All language subtitles for come.as.you.are.2019.1080p.web.h264-naisu

♪ I understand♪

♪ I understand♪

♪ Ladies, they love me
They know me ♪

♪ 'Cause I am the man♪

♪ I-I-I know it's hard ♪

♪ For you to comprehend♪

♪ I under-- I under--
I understand♪

♪ I got the mojo
Ladies, they wanna
Hop on it like pogo♪

♪ Haters act
Like they don't know
But they know though♪

♪ Life is a dance
And this is my solo, uh♪

♪ Ladies, they love me
They know me
'Cause I am the man♪

♪ I understand♪

♪ I understand
I understand♪

♪ I understand
I understand♪

♪ I am the man
I am the man♪

♪ I understand♪

Morning, bug.
You ready?

Let's get this show on the road.

-Give me a couple minutes, Mom?
-Not today.
You got early therapy.

-Alrighty, here we go.

That's one, two, buckle my bug.

And I don't know how many times
we can go through recycling.

You gotta break down your boxes.

You have to break down
your boxes, you know?

And also, the recycling,
it's ridiculous.

-Can you go around
just for today?
-I gotta get you clean.

-It's perfectly normal.
-You're right, Ma.

Twenty-four years old,
you're washing my balls.
It's perfectly normal.

It just seems very, very rude.
I mean, I don't know
how many times

you can email
and text and call.

You know, I just can't,
I can't go to everything.

I actually don't like to go
to the public movie theaters

because you don't know about
bedbugs and stuff like that.

I don't have to listen
to any rude teenagers or people
talking to the screen.

And you know how sometimes
when people say something funny
during the trailer,

and then they start
really feeling their oats,
and they just keep it going,

you know what I mean?
They should just quit
while they're ahead,

but they just keep on yapping.
Careful.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mo.

You have lovely hair.

Thanks, man.

Ah!

-Good morning, Mo.
-Hey, Sarah, how's it going?

-Pretty good. How are you?
-Good.

Uhm, hey, did you do
this new schedule?

-I did.
-Oh, you accidentally put
the new guy with Becky.

-Wasn't an accident.
-Mo, Scotty's going
to freak out.

Yeah, well, he led me
into the ladies' room
at the movie theaters is why.

No. Were there
other people in there?

Not at first, but then I guess
some big movie let out,

the women just kept on coming
and coming and coming,
so I just stayed in there.

Then I guess
another movie let out.
It must have been 45 minutes.

I went to the bathroom
two times.

-This is revenge.
-Oh.

-Hey, Scotty.
-Hi.

Hey, is that Scotty?
What's up, buddy?

-Who the hell's Matt?
-Mo did the schedule.

Mo, you blind douche fuck!

Is this about the ladies' room?
That was a joke.

Uhm, this is funnier.

Hey, I'm Matt Kwong.
I'm a new patient.

Oh, welcome.
Just sign in right here.

You're gonna
be with Becky in room one,
just right over there.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Excuse me.

Hi.

♪ I understand
I understand♪

♪ I am the man
I am the man♪

♪ I understand♪

Scotty. Morning.

What's the matter?

Look alive, boys!

-All right, asshole,
we're even.

Uh, look at the bright side.

At least with Renaldo,
you don't pitch
a tent during therapy.

What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?

When Becky was stretching
you out last week,
Ronnie walked by,

-said you were sporting
a full-on panhandle.
-That cocksucker.

Come on,
let's see what you got,
let's see what you got.

- Yeah! That's what
I'm talking about!
- Come on, Rick!

Steal second.

-Do you know
what you're saying?
-Nah, not really.

- Not at all.

-Oh, you fucking kidding me?
-What's going on?

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- I can't believe
this guy.
-Wait, where are you going?

Hey, yo, Biceps.

Just so we're clear,
there's a pecking order
around here.

The very top, me.
Down at the very bottom, you.

Becky's my physical therapist.
You get the hairy Spaniard.

I don't make the schedule, guy.

-Yo, yo, what are you doing?
-Say it! Becky's mine.

-What is wrong with you, man?
-Say it.

Yeah, yeah, Becky's yours.

-Shit.
-That's a grandma chair,
by the way.

You look fucking ridiculous
out here.
Get yourself a new chair.

- What's happening?
Here we go.

He gonna make it?

-Great job.
-Thanks, baby.

Yeah.

What are you looking at?

Sorry, man. no offense.
Just...

damn. Good for you.

You got it bad, huh?

-For what?
-Blue balls.

Shit, man, try fossilized.

Yeah.

I got something for you.

Here, take this.

What is this?

The answer to your prayers.

You'll thank me later.

You will.

All right.

Bonjour. My name is Philippe.
I am physically disabled.

For many years, I struggled
with sexual encounters.

It was really getting me down,
until I met a beautiful
professional like this one.

And then I decided
to open my own brothel
to help people like you.

Welcome to Le Chateau Paradis.

Come as you are.

-Good night, Mom.
-Good night, bug. I love you.

See you next week,
gorgeous.

-Stay out of trouble, killer.
-Oh, don't you tell me
what to do.

Yo, Biceps.
Hey, about last time, I'm sorry.
I was having an off day.

Yeah, don't sweat it.

-Matt, right?
-Yeah.

I'm Scotty. Let me buy you
a beer to make up for it.

-Nah, I got my mom with me.
-Yeah, me too.
We'll sit by ourselves.

It's important. I wanna talk
to you about something.

-You wanna-- move over.
-Yeah.

-You go first.
-Yep.

I was always
a straight-C student.
And that's a gentleman's C,

that's a gentleman C,
I was always a terrible,
terrible student.

Actually, on my SATs,
my math SAT...

-Forget them, cheers.
-Cheers.

Mm-hmm. Ah, that's nice.

-So, what happened to you?
-Wow, you don't beat
around the bush.

What's the point? You know
that's what everybody's
wondering anyway.

It's nothing to be
ashamed of. It's usually
a pretty good story.

I never said I was
ashamed of it.

-Don't you wanna know
why I am in this chair?
-No.

Congenital defect, baby.
I was born this way.

-My joints are for shit.
-What did you wanna
talk to me about?

Your sex life.

Uh-huh.

Come on, man.
What would you rather talk
about, interest rates?

-You're a virgin, right?
-Uh-- Wow, just--

That's a yes. Tell me
your junk still works 'cause
that would be a serious bummer.

No, it works.
It's just a little--

less predictable at times,
if you know what I mean.

-Do I know what you mean?
-Bro, I live
what you mean. Sip.

Oh.

-What's it to you?
-Well, besides my mouth,

about the only other thing
that works on my body
is my cock.

And I may be a cripple,
but I can still feel everything
and I got motherfucking needs,

you know what I mean?

Anyway, what if I told you
there was a place for guys
like us to get seriously laid?

Don't look at me
like I'm a perv.
We're in the same boat, dude.

I'm just honest about it.

Now the place is up in Montreal.

I checked out the website,
LeChateauParadis.ca.

'Cause you know, Canada.

And let me tell you, man,
the chicks are spectacular.

Why are you telling me all this?

Me and this blind dude, Mo,
from the clinic, are gonna go,

but we need one more guy
to split the cost of the van.

What, you're gonna drive there?

I priced the whole thing out
with a nurse driver.

The van fits three passengers,
plus chairs and gear.

We tell our parents
we're going up
to the Great Lakes or some shit,

and instead we do a border run
for a few days of getting
our knobs polished

by French-Canadian goddesses.
Sip.

-So, what do you say?
Are you in or are you in?
-I'm definitely out.

