All language subtitles for Being Eileen s01e05 DIY.eng

Hiya, Pete.
I've been playing five-a-side

with the lads and I thought I'd pop
round for a cuppa.

Ahh. D'you get beat again?

Yeah. How many by?

15-0.

Ohh. You're rubbish, aren't you?

Oh, thanks, Mum!

Look at the state of you!

You've got mud here... and there.

Come here. Mother.

Let me just jump in the shower, eh?

I'll put the kettle on. OK.

Ooh! Pete!

Don't use the shower!
It's playing up!

You what? I can't hear ya.

It'll be fine, then it just goes
ice cold all of a sudden...

Whoa-ho-hoooaaaaahhh!

Then scalding hot.

Aaarrrrrrrrgggghhh!

Too late.

Shower's broke.

Oh, you don't say!

Ooh, you look a bit red.

Oh, it's only third-degree burns.

How long's it been like that?

Oh, a while. Drink your tea.

You should have said.

Oh, it's fine. I've been having
baths or... using the flannel.

Mum, you should have told me.

I'm here for anything needs fixing.

I tried to look at it meself. I used
your dad's old do-it-yourself book.

But it's so old it hasn't even got
showers in it.

Is this where me dad got all his mad
do-it-yourself ideas from?

Yeah.

Hey, do you remember when he tried to
make me a bike out of wood?

D'you remember all the splinters
from the saddle?

Oh, don't, I can still feel 'em.

He was good at little jobs
round the house, though.

There's some of his old scribblings
and doodles here.

Remember this?

His combined swing,
slide and shed contraption.

Thank God it never left
the drawing board.

'Ey, come on. Put it away.

Right. We're going to get you
a new shower today.

Oh, no, do it another day.

Is there anything else needs fixing?

Not really.

Door to the garage
still doesn't shut

and that light's gone again
in the kitchen.

You know, if it gets dark

I can cook with a little torch
or light a candle.

We'll start with the shower, eh?

Take that home with you if you like.

'Shall I lock up,
or will you wait, Jim?

'I told you, I'll wait.

'Can I do anything, Jim?

'No. Thanks.'

I'm just popping down the DIY.

What? Are you serious?!

Er, yeah.

Can't believe it.

We're going to get my magical
dream bathroom today?

Oh, yeah. Of course, yeah.

What's brought this on?

I just thought you'd... suffered
enough.

Well, I never thought
this day would come.

This will change my life.

Your life.
This... will cement our marriage.

It's only a bleedin' bathroom.

At last, we're getting rid of it.

Depresses me every time I see it.

Avocado green with granny tiles.
What were they thinking?

Geriatric hand rail,

shower like someone's doing
a wet fart on your head.

Oh, it's all going to be
luxury-ness!

Oh, God, I've picked that "ness"
thing up from your mum.

Yeah, please don't do that.

Shall we make a day of it,
just me and you?

Erm... 'Ey, kids, me and your dad
are popping out.

You're all right your own.
And, 'ey, no more fires.

Where are you going? We want to
come. No, you don't.

It's just the shops. We want to come
and spoil all your fun.

Which shop are you going to?
What are you buying?

Just boring stuff that you don't
like.

Oh, we like boring stuff now.

It's fine. Nothing'll get in the way
of me and my new bathroom.

Is that your mum?

Oh, didn't I mention she was coming?

No. Why is she coming? Hiya, Nan.

Just for the journey.
You know, the more the merrier.

The more the merrier? At Wickes?!

I didn't know you were
coming, Eileen.

Neither did I till half an hour ago.

Pete's sorting me out with a new
shower.

You what?
We're going for my new bathroom.

Well, we can do both.
Kill two birds with one brick.

So that's the real reason
you wanted to go.

I was an afterthought, as usual?
Of course not.

I said to Mum, "I want to get Mandy's
bathroom, she's waited too long."

And then, I thought about me mum's
shower. Didn't I, Mum?

Yeah. Yeah, it's me that's
the afterthought, love, not you.

As long as we get it, it doesn't
matter. We will.

And, Ethan, if I hear or smell
the slightest trump out of you...

Have you done one already?

- Wasn't me.
- Melissa!

Pwhoar, Melissa.

Right, I want no dicking about.

We get in, get the stuff
and get out of here.

I know what these places are like,

you end up coming out with
all manner of shite.

Raarr! I'm going to get you!

Is that Jack? And Liam?

Hiya! Cooee!

What are they doing here?

I don't know.

Oh, Paula texted me,
wanted to know what I was up to.

Any other members
of your family we're missing out on?

I know, why don't you
give your Auntie Marge a call?

Or, how about one-legged Uncle Fred?

Or your cousin Karl
and all his ferrets?

Look, all right.
You've made your point.

Hiya.

Isn't this great?

Ray and the kids,
they love their DIY.

