Original subtitles

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat percussive music]

[elephant trumpets]

♪ ♪

- Welcome to "Black Table Talk,"

the only place on Tariq Nasheed's internet

where we can have an honest conversation.

Today's topic? Women in the workplace.

Why?

I'm your host, Dr. Haddassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman,

pre-PhD, and I'm about to take you

on the overground railroad--

- [chuckling] How long is this intro?

I'm s--I do not mean to rush you, Queen Haddassah,

but Kaavia has me on a curfew.

- See, see, see,

no, no, no, Gabrielle Union.

Black women babies are not allowed to issue curfews.

Only our original kings can do that.

- Mm, mm. - You know,

Supreme Rahmeek told me to be home by 3:00.

- Oh, is he here?

Can he sign a head wrap for me?

- Unfortunately, no.

He does not fraternize with married women.

Except for me and all eight of his wives.

- Oh, that's very Doug Christie of you guys.

- Anyway, welcome to the show.

It says here now that you're an actress,

an author, a television host,

a fashion designer, and a spokeswoman.

- Thank you. - Why so many jobs,

and how does your husband deal with this betrayal?

- Betrayal? Um...

I think my husband appreciates a woman--

- Oh.

- I'm sorry. Female.

- Thank you.

- That makes her own money, is incredibly flexible,

and still is able to raise a family.

- I'm glad you said that.

Now, as everybody knows, there are many factors

working towards the destruction of the Black family.

- Mm. - Number one:

wet sneakers. - Mm.

- Number two, working women.

And if you ask-- - Aren't you at work right now?

- I--I don't get paid for this.

I have made no money doing anything.

[upbeat percussive music]

Now, Ms. Gabrielle. - Mm-hmm.

- Let's talk about your professional goals.

- Sure. - With your king, Dwyane Wade.

[lion roars] - Oh, shit. Okay.

Uh-- - Now, how do you feel

about your wife out here

working like a free-range chicken?

- Well, I'm sure my, uh, cardboard king, uh,

would love for me to be home a little bit more--

- Shh, shh.

Shh-shh.

Earth, let your God speak.

♪ ♪

- [softly] Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

You know, my husband--

nay, God... - Mm.

- You know, he just retired from the universe of the NBA.

- Why would he do that?

Such a lucrative job.

- He--you know, he's a-- he's a little old, and he--

- How dare you speak about him in that way!

I'm so sorry, cardboard Dwyane Wade.

[lion roars]

Please continue.

- But you know, I have worked my whole career.

- That's the problem.

- But I'm actually fine

being one of the breadwinners in my family.

- Breadwinners? Oh, no!

White people got you thinking bread is a prize!

[upbeat percussive music] Sister...

may I call you Oshun?

- As long as I can have my hand back?

- Oshun, this is not your fault.

Like Lauryn Hill, you've been miseducated

and you're late to the true knowledge.

But we can get you back. Oh, yes.

All you have to do is enroll in my learning center.

Yeah. - Is that--

is that like a school?

'Cause you need to leave every child behind.

[lion snarls]

[notification chimes]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you just send me a Venmo request for $58,000?

- And that's just the first installment.

For another $700,000, you can become a Founding Pharaoh

in the Dr. Haddassah Institute for Elevation,

Conspiritization, Melanization,

and Vitamins. - Vitamins.

So you want me to be a Founding Pharaoh of your pyramid scheme?

No, thanks. - But, but, but, see, see, see,

no, no, no! With your tuition,

you will also receive the singular, sacred text

that will help build your mind to the ultimate level:

"The Earth is Flat and Other Reasons You Shouldn't Vote."

- But people should vote.

- [chuckles] Why? Cast a ballot?

Think about it.

Ballot is just two letters away from bullet.

They want us to kill our community.

- Ma'am, this is a takeout menu.

But if you wanna talk empowering, Black literature?

- Yes, yes!

- Literature. - Literature!

