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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:07,840 This programme contains adult humour. 2 00:00:16,144 --> 00:00:20,184 Hello! My name's Alex Ciderson, and I'm pleased to announce 3 00:00:20,184 --> 00:00:21,344 our new product, 4 00:00:21,344 --> 00:00:23,904 the Scarepie. Hee-hee-hee! 5 00:00:23,904 --> 00:00:25,864 You've all heard of a scarecrow. 6 00:00:25,864 --> 00:00:28,904 A scarecrow was designed for scaring away birds. 7 00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:33,464 Such as, as the name scarecrow suggests, kestrels. 8 00:00:33,464 --> 00:00:36,984 But Alex Ciderson's Scarepie is designed for something else - 9 00:00:36,984 --> 00:00:39,264 scaring away wee pies. 10 00:00:40,224 --> 00:00:43,264 Wee pies like me. Hiya! 11 00:00:43,264 --> 00:00:45,624 HE SIGHS 12 00:00:48,784 --> 00:00:51,584 We have a solution to the problem of wee pies 13 00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:55,184 climbing into your garden during the night to piss in your pot plants. 14 00:00:55,184 --> 00:00:58,024 Nae wee pie is going to want to mess with this fella. 15 00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:02,944 The Scarepie is in the classic Alex Ciderson Alex Ciderson style, 16 00:01:02,944 --> 00:01:07,064 and comes with three motion- sensitive threatening phrases. 17 00:01:07,064 --> 00:01:10,144 Watch what happens when I approach the Scarepie. 18 00:01:20,424 --> 00:01:22,984 'Come ahead, you total pie.' 19 00:01:26,824 --> 00:01:29,824 'Oh, ya bun. Halt.' 20 00:01:39,104 --> 00:01:41,744 'I'll stiffen you, you rascal, you.' 21 00:01:41,744 --> 00:01:44,424 BREATHLESS 22 00:01:44,424 --> 00:01:47,184 Unt...until now... 23 00:01:48,904 --> 00:01:50,464 - < - Give me a sec. 24 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:56,424 Also available now, Alex Ciderson's Alex Ciderson sex doll for women. 25 00:01:57,384 --> 00:01:59,584 Oh, talk to me, Alex. 26 00:01:59,584 --> 00:02:04,064 'Oh, ya bun. Halt. Come ahead, you total pie.' 27 00:02:04,064 --> 00:02:07,344 Oh, I love it when you talk dirty! 28 00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:10,264 'I'll stiffen you, you rascal, you.' 29 00:02:12,624 --> 00:02:17,064 HUSKY-VOICED: I think your unique energy could combine with my unique energy 30 00:02:17,064 --> 00:02:19,824 to create a new Big Bang. 31 00:02:19,824 --> 00:02:22,584 A new sexual universe. 32 00:02:25,184 --> 00:02:27,224 Eugh! There's a moth in my mouth! 33 00:02:27,224 --> 00:02:31,544 Agh! Nuh...nuh...eugh! 34 00:02:31,544 --> 00:02:34,824 Pth...gah! 35 00:02:34,824 --> 00:02:40,144 Eugh! Mnuh...pth! 36 00:02:40,144 --> 00:02:41,704 Mnuh...mnuh! 37 00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:45,184 Eugh! Pth...pth... 38 00:02:49,384 --> 00:02:51,904 HUSKY-VOICED: So how about we go back to my place 39 00:02:51,904 --> 00:02:55,184 and start thinking about that...Big Bang? 40 00:02:55,184 --> 00:02:57,264 I don't think so. 41 00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:01,824 APPLAUSE 42 00:03:02,824 --> 00:03:05,784 TENTATIVE GUITAR CHORDS 43 00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:14,304 You broke my heart My lover, my best friend 44 00:03:14,304 --> 00:03:19,784 Tore me apart There's no way to pretend 45 00:03:21,624 --> 00:03:26,944 You broke my heart in pieces Darling, do you comprehend? 