We were thinking of going to
a theme park. You were.

But Paula heard you lot were coming
here and it's almost as good as.

And he's serious. But it is cheaper
and only five minutes from home.

Look at Liam,
all dressed for the part.

With do-it-yourself it's all about...

Safety first.

You'd be surprised
the number of accidents

that people have while doing DIY.

It is the biggest killer in the home.

Did you know that 1,500 people
had accidents last year

just hanging wallpaper?

Ooh, you don't say.

Can we just go?

Is anyone a bit peckish?

Shall we have a break?
It's dinner time now.

Yeah. We've only just got here.

There's a nice place just there.

Perfect.

Are youse coming, or what?

I don't know what to have.

Ohh, I do like an onion ring. Mmm.

What are you having, Mand?

Why is it taking so long?
I just want to get out of here.

Oh, it's not them, it's us.

Jack likes his burger plain,

Liam likes it with lettuce, cheese
and no burger.

And it foxes them every time.

I don't want any mayonnaise
in that one,

and then I'll have the chicken
burger in that one, with fries,

erm, and, er, a coffee, but I don't
want milk in that one, OK?

OK. Yeah, have you got that again?
So...

So, you're going for this one?

Yeah.

Right.

I like it. I would have maybe gone
for something a bit more modern.

I'm not sure about baths on legs.
Isn't it a bit Downton Abbey?

Well, it's a good job
we're getting it and not you.

Shall we go and do this?

Ah, do we have to?

You know, a bathroom says
a lot about a person.

Er, the colour, the materials,

even down to
how you put the toilet roll out.

Whether you have the paper
out the front, down the back,

or leave it on the side...

Yeah, fascinating as this is,
I'm going.

Anybody want the toilet
before we go?

Me. And me.

Yeah, me too.

We don't have to do everything
all together. We're not the Waltons.

Yeah, but it's more fun this way,
isn't it?

Great fun!

'Staff announcement.
Would the manager...'

Did you know that screwdrivers

are one of the most dangerous tools
you can have?

You get more accidents
with a simple screwdriver

than you do with axes
or welding equipment.

I'd quite like an axe right now.

You do know we're not actually
buying anything today?

You've enough drills, saws
and gadgets to open a branch.

You can look and touch
but you can't buy.

I know, I know. It's just for fun.

Why don't you go and get what you
need and we'll sort this for me mum.

I'll do this. This was my idea.

Remember we're here to get
a bathroom.

But I know what she wants.

I am still here, you know.
I knew I'd get sidelined.

As soon as me mum said
what you were doing,

I knew I had to come
to make sure she got the right one.

If we left it to you,
it'd never happen.

If we left to you, who knows
what she'd end up with.

Some marble and gold monstrosity.
What are you saying?

God save us!

Mum...

Ah, this is dead boring.
Why did we come?

Why don't you play with a drills.
Yeah!

Give us me bag before you go.
You what?

I asked you to look after me bag
for two seconds. Where is it?

Oh, I don't know.
Have I left it in Burger King?

Or in the car? Do you need it?

No, that was me spare bag
with nothing in it!

The real one with me purse, me phone
and the brochure is just here.

Don't have a go at me.

If you didn't want to lose it,
you shouldn't have give it to me.

You know how I like to lose things.

'Staff announcement.
Could the manager come to...'

Can I help you, madam?
No, you can't.

You're acting suspiciously.

No, I'm not.
I'm looking for me bag in me car.

How do I know it's your car?

Because I've got the keys...
right here. See?

We get a lot of robberies
from this car park.

How do I know you haven't stolen
them keys? Are you for real?

Have you seen the state of this car?

All the shite in it?
Who'd want to rob this?

I've got me eye on you.

Oh, it's not here.

Bog off.

Look at this one, with water coming
all out the walls.

She just wants a straightforward
shower, not the Trevi Fountain.

I quite like this one.

You could get one with a chair in
it. You know, for when your hips go.

I'm not an old nana yet!

Wouldn't you like a wet room?

So the whole room is like a shower.
You can get water everywhere.

I would be slipping
and sliding all over the place.

Look, why don't I just take care of
this, eh?

What about the rest
of your bathroom, Mum?

Cos you could get a corner bath.
I just want a shower, nothing else.

Ah, now, you've got to be
careful.

I read about this bloke that had
a heavy corner bath fitted

and when the water went in
it went right through the floor.

Squashed his wife, in the living room
downstairs, flat as a pancake.

Potentially lethal, corner baths.

We're not leaving
until you've eaten that all.

That means your gherkin too.

Don't be trying to shove it
in the plants like you did last time.

Faster, faster.
Come on, Ethan, faster!

Isn't that lovely
the way that opens?

And closes!

Ray? Ray, where are you going?

No power tools!

'Ere y'are, this one'll do.
What d'you reckon to this one, Mum?

Where the frig's she gone now?

