band
of raggle-taggle bounty hunters
42
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:28,220
and soldiers of fortune attacked
Lord Porter and his English army.
43
00:03:29,260 --> 00:03:32,699
It is easy to imagine their hearts
pounding in their chests,
44
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,859
the adrenaline coursing through
their veins
45
00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:40,219
as they charged down the slope
towards the colossal enemy.
46
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,859
YAARGGHHH!
47
00:03:41,860 --> 00:03:44,380
YEEE-AARRGGHH!
48
00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:57,379
Listen hen, yer da's got
a bit of a drink in him,
49
00:03:57,380 --> 00:04:00,979
so gonnae take his shoes aff
and get that fag out his hon
50
00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:02,739
before you go to your bed?
51
00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:04,140
I'm away up the stairs.
52
00:04:10,060 --> 00:04:12,819
New from Ciderson's Games,
53
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:15,660
it's Take yer Da's Shoes Aff Hen.
54
00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:18,899
Can you get yer da's shoes aff
55
00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:20,220
without waking him up?
56
00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:23,098
What about the fag
57
00:04:23,099 --> 00:04:24,540
from between his fingers?
58
00:04:24,541 --> 00:04:27,459
No having a fly puff, now!
59
00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:29,140
Hey, yer only a wean!
60
00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:33,779
And if yer feeling really brave,
61
00:04:33,780 --> 00:04:35,419
you can try and knock a tenner
62
00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:37,300
from that wallet
in his troosers! Go on.
63
00:04:37,301 --> 00:04:39,299
Aw, no!
64
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,579
'Get yersel' tae fuck!'
65
00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:43,539
Take Yer Da's Shoes Aff Hen,
66
00:04:43,540 --> 00:04:44,860
from Ciderson's.
67
00:04:55,020 --> 00:04:56,939
Here.
68
00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:59,060
Have you noticed anything?
69
00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:01,659
Naw. What?
70
00:05:01,660 --> 00:05:03,980
Take a look about ye.
71
00:05:08,380 --> 00:05:09,780
Oh, wait a buckin' minute.
72
00:05:09,781 --> 00:05:13,099
Wait a buckin' minute is right.
Is this a studenty place?
73
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,379
Is this a studenty place?
This better no be a studenty place.
74
00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:18,100
Oh, see if this is
a studenty place...
75
00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:20,419
Hey!
76
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,099
Are you a student?
77
00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:24,180
Em, well, I go to college.
78
00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:27,500
What's that you're drinking?
79
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,579
It better be tea, the same as us.
80
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:30,859
It's a mocha.
81
00:05:30,860 --> 00:05:32,819
A what?! A mocha.
82
00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:34,579
A what?! A mocha.
83
00:05:34,580 --> 00:05:36,499
A what?!? A mocha.
84
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:38,139
A WHAT?!?
85
00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:40,019
You, hen.
86
00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:44,619
Please tell me that is a good,
honest, working class cup of tea.
87
00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:46,739
It's a caramel macchiato.
88
00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:48,459
A caramel macca-what-noo?
89
00:05:48,460 --> 00:05:50,180
Ho! Waitress!
90
00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,420
Is...
91
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,099
this a studenty place?
92
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:58,939
What? Is this, or is this no,
93
00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:01,179
a studenty place full of
wee iPad-using f-Pads?
94
00:06:01,180 --> 00:06:02,339
THE TRUTH!
95
00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:03,739
It's just a coffee shop.
96
00:06:03,740 --> 00:06:05,739
Oh, I get it.
97
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:09,539
So everybody can act all exotic
with their wee coffees?
98
00:06:09,540 --> 00:06:11,339
Me-me-me-me-me!
99
00:06:11,340 --> 00:06:15,019
You tell all your wee studenty pals
100
00:06:15,020 --> 00:06:18,899
that we're no impressed
with their exotic coffee.
101
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,939
A WHAT?!? A mocha!
102
00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:22,180
Ohhh!
103
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,420
Joe! Up the road!
104
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,660
Up the road now!