46 00:03:26,944 --> 00:03:31,744 That is why I killed you in the end 47 00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:38,944 That drop of cyanide I slipped into your tea 48 00:03:38,944 --> 00:03:44,864 I laughed like fuck As you died in front of me 49 00:03:45,824 --> 00:03:48,864 And I pissed in your best slippers 50 00:03:48,864 --> 00:03:51,824 In your wig and in your bra 51 00:03:51,824 --> 00:03:56,904 Now your corpse is stinking out my car 52 00:04:00,584 --> 00:04:05,464 And now the polis are staunin' in the pub 53 00:04:07,064 --> 00:04:11,904 Should I run or just give myself up? 54 00:04:13,464 --> 00:04:19,184 I won't go down alone Oh, I'll take out half the bar 55 00:04:19,184 --> 00:04:24,504 - With this bomb that's strapped to my guitar. - BOMB BEEPS 56 00:04:35,784 --> 00:04:37,264 Is Susan in? 57 00:04:37,264 --> 00:04:40,784 No. She's away to the pictures wi' a pal. 58 00:04:40,784 --> 00:04:46,664 Um...She said her printer was broke. I had a spare one, so I said I'd drop it in. 59 00:04:48,624 --> 00:04:49,944 Better bring it in, then. 60 00:04:52,024 --> 00:04:53,704 Nae bother. 61 00:05:05,624 --> 00:05:07,504 Where do you want me to put it? 62 00:05:07,504 --> 00:05:09,024 Don't care, mate. 63 00:05:11,784 --> 00:05:13,224 Will I just... 64 00:05:13,224 --> 00:05:15,064 Just put it on the carpet, mate. 65 00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:16,584 Carpet's good for it. 66 00:05:24,384 --> 00:05:27,864 I'm Ollie Green. I work with Susan. 67 00:05:27,864 --> 00:05:32,384 Aye, I know. I've looked at pictures of you. 68 00:05:34,824 --> 00:05:37,904 I mean, Susan's showed me them. 69 00:05:39,624 --> 00:05:42,064 I'd better be off, then, eh? 70 00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:45,064 She doesnae love me any more. 71 00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,584 She says she doesnae love me. 72 00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,144 I'm sorry to hear that, man. 73 00:05:56,144 --> 00:05:58,264 Did she tell you about it? 74 00:05:58,264 --> 00:06:04,824 N...No, it's not the kind of thing she'd talk to me about. 75 00:06:09,464 --> 00:06:11,064 Listen, do you want a beer? 76 00:06:11,064 --> 00:06:14,664 - Nah, I can't. I really need to go. - Come on, have a beer. 77 00:06:14,664 --> 00:06:17,224 I'm watching Bloodsport, it's just started. 78 00:06:17,224 --> 00:06:22,464 - Do you like Bloodsport? - Um...it's been years since I last saw it. 79 00:06:22,464 --> 00:06:26,504 - I liked it when I was a boy, aye. - Aye, I bet you'd be well into it, eh? 80 00:06:31,144 --> 00:06:34,224 Come on, have a beer. Bit of Bloodsport. 81 00:06:34,224 --> 00:06:36,024 Wee bit of Van Dammage. 82 00:06:36,024 --> 00:06:37,664 And we'll set that printer up 83 00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:41,584 and start printing all sorts of shit off, man. For a laugh. 84 00:06:41,584 --> 00:06:43,864 Nah, mate, I cannae. 85 00:06:43,864 --> 00:06:47,144 You can. My name's Tam. You can. 86 00:06:47,144 --> 00:06:49,544 I cannae, Tam. It's ma maw's birthday. 87 00:06:49,544 --> 00:06:52,384 I was just dropping that in on the way up to see her. 88 00:06:52,384 --> 00:06:56,064 Aye, a man's got to prioritise. 89 00:06:56,064 --> 00:06:57,824 I can respect that. 90 00:07:02,864 --> 00:07:05,144 Uh... 91 00:07:06,264 --> 00:07:09,984 ..ink cartridges. For the printer. 92 00:07:11,344 --> 00:07:14,384 Oh, good man. Good man. 93 00:07:14,384 --> 00:07:18,624 It's a nightmare when you run out of the old ink, isn't it? No' think so yoursel'? 94 00:07:19,584 --> 00:07:24,984 - No' think it's a nightmare? - Aye. Aye, it's-it's a nightmare. 95 00:07:24,984 --> 00:07:29,344 Listen, man, there really is a lot of beer in there for just one guy. 96 00:07:29,344 --> 00:07:31,344 I need to go and see my maw. 97 00:07:31,344 --> 00:07:34,664 I-I need to go and see my maw. 98 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:36,904 Mate... 99 00:07:38,824 --> 00:07:41,224 ..can you tell your maw I said happy birthday? 