-Did you hear the part about
getting your knob polished?
-Mm-hmm.

Thanks for the offer,
but as much as it
may surprise you,

-I have a girlfriend.
-Seriously?

Yeah. Good luck on your trip.

-Take pictures.
-She hot?
Does she have cute friends?

Wait, come on man,
we could double date.
Help a brother out.

Shit.

So, you're gonna make
a wish when this falls off
or something?

Wanna guess
what I'm gonna wish for?

Uhm, that--

Matt.

-I thought you had a final.
-I got out early.

Uh, this is Bobby.

-We have Bio together.
-We were just studying.

I-I didn't realize you, uh--

Uhm--

You didn't realize what?

-Uh--
-That, uh--

Uh, uh--

Yeah, oh, you didn't realize
that she had a boyfriend.
That's what you're getting at.

No, I mean, she talks
about you all the time.

Oh.

Is that right?

I should get to class.
I'll call you later.

For the exam, I mean.

Sure, hope it's a speech class.

-We were just studying.
-No, don't insult me.

Please.

You know, I gave you an out

-when this all started.
-I didn't want out, Matt.

I had options too, you know.

But I waited for you.

I have to start thinking
about my future.

Bonjour. My name is Philippe.

-Jamie, can't you knock?
-Mom says dinner
in five minutes.

-Nice pictures by the way.
-Out.

What do you guys think about...

me going on a road trip
with some guys up north,

maybe around the Great Lakes?

Well, it seems
hardly like a good time, Matty,

with everything
that's going on.

Well, I mean, that's
exactly why I wanna go.

It seems
like I'm doing nothing

but going to doctors
and therapy.

We're going up to Grandma's
for a long weekend next month.

You could invite Jennifer.

I asked to go on a road trip
with some guys,

and you counter
with a weekend at Grandma's.

Well, we're gonna have to say
no on this one, Matty.

I'm sorry.

♪ Half man and half machine♪

♪ Not talking about the chair
But what's in between
My legs♪

♪ Girl, take your time
You don't need to be quick♪

♪ Come and get your some
Of this quadriplegic♪

-What the fuck?
-You have a visitor.

What's up?

I like these ferns.

Yeah, they're, uh--

-Yeah, they're, you know.
-Listen, I've been thinking
about your idea.

My parents say it's a no-go.

Now that our moms talk,
if we were to do this,

-it has to be totally
black ops, you follow?
-I think so, yeah.

It means your mom
can't help you pack,

she can't help you pay for it.

Okay, might need
a cheaper driver.

I've been saving up some money
for an iPad comm system,

but fucking honeys
come first.

I say we go sooner,
like next week.

Whoa. Why the rush?

You-- you never know.

I mean, if we're gonna do this,
let's do it.

Okay.
What about your girlfriend?

Just get Mo over here.
Let's start planning.

-Mo?
-Yeah, Mo.

Your friend Mo.
You said he was down, right?

Mo, yeah, yeah, yeah,
no, he's down.

He's probably most likely down.

He's probably most likely down.
What do you mean?

I haven't exactly asked him yet.

-You haven't asked him yet?!
-Shh! Keep it down.

I was worried if there were
too many variables,
you'd say no.

Then if you said yes,
I'd have time to work on Mo.

Now all of a sudden,
you're in a big fucking hurry,

and I don't have
everything worked out just yet.
But it's fine.

I'll get Mo on the horn,
just convince him to go.

-Hey, look at me, trust
me. I can handle Mo.

A brothel in Quebec?
What are you-- no way!

Could you take your tampon out
for half a goddamn minute

while we tell you the details
at least?

Let me tell you
a little something
about Canada.

Fact: The Canadian government
has been cracking down

on erotic massage parlors
since 2014.

Fact: Arrested sex workers
have tripled
in the last two years.

Fact: It's only illegal
to buy sexual services.
You can still make donations.

I looked this up too.
And fact: When's the last
time you got laid, Mo?

-Oh, that's right, never.
-Oh, well unlike you Scotty,

that's not all I ever think
about. What I do think
about is logistics.

Do you know this would take
months, months of planning?

-Of course, you don't know that.
-Me and Biceps have planned
the whole route.

-I fucking hate that name.
-We got hotel rooms booked
at every stop.

-What? No!
-We budgeted all the meals.
Why are you undermining me?

You are making us look
fucking weak right now.

-Shut the fuck up!
-Look, Mo, Mo, look, listen.

Part of the fun is that this
is spontaneous, okay?

When's the last time you
did something kind of crazy?

Yeah, look, here's the thing.
I don't do spontaneous things.
That's not my thing.

I don't even know
why you need me.

The van fits three,
but only two wheelchairs,

and I don't happen to know
any other disabled virgins

with working legs
and enough cash.

You know what?
Nice meeting you, Muscles.

-Go fuck yourself, Scotty.
-Wow.

-You are horrible at this.
-No, no, you know what?

You're a fucking mule.
You're so stubborn.

You gotta know when you lost
somebody. He's out.

I'll put an ad out
on Craigslist
or something.

-Let's go.
-Yeah, do a Craigslist ad.

-Virgins looking
for more virgins.
-I don't even want you to come.

-We're gonna have a great time.
Go fuck yourself.
-Great sales pitch,

and then now
you're getting on Craigslist.

Mo, Mo, let me talk
to you for a second.

It's like he went
to business school.
Guy just knows what he's doing.

-Fucking prick.
-First of all,
my sincerest apologies.

How you are friends
with that guy
is totally beyond me.

Okay, look, all that stuff
about the brothel,
about the getting laid,

all that stuff,
that's Scotty, okay?

That's not me.
What I'm proposing--

What we're proposing is a trip
away from Littleton.

Okay? With just us guys,
away from parents,
from the clinics, from the doc--

It's just, I don't know
about you,

okay, but I--

I need to get out.

I could use a field trip.

It's like a--

It's like a road trip.

Promise you won't do
anything illegal?

Did I get to him?

Damn it, Jamie. How many times
do I have to tell you?

Hey, hey.

What's wrong?

I don't wanna fight
with you anymore.

Hey, can I ask you something?

It's gotta be a secret though.

You can't tell Mom and Dad.

Fuck.

Yo, sent you the itinerary.

Print it out, read
the file, leave no trace.

Found us a cheaper driver.
His name is Sam.

Van looks like shit,
but the price is right.

Make sure he
has a valid passport.

We don't wanna any snafus
at the border.

What's a snafu?

-What about this one?
-Are you kidding? That's ugly.

What does that--
Jamaica. It says Jamaica. What
am I gonna do with Jamaica?

-I can't read your fucking
shirt, Scotty.
-That's true. Put it in the bag.

-Yup.
-Operation Copulation is a go.

We're not calling it that.
See you at six.

I know it seems silly,
but I'd like to think
I'm watching it in a wry eye,

with an ironic eye,
not earnestly.

Here, not earnestly watch.
I'm so sorry. Here.

Oh, he did not give her a rose.
You gotta be shitting me.

Goddamn it, Mom!
How hard is it
to aim for my mouth?

I'm sorry! But did you
see who he kept?
Total bitch, total bitch.

I'm sorry! I'm just compelled
to watch shows I hate.

-I'll eat tomorrow, I guess.
-Come back. Come on.

-Hey, bug, you can't sleep
in your chair.

Leave me alone.

-Set alarm for five a.m.
- Sorry,
I'm not sure I understand.

-Set alarm for five a.m.
-I set an alarm for five a.m.

Okay.

Light off.

