Original subtitles

♪

And our commerce site is almost live.

Birdgirl: Why didn't we think of this earlier?

Oh, right. We didn't have the Internet.

A product's about to drop.

[ Clicking, buzzer ]

Wait.

We just sold 500 boxes of old office supplies

at 24 bucks a pop?

We like to think of it more as

a consumer-defined vintage-organization experience.

Uh, but yeah.

How much markup is that?

700%.

Uh... [ Clears throat ]

[ Keys clacking ]

24.

[ Clears throat ] Okay.

It's a, uh, 700% markup.

Alright.[ Tape rips ]

70%?!

Uh, is that the... the decimal?

Another drop coming.

[ Clicking, buzzer ]

When these two suggested we use all this

old, unsold Sebben & Sebben stuff and market it

as curated experiences, I thought they were high.

- We were. - We were.

They were high, but even impaired,

they found a way to make an old company sort of relevant again.

They did it. You all did it, even Paul.

- He did it. - Whoa! Gah!

We did it, you guys.

I know it's cheesy, but we're a team. I'll say it.

We're a team of heroes who saved the company

and sometimes save...

Jude?

Fuke?...the world.

You guys are heroes.

You make me feel whole. And as a token of appreciation,

I've had a costume made for each of you.

[ Creaking ]

Halloween?

Mm, Bird Team. Ugh!

Ooh, mama.

A Eurocup thigh hole, fortified junk pouch.

It is like you crawled inside my brain.

It is super body-positive, so that's something.

[ Gasps ] You don't like it?

None of you like the costumes!

[ Hanger rattles ]

I do. [Bleep] them. Right, Judy?

Jude, you know how you're the boss

and we work for you, even though our name's not on the company?

[ Chuckles ] It's the same with Bird Team,

except we don't get paid, and it's kind of a... the...

Pain in the ass.

We're happy to back you up,

but "team" might be overstating it.

[ Scoffs ] What would you call it?

A good hang.

It's a good hang, until someone texts "You up?"

[ Chair creaks ]

[ Buzzer, door opens, creaks ]

That's new.

Uh, what do the other buttons do?

Just go.

[ Door closes ]

[ Hisses ]

You're on your own, Jude.

♪ Hey! Birdgirl: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Woman: [ Rapping ] ♪ Who is the girl that saves the world? ♪

♪ Hey! Hey!

[ Imitates fanfare ] Birdgirl!

I'll do everything in my power

to make this right, sir. What's that?

[ Gasps ] I am somebody's daughter, you pig.

[ Screams ]

Gil, I'm feeling a little empty,

like there's a pit in my stomach.

Want to grab a bagel to fill the pit?

I'd like nothing more than to fill your pit, but I can't.

You can't. Right, right, right.

I know it's last-minute.

It's the experience boxes.

There are some [chuckles] minor-ish problems.

[ Telephone ringing ] Hold, please. Hold, please. Hold, please. Go away!

It turns out stuff is disappearing.

[ Stapler rattles, warbles ]

It's been happening all morning.

[ Tape rattles, warbles ] Huh.

[ Calculator rattles, warbles ] Okay.

Well, good luck with that.[ Chair rattles, warbles ]

I'd love to go on my lunch break!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Telephones ringing ]

The company's going down in flames.

Perhaps you'd like to hear why. I'm talking over here.

[ Shouting stops ]

1997, we designed a phone, and it was good.

Problem was, it didn't have enough heft.

An office phone needs heft.

Should be hard to lift because you're at work,

and it should feel like work when you use it.

When you hang it up hard, you want the person

on the other end to feel you hang up in their stomach.

And when you throw it across the room at someone

to underline a point, that person should feel it!

Our engineers spent months trying to crack it.

Nothing until one day, your dad made a discovery...

[ Pickax clinks ]

[ Rattling ]

[ Eerie music plays ]

A deposit of a mysterious mineral.

It wasn't pretty, but it was one thing,

and it was a lot of that thing.

It was heavy.

So this clever bastard in engineering

had the notion to make the phones out of this stuff.

But it didn't just add heft.

It made everything feel better.

We called it Baltimo.

We put the stuff into every single product

Sebben & Sebben produced.

So, I don't understand

how a mineral makes products disappear.

Um, Baltimo has a half-life.