105
00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:29,699
Up. Up the road now.
106
00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:30,820
Up the road.
107
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:33,979
Up the road.
108
00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:35,500
Up the road!
109
00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:39,300
Up the road now!
110
00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:49,900
Hello. Tell yer quine to drap her
breechs for Herry Maclowdery.
111
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:57,659
? Oh, ye dinna ken a geechie
like awa' and tak' awa'
112
00:06:57,660 --> 00:07:02,499
? When the faur faur winds
ae wiy fae dearer
113
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:06,579
? An' a' ahint the braes
an' afore tae tak' awa'
114
00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:10,380
? There's hot new poolside
pictures of Shakira. ?
115
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:21,499
Well, Doctor?
116
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:25,500
Thank Christ I don't need
to live with that wee prick.
117
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,579
On the run from the English army,
118
00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:57,579
it is here in this beautiful meadow
where Murdoch set up camp
119
00:07:57,580 --> 00:07:59,220
and spent his wedding night.
120
00:08:00,420 --> 00:08:03,219
It is said that he consummated
the marriage
121
00:08:03,220 --> 00:08:06,939
on this very piece of ground.
122
00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:12,339
It is easy to imagine making love
to a beautiful young wife
123
00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:16,899
for the first time in
a beautiful place like this.
124
00:08:16,900 --> 00:08:19,379
Oh! On her back,
125
00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:21,379
feeling the grass beneath her,
126
00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:25,379
as she looks up into the eyes
of her heroic husband.
127
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,660
But...
128
00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:30,299
as legend has it,
129
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:34,299
Murdoch had not yet finished
making love to his new wife
130
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:38,620
for the first time when
Lord Porter's soldiers attacked.
131
00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:44,179
YEEE-AARRGGHH!
132
00:08:44,180 --> 00:08:46,699
AAARRGGHH!
133
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:49,300
AARRGGHH!
134
00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:03,660
Hello, tiger.
135
00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:07,459
Excuse me? "Hello, tiger?"
136
00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:09,539
Mmm, yes. Hello, tiger.
137
00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:11,499
What's that patter about?
138
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:13,059
Well, the management have asked us
139
00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:15,099
to be much nicer to
the jobseekers from now on.
140
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,259
You know they way we normally behave,
darlin'?
141
00:09:17,260 --> 00:09:19,819
Like snidey bastards?
That's right, tiger.
142
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:20,900
Well, we've to bin that,
143
00:09:20,901 --> 00:09:23,899
and we've to be much nicer
from now on, you wee smasher.
144
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:26,939
We have to get at least one
compliment into every exchange.
145
00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:29,379
I don't think I like that, but.
Well, nae luck.
146
00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:32,379
You're just a jobseeker, so as far
as me being nice to you goes,
147
00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:34,820
you'll have to like it or lump it,
ya wee cutie pie.
148
00:09:34,821 --> 00:09:36,819
Right, fair enough.
149
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:41,739
So, have you been looking for work
this week, stud? Eh, aye.
150
00:09:41,740 --> 00:09:44,060
Well, I'm gonnae need some
proof of that, gorgeous.
151
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:45,459
A call centre.
152
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:48,059
I went for an interview,
but nae joy.
153
00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:50,979
One interview?
That's your lot for a week?
154
00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:54,619
I thought you were supposed to give
me a compliment with every exchange.
155
00:09:54,620 --> 00:09:56,100
Sorry, did I miss one there?
156
00:09:56,101 --> 00:09:57,539
Erm... OK, let me...
157
00:09:57,540 --> 00:09:59,699
Let me give you this rose here.
158
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:04,099
It goes nice with your lovely wee
red sweater and that.
159
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:06,340
You know what I think,
though? You're lazy.
160
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:10,219
You're lazy and sleekit.
A lazy, sleekit, wee sweetheart.
161
00:10:10,220 --> 00:10:13,699
Can I just sign on and go? All this
patter's making me feel awkward.
162
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,179
"Just sign on and go?!"