-Seriously?
-To remind you of me.

Fuck.

-Matt?
-Yeah. Where's--
where's Scotty?

I don't know, man. He's late.

This is a horrible idea.

He's not reliable.
I'll tell you that much.

You think it ends here?
Big shocker, huh?

I'm worried. If he's gonna
be tardy all over the place,

-it's probably messed--
-Shit.

What?

I guess Sam's a woman?

- Sam the driver?
- Sam the driver
is a woman.

We can't do this with a woman.
I'm not going to a brothel
with a woman.

Well, it's too late to cancel.

I can't do this
with a woman. I can't go
to a brothel with a woman.

You know what?
Everything's messed up here.

-Scotty's not here,
we got a woman for a driver--
-Shh. Hi, Sam.

-Hey, is that Sam? Hey.
-Thank you.

Looking forward
to our trip together.
I'm Mo, this--

-She's friendly.
-Yeah, she's chill.

-Yeah, all the signs
are real positive.
-Yeah, let's go, let's go.

-Yeah, we're off
to a great start.
-Hey, Sam?

We need one extra stop, please.

Fuck!

Come on. Come on. Come on!

Right here on the right.
Just pull up to the curb.

I told him
to set two alarms.

He's got no respect
for other people's time.

I told him we're on a schedule.
Do not be late. Be early.

Fuck!

It was his plan.
But he doesn't care.
He doesn't have respect.

-Yo, if he chickened out,
we have to pay for it.
-I'm not paying for it.

There he is.

- Where have you been?
-Grab my pouch, on the ground.

Who the hell are you? Matt.

-Yeah, just get in.
-Who the hell is she?

- I told you
to set two alarms.
-I thought we had a guy driver.

-I told you we're
on a tight schedule.
-You're ramming me.

-I'm not ramming you. Get back.
- You have no respect
for anyone else's time.

-Shut up! I had a thing.
- You're the most unreliable
person I've ever met in my life.

- What's with you ramming
into me all the time?
- Just move back.

Just hold on.
I'm just gonna walk.

Whoo!

-Whoo!
-Whoo!

-Road trip!
-Field trip!

Road trip! Road trip.

Scotty.

-Ah, shit, it's my parents.
-What?

-It's my parents.
-Take mine out, will you?

-Wait, what happened?
-Where is it?

It's in the pouch.

-Dude, it's your mom too.
-Shit. Toss it.

-What?
-Seriously, toss it out
the window. They can track us.

It's the cost of freedom.
Do it.

-Mo, you too.
-Did he just throw
his phone out?

- Mo, do it!
-I'm not throwing my phone out!

- Mo, throw it.
- Mo, throw
your phone out!

-My mom knows you.
She knows your mom.
-It's a brand-new phone, man!

-You know-- Fine!
- Do it!

What was that?

It's my sim card.
I threw out my sim card.

-Fuck, that's a better idea.
- So stupid.

-Okay.
-What's happening?
Why are we stopping?

-Hey.
-What the fuck is going on here?

We're taking a trip.
The rest is none
of your business.

-Who is this chick, dude?
-None of my business?

You know what? It actually is
my business if you're
not supposed to go.

Hey, we're all adults
here, sweetheart.

What, just because I'm
in a chair means I can't make
a decision for myself?

-I'm sorry.
Who the fuck is sweetheart?
-Scotty.

No, no, no. I wanna hear
what she has to say.

Go on, sweetheart,
what are you gonna say?

Okay, great, so I'm sweetheart.
Let me tell you something, okay?

You call me sweetheart one
more time, I'm gonna bust
you in your fucking face.

And I don't give a shit
about your bitch-ass chair.

Huh? Huh?

All right, no, that's cool
because I'm gonna refund
half of y'all goddamn money

because I don't need none
of this bullshit.

I'm gonna drop
y'all back and go about
my goddamn business.

No, no, Sam, Sam,
I'm sorry. Please,
just listen to me for a second.

I'm so sorry about Scotty.
Forget him, okay?

Look, how about this?

How about to make up for the
stress of this departure,

we give you
a little extra money,

as long as you agree
to maybe keep moving forward?

And why the secrecy?

Look.

Our parents are very
good people, but...

You know, they don't really--

They can be
a little overbearing.

I'm thirty-five years old, Sam.

I've never been on a trip
without my mom,
much less a real field trip.

And honestly, if it was up
to my mom, I don't know
that I ever would.

Please, I need this, Sam.

Am I gonna get any more bullshit
from sweetheart back there?

-Oh, I'm sweetheart now?
-Yes.

-So, sweetheart,
you gonna be a problem?
-Scotty.

-I'm good.
-Fucking better be.

Jamie, pumpkin,
this is not a joke.

Your brother's in no condition
to be traveling.
Now where did they go?

-I'll take your bike
away for a month.
-Honey, please answer us.

-And your American Girl dolls.
-Matty may need our help
right now, sweetie.

-And your phone.
-What?

Okay, fine.
They went up north.
That's all I know.

-Hello?
-Roger, it's Liz.

I know where they're
staying tonight.

♪ I stepped in this bitch
Like where's my damn crown♪

♪ Never talk back, bitch
I'm the king now♪

♪ If you can't
Back the shit talk
Calm your ass down♪

♪ Can't take this shit talk
Calm your ass down♪

♪ Hella sarcastic crass
And ass backwards♪

♪ You can get your ass kicked
Please don't get dramatic♪

♪ Motherfuck the whole earth
Make the ho climactic♪

All right, guys.

All right, who's paying?

I'll get this one.

Thank you.

Don't buy any food
because packed sandwiches
for lunch.

Okay, but I'm gonna buy
some vacation candy.
Do you want some?

I can't do sweets, but have
them put forty on pump three.

All right, it's your vacation.

Hey, yo, Mo, you going in?
Score me a nudie mag, dude.

What? No, no.

-Goddamn it, Mo!
-No, man, I wouldn't even know
which one it is, okay?

Top shelf on the magazine rack,
covered in plastic.

-I'm not picky.
Grab whichever one you want.

What's up?

♪ Now I don't need
Distractions♪

♪ Semiautomatic
There's bullet holes
In my alley♪

♪ Yeah, I'm feeling my stuff
And I got room
For much more bragging♪

♪ Hey, I seen a honey last year
Money bag it♪

♪ Nah, they be on my dick
Gotta make her beg
Bfore she can have it♪

♪ My people win regardless
Got great to start
from starving♪

♪ I sold a million seats
Now I'm just waiting
for that harvest♪

♪ I been climbing
You don't know how long
It took me so now♪

♪ I'm gonna have to grab
The whole world by the pussy♪

I need you to stop. Forever.

Mo, you fucking moron.
A bridal magazine?

-It's a bridal magazine?
-What the hell am I supposed
to do with a--

Actually, I can make this work.

You guys, go get
yourselves some dinner.
I'm gonna check us in.

But first I'm gonna
need my per diem.

I got gas.

- I got it. In my pouch.
-Okay.

Now we agreed on 50,

but we also agreed
that I would be getting extra

for dealing
with all that bullshit
I dealt with earlier.

Great. I will take the hundred.

Put it right in the bank.

Have a nice dinner.

I really believe
I would be just as much a virgin

-even if I could see perfectly.
-No, I hundred percent
agree with you.

20/20 vision,
I'd still have zero sex.

You know what? A toast.
Can we make a toast right now?

-Yes, we can.
-It's just who I am.

-Hey, I'm making a toast.
-We're making a toast.

We're making a toast. Drinks up.

To our road trip.

