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THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR
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Oh, OK, OK, OK. Is it time for...
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You Are My Lord?
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- Yes!
- LIGHT APPLAUSE
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Right, now, this is David's first Barr family party.
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Now, David, this is a little bit of a family tradition, so please do join in.
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- Everybody joins in.
- OK.
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Paddy!
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PLAYS GUITAR
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- You are my Lord
- You are my Lord
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- You are my Lord
- You are my Lord
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- You are my Lord
- You are my Lord
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- You are my Lord
- You are my Lord
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- You are my Lord
- You are my Lord
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- You are my Lord
- You are my Lord
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Oh, Satan, you are my Lord
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Oh, Satan,
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We are your children
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We long to serve you
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Carry out your evil will
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We hate that God fella
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And his boy Jesus
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So in your dark name
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Christians we will kill
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- You are my Lord
- You are my Lord...
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- I need to go to the toilet.
- All right, aye.
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You are my Lord
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You are my Lord
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You are my Lord
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- You are my Lord
- You are my Lord
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- You are my Lord
- You are my Lord
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Oh, Satan, you are my Lord.
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What's the panic? Why am I rushing over?
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- I need to ask you something important, Peter.
- What?
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Right, we're out one night, right?
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And I go to the toilet.
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Right, aye.
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Right, now I'm away for ages, right, so, you come and check on me,
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and you're like that, "Scott, are you all right?"
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Right, aye, maybe.
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But I'm no' all right, man.
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I'm pretty far from all right. I'm lying there on the floor
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of that toilet cubicle with a shite half hanging out my arse.
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What are you doing that for? That's disgusting.
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Cos I've collapsed, I don't know, man, maybe I was putting too much
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effort in and I've passed out, or maybe I've had a heart attack,
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but either way I'm lying there, face down, with a jobby poking out.
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What is this about?
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Would you nip it off for me, mate?
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Eh?
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- Would you nip it off for me before the ambulance arrives, save me that embarrassment?
- No.
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I wouldn't want to touch a mate's... No, all right?
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I can't believe I'm hearing this, that's what pals are for.
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Ask anybody, nipping one off. That's in the code of friendship.
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Are you mental? Who even thinks about stuff like that?
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I'd do it for you, man, I'd nip one off for you anytime.
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I don't want you to nip one off for me, Scott.
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If I'm so freakishly unlucky that I collapse while I'm squeezing one out,
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I don't want you poking about down there.
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Oh, so you'd rather some medic found you that way?
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You'd rather risk some beautiful young medic finding you like that,
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instead of your pal just nipping it off for you?
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I'd probably only see that paramedic that one time.
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I need to see you every day, looking you in the eye,
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knowing that had happened between us.
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No, you don't get involved down there, all right? Nae nipping off for me.
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Peter, man... I don't know if you could even call us pals anymore.
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Well, maybe we're no!
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I cannae believe I'm about to say this.
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All right. I'll nip it off.
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Oh, Peter, man, I knew I could trust you.
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But you don't touch mine. Deal?
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Deal.
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Speaking of which, man, I need to go to the toilet.
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TOILET FLUSHES
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All right? I'm Jolly Boy John!
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Jolly Boy John wearing his da's old roller skates and all his ma's pants
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and bras and singing Does Yer Maw Drink Wine at a wee dug is for real,
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for real, for real, for real,
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for real!
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Does your maw drink wine?
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Does she drink it all the time?
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Does she get a funny feeling when her head hits off the ceiling?
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Does yer da drink gin?
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Does he drink it out the bin?
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For real!
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SIRENS BLARE
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Quiet today, isn't it, Toshan?
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Not a crime to be had.
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I reckon that's cos we're quality polis, eh, Toshan?
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Eh, Toshan?
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Toshan!
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TOSHAN!
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Oh! Wha...?!
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- You peppered me! A real one!
- Aye, a real one.
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- Real! It was real!
- You were ignoring me!
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Oh, pepper! Pepper!
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Oh, shush, it wasnae that bad!
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- What?!
- It wasnae that bad, man up!
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We're supposed to be polis.
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Quality polis.
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Well, get out! Out!
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Out of the motor!
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Out! On your way!
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HE MUMBLES
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My eyes are melting! My eyes are melting! Oh!