163
00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:18,219
Do you think we should just be
giving free money
164
00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:21,499
to any guy that walks in here
with his beautiful, big brown eyes?
165
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,979
Like a lovely wee Shetland pony
staring at you?
166
00:10:23,980 --> 00:10:26,699
Look, I am looking for work,
all right?
167
00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:29,619
One interview a week isn't good
enough. You should be out there
168
00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:32,259
pounding those streets
with those big, muscular feet.
169
00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:36,499
I'm sick of you lot acting all
high and mighty behind your desks.
170
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,099
See that job of yours, mate?
171
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,299
It's shite!
172
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,659
It's shite!
173
00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:41,979
So just shut your mouth
174
00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:45,179
with your perfect, beautiful teeth
175
00:10:45,180 --> 00:10:48,779
and your lovely full lips and that.
176
00:10:48,780 --> 00:10:50,979
You've got me doing it now.
177
00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:52,899
How dare you abuse me like that!
178
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:54,499
Coming in here shouting at me
179
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:55,940
with that commanding voice
180
00:10:55,941 --> 00:10:58,899
with that rich tone, like
an operatic tenor or something!
181
00:10:58,900 --> 00:10:59,939
You dreamboat!
182
00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:03,139
You know what? You can shove
your benefit money, right?
183
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,859
Because I'm sick of listening to you
184
00:11:05,860 --> 00:11:08,819
with all your charisma
and your charm.
185
00:11:08,820 --> 00:11:13,259
Like some kind of Benefits Office
George Clooney or something, right?
186
00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:16,059
You, mate, are marriage material!
187
00:11:16,060 --> 00:11:17,579
MARRIAGE MATERIAL!
188
00:11:17,580 --> 00:11:19,299
Get out!
189
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:23,139
Get that lovely wee firm tush
of yours wiggling out of that door!
190
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,899
I hate to see you go, mate,
191
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:29,140
but I lo-ove to watch you leave! Mmm!
192
00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:32,260
Hello, tiger.
I'll be with you in a minute.
193
00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,180
Mmm-mmm!
194
00:11:44,540 --> 00:11:46,659
Hello,
my name's Gavin Teeth-Whitened,
195
00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:50,579
and welcome back to
Fight or Dirty Bit.
196
00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:53,739
We're here with this week's
contestant, Davey Crockett.
197
00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:55,779
It's Croquette.
198
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:57,499
Like a potato croquette.
199
00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:59,499
Sorry, Davey.
200
00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:03,579
Are you ready to play
Fight or Dirty Bit? Aye.
201
00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:06,099
Let's take a look at this
short film clip,
202
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,859
and then, Davey,
you tell me what's coming next.
203
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:10,980
Fight or Dirty Bit?
204
00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:18,699
The faucet's just over here.
205
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:22,259
That's good, cos I'm a plumber.
206
00:12:22,260 --> 00:12:25,179
And I'm Susannah.
207
00:12:25,180 --> 00:12:28,780
Let me just open the cupboard
underneath the sink for you.
208
00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:36,299
Davey, Fight, or Dirty Bit?
209
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,379
With a sexy wee arse
on that yin like that?
210
00:12:38,380 --> 00:12:40,099
It's got to be a dirty bit, Gavin.
211
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:41,340
Let's take a look.
212
00:12:45,540 --> 00:12:47,460
Mmm... mmm-mmm.
213
00:12:50,740 --> 00:12:51,860
Get up, Susannah!
214
00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:55,380
Or should I say...
215
00:12:56,380 --> 00:12:58,420
Scorpitarius the Spymaster.
216
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:02,739
You see this.
But you didn't see this!
217
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,220
Damn you!
218
00:13:08,860 --> 00:13:10,260
I'm sorry, Davey.
219
00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:15,339
I'm afraid it was a fight.
220
00:13:15,340 --> 00:13:19,020
Let's go to our ninth
ad break of the show.
221
00:13:22,660 --> 00:13:27,179
Tonight's BTV competition
question is this.
222
00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:30,179
What is a potato "crocket" made of?
