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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,040
This programme contains adult humour.
2
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Ca-caow! Ca-caow!
3
00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:31,681
Ca-caow! Ca-caow!
4
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:40,161
Ca-caow! Ca-caow!
5
00:00:41,721 --> 00:00:45,401
Ca-caow! Ca-caow!
6
00:00:48,121 --> 00:00:51,881
So, there WAS actually
another hunter.
7
00:00:53,561 --> 00:00:54,721
Ca-caow!
8
00:01:01,801 --> 00:01:03,321
Ca-caow!
9
00:01:11,281 --> 00:01:14,761
Come on, doll.
You and me up the dancing.
10
00:01:14,761 --> 00:01:18,441
No, I said. I've got a boyfriend.
11
00:01:18,441 --> 00:01:22,441
Well, where is he? I don't see him.
12
00:01:22,441 --> 00:01:24,201
You heard the lassie.
13
00:01:26,081 --> 00:01:29,401
Doberman Man. Oh, my God.
14
00:01:29,401 --> 00:01:32,281
This is so cool. Doberman Man.
15
00:01:32,281 --> 00:01:34,121
My arch nemesis -
16
00:01:34,121 --> 00:01:36,481
big Sonny Dolan's boy.
17
00:01:36,481 --> 00:01:38,961
You don't change,
do you, Doberman Man?
18
00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:42,201
You still got a baldy
wee acorn in your pants?
19
00:01:42,201 --> 00:01:46,561
That wee acorn has become an
extremely hairy oak, my old enemy.
20
00:01:46,561 --> 00:01:49,321
I bet you're still
a virgin, but, eh?
21
00:01:49,321 --> 00:01:54,641
I suggest you walk away from this
situation before things turn ugly.
22
00:01:54,641 --> 00:01:57,521
See, he's not even
answering the question.
23
00:01:57,521 --> 00:02:00,881
He's still a wee VL,
wee virgin lips.
24
00:02:00,881 --> 00:02:03,721
I've got a girlfriend,
actually. Who?
25
00:02:05,761 --> 00:02:08,801
You wouldn't know her.
She stays up my granny's bit.
26
00:02:08,801 --> 00:02:13,481
She stays up my granny's bit.
Aye, ding-dong, wee man.
27
00:02:13,481 --> 00:02:15,561
Ow! What was that?
28
00:02:15,561 --> 00:02:17,321
A 30 centimetre Helix ruler.
29
00:02:17,321 --> 00:02:21,761
Just what you used to use on all
of us back in 2C, my ancient foe,
30
00:02:21,761 --> 00:02:24,521
and I've got plenty more
of them where that came from.
31
00:02:24,521 --> 00:02:29,481
There a bus stop.
You know what to do. My pole-shagging days are over.
32
00:02:29,481 --> 00:02:32,041
The only things I screw
are the criminal careers
33
00:02:32,041 --> 00:02:37,241
of ne'er-do-wells like yourself.
So you are admitting that you're a virgin. I never said that.
34
00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:40,401
Don't listen to him, hen.
I've had loads of girlfriends.
35
00:02:40,401 --> 00:02:43,321
I bet you've never even gave
a lassie a slippy slammer.
36
00:02:43,321 --> 00:02:45,481
I think you'll find I have.
37
00:02:45,481 --> 00:02:47,521
Have you? Ew!
38
00:02:47,521 --> 00:02:51,281
Imagine you giving
a lassie a slippy slammer.
39
00:02:51,281 --> 00:02:54,201
Well, obviously I was joking.
I haven't.
40
00:02:54,201 --> 00:02:57,601
You haven't? He's not even
given a lassie a slippy slammer. Ew!
41
00:02:57,601 --> 00:02:58,881
Ow!
42
00:02:58,881 --> 00:03:05,601
This is my city now
and I will make this a city that is safe for good, decent virgins...
43
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:07,361
Good, decent people.
44
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:12,841
Nobody will be getting the back
of their jackets groggered on on my watch. I loved that jacket!
45
00:03:12,841 --> 00:03:18,121
Ow! That was years ago,
for God's sake. Get over it.
46
00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:23,401
Are you all right, ma'am?
47
00:03:23,401 --> 00:03:26,001
Oh, that was amazing, Doberman.
48
00:03:26,001 --> 00:03:28,641
You want to come back
to mine for a drink?
49
00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:33,641
Er... No, my mammy
says I've got to be in by 12.
50
00:03:33,641 --> 00:03:38,641
But it's only half 11 and I actually
just wanted to get off with you.
51
00:03:38,641 --> 00:03:41,081
Really? Look out, Susan!
52
00:03:52,281 --> 00:03:54,641
MACHINE WHIRS
53
00:03:54,641 --> 00:03:55,761
MACHINE STOPS
54
00:03:59,201 --> 00:04:00,761
Not again.