Let's do it! - My "New York Times"

bestselling book, "A Woman Who Actually Farts."

The freedom of flatulence!

Chapter one-- - Get it outta there!

You have disgusted me!

You never told me you were literate!

This is a total abomination!

Until next time... [upbeat percussive music]

This has been "Black Table Talk."

- You didn't think I could read?

- I had hoped not.

Explain yourself. How much can you read?

The whole alphabet?

That's why you only have one husband.

- I've had a couple.

- You know what? Let's talk about that.

- I shouldn't have read in that first marriage.

- Thank you. - It was a book club,

Queen Haddassah. - Oh!

- [sniffles]

- How many books did you get through?

- Dozens. - [gasps] Oh, my--

[elephant trumpets]

- ♪ Here's a little story 'bout a raw-ass bitch ♪

♪ That'll take yo' man like she take that dick ♪

♪ She got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one ♪

♪ She like strapped street niggas ♪

♪ Who gon' run them funds ♪

♪ I got a gang of bitches ♪

♪ Who gon' see 'bout me ♪

♪ Quick to run up in your ♪

♪ Shit, ho, one, two, three ♪

♪ I still remain untouched ♪

♪ I just walk through them hos ♪

♪ And drop my nuts ♪

♪ Your baby daddy fell in love ♪

♪ I just wanted to fuck ♪

♪ I just wanted the cash ♪

♪ All he wanted was us ♪

♪ Take a blunt to the face ♪

♪ While he rubbing my butt ♪

♪ Countin' money in my panties ♪

♪ That shit give me a rush ♪

♪ Go, girl, wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Get a bag, make 'em mad ♪

♪ Bitch, you bad with your fine ass ♪

♪ Go, girl, with your fine ass ♪

♪ Make a mess ♪

♪ You the best wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Go, girl, with your fine-- ♪

♪ Go, girl, with your fine ass ♪

♪ Make a mess, leave 'em pressed ♪

♪ You the best let me see you do it ♪

♪ Just fly with it, vibe with it ♪

♪ Talk to your homegirl, high-five with me ♪

♪ Let me see you do it ♪

[soft dramatic music]

- This must be the laptop Whitley took to Hillman.

- Tch. What kinda '90s dollar bullshit is this?

- Well, turn it on. See what's on it.

- I got it. [button clicking]

♪ ♪

- Shit. It's dead.

- Maybe it's not dead.

Maybe it's racist. [chuckles]

- Oh, well. You guys hungry?

I'm happy to make something.

You know I requested an application

from Le Cordon Bleu?

- Yeah, okay. - Hell yeah, we hungry.

- I refuse to be distracted

by that ridiculous piece of information.

Why are you changing the subject?

- 'Cause I can't fix a dead laptop,

but I can fix a protein and two sides.

- We'll take it. - Mm-hmm.

- Suspish. - What?

- She's suspicious. I'm suspicious of her.

She's suspish. - Okay, but why are you

saying it like a detective in a French novel?

- Robin, Skye is our friend. Nobody suspishes her.

- Oh, so we all saying it now?

Everybody's just saying suspish?

- Think about it. She's the one

that brought us to this creepy-ass warehouse

that she "found" before an "apocalypse."

- Put your air quotes away.

There was an apocalypse. We all lived through it.

- Okay. Touché. Fine.

But we're all just supposed to believe

that someone sent this busted-ass laptop

to this abandoned-ass warehouse

with all this cool-ass stuff in it?

- We do believe that. - Yeah.

- That's another thing. We barely know you.

- Y'all know each other.

Y'all played dick, dick, goose with Rodney.

- Nasty.

- Robin, where is this coming from?

You guys know me and I know you.

- Okay. If you know us, prove it.

What's Laci's last name?

- Well, to be fair, I have changed it several times.

- Shh. I want to hear this, too.

- Hmm. Okay, let's see. We met at my hair salon.

Gabrielle referred you.