No, no, no, our--
To our pilgrimage.

And to the bevy
of beauties awaiting us
at Le Chateau Paradis.

Or paradise in French, right?

-It means heaven.
-It's heaven. It means heaven.

-What does?
-Paradis, heaven.

Whatever, man. Mo, it's
my toast, and I'm saying--

-It's an inaccurate toast.
-For the sake of this--
you know what?

I wish you were mute
instead of blind.

Guys, guys, guys,
come on, come on. Come on now.

-Okay, okay,
but most importantly--
-Yeah.

to our boners.

Scotty, shh.

I'm having a moment.
Can I have it?

You guys never
let me have a moment.

You're always interrupting
me and cutting me off.

You can have your moment.
You can have your moment.

Can we just drink
the fucking beer, man?

-Indoor voice, man.
-Okay, fine, indoor.

Shh, okay, okay, okay.
All right, quiet.

To our boners!

For though our sight
may have faltered,
our legs given out,

our joints railed against us,

our cocks stand strong
and ready to serve us

-in the pursuit
of life and liberty--
-Let's wrap it up.

and the chase of the
inevitable hoo-hoo,

the ineffable hoo-hoo,

to old one-eye,
may he stand tall-- go ahead,
get ready to cheer.

may he stand tall--
I'm almost done--
and do us proud.

-Huh? Yeah.
-We're sorry.

We're not sorry.

-I'm so glad I can't see this.
-None of us is sorry.
Eat your food.

Okay. What do you
wanna sleep in?

Oh, I free-ball.
I like letting my boys breathe.

-Got sweats in my bag.
-Sweats in your bag, okay.

-Hey, quick game
before lights out?
-Yeah, sure.

-You okay?
-Uh, yeah, I'm fine.
I just got a little bit dizzy.

Happens when I drop chaff
for the ladies.

-Sam?
-What?

Sam? Holy shit! Sam!

- What's going on?
-Sam!

-Check her pulse. Is she dead?
- What's happening?

-Sam. Shit.
-No, she just passed out.

Mo, call 911, call 911.

Uh, well, don't just sit there.
Give her CPR or something!

You don't give CPR to someone
who's breathing, dipshit.

-I don't know!
-Mo, Mo, I'll handle it.
Just help her out.

- Easy, watch her head,
watch her head.
-Oh fuck! She's--

Sam.

Those are her tits!
What are you doing?

You told me to help,
I'm trying to help!

Well, don't cop a feel! Jesus!

Hi. Um, uh, I need an ambulance
in room 103, please.

-Now you're smothering her.
-Shut the fuck up.

- Her heart's racing.
-That's probably you.

She has
acute hypoglycemia.
She's diabetic.

She'll be fine, but we're gonna
take her in as a precaution.

You guys okay without her?

Yeah. Yeah, we'll be okay.
Um, when will she be back?

We'll probably keep
her overnight.
She'll be back in the morning.

Thank you.

Relax, it's over.
Everyone lived.

What if she's not okay, man?
What if she doesn't come back?

We're not stranded
in the wilderness.
We're in a two-star motel.

I guarantee you they have
porn on these TVs.

We can take care of each
other for one night,
help each other out, yeah?

Yes! Unlimited adult
content, 12.99.

Don't waste our money
on that, please.

- I'm not watching
that with you.
-God, I wish I could jerk off.

-You have no idea
how lucky you are.
-Ah, shit!

Sam has the room keys.

I have these car keys though.
That's useful.

-I'm gonna go down to the lobby.
- I'm ordering the porn!

Mo, grab the remote.

Mo? Hey, Mo, you know
what'll make you feel better?

Unlimited adult content, 12.99.

Mo, are you crying?

Scotty.

I'm gonna take that remote,

and I'm gonna beat
your dick with it.

Here you go.

And don't forget to fill out
that survey that we sent you

with the email confirmation.

You can get a free TV dinner

from the vending machine.

-Okay, thanks.
-No problem.

Hey, when did you
send the email?

Uh, you should have got
it this morning.

We just sent it
to the email we had on file.

What's the squishy sound?

It's lube mixed with pu--

She brought lube?

Scotty, does your mom have
access to your email?

Yeah, but I deleted everything.
Scorched earth.

Hey, check this out.
We're watching Anal Therapy III.

This place, they sent you
an email confirmation
this morning.

Shit, my mom
will definitely check.

Littleton is nine
hours from here.

If they received the email
this morning, that means
right now, they'd be around...

-Shit.
-This is real bad. We gotta go.

We gotta go right now.

We're five minutes away.
Yeah, Liz, next right,
next right.

Okay, well, I'll call
you from there, okay?
When we get there.

I'll see if we can get us a cab.

My chair can't fit in a cab,
come on!

-Where are we going?
-To the van.

Scotty. Hey, not to nitpick,

but what are we gonna do
when we get to the van?

All right.

You guys realize
I'm blind, right?

-Yeah, just find
the brake. I got this.
-Okay, okay, what do I do?

-On the floor, Mo.
-Mo, on the floor.

I was just getting another--

-Okay. Your right foot
on the left pedal.
-Right, of course, right.

-Right foot.
-No, I got it, right.

You got it? Okay.
This is a terrible idea.

-You got a better one?
-Please don't make me
drive, guys, please.

Mo, it's okay.
Okay, so right foot on
left pedal, right?

That's home base,
so whenever I say go home,
that's your home base.

-Go home, got it. Okay?
-Whenever in doubt, go home.

-Go home.
- Okay?

-Bogey at 10 o'clock.
-Mo, Mo, we gotta go.

You can do this, okay?
Scotty, give him
some fucking encouragement.

-Don't fucking kill us, Mo.
- Scotty!

Sorry, sorry.

You're gonna be great, Mo.

Just, you know, most people
drive like they're blind anyway,

so you got this in the bag.

Okay, Mo, I'm gonna put
the car into gear,

and on my signal, I want you
to slowly take your right foot
off the brake, on my signal.

-Okay.
-Okay?

Now slowly take your right foot
off the brake now.

You're doing great.
A little more, a little more.

-The brake, the brake,
pull the brake!
- Fuck!

What happened?

-What do you mean,
what happened?
-What'd I hit?

-It's okay.
- Fuck!

-All right, guys,
it's now or never.
- No, never.

Mo?

Give it some gas.

They say that there's
like something going on
where their bed is making noise

when they're not on the bed,
and so it sounds like they're
concerned

about if there's some kind
of paranormal activity
or something like--

What the guy said happened was--
Totally, one second,
totally, totally.

That he was sitting
on the toilet, and he saw
the sheets and the blanket

fly off the bed
of their own volition
or whatever.

Look, are you able
to come down and talk
to them because if I tell him

that that didn't happen,
I feel like I'm saying
that there's like something

going on with his room that--

I don't know if this guy
has a past in some way.
Do you know what I mean by that?

-This is gonna work.
-Okay, I'm fucking driving.

-You got this.
-Okay.

-You got this!
-Shh!

All right, Mo, you're coming
up at a light, okay?

I need you to hit easy brake.

-Easy brake, a little bit more.
-Harder.

-Mo, a little harder.
-Mo, Mo. Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo--

- Stop!

What are you, blind?

This may be the worst
idea I've ever had.

Mo, when I tell you to stop,
I really need you to stop, okay?

When I fucking tell you,
I can't drive a fucking van,
I can't drive a fucking van!

-Okay, guys,
let's just chill out.
-We're gonna go to jail.

We're not going
to jail. Just chill out.

All right, listen.
Hang a right,
pull onto the highway.