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For God's sake, Toshan, it's no that bad!
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Well, you try it, then, you big brown moustached bastard!
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I would do, nae problem to a quality polis like me.
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Right, then, big man, you do it, then, well!
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I will do it, well, I will!
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Right, here we go, then. Here we are now, right?
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Ah! Oh, see, nothing, nothing, oh!
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There you are, easy ozie!
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Easy ozie. Ah!
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Ah! Ah!
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Jesus!
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That's the fake one, you sly bastard!
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Oh, Mammy, Daddy, I've peppered myself!
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Oh!
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Packet of chewing gum.
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- Is that all?
- Em....
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A few packets of crisps...
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A wee bit of chocolate an' all.
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- Is that you?
- Any milk? - Up the back.
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- Any bread, hen?
- It's up to your left there.
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Hello. It's Stevie.
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Aye, listen, are you wanting anything at this garage?
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Is that all?
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Er...
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They've got normal digestive or milk chocolate digestive..
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You got any plain chocolate digestives?
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If they're not out, we've not got any.
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The lassie's saying if they're not out, they've not got any.
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Right.
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Well, what kind of biscuits does your maw like?
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Och, no, it's all right, I'll just phone her and ask her myself.
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Right. Cheerio, darling.
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Hello, Margaret. It's Stevie.
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Aye... Aye, it's healing up fine, aye.
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No, listen, right, what it is is, right, what it is is, I'm out buying biscuits.
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What kind of biscuits do you like?
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No, no, they've not got any plain chocolate digestives.
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What they've got is normal digestives and, em...
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thingy, the thingy, milk chocolate digestives.
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Right. Nothing? Nothing, then?
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Right... Aye! Aye, oh, it's healing up fine, Margaret, it's fine, aye.
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Aye... Right, aye, right, no, no.
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Right, see you, Margaret, cheerio, cheerio.
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- Is that everything?
- Is that everything? Em...
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Is that everything? Er...
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Is that everything? Is that everything? Em...
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Aye. Aye, aye, that's it.
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- Och, no. Aye, aye.
- No fuel?
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No, no. No, no fuel, no.
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Och, no, I might as well fill her up while I'm here, aye.
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Right, two seconds.
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Sitting in the street Watching pretty girls go by
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All these little honeys, Oh, they really catch my eye
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Lookin' you all over Every small detail
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Staring at you so hard I should probably get to jail
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Storing you baby in the wank bank
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Gonna catch you later in the wank bank
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Don't need no vibrator in the wank bank
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Gonna ruin some socks on you
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Ruin some socks on you, baby
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Standing in the bakery Just buying us a snack
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Baby, you're so hot You almost caused a heart attack
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The meat inside in my sausage roll Is so warm and juicy
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And I just want to take it, babe and stick it...
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In my pocket
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Storing you, baby, in the wank bank
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Middle aged mama in the wank bank
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Ain't no legal drama in the wank bank
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Gonna ruin some socks on you
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Ruin some good socks on you, mama
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Sitting now just watching all the traffic fly through
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It's funny how there's always something sexy there for you
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Don't be worried, mister we're just staring at your ride
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The tightest little car exhaust we've ever wanted inside
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Storing that pipe in the wank bank
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No one's gonna see us in the wank bank
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You can't burn your penis in the wank bank
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Gonna ruin some socks on you
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Ruin some socks on you, baby
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Destroy those socks
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How'd I fail to notice this guy sitting here?
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If I just stare at you, would my intentions be clear?
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I love it when you stare at me I think I'll stare right back
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And think about it later When a sock sits on my sack
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Storing each other in the wank bank
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That ain't so surprising in the wank bank
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We've even had Mike Tyson in the wank bank
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Gonna ruin some socks on us
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That's where all your husband's socks are going, baby.
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VAN CHIME PLAYS
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Can I help you?
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Aye, can I have a packet of beef Monster Munch, please?
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- We don't have any beefy.
- We don't have any beefy.
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What have youse got?
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- We've got pickly onions.
- We've got pickly onions.
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- Then we've got burny hot flavour.
- And we've got burny hot flavour.
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Stop repeating everything I'm saying.
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Stop repeating everything I'm saying!
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- I'm sorry about this.
- I'm sorry about this.
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- Let me just have a wee word with my brother.