100 00:07:45,784 --> 00:07:47,704 All right, aye. 101 00:07:49,104 --> 00:07:50,704 I'll say it happened anyway! 102 00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:52,944 What? 103 00:07:54,344 --> 00:07:57,104 I'll tell people we did it with one another anyway. 104 00:07:59,304 --> 00:08:02,024 So you might as well get some pleasure out of it. 105 00:08:05,304 --> 00:08:07,704 I'll say it happened anyway. 106 00:08:39,384 --> 00:08:41,104 TV PLAYS 107 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,624 Just take a seat, Uncle George. 108 00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:49,504 My dad's not in the noo. My ma'll be out of the bath in a minute. 109 00:08:49,504 --> 00:08:51,384 Aye, nae bother. 110 00:08:54,504 --> 00:08:56,064 Is it true then? 111 00:08:57,024 --> 00:08:58,544 Shush, Rosso. 112 00:08:58,544 --> 00:09:01,224 My ma says we've not to talk about it. 113 00:09:01,224 --> 00:09:03,944 - Is it, Uncle George? Is it true? - What's that? 114 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:06,264 That you're going to be our new da? 115 00:09:06,264 --> 00:09:09,544 - You what? - My ma says you're going to be our new da. 116 00:09:09,544 --> 00:09:13,224 Aye, that's why she's in the bath. She's leaning her boobs for you. 117 00:09:13,224 --> 00:09:15,024 She's cleaning all the mud off them. 118 00:09:15,024 --> 00:09:17,024 No, you got the wrong end of the stick. 119 00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:20,384 Naw. She says she wants a hunk to be her live-in lover. 120 00:09:20,384 --> 00:09:22,144 A baldy hunk. 121 00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:24,264 She says she wants to do sex with you. 122 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:27,464 She says she wants to have a threesome with you, just the two of youse. 123 00:09:27,464 --> 00:09:30,104 You shouldnae be talking like that at your ages, youse are 12! 124 00:09:30,104 --> 00:09:32,344 Youse don't know anything about this stuff. 125 00:09:32,344 --> 00:09:35,224 Aye, we know, we know what infertile means. 126 00:09:35,224 --> 00:09:39,344 It means I cannae get any eggs to come out of my stauner when I rub it on the couch. 127 00:09:39,344 --> 00:09:41,504 I'm not kidding you about my ma. 128 00:09:41,504 --> 00:09:47,904 - She loves you. - She tells us about it every night before bed. And then she shoots us with a crossbow. 129 00:09:47,904 --> 00:09:50,464 Are you here to roast our mammy, Uncle George? 130 00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:53,064 No, I'm just here to get a loan of something off your da. 131 00:09:53,064 --> 00:09:56,824 Aye, get a loan of our ma so you can have a sex-fuelled coke orgy with her. 132 00:09:56,824 --> 00:09:59,264 Will you get us a gun when you're our da, Uncle George? 133 00:09:59,264 --> 00:10:04,504 Oh, if you get us a gun, we promise we'll no burst into the room when my mammy's pulling your G-spot. 134 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,464 She wants to bone you right up your orgasm, Uncle George. 135 00:10:07,464 --> 00:10:09,584 Can we call you Uncle Da? 136 00:10:09,584 --> 00:10:11,824 Can we call you Uncle Georgie G-Spot? 137 00:10:11,824 --> 00:10:15,584 - Can we call you Uncle Orgasm, Da? - Listen boys, I'm going to head. 138 00:10:15,584 --> 00:10:17,744 So just tell your mum I'll be round later. 139 00:10:17,744 --> 00:10:21,304 Will you give us a tenner each so we don't tell my da 140 00:10:21,304 --> 00:10:24,704 - about all these things you've been saying to us? - What things? 141 00:10:24,704 --> 00:10:26,344 All the things we just said. 142 00:10:26,344 --> 00:10:30,304 We couldn't have come up with all that stuff by ourselves. You must have said them. 143 00:10:30,304 --> 00:10:33,184 You must have put all that filth into our wee minds. 