- 'Cause she was my personal trainer

but her hair was a mess and it was disturbing my workouts.

- So that means your last name is...

[suspenseful music]

Wilson. - You know me!

- Whatever. That was an easy one.

A child could've guessed it.

No offense, Skye-- you know what?

All offense. I don't trust you.

- Look, all I know is

Skye never snatched out my edges.

And frankly, that's all a bitch needs to know, okay?

- Okay, well, if that's all you need to know

and she's gonna be all up in your scalp,

maybe you should know her last name.

Quick. What is it?

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- I know it. I know it.

I have it in my phone.

It's Hairstylist.

- Oh!

[quirky upbeat music]

- I have you in my phone as (friend).

[upbeat music]

- Excuse me!

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,

everybody. Um, thank you

for coming out to another Aisha production.

If you know anything about me,

you know I like to make moments for the 'Gram.

So the way we're gonna reveal

the gender to Ta'Kia's baby is--

- We're gonna have a pink and a blue monster fight

and then whichever one wins, that's what I'm having.

Ow! [cheers and applause]

Bring it out! [cheers and applause]

- Come on!

[dramatic music]

Okay, I see you, ol' monster! [chuckles]

- ♪ We about to act up ♪

♪ On a rampage ♪

- Get excited, everybody! Yeah!

- Who's gonna win?

- What in the sweet fuck is this?

[music stops]

- Who--who said that?

- Daddy! Chris, say hi to Daddy.

- Huh?

Oh. Sup?

- As the father of these two amazing people,

I just wanna say that this

is the dumbest idea I've ever seen.

But it's none of my business.

- Okay, great, great.

So are we ready to reveal the gender?

- Nah, I'm good. - What?

- That's an A and B conversation.

- It's really not. It's a we conversation.

- My name's Bennett and I ain't in it.

- You don't want to reveal the gender of your grandbaby?

- That's between you and y'all.

- So why are you here?

- I'm not.

Chris! Come here, son.

- Okay. All right, well, everybody over here.

[both laugh]

[crowd oohs] [boxing bell rings]

- Now, what in the slobbering bullshit is this?

You still all broke up over this girl?

- No.

- You been divorced a year.

It didn't work out. Move on.

♪ ♪

All right, look, son. Let me tell you something.

Just 'cause you're with a girl since you were in grade school

and she's amazing and she never did anything

'cept support your struggling, little rap career...

[body thumps] [crowd oohs]

That's no reason to stay with her.

There's a lot of fish in the sea.

A lot of apples in the pie. [chuckles]

Now you good?

- Nala.

- Answer me, boy.

I've reached my time limit of talking.

- Norwegian.

- Don't do it again.

Don't do it again. - A'ight.

Nova Scotia.

Nappy roots.

- Don't say it again.

- North pole. - Give me an answer.

- Night-night. - Seriously.

- Night-night. - Don't--that--don't--

- [babbles] - Boy, stop playing.

- Naruto.

- What--what'd you say?

- Norah Jones. - One more time.

- ♪ Never too much ♪

[crowd gasping]

- Don't play with me.

- A'ight, dang. I'm good.

- You okay? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't look over here. Nope. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

'Scuse me, 'scuse me. Uh, can y'all stop fighting?

It's confusing the monster fight

and we can't have two fights going on at once.

- Oh, my bad.

- Stop looking at me like that. [giggles]

- Dang, Aisha. You got thick.

- I got thick? - Uh-huh.

Let me see you turn around. - Where? [giggles]

[both chuckling]

- You see where. - Chris. [giggling]

We can't be doing this stuff in front of your dad, but--

- Anybody wondering what kind of baby

I'm gonna have, or like?

- Oh, okay. My bad, sis.

- Okay. Keep it classy.

All right.

Okay! Nothing happened, no!

- Hold on. Let me ask the kid a question.

- What? - Let me ask you this, La'Kia.

Nigga knocked you up, he got a beard like me?