We gotta find somewhere
else to crash.

- Mo. Mo.
The fucking highway!

Management! Open up!

No, they're not here.

All their stuff is gone.

What?

No, no.
That's just the neighbors.

How do you...

Looks like they got
the unlimited adult
content package.

I'll have to call you back.

So many channels.

Can someone
flip on my light?

Kind of busy here, dude.

I can't navigate if I can't see.

All right, Mo, remember ten
and two, what I told you?

Yeah. Just like that,
just hold it steady.

You don't have
to hold it so tight.

Just keep it steady,
keep it straight, okay?
Just breathe. You're okay.

-How's that, MapQuest?
-MapQuest.

I think I'm starting
to get the hang of this.

Mo, Mo, go home!

Mo, Mo, the brake!
Mo, the brake!

Fuck!

Is everyone okay?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
you guys. I can't move
my legs!

-Mo, you okay?
-I lost my glasses.

-It's right here,
it's right here.
-I lost my fucking glasses.

It's right here.
It's around your neck,
it's around your neck.

-Woo!
- Grab it. You have it.

You hurt? Are you hurt anywhere?

I think I'm okay.
Where are we?

I don't know.
We're not driving anymore.

You can take your hands
off the wheel.

I didn't wanna fucking drive!
I told you I didn't wanna
fucking drive!

-Mo should always drive.
-It was an accident.

It was nobody's fault.
Mo can't drive. Got it.

-Highlight of the trip so far.
-Scotty, don't, don't, just...

-Ow! That was my dick.
-Stop. Stop. Both of you.

Quiet.

I'm gonna try to flag
someone down.

Or not.

Scotty,

remember when you said
we're not stranded
in the wilderness?

Don't say shit
like that ever again.

Where are we?
We're in the wilderness?

Act really cool. Just act cool.

Whoa. You see that?

He's got somewhere else to go.

We're good.

Oh, shit.

-What?
-Oh, shit, oh, shit.

Let me handle it, okay?

Just let me handle it.

Hello, officer.

Oh, shit.

-Is your vehicle
back there, the van?
-Yeah, it is.

-Which one of you is driving?
-Sort of a team effort.

-Yeah, I did the pedals.
-They-- They are kidding.

Our driver bailed to get help.
That's why we're out here.

Yeah.

Everybody okay?

Yeah, yeah, we swerved
to avoid a deer,

so that's how we ended
up in a ditch.

It was a deer.

227, I've got two
handicapped gentlemen.

Sorry. Person
with disabilities, please.

Two persons with disabilities
and a blind guy.

Um, excuse me,
it's visually impaired.

Yup.

Visually impaired gentleman.

Um, gonna need
a tow truck and a van
equipped for the disabled--

the, um, persons
with disabilities.

Copy that.

My cousin's brother-in-law has
Down Syndrome, so... I know.

-You good?
-Yeah, we're good, thank you.

-Not good.
-She sounds happy.

She's not.

Does somebody
wanna explain to me

what in the entire
fuck my van

was doing in a ditch
on the side of the highway?

Oh, my God. You fuckers.
This was a group decision.

Our parents showed
up at the motel.
We had to bolt.

-What are y'all keeping from me?
-We just told you.
Our parents were gonna squash

the trip, and that's why-- yeah.

Uh-huh! Bullshit, okay?
This is not adding up.

I want all the cards
on the table right now
or we won't go anywhere.

I'll stay right here.

Shit. Mo, Mo.

What? No, Matt,
you go talk to her.

You talk to her.

-She likes Mo.
-She's very scary.

-Mo, just go make out with her.
-I don't care if she liked--

Hey, hey, hey,
do not mention the brothel.

Just don't mention the brothel.
Seriously, yeah.

Was that a yes? Shit.

He's gonna--
I give him 45 seconds
before he brings it up.

-Sorry about the seat.
I had to move it.
-You drove?

Well, it's a long st--

we were really worried
about you.

Look, it's not
gonna happen again, if that's
what you're worried about.

No, Sam, we were worried
about you.

I'm just glad you're okay.

It was scary, you know?

Look, it's, um.

It's really awkward
to talk about.

But you know,

you don't get it.
Guys like us, we--

we have a tough time
with women.

It's not like we're insensitive
to the moral complications.

By the way, I would never,
ever-- I would never take
advantage of anyone.

It's just, it's not easy for us
with the opposite sex,

and Scotty found a place
that, you know, caters

to, you know, guys like us.

Ah, you're going to get laid.

Me, no. I would-- but we,
I mean, I would never--

we are
as buddies on a field trip.

We're just-- yeah.

Thank God.
I thought you guys had
a suicide pact or something.

-Suicide pact? What?
-Or maybe you were
across-the-border drug mules.

-I really don't know you, so...
-No! No, we're not drug mules.

No, that's absurd.
No, we're just, uh, virgins.

Okay.

She's coming back. I cannot--
I can't read her face.

I'll let you know right now.

If you want me in the room,
that's gonna be extra.

-What room?
-Yeah.

-In the room with the hooker.
- Mo!

You had one thing
not to say, and you said it.

She thought we had
a suicide pact.

Why would we have
a suicide pact?

I have no idea,
but I see a lot of weird shit
on this job, okay?

Does that mean we're good to go?

Yeah, I'm not your mama.

I'm not your mama,
I'm not your girlfriend,

and as long as you're a
hundred percent honest with me,

we're good.
Let's get in the van.

- Mo.
- Mo.

-What the hell?
-Dude, if we're gonna
listen to you,

can we at least listen
to some of your stuff?

Some Scotty B?

Hey, you guys
know that Scotty has
a secret life as a rapper?

- Dude, don't be douche.
- I was rolling up
to his room,

and I saw him in the middle
of spitting his game.

-Oh, man, do you want me
to kick a beat for you?
-Yeah!

-Want a fresh beat?
- Wait, is that serious?

-Holy shit!
-Let's do it, Scotty.

-Come on, man!
-Sam, you're good at that.

-Come on, Scotty.
-♪ My name is Scotty ♪

♪ And I cannot rap
My name is Scotty ♪

-Okay, I can't keep going.
-Fuck you guys.

What, you can dish it,
but you can't take it?

Who's at home missing
you tonight?

Um, just my mom.

Though I'll tell you
a little secret.

I told her about this trip
the night before we left.

How'd she take it?

-She cried.
-Aw.

Yeah, but then she actually
wanted me to go.

She said she'd keep the secret.

Sweet. Her 35-year-old baby is
about to lose his virginity.

-Ha-ha.

What about you?
Who do you have at home?

No one, really. I, um,

I used to be married,
but not anymore, thankfully.

-What happened?
-Oh, I shot him.

-What?

I shot him in the ass
with some insulin.

-Wait, really?
-Yeah really.

He was on top
of our neighbor at the time,

so serves him right.

I mean, it was super fun
when I was doing it,

but, uh, then I lost
my nursing license
for three years. And--

So now I'm single.

Can I ask you
a question? Uh--

you know, this is
my first time doing this,

and I was thinking
maybe since you're a nurse
that you could...

Wait. Do you think
that just because I'm a nurse,

-I can give you
like sex tips?
-Well, I mean, yeah.

Okay, you are
clearly as confused

about the concept
of nursing as you are
about the concept of sex.

Okay, I mean, now I am, yeah.

Okay, I'm sorry.
Just let biology take over.

Don't plan anything.

Where's that money?

-Oh, uh, it's, um--
-Oh, right here.

-No, I got-- Oh, sorry.
-Sorry.

