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This programme contains adult humour.
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Hello! My name's Alex Ciderson, and I'm pleased to announce
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our new product,
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the Scarepie. Hee-hee-hee!
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You've all heard of a scarecrow.
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A scarecrow was designed for scaring away birds.
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Such as, as the name scarecrow suggests, kestrels.
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But Alex Ciderson's Scarepie is designed for something else -
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scaring away wee pies.
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Wee pies like me. Hiya!
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HE SIGHS
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We have a solution to the problem of wee pies
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climbing into your garden during the night to piss in your pot plants.
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Nae wee pie is going to want to mess with this fella.
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The Scarepie is in the classic Alex Ciderson Alex Ciderson style,
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and comes with three motion- sensitive threatening phrases.
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Watch what happens when I approach the Scarepie.
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'Come ahead, you total pie.'
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'Oh, ya bun. Halt.'
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'I'll stiffen you, you rascal, you.'
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BREATHLESS
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Unt...until now...
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- <
- Give me a sec.
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Also available now, Alex Ciderson's Alex Ciderson sex doll for women.
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Oh, talk to me, Alex.
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'Oh, ya bun. Halt. Come ahead, you total pie.'
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Oh, I love it when you talk dirty!
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'I'll stiffen you, you rascal, you.'
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HUSKY-VOICED: I think your unique energy could combine with my unique energy
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to create a new Big Bang.
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A new sexual universe.
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Eugh! There's a moth in my mouth!
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Agh! Nuh...nuh...eugh!
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Pth...gah!
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Eugh! Mnuh...pth!
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Mnuh...mnuh!
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Eugh! Pth...pth...
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HUSKY-VOICED: So how about we go back to my place
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and start thinking about that...Big Bang?
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I don't think so.
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APPLAUSE
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TENTATIVE GUITAR CHORDS
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You broke my heart My lover, my best friend
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Tore me apart There's no way to pretend
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You broke my heart in pieces Darling, do you comprehend?
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That is why I killed you in the end
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That drop of cyanide I slipped into your tea
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I laughed like fuck As you died in front of me
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And I pissed in your best slippers
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In your wig and in your bra
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Now your corpse is stinking out my car
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And now the polis are staunin' in the pub
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Should I run or just give myself up?
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I won't go down alone Oh, I'll take out half the bar
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- With this bomb that's strapped to my guitar.
- BOMB BEEPS
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Is Susan in?
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No. She's away to the pictures wi' a pal.
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Um...She said her printer was broke. I had a spare one, so I said I'd drop it in.
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Better bring it in, then.
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Nae bother.
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Where do you want me to put it?
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Don't care, mate.
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Will I just...
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Just put it on the carpet, mate.
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Carpet's good for it.
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I'm Ollie Green. I work with Susan.
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Aye, I know. I've looked at pictures of you.
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I mean, Susan's showed me them.
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I'd better be off, then, eh?
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She doesnae love me any more.
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She says she doesnae love me.
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I'm sorry to hear that, man.
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Did she tell you about it?
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N...No, it's not the kind of thing she'd talk to me about.
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Listen, do you want a beer?
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- Nah, I can't. I really need to go.
- Come on, have a beer.
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I'm watching Bloodsport, it's just started.
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- Do you like Bloodsport?
- Um...it's been years since I last saw it.
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- I liked it when I was a boy, aye.
- Aye, I bet you'd be well into it, eh?
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Come on, have a beer. Bit of Bloodsport.
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Wee bit of Van Dammage.
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And we'll set that printer up
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and start printing all sorts of shit off, man. For a laugh.
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Nah, mate, I cannae.
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You can. My name's Tam. You can.
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I cannae, Tam. It's ma maw's birthday.
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I was just dropping that in on the way up to see her.
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Aye, a man's got to prioritise.
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I can respect that.
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Uh...
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..ink cartridges. For the printer.
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Oh, good man. Good man.
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It's a nightmare when you run out of the old ink, isn't it? No' think so yoursel'?
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- No' think it's a nightmare?
- Aye. Aye, it's-it's a nightmare.