223
00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:31,100
Is it...?
224
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,620
The picture clue
will flash on screen now.
225
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,860
And the word clue
will flash up now.
226
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,099
My name's James Jumpstyle,
227
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,340
and the big news is that Jumpstyle
beds and chairs
228
00:13:53,341 --> 00:13:56,460
now delivers to your home,
quickstyle!
229
00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:00,819
We will come to your home, jumpstyle
230
00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:03,340
and put your furniture
EXACTLY where you want it!
231
00:14:07,060 --> 00:14:08,340
Shelves! Chairs!
232
00:14:08,341 --> 00:14:10,219
Couch chairs! Bed chairs!
233
00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:12,099
All delivered by my Jumpstyle boys
234
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:15,140
to the loudest, happiest
hardcore music you can imagine.
235
00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:41,219
And, yes, the rumours are true!
We're happy to introduce
236
00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:43,219
James Jumpstyle's Funeral Service.
237
00:14:43,220 --> 00:14:44,460
Go out in style!
238
00:14:44,461 --> 00:14:45,780
Go out in Jumpstyle!
239
00:15:02,540 --> 00:15:05,659
I came back to Burnistoun
because I was born here
240
00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:07,859
and in Hong Kong, my Scottish accent
241
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:10,339
made my filmmaking career impossible.
242
00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:12,380
No-one could understand
my Scottish patter.
243
00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:18,499
Kung-Fu legend Micky Mann
is a unique director,
244
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:19,899
in that in his films,
245
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:24,539
he is the only performer
who knows he's in a movie.
246
00:15:24,540 --> 00:15:28,219
When you punch an actor, or you kick
an actor, it looks not real.
247
00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:31,779
It looks fake.
That is why I use real people.
248
00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:35,020
In a Micky Mann movie,
you see real people get kicked.
249
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,059
In the spectacular finale
of Beatdown in Burnistoun,
250
00:15:40,060 --> 00:15:43,179
an entire pub full of
unwitting Burnistoun locals
251
00:15:43,180 --> 00:15:47,059
are destroyed in a whirlwind
of Micky's kung-fu moves.
252
00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:49,019
Hello, there. What can I get you?
253
00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:52,659
Using Hong Kong dubbing techniques,
these innocent pub punters
254
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:56,379
are placed into the world
of Micky Mann's movie.
255
00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:59,019
Idiot, you
should not have come here!
256
00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:01,339
I'm not leaving without
the sacred idol.
257
00:16:01,340 --> 00:16:03,539
You will have to defeat us all,
fool!
258
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:05,860
I would like to see him try!
259
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,460
You will pay for your insolence!
260
00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:16,900
This is sacred ground!
261
00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:20,139
Yahhh!
262
00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:22,220
Thank you, kind old lady.
263
00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:25,500
Try my King Kong Palm!
264
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,339
There are a lot of injuries
265
00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:35,259
in my movies, yes,
because it is real.
266
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:37,739
Because I am really
hurting these people.
267
00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:40,019
That makes a better movie.
268
00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:43,059
In this iconic scene
from Beatdown In Burnistoun,
269
00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:46,740
this old man has no idea
that the camera is rolling.
270
00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:53,099
Son, can you tell me
if the 56 has gone by yet?
271
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:56,140
Where are the diamonds?
272
00:16:58,820 --> 00:17:00,900
I want to know,
where are my friends?!
273
00:17:02,580 --> 00:17:05,220
Give me the diamonds,
you little punk!
274
00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:15,659
I decided to stay in Burnistoun
and make a new movie every weekend.
275
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,660
Please, if you see me out there,
do come over and say hello.
276
00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:32,700
Here y'are. Happy birthday, Peter.
277
00:17:36,140 --> 00:17:37,660
Cheers, Scott.
278
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,779
What's the script with this?
It's a hat.
279
00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:04,459
I know it's a hat.
What am I meant to do with a hat?
280
00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:05,579
Wear it.
281
00:18:05,580 --> 00:18:06,820
Do I wear hats?