-Oh, I see it.
-There it is.

Thank you.

Nice tattoo.

You felt that?

Yeah, the ink,
it raises the skin.

-Sorry, I didn't mean to.
-No, it's okay.

Do you think I can, um,

I bet if I touch it,
I could tell you.

Like that's a branch--
no, I mean, uh--

that's a small wing.

Okay.

Little bird?

Is that a goldfinch?

-Wow.

- Move it!

Ugh, sorry.

♪ Straightjacket living
But I ain't no Houdini♪

♪ Born inside a cage
But nobody can free me♪

♪ Everybody looking
But don't nobody see me♪

♪ It's like God gave me
This body to tease me
Believe me♪

♪ Sometimes I wish
That I was just a head♪

♪ That maybe I would actually
Get ahead♪

♪ Instead
I'm fucking sitting here
Stuck in cement♪

♪ Like Christopher Reeve
Long after Clark Kent♪

♪ At least he got to fly
Play a man who was super♪

♪ I can't even take
An unassisted poop♪

♪ But fuck your pity
And fuck your stares♪

♪ And if you ain't got a ramp
Then fuck your stair--
Stairs♪

I think it's time
to call the police.

They went on a trip, Roger.
They didn't get kidnapped.

You know, Matt
wouldn't have done this,
unless he had a reason.

I'm at a loss.

Hi. I'm trying to locate
my son, who may have used
your services to take a trip.

Last name, Kwong,
also might be under Brandt.

♪ Hey, baby, open up
I'm standing'
Right at your door♪

♪ Hey, baby, open up
I'm standing'
Right at your door♪

♪ I've been gone too long
And I miss you to the core♪

♪ I wanna hug
And kiss you, baby♪

♪ I wanna love you
all night long♪

♪ I'm gonna hug
And kiss you, baby♪

♪ Gonna love ya
All night long♪

-Hey, where you going?
-In for the kill.

Nice. We'll be here.

Cute girls?

This place is
like a babe vortex.

No wonder I wasn't
getting laid back home.
All the hotties were here.

Yeah, it's got nothing to do
with your rancid personality.

Wait, hold up.
What about Sarah, man?

From the clinic?
What about her?

-She likes you, man.
-Get the fuck out of here.

Fact, every time you
come in there, she starts
biting her fingernails.

-How do you know that?
-Well, because, you know,
I pay attention, unlike you

because you're too busy
always eye-groping Becky's,
you know, big...

-You talking about titties?
-Yup.

-Okay.
-First of all,
I don't eye-grope, okay?

I happen to live at tit level.

Everywhere I go,
all I see are tits, tits, tits.

That's the personality
I was talking about.

What's going on?
Cute girls?

-Oh.
- See what I mean?

-Okay, I get it.
-If Sarah is so awesome,
why don't you just ask her out?

No, man, not my type.

-What is that, exactly?
-What is my--

my type is like, uh, I like...

-Hey, you guys ready
for another drink?
-Yes, absolutely.

-Nah, I'm good.
-Mo, grow a scrotum.

You're getting fucked up
with us tonight.

All right, I'll have one
more vodka cran. That's it.

-Whiskey. You got it.
-Here we go.

-She's growing on me.
-Yeah, man, she's cool.

It was a bachelorette party,
and most of them have
boyfriends.

-Over there?
-Mm-hmm.

-Aw.
-We can do better.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

-I'll come with you.
-I'll hold the fort.

Excuse me.

I'm never going home.

Hey, check it out.
I think the Special Olympics
are in town.

What's that called,
the blind leading the cripple?

Come one, come on!

Hi, I'm trying to locate my son,
who might have used
your services to take a trip.

Last name, Kwong,
also might be under Brandt.

You do?

What's up, baby girl?
I like a lady with some junk
in her trunk.

-Blow me, asshole.
-That's a compliment, bitch.

Look, who is you
calling a bitch?

Yo, why don't you take
your girlfriend home
before I beat her ass?

She's a feisty one too, huh?
I like that.

Do you? Do you like that?
What are you doing?

Oh, shit, seriously?
You're with Special Olympics?

You're gonna apologize to her
right now, or you will be sorry.

Oh, this guy wants to fight me.
Oh, I love it.

You're lucky, bro.
You don't have to look at her.
She's a real two-bag special.

-Fuck you.
- Forget him. Let's go.

-No, man, she's coming around.
-Oh! Shit.

-Oh, yeah?
-What are you--

- Did you just hit him?
-Bitch!

We have to go.
Okay, we have to go. Matt!

You just fucked up. Oh!

Aah!

Jesus!

-Woo!

-Like when I came
at that guy with my chair?
-Incredible.

Can we not get cocky?
It was three on one, all right?

Yeah, but we're a good team.
We're like the--
we're like the dynamic duo.

-Yeah, we should go pro.
-We should go semi-pro at least.

Hey, that looks
pretty fun up there.

Mo, you got legs.
Show us what you got.

-Oh, no, no, I don't dance.
-Come on!

-I do not dance.
-You don't dance?

-No.
-Put your drink down.

-No, no, I'm serious.
- Yes.

-Okay.
- Oh, this is happening.

- No, no, no
- Yes. Yes.

Oh, this'll be a disaster.
Hey, hey, Matt, where you going?

Don't leave me here, dude.

Matt.

Hey.

Give me another shot.

So are you guys like hanging
out here for a little bit,

-or are you...
-We're on our way to Montreal.

-Okay.
-Yeah, because there's
a great hiking trail there.

That was a joke.

-I got it, I got it.
-I'm glad you got it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Time to go, Romeo.

Hey, you guys go on ahead.
I think I'm gonna hang back.

-How you gonna get back
to the hotel?
-I'll figure it out.

- You sure?
-Yeah.

- He's fine. Let's go.
-Be safe.

Have fun with your bachelorette.

- Uh!

Hey, uh, sorry I missed
your call. What's up?

Yeah, they're with me. Why?

I love this city
in the summer. It gets so hot.

-Cold as fuck during the winter.
-Yeah, exactly.

You know what one
of my favorite things
to do in the summer is?

-What?
-Swim in Lake Michigan.

-Wait, have you been
to the beach yet?
-No, no, I haven't.

Oh, so we should go?

-You mean like right now?
-Yeah.

What, you're serious?
I mean, are we even allowed
to be there at night?

No.

But...

It is the only time
that we can go skinny dipping.

Can you swim?

I got arms.

What do I do? What do I do?

-Aah!
-What do I need to do?

Oh, my head feels
like a hurt factory.

Maybe because you dropped it
like a bunker bus around
that guy's face last night.

What was that thing
you made me drink?

It's called the Dirty Sanchez.

Bald Turkey whiskey
and 151 Bacardi,
a shot of espresso.

You did four.

-What?
-Mm-hmm.

It vastly improved
your dance moves though.

Where's Scotty?

I think he had
a rough night, man.

What happened?

I don't know, man.
I think sometimes he hurts
more than we know.

Fuck's taking so long up here?

Hey, man, I heard you
had a rough night.

Listen, I know what it's like.

Got some pills here
if you want to take,

-take the edge off for you.
-What'd you say?

-I said I have a bunch
of pain pills that you can take.
-You know what it's like?

Yeah, dude. You're
not the only one with problems.

Really?

You think just
because you're in that chair

it makes us anything alike?

Come talk to me when you
can't take a shit by yourself.

Talk to me when you
spend a night crawling
out of your skin

because you can't move.
You know what it's like?

Try this on for size.
You don't know dick.

-Ugh, finally.

