All language subtitles for Burnistoun s03e01.eng

What's your name?

Donny McMonagle.
Is there a problem, Officer?

We'll find out in a minute.
Suck into this.

Suck? Do I not blow?

You suck these new ones. Hurry up.

Now what did you say your
name was, again?

Donny McMonagle.

Hey, that's no funny! I'll be
putting a complaint in about this!

Quality polis, man!

Hey, see you later, Orville!

Em... Just a cappuccino, please.

To take away, or sit in?

Aw, to sit in, thanks.

OK. Right over here.

That's great, thanks.

Awright? I'm Jolly Boy John.

Jolly Boy John holding a wee plank o'
wood is for real.

Jolly Boy John sniffing
a wee plank o' wood is for real.

I love sniffing planks.

Jolly Boy John phoning up joiners to
tell them their planks o' wood

are getting sniffed is for real.

Awright, mate. Are you the joiner?
You're getting your planks sniffed.

I'm coming down there to sniff
your planks, wee man.

Your planks are getting sniffed,
stupid joiner boy.

Jolly Boy John wearing all his da's
false teeth like earrings

and getting a squirrel in a bunnet
up his hoose

to sniff some planks of wood
is for real.

? A squirrel in a bunnet
A squirrel in a bunnet

? A squirrel in a bunnet
Plank sniffers for life

? A squirrel in a bunnet
A squirrel in a bunnet. ?

Trevor McDonald. Moira Stewart.
Peter Sissons.

Youse say the news is that youse want
to be as For Real as Jolly Boy John.

Balls.

Balls.

Balls.

Here, boys, boys!

Here, Tommy!

Listen, I've got a new song
for the day.

Here we go. What now?

You see, when the other mob score,
we sing this.

? You're ruining a nice day out! ?

Terrible. Terrible, Tommy.

? And youse are bastards. ?

There are lovers,
and there are lovers.

And then there's me.

All right, lads? What do you want?

Vodka and coke for me and a pint of
cider for my brah.

Your bra?

No, no my bra. My brah.

No your bra, your bra?

Did I say, "No my bra, my bra?"
No, I said, "No my bra, my brah."

You saying my brah's
calling me a bra?

All right, brah, I'll deal with this.

Now my brah things his ain brah's
calling him a bra.

I don't want rumours
I got called a bra by my ain brah.

He wouldn't do that to me.
I wouldnae do that to my brah.

It sounds like you're saying bra.

Look, mate, it's simple, right?
Mother, father, sister, brah.

My brah, mate. My brah.
No my bra, no...

My bra.

No my bra.

Stop. Right. There.

'Sake, man. Every time.

You're on that couch sleeping all
night and when I come in late

and try and sneak past you,
you always catch me.

How do you do it, Da?

Cos I'm the best, hen.

Stop. Right. There.

Stop. Right. There.

Pish!

Stop. Right. There.

Arsehole!

I'm the best.

Hullo. Stick yer hauns up your
wheecht for Harry MacLowdery.

? Awa deocht a drouth an
ken tae wae a gley

? An tak awa the deoch
ahin the haunsy

? Nae ken tae tak ye awa
an tak awa

? An Lady Gaga's tourin'
wi' Beyonce. ?

OK, nice easy one to start off
the quiz for you today, George.

'The national anthem of
Great Britain.'

What's the missing word?

God Save The...?

Eh, God Save The...

Pandas?

No. Why would the national anthem
be God Save The Pandas?

Well, they're nearly extinct.

It's God Save the Queen, George.

Ach, I would never have got that.
I'm no into football.

Football? Let's move on to the next
one. It's the musical odd one out.

Aw, cool. Music's my thing.

OK. Who is the odd one out?

John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George
Harrison or Charlie Watts?

I assume you know who all these
people are, George?

Aye. John Lennon, Paul McCartney and
George Harrison were in The Beatles.

Charlie Watts is the drummer
for the Rolling Stones.

'Exactly. So who's the odd one out?'

George Harrison?

Wrong. Why would you say
George Harrison?

