Original subtitles

OK, five hours to go.

Does Liam like pirates?

Of course! It was Ray's idea.

Who doesn't like pirates?

This is the child who's scared of Sooty.

Who only lasted three minutes when we went to see Pirates Of The Caribbean.

And that was just the advert for ice cream.

Just built the poop deck on me pirate ship.

Ohh! Never thought I'd get it done.

It's very impressive, Ray. I imagine you can see it from the moon.

This is amazing. Liam is gonna be made up.

I wish I'd had a birthday party like this.

Ray, what else?

Right, yeah, yeah...

You're not doing too much, are you? End up all stressed out?

Look how calm I am.

I was just saying to Ray before that I feel really, really...

Calm. We both are.

Look at me parrot cake. It's all homemade!

Can we see now?

No, can you wait till later?

Mum, isn't this great? Oh, yeah! Ray found it on eBay.

�15, plus postage from Afghanistan.

Do you know what? I've never been so organised.

Now, I wouldn't do that...

Uh-uh, sexist! I know what I'm doing.

Thank you so much for this, Mum. I don't know what I'd have done.

I've let everyone know the change of address.

It's fine but I've only agreed to do it on the proviso

that you cut back and don't go mad.

I've cancelled the performing octopus. OK?

I'm only thinking of you. And me.

I'm calm. Completely calm! Oh, yeah, I can see that!

Isn't it a shame Ray's gone to all that trouble

building that pirate ship and he's not gonna be able to use it?

Oh, no, he's brought it.

Luckily it was a flat pack so you just use it again and again.

But where's he going to put it?

There.

What about my plants?

Ray, watch me mum's plants.

They'll be fine. Isn't it great?

Oh, yeah! So glad you've brought it!

What are those?

Me oars. Got to have the oars.

What for? All for the dressing! The look.

You looking forward to this, kids?

I hate pirates.

It's all gonna end in tears.

Ray is so excited.

Oh, I know. Is this party for Liam or Ray?

You know when he was a kid, he never had a birthday party.

So it is for Ray. You know what his mum and dad are like,

they'd even put a downer on a wake.

Ohh, might be a surprise for you later!

What? You know I don't like surprises.

You'll have to wait and see. Right, what does this say?

"Sandcastles"? What was I doing with sandcastles?

"Sandwiches". I'm on top of them, what next?

Oh, Mum! I didn't want them sliced like that!

I wanted them in little triangles, like boats, not squares.

You can cut the squares cross ways.

Then they'll be too small! They're meant to be galleons, not dinghies.

Well, maybe you should have said! Or maybe you should have done them yourself.

Have we got enough bread left to start all over again? You can't be serious!

I'll get Ray to go to the shop and get some more.

Oh, Paula... It's fine, it's ages before the kids arrive.

What time are they coming?

Ray, don't put the crows' nest there!

Calm, calm...

Come on, we've all been sitting in the car.

We can't wait all day, you know. There's a party with my name on it.

I'm not feeling great. I might sit this one out.

Oh, Mand! I just feel a bit ugh.

Why don't you try, "the dog ate my homework."

You should have said you had the squits. Cos no one thinks you'd lie about it if you didn't have them.

You know how I love a birthday party.

Well, you go then! I really do feel sick. I'm not putting it on.

OK, well prove it. How?

By coming to the party.

So you're saying if I come to the party, I really am ill

and if I stay at home, I'm putting it on. Yeah.

A sort of witches' ducking stool logic?

Exactly. Well, come on.

Pirate ship's up.

That was quick.

Special quick release bolts for ease of assembly.

That must be what's blocking out the daylight.

Did you need planning permission for that?

I actually did check, but for a temporary structure, we're fine.

I hope I've done enough butties?

Well, how many people have we got coming? There's all us lot. That's... nine.

Liam's best friend Kirk, Mitchell, if he's got over his mumps.

Shaky Stevie, who he sits next to in class... I think I'll do a few more rounds.

Yeah.

I'll need to do loads more if you keep scoffing them.

They're nice. You'll have to do a few more anyway

cos me mum and dad are coming.

Ah, are they? That's nice for you.