144 00:10:34,864 --> 00:10:36,384 HE SIGHS 145 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,544 Eh...what's the money for? 146 00:10:41,504 --> 00:10:47,824 - Uncle George asked us to go out and score 10 wraps of Jamaican ecky jellies for him. - George! 147 00:10:47,824 --> 00:10:49,624 I thought you were clean now?! 148 00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:55,704 SHE GIGGLES 149 00:10:55,704 --> 00:10:57,584 - HUSKY-VOICED: - I bet if you mix together 150 00:10:57,584 --> 00:11:00,304 your shade of hot loving with my shade of hot loving, 151 00:11:00,304 --> 00:11:03,144 we'd create a new colour... 152 00:11:03,144 --> 00:11:04,424 sin-digo. 153 00:11:04,424 --> 00:11:06,624 FLY BUZZES 154 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:09,144 Nyah! Oh there's a fly went up my nose! 155 00:11:09,144 --> 00:11:10,544 Eugh! 156 00:11:12,264 --> 00:11:15,064 Nmph! Nmph! Nmph! Nmph! 157 00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:19,264 Oh, I've swallowed it! 158 00:11:21,704 --> 00:11:25,904 HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS 159 00:11:25,904 --> 00:11:29,704 Pth! Oh, there it is. 160 00:11:29,704 --> 00:11:33,984 - STAMPING - Oh...that's the fourth fly this week. 161 00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:42,824 - HUSKY-VOICED: - So how about we go back to my place and start mixing some colours? 162 00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:47,224 Nah. Some other time, maybe. 163 00:11:50,704 --> 00:11:52,624 Anyway, Barry will be down in a minute. 164 00:11:52,624 --> 00:11:54,904 Do you want a cup of tea? I'm about to put his dinner on. 165 00:11:54,904 --> 00:11:59,424 - Aye, thanks, Mary, I just want to ask him something about the fives. - All right, cool. 166 00:12:01,704 --> 00:12:02,944 CRACKLING 167 00:12:06,584 --> 00:12:07,944 You're... 168 00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:12,144 Aye, I'm you. I'm you from the future. And I'm here to tell you something. 169 00:12:12,144 --> 00:12:14,384 Get her pumped. 170 00:12:14,384 --> 00:12:16,264 What? 171 00:12:16,264 --> 00:12:18,824 Please, don't blow this opportunity. 172 00:12:18,824 --> 00:12:21,824 In this timeline, if you grab Mary and winch her, 173 00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,664 kiss her like you've never kissed a woman before, 174 00:12:24,664 --> 00:12:26,944 she'll leave Barry and run away with you. 175 00:12:26,944 --> 00:12:29,464 - Now hurry up! You don't have much time! - But I... 176 00:12:29,464 --> 00:12:34,544 Please. You've got to do this for both our sakes. Now I need to go. 177 00:12:34,544 --> 00:12:35,984 The time stream's closing. 178 00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,664 - MARY: - Milk, aye? 179 00:12:43,984 --> 00:12:45,224 - < - Here we go. 180 00:12:46,544 --> 00:12:48,264 There's your tea. 181 00:12:51,064 --> 00:12:52,144 What...! 182 00:12:54,784 --> 00:12:55,904 HE GROANS 183 00:12:55,904 --> 00:12:57,984 Get your hands off me! 184 00:12:57,984 --> 00:13:00,344 Oh! Oh! 185 00:13:02,024 --> 00:13:04,304 - What's going on here?! - John's just winched me! 186 00:13:04,304 --> 00:13:05,984 You dirty bastard! 187 00:13:12,344 --> 00:13:14,504 THEY CHEER 188 00:13:18,304 --> 00:13:20,704 - HE LAUGHS - I got me a belter! 189 00:13:20,704 --> 00:13:22,624 I remember it now! 190 00:13:22,624 --> 00:13:25,024 Look at my nose! Do you remember? 191 00:13:25,024 --> 00:13:29,224 You winched me! I stuck the head on you! I remember now. 192 00:13:30,304 --> 00:13:31,784 I leathered you for it! 193 00:13:31,784 --> 00:13:34,864 Yas, mate. Yaas. 194 00:13:34,864 --> 00:13:37,464 Here, let me go back in time and bam myself up. 195 00:13:44,064 --> 00:13:46,544 Right. Wait 'til youse remember this one! 196 00:13:50,904 --> 00:13:52,744 RADIO PLAYS 197 00:13:52,744 --> 00:13:54,864 'Mon! Bit of Billy Idol! 198 00:13:54,864 --> 00:13:57,264 I was just thinking, Toshan. 