- Let me just have a wee word with my brother.
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If you don't stop copying me I'll give you sherbet eyes
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and I know how much you hate having sherbet eyes!
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If you don't stop copying me I'll give you sherbet eyes
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- and I know how much you hate having sherbet eyes!
- Can I have my crisps?
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Could you just wait a second and not be so bloody rude?!
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Could you just wait a second and not be so bloody rude?!
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Right, copy this.
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Right, copy this.
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- Mn-mnah-mn-mnah!
- Mn-mnah-mn-mnah!
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Abubba-dubba-umma-nmah-dibby!
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Abubba-dubba-umma-nmah-dibby!
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Walter is a stupid, silly, daft, rubbish wee idiot, stupid,
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nae pals, nobody loves him, everybody hates him, Mammy never liked him, cannae play the accordion,
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scared of the dark, smelly, smelly, smelly!
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Walter is a stupid, silly, daft, rubbish wee idiot, stupid, nae pals,
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nobody loves him, everybody hates him, Mammy never liked him, cannae play the accordion,
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scared of the dark smelly, smelly, smelly! Anyway!
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Ha! Got you! I never said "anyway"!
225
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,440
Ha! Got you! I never said "anyway" anyway!
226
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That's two anyways! I certainly never said "anyway anyway".
227
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That's two anyways! I certainly never said "anyway anyway" anyway!
228
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How would you like it if I started copying you?
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How would you like it if I started copying you?
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- How would you like it if I copied you?
- You'd better stop copying me anyway!
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You'd better stop copying me anyway!
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Sherbet eyes!
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Sherbet eyes!
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Give me some water for my eyes!
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Ginger berbet eyes!
236
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Mr Cumber.
237
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Mr Cumber, I think you'll be very pleased with the campaign we've come up with for Cumber's Pies.
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We're certainly very excited, aren't we, Don?
239
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Mr Cumber. It's Hugh, isn't it?
240
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Hugh Cumber. Yes.
241
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Hugh, we've got something very high-concept here.
242
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Our Cumber's Pies commercial is so big,
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it can't fit on one TV channel.
244
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- How do you mean?
- We broadcast simultaneously across two channels.
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00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:47,000
On one channel, the left-hand side of the advert, on the next channel, the right hand side.
246
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,680
Not just widescreen.
247
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,360
Wider than screen.
248
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,720
Hugh. This is event TV.
249
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:59,480
Families pulling together two TV sets to celebrate that Cumber's name in style.
250
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,760
I like it!
251
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,280
OK. Run up!
252
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:07,720
And action!
253
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,840
Mmmm!
254
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,240
When I think delicious pies, I think Cumber's.
255
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,400
The word itself is enough to make your mouth water.
256
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:21,640
When I see this, I know that my food has been hand-baked in the kitchen that very day.
257
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:26,880
When I see this, I know it's going to be hot, fresh and tasty. Just the way I like it.
258
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:31,920
When I look at this, I see a hundred-year tradition of quality pies.
259
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:36,960
When I look at this, I'm reminded of special days with my mammy and my granny.
260
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,680
Because they've loved Cumber's Pies all their lives too.
261
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:44,400
And this is what I want to come home to at the end of the day.
262
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,240
Those delicious pies, hot from the oven.
263
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,000
Filling my house up with that familiar smell.
264
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:54,880
That nostalgic, unforgettable smell of Cumber's Pies.
265
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:58,520
Mmmm. Getting it right up my nostrils.
266
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,280
- Filling my lungs up with it.
- Cumber's.
267
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:05,240
Keeping my family's belly full for over 100 years.
268
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,440
And cut!
269
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,800
Very good, very good.
270
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,440
Margaret! It's about to start!
271
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,000
The advert's about to start!
272
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,840
- Where's the remote for this other telly? It's about to...
- 'Mmmm!'
273
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:24,640
'The word itself is enough to make your mouth water.
274
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:30,280
'When I see this, I know it's going to be hot, fresh and tasty. Just the way I like it.
275
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:36,480
'When I look at this, I'm reminded of special days with my mammy and my granny. And this
276
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,480
'is what I want to come home to at the end of the day.
277
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:43,560
'Filling my house up with that familiar smell. Mmmm.
278
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,920
'Getting it right up my nostrils.
279
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,680
'Filling my lungs with it.