55
00:04:02,721 --> 00:04:04,481
MACHINE WHIRS
56
00:04:04,481 --> 00:04:06,041
MACHINE STOPS
57
00:04:12,841 --> 00:04:14,321
Come on!
58
00:04:17,441 --> 00:04:19,321
Come on, you robbing...bastard!
59
00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:26,041
Aaaaaggghhhhh!
60
00:04:27,041 --> 00:04:29,441
MACHINE WHIRS
Oh! Oh!
61
00:04:29,441 --> 00:04:31,001
Agh!
62
00:04:31,001 --> 00:04:33,161
Agh! Ah!
63
00:04:33,161 --> 00:04:34,601
Agh!
64
00:04:34,601 --> 00:04:36,121
Ah-argh! Ah!
65
00:04:47,561 --> 00:04:51,521
Do you have a loan of a tenner? No.
66
00:04:58,321 --> 00:05:01,601
How many books did you buy? Ten.
67
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:04,401
Ten? You're off your nut.
68
00:05:04,401 --> 00:05:07,081
Did you hear what happened
to wee Jenny Russell's man?
69
00:05:07,081 --> 00:05:10,281
Oh, Jenny Russell that used to go
to the dancing with Kathy Bennett?
70
00:05:10,281 --> 00:05:14,241
Kathy Bennett
never went to the dancing, she had an orthopaedic shoe.
71
00:05:14,241 --> 00:05:17,001
Not Aine Watson's pal, Kathy Bennett.
72
00:05:17,001 --> 00:05:19,081
Rita Laidlaw's pal, Kathy Bennett.
73
00:05:19,081 --> 00:05:21,161
Aye, her, aye, that's right.
74
00:05:21,161 --> 00:05:23,041
That Jenny Russell, her man.
75
00:05:23,041 --> 00:05:25,081
Did you hear about her man?
76
00:05:25,081 --> 00:05:28,401
Is he dead?
Aye, did you hear already?
77
00:05:28,401 --> 00:05:29,921
No, it was just a guess, mate.
78
00:05:29,921 --> 00:05:34,921
Whenever you tell me about
somebody's man, they're usually dead. You're a bit morbid that way.
79
00:05:34,921 --> 00:05:37,481
Och, away! Me? Morbid?
80
00:05:37,481 --> 00:05:40,921
Me that is up that club every
Saturday night jigging away?
81
00:05:40,921 --> 00:05:43,321
I was just relating a story.
82
00:05:43,321 --> 00:05:46,161
A story about death. As usual.
83
00:05:46,161 --> 00:05:48,201
Och, away you go, Nan.
84
00:05:49,721 --> 00:05:54,041
Oh, did you hear about wee
Jenny Macintyre's man? Is he dead?
85
00:05:56,681 --> 00:05:59,441
Aye,
but that's not the story anyway.
86
00:05:59,441 --> 00:06:03,201
It's about something that
happened months before he died.
87
00:06:03,201 --> 00:06:09,281
All right, what happened? His doctor
told him he had six months to live.
88
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:11,681
There you go again,
you are obsessed with death.
89
00:06:11,681 --> 00:06:15,001
I am bloody well not
obsessed with death. What, me?
90
00:06:15,001 --> 00:06:19,041
Me that's up that club
every Saturday night, jigging away like nobody's business?
91
00:06:19,041 --> 00:06:22,641
Look, I'm winning this national the
night so let's just focus on that.
92
00:06:22,641 --> 00:06:24,281
How much is the big one the night?
93
00:06:24,281 --> 00:06:26,401
Three grand. Ooft!
94
00:06:26,401 --> 00:06:31,001
That's how much Annie Donnely
said her man's funeral cost.
95
00:06:31,001 --> 00:06:34,041
There you go again, more morbid talk.
96
00:06:34,041 --> 00:06:36,921
That was money talk, Nan,
money talk.
97
00:06:36,921 --> 00:06:39,961
Well, I don't want to hear any talk
about death, OK?
98
00:06:39,961 --> 00:06:43,281
There's enough about without
listening about it at the bingo.
99
00:06:43,281 --> 00:06:46,561
You better calm yourself down,
hen, or you'll have a stroke.
100
00:06:46,561 --> 00:06:50,401
Like the one
that killed wee Ruby's man.
101
00:06:50,401 --> 00:06:53,721
I'm sitting somewhere else, Dr Death.
102
00:06:53,721 --> 00:06:56,601
It just slipped out, sit down...
103
00:06:59,681 --> 00:07:02,641
I'm a bloody widow, you know.
104
00:07:02,641 --> 00:07:05,761
I'm sorry, it will not happen again.
105
00:07:05,761 --> 00:07:08,481
Eyes down, everyone, as we kick off.
106
00:07:08,481 --> 00:07:12,321
And the first number
is six and seven - 67.
107
00:07:12,321 --> 00:07:14,721
Here, that's the age
your Harry was when he died.
108
00:07:33,481 --> 00:07:35,761
I'm looking for an attractive girl.