- He has two beards. - He got two beards like me?

Like your brother? - He's on power.

- Okay. So that's, like, a lot of beards.

I get it. - Can I have one day

that's about me? - You can, baby, you can--

- No, I'm proud of you. Let me ask you this--

let me ask you this.

Is that a real baby? - Yes!

- Oh, okay. I didn't know.

- Where would I get a fake baby?

- Okay, stop playing, Chris. Let's get back to it.

- A'ight. - Everybody, thank you.

Continue.

- Blue, where you at? Come on!

- You can do it, B!

- I see what your sister's having,

but don't be too obvious about it.

- Uh-uh! Don't let him do you like that!

♪ ♪

- Hit her, blue. - Come on! Girl power!

- There you go! [crowd clamoring]

[cheers and applause]

- It's a--[giggling] - Girl!

I'm having a girl!

- Hey, blue monster's calling 911!

Grab his phone!

Hey, we ain't see shit!

- ♪ We about to act up ♪

[lyre music]

- How are we the only ones not being served?

What are we? A bunch of lepers?

- Maybe it's a blessing.

I heard somebody found a locust in their salad.

- That's disgusting.

This whole situation is mad disrespectful.

I can't believe they put us at a kiddie table.

There's plenty of room over there.

They're all sitting on one side.

- Word around the manger is

they resurrected this table from the trash.

I don't even know where they got it.

I never even seen a wooden folding table before.

- I don't think they would want me over there anyway.

They won't say it,

but I don't think the Apostles wanna hang with a ho.

- We should be at the big table.

- Ex-ho. Yeah. No, I'm an ex-ho.

- I haven't seen sexism like this

since Leviticus CK's stand-up show.

Look at this. This isn't even a real tablecloth.

It's just a long sheet of papyrus.

And if Paul calls me a disciplette one more time?

- Well, you know I'd rather cut a baby in half

than gossip, but I heard Paul's real name?

Saul. S'Paul must be in

the Witness Redemption Program.

- You mean he's the Saul that got Christians stoned

and not in a puff, puff, pass way?

- Girl, you didn't read it on my parchment, but yes.

- I wish they would let go of my sins as easily.

Just 'cause I smashed a few mens for loaves and fishes

doesn't mean I'll do it again. - Wait, why did you do that?

- Jesus just gives away the loaves and fishes for free.

- Girl, be quiet. You know you slept with somebody

for some loaves and fishes before.

- We don't have to. - They're free.

- That's the one thing you have free in this life.

- Okay, okay, I get it, okay, okay.

- We have literally never done that.

- Didn't you have tea about Peter?

I'm done talking about it. - Oh, yeah.

You know about Peter, right? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay, so before the rooster crows,

he's gonna deny Jesus three times.

Don't that just burn your bush?

- Okay, fine.

Lying with Malachi begat lying with Ishmael,

which begat lying with Agabus.

- No, no. You're not supposed to find joy in it.

- What burns my bush is that we still haven't been served.

I'd go find my waitress, but my dogs are barking.

Jesus walks a lot. - He do.

- And why do we have to wear the high heel sandals?

- Everyone can't resurrect a new ankle.

- Right? I'm saying. Like, so what?

I parted my legs like the Red Sea.

So what, right?

I turned over a new fig leaf.

- ♪ La-la ♪ - Oh, Lord. Here we go.

- [gasps] Hi, ladies!

- Hey, Mary Magdalene. - Hi, Mary Magdalene.

- I haven't seen you all night.

I've been over there kiki-ing at the big table.

[chuckling] The disciples are so funny.

Oh, you had to be there.

- We're two feet away. - I know.

But you're so much lower. [giggles]

- Last I checked, you were over there

just pouring wine at the table.

You weren't sitting at it. - [scoffing chuckle]

- At least I'm there. [giggles]

Here you go.

♪ ♪

Oops. I guess I'm all out.