We've known for years,

but the half-life was well beyond

the projected end of the world.

Which was when?

2015, of course,

when the world ended.

That's a gripping story,

but what am I supposed to do about it?

Since it's only in stuff in the curated boxes,

if you just approve refunds, the problem's solved.

I'm sorry. What's the Baltimo Project?

I'm shocked your dad never told you.

Everything in Sebben Town... [ Gurgles ]

I want a personal briefing on the Baltimo Project

in my office, you understand?

But first, I have to deliver a letter.

Meredith: Your refund's being processed.[ Telephone ringing ]

Yes, your refund's being processed.

Aah! Hey, buddy. What's this?

Read the envelope.

"To be opened 25 years following the event of my death."

[ Envelope rips ] Hey!

"Dear Meredith, I am dead now

and but a distant memory, if you remember me at all.

We were friends once, or at least I was."

Alright. Stop being a weirdo.

If the Bird Team is that important to you,

we'll just keep doing it.

To me, the Bird Team is more than...

well, it's all in the letter.

Just know that the words "bird" or "team"

will never cross my lips again.

Really?[ Telephone ringing ]

Ugh. Can we talk about this later?

Sure. No problem.

Oh, at the bottom is the playlist for my memorial.

Yes, your refund's being processed.

[ Groaning ] Yes, your refund's being processed.

[ Keys clacking ]

[ Computer beeps ]

Gillian, I forgot my password again.

Gillian!

You shouldn't have stuck your nose in.

It's done.

She's so pretty when she's sleeping...

and when she is awake, too.

[ Engine whirring, buttons clicking ]

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

Okay, I'm bored.

I got an idea.

Birdgirl: [ Groaning ]

[ Machinery whirring ]

The stomach issues you've been having

the past couple of days, it's from Baltimo.

You were the first human to ingest it.

The Baltimo Project.

Nah. That's something else.

Ow! [ Groans ][ Machinery whirring ]

You found a jar of it on your dad's desk,

and you used to put every goddamn thing in your mouth.

Whoa. Oh, oh!

Who-o-o-o-o-a!

Then it occurred to your dad if it makes everything better,

why not a daughter?

Soon it was sprinkled on your cereal,

stuffed in your animals.

The guy you went to the prom with,

100% Baltimo.

Colin was Baltimo?

Now it's disappearing and leaving holes in you,

and not just metaphorical ones.

You're on your own, Jude.

Actually, you're not.

We built an entire test town made of Baltimo

next to the mine... Sebben Town.

The Baltimo Project.

Way off the beaten path, woodsy.

And you signed the order to sell it

so we don't get sued before it disintegrates

around all 462 of them.[ Groans ]

But they'll be okay.

I sent them a bundt cake from Kohler's.

I brought you here to save your life.

You might have led with this, given everything in a town

with my name on it is disintegrating.

Roofie hankie!

You know, I'm thinking we should play honest assessment.

What's that?

I look at the real you and say the most awful,

but true things I can, and the first one to cry loses...

or wins. I forget.

The only role is it's got to be honest.

But I was raised to never say anything honest to a woman.

I'll go first. [ Clears throat ]

Your chest has 3 1/2 months' growth,

which means you last shaved when you went home for Thanksgiving.

Oh, yeah. I see that fat stomach.

You ate so much stuffing.

So you could go to the local bar,

cruise the girl you went to school with,

and bring her back to your parents' house to the attic.

Oh, yeah! Booyah! It's in the details.

Turn your head slightly.

Your dad slept with her, too.

How'd I do?

Huh. I'm gonna grab a water.

No water! Your turn.

Uh, I can't...

Okay. I'll go again. You were absolutely terrible.

No, no, no, no, no! No, no. I'll... I'll go.

Y-Your, um...

Your a-a-a-ass could be rounder for my taste.

[ Groans ] Yeah, see, that isn't one.

What? Why?

[ Scoffs ] You've got to drill into my soul

and tell me something I can't even admit to myself,

like, "Brian, nobody ever talks about your hairline."

Oops! Aah! Lose a turn, Gillian. Not true. [ Chuckles ]

Really? The Eostre cards go in this slot!

[ Stapler rattles ][ Gasps ] JonBenét!

[ Stapler rattles ]

[ Junk pouch warbles, eerie note plays ]

[ Stapler rattles, warbles ]

Okay.