109
00:07:35,761 --> 00:07:37,441
I'm supposed to meet her here.
110
00:07:37,441 --> 00:07:40,361
There's a lassie hanging about
in that booth, my man.
111
00:07:40,361 --> 00:07:41,961
Thanks.
112
00:07:50,201 --> 00:07:52,241
Hello, Bond.
113
00:07:52,241 --> 00:07:55,401
My name is Pocahontas. Pocahontas?
114
00:07:55,401 --> 00:07:59,561
Yes, my great-grandfather
was Native American.
115
00:07:59,561 --> 00:08:02,561
You can call me Poke for short.
116
00:08:02,561 --> 00:08:04,641
Poke McGusset.
117
00:08:04,641 --> 00:08:06,681
I thought you'd never ask.
118
00:08:09,841 --> 00:08:12,481
This is my friend,
she'll be helping us.
119
00:08:12,481 --> 00:08:15,601
Her name's Giza.
120
00:08:15,601 --> 00:08:19,161
I was conceived when my parents
honeymooned at the Great Pyramids.
121
00:08:20,121 --> 00:08:25,321
Giza, Giza Gobble. That's my line.
122
00:08:28,521 --> 00:08:31,721
This is our other friend.
She'll be helping us too.
123
00:08:31,721 --> 00:08:35,961
Hello, Mr Bond. My name's Myfanny.
124
00:08:35,961 --> 00:08:38,721
Myfanny Smith.
125
00:08:38,721 --> 00:08:43,721
Don't have any designs on me,
Mr Bond, I will be marrying my fiance next week -
126
00:08:43,721 --> 00:08:47,281
Italian financier, Gian Luca Zichi.
127
00:08:47,281 --> 00:08:50,681
Consider me future
Mrs Myfanny Zichi.
128
00:08:50,681 --> 00:08:54,161
It certainly will be by the time
I'm finished with you.
129
00:08:57,001 --> 00:08:58,961
This is my friend.
130
00:08:58,961 --> 00:09:00,721
He's been very keen to meet you.
131
00:09:02,801 --> 00:09:07,681
Hello. My name's Mustafa,
Mustafa Sex Change.
132
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:11,601
I've been looking forward to...
working with you. Um...
133
00:09:17,001 --> 00:09:21,641
Well, big chap.
I'd hate to be a strippergram, man.
134
00:09:21,641 --> 00:09:23,161
Aye, nightmare.
135
00:09:27,921 --> 00:09:31,561
How you doing, mate? How's it going?
Och, all right, you know how it is.
136
00:09:31,561 --> 00:09:33,121
What have you been up to?
137
00:09:33,121 --> 00:09:34,681
Same old, same old. Yourself?
138
00:09:34,681 --> 00:09:36,961
Just the usual, man. Same old story.
139
00:09:36,961 --> 00:09:39,121
Aye. I've been there myself, mate.
140
00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:41,681
Aye? Oh, aye. Many times. A veteran.
141
00:09:41,681 --> 00:09:44,481
A veteran. Got to be done though, eh?
142
00:09:44,481 --> 00:09:47,081
You can't turn round
and say no, can you?
143
00:09:47,081 --> 00:09:49,321
No danger, mate.
Not with people like them.
144
00:09:49,321 --> 00:09:50,801
No, they'll just mess you up.
145
00:09:50,801 --> 00:09:53,521
At the drop of a hat.
Nobody knows it better than us.
146
00:09:53,521 --> 00:09:56,761
That's what I've been saying.
For years I've been saying that.
147
00:09:56,761 --> 00:10:00,001
But who listens? Exactly, mate.
Exactly, mate. Exactly.
148
00:10:00,001 --> 00:10:04,481
Exactly. They are frightened
of the truth. You know too much truth, you get a knife in the back.
149
00:10:04,481 --> 00:10:09,801
Exactly, mate, and I don't want to
be sticking knives in people's backs. But... But... Exactly.
150
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:11,841
Exactly, mate, it's got to be done.
Got to be.
151
00:10:11,841 --> 00:10:15,241
Without that threat, it would be
chaos. They've got to all be feared.
152
00:10:15,241 --> 00:10:17,441
It's the only way we can
control the masses, mate.
153
00:10:17,441 --> 00:10:19,881
Too true, mate.
And they have got to be controlled.
154
00:10:19,881 --> 00:10:22,361
You cannae have mob rule, mate.
155
00:10:22,361 --> 00:10:25,241
It's for their own protection.
We are doing it for them.
156
00:10:25,241 --> 00:10:28,801
And what thanks do we get? None.
Exactly, mate. Exactly.
157
00:10:28,801 --> 00:10:31,241
They hate us
because we know how to love.
158
00:10:31,241 --> 00:10:32,761
And they never will.
159
00:10:32,761 --> 00:10:36,441
Exactly, mate. Exactly.