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Listen, man, there really is a lot of beer in there for just one guy.
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I need to go and see my maw.
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I-I need to go and see my maw.
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Mate...
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..can you tell your maw I said happy birthday?
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All right, aye.
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I'll say it happened anyway!
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What?
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I'll tell people we did it with one another anyway.
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So you might as well get some pleasure out of it.
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I'll say it happened anyway.
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TV PLAYS
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Just take a seat, Uncle George.
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My dad's not in the noo. My ma'll be out of the bath in a minute.
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Aye, nae bother.
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Is it true then?
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Shush, Rosso.
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My ma says we've not to talk about it.
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- Is it, Uncle George? Is it true?
- What's that?
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That you're going to be our new da?
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- You what?
- My ma says you're going to be our new da.
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Aye, that's why she's in the bath. She's leaning her boobs for you.
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She's cleaning all the mud off them.
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No, you got the wrong end of the stick.
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Naw. She says she wants a hunk to be her live-in lover.
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A baldy hunk.
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She says she wants to do sex with you.
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She says she wants to have a threesome with you, just the two of youse.
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You shouldnae be talking like that at your ages, youse are 12!
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Youse don't know anything about this stuff.
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Aye, we know, we know what infertile means.
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It means I cannae get any eggs to come out of my stauner when I rub it on the couch.
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I'm not kidding you about my ma.
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- She loves you.
- She tells us about it every night before bed. And then she shoots us with a crossbow.
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Are you here to roast our mammy, Uncle George?
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No, I'm just here to get a loan of something off your da.
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Aye, get a loan of our ma so you can have a sex-fuelled coke orgy with her.
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Will you get us a gun when you're our da, Uncle George?
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Oh, if you get us a gun, we promise we'll no burst into the room when my mammy's pulling your G-spot.
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She wants to bone you right up your orgasm, Uncle George.
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Can we call you Uncle Da?
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Can we call you Uncle Georgie G-Spot?
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- Can we call you Uncle Orgasm, Da?
- Listen boys, I'm going to head.
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So just tell your mum I'll be round later.
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Will you give us a tenner each so we don't tell my da
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- about all these things you've been saying to us?
- What things?
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All the things we just said.
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We couldn't have come up with all that stuff by ourselves. You must have said them.
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You must have put all that filth into our wee minds.
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HE SIGHS
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Eh...what's the money for?
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- Uncle George asked us to go out and score 10 wraps of Jamaican ecky jellies for him.
- George!
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I thought you were clean now?!
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SHE GIGGLES
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- HUSKY-VOICED:
- I bet if you mix together
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your shade of hot loving with my shade of hot loving,
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we'd create a new colour...
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sin-digo.
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FLY BUZZES
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Nyah! Oh there's a fly went up my nose!
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Eugh!
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Nmph! Nmph! Nmph! Nmph!
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Oh, I've swallowed it!
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HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
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Pth! Oh, there it is.
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- STAMPING
- Oh...that's the fourth fly this week.
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- HUSKY-VOICED:
- So how about we go back to my place and start mixing some colours?
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Nah. Some other time, maybe.
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Anyway, Barry will be down in a minute.
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Do you want a cup of tea? I'm about to put his dinner on.
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- Aye, thanks, Mary, I just want to ask him something about the fives.
- All right, cool.
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CRACKLING
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You're...
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Aye, I'm you. I'm you from the future. And I'm here to tell you something.
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Get her pumped.
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What?
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Please, don't blow this opportunity.
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In this timeline, if you grab Mary and winch her,
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kiss her like you've never kissed a woman before,
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she'll leave Barry and run away with you.
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- Now hurry up! You don't have much time!
- But I...
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Please. You've got to do this for both our sakes. Now I need to go.
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The time stream's closing.
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- MARY:
- Milk, aye?
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- <
- Here we go.
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There's your tea.
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What...!
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HE GROANS
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Get your hands off me!
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Oh! Oh!
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- What's going on here?!
- John's just winched me!
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You dirty bastard!
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THEY CHEER
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- HE LAUGHS
- I got me a belter!