199 00:13:57,264 --> 00:13:59,824 We're quality polis, aren't we? 200 00:13:59,824 --> 00:14:02,864 Quality polis, McGregor! 201 00:14:02,864 --> 00:14:06,184 MUSIC: "Hot In The City" by Billy Idol 202 00:14:06,184 --> 00:14:07,824 You're steamin'! 203 00:14:09,144 --> 00:14:11,224 GLASS SMASHES, THEY CHEER 204 00:14:11,224 --> 00:14:14,784 Listen, we better go, that woman said she was going to phone the polis! 205 00:14:14,784 --> 00:14:17,064 And what? What's the polis going to do? 206 00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:18,824 POLICE SIREN APPROACHES 207 00:14:20,104 --> 00:14:22,464 MUSIC PLAYS, POLICE SING 208 00:14:22,464 --> 00:14:27,184 Nothin's gonna stop us now 209 00:14:27,184 --> 00:14:30,744 And this world runs out of lovers 210 00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:35,464 We'll still have each other Nothin's going to stop us... 211 00:14:35,464 --> 00:14:38,504 - You should go on that X-Factor. - Och, away. 212 00:14:38,504 --> 00:14:40,984 You should - you've got a beautiful singing voice. 213 00:14:40,984 --> 00:14:46,464 - Let them hear you do your Uptown Girl. - Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh 214 00:14:46,464 --> 00:14:49,304 Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... 215 00:14:49,304 --> 00:14:52,184 Aargh! Oh, you peppered me! 216 00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:53,864 That's for all your stupid singing! 217 00:14:53,864 --> 00:14:55,704 We're meant to be quality polis here! 218 00:14:55,704 --> 00:14:58,784 - Youse saw that! That was assault! Sure it was? - Get in the boot! 219 00:14:58,784 --> 00:15:05,664 Oh, he's mental, hen. Listen, see if he arrests you, you'll never see your mammy again. 220 00:15:05,664 --> 00:15:07,584 You'll never see her again! 221 00:15:07,584 --> 00:15:09,424 - In the boot, you, come on! - Oh... 222 00:15:09,424 --> 00:15:13,144 - I'm taking your gun off you, you're off the case! - He's flipped it. 223 00:15:13,144 --> 00:15:18,224 We've not even got guns! We're Scottish! Youse better run! 224 00:15:18,224 --> 00:15:20,344 Save yourselves, you wee angels! 225 00:15:20,344 --> 00:15:25,944 - Get in the boot, Toshan! - You'll never get away with this, McGregor, there's all these witnesses! 226 00:15:25,944 --> 00:15:27,864 There'll no be any witnesses. 227 00:15:27,864 --> 00:15:32,224 NAE WITNESSES! 228 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:39,624 How good was that? 229 00:15:39,624 --> 00:15:44,384 Old fake pepper-spray routine, never fails. Quality, wasn't it? 230 00:15:44,384 --> 00:15:45,544 Fist bump! 231 00:15:45,544 --> 00:15:47,704 Let's go. 232 00:15:47,704 --> 00:15:53,224 - Quality polis. - Quality polis, McGregor. No' that way! 233 00:15:53,224 --> 00:15:57,584 MUSIC: "Wipeout" 234 00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:38,904 - What you eating? - An Epiphany Continuum. 235 00:16:42,344 --> 00:16:43,944 A what? 236 00:16:43,944 --> 00:16:45,704 An Epiphany Continuum. 237 00:16:45,704 --> 00:16:49,384 - From the supermarket. - What's that? 238 00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:53,104 I don't know...like pasta or something. 239 00:16:53,104 --> 00:16:54,584 No, it's no' pasta. 240 00:16:54,584 --> 00:16:59,384 - I don't know what it is. - An Epiphany Continuum? - Aye. 241 00:16:59,384 --> 00:17:01,704 What kind of name is that for a ready meal? 242 00:17:02,784 --> 00:17:05,544 - Is the box still in the kitchen? - Aye. 243 00:17:11,944 --> 00:17:13,544 Don't eat that! 244 00:17:16,424 --> 00:17:19,024 - It's out of date. - It'll be fine. 245 00:17:19,024 --> 00:17:24,344 Mate, "Best Before: The Year Of Our Lord 1655". 