282
00:18:06,821 --> 00:18:09,059
Have you ever once seen me
wearing a hat?
283
00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:13,179
Naw. But you'll be wearing them
soon, won't you?
284
00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:14,540
How?
285
00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:17,500
What?
286
00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:21,820
No, no, your...
287
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:25,979
What? My heid?
No, your hair, mate.
288
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:28,260
You'll be wearing hats,
what with you going baldy.
289
00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:31,259
I'm... I'm going bald?
290
00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:34,059
I wasn't wanting to just hit out
with it like that, know what I mean,
291
00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:35,900
but, aye, you're receding.
Am I shite!
292
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:38,859
At first, right, I thought it was
mebbe just your nose getting longer,
293
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:42,299
like, at the top, up the way,
but then I was like that,
294
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:44,058
"No, Scott,
noses don't grow upwards,"
295
00:18:44,059 --> 00:18:45,940
and then I realised
it was your hair, mate.
296
00:18:45,941 --> 00:18:49,139
That's garbage, mate.
I've got a full heid of hair, just the same as my da'.
297
00:18:49,140 --> 00:18:52,059
Aye, but your ma's baldy, but.
She looks like Buddha.
298
00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:53,860
That was stress that caused that,
right?
299
00:18:53,861 --> 00:18:56,779
You're always stressed, mate.
Everybody's talking about it, mate.
300
00:18:56,780 --> 00:18:58,859
You being a baldy bastard.
301
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:02,219
Like who? Wee Barry for one.
302
00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:04,219
We saw you going
into the barber's last week
303
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:07,539
and I was like that to him,
"What's he away in there for? To read the meter?"
304
00:19:07,540 --> 00:19:09,978
There must be something wrong
with your eyesight, mate,
305
00:19:09,979 --> 00:19:11,660
if you think this
is a baldy guy's heid.
306
00:19:11,661 --> 00:19:15,139
See if you shine a light
through your hair, mate,
307
00:19:15,140 --> 00:19:17,219
it goes all translucent
like a ghost.
308
00:19:17,220 --> 00:19:20,899
That's what they call you
down the pub, mate - haunted heid.
309
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:25,179
Nope. I was like that
to that wee barmaid last week,
310
00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:27,419
"His heid looks like
a grey dandelion, man.
311
00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:30,379
"You could blow on it
and make a wish."
312
00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:34,779
Grey? It's like a BLACK
dandelion, mate, right?
313
00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:39,059
I better no hear anybody saying my
heid looks like a dandelion, right?
314
00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:41,979
You know what? You're just raging
because it's my birthday, right?
315
00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:44,699
You're trying to ruin it as per,
316
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:46,779
trying to give me
a negative body image.
317
00:19:46,780 --> 00:19:49,459
What did you get me last year?
Do you remember?
318
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:50,699
A male corset.
319
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:54,419
Aye, that's right. And this year it's
my hair. Well, I'm no havin' it.
320
00:19:54,420 --> 00:19:58,540
You can shove your present
right up your translucent arse.
321
00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:13,460
Just because it's cold outside,
mate, right?
322
00:20:18,140 --> 00:20:23,699
We are gathered here today to unveil
this tribute to a Burnistoun legend.
323
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:27,979
The greatest hero
that Burnistoun has ever produced.
324
00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:32,499
Must we list his achievements?
Ten Olympic gold medals.
325
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:35,499
Undisputed boxing champion
of the world.
326
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:40,619
The winner of five Oscars,
four Grammys and three Tony awards.
327
00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:43,059
A Nobel prize-winning heart surgeon.
328
00:20:43,060 --> 00:20:46,580
A best-selling novelist
and a war hero.
329
00:20:54,060 --> 00:20:56,819
And we immortalise him today
in this statue,
330
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:59,619
captured in his most famous
photo moment,
331
00:20:59,620 --> 00:21:04,740
as he sticks the Scottish flag
into the surface of the planet Mars.
332
00:21:05,980 --> 00:21:09,939
Burnistoun's greatest man -
the world's greatest man...
