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1
00:00:00,938 --> 00:00:06,238
2
00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:18,085
Just in for ma rolls.
3
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:19,764
Oh, nae rolls the day.
4
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:22,844
But I wanted a roll and sausage.
5
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,844
I went and bought sausages.
Want a roll.
6
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,809
Nae rolls.
7
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:29,006
What d'ye mean, nae rolls?
8
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:33,404
I mean there's nae rolls
the day, mate. Nae rolls.
9
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:36,609
When's the rolls guy
coming in wi' the rolls?
10
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:40,002
The rolls guy's no' coming, mate.
The rolls guy's no' bringing any rolls.
11
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,286
Nae rolls.
12
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,091
But I've went and bought sausages.
13
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:47,562
I'm sorry you've bought sausages,
mate, right? Nae rolls.
14
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,324
Have ye no' even got wan roll?
15
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,402
I've got nae rolls.
16
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,610
But I wanted a roll and sausage.
17
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,411
Well, mebbe you should have checked
if there was rolls first,
18
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:03,202
right, cos there's always sausages, but
sometimes there's nae rolls and today,
19
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,568
on this day, on this day today,
today at this moment,
20
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:11,248
at this moment, as we're staunin' here
the noo, mate, there's nae rolls.
21
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,284
Any rolls frae yesterday?
22
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,522
Nae rolls.
23
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,841
Any saft rolls?
24
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,208
Nae hard rolls, nae saft rolls,
nae well-fired rolls,
25
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,282
nae seeded buns, mate, nae rolls.
26
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,882
Are sausages like hot dogs?
27
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,007
What?!
28
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:31,889
Are sausages like hot dogs?
29
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,564
No' reall...
30
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,369
Aye, kinda.
31
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,530
- Any hot dog rolls?
- There's nae rolls.
32
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,001
Right? Hear me as I say
this, mate, right?
33
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,323
If you never hear one mair thing
in your life ever again,
34
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:53,405
there are nae rolls in this building
the day. Nae rolls.
35
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,882
- Nae rolls?
- Nae rolls.
36
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,566
See the thing is, right,
37
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,165
I wanted a roll and sausage.
38
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:02,730
There's breid.
39
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,609
Have a piece and sausage.
40
00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,729
I don't want a piece and sausage.
I want a roll and sausage.
41
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:11,600
- But there's nae rolls, mate.
- Have ye no' even got wan roll?
42
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,281
Even one of thae packets of rolls
would dae.
43
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:20,691
Mate, there's nae rolls!
44
00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,331
There's nae rolls! If there was rolls,
45
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,609
I would sell you the lot of them, mate.
I would make that roll and sausage masel,
46
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,250
but there's nae rolls.
47
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,322
Do you hear me, mate? Nae rolls!
48
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,290
Aye, all right. I was just askin'.
49
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:39,845
Nae rolls, mate!
50
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,403
Still nae rolls!
51
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,928
- Can I help you?
- Any rolls the day?
52
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,810
Aye, hunners o' them.
53
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:00,006
C'mon, I'll take ye ower to them.
54
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,766
A donation of as little
as one pound a month
55
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,525
could be invaluable
to the hospice and...
56
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,251
Listen, mate, I'm really sorry
for interrupting you,
57
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,449
but I'm just aboot to head oot the door
and I really don't have time tae...
58
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,488
Is there anybody else I can talk to?
59
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,042
No, no, no, it's just me that's in
just now, and I'm aboot to shoot.
60
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,249
Oh, OK, OK. Should I come back later?
61
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,847
Aye, aye, aye, sure. Come back,
I'm just in a real hurry just now.
62
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,366
OK, sir, bye-bye.
63
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:38,885
Right, bye-bye.
64
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,288
Why did you tell him to come back,
wasting the guy's time.
65
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,886
- Just say no.
- I don't like saying no.
66
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,689
So you'd rather lie about gaein' oot?