We give them what they want, mate,
160
00:10:36,441 --> 00:10:38,121
it would be the end for us all.
161
00:10:38,121 --> 00:10:40,761
It could be the end
of humanity itself, bud. Nae doubt.
162
00:10:40,761 --> 00:10:42,961
Nae doubt. Oblivion.
163
00:10:42,961 --> 00:10:47,241
Exactly, mate. Oblivion. Exactly, and
who wants that on their conscience?
164
00:10:47,241 --> 00:10:49,601
Exactly, mate. Not me.
165
00:10:56,481 --> 00:10:59,521
Anyway, see you down
the bookie for the National.
166
00:10:59,521 --> 00:11:01,161
Aye. See you there, mate.
167
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:11,281
My name is Carlos Zumba.
168
00:11:11,281 --> 00:11:12,801
Zumba!
169
00:11:12,801 --> 00:11:15,321
LIVELY LATIN MUSIC PLAYS
170
00:11:15,321 --> 00:11:18,081
Guys, I know what you wondering.
171
00:11:18,081 --> 00:11:21,001
Just what is my wife doing at Zumba?
172
00:11:21,961 --> 00:11:24,481
TEARING
173
00:11:24,481 --> 00:11:26,721
She is doing me. She is doing...
174
00:11:26,721 --> 00:11:28,281
Zumba.
175
00:11:28,281 --> 00:11:29,961
Zumba step ladder, ladder.
176
00:11:29,961 --> 00:11:31,801
Zumba step ladder.
177
00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:33,761
Zumba step ladder, ladder.
178
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:36,081
Zumba step ladder.
179
00:11:36,081 --> 00:11:40,081
Zumba, Zumba, Zumba,
Zumba, Zumba, Zumba, Zumba.
180
00:11:40,081 --> 00:11:43,041
Zumba,
Zumba, Zumba, Zumba, Zumba, Zumba...
181
00:11:52,361 --> 00:11:53,401
See, guys,
182
00:11:53,401 --> 00:11:56,641
that is why all your wives
want to come to Zumba,
183
00:11:56,641 --> 00:11:59,001
want to cum WITH Zumba.
184
00:11:59,001 --> 00:12:02,281
Cum in the sexual sense,
spelt C-U-M.
185
00:12:02,281 --> 00:12:04,281
Zumba!
186
00:12:09,561 --> 00:12:11,721
17-0.
KNOCK AT DOOR
187
00:12:11,721 --> 00:12:13,161
Hello?
188
00:12:15,561 --> 00:12:17,161
Come in.
189
00:12:19,241 --> 00:12:20,801
I phoned earlier.
190
00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:23,761
My...granny passed away.
191
00:12:23,761 --> 00:12:25,121
Of course.
192
00:12:25,121 --> 00:12:29,121
Creepsie, could you show this
gentleman to the chair of comfort?
193
00:12:43,761 --> 00:12:45,401
I'll pour you a wee cup of tea.
194
00:12:57,921 --> 00:12:59,441
There we are.
195
00:13:00,401 --> 00:13:03,281
My name is Falls, Archibald Falls.
196
00:13:03,281 --> 00:13:05,481
And this here is my son, Creepsie.
197
00:13:06,601 --> 00:13:09,001
Will you give me a hand
with this, son?
198
00:13:15,001 --> 00:13:19,081
There we go. That's it,
unhook yourself, that's it.
199
00:13:19,081 --> 00:13:20,921
There we go.
200
00:13:21,921 --> 00:13:23,561
Right.
201
00:13:23,561 --> 00:13:26,601
Creepsie, could you play
something appropriate on the fiddle?
202
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:33,201
Now, let me guess.
CREAKING
203
00:13:33,201 --> 00:13:35,881
Only the best for your wee granny.
204
00:13:35,881 --> 00:13:38,481
Am I right? Of course. Aye.
205
00:13:38,481 --> 00:13:41,081
How did she die,
if you don't mind me asking?
206
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:42,921
She passed away in her sleep.
207
00:13:44,841 --> 00:13:47,401
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
208
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:52,001
Isn't that just
the best way to go, son?
209
00:13:52,001 --> 00:13:55,881
Always laugh with joy when I hear
somebody passed away peacefully.
210
00:13:55,881 --> 00:13:58,801
Now, how can I help you
with your preparations?
211
00:14:00,121 --> 00:14:01,481
Well, I need a coffin.
212
00:14:02,481 --> 00:14:05,001
Let me just fly
this wee idea past you.
213
00:14:06,001 --> 00:14:09,401
How about we take your wee granny,
214
00:14:09,401 --> 00:14:13,641
we stick her in a bin bag and
we cowp her into the canal? What?!
215
00:14:13,641 --> 00:14:17,241
I'm not like all the other
undertakers fi' Burnistoun.
216
00:14:17,241 --> 00:14:18,961
They're all in it for the money.