246 00:17:26,384 --> 00:17:27,824 It smells all right. 247 00:17:27,824 --> 00:17:31,864 I don't know, man. I don't like the look of this packaging either. 248 00:17:35,104 --> 00:17:37,984 Calum, I'm no' binning it. It was two quid! 249 00:17:40,384 --> 00:17:43,304 Right. Look at the ingredients here, right? 250 00:17:43,304 --> 00:17:47,624 "Primal matter, asp tongue mould, 251 00:17:47,624 --> 00:17:52,504 "mandrake, the breath of God." 252 00:17:53,544 --> 00:17:58,744 - That's all additives, mate. - Calum, I'm eating my Epiphany Continuum, all right? 253 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,264 You're not my ma! 254 00:18:08,944 --> 00:18:10,344 Mate... 255 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:12,824 Mate... 256 00:18:12,824 --> 00:18:15,184 HE GASPS 257 00:18:16,664 --> 00:18:18,264 You fainted, man. 258 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:22,344 Right after you ate that. You all right? 259 00:18:22,344 --> 00:18:24,344 We're doomed. 260 00:18:24,344 --> 00:18:26,264 It's over. 261 00:18:26,264 --> 00:18:27,984 I saw things. 262 00:18:27,984 --> 00:18:29,984 Terrible things. 263 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:33,264 I saw civilisations collapse. 264 00:18:33,264 --> 00:18:36,944 Every living soul driven insane. 265 00:18:36,944 --> 00:18:39,464 The world on fire. 266 00:18:39,464 --> 00:18:41,504 Cities devastated. 267 00:18:41,504 --> 00:18:43,784 Piles of bodies everywhere. 268 00:18:43,784 --> 00:18:46,864 Flesh pits, burning in the moonlight. 269 00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:49,904 I saw the sun...die. 270 00:18:49,904 --> 00:18:51,784 Stars turning in on themselves. 271 00:18:51,784 --> 00:18:57,064 The universe fracture into a nothingness. 272 00:18:57,064 --> 00:19:02,104 And a malignant sentience behind it all, 273 00:19:02,104 --> 00:19:07,864 watching, waiting... 274 00:19:07,864 --> 00:19:09,984 What? 275 00:19:09,984 --> 00:19:13,184 - You know what the worst of it is? - What? 276 00:19:15,304 --> 00:19:17,824 I'm still fucking starving. 277 00:19:30,984 --> 00:19:32,544 ICE-CREAM VAN CHIMES PLAY 278 00:19:32,544 --> 00:19:34,584 Bye, then, you silly wee man. 279 00:19:35,944 --> 00:19:39,224 Right, let's get the candles on Mammy's birthday cake lit. 280 00:19:44,864 --> 00:19:48,664 Where's the rest of the word letters, Walter? 281 00:19:48,664 --> 00:19:51,264 Where is the "and Walter", Walter? 282 00:19:52,424 --> 00:19:55,304 - Where's the "and Walter?!" - It's in my "and belly!" 283 00:19:55,304 --> 00:19:58,104 You've spoilt Mammy's cake! 284 00:19:58,104 --> 00:20:02,824 It's my name and I can eat my name if I want to eat my own name anyway. 285 00:20:02,824 --> 00:20:06,304 Fine. "To Mammy from Paul." She'll think it's just from me. 286 00:20:06,304 --> 00:20:09,104 It was me that done everything as usual anyway. 287 00:20:09,104 --> 00:20:12,224 Cos you don't care about your own mammy's ghost. 288 00:20:12,224 --> 00:20:16,704 I do care. I made my mammy a birthday card all by my own 289 00:20:16,704 --> 00:20:21,264 which is even more specialer than buying one from a rubbish shop man anyway! 290 00:20:21,264 --> 00:20:24,144 - You made a birthday card? - Mmm-hmm! 291 00:20:29,624 --> 00:20:32,584 That's just a few slices of corned beef, Walter! 292 00:20:32,584 --> 00:20:35,024 Read it anyway! 