333
00:21:09,940 --> 00:21:11,619
ladies and gentlemen...
334
00:21:11,620 --> 00:21:15,059
my son... when he grows up.
335
00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:17,700
Nae pressure.
336
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:39,219
So you've been wi' us
for a while now, son.
337
00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:40,539
Four years.
338
00:21:40,540 --> 00:21:44,339
So you understand that the three
standard cakes that we do here
339
00:21:44,340 --> 00:21:48,179
are the football pitch for the boys,
the girl on the pony for the girls
340
00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:51,259
and the plain one with
the birthday message for the adults.
341
00:21:51,260 --> 00:21:52,739
Yes.
342
00:21:52,740 --> 00:21:59,340
Good. So, could you possibly
explain to me this cake here?
343
00:22:01,740 --> 00:22:06,099
Well. The dove is the bird of love,
obviously,
344
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:09,579
and here we see it being decapitated
by society's sword of oppression.
345
00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:12,579
This is to represent the fact
that society always tries to kill
346
00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:15,979
any love that's different
to how they define it.
347
00:22:15,980 --> 00:22:19,979
And what are these wee men falling
on to this man and woman here?
348
00:22:19,980 --> 00:22:24,779
It isn't a man and woman - it's a
lesbian couple. And these wee men here represent organised religion.
349
00:22:24,780 --> 00:22:28,179
They're falling from the sky because
they're the dove's last shit.
350
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:31,539
Man's attempt to organise
and categorise spirituality
351
00:22:31,540 --> 00:22:35,019
has caused the dove of love to
defecate on this blameless couple.
352
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,419
So.
353
00:22:36,420 --> 00:22:40,299
You want me to put, in the front
window of my family baker's,
354
00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:45,419
a cake that shows the image
of the world's spiritual leaders
355
00:22:45,420 --> 00:22:47,659
being shat out of
a decapitated dove's arse
356
00:22:47,660 --> 00:22:50,619
and landing on top
of some giant lesbians?
357
00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:51,739
Yes.
358
00:22:51,740 --> 00:22:55,059
It's supposed to be a wean's
birthday cake, son.
359
00:22:55,060 --> 00:23:00,219
Now, I'm nothing if no
an open-minded baker, right, but - and correct me if I'm wrong...
360
00:23:00,220 --> 00:23:04,219
I don't think Gregg's managed
to be the country's biggest baker's
361
00:23:04,220 --> 00:23:06,579
by putting violent
visual representations
362
00:23:06,580 --> 00:23:09,020
of the plight of the lesbians
on their steak bakes!
363
00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:12,740
Now, what is this one here?
364
00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:18,099
Well, this is a four-year-old boy
saying goodbye to his nursery friend
365
00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:20,619
who is an asylum seeker
that the British government
366
00:23:20,620 --> 00:23:23,099
is deporting
back to his country of origin
367
00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:26,699
where his family will
almost certainly be put to death.
368
00:23:26,700 --> 00:23:29,459
He's saying,
"My friend is going away to die.
369
00:23:29,460 --> 00:23:32,539
"And also there is no God
and no Heaven."
370
00:23:32,540 --> 00:23:35,539
Oh-ho! Happy days, eh?
371
00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:38,139
Happy birthday memories!
372
00:23:38,140 --> 00:23:40,260
Weans usually fight over
who gets the bit of cake
373
00:23:40,261 --> 00:23:42,819
with a football on it.
I don't see anybody going,
374
00:23:42,820 --> 00:23:45,739
"Mammy, can I have the bit of cake
with the sad boy
375
00:23:45,740 --> 00:23:49,859
"grieving o'er his doomed pal and
questioning the existence of God?"
376
00:23:49,860 --> 00:23:52,179
If they eat good art
it will enrich their soul.
377
00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:53,940
This one, I like.
378
00:23:56,380 --> 00:24:01,259
A wee bit of Greek mythology there.
Medusa with the snakes for hair.