217
00:14:18,961 --> 00:14:22,481
They'll try to sell you the
most expensive coffin they've got.
218
00:14:22,481 --> 00:14:25,641
Me and my boy here will stick
your granny in a bin bag,
219
00:14:25,641 --> 00:14:27,401
dump her in the canal
220
00:14:27,401 --> 00:14:30,561
and we'll dae it for 20 quid
and some rolls and ham at the wake.
221
00:14:30,561 --> 00:14:33,601
I don't want my granny
in a black bag! HE SIGHS
222
00:14:33,601 --> 00:14:35,441
Look...
223
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:39,281
I bet you that at some point
in your wee granny's old age,
224
00:14:39,281 --> 00:14:42,281
she said to somebody something like,
225
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:48,001
"Och, don't bother about me. Just
stick me in a black bag and put me oot the back for the clemmy."
226
00:14:48,001 --> 00:14:50,681
She did. She said it to me once.
227
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:56,121
And I bet you she told you not
to bother wi' a big expensive casket when she was gone, eh? Aye! She did!
228
00:14:57,081 --> 00:14:58,561
See? See?
229
00:14:58,561 --> 00:15:03,041
Your wee granny's wishes.
That's what we're all aboot here.
230
00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:05,521
But does that mean
there'll be nae funeral?
231
00:15:05,521 --> 00:15:07,241
Son...
232
00:15:07,241 --> 00:15:08,681
who likes a funeral?
233
00:15:10,841 --> 00:15:13,641
We'll pop your granny
on some bricks in a black bag,
234
00:15:13,641 --> 00:15:16,561
pap the whole lot in the canal,
then we'll go and get leathered,
235
00:15:16,561 --> 00:15:22,481
fill our faces, have a wee jig and
remember what a great wee woman your granny was. Noo, what d'you say?
236
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:27,201
I cannae believe I'm saying this,
but...you're on.
237
00:15:27,201 --> 00:15:28,841
Excellent.
238
00:15:28,841 --> 00:15:31,081
How's Friday for you?
239
00:15:31,081 --> 00:15:34,561
Just leave her body out by the bins
and we'll pick her up. Aye.
240
00:15:34,561 --> 00:15:35,921
Cheers. See you then.
241
00:15:36,681 --> 00:15:38,801
SQUAWKING
242
00:15:47,921 --> 00:15:49,681
Seagulls!
243
00:15:49,681 --> 00:15:54,321
Every morning,
woken up by bastard seagulls!
244
00:16:01,881 --> 00:16:03,121
Shoo!
245
00:16:03,121 --> 00:16:04,281
Shoo!
246
00:16:20,121 --> 00:16:24,761
'A poor tackle there
from Burnistoun United's hometown hero Craigie Winters.
247
00:16:24,761 --> 00:16:28,001
'And it's going to be up
a penalty kick to Burnistoun City!'
248
00:16:28,001 --> 00:16:30,881
Right. Get that remote control
in your hand.
249
00:16:30,881 --> 00:16:34,121
See the second that ball
crosses the line, switch it off.
250
00:16:34,121 --> 00:16:39,081
I don't want to hear them cheering.
I don't want to look at their faces celebrating. Defo, mate.
251
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:42,641
Don't want they faces smiling at me
in my own living room, Peter.
252
00:16:42,641 --> 00:16:47,321
If I need to look at
they ugly bastards celebrating, I'll end up punching a wall.
253
00:16:47,321 --> 00:16:50,441
It's no' them scoring, mate,
it's them being happy.
254
00:16:50,441 --> 00:16:53,001
They don't deserve happiness,
their lot. Exactly.
255
00:16:53,001 --> 00:16:57,601
If it crosses the line,
we switch it off till all the celebrating's done with.
256
00:16:57,601 --> 00:16:59,561
Then we'll put it back on again.
257
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:01,641
Right. Here he goes.
258
00:17:01,641 --> 00:17:05,401
'And Wilson steps up
to hit this one...' HE SWITCHES TV OFF
259
00:17:05,401 --> 00:17:07,641
We didn't see
if it went in, you dick!
260
00:17:07,641 --> 00:17:09,641
It's hard to time it right,
isn't it?
261
00:17:09,641 --> 00:17:12,681
I didn't want to risk
seeing even one smile.
262
00:17:12,681 --> 00:17:14,601
I'll turn it back on.
263
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,841
No, no! If it went in, they're
going to be celebrating it noo.
264
00:17:17,841 --> 00:17:22,041
I don't want to look at
their rotten faces celebrating. Cannae stand to see that, man.
265
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,561
Well, we'll time it then, right?
266
00:17:24,561 --> 00:17:29,321
They're celebrating, right?
The players celebrating.
267
00:17:29,321 --> 00:17:32,641
The dirty animal fans celebrating.
268
00:17:32,641 --> 00:17:35,601
The big fat arsehole manager
celebrating.
269
00:17:37,121 --> 00:17:38,881
Noo. No, no. A wee bit yet.