And this is me son's
plastic dog poo.

One tissue, used.

Slotted spoon.
Don't know why that's there.

OK, OK, I believe they're yours.

I'm so pleased.

Yeah, but I'm always watching.

Oh, that's nice.

'Staff announcement.

'Will Gavin the manager come to
the staff meeting, please?'

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Oh, Gavin, it's you.

Hiya, Mrs Lewis.

Oh, call me Eileen. How's your mam?

Oh, she's much better, thanks, yeah.
She's on some new tablets.

Ah. Seems to be doing the trick.

She's not seeing the goblins
so much now.

Oh, that's good.

So, what are you here for?
God only knows.

Apparently a shower.

Oh, well,
we've got some great offers on.

Excuse me.

Do you know, if I had this kitchen,

I'd spend all day just opening
and closing this drawer.

Lovely action.

Yeah.

Is she gone?
Yeah. I thought you worked here.

I do. I'm the manager now.

But I can't cope.
I've been... overpromoted

and I don't know what I'm doing.

And I'm... I'm meant to be running
the place.

So, you thought you'd
climb into a cupboard?

I used to hide in the garden bit
over there

but they kept finding me
in the shrubbery.

It's her, it's Carmel
I'm hiding from.

You see, she wanted to be manager
but I got it and now she's livid.

Ohh. You were always
a sensitive kid.

You were terrified of
the ice-cream man. Mm.

But this is no way to deal with it.

But it... it blocks out all the sound.

You see, when I'm in here
I can hardly hear 'em

all bing-bonging me around the shop.

It can't be that bad.

They all think I'm useless.

And... I am.

Gavin? What the hell are you doing?

Well... Well... I... I was, erm...
I was just...

He was just helping me.

I'm... trying to buy a cupboard
and...

I didn't know which one to buy,
so he's testing it for me.

How's that one, love? It's good.

Nice access, in and... and out.

You didn't need to get
inside the cupboard.

Of course he does.

How else am I going to know
if it's right?

I've got to be able to get
in and out. Exactly.

You do know you're meant to be
at a staff meeting now?

You should have been there,
not here.

But the customer always comes first.

Oh, of course. Of course.

Can I, er, steal him away now?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's been a great help.

I don't know how I'd have managed
without him.

Thank you.

And, er, see you later, Gavin.

That is the... name on your badge,
isn't it, love?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Mrs... customer... lady.

Oh, dear.

I like this one the best.
It's got a dead nice finish.

Aren't there any doorbells
we can play with?

Excuse me, kids, but this isn't
a playground, you know.

Where's your mum and dad?

I don't know. They dumped us here
and went off shopping.

We get that a lot.

They don't even care about us.

They're probably stuffing their
faces in Mackie D's right now.

And we haven't eaten all day.
I'm so hungry, I might faint.

If I knew the ChildLine number,
I would call it.

It's disgraceful.
I can see you're good kids.

Oh, yeah, we are. We really are.

Come with me.

Where are you going now?
He's going to buy something, I know.

I give up.

Ah, thanks, Janice. These poor things
haven't eaten all day.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, thanks!

So, can you really see
what's going on from in here?

Oh, yeah. All-seeing eye.
Never miss a trick.

This is brilliant.
I want all this in me bedroom.

There's some strange ones
out there today.

These are a bit odd.

Yeah. They look funny.

What about that bloke?

No, he's fine.
It's this one I've got me eye on.

She's SO dodgy.

Mm-hm. Now, that there,
that's a serious shoplifter.

Deffo.

Wouldn't take me eye off her.

Don't worry, I've got her number.

'Ey, Pete.

Have you escaped to come and look
at power tools with me and the boys?

I was abandoned, more like.

What's your favourite power tool?

Er...

Yeah. It's tricky, isn't it?

Well, there's so many to choose from,
isn't there?

I can still remember the day
I got me new Makita drill

like it was yesterday.

Changed my life.
Almost as much as me iPhone.

And the calculator...

I should go and find me mum.
Or me wife.

We're going to look at grinders
and disc cutters.

D'you want to join us?

I think I'm all right, thanks, Ray.

'Come and get the bathroom you've
always dreamed of. In store today.'

Ooh, that's lovely.

Ooh...

'We need to get
the system replaced.'

Some of them
just go on the blink like that.

You cheeky little mare.

So what we normally do with lost kids
is tell the police

and let them deal with it.

Look, that dodgy shoplifting woman's
up to something.

Nah, she looks fine to me. This time.

It's there. At last.
Oh, what a relief.

And there's only one left.

Why didn't you just say,
"I'm taking me mum to get a shower,"

and admit you'd forgotten
about the bathroom?

I hadn't forgotten. Course you had.

Just admit it. I don't mind.

OK, I forgot. How could you forget?

It's the only thing
I've wanted for years.