I could ask JC to make more, but, you know,

it's a dinner, not a magic show.

- [sarcastic chuckle] Could've fooled me.

Look like you trickin' over there.

- Ooh.

- I heard they're not even tipping you.

- Well, I have a tip for you.

Stop writing your little chapters for the New Testament.

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John got that on lock.

- What? - But he told me

I could write those. You were there

when Jesus said I could. - Those idiots?

They're just gonna copy off each other

and write the same story four times!

- I know.

Geniuses. [giggles]

Oh, and B-T-dubs,

you're not going to be in the company painting,

so stay looking hungry.

You do that well. All right. Bye!

- That's it. I am out. I'm ready to drop my verse

but they not trying to cash these parables

'cause I'm a woman?

Nicodemus, please.

Talking 'bout I'm gonna do a sermon on top of a mount.

Why don't you walk your high heels on up the whole mountain?

This is the last supper I'm doing with them.

♪ ♪

So if it's a nuclear event, don't use conditioner.

It binds radioactive material to your hair.

It's basic chemistry.

You went to school for too long.

- I know that, but now it's too late to do anything about it

and now I know all this stuff.

- [yawning] Oh, well. This has been fun.

But, uh, I think I'm gonna pack up some of these rations

and see what's outside.

Who's coming with me?

- Oh, nope. Not me.

I heard that raccoons can survive an apocalypse

and I am not trying to get caught outside

by radioactive raccoons.

- Okay, well, it's still early, so--

- Yeah, I was actually gonna make everyone cappuccinos,

but it's just an espresso machine.

- Oh, Nespresso?

- No, we need to Nespress-go!

- Robin. - What?

- What is going on? - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

This is just weird, okay? First of all,

you guys woke me up from the dream about my fortified house,

which was very rude,

and then Sky knew the exact number of MREs there are

and now that laptop got me feeling some kind of way.

She got all them zippers on her pants and no pockets.

That's not weird to you? - No.

- You feel me on this. You understand.

You know why you understand? Because you are my friend.

And you know what Skye is?

She's just a woman I shared a dick with.

Not at the same time. Don't make it weird.

And the point is she knows more than she's telling us.

- Okay. I see what this is.

- Thank you.

- You're jealous that you didn't find this place first

and that's a perfectly normal way to feel.

But also at the same time, can you be quiet?

I'm trying to get a coffee.

- So how 'bout we spike these coffees

with something smooth and brown?

- [chuckles] I'm in.

- Oh, bet. Works for me.

- Not in. I don't like coffee,

and I don't like what's going on.

- Speaking of smooth and brown,

I'm gonna make my favorite drink.

It's called the Kevin.

It's simple, but it goes down easy.

[laughter] [metallic clanking]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Oh, shit!

- What the hell?

- What?

- Now this is suspish. - What?

♪ ♪

What is this? - [gasps]

- Aisha Lewman, Denise DeCarter?

Who are these people in these passports?

- Wait a minute.

Passports, wigs, meals, gym equipment.

I mean, maybe they use this place for witness protection?

- Uh-uh. No, no, no. I don't fuck with that.

My uncle went into witness protection.

Never saw him again.

- Bitch, that's the whole point.

- Nope. How's a old-ass laptop gonna protect a witness?

- 'Cause it doesn't have a camera.

People in witness protection can't be on FaceTime.

- You know, maybe it's because it doesn't have a camera.

You can't have people in witness protection on FaceTime.

- Ah. - Oh.

- Oh?

So y'all didn't just witness me say that first?

- Okay, fine. I'll stay. - What?

- But only until we figure out this mystery.

Then I'm leaving first thing in the morning.

Not trying to fight night coons anyway.

I heard how it sounded when I said it and I regret it.

[quirky upbeat music]

[thunder cracks and rumbles]

[phone ringing]

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Hello?

- LeeLee, it's Isaac from the gym.

What you gonna do tonight?