67
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:55,287
That was stupid.
Why did I say I'd rushed oot?
68
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,081
The guy's oot in the street,
he'll see I've no' rushed oot.
69
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,251
Aw, brilliant!
70
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:08,247
Look, he's sitting on the wall.
I'm gonnae have to kid on to go oot noo.
71
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,800
I'm actually gonnae have
to pretend I'm going somewhere.
72
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,928
You've nowhere to go!
73
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,929
Sorry, I shouldn't be
sitting on your wall there.
74
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,002
I was just checking the sheet here.
75
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,323
No, you're all right, mate. Listen,
sorry I couldnae talk to you there,
76
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:34,086
I had to get ready to head oot.
In a rush.
77
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:35,127
It's no bother, mate.
78
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,485
Argh!
79
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:11,447
Hello?
80
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,124
It's me. I think I've broke my ankle.
81
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,090
- What are ye talking about?
- I tripped at the corner.
82
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:17,844
You'll need to come in the motor
and get me.
83
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,524
Can ye no' get back yourself?
84
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,046
Oh, aye, that's no' gonnae look suss
to the guy, is it?
85
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,724
Me limpin' back two seconds later.
86
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,610
- Just come and get me.
- I cannae.
87
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,444
I'm not meant to be here, am I?
88
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,363
You made out
like it was just you in the hoose.
89
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,330
What's it gonnae look like
if I suddenly pop out the door?
90
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,640
Right enough, right enough.
91
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,326
I'll just need to wait it oot.
92
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:02,611
Argh!
93
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:06,480
What're you doing?!
Pal? Are you all right?
94
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,688
- Don't talk to me.
- What?
95
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:12,242
- He cannae know I'm here.
- Just...just go away.
96
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,046
- Where the bloody hell are ye?
- He's still there.
97
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,441
That's a convincing amount of time
to have been out for.
98
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,010
But if he's still there
when I come back,
99
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,481
he's gonnae want to talk to me
aboot his bloody charity, in't he?
100
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,281
It's dark noo, and I cannae
put any lights or a telly on.
101
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,930
You've been away for four hours.
102
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:37,209
Four hours? Four hours!
103
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:44,126
Four hours, sittin' waitin'
ootside ma hoose for four hours?
104
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,170
Look at me.
Look what you've done to me.
105
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,127
You're deid.
106
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,004
Bloody typical.
107
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,441
That's what I get.
108
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:05,965
That's what I get!
109
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,162
Hiya, ma name's Kelly McGlade.
110
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,368
My girl band's got a gig the night.
111
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,329
So I'd better go and pick up
112
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,448
these two wee manky skeletons
that staun behind me.
113
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,483
Well, this is us, ma band,
God help me.
114
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,608
We used to be called
the Snide Rides
115
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,490
and then we changed it to the
Sizzlechests and then it was, em...
116
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,130
Then it was the Sweaty Betties.
117
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,090
Aye, then it was the Mingers,
then it was the Do Your Dingers,
118
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,845
then it was Romantic Cellulite
and then it was, er...
119
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,081
Stupid Bastarts.
120
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,960
Aye, and then the Sex Cows
and then it was the Helfy Howlers,
121
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,929
then it was the...Six Tits.
122
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,571
Then we finally settled on
what we are just noo,
123
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,608
Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds.
124
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,126
- We'd better get moving, Kelly.
- Aye, true.
125
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:59,730
Erm, this next song's
a bit of a political song.
126
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,724
It's aboot how the judges
and the courts treat your boyfriend
127
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,723
when all he's done is chinned a guy
128
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,041
for posting a shite
through his granny's letter box.
129
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,691
- I mean, that's disgusting.
- Here!
130
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:13,970
It was your boyfriend
that posted that excreta hissel, hen.
131
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,408
Excreta? Excuse me?
132
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,289
The shite.
133
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:24,321
Your boyfriend posted it hissel as an
excuse so he could leather Tommo.