270
00:17:40,121 --> 00:17:42,961
See, to be honest with you,
Peter, see if we turn his back on
271
00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:48,041
and I see that it's 1-0 to them,
I'll be pissed off just knowing that they HAVE been celebrating.
272
00:17:48,041 --> 00:17:50,001
I'll be able to imagine it.
273
00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:53,241
Aye. Sickens me to my stomach
just thinking about it, man.
274
00:17:53,241 --> 00:17:54,881
Their faces, man.
275
00:17:54,881 --> 00:17:58,201
What we'll do is cover
up the top of the telly so we cannae see the score.
276
00:18:00,881 --> 00:18:01,921
This side?
277
00:18:03,881 --> 00:18:05,441
Aye.
278
00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:17,761
Hold on.
279
00:18:17,761 --> 00:18:22,121
The commentator. He's going to say
the score at some point, isn't he?
280
00:18:22,121 --> 00:18:25,201
Then I'll be able
to imagine them, man, smiling at me.
281
00:18:25,201 --> 00:18:27,761
Just mute him, then.
He's one of them anyway.
282
00:18:34,641 --> 00:18:37,321
That lassie didn't look
too happy, did she?
283
00:18:37,321 --> 00:18:39,801
She wasn't
wearing any colours, but...
284
00:18:39,801 --> 00:18:42,481
She was a stank monster, Scott.
285
00:18:42,481 --> 00:18:46,481
A total stanko.
She was definitely one of them.
286
00:18:46,481 --> 00:18:49,481
I thought she was all right looking.
She may be one of us.
287
00:18:49,481 --> 00:18:52,561
They're going to catch us
on the break here.
288
00:18:52,561 --> 00:18:55,841
Oh, Winters, come on.
You're a total care-horse.
289
00:18:55,841 --> 00:18:57,841
He's threw on goal.
Switch it off. Off, off!
290
00:19:02,441 --> 00:19:05,361
No, Peter, that big diddy
would have missed that.
291
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,001
Maybe.
292
00:19:07,001 --> 00:19:09,001
Let's just assume that it went in,
293
00:19:09,001 --> 00:19:12,081
so we don't need to look
at their faces celebrating.
294
00:19:12,081 --> 00:19:15,441
Man, I hate to see them celebrating.
295
00:19:15,441 --> 00:19:17,161
See their faces.
296
00:19:17,161 --> 00:19:21,081
I can just picture
their mutant inbred faces, man.
297
00:19:29,921 --> 00:19:32,201
That'll be long enough, won't it?
298
00:19:32,201 --> 00:19:33,721
Aye.
299
00:19:35,401 --> 00:19:37,481
Corner to them.
Put it off, off, off!
300
00:19:41,321 --> 00:19:42,841
No, man, Peter.
301
00:19:42,841 --> 00:19:45,161
We never concede from a corner.
Never.
302
00:19:45,161 --> 00:19:46,921
I'm confident of that.
303
00:19:46,921 --> 00:19:48,801
Aye. Right enough.
304
00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:50,561
Go for it.
305
00:19:51,561 --> 00:19:53,361
He's going to shoot. Off, off!
306
00:19:58,041 --> 00:20:03,801
Know what? Why don't we just say
that every time they come in our half, we're turning the telly off?
307
00:20:03,801 --> 00:20:08,161
Then we never see them scoring,
we never see them celebrating, their big faces...
308
00:20:08,161 --> 00:20:14,681
Oh, see, the thought of their
dirty ape faces celebrating, man. HE GRUNTS
309
00:20:18,961 --> 00:20:20,921
Right, that's it really done, right?
310
00:20:20,921 --> 00:20:23,921
But if we wait
till the final whistle, we might see them put their arms up,
311
00:20:23,921 --> 00:20:28,881
then we'd know they'd won,
we'd need to think about their faces celebrating about it.
312
00:20:28,881 --> 00:20:32,441
Man, see, even just the thought of
that, mate... Just put it off now.
313
00:20:33,481 --> 00:20:35,441
We've nae choice.
314
00:20:43,241 --> 00:20:45,201
Great game, but, eh?
315
00:20:45,201 --> 00:20:47,241
Aye. Cracking game of football, man.
316
00:21:06,921 --> 00:21:08,921
MOBILE RINGS
317
00:21:11,041 --> 00:21:15,441
Hello? Why will this thing
not let me put in any letters?
318
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:16,681
Gran, is that you?!
319
00:21:16,681 --> 00:21:20,801
I'm trying to message Theresa
to see if she's landed in Spain yet.
320
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:23,561
But the letters aren't coming up.
321
00:21:23,561 --> 00:21:27,161
Well, what do I know about it,
missus? Gran, Gran!
322
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:29,961
This thing's bloody hopeless.
323
00:21:29,961 --> 00:21:31,561
Gran.
324
00:21:31,561 --> 00:21:33,201
Hello? Hello!