- Oh, nothing. Just doing algebra.

- No, you're not. Uh, so can I come through?

[thunder claps]

I mean, if you busy or whatever, that's fine.

- No!

Uh, n-nah. [clears throat softly]

Gimme 30 minutes. - I'll be there in five.

- Even better! [chuckles]

Damn you, Isaac,

and your D'Angelo "How Does It Feel" dick arrow.

[phone slaps on couch] [thunder claps]

[tense jazz music]

[clicks tongue] Come on, Hairy J. Blige.

♪ ♪

Damn, I did the bottom when I should've did the top!

♪ ♪

I am not my hair.

[doorbell chimes]

[screams] [thunder claps]

- Okay, I see you got the day-to-night leggings.

- [chuckles] You see me?

- Little head wrap situation.

- Oh! Oh. [giggles]

Stop. You play too much.

- I play like Colin Kaepernick.

Psych. They won't let him play.

- Oh! - You hella nimble, too?

- Yeah. - Yeah, trap yoga paying off.

What other positions you know, hmm?

- Oh! Man down! [electricity zaps]

- I can barely see you.

- Oh, no. - Mm, but I can feel you.

- I'm about to ride you like a bench,

and I ain't got no game.

[yelps] - What?

- Ooh, I get cold so fast.

My anemia and shit.

- Okay. Got that.

- I got skinny blood.

- It's all right. I can warm you up.

[soft tense music]

Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

You are...

are so beautiful.

[sexy jazz music] Like Holly Berry.

- I think you mean Halle. - Yeah, that's what I said.

I wish you could see what I see.

Look at that. [shutter clicks]

God damn.

Tell me that ain't a dime right there.

- Yeah, 10¢ sounds about right.

[soft tense music] - Uh-uh. Hold up.

Hold up, hold up. Don't swipe.

No, it's--it's-- no, that's fine.

- Okay.

[thunder claps]

[tense musical spikes]

What the hell, Isaac?

Please tell me you are on the street team for Kanekalon.

- Okay.

I love Black women's hair

when it's in a state of transition, all right?

It's why I didn't call you for five weeks.

I had to wait for your new growth to come in.

- You have a kink kink?

Couldn't you just be a serial killer or something?

- Black women are always talking about how society

doesn't see the beauty in their natural hair, right?

I am here telling you how dope you are, LeeLee.

Just like this.

This wonderful, wonderful new growth.

Come here. [sexy jazz music]

Let's start over.

- Okay. - Can you and me start over?

I'ma take you out, I'll wine and dine you,

a nice dinner, you can pick whatever you want.

Talking about gyros, anything.

- [gasps softly]

announcer: DoorDash.

We got gyros or anything.

- [sniffs deeply] Oh, a little dry patch.

- Oh, oh!

[quirky upbeat music]

- [whistles] Sky, Darling.

Can you fix my wig?

[chortling laughter]

- Oh, sweetie, mm-mm. I don't do hair anymore.

- Tuh! - Are you serious?

[tense music]

Take your wig off and say that. - Uh-oh.

- Yeah. For real. How am I gonna do hair?

My tools and bundles got raptured.

- Your who did what now?

[chuckles softly]

[clears throat]

[slaps table loudly] I agree with Robin.

This heifer is suspish.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Carry out for Portia Coché, please.

Thank you!

♪ ♪

[dramatic notes]

Oh.

[suspenseful music]

I'm sorry.

Why did you only give me one set of plastic wear?

- My apologies.

I'd like to make your day better by offering you

another complimentary free set on the house.

♪ ♪

- No. That is not the point.

Why didn't you just ask how many sets of plastic wear

instead of just giving me one?

- Thank you for your gift of feedback.

When you ordered one entrée, I shouldn't have assumed.

- No. Oh. I'm sorry. You just assumed I was single?

- No, no, no, no, no, no. I would never assume that.

No, you look super taken. Like, overly taken, actually.