134
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,004
He was boasting aboot it down here.
135
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,844
You sayin' my ex lies to me?
136
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,969
I'm sayin' the truth
of the behaviours of men is sometimes
137
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:35,045
better left outside the sphere
of female knowledge, hen. Is all.
138
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,088
The sphere of female knowledge?
139
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,606
Maybe I should come ower
and clatter this ankle boot
140
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,286
against your spheres of male ballage.
141
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,771
Just sing your song, hen.
142
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,490
D'ye think we're performing monkeys
or somethin'?!
143
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,403
- Just leave it, Kelly.
- Naw, naw, naw.
144
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,609
Listen, I bet the last time
a woman did what you telt her
145
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,284
was when you asked your maw
146
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,011
to go and hide your da's falsers before
he gave you a gobble this morning.
147
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,686
Don't you talk about ma maw,
ya wee hairy.
148
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,250
Excuse me?
149
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:04,884
These two might be hairies,
but I'm no'. I've got dreams.
150
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,769
I'm gonnae make it oot o' here,
151
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,490
just like you're gonnae make it
oot o' here.
152
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,881
- Me?
- Aye.
153
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,964
In an ambulance.
154
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,169
- Ohhhhh...
- Somebody go and pick him up.
155
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,607
He sounds like one of ma da's
Scott Walker albums.
156
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:33,724
Now, Mr Glover,
in all my years as a sperm banker,
157
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:38,886
I've never come across anyone
who's contributed as much sperm as you.
158
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,450
On our Spermometer,
you've chalked up
159
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:44,923
over 16,000 gallons
of grade A glug-a-glug.
160
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,490
Nae bother.
161
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:49,643
Just gie's a bucket, I'll knock a
few out while we're sitting here.
162
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,485
We've not actually called you in
for that reason, Mr Glover.
163
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:55,484
We have a...confession to make.
164
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,403
What's that?
165
00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,086
A few years ago,
we had a problem with the freezers,
166
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,322
and all of our samples were destroyed.
167
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,448
All, that is, apart from yours.
168
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,091
So for a while there,
we were using your sperm
169
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,561
exclusively on all of our clients.
170
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:13,531
I'm no' fussy, mate.
You seen some of the things I've nipped?
171
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,125
How many weans have I got?
172
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:19,285
My wee pal Scott's got ten weans
frae ten different women.
173
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,442
If I beat him, I'll be quite happy.
174
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,648
It's a little bit higher than that.
175
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,768
- How many?
- You have to understand...
176
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,365
How many?
177
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,442
Six thousand.
178
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,244
Six...thousand?
179
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,085
Well, you do make a deposit here
five or six times a day.
180
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,447
It's a lot of sperm to go around.
181
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,488
I just thought
it would be worth mentioning.
182
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:46,690
Really? You thought it might be worth
mentioning that I've got 6,000 weans?
183
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,890
Yes. You know, what with
the recent changes in Burnistoun law,
184
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:55,807
you're now financially responsible
for each of those 6,000 children.
185
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,770
Mate, I'm no' even
financially responsible for masel.
186
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,844
Why d'ye think I'm comin' in here
chugging for ma chip money?
187
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,569
How much money
am I gonnae have to fork oot here?
188
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,244
At a rough estimate,
189
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:13,360
I'd imagine you'd be expected
to pay around �300,000 a week.
190
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:20,164
And then there's the back payments,
which would total...�90 million.
191
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,527
�90 million.
192
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,090
Do they take Provy cheques?
193
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,925
I've no idea what they are.
194
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,482
Let's move on
to the more serious matter now.
195
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,289
That wasnae the serious matter?
196
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,523
No. We also sold your sperm
to some scientists
197
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,410
who were involved in stem cell research,
198
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:42,007
one of whom was a mad scientist
who used it to create
199
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,686
a half-human, half-plant hybrid.