280
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:53,080
'Keeping my family's belly full for over 100 years.'
281
00:18:56,520 --> 00:19:01,080
- Is this where the speed-dating carry-on is happening, son?
- Yes, it is.
282
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,800
We're just about to get started.
283
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,600
OK, everyone, in five we're off.
284
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,160
30 seconds with each lady, so keep it snappy, gents.
285
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,560
And...here...we...go!
286
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,080
Is that my hearing aid there?
287
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,000
I think you're supposed to come to me.
288
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,680
Oh, right.
289
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,520
Pleased to meet you, hen.
290
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,320
I'm Biscuity Boyle.
291
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,120
Burnistoun's favourite son.
292
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,680
Here we go, it's started already. I'm sorry, hen.
293
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,080
- 20 seconds!
- It's fine, I..
294
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:38,760
Let me get this out for you...
295
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:45,640
I dunno why you'd be interested in me anyway, a broken-down old bastard like me.
296
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,520
I cannae get this out, hen.
297
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,320
Big fat hands like a bloated corpse, you know that way.
298
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:56,080
- Ten seconds!
- It's OK. Look, I probably won't drink it now anyway.
299
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,200
This is stuck here, hen.
300
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:07,480
Oh, I don't think this is going to work out between you and me anyway.
301
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,720
You, gorgeous, so stunning.
302
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:15,200
Me, a fat-handed waster that should get put down like a dog.
303
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,880
Shake hands and switch partners.
304
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,000
- Ah!
- Sorry, hen.
305
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,920
Oh, in the name...
306
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,040
Hi, I'm Sally.
307
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:30,120
Hi. Biscuity Boyle, Burnistoun's favourite son.
308
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:33,200
- Are you not having a seat?
- I cannae, hen.
309
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,880
I've got some right dramatic haemorrhoids coming on,
310
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:39,560
- just you talk away.
- 20 seconds!
311
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,760
I quite like an older gentleman.
312
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,360
Do you have any bad habits?
313
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:44,680
Truthfully?
314
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:50,120
I've got a bit of a problem with flatulating gas out of my back passage.
315
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:53,200
My bladder's all shot to hell.
316
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,120
It's like a burst ball that's been left on a garage roof all winter.
317
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:59,320
I should live in a budgie cage with the amount of mess I make down there.
318
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,760
To be honest with you,
319
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,880
pecking away at a mirror would be mair company than I get the now.
320
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,440
Aw.
321
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,360
- I'm sorry, hen. Are you all right?
- It's fine.
322
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:16,040
Oh, no, no, no. Let me get that.
323
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,800
No, that's my...my spare teeth.
324
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,360
- I'm sorry, hen.
- Ten seconds!
325
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:28,000
- Let me...
- It's dirty! - What am I like?
326
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:33,480
Trying to clean a young lassie's lovely face with a manky hanky.
327
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:37,120
I'm a joke. Here, let me use this.
328
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,800
It's fine, just go.
329
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:44,320
I'm sorry, hen. They should just stick me in a coffin, so they should.
330
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,400
Next partners, please!
331
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,600
Oh, in the name of the wee man.
332
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:55,600
PFFRT!
333
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:59,600
Did you catch that I let one off right on your dish there?
334
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,480
Oh, hen.
335
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,760
Your lovely wee face ruined.
336
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:06,680
I used to be an athlete.
337
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,480
I suppose I should put this fire out.
338
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,440
It's me that should be set on fire! I should be bloody cremated.
339
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,000
It gets me every time.
340
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,400
I never used to be like this, hen.
341
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,360
I used to be desirable.
342
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,240
I used to actually like myself.
343
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,000
Oh, don't stop. Just keep going, son.
344
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,680
Just bloody drown me, just bloody well drown me.
345
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:47,240
Show me some mercy. Show me some mercy.
346
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,920
Have you recently lost a loved one?
347
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:07,000
Are you having difficulty deciding whether to opt for a burial or a cremation?
348
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,680
- Bury him!
- Burn him! - Bury him!
349
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:16,080
If you simply can't make a decision on this, then why not choose
350
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:21,640
a half-and-half funeral from Herman Nichol's Funeral Directors?
351
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,520
Half-cremation, half-burial.
352
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:28,080
The best of both worlds.