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I remember it now!
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Look at my nose! Do you remember?
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You winched me! I stuck the head on you! I remember now.
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I leathered you for it!
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Yas, mate. Yaas.
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Here, let me go back in time and bam myself up.
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Right. Wait 'til youse remember this one!
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RADIO PLAYS
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'Mon! Bit of Billy Idol!
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I was just thinking, Toshan.
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We're quality polis, aren't we?
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Quality polis, McGregor!
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MUSIC: "Hot In The City" by Billy Idol
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You're steamin'!
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GLASS SMASHES, THEY CHEER
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Listen, we better go, that woman said she was going to phone the polis!
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And what? What's the polis going to do?
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POLICE SIREN APPROACHES
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MUSIC PLAYS, POLICE SING
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Nothin's gonna stop us now
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And this world runs out of lovers
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We'll still have each other Nothin's going to stop us...
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- You should go on that X-Factor.
- Och, away.
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You should - you've got a beautiful singing voice.
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- Let them hear you do your Uptown Girl.
- Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
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Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...
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Aargh! Oh, you peppered me!
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That's for all your stupid singing!
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We're meant to be quality polis here!
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- Youse saw that! That was assault! Sure it was?
- Get in the boot!
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Oh, he's mental, hen. Listen, see if he arrests you, you'll never see your mammy again.
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You'll never see her again!
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- In the boot, you, come on!
- Oh...
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- I'm taking your gun off you, you're off the case!
- He's flipped it.
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We've not even got guns! We're Scottish! Youse better run!
224
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Save yourselves, you wee angels!
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- Get in the boot, Toshan!
- You'll never get away with this, McGregor, there's all these witnesses!
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There'll no be any witnesses.
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NAE WITNESSES!
228
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How good was that?
229
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Old fake pepper-spray routine, never fails. Quality, wasn't it?
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Fist bump!
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Let's go.
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- Quality polis.
- Quality polis, McGregor. No' that way!
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MUSIC: "Wipeout"
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- What you eating?
- An Epiphany Continuum.
235
00:16:42,344 --> 00:16:43,944
A what?
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00:16:43,944 --> 00:16:45,704
An Epiphany Continuum.
237
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- From the supermarket.
- What's that?
238
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:53,104
I don't know...like pasta or something.
239
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No, it's no' pasta.
240
00:16:54,584 --> 00:16:59,384
- I don't know what it is.
- An Epiphany Continuum? - Aye.
241
00:16:59,384 --> 00:17:01,704
What kind of name is that for a ready meal?
242
00:17:02,784 --> 00:17:05,544
- Is the box still in the kitchen?
- Aye.
243
00:17:11,944 --> 00:17:13,544
Don't eat that!
244
00:17:16,424 --> 00:17:19,024
- It's out of date.
- It'll be fine.
245
00:17:19,024 --> 00:17:24,344
Mate, "Best Before: The Year Of Our Lord 1655".
246
00:17:26,384 --> 00:17:27,824
It smells all right.
247
00:17:27,824 --> 00:17:31,864
I don't know, man. I don't like the look of this packaging either.
248
00:17:35,104 --> 00:17:37,984
Calum, I'm no' binning it. It was two quid!
249
00:17:40,384 --> 00:17:43,304
Right. Look at the ingredients here, right?
250
00:17:43,304 --> 00:17:47,624
"Primal matter, asp tongue mould,
251
00:17:47,624 --> 00:17:52,504
"mandrake, the breath of God."
252
00:17:53,544 --> 00:17:58,744
- That's all additives, mate.
- Calum, I'm eating my Epiphany Continuum, all right?
253
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,264
You're not my ma!
254
00:18:08,944 --> 00:18:10,344
Mate...
255
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:12,824
Mate...
256
00:18:12,824 --> 00:18:15,184
HE GASPS
257
00:18:16,664 --> 00:18:18,264
You fainted, man.
258
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:22,344
Right after you ate that. You all right?
259
00:18:22,344 --> 00:18:24,344
We're doomed.
260
00:18:24,344 --> 00:18:26,264
It's over.