200
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,287
I'm no' paying out child support money
for a plant monster.
201
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,408
No, it's not actually the money
they're after.
202
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,804
You see, the mad scientist
recently passed away,
203
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:59,363
so that half-plant, half-human
monster experiment
204
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,205
is now legally your dependant.
205
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:05,329
- Wha'?
- Mr Glover...
206
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,166
please let me introduce
your beautiful son...
207
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,607
Project X54.
208
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,165
Get aff us, ya freak!
209
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:20,131
Check the state of ye.
I bet ye've got greenfly.
210
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,602
- Who's this?
- Project X54,
211
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,409
say hello to your father.
212
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,367
This is my da?
213
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,242
Here's to you, boys.
214
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,001
That's milk!
215
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,929
Coming soon to BBC Burnistoun.
216
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,731
It just disnae make sense.
217
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:48,203
The only way that this bastard
could have committed these murders
218
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:52,524
is if he had inside knowledge
of police procedure.
219
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,888
Oh, for Christ's sake,
it's no' wan of us again, is it?
220
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,042
How many times can a serial killer
221
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,964
turn oot to be wan o' the polis
in the big twist?
222
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,849
Who was it? Come on.
223
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,688
You...killed all of them?
224
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,445
Away and put yersel in a cell by yersel.
225
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,329
Go on.
226
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,764
The minute the gaffer said this
investigation would be startin'
227
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,968
on a Sunday and conclude
on the following Friday,
228
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:22,169
I should have known
it'd be one of us. It always is.
229
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,526
Why are you covered in blood?
230
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,523
- Um...
- I'm tired of this.
231
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,682
Away and find
a cell wi' your mate, go on.
232
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,967
But I've only killed two guys.
233
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,771
And only to get revenge for something
that happened in a flashback.
234
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,330
I don't care. Cell!
235
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,646
Anybody else killed anybody?
236
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,643
I want the truth!
237
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,044
See ma wee, deaf, wheelchair-bound wife?
238
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,600
She's tired of me
comin' hame at night and...
239
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,168
staring oot the windae
240
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,447
wi' a dark expression on ma face.
241
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,531
Nae mair twists.
242
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:04,607
Good.
243
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,088
Aye, never saw that wan comin', did ye?
244
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,528
Aye, ye did, exactly.
Load of shite.
245
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:17,931
Load of shite.
246
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,490
Which one of the police
is it this time?
247
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:31,171
What do you want,
beautiful, elegant lady?
248
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,765
Um, can I have an Aero?
249
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,811
Of course you can. I would love
to give you an Aero chocolate bar,
250
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:38,291
that's my favourite chocolate, anyway,
251
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,170
but I'd love to give you a taste too,
anyway, you beautiful creature.
252
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,810
Right.
253
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,450
- That's 50 pence.
- Where's your brother today?
254
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,124
He's having a day off today, anyway,
255
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,965
he works too hard so I'm doing it
all by myself today, anyway.
256
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,371
OK.
257
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,206
I'll get your change.
258
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,011
Psssst, doon here.
259
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,650
God, are you all right?
260
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:12,122
Of course I'm no' bloody all right.
My brother's tied me up.
261
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,406
Untie me.
262
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,211
- What you looking at, anyway?
- Nothing.
263
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,247
Look at my stupid,
rubbish, idiot brother.
264
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,721
He's all tied up.
He can't even escape, anyway.
265
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,564
You've gone too far this time, Walter.
266
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,325
- Do you want me to untie him?
- Yes!
267
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,324
No, don't untie him.
He's just practising
268
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,687
his party piece, anyway -
he's an escape man, anyway.
269
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,649
I am bloody not an escape man.
270
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,404
You are an escape man!
271
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,448
I should probably untie him.
272
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,682
Just shut up and eat your chocolate,
you ugly pig.
273
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,330
Walter,
274
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,371
what have I told you about speaking
to our ugly customers like that?