He's the only one with the
same name as me.

The question isn't related to you,
George, OK?

It's a musical odd one out.
The musical element is the key.

Right, right, I've got you.

Right, OK.
So, who's the odd one out?

George Harrison.

No! Aye. He's the only one that
plays lead guitar.

Look. They all play different
instruments George, OK?

We're not going to have a wrong
answer. We're going to get it right.

Now, it's far more obvious
than that.

Mair obvious? Right. OK.

The most obvious, George, the most
obvious. So, what's the answer?

George Harrison.

He's the only one whose initials
follow each other in the alphabet.

GH.

No! Look, you practically
told me what the answer was

when you said who they were
and what bands they were in.

So it's something to do with The
Beatles and the Rolling Stones?

Of course it is.

'Right, right, OK.'

Charlie Watts is in the
Rolling Stones.

John Lennon and Paul McCartney,
I think,

wrote one of the Rolling Stones'
first singles,

so the odd one out
is George Harrison

because he didn't have anything
to do with the Stones.

No, George! No! The answer is not
George Harrison.

'It's obvious.
Three of them played in what band?'

The Beatles.

And one of them played in
what other band?

The Rolling Sto...

What an idiot. Right, I've got you,
I've got you now, I've got you.

You're sure?

Aye, aye.

You're not going to say
George Harrison again?

No.

OK. John Lennon, Paul McCartney,
George Harrison and Charlie Watts,

finally, George,
who's the odd one out?

Ringo Starr.

No! Aye. He's the only one
of The Beatles left out.

He wasn't even an option!

You swapped Ringo Starr
for Charlie Watts.

Yes, so Charlie Watts
is the odd one out.

No. Charlie Watts is the odd one in.
Charlie's in. Ringo's out.

Oh, God!

Hullo? Mate, do you have any quizzes
about fish suppers?

Or any quizzes about
sausage suppers?

Can I say hello to my friends at
the Society for Lopsided Goats?

Mate?

Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets. Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets. Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets.

Pallets.

Wooden palle-e-e-ts.

Excuse me.
Do you sell wooden pallets?

Naw.

Just banter. It's all we sell.

Wooden pallets.
What else is there to know?

Here's the shop.

Here it is on a map.

Here's yer maw inside the shop.

Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.

Woode-e-e-e-n. Pallets!

Woode-e-e-e-n.

Pallets! Pallets!
Pallets! Pallets! Pallets!

Pallets! Pallets! Pallets!
Pallets! Pallets!

Wooden pallets.

Lewis, so glad to see you finally
made it. What happened?

My dad said to give you this.

OK, Lewis, that's fine.
Go and sit down.

John, thanks for coming.
Thanks for asking me to come.

Thanks for reading the email
so promptly.

Thanks for pencilling me in
so quickly.

Thanks for making yourself
available at such short notice.

Thanks for being so polite.
Thanks for noticing.

Would you like a cup of tea?
Yes, thank you for asking.

Oh, there you are now.

Thanks for not being difficult and
asking for a different drink.

Thanks for having some tea at hand
in spite of you preferring coffee.

Thanks for noticing coffee
is my favourite drink.

Thanks for noticing how
observant I am.

Thanks.

I'll tell you what it is.
It's about... Oh, before that.

Thanks for filling in
this application form so tidily.

Thanks for issuing such
a straight forward application form.

Thanks for using block capitals
and a black pen.

Thanks for insisting on a black pen,
my favourite colour of pen.

Thanks for telling me your
favourite colours and beverages.

Thanks for making me this
lovely cup of tea.

Thanks for not slurping your tea
there but silently sipping.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Anyway, this application form...
Oh, by the way,

thanks for the lovely
pressed flowers.

Oh, thanks for inspiring me to start
my flower pressing hobby again.

Thanks for reminding me of summer
days on my grandfather's farm.

Thanks for reminding me of my late
grandmother, who I dearly loved.

Thanks. Thanks.
So here's the issue.

At the end of the personal bio,
there's a word

and it's the one word that we can't
understand here in the office

because the ink is smudged.