261
00:18:26,264 --> 00:18:27,984
I saw things.
262
00:18:27,984 --> 00:18:29,984
Terrible things.
263
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:33,264
I saw civilisations collapse.
264
00:18:33,264 --> 00:18:36,944
Every living soul driven insane.
265
00:18:36,944 --> 00:18:39,464
The world on fire.
266
00:18:39,464 --> 00:18:41,504
Cities devastated.
267
00:18:41,504 --> 00:18:43,784
Piles of bodies everywhere.
268
00:18:43,784 --> 00:18:46,864
Flesh pits, burning in the moonlight.
269
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:49,904
I saw the sun...die.
270
00:18:49,904 --> 00:18:51,784
Stars turning in on themselves.
271
00:18:51,784 --> 00:18:57,064
The universe fracture into a nothingness.
272
00:18:57,064 --> 00:19:02,104
And a malignant sentience behind it all,
273
00:19:02,104 --> 00:19:07,864
watching, waiting...
274
00:19:07,864 --> 00:19:09,984
What?
275
00:19:09,984 --> 00:19:13,184
- You know what the worst of it is?
- What?
276
00:19:15,304 --> 00:19:17,824
I'm still fucking starving.
277
00:19:30,984 --> 00:19:32,544
ICE-CREAM VAN CHIMES PLAY
278
00:19:32,544 --> 00:19:34,584
Bye, then, you silly wee man.
279
00:19:35,944 --> 00:19:39,224
Right, let's get the candles on Mammy's birthday cake lit.
280
00:19:44,864 --> 00:19:48,664
Where's the rest of the word letters, Walter?
281
00:19:48,664 --> 00:19:51,264
Where is the "and Walter", Walter?
282
00:19:52,424 --> 00:19:55,304
- Where's the "and Walter?!"
- It's in my "and belly!"
283
00:19:55,304 --> 00:19:58,104
You've spoilt Mammy's cake!
284
00:19:58,104 --> 00:20:02,824
It's my name and I can eat my name if I want to eat my own name anyway.
285
00:20:02,824 --> 00:20:06,304
Fine. "To Mammy from Paul." She'll think it's just from me.
286
00:20:06,304 --> 00:20:09,104
It was me that done everything as usual anyway.
287
00:20:09,104 --> 00:20:12,224
Cos you don't care about your own mammy's ghost.
288
00:20:12,224 --> 00:20:16,704
I do care. I made my mammy a birthday card all by my own
289
00:20:16,704 --> 00:20:21,264
which is even more specialer than buying one from a rubbish shop man anyway!
290
00:20:21,264 --> 00:20:24,144
- You made a birthday card?
- Mmm-hmm!
291
00:20:29,624 --> 00:20:32,584
That's just a few slices of corned beef, Walter!
292
00:20:32,584 --> 00:20:35,024
Read it anyway!
293
00:20:38,264 --> 00:20:45,264
It says, "Once upon a time, to Mammy from Walter, your best son,
294
00:20:45,264 --> 00:20:49,944
"your best wee baby boy, Paul is a big, stupid, smelly idiot
295
00:20:49,944 --> 00:20:52,984
"and I hate him. The End."
296
00:20:52,984 --> 00:20:54,584
And where does it say that?
297
00:20:54,584 --> 00:20:59,664
I wrote it with my tongue and it just made a hole in the beef and you cannae read it properly,
298
00:20:59,664 --> 00:21:02,944
because my tongue IS NOT A PEN, PAUL!
299
00:21:02,944 --> 00:21:06,384
MY TONGUE IS NOT A PEN!
300
00:21:07,904 --> 00:21:10,184
Our mammy was a queen.
301
00:21:10,184 --> 00:21:14,984
Do you think Prince Charles turns round to the Queen on her birthday and says, "There you go, Mammy,
302
00:21:14,984 --> 00:21:20,304
"there's a few slices of meat I Sellotaped together and made a hole in with my tongue?!"
303
00:21:20,304 --> 00:21:25,064
I want the word letters of my name on that cake.