275
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:51,364
Shut up, escape man.
You can't even break oot o' some rope.
276
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:55,809
I'm so strong I can break oot of a crisp.
Well, a corn snack,
277
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,609
maybe not a tottie crisp, but...
278
00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,842
Hey, come back with my chocolate,
279
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,490
- you smelly article.
- I bought it.
280
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,209
Walter, will you let me
back inside the van, please?
281
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:19,610
What do you say, anyway?
282
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,250
Please.
283
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,891
What's the password, anyway?
284
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,166
The password is...
285
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:28,482
Mammy loves Walter the best.
286
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:33,084
OK, you can come back inside.
287
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,004
Thank you. You know I love you, Walter.
288
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,687
I know, anyway. I'll reel you in.
289
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:42,247
You'll what?
290
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,130
Walter!
291
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:52,728
Come on!
Oh, I've got a big wan now, anyway.
292
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,368
All right, Sawney boy?
293
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,841
- Just the usual?
- Nah. Surprise me.
294
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,161
Surprise ye?
295
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,642
- I'll get ye a pint.
- Och, no. I'm sick of pints.
296
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:09,008
Pint, pint, pint, pint. Surprise me.
297
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:12,527
- I'll get you a pint.
- I don't want a pint.
298
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,250
But you like pints.
299
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,369
That's the thing.
I don't even really like pints.
300
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,851
But you're always drinking pints.
301
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,809
But that's society, though, in't it?
302
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,089
I mean, that's just you been conditioned
into asking for
303
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,083
what a guy like me asks for in a pub.
304
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,243
A pint. Well, nae mair. Surprise me.
305
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:33,405
You want me to shite in a glass and gie ye that?
Is that surprise enough for you?
306
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,848
Just gie me something...exotic.
307
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:45,446
Well, I don't even know
what hauf these things are.
308
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,727
What's that one? I'll try that.
309
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,245
Gin.
310
00:17:58,440 --> 00:17:59,521
Gie it a shake.
311
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:05,407
What if I try...?
312
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,926
You've got me.
All right, you've got me.
313
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,128
I don't know how to
pour any other drinks.
314
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,770
I've been in this pub that long
315
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,002
the only thing I know how to pour
is pints, right?
316
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,482
I don't know what measures to use,
I don't know what goes with what.
317
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:22,441
I'm no' very well educated, am I, huh?
Big man in campus wi' your gin.
318
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,764
Listen, you drink in ma pub,
you drink pints, all right?
319
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,281
I've just won myself a holiday, boys.
320
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,442
I think I'll celebrate
wi' a wee pi�a colada.
321
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:02,161
If you're gonnae be working
for the Burnistoun Herald, son,
322
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,447
you need to know
what we're all aboot.
323
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:08,411
Other newspapers promise you
tomorrow's news today.
324
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:13,202
But our motto
is tomorrow's news yesterday.
325
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,806
Tomorrow's news yesterday.
326
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,566
Yes. And today is Wednesday,
so that means we're printing...
327
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,244
Thursday's news.
328
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,890
No, no.
329
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,123
Tomorrow's news, yes, but yesterday.
330
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,010
Wednesday... Thurs... Friday's news!
331
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,367
Yes.
332
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,930
Get out!
333
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,924
Max, get in here.
334
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,125
What have you got for me, son?
335
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:44,568
Burnistoun United manager Davie Soylent,
he's been caught having an affair.
336
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,608
I like it. When did this happen?
337
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:48,569
- Today.
- Today?
338
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,290
What's this newspaper's motto?
339
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:52,362
Tomorrow's news yesterday.
340
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,842
Did I say today?
I meant to say it happened tomorrow.
341
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,925
Tomorrow's news yesterday, Max,
no' tomorrow's news today.
342
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,126
I mean, it's Friday's news,
343
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,363
because if you print it tomorrow,
then tomorrow's tomorrow is Friday.