379
00:24:01,260 --> 00:24:03,739
Well, that's an interesting
interpretation,
380
00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:07,219
but this isn't Medusa
and these arenae snakes.
381
00:24:07,220 --> 00:24:09,419
I know they're not snakes!
382
00:24:09,420 --> 00:24:11,699
It's a woman with a hair cut
full of willies!
383
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:14,379
It represents women's
eternal subjugation by men.
384
00:24:14,380 --> 00:24:16,300
There's old wifeys who shop in here
385
00:24:16,301 --> 00:24:19,459
who have only ever seen their
husbands' willies in the dark
386
00:24:19,460 --> 00:24:21,259
and you want me to show them this?
387
00:24:21,260 --> 00:24:25,100
Yes. What were you planning
on writing on it?
388
00:24:26,140 --> 00:24:27,900
"Happy fourth birthday, Connor".
389
00:24:29,740 --> 00:24:32,939
I cannae see it working, son.
I cannae see people going,
390
00:24:32,940 --> 00:24:35,219
"It's my son's fourth birthday
this weekend.
391
00:24:35,220 --> 00:24:37,899
"Any chance I could get one of
they cakes with a subjugated woman
392
00:24:37,900 --> 00:24:39,739
"with a tadger demi wave?"
393
00:24:39,740 --> 00:24:41,539
But these...
394
00:24:41,540 --> 00:24:42,939
No.
395
00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:46,379
The great artists innovate
within the restrictions
396
00:24:46,380 --> 00:24:50,499
that are laid out for them.
That is what makes them great.
397
00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:53,659
Football pitches... and ponies.
398
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,380
Now get back to work.
399
00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:14,100
Gingerbread ladyboy!
400
00:25:23,020 --> 00:25:25,619
There are three-course
pre-theatre menus
401
00:25:25,620 --> 00:25:29,019
and there are three-course
pre-theatre menus.
402
00:25:29,020 --> 00:25:31,460
And then there's me.
403
00:25:42,460 --> 00:25:45,179
? Brother, I've got another question
404
00:25:45,180 --> 00:25:47,419
? I cannae get it out ma heid
405
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,419
? I'd find the answer
In a book if I could
406
00:25:49,420 --> 00:25:52,219
? But you know
That I cannae even read
407
00:25:52,220 --> 00:25:54,339
? I know who the
question's about, mate
408
00:25:54,340 --> 00:25:56,739
? It's women
Frae young uns to mammies
409
00:25:56,740 --> 00:25:58,819
? And why they're all out
Cuttin' about
410
00:25:58,820 --> 00:26:01,499
? Wearin' their
motherbuckin' jammies
411
00:26:01,500 --> 00:26:03,739
? Why are you cuttin' aboot
In jammies
412
00:26:03,740 --> 00:26:06,019
? Why are you cuttin' about
In jammies
413
00:26:06,020 --> 00:26:08,379
? Jammies, jam, jam
Jam, jammies
414
00:26:08,380 --> 00:26:10,459
? Why are you cuttin' aboot
In jammies
415
00:26:10,460 --> 00:26:12,700
? DJ, break it doon for the PJ. ?
416
00:26:26,780 --> 00:26:31,139
What you see below you
is now a car park,
417
00:26:31,140 --> 00:26:36,659
but in Murdoch's time this was
a popular spot for English soldiers
418
00:26:36,660 --> 00:26:39,619
travelling north to set up camp.
419
00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:42,579
Murdoch made an educated guess
420
00:26:42,580 --> 00:26:46,179
that Lord Porter's soldiers
would end up here.
421
00:26:46,180 --> 00:26:49,659
This is Murdoch's sword.
422
00:26:49,660 --> 00:26:55,139
He made a promise to his men that
if Lord Porter rode into this place
423
00:26:55,140 --> 00:26:58,459
he would first remove him
from his horse
424
00:26:58,460 --> 00:27:01,420
and then remove
his head from his body.
425
00:27:29,472 --> 00:27:57,944
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http://UKsubtitles.ru. Support Us and Donate.
426
00:27:57,994 --> 00:28:02,544
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