[ Pencil sharpener rattles ]

[ Junk pouch warbles, eerie note plays ]

Whoa! Hey!

[ Pencil sharpener rattles, warbles ]

Whoo, my, my.

Alright, it's a sale on Eostre cards.

[ Moans ]

Where are we?

Five klicks south-southeast of Sebben Town.

Are you insane? It's disappearing.

You and my dad built a town out of Baltimo.

You're gonna help fix it.

Want to know something about your dad and me?

I promised him I'd make you a leader in his image...

sadistic, sexual, selfish, scornful, supercilious...

all the "S" words.

I get it.

Ha ha!

Take us back to the clinic, Judy.

Don't make me go feral.

Relax. I'm not gonna force you

to come with me to save hundreds of people.

There's a parachute in the bench.

Before I go, I need to tell you something...

the BM-1136 lag bolt... 87% Baltimo.

Found in copy machines, office chairs, and...

helicopter rotors.

[ Lag bolt rattles, warbles ]

[ Helicopter blades rattle, warble ]

I'm sorry, Judy.

[ Grunts ]

Next to my dad,

you're the biggest disappointment of my life!

♪

Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t!

[ Water splashes ]

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Helicopter crashes ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Rapid footsteps, door closes ]

[ Gunshot ] Aah!

Man: What do you want from us, stranger?

It's okay! I come in peace.

[ Gunfire ] Aah!

Stop, please!

I'm from Sebben & Sebben, and I'm here to save you.

Phil Ken Sebben, the founder?

Yes! I'm his daughter.

Judy?

[ Gasps ] She has returned! She has returned!

I have actually never been here,

but I do have one of those faces

people think they went on a date with.

Not you. Her.

All: She has returned. She has returned.

Holy shit.

- You're lonely. - Duh. Who isn't?

And... And you invented this game

so you could say mean things to people

just so you can project your self-loathing onto them.

I'm listening.

Uh, l-let's see.

The only reason anyone, uh, pretends to like you

is because you work for a rich, single woman

and they think there's a possibility

she'll leave everything to you.

And because you'll die alone,

they think they'll get your money.

Oh, my God. I-I'm so sorry.

Gotcha.

Yes, your refund's being processed.

No, my name's not really Vivian.

That's it, the last one.

Hi. Uh, where's Judy?

At the spa in the boonies...

Where they drug the guests

and everyone shows up unconscious.

What?

[ Keys clacking ]

[ Computer beeps, warbles ]

What are we doing here?

- Bird Team business. - God damn it!

We said we were not gonna do this! Go on.

A little about myself... I'm not much of a joiner,

but, big sigh, uh, Judy needs me... us, the Bird Team,

for an actual large-type problem.

- Yeah. I've got a thing. - I'm in.

They fed her Baltimo when she was a kid,

and now she's disappearing.

She does put every goddamn thing in her mouth.

So, where's this town?

An entire town made of Baltimo?

[ Gasps ] I may be of some help.

It all started when my foreskin...

- We don't care. - Okay.

Ooh.

♪

Yep, Birdgirl's been our patron from the start.

Wha... This is your money?

Yep. I mean, it doesn't go quite as far these days.

Says the fellow who dropped 980 Phils for his house.

So, you know Birdgirl, do you?

Yes, I do.

I'm her... representative until she gets here.

Wow! I thought you were as close as you could get,

but you've just got closer.

Well, we'll squeeze in a visit to the Baltimo mines.

It cures what ails ya.

[ Arm rattles, warbles ]

[ Eerie music plays ]

♪

[ Grunting ]

I'm getting a real strong pull.

God, we're coming for you, Juju.

[ Warbles ]

[ Calliope plays ]

So every movie features Birdgirl?

Every single one.

She's our hero. Yours too, I'd imagine.

♪

Sausage?

[ Eerie music plays ]

♪

No, thanks.

You guys eat Baltimo, don't you?

I tell you what, every day and every way,

just like Birdgirl tells us to.

[ Announcer voice ] Delicious, nutritious Baltimilk.

As Birdgirl says...

[ As Birdgirl ] It's Balterrific.

When the market for Baltimo dried up,

Birdgirl told us to eat it.