353
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,320
Half-and-half.
354
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,440
It's not just for pizza.
355
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:43,840
I'm very impressed by your work in my very impressive company, Barry.
356
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,680
- You'll go far with us.
- Thanks, sir.
357
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:52,880
- I hope so.
- I like a boy with a bit of fire in his belly. Here, I've got a cracker of a joke for you.
358
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:57,160
There's this cannibal and he walks into a bookie's, and he's got a goldfish under...
359
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:58,560
'Oh, God, not a joke.
360
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,600
'Everybody says his jokes are rotten.
361
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,640
'I'm the world's worst at pretending I think a joke is funny.
362
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,400
'Right, build up to a laugh.
363
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,200
'Act like you're enjoying it.
364
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,760
'Smile, for Christ's sake!'
365
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,480
Are you all right, Barry?
366
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:17,040
Just a wee bit of heartburn, there.
367
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,760
You better watch your pen doesn't go on fire!
368
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:23,880
'Shit! That was a wee joke.
369
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,840
'Do a wee practice laugh here.'
370
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,280
HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE
371
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,720
'Worst laugh ever.
372
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:35,880
'You cannot let him get to the end of this joke. Say you've heard it.'
373
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:37,160
I've heard it!
374
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:42,760
I've heard it.
375
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,120
Oh, you've heard that one?
376
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:46,680
What about this one? There's this Irish fella...
377
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:49,680
'Oh, God. No. This is the back-up joke.
378
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,560
'This is going to be even worse.
379
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:53,160
'Need to think of something.
380
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,040
'Cannae just say I've heard it again.'
381
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:56,560
I've heard it!
382
00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:00,200
You've heard that one too.
383
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,080
Well, try this one on, then.
384
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,880
There's this fella, he buys a speedboat, right?
385
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,760
And the speedboat's full of crabs that are dressed as nuns...
386
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,640
'Right. You've reached the maximum with the I've-heard-its.'
387
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,160
I've heard it!
388
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:16,600
'What are you doing? This is now worse than a bad fake laugh.'
389
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,520
You've certainly heard a lot of jokes, Barry.
390
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,800
It's just working in an office, you know?
391
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,200
Oh, I bet you've not heard this one.
392
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,680
This wee fella, right, this parrot, right, he's on a pogo stick...
393
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,440
'Don't say you've heard it! Don't say you've heard it!'
394
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,960
I've heard it!
395
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,760
There's these two antelopes...
396
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,640
- I've heard it.
- There's this pharaoh...
397
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:42,320
- I've heard it.
- There's an Irish swan... - I've heard it.
398
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,400
- There's a...
- I've heard it.
399
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,760
Aaaaaah!
400
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,600
Did Tony O'Hare put you up to this?
401
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:57,880
'Nod.'
402
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,840
I knew it. I knew this would be a wind-up.
403
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,520
Right, OK. You're lucky I've got a sense of humour, son.
404
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,800
Let's go back to that original joke.
405
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,720
'Fake a heart attack.'
406
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,960
Oh! Ohhh!
407
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:17,520
Son.
408
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,760
No, no. No, no!
409
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,040
No. Son, stay with me.
410
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:24,640
- 'It worked.'
- Stay with me. And I'll tell you the rest of this joke.
411
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:28,920
'Pretend to die. Pretend to actually die. It's the only way.'
412
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:38,920
No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
413
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,320
All I lived for was to make this boy laugh.
414
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,440
'Too late - I'm deid!'
415
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:49,080
I've actually got a joke just for occasions like this.
416
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:54,200
- There's a crisp and a nut...
- I've heard it!
417
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,920
Here, I need a chat-up line.
418
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,080
Quick.
419
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,400
Just whisper that in her ear.
420
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:22,240
All right?
421
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:25,000
All right.
422
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,320
Hey, Danny, what did you tell him to say?
423
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:48,000
Billy! Why are you winching my brother? What did he say?
424
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,680
Hey, what was that all about?
425
00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:00,000
I've never seen you kiss like that before.
426
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,520
What did he say?
427
00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:25,520
You want to know what's written on that card, don't you?
428
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:42,360
Here, you! You're barred!
429
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,640
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
430
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:57,200
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
431
00:28:57,250 --> 00:29:01,800
Repair and Synchronization by
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