293 00:20:38,264 --> 00:20:45,264 It says, "Once upon a time, to Mammy from Walter, your best son, 294 00:20:45,264 --> 00:20:49,944 "your best wee baby boy, Paul is a big, stupid, smelly idiot 295 00:20:49,944 --> 00:20:52,984 "and I hate him. The End." 296 00:20:52,984 --> 00:20:54,584 And where does it say that? 297 00:20:54,584 --> 00:20:59,664 I wrote it with my tongue and it just made a hole in the beef and you cannae read it properly, 298 00:20:59,664 --> 00:21:02,944 because my tongue IS NOT A PEN, PAUL! 299 00:21:02,944 --> 00:21:06,384 MY TONGUE IS NOT A PEN! 300 00:21:07,904 --> 00:21:10,184 Our mammy was a queen. 301 00:21:10,184 --> 00:21:14,984 Do you think Prince Charles turns round to the Queen on her birthday and says, "There you go, Mammy, 302 00:21:14,984 --> 00:21:20,304 "there's a few slices of meat I Sellotaped together and made a hole in with my tongue?!" 303 00:21:20,304 --> 00:21:25,064 I want the word letters of my name on that cake. 304 00:21:25,064 --> 00:21:26,544 Tough! 305 00:21:26,544 --> 00:21:28,344 You ate all the word letters. 306 00:21:28,344 --> 00:21:34,504 - And don't forget what Mammy used to say to you when you used to steal all her pills. - What? 307 00:21:34,504 --> 00:21:37,544 Greedy people go to the bad fire. 308 00:21:37,544 --> 00:21:41,424 Well, I'll just tell Jesus I'm sorry anyway. 309 00:21:41,424 --> 00:21:44,704 Sorry's no' enough. You'll have to make a sacrifice. 310 00:21:45,744 --> 00:21:53,024 For one whole week you have to give up eating Aeros. 311 00:21:53,024 --> 00:21:56,584 NO! I'm never giving up eating Aeros! 312 00:21:56,584 --> 00:21:59,864 It's the only way. Heaven or Aeros? 313 00:21:59,864 --> 00:22:01,264 Jesus wants to know. 314 00:22:02,824 --> 00:22:06,664 Jesus, you're a bad man ANYWAY! 315 00:22:06,664 --> 00:22:08,944 Oh, don't you dare say that! 316 00:22:08,944 --> 00:22:11,664 Heaven or Aeros? 317 00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:16,984 Oh, Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? 318 00:22:16,984 --> 00:22:21,864 Oh! Aeros! I just want to eat Aeros all the time anyway. 319 00:22:22,904 --> 00:22:26,744 Right, Mammy, time to light your cake. 320 00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:32,704 Aargh! 321 00:22:33,864 --> 00:22:35,384 Walter! 322 00:22:39,144 --> 00:22:41,544 Right, I'll sit on your face. 323 00:22:44,824 --> 00:22:48,544 I'm going to use this candle as a pen and I'm going to write my name on this cake. 324 00:22:48,544 --> 00:22:53,824 And I'm going to take all the word letters of your name off so Mammy thinks it's just from me. 325 00:22:54,784 --> 00:22:58,464 Get off my face, Walter, I can smell your yesterdays. 326 00:22:58,464 --> 00:23:00,824 Just write my name! 327 00:23:00,824 --> 00:23:07,184 There, there! There we go! A beautiful cake. 328 00:23:10,504 --> 00:23:15,944 I spent money I haven't got getting that cake made! 329 00:23:15,944 --> 00:23:17,824 All right? Going to give me an Aero? 330 00:23:17,824 --> 00:23:21,824 No! You can go and tell your Jesus that nobody's getting an Aero 331 00:23:21,824 --> 00:23:24,264 because it's all my chocolate anyway! 332 00:23:29,904 --> 00:23:31,304 HE SOBS 333 00:23:34,624 --> 00:23:37,984 There you go, Mammy, there's some of that cake I got for you. 334 00:23:37,984 --> 00:23:42,424 Happy birthday to you 335 00:23:42,424 --> 00:23:46,984 Happy birthday to you... 336 00:23:46,984 --> 00:23:49,824 You're a bad man, Jesus! 337 00:23:49,824 --> 00:23:53,504 Happy birthday to you. 338 00:24:00,144 --> 00:24:01,664 There he is. 339 00:24:08,104 --> 00:24:09,904 Mr Cocklefroth. 340 00:24:12,264 --> 00:24:15,384 Do you not remember me, Mr Cocklefroth? 341 00:24:15,384 --> 00:24:17,744 William Dunn? 342 00:24:17,744 --> 00:24:22,584 My goodness. I've been seeing and hearing a lot of you, William. 