Oh, thanks for letting me know.

It starts with a T.

A T? Yes.

"And that is why I think I'll
be a perfect fit for your company

"and the type of people
who work there".

And then that word, T-smudge-S.

T and then an S at the end.

Thanks for trying to work this out.
Very helpful here.

Thanks.

Oooooh, no, sorry, no idea
what I was going on about there.

Well, there's a theory in the office
that it might be the word tossers.

Tossers?!

"And that is why I think I might be
a perfect fit for your company

"and the type of people who work
there, tossers."

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
I suppose it must be that then

because I can't think what else it
could possibly be.

Well, in that case, your application
is rejected. Thanks for coming.

Thanks for asking me. Thanks.
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Seriously, thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thank you.

John, John, thanks.

Let me tell you this, I thank you.

Thanks. Thanks.

Balls.

No balls.

Balls. No balls.

Balls.

Where do you think you're going?

Where do you think you're going?

Aw, pish!

Where do you think you're going?

How do you always know?

Cos I'm the best, hen. The best.

'Sake!

Come on.

Right, that's it!
Get a room, you pair.

Come on, May, we're leaving.

'The University of Burnistoun
presents Snide Looks 101.

'A beginners' guide to pulling
snidey faces.'

Coming to a cinema this fall,

open your heart to cinema's
hottest new hunky star.

I've never dated a Scotsman before.

Are you as wild and crazy
as people say?

Oh, there's nothing so wild and crazy
as the Scoddish.

What ye talking like that fur?

Sorry, who are you?

Oh, I'm just a real guy, mate. Just
like the old guys from Scotland.

The question is, who are you, mate?
Where are you fae?

I'm from Scodland.

Scodland?
Who says Scotland like that, mate?

I'll tell ye who.

Scottish actors that have slagged
their way to Hollywood...

and fannies.

How d'ye no just say Sco'land
like a real guy,

like your da or your uncle
would say it.

Sco'land. Sco'land. Sco'land.

Nae D sound in there, mate.

No even a T sound in there.

Just an UH. Sco-uh-land.

Look, buddy, we're trying to have
a romandic dinner here.

Buddy?

Buddy, mate?
Who says buddy in Scotland?

Why can ye no call guys
things that real guys call guys?

Things like mucker, mate, Jim,
chief, pal, big yin, wee yin.

Things like yer da, yer uncle
would call yer uncle or da.

Here, mucker, ye goin' to the
Scotland game tonight?

Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw,
naw, naw, naw,

I'm goin' tae Hollywood so I
can say Scotland like this.

Scodland.

And call a real guy... buddy.

What do ye want fer yer dinner?

I'll have the chicken.

I'll have the toona.

Toona?

Chuna, mate, chuna.
Ch, ch, ch, chuna.

What's with arseholes
and the letter T?

Scottish guys, mate, real guys, we
pronounce the letter T wi' a CH.

Mon, hen, 'mon you wi' a real guy,
cos this guy...

is a cunch.

Here, Emma, come and see
this stoater.

When you're that out of it,
you're stoating like that,

there's nothing will stop ye.
I know.

What speed do you think he's going?
Mmm, three mile an hour?

That's what I thought.

There he is, there he's there.

Aw, you've got Sat Nav now?

Aye, got it for my birthday.

Got a celebrity voice on it?

Naw. Came with my dad's voice on it.

Your dad's voice?

'D'ye never think of giein the
inside of this motor a clean, son?

'Left, left, left, left, left!

'I said left for buck's sake.
Are you deef?'

I was past the turn before
you said it.

'Should have buckin drove myself.
Burly about.'

That's pretty good.
That sounds just like him.

'Are you no a fan
of indicators, Derek?

'They're these wee flashing lights

'that let other drivers know
your manoeuvres.

'Sack that, go straight on.
Whenever you're ready.'

'Switch that indicator off.
It's no big deal.

'It's only the language of the
road that the rest of us all use.

'It's no Brands Hatch, son.'

I wasnae goin' fast.