Look, me mum's got no-one to do the
things around the house for her now.

She's been having a wash with a
flannel and cooking by candlelight.

All because she doesn't want to
create a fuss.

So I'm sorry I forgot,
but I want to be there for her.

What's that?
It'll be them two, I can guarantee.

What did you do that for?!
It was completely by accident.

Shall we just pretend
we don't know them?

Oh, can we, please?

You'll not die, it's a tin of paint.
Funny!

Let's just get this bloody bathroom.

You are joking! Oh, great!

Excuse me, but that's ours.

No, I think you might find that
this is ours.

We were about to pick it up.
We turned away for two seconds.

To have an argument.

You missed your chance, then.
Yeah, no, you don't understand.

I've got to have this one.
I've got me heart set on it.

You don't know how long I've waited.

This bathroom suite is the only
thing that keeps me sane.

Get off me, will ya?

Mand, let go of the man's arm.
Please.

Shall I get the manager?
Stay out of this.

It's between me and him. What can
we give so we can have it?

Let me have me arm back and I'll
tell you. Just leave it, will ya?

Come 'ead.

No.

What are you doing? Just let it go.

They're getting away!
Just... let it go.

What's happened to me?

I don't know.

I blame you.

Oh, it's funny, that!

'Paint spillage on aisle four.
Can someone get a mop, please?'

I knew I'd find you here.

Just look at them all.
They make me so happy.

Isn't that that buzz saw

what the man on YouTube
sawed his fingers off with?

Well remembered, son.

Ah, and look at this
beautiful jigsaw.

You've got one.
You've got two, in fact. Come on.

Nothing to see here.

But look at that!

I think that was the last one
in the country.

Where is Gavin?

'Ere y'are, son. I want a word
with you. Oh, Eileen, yeah.

Well... Oh, here he is.

You not hiding in your cupboard?

No. You're just talking to yourself.

What a joke.

How dare she talk to you like that?

How dare she... y-you...
talk to me like that!

You what?

You heard what I said.

You heard what I said.

There's going to be
some changes round here.

There's going to be
some changes round here.

Oh, I don't think so!

I'm the manager...

and I'm in charge... and you're all
going to have to do as I say.

Ooh, scary!

Nan, who are you talking to?

Hang on a mo, chick.

Hang on a mo, chick.

He's lost the plot!

No, it's you that's lost...

No, it's you that's lost the plot.

And I've had enough of your...
backchat and your nasty...

Ness... ness.

You're fired.

You're fired.

You can't fire me!

Want a bet? There's procedures.

You've got to give me a verbal
AND a written warning first.

See, you don't even know
how this works.

How can you be the manager?

I was going to fire you
when I saw you...

I was going to fire you anyway,
for...

robbing the bay trees this afternoon.

That wasn't me.
I don't even like trees.

Is that true?

Yeah, I saw her earlier.

Well, that's a sackable of fence.
Yeah, I would have thought so.

So, clear out your locker.

I want you out of here
within the hour.

And all the bay trees returned,

or I'll call the police
and they can handle you.

And anyone else I find
doing the same thing

will be heading the same way.
Do you understand me?

Good.

My work here is done.

You distract them,
I'll get the trolley.

No way.

Just do it!

Hiya.

I just want to apologise
for me wife earlier.

I don't know what got into her.

I think she's going through
the change or something.

This is a good choice.

Me mum got this fitted recently
and she loved it.

Oh, thanks, love.

All right, Mum? We were going to

come and help you choose a shower
now.

I'm fine. I've picked one meself,
thanks.

You lot have been no help
whatsoever.

What have you bought?

Just a few things.
Got a bit carried away.

What a great day out.
Who needs theme parks?

See you later, Mum.

See ya. Bye.

Can you get off our backs?
We are leaving.

'Half-price winter sale on
kitchens and bathrooms. Hurry.

'Offer ends today.'

Mum. I'll fit your shower for you.
Oh, thanks, son.

Do you want me to get one of the men
here to do it for you? Could you?

Yeah.

Quick, Dad, drive! Drive!

That's mine!

Oi!

Mine! Shut the door, Mand!

Bog off!

We could have gone to Alton Towers,
the amount of money we've spent.

Or Disney World in Florida.

Yeah, but would it have been
as much fun?

But I thought we weren't allowed to
spend any more money on gadgets.

Especially not another drill.

My point exactly!

But this is pink, for girls!
And it's mine!

Ohhh! Whoo!

Oh, it's gorgeous!

Mum's freaking me out.

How you getting on?

Nearly done, boss.

Can you believe it?

They're terrified of you.

I bet there's no hiding
in the cupboard now.

I do use it as me office sometimes.

It's me safe space. Oh, Gavin.

Is there anything else
to check while we're here?

Well, there was a few things.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Er...

Will I ever get my dream bathroom?

I wouldn't bet on it.

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