344
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,010
As it should be, yes.
345
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,563
Which means the story broke
on tomorrow's yesterday, which is...
346
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:11,607
today.
347
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,682
- So it's today's news.
- Yes.
348
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,683
Then it should have been printed
on Monday.
349
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,604
Somebody should have been sitting here
on Monday morning saying,
350
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:23,049
"Wonderful, this is tomorrow's news,
and I read it yesterday."
351
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,249
No, no, that's no' right either,
because if he says on Monday
352
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,449
that he read it yesterday,
that means that he read it on Sunday.
353
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,364
But... I...
354
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,967
I don't even understand ma ain motto
noo because of you pair.
355
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,726
Haud on, I'll get Julie in here -
she's much like masel,
356
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,609
a good man for details.
357
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,205
Julie, could you step in here, please?
358
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:48,366
Julie, what the hell
does tomorrow's news yesterday mean?
359
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,683
It means we print tomorrow's news
yesterday.
360
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,651
See? Simple. Tomorrow's news,
Thursday's news,
361
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,563
yesterday, on Tuesday.
362
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:58,641
That's it.
363
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,724
So what are we supposed
to be working on just now?
364
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,041
Well...
365
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,884
Oh, I...
366
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,923
Right, right, picture this.
367
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,288
Right, our reader's sitting there
on a Tuesday morning
368
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:14,283
reading Thursday's news. Right?
369
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,967
And he's smiling a big satisfied grin
and he's saying to hissel,
370
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:23,809
"Good old Burnistoun Herald allowing
me to me read tomorrow's news yesterday."
371
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,043
No! That would mean
he'd have read the news on a Monday.
372
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,964
What in God's name's happening here?
373
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:34,045
Look, it's simple. We always print
tomorrow's news yesterday.
374
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:37,567
When tomorrow's news comes,
we've already printed it one day ago.
375
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,406
So, we're printing newspapers
people have already read already?
376
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:43,528
- Nae wonder naebody's buying them.
- Naw.
377
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,285
Look, Davie Soylent has an affair.
378
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,203
The news breaks on the Wednesday.
379
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,090
But we've already printed that
on the Monday.
380
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,764
So what do I dae wi' this story?
381
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,923
You heard the boy. Print it
on Monday just past's newspaper.
382
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,684
But how do I dae that?
383
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,888
Don't ask me. You're the writer.
384
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,123
Sorry, that's ma mobile.
385
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,565
Sorry about that.
386
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:14,411
Where was I?
387
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:25,451
Aye?
388
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:29,570
I hear you've been doin' your
Bob-a-Job through flairs 11 to 22.
389
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,130
What aboot it?
390
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,522
I guess you're new round here.
391
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,206
I dae the Bob-a-Job
through flairs 10 up.
392
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:39,760
No' any mair.
393
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:47,970
If I hear of you moppin' the landing
outside Mrs Muir's hoose again,
394
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,123
I'll mop the landing outside your hoose.
395
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,851
You widnae have the baws on ye.
396
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,963
And you think I'm gonnae gie you a bob
for this job?!
397
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,283
You think I'm no' gonnae be
doon moppin' your landing?
398
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:09,964
I already mopped it.
399
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,005
Then I'll Hoover your carpets...
400
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,167
and I'll dust your blinds
401
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:21,484
and I'll sew the button
back on yer duffel coat,
402
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,404
and yer maw'll love it.
403
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,529
Don't talk that filth about ma maw.
404
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,126
I'm the only wan that Bob-a-Jobs ma maw.
405
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,167
McGrief!
406
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:34,967
Tina.
407
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:40,126
You let a McGrief
do a Job for a Bob on our landing?
408
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,409
I wasnae gonnae gie him a bob.
409
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,721
That Boy Scout
was gonnae do what he was telt.
410
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,928
And I'm telling you.
411
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,047
What?!
412
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:53,603
Maybe I'll go doon and Bob-a-Job
your whole landing for ye?