'Pull over, I'll just walk.

'I always said I wanted cremated
but no right now

'in some fireball accident
you've caused.'

Well, walk, then.

'Left, left!
Oh, you've missed it again.'

Can you give me a bit of warning?

'Is this a prison ship we're on?'

No. 'Then why are you right up
that guy's arse?

You drive.

'Aw, what have I said now?

'Honestly, you're like a bloody
wallflower.

'I'll say what I want about your
driving, right? You know why?

'Yer 35 year old and you're
still on my insurance.

'Your ma won't let me
take you off it.

'You're on my rescue recovery an
all. You're costing me a fortune.

'Turn left!'

Balls.

All right, Scott?

Scott?

Scott!

What?

I said, "All right."

Hold on a minute, eh?
Trying to do a Tweet here.

Telling my followers
what's happening.

Did you just say followers?

Scott, mate, the only people
that follow you

are investigators fae the social.

Mate, I've got 207 followers
on this now,

and now they're all updated
with my gossip.

All what gossip?
What did you just Tweet them?

I just Tweeted,
"That's Peter coming in."

Oh, well.
That must have them gripped, eh?

I mean, that revelation must really
have them on the edge of their seat.

If they're allowed seats
in a mental hospital,

where your followers must live.

Well, mate, @cara20 just tweeted
back at me...

"Is Peter as cute as you are?"

You're cute?

Did she get her guide dog
to Tweet that for her?

Just a bit of flirting, all right?
I flirt with all my followers.

Mate, gonnae stop saying
followers, right.

D'ye think you're some kind of
inspirational leader or something?

What ye doing? Just taking yer photo
for Facebook, man. Er, why?

Well, cos this is happening,
isn't it?

This is something that's happening.

So I want to put it on my
timeline so I can look at it.

Scott, mate,
I come over here every single day.

We live this miserable day
together, every single day.

Who could possibly want to see
photies of it?

Your doctor when you're trying to get
a prescription for anti depressants?

Listen, mate,
I dinnae want to go here, but...

Do you want to stop
being such a Luddite.

Such a whit now?

A Luddite, mate.
You're scared of technology.

You're no engaging
with any of it, mate.

I says to wee Barry the other day,
I was like that,

"See Peter, he's no across any
of these new technologies.

"He's no sharing content
the way the rest of us are."

Whit?

See me and wee Barry, Peter, we're
frictionlessly sharing playlists

and other stuff we've curated
all the time, man.

Even your maw's started
live streaming now.

Everybody's daein it.
You're getting left behind, mate.

Well, you know what, Scott?

I'd rather be a Luddite
than a Fuddite.

I'd rather be a Luddite
than a Fuddite? That's a belter.

Yes, five retweets already, man.

There are bedroom gymnasts
and there are bedroom gymnasts.

And then there's me.

Hey, man, welcome to Look Good For
The Lassies But Feel Like A Dickhead.

How can I help you?

I'm looking for some claes that
would make lassies mebbe fancy me,

but at the same time kind of make me
feel like a total dickhead.

Well, you've come to the
right place.

What do you think I need?

Come and have a look
at our mannequins.

What one of these mannequins do you
most feel like hooking in the jaw?

Well, the one in the middle
looks like the biggest arsehole,

you know what I mean, with his wee
man bag and his braces and all that

but having said that, he probably
has zero problems getting his hole.

Well, that's the outfit for you.

Let's go and try some of these
clothes on.

Oh, I don't know, man. I kind of
hate myself, know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong, if I'm a lassie

I'm probably firing right into this
Mumford and Sons-looking fanny here,

but if I saw myself walking into
a Burnistoun boozer

I'd probably want
to toe my ain baws.

I think you look great.

You look like a total dickhead but my
sister would be all over you.

I feel like knocking you spark out.
You look fantastic.

All right, man, I'll take them.

Four, seven, five, eight.

Right, give me a wee ring some time
and we'll sort something out.

Sounds great. Bye.

Nice hat, ya fanny!

Yaaaas!

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0