304
00:21:25,064 --> 00:21:26,544
Tough!
305
00:21:26,544 --> 00:21:28,344
You ate all the word letters.
306
00:21:28,344 --> 00:21:34,504
- And don't forget what Mammy used to say to you when you used to steal all her pills.
- What?
307
00:21:34,504 --> 00:21:37,544
Greedy people go to the bad fire.
308
00:21:37,544 --> 00:21:41,424
Well, I'll just tell Jesus I'm sorry anyway.
309
00:21:41,424 --> 00:21:44,704
Sorry's no' enough. You'll have to make a sacrifice.
310
00:21:45,744 --> 00:21:53,024
For one whole week you have to give up eating Aeros.
311
00:21:53,024 --> 00:21:56,584
NO! I'm never giving up eating Aeros!
312
00:21:56,584 --> 00:21:59,864
It's the only way. Heaven or Aeros?
313
00:21:59,864 --> 00:22:01,264
Jesus wants to know.
314
00:22:02,824 --> 00:22:06,664
Jesus, you're a bad man ANYWAY!
315
00:22:06,664 --> 00:22:08,944
Oh, don't you dare say that!
316
00:22:08,944 --> 00:22:11,664
Heaven or Aeros?
317
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:16,984
Oh, Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros?
318
00:22:16,984 --> 00:22:21,864
Oh! Aeros! I just want to eat Aeros all the time anyway.
319
00:22:22,904 --> 00:22:26,744
Right, Mammy, time to light your cake.
320
00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:32,704
Aargh!
321
00:22:33,864 --> 00:22:35,384
Walter!
322
00:22:39,144 --> 00:22:41,544
Right, I'll sit on your face.
323
00:22:44,824 --> 00:22:48,544
I'm going to use this candle as a pen and I'm going to write my name on this cake.
324
00:22:48,544 --> 00:22:53,824
And I'm going to take all the word letters of your name off so Mammy thinks it's just from me.
325
00:22:54,784 --> 00:22:58,464
Get off my face, Walter, I can smell your yesterdays.
326
00:22:58,464 --> 00:23:00,824
Just write my name!
327
00:23:00,824 --> 00:23:07,184
There, there! There we go! A beautiful cake.
328
00:23:10,504 --> 00:23:15,944
I spent money I haven't got getting that cake made!
329
00:23:15,944 --> 00:23:17,824
All right? Going to give me an Aero?
330
00:23:17,824 --> 00:23:21,824
No! You can go and tell your Jesus that nobody's getting an Aero
331
00:23:21,824 --> 00:23:24,264
because it's all my chocolate anyway!
332
00:23:29,904 --> 00:23:31,304
HE SOBS
333
00:23:34,624 --> 00:23:37,984
There you go, Mammy, there's some of that cake I got for you.
334
00:23:37,984 --> 00:23:42,424
Happy birthday to you
335
00:23:42,424 --> 00:23:46,984
Happy birthday to you...
336
00:23:46,984 --> 00:23:49,824
You're a bad man, Jesus!
337
00:23:49,824 --> 00:23:53,504
Happy birthday to you.
338
00:24:00,144 --> 00:24:01,664
There he is.
339
00:24:08,104 --> 00:24:09,904
Mr Cocklefroth.
340
00:24:12,264 --> 00:24:15,384
Do you not remember me, Mr Cocklefroth?
341
00:24:15,384 --> 00:24:17,744
William Dunn?
342
00:24:17,744 --> 00:24:22,584
My goodness. I've been seeing and hearing a lot of you, William.
343
00:24:22,584 --> 00:24:24,784
I'm delighted to see you doing so well.
344
00:24:24,784 --> 00:24:27,704
Oh, so you're happy for me, are you?
345
00:24:27,704 --> 00:24:32,544
- Of course.
- So you don't remember what you said to me?
346
00:24:32,544 --> 00:24:36,864
The one single thing that's motivated me to do so well in my life.
347
00:24:36,864 --> 00:24:41,744
So, I could come back here and shove it in your face.
348
00:24:41,744 --> 00:24:42,824
What did I say?