343 00:24:22,584 --> 00:24:24,784 I'm delighted to see you doing so well. 344 00:24:24,784 --> 00:24:27,704 Oh, so you're happy for me, are you? 345 00:24:27,704 --> 00:24:32,544 - Of course. - So you don't remember what you said to me? 346 00:24:32,544 --> 00:24:36,864 The one single thing that's motivated me to do so well in my life. 347 00:24:36,864 --> 00:24:41,744 So, I could come back here and shove it in your face. 348 00:24:41,744 --> 00:24:42,824 What did I say? 349 00:24:42,824 --> 00:24:45,424 You said to me, 350 00:24:45,424 --> 00:24:51,184 "William Dunn, you'll never amount to anything. 351 00:24:51,184 --> 00:24:56,904 "You'll never amount to anything." 352 00:24:56,904 --> 00:25:00,264 Oh, no, you see, I've got an excellent memory, William. 353 00:25:00,264 --> 00:25:04,344 I would never say that to any pupil, I certainly never said it to you. 354 00:25:04,344 --> 00:25:07,144 Maybe you should think about that a wee bit harder. 355 00:25:09,384 --> 00:25:14,144 Yeah, so Biscuity Boyle himself is going to be coming and giving out prizes at the sports day. 356 00:25:14,144 --> 00:25:18,104 He can still beat half these boys, what an athlete he is. 357 00:25:18,104 --> 00:25:22,064 ..William Dunn, will you please stop mounting everything? 358 00:25:27,144 --> 00:25:29,584 Will you stop mounting everything, I said. 359 00:25:29,584 --> 00:25:32,384 Stop mounting everything. 360 00:25:32,384 --> 00:25:35,064 Glad to see you doing so well anyway. 361 00:25:52,624 --> 00:25:57,264 I think it's an area of the company where we have been guilty of under-investment. 362 00:25:57,264 --> 00:26:02,504 - Really? - Absolutely. We haven't increased investment there since 2002. 363 00:26:02,504 --> 00:26:06,424 I mean, that's almost a decade with no increase in budget. 364 00:26:06,424 --> 00:26:10,104 And the strain is starting to show, it really is. I... 365 00:26:10,104 --> 00:26:13,024 Could you excuse me for just a second, Harry? 366 00:27:05,024 --> 00:27:06,544 Hey! 367 00:27:13,664 --> 00:27:16,864 Yeeeeesssssssssss!!!! Yeeeessss! 368 00:27:16,864 --> 00:27:20,024 Dull yin, man. Dull yin. 369 00:27:20,024 --> 00:27:24,464 Yeeessssss, whooooo! 370 00:27:29,104 --> 00:27:32,704 - HUSKY-VOICED: - I bet if your love stream crossed with my love stream 371 00:27:32,704 --> 00:27:35,264 we'd create one of the great oceans of love. 372 00:27:35,264 --> 00:27:36,824 WASP BUZZES 373 00:27:36,824 --> 00:27:38,904 Argh! There's a wasp in my mooth! 374 00:27:38,904 --> 00:27:41,504 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! 375 00:27:41,504 --> 00:27:43,664 HE SPLUTTERS 376 00:27:43,664 --> 00:27:45,664 Oooh, I can feel it in my belly. 377 00:27:46,944 --> 00:27:49,584 It's stung me, it's stung me. Ooh. 378 00:27:49,584 --> 00:27:52,464 It's stung my throat. 379 00:27:52,464 --> 00:27:57,144 It's swelling up! It's swelling up! 380 00:27:57,144 --> 00:27:59,144 HE GROANS 381 00:27:59,144 --> 00:28:01,184 - Have you got any baking soda or garlic? - No! 382 00:28:01,184 --> 00:28:04,624 We need to get something down his throat that'll neutralise that sting. 383 00:28:04,624 --> 00:28:05,864 It'll need to be urine! 384 00:28:18,664 --> 00:28:22,064 - Oh, oh, that's it. - That'll do it. 385 00:28:22,064 --> 00:28:26,984 Oh, I can breathe. Uh... Uh... 386 00:28:26,984 --> 00:28:30,184 HE WHEEZES AND COUGHS 387 00:28:34,864 --> 00:28:37,344 - HUSKY-VOICED: - So how about we go back to my place 388 00:28:37,344 --> 00:28:39,384 and we can drink from my ocean of love? 389 00:28:39,384 --> 00:28:40,904 Oh, God, no! 390 00:28:56,984 --> 00:29:00,024 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd. 391 00:29:00,024 --> 00:29:03,064 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk 392 00:29:03,114 --> 00:29:07,664 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 30447

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