325
00:21:33,201 --> 00:21:34,721
You've phoned somebody.
326
00:21:34,721 --> 00:21:39,241
Gran, it's about 25 times a day you
phone me leaving messages like this!
327
00:21:39,241 --> 00:21:40,761
Gran!
328
00:22:17,521 --> 00:22:20,401
Are yous coming up again?
Let us catch our breath!
329
00:22:20,401 --> 00:22:23,441
Yous two would dance all night.
Rita, oh, my God!
330
00:22:23,441 --> 00:22:25,641
Oh, my God! Look.
331
00:22:25,641 --> 00:22:28,921
Oh, my God! It's the Yanks.
332
00:22:28,921 --> 00:22:30,881
Hey, baby.
333
00:22:31,881 --> 00:22:35,561
Now, ain't you two
a couple of hotsy-totsies?
334
00:22:35,561 --> 00:22:40,641
My name's Bruck Abronk.
I'm from Bronkhario, Bronkonhonkas.
335
00:22:40,641 --> 00:22:46,201
And my name's Honk Hucklehanka,
from Ohonko, Hoklahonka.
336
00:22:48,361 --> 00:22:49,441
Hiya.
337
00:22:49,441 --> 00:22:53,761
Now, I don't want you two Scotch
lovelies fainting or nothing,
338
00:22:53,761 --> 00:22:56,841
but me and Honk here,
we want to want to dance with you.
339
00:22:56,841 --> 00:22:58,841
That's right.
340
00:22:58,841 --> 00:23:01,841
And then we want to have
unromantic sex with yous.
341
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:06,521
Up what you bonny lasses
would call a close.
342
00:23:06,521 --> 00:23:09,641
Oh, that sounds great.
343
00:23:09,641 --> 00:23:12,881
Yes please. Now, wait a minute, pal.
344
00:23:12,881 --> 00:23:15,441
These are OUR girlfriends.
345
00:23:25,321 --> 00:23:28,041
Oh, wow. Is that a real gun?
346
00:23:28,041 --> 00:23:31,841
Like, from America?
It sure is, honey.
347
00:23:31,841 --> 00:23:36,881
Honk, show them some more crap that
their tiny little brains will enjoy.
348
00:23:37,961 --> 00:23:42,161
Here's something else
from the United States of America.
349
00:23:42,161 --> 00:23:44,521
It's a kids' toy.
350
00:23:44,521 --> 00:23:46,841
It's called a cracking glass.
351
00:23:46,841 --> 00:23:48,601
That's a mirror.
352
00:23:48,601 --> 00:23:50,481
Is that what you call it here?
353
00:23:53,121 --> 00:23:54,641
Weird.
354
00:23:56,561 --> 00:23:59,201
Do yous have
any nylons for us, then?
355
00:23:59,201 --> 00:24:01,761
I'm sorry, sugarlips.
356
00:24:01,761 --> 00:24:03,441
I don't speak sheep.
357
00:24:04,681 --> 00:24:06,641
I think they asked for nylons.
358
00:24:06,641 --> 00:24:10,521
It's like talking
to a grunting perfumed ape.
359
00:24:10,521 --> 00:24:12,161
Nylons?
360
00:24:12,161 --> 00:24:14,001
Sure.
361
00:24:14,001 --> 00:24:16,481
Honk, double team.
362
00:24:21,601 --> 00:24:24,121
Sorry, baby.
We're needing these back.
363
00:24:28,361 --> 00:24:32,041
You know, I can't wait
to see your fanny in those nylons.
364
00:24:33,321 --> 00:24:37,481
That's so funny how you say
fanny instead of bum in America!
365
00:24:39,081 --> 00:24:41,041
Not in Hoklahonka we don't.
366
00:24:42,241 --> 00:24:43,841
God bless America!
367
00:25:01,441 --> 00:25:04,361
The graffiti is still all over
the wall in the Burnistoun Botanics.
368
00:25:04,361 --> 00:25:07,841
Children are walking past
it every day and getting exposed to this filth.
369
00:25:07,841 --> 00:25:10,481
As your MP, Mrs Clark,
I'm going to look into this.
370
00:25:10,481 --> 00:25:12,761
No, you've fobbed me off
about this before.
371
00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:16,241
I don't think you give a damn
about it. Well, that's not true.
372
00:25:16,241 --> 00:25:20,561
Darcy, could you post a denial of
that acquisition on Twitter, please? Of course.
373
00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:24,681
Type "I deny any accusation that
I do not care about the graffiti on the wall of..." Where was it?
374
00:25:24,681 --> 00:25:27,521
Haven't a clue.
The Burnistoun Botanics!
375
00:25:29,041 --> 00:25:33,241
There we are, Mrs Clark.
I've now publicly aired my concerns on the internet.
376
00:25:33,241 --> 00:25:35,561
We should go Facebook on this.
Same message?