I can't believe it. They've never been to any of the kids' birthdays.

Always said that they couldn't bear to be in a room with a load of smelly kids.

But they're coming this time.

Can't wait to see 'em.

I just hope they like it all.

And I just want Liam to have the bestest day

and remember this forever.

The last one.

I just hope we're on top of everything. Right, Long John Silver time!

What else? What else?

Can you wrap the presents for pass the parcel?

Yes.

Presents, all pirate-themed. I want four parcels. One present at the end and one in between each layer.

I'm not doing that! There's just one present at the end.

You've got to.

But if everyone wins a present every time, who cares about the winner?

I know it's weird but last year, I did just presents at the end

and I had tears all the way through. But, Paula... Just do it!

Right, that is it! I don't need this. I'm downing tools.

Oh, no, Mother, please don't leave me.

I've been up since six this morning. I really need you.

Well, you've got to stop biting me head off.

It's a children's party, for pity's sake!

Hello? Are we bit early?

Yeah!

That pirate ship's boss. Shall I come back and pick her up in a couple of hours?

What time are you expecting everyone?

Not until two. It's two now.

No it's not, it's ten to one.

I make it two. Me too.

No, no, no. It's ten to one.

Well, either we're all an hour and ten minutes fast

or your watch has stopped. Now, which do you think it is?

It's ten to...

OK, point made. My watch has stopped.

It's two o' clock and I haven't done anything. Oh, my God!

Shall we disappear for a bit?

Why don't you take the kids to play on the multi-storey car park

outside while we get everything together?

I haven't even done any of the jellies or anything!

Right...

Sit down. Drink this and just relax.

It's not just about the kids. It means so much to Ray.

I know. Right, I'll do the pass the parcel and you'll do...?

Eye patches. I haven't done them yet.

Good. Yes, I think I need one of these.

There's not going to be any pirates, are there?

No. But I saw me dad with a hat with skull and crossbones on...

Shush! Can you go outside and play, please?

Ho-ho! Ray's excelled himself this time.

I'm speechless. That's a first.

This is the best thing I've ever seen.

Can we set fire to it?

Why don't you ever make anything like this for us?

Probably because I'm a huge disappointment to you on a daily basis.

Yeah, that's why... We're here! Let's get this party started!

Right, where's the jelly? Aren't you glad you came?

I'm telling you now, I'm not playing any games.

Can one of you get it?

It'll just be more early kids arriving early. On time, actually...

That'll be me mum and dad. Don't let them see me. I'm not ready yet.

Oh, hello. Mum, it's your friends.

You've come at a tricky time, we're a bit busy right now.

Oh, we know. Your mum told us what a nightmare you've been having.

So we thought it was time for the cavalry.

Oh, right. OK, erm... Come in.

Hello, hello!

Just throw it all in the mix.

This is so kind, isn't it, Paula?

I've brought some of me Pixar boxsets

if the kids want to watch any films.

I've made some little friends, should there be a lull in proceedings.

"Hello, everybody, I am Mr Verucca from the planet Pong!"

Great!

And Eileen said about your cake, all destroyed.

So I baked you a new one. I even made it look like a carrot.

I thought the kids would like that.

It was a parrot cake.

No, no! It's lovely. Thank you!

It's wonderful, isn't it, Paula?

Yeah, great.

Your mum said you sometimes get a little over worked on these occasions.

So I've got Kalms or Quiet Life tablets here if you want them.

Valium if it gets really bad.

And I know a smackhead who'll sell you his methadone

if it all gets too much.

But you might want that afterwards.

Right, OK. Thanks.

Could do with one meself. Lucky dip.

Ah-arr.

See, it's all fine now.

Brilliant. That whisky certainly helped.

There's none in there, is there?

Aha, me hearties!

Young Liam, don't be afrightened...

He's coming for me!

Great. What did I say?

You would have been better getting zombies as a theme.

Shall I go after him? No, I'll go.

He'll be fine.

Eh, Pete, I made them especially for you.

Ta, Mum, I love jelly - you know Mandy will never let me have it.

You've always loved a birthday party tea.

You can't beat 'em. Me dad used to love all this as well.