349
00:24:42,824 --> 00:24:45,424
You said to me,
350
00:24:45,424 --> 00:24:51,184
"William Dunn, you'll never amount to anything.
351
00:24:51,184 --> 00:24:56,904
"You'll never amount to anything."
352
00:24:56,904 --> 00:25:00,264
Oh, no, you see, I've got an excellent memory, William.
353
00:25:00,264 --> 00:25:04,344
I would never say that to any pupil, I certainly never said it to you.
354
00:25:04,344 --> 00:25:07,144
Maybe you should think about that a wee bit harder.
355
00:25:09,384 --> 00:25:14,144
Yeah, so Biscuity Boyle himself is going to be coming and giving out prizes at the sports day.
356
00:25:14,144 --> 00:25:18,104
He can still beat half these boys, what an athlete he is.
357
00:25:18,104 --> 00:25:22,064
..William Dunn, will you please stop mounting everything?
358
00:25:27,144 --> 00:25:29,584
Will you stop mounting everything, I said.
359
00:25:29,584 --> 00:25:32,384
Stop mounting everything.
360
00:25:32,384 --> 00:25:35,064
Glad to see you doing so well anyway.
361
00:25:52,624 --> 00:25:57,264
I think it's an area of the company where we have been guilty of under-investment.
362
00:25:57,264 --> 00:26:02,504
- Really?
- Absolutely. We haven't increased investment there since 2002.
363
00:26:02,504 --> 00:26:06,424
I mean, that's almost a decade with no increase in budget.
364
00:26:06,424 --> 00:26:10,104
And the strain is starting to show, it really is. I...
365
00:26:10,104 --> 00:26:13,024
Could you excuse me for just a second, Harry?
366
00:27:05,024 --> 00:27:06,544
Hey!
367
00:27:13,664 --> 00:27:16,864
Yeeeeesssssssssss!!!! Yeeeessss!
368
00:27:16,864 --> 00:27:20,024
Dull yin, man. Dull yin.
369
00:27:20,024 --> 00:27:24,464
Yeeessssss, whooooo!
370
00:27:29,104 --> 00:27:32,704
- HUSKY-VOICED:
- I bet if your love stream crossed with my love stream
371
00:27:32,704 --> 00:27:35,264
we'd create one of the great oceans of love.
372
00:27:35,264 --> 00:27:36,824
WASP BUZZES
373
00:27:36,824 --> 00:27:38,904
Argh! There's a wasp in my mooth!
374
00:27:38,904 --> 00:27:41,504
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
375
00:27:41,504 --> 00:27:43,664
HE SPLUTTERS
376
00:27:43,664 --> 00:27:45,664
Oooh, I can feel it in my belly.
377
00:27:46,944 --> 00:27:49,584
It's stung me, it's stung me. Ooh.
378
00:27:49,584 --> 00:27:52,464
It's stung my throat.
379
00:27:52,464 --> 00:27:57,144
It's swelling up! It's swelling up!
380
00:27:57,144 --> 00:27:59,144
HE GROANS
381
00:27:59,144 --> 00:28:01,184
- Have you got any baking soda or garlic?
- No!
382
00:28:01,184 --> 00:28:04,624
We need to get something down his throat that'll neutralise that sting.
383
00:28:04,624 --> 00:28:05,864
It'll need to be urine!
384
00:28:18,664 --> 00:28:22,064
- Oh, oh, that's it.
- That'll do it.
385
00:28:22,064 --> 00:28:26,984
Oh, I can breathe. Uh... Uh...
386
00:28:26,984 --> 00:28:30,184
HE WHEEZES AND COUGHS
387
00:28:34,864 --> 00:28:37,344
- HUSKY-VOICED:
- So how about we go back to my place
388
00:28:37,344 --> 00:28:39,384
and we can drink from my ocean of love?
389
00:28:39,384 --> 00:28:40,904
Oh, God, no!
390
00:28:56,984 --> 00:29:00,024
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
391
00:29:00,024 --> 00:29:03,064
Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk
392
00:29:03,114 --> 00:29:07,664
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