Do you have any idea
how irresponsible you've been?

Come on.

Do you realize
I had to cancel
very important business calls?

How could you not tell
us that you were leaving?

We ditched our phones that's
why we weren't picking up.

We thought you were dead.
We were so scared.

Oh, my God, that's so dramatic,
so dramatic!

I was so scared.

We're not kids!
We're grown ass men!

If we wanna go
on a fucking trip,
we can go on a fucking trip!

-Scotty, calm down, man.
-No!

I've been putting up
with this bullshit
all my life, okay?

-Oh, Scott!
-Yeah.

It's been so hard for you.
So melodramatic? Oh, my God.

I'm melodramatic? I'm not
the one who chased their kid
all the way to fucking--

-That's enough, okay?
We're leaving.
-What do you mean?

-We've got a plane to catch.
-No.

-Matthew, this is not
up for discussion.
-Stop it! Stop!

-Come on, Matthew.
-We're going to a brothel.

What the fuck, Matt?

For the record,
this was not my idea.

These guys wanted
to lose their virginity,
and I, you know--

I thought we were going
on a fun field trip.

Stop calling it a field trip.
It's not a fucking field trip.

-What is it, the fifth grade?
-Oh, then what is it?

-It's a road trip!
-What's the difference?

-Twenty years!
-You know what?
I'm with Mo on this.

Well, congratulations.
You ruined everything.

You ruined last night.
You're ruining this.

You're a selfish prick.

I'm a selfish fucking prick.
I'm a selfish fucking prick?

-I'm a selfish
fucking prick? Fuck you!
-Fuck you!

-I'm fucking selfish?!
Are you fucking kidding me?
-Fuck you!

-Stop, stop, stop!
-Come on! Come at me!

Fuck you, man!
You know what? You know what?

You two aren't virgins
because you two
are disabled, okay?

You're a fucking virgin
because you're a loser,

-and you're a fucking virgin
because you're an asshole!
-Matt!

I'm sorry.

I didn't tell you
because I was ashamed.

But I'm not ashamed anymore.

And I'm not asking
for permission.

-I should-- I should know--
-Can I? Please, please stop.
Just--

For once don't talk, okay?
Just listen.

I'm 24 years old.

I need to know what sex
is gonna be like for me.

This guy told me
about a place up in Montreal--

that caters to people like us.

So that's where we're going.

Roger.

Uh--

Give us a minute.

-I'm sorry I didn't call.
-No, no, I should know.
I should know this about you.

I should know this.
Of course, you would wanna do
something like this.

-This is my fault.
-No, it's not your fault.

-It is, it is. It's not.
-No, listen to me, stop.

-But no, but you--
-Stop beating yourself up.

-You need to trust me.
-Ma, I do trust you.

It's just,
"Mom, I want a hooker,"

is not the easiest conversation
to have.

-I understand.
-You know? It's a little--

It's dicey.

I love you.

Sorry I didn't call.

I understand it's
morally ambiguous

and a little bit dangerous,
but we have
to let them do this.

-This is what young men do.
-A little bit dangerous?
No, listen to yourselves.

I am not signing off
on a trip to a whorehouse.

-Stop calling it that.
-That's what it is.

-Sex workers.
-They need to know
there's nothing wrong

-with what they want.
-Yes.

You can't be serious.

Actually, I am.
So, get over your discomfort.

We are going to support
him in this,

and we are going to pay
for it too.

You listen to me.
This is not happening.
No, no, and no.

Y'all look pissed off,
but let me just say before you
get a attitude with me,

that none of this
is actually my fault.

They were gonna report me
to my fucking nursing board.

Then it'd be over.
Two strikes
and I'd be done, okay?

And on top of that,
like I don't even
really do this,

like all these like long haul
like road trips or whatever.

-Sam.
-Like I don't really do that.

I do short trips,
and I do in-home.

I get in, I get out,
I mind my goddamn business.

- Sam.
-What?

Trip's back on. We can go.

Oh, okay, cool.

Where are we going?
I thought the hotel
was downtown.

Actually, your parents
canceled your reservation
and gave you an upgrade.

Holy crap. You ever taken
a steam before?

-What? They got a sauna in here?
-Oh, dude, amazing.

Wow. They got
a Jacuzzi out back.
I say we hit that later too.

-Yes. Oh my God!
Talk about a workout, huh?
-Yeah.

-This place is great.
-Where's the douche bag?

-Dude, by the way, I
was thinking about that.
-Ow! Look at this!

-Will you stop?
It's just a dress.
-What's going on?

-Sam is in a very nice
dinner dress.
-Ooh.

-So, when do you wanna go
to the Le Chateau Paradis?
-Tomorrow.

-Yeah, today's out for me, so--
-Yeah. I think tomorrow is good.

-How about just dinner
on the town tonight?
-Okay.

-Dinner tonight,
prostitution tomorrow.
-Okay.

Hello. No one's talking.

I wouldn't know.
I'm just a loser.

Mo, I'm sorry I--

called you a loser,
I didn't mean it.

That's all right, man.

I'm sorry I threw
you under the bus.

I should have had your back,
back there.

I'm sorry.

Hey, where's my apology?
Hey, Matt.

-Dude, can you take it easy?
-No, no, no, no.

He got an apology.
I want one too.

You left me at a table
by myself in Chicago.

You called me an asshole
in front of my mother.

I mean, what the fuck is that?

I would love an apology.

I'm sorry.

That wasn't very genuine.

What are you sorry for, Biceps?

Where you going, huh?

I said what are you sorry for?

- Scotty.
-What?

He's dying.

That's why he's been taking
all the pills, dude.

You would have noticed that
if you weren't too busy being
an asshole all the time.

Knock, knock.

You're right,
I am an asshole.

Yeah.

It's part of your charm.

I, uh,

spend a lot of time feeling
like I was on the outside
of stuff.

It sucked.

Ever since we all started
hanging out, it--

I don't know,
it just feels different,
like I'm included.

When you bailed on us,

it felt like I was back
on the outside.

I'm sorry.

Can I ask you a question?

Are we friends?

Of course, we're friends.

Hey.

Thank you.

For what?

For this.

-You wanna take my knight
with your bishop, G8 to D5.
-Oh, you are so annoying.

Why are you
even playing with me?

You're basically
playing yourself.

I don't know how you do--
and how did you...

Like how did you see
my tattoo earlier?

I mean, you know, it's
something I just taught myself.

So, growing up,

I walked myself
to and from school,

and there were these
walls with these murals,

and I really wanted
to see them.

So, uh...

yeah, that was
how I figured it out.

-Well, it's a cool party trick.
-Yeah, I didn't go
to many parties growing up.

Do you wanna finish
reading my tattoo?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'm gonna...

-I'll just get a little close
to you, if that's okay.
-Okay.

-Yeah, just gonna...
-Okay.

Okay, so that's the bird,

the goldfinch, which...

usually represents sacrifice
or rebirth.

And the raising up
of a person over their sick bed.

Then what do
these branches mean?

White heather.
They represent protection
and luck.

You have really soft skin.

That's because I'm black.

Hold up.

You're black?

Guys, I gotta--
I gotta ask you guys something.

-What's up?
-It's kind of awkward, so don't
make fun of me, all right?

Yeah, of course.
Yeah, what's up?

-I need one of you
to shave my dick.
-Fuck no. No dude.

-It's hard for me to even ask.
-Yeah, I would hope so.

-No, uh-uh.
-I mean, yeah.
Mo, you should do it.

-What?
-Yeah, you won't be scarred
by the visual.