I tell you right now, that's how she kept our economy

alive and prospering...

well, that and the 91-hour work week, of course.

Yep. Kids used to go to school until Birdgirl told us

they were more valuable working the mines.

Oh, my God. She did?

[ Eerie music plays ]

♪

Yeah. When Birdgirl returns, as foretold by the prophecy,

she'll lead us to even better days.

Guys, if you're wondering why you're so tired

or missing a limb, it's Baltimo.

[ Groaning ]

[ Echoing ] Jude, Jude, wake up.

[ Gasps ]

Mer, tell the guys I'm sorry for taking them for granted.

Guys, Judy's sorry for taking you for granted.

I read your letter, all nine scrolls of it.

You got nothing to apologize for.

We're your friends.

Next time, say it and spray it, but don't write it.

[ Groaning ]

[ Warbling ]

Outsiders! Kill them! Kill the hippies!

Hippie? In this jumpsuit? Please.

Good townspeople, don't harm them.

They're my friends.

Kill her! Oh, boy.

[ Horn honks, tires screech ]

What?

You look worse since you lost weight,

I didn't lose weight.

Huh.

Your favorite color is blue.

That's all you got?

[ Dramatically ] Your favorite color... is blue.

You pay cash for things just so someone will touch you.

I do. That's true. [ Clears throat ]

You have no online presence.

I don't know what that means.

You've made zero impression on anybody, anywhere, ever.

[ Voice breaking ] I can't.

You're an awful person.

I'm an awful person. Who'd even invent this game?

You win. Is that what you want to hear? You win?

Yes, yes, it is.

- Want to play backgammon? - Sure.

Birdgirl: It started as a crazy marketing stunt

that got out of hand.

Birdgirl was just a shill for Baltimo.

But now she's a God.

I really can't believe I'm about to say this,

but, uh, we got to get the costumes.

Where is Paul?

Alright. Swing to the right. Swing to the left.

Get the costumes to the theater, stat.

On it.

[ Horns honking ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Van door opens ]

Good townspeople.

[ Heroic music plays ]

It was foretold, and it is her.

It is her, and she's here to save you.

[ Slow-clapping ]

[ Applause ]

[ Arms rattling, warbling ]

They're clapping their arms off.

I know. Can you believe it? Oh.

Oh, God. Tell them to stop clapping.

♪

Oh, God.

Not the old lady.

[ Voice breaking ] Not the old lady.

[ Warbling ]

♪

[ Whooshes ]

Evie, you're the cure.

I talk to buildings. What, I can't talk to molecules?

♪

No! The Baltimo is what's hurting you!

Use reason! Think about it!

[ Groaning ]

[ Warbling ]

Don't bother.

You guys already filled the hole in me...

the metaphorical one.

You were my team.

[ Groans ]

[ Voice breaking ] Not the old lady.

[ Warbling ]

[ Whooshing ]

♪

It's done.

[ Alarm blaring ]

Turns out it's not.

Aah! It's gonna blow!

The dam, not his [bleep]

[ Dam rumbling ][ Groaning ]

Aah! Aah!

Bird Team, go!

[ Warbling ]

♪

[ Groaning ]

[ Rumbling stops ]

It's done.

[ Rumbling ]

There are still people in the mines!

[ Scoffs ] Fine, I'll go.

♪

Hell of a golf shot.

♪

Does she scare you just a tiny bit?

Together: Who, her? Yes.

Man: Even though we weren't saved from total destruction,

thankfully, Birdgirl and her friends have generously offered

to relocate everyone while they rebuild Sebben Town

exactly as it was, but way better.

- We have? - Eh, that may have been me...

on behalf of the team.

I speak for Judy Ken Sebben

when I say it's a new day at Sebben & Sebben.

She will atone for the sins of her father

and clean up this mess...

While not admitting guilt.[ Laughs ] Whoa!

A little Baltimo's still in there, huh, Jude?

[ Rattling, creaking ]

[ Crashes ]

Welcome to the Nest.

This is just a little something I threw together

when I was a little too into us.

[ Chuckles ] Yuck, right?

I hate this height.

Woman: [ Rapping ] ♪ Who is the girl that saves the world? ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl!

♪ Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl!

♪ Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl!

♪ Ultra fierce and so unique

♪ Hey! Birdgirl!

♪ Birdgirl! Hey! Hey!

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