- Uh-uh! Now you calling me a ho?

- [softly] Um... - [stuttering angrily]

- Dilan, July is slipping away.

I'm sincerely sorry, ma'am.

- Oh, no! Ma'am?

Do I look like someone's mother to you?

[scoffs]

Huh?

[head hits wall]

- Well, if you're not somebody's mother, uh,

you should be. - Oh, wow, wow, wow.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Wow.

Now you calling me out 'cause I don't have any kids, huh?

Uh-huh?

So now I'm starring in a Tyler Perry movie

about a professional Black woman with a great career

and expendable income to eat out every night

but doesn't have a man and a family of her own?

Well, let me tell you what. - [whimpers]

- I can write that script bad all by myself.

- Okay, um, I hear you and I see you

and I fear you and I'd do anything to make this right,

so, um, please, please allow me

to offer you 10% off of your meal.

- [laughing] Oh!

Now I need a--now--now--I--

now, I need a handout?

You think just because

I haven't paid off my student loans

and probably never will that I'm poor?

Ha-ha! Let me tell you something.

It's called "good debt."

- Oh, stupid Dilon. Stupid!

I'm truly sorry if my poor customer service

caused you any frustration. [tense notes]

I mean, you have every right to be happy.

Look at you. You're all fabulous and 40.

[soft tense music]

- Whoo!

Whoo!

40? Frustrated?

I have never been any of those things.

My life is perfect. And let me tell you what.

This is just a snack on my way to my beautiful home

where my man...

Dilantre also lives.

- Of course, miss.

- And he is just tired from a long day of working at NASA.

- Very, very hard job. - It is very hard.

And you know what else?

I'm just over here being selfish

only ordering food for myself.

He hates that about me.

You know what?

Give me a number two, a number seven,

a number nine, a number 18. Write it down.

- Mm-hmm. My pleasure. - Mm-hmm.

- Two, seven, nine?

- And a number 18. And you know what?

Add a number 11. That's Dilantre's favorite.

And also, I'm very rich!

- Okay, got it. And your order will be right up.

And I'm so sorry again. I'm so, so sorry.

- Hmph! Calling me single,

singularly focused on being dope? Hmph!

Broke? Ooh!

I own several guest towels and a KitchenAid stand mixer!

- Oh, I got another lady to buy up the entire kitchen.

[takes excited deep breath]

We'll be back in the black in no time.

Uh, Dilantre? [snorts]

Really? [door opens]

[chimes jingling]

- Hey.

Did you get number 11? You know that's my favorite.

[upbeat music]

- You know, people should vote. - Why?

So white people can make mayonnaise the national food?

No, thank you. When were you gonna tell me?

- That I could read? - Yes.

- I just--I just assumed.

- Who taught you? How many letters?

How many words?

Read this first line.

- The Earth is flat.

- Oh, and you're quick with it, too. I--

- You play too much. - I play like

every light-skinned actor in a Tyler Perry stage production.

- Oh, don't--don't. - Na...

omi Campbell. "The Notebook."

- Stop it right here, you hear me? Stop it.

- 1985.

That was a good year.

- Talking 'bout they was gonna write the 11th commandment.

[drawn-out scoffing laugh]

Where?

[chuckles] Period.

- [laughs]

- You never thought. - Stop.

- ♪ Never too much ♪

- [laughing] I'm sorry.

- And they have food. You have nothing.

- You know we don't have anything

'cause you supposed to bring it.

- Well, did you leave

your sacrificial lamb with the bouncer at the front?

- We couldn't afford one. - Did you get a ticket

for your food? I don't see tickets for food.

- Why did you invite us to this

if we were supposed to do all that?

- I invited you? - Mary.

- Maybe that was my assistant.

- I fell down a mound of olives in those.

I can't walk on water or land with those.

You remember the snake in the Garden of Eden?

He made those shoes. - Wait, I'm sorry.

You feel down a mound of olives?

[laughter]