377
00:25:35,561 --> 00:25:37,961
Yes. No.
We're more passionate on Facebook.
378
00:25:37,961 --> 00:25:42,041
When you think of those
children reading that filth, you literally weep with anger.
379
00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:47,761
We can't just post updates
to Facebook and Twitter about the issues, we need personal stuff, too.
380
00:25:47,761 --> 00:25:52,401
So write something about some band
a young man might be into. What if I Tweet "the Saturdays are sexy."
381
00:25:52,401 --> 00:25:54,241
Oh, that's good.
382
00:25:56,001 --> 00:25:57,481
Done.
PHONE RINGS
383
00:25:57,481 --> 00:25:59,961
Hello. Joan Smyth.
384
00:25:59,961 --> 00:26:01,201
OK.
385
00:26:01,201 --> 00:26:03,841
That was BBC Burnistoun News.
There's been a backlash
386
00:26:03,841 --> 00:26:07,401
against your sexy Saturday Tweet.
It's officially a scandal.
387
00:26:07,401 --> 00:26:12,561
Bloody hell. Deny that. Get on
Facebook and it make me deny that I see any sex appeal in the Saturdays.
388
00:26:12,561 --> 00:26:15,001
Excuse me.
Never mind the public statements.
389
00:26:15,001 --> 00:26:17,281
What are you actually doing
about this graffiti?
390
00:26:17,281 --> 00:26:18,921
I'll phone and find out.
391
00:26:20,481 --> 00:26:23,601
Hello. Hello, Darcy, it's Joan.
392
00:26:23,601 --> 00:26:27,281
What are we actually doing about
graffiti in the park? Bugger all.
393
00:26:27,281 --> 00:26:30,001
It isn't a priority right now.
It's my number one priority.
394
00:26:30,001 --> 00:26:34,441
We should, however, get
on the internet and post about how much of a top priority it is.
395
00:26:34,441 --> 00:26:38,921
Darcy says we should put
on the internet how much of a top priority it is. Darcy.
396
00:26:38,921 --> 00:26:40,961
Just a second, Joan. ..Yes, William?
397
00:26:40,961 --> 00:26:44,961
I think we should post on the
internet about how much of a priority this graffiti thing is.
398
00:26:44,961 --> 00:26:48,921
Twitter, Facebook or blog?
Twitter, Facebook or blog? Twitter, Facebook or blog?
399
00:26:48,921 --> 00:26:50,881
Darcy? Darcy, are you there? Hello.
400
00:26:50,881 --> 00:26:53,001
Twitter, Facebook or blog. Blog.
401
00:26:53,001 --> 00:26:55,201
Blog. Blog, Darcy.
Just a second, Joan.
402
00:26:55,201 --> 00:26:57,321
Blog, Darcy. Blog?
403
00:26:57,321 --> 00:27:01,081
Has this been approved?
Has this been approved, Joan? Has this been approved, Darcy?
404
00:27:01,081 --> 00:27:03,601
Darcy, are you there?
Joan, are you still there? Yes.
405
00:27:03,601 --> 00:27:06,721
Has this been approved? 100%. 100%.
406
00:27:06,721 --> 00:27:10,921
100%. Why are you saying 100% to me?
That figure was off the record.
407
00:27:10,921 --> 00:27:13,921
If you repeat it to the press,
I'll deny it and I'll sue!
408
00:27:13,921 --> 00:27:15,121
PHONE RINGS
409
00:27:16,081 --> 00:27:21,481
Hello? Hello, Joan. I've just
accidentally divulged a figure to that graffiti woman. Shit!
410
00:27:21,481 --> 00:27:23,801
Excuse my language. Bollocks!
411
00:27:26,361 --> 00:27:28,001
Should I answer that?
412
00:27:28,001 --> 00:27:33,001
No. I'll answer it. Then we can
Tweet about how I always answer my own phone in my own office. Hello.
413
00:27:33,001 --> 00:27:36,641
I just wanted to let you know that I
won't be voting for you ever again.
414
00:27:41,681 --> 00:27:43,201
Hiya.
415
00:27:43,201 --> 00:27:45,281
All right?
416
00:27:45,281 --> 00:27:46,801
Come here.
417
00:27:54,001 --> 00:27:56,241
I'm going to miss him so much,
you know?
418
00:27:57,441 --> 00:27:59,801
It just seems so final.
419
00:27:59,801 --> 00:28:05,361
I keep thinking that I'm going
to turn around and he's going to be standing there. I know.
420
00:28:11,561 --> 00:28:14,001
So, why are we down by the sea?
421
00:28:14,001 --> 00:28:16,001
Were we not going to the chapel?
422
00:28:30,521 --> 00:28:33,161
Right. Come on,
we'll go and get leathered.
423
00:28:56,801 --> 00:28:59,841
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
424
00:28:59,841 --> 00:29:02,881
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425
00:29:02,931 --> 00:29:07,481
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