Ah, yeah. Don't know what he'd have made of the Cutty Sark in the garden, though.

Cheese and pineapple pirate ship, Nan?

Oh, go on.

Oh, my God, get it away from me. You all right?

It's that cheese... it's making me feel ill.

It's only Cathedral City.

Aren't you feeling well?

I did say.

OK, you've made your point, then.

The last time you were like this

was when you were having Ethan and Melissa.

Oh, yeah. Cheese, anything stinky in the fridge,

Pete's aftershave or feet...

Think you might be pregnant?

Of course not! Be something you've eaten.

No. No.

No.

No? No!

If I'm pregnant, you're gonna get it.

And not in a good way.

Liam, come down now, love.

You're missing your own party.

Maybe you should take that costume off.

I want me mum and dad to see it first.

Are we expecting anyone else?

No, that'll be them. Bit late, but never mind...

Hello, Eileen.

Ray.

All right.

Maurice. What are you doing here?

Just passing...

Hey, you made it. Great!

Come in, you got the message then, about the change of location?

Come on! Ahh. Nice surprise, isn't it?

You invited him?

I was just passing through this part of the world to visit

my cousin in Southport

and then, when I knew it was Liam's birthday, well!

I didn't know you were all still in touch.

Well, me and the kids are. Through Facebook. They're always poking me.

Hi, kids.

It's Uncle Maurice. All right?

He's not your uncle.

Did you bring us any us prezzies?

Yeah, what did you get us? Is it your birthday?

No. No. Well, I haven't brought you anything, then.

Hey, where's the birthday boy, then?

Locked in the bathroom.

Oh, right.

All right, Ray?

On Planet Pong I eat toenails for tea!

Ladies.

Pete. Mandy.

This is great. I'm really glad I came!

Who's he?

Some bloke we met on holiday.

What's he doing here?

That's a very good question.

What if it is true?

It's just a bug. What about that frozen paella you had?

It was only you who ate it.

This is exactly like the others.

Thought it was prawns, turned out I was preggers.

Mum...? Get it away from me. Get it away from me.

You're here now. You don't need to keep putting it on. Drama queen.

Maybe this could be a good thing.

How could it?

A few more years, they would have left home and I could have got me sanity back.

I'm too old and too knackered to start all over again.

But you loved it when they were little.

Before they turned into the monsters they are now.

When they were all cuddly and had peachy biteable bums.

Maybe... this is just what we need.

Do you think? Maybe you're right.

Oh, yeah, bring it on!

Thanks, Jack.

He said he's having a great time and not to worry.

This is ridiculous. Liam!

And what's Maurice doing here?

You heard, he was in the area.

Is that my surprise? Yeah! Isn't it great?

Yeah! I'm over the moon! I thought you liked him.

I did until he tried to get off with me in a wigwam.

Oh, naughty Maurice! That was ages ago.

What are you drinking?

Cokey-Cola.

That is 90 per cent whisky. You've had enough.

I'm... just loosening up.

I think you're plenty loose. Where've you put the bottle?

I've hidden it.

What did you use to stick your homemade eye patches together?

Just some glue from your tool box.

In the bright yellow tube.

Me extra-strong super glue. Great.

The glue has leaked out and now they won't come off.

They love 'em.

What's got into her? I've never seen her like this.

No idea. Liam, come on. Open up for Nan.

Who wants to watch a film?

I think we all do, don't we? What about Ratatouille?

Is that the one with the French rats? Why not.

I'm just going across to the chemist to get something for removing super glue from children's skin.

Don't ask. While you're there, will you get a...? A what?

You know...

You what? I can't hear you.

You know, a...

I haven't got a clue what any of that was.

A pregnancy tester!

Got you that time.

First chance I've had to get something to eat. I'm famished.

It's so good to see you again.

Well, it's certainly a surprise.

How've you been?

Well, I'm doing all right just now.

I'm not sure it was a good idea to have the party here.

Oh! Melissa, don't be throwing Wagon Wheels out of the crows' nest!

We never did speak about what happened when we were away.

Oh, look, don't worry, it's long gone.

Of course.

You've got a lovely place. It's usually a bit calmer than this.