413
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,207
Maybe I'll iron yer da's shirts.
414
00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:01,524
My da' disnae even agree
wi' lassies being in the Scouts.
415
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,524
Think he's gonnae let you
go Bob-a-Job on his shirts?!
416
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:05,567
Aye.
417
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,927
What are these, then?
418
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,128
I've already ironed them.
419
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,567
Yer da' says ye didnae dae it right.
420
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:19,168
But then he never, ever gave you
that ironing badge, did he?
421
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,323
How much did he pay you
to Bob-a-Job his shirts?
422
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,243
A bob.
423
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,488
He only paid me hauf a bob.
424
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,762
Oh, I'm finished wi' the Scouts.
425
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,320
But I'm no finished wi' yous two.
426
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,246
? You, you work all night
427
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:06,085
And when you're working
You feel all right
428
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,926
And when
When things stop feeling all right
429
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,207
And everything is all right
430
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:15,409
? Cos we will never
listen to your rules
431
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,290
- No!
- We will never do as others do
432
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:19,930
- No!- Know what we want
433
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,001
And we get it from you
434
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,050
Do what we like
And we like what we do
435
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:27,249
- So let's get a party going- Let's get a party going
436
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,926
? Now it's time to party
And we'll party hard
437
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,209
- Let's get a party going- Let's get a party going
438
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,284
? When it's time to party
We will always party hard
439
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,169
? Party hard
Party hard
440
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:39,730
? Party hard, party hard
441
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,211
? Party hard
Party hard
442
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:42,645
? Party hard, party hard
443
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,484
? Party hard
Party hard
444
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,164
? Party hard, party hard
445
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,083
? Party, party, party hard
446
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,730
? Party hard!
447
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:14,685
All right!
448
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:25,451
There are no two ways
to tell you this, Mr Kelly.
449
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,490
I'm afraid that your
illness is terminal.
450
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:31,121
Actually,
451
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:34,727
there are two ways I could have told you.
I could have told you over the phone.
452
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,245
That would be a second way.
453
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:41,042
- You could have sent me a letter.
- True. True. That's three. Er, e-mail?
454
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,441
Aye, aye, that's, er, that's four.
455
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,568
- Um...
- Um...
456
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,165
You could have hired one of these
457
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,210
aeroplanes with a banner thing
on the back of them.
458
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,520
"You're dying."
459
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,841
That's five. Or even a smoke trail.
460
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:55,809
A smoke trail would have been cool.
461
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:59,521
That's six. Just let me grab
a note pad here and I'll, er...
462
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,126
- Er...
- What else?
463
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,647
There's your salt and vinegar crisps.
464
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:06,687
Ta.
465
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:10,851
Got any...medicinals?
466
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,482
- Just your usual?
- Aye.
467
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:21,327
Got any mair?
468
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:23,289
Naw, that's all I've got the noo,
actually.
469
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:26,370
Do you want the plant?
470
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,044
Aye.
471
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,051
And maybe something a wee bit stronger.
472
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,724
Cocaine?
473
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:43,044
Aye. Gie's, er...11 kilos.
474
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:56,970
You're gonnae need something
to guard all that stuff wi', mate.
475
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:58,280
Aye.
476
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,207
- Kalashnikov?
- Aye, gie's that.
477
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,884
I've got some poppy seeds as well,
if you want to get into the opium.
478
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,530
Aye, I've got some o' them.
479
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,446
But I've no really got the expertise
to cultivate a poppy field.
480
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,568
Aye. Er...
481
00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:26,243
- An Afghan poppy farmer?
- Aye.
482
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,047
- How much is that?
- Er...
483
00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,930
678,335 quid, mate.
484
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,048
Right. D'ye take gingies?
485
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:42,326
Oh, aye, of course, aye.
486
00:28:50,303 --> 00:28:55,603
487
00:28:55,653 --> 00:29:00,203
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