I'm travelling round visiting folks

because I find it a bit...

solitary at home.

I like to be out and about and meet people.

Hmmm.

Do you find that?

No, no, I like my own space sometimes.

Have you had some food?

Oh, yes, thank you.

But don't you think it'd be nice to...

share your life with anyone again?

Well, I'm quite caught up in getting through this party at the moment...

Because you know, I do think that we had a very special connection.

If you have that...

No, not this again.

Melissa, what have I told you?

She's gonna have someone's eye out with those pizza slices.

I've called them but there's no answer.

Who?

Me mum and dad.

Oh, well. This is a great party, isn't it?

Do you still think they might come? No. Maybe they're stuck in traffic.

They live four streets away.

I really wanted them to come just for once

and see what a proper kids' party is like.

We have gone to so much trouble!

I might as well take all this off.

Shall I put it on?

You what? Have you ever tried putting a chocolate finger in a fizzy drink?

Have you been drinking?

No, shush. Don't tell me mum.

She thinks I've been necking all the whisky... and I have.

I feel fantastic! What is the point in being stressed?

Walk the plank! We haven't done walk the plank-ness!

Just saw Weird Steve from next door.

He said the kids are looking in his bedroom from the crow's nest.

Did you tell him to sod off? Yep.

Good.

And this is for you.

I'm too terrified to find out.

We're better off knowing. It'll be nothing.

Who's in there? It's me, Liam, Auntie Mandy.

Have you been in there the whole time?

Yeah. It's peaceful in here. I've just had a bath.

Come on, out of there now.

Do I have to? I was just about to have a facial.

Yeah, now.

Go on, go downstairs. No more messing about.

Oo-arr! Who's next to walk the plank, landlubbers?

Oh!

Oh, hiya, Eye, sorry about... I hope you don't mind me...

It's fine.

They're not coming, are they?

Doesn't look like it, no.

I wish I had a family like yours, Eileen.

You have. This is your family.

Come here, you daft apeth.

Are you sure none of the kids want to play?

It appears not.

Keep it moving.

Oh, it's me!

Hey! No cheating, you. Only one layer.

Still more to go.

I like it when you get a little something in between each layer.

Sod it.

Stay right where you are. Just getting a top up.

You found it.

Yeah, and you're not having any more. When will this ordeal be over?

We're just getting going. Oh, no, I'm run ragged here.

You're pilatic, and Maurice is making moves on me again. What next?

Where is Maurice?

Hopefully, he's gone.

Can I come down now?

What the hell's going on here?

She's lost the plot, Nan.

Walk the plank. Isn't it great?

Get that child down.

You get one question wrong, you take one more step towards

the crocodiles.

What was the name of the pirate Johnny Depp...

Paula, will you get him down and get that blindfold off!

And what's wrong with these two?

They got their questions wrong.

They're just being oversensitive. No bones broken.

Right, who wants another go?

What the hell's going on in there?

Heaven help us!

Maureen and Maurice!

You better not look.

Oh, get a room.

You'd better stock up on sleep

because in eight months' time, you won't be getting any.

No? Oh, yeah.

I'm so sorry.

Hey! Oh, don't go. Don't leave! We've got loads more games!

The party's just getting started!

It's a bloody madhouse.

Take them straight to A&E.

Whee!

Oh, dear, I'm pooped. You got through it, well done, Nan.

Thank you. Just got a text off me mum.

They went to Cheshire Oaks - there was a great sale on, apparently.

She actually said she probably didn't miss that much.

I knew they wouldn't come.

Their loss, lovey.

I thought it was about time I came down. Where is everyone?

Come here. I saved you a bit of birthday cake.

Hey. Sorry about that pirate costume.

Was that you? You should have said.

What a great party.

Well, it was different.

OK, everyone, I've got some news.

You are going to be a grandmother again.

Really! Oh!

You what?

I was right about the retching. Yeah.

Was it planned? What do you reckon?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Maybe it is. Maybe.

Hey, come on everyone, congratulations!

And don't think you're palming it off on me!

What are they talking about?

Auntie Mandy's gonna have a baby!

How?

Isn't it great?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0