Just in case.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're like Redfoo upside-down.

-Why am I here again?
-I just need you for
moral support.

Plus, I've never seen anybody
with pubic hair extensions.

You can be a jerk about this,
or you can just get it done.

-Might as well.
-Right?

-Thanks again for doing this.
Really appreciate it.

- Uhm.

Ooh, breezy.

Hey there.

Looking good, fellas.

- Bonjour. Welcome.
- Hello.

Right this way, gentlemen.

Wow.

-Drinks?
-Bourbon. Make it a double.

-Same.
-Water is fine.

What's your name?

Scotty. What's yours?

Chantal.

Nice to meet you.

Come.

You're very beautiful.

Thank you.

You want to, uh...

No. I mean, yeah.

No, just, uh-- not just yet.

Wanna help me with that drink?

Oui.Relax.

Could use another one of those.

Mo. Mo.

Hey. Mo, what the fuck?

Dude, I'm sorry, Scotty,
I can't do it, okay?

You came 2,000 miles
to not have sex with one
of these beautiful women?

-Mo, they're throwing
themselves at us.
-That's exactly what's wrong

with this place.
It is not real, okay?

Look, I'm happy for you.

It's gonna be great, and I'm
sure it's amazing, but for me,

I just-- I just can't, man.
It just...

I think I just need
my first time
to be with someone special.

Yeah, I want that too.

But that's not gonna
happen for me.

I know that.
I've made my peace with it.

-Hope you don't judge me for it.
-Never, never. I...

Go get her, buddy.

You too.

Sam, you know, I just...

We've known each other
for four days.
Four days, eight states.

Is it eight states?
Eight states.

We've known each other
for four days and eight states.

I'd like to know you
for more days.

All the days,
because, you know, I
really like-- that's stupid.

The-- Sam, the road

to Le Chateau Paradis,
it's so bumpy.

Sam?

It's got eight.

I'm gonna need
a little help getting over.

I'll get someone.

Does it bother you?

The chair?

My brother has.

Your brother's in a wheelchair?

It means I understand.

Wait, wait.

I'm sorry, can you just, um...

tell me something about you?

-Uh, y-you want me to...
-Tell me something.
Just anything.

Like, uh,

what kind of music do you like.

You know Garou?

-Ga--
-Ga-Garou, no?

It's okay. Just forget it.
That was stupid.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday
Dear Scotty ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ You ♪

To the new couple.

-Ew, don't.
-Stop it.

And the brothel
that brought them together.

-Easy.
-Just chill out.
We're just having fun.

I have a question.

Forget any disabilities.

Forget anything
that might be holding you back.

What would you wanna
do with your life?

Anyone?

Before my surgery,
I was a boxer.

Really wanted to turn pro.

But as long as I get
to retire by the beach,

I'm good.

Mo?

Uhm--

Honestly, I
just always wanted to be a dad.

Though I will say, I do,
when I have kids, I want to...

like coach them in baseball,
and then we'd like move up
together, like...

in Little League and then
maybe like middle school,
high school, I don't know.

Maybe we'll all go pro together.

Scotty?

I don't know. Skip me.

-What? No.
- We're not skipping you.

-No, I don't wanna say.
-Come on.

- We're all going.
- It's not fair.

You can't do that.
We're not gonna make fun of you.

- We wanna know.
- Yeah, no.

Sam, how about you?

Well, I always wanted
to be an artist.

But I didn't think it was
a very realistic path,

so I went to nursing school,

which turned out
to be perfect because I...

I really love feeling needed.

So...

I am exactly where I wanna be
at this very second.

You feel any different?

Not really. You?

I thought it was gonna be
this monumental shift.

Yeah, me too.

Feel a little empty, actually.

Like the whole thing made me
want something...

more, something that doesn't
just end abruptly.

I hope you find that person.

Hey, can you promise me
something when we head back?

I just want you to find
a stage, get on it,

grab a mic,
you wreck it, just once.

No, man.
Dude, when you look like I do,

you want less eyes on you,
not more.

-Besides I would suck.
-Well, what are they
gonna say to you?

They're not gonna boo you.

You're in a chair.

One condition.

You gotta be up
on that stage with me.

Mm-hmm.

Deal.

Matt?

Matt?

Matt.

Matt!

Matt!

I'll miss you for teaching me
math, but I won't miss you
for hogging the bathroom.

I'm so happy
that you were my big brother,

and I'll miss you
forever and ever.

The family wanted to have
an opportunity for anyone
not on the program

who may feel called
to share a few words.

-Okay, let's move on to--
- We do.

Down a little bit.
Less. Yeah, right there.

Left, left.
That's-- Whatever.

Uh, so I'm Scotty,

and I'm here because...

I promised Matt
that I'd do something, and...

I don't want him
coming back to haunt my ass
because I blew it off.

My only condition was
that he be up here
with me when I do this.

Guess it's now or never,
home slice.

Hit it.

Clap your hands everybody.

We're here to celebrate a life.

I tried.

♪ Coming to you live
This is Scotty
In the steeple♪

♪ Here to rap a eulogy
To all you lovely people♪

♪ Stand up if you can
While I stay seated♪

♪ This ain't a party for pity
That shit is unneeded♪

♪ It's a celebration
Of this guy right here♪

♪ who taught me
Not to be a pussy
And overcome my fears♪

♪ I'm a glass half-empty
But I can still be full♪

♪ And I don't need my limbs
To bare my soul♪

♪ So, wipe away your tears
And hear my story♪

♪ About three horny cripples
On a quest for glory♪

♪ Matt was hesitant at first
When I told him the plan♪

♪ Hightail it to a whorehouse
In a Handi-Van♪

♪ This particular brothel sat
North of the border♪

♪ Which for these three dudes
Was a pretty tall order♪

♪ But he came onboard
And we were road tripping♪

♪ Gotta find some better ladies
Cause these hos tripping♪

♪ We were unstable, disabled
And tired of the diss labels♪

♪ It was our turn
To turn tables and prove
We weren't unable♪

♪ To get it up and get it in
I'm not sorry, Father
For I have sinned♪

♪ So, what, we can't walk
So, what, we can't see♪

♪ We just getting off
Like human beings♪

♪ And it's not our fault
It's not how we asked to be♪

♪ We gonna find some dignity♪

♪ So, what, we can't walk
So, what, we can't see♪

♪ We just getting off
Like human beings♪

♪ And it's not our fault
It's not how we asked to be♪

♪ We gonna find some dignity
Find some dignity♪

♪ I gotta say
It's kind of odd♪

♪ To find myself preaching
In a house of God♪

♪ What?
After all it was He
Who put me in this chair♪

♪ With no means to escape
Or avoid the stares♪

♪ Then Biceps came along
Taught me to power through♪

♪ To go with my flow
And just do what I do♪

♪ To not let
The wheels beneath me
Hold the wheels in my mind♪

♪ And now my engine is revving
♪ And my pistons are firing

♪ And my brain is awake
And my gear is in drive♪

♪ Thanks to my friend Matt
I'm finally alive♪

♪ Ooh♪

♪ So, this one's for Matt
He made me see♪

♪ In spite of this chair
I can still be free♪

♪ And he may have passed on
But he's still a part of me♪

♪ Bye for now
And rest in peace♪

♪ Everybody
So, what, we can't walk
So, what, we can't see♪

♪ We just getting off
Like human beings♪

♪ And it's not our fault
It's not how we asked to be♪

♪ We gonna find some dignity
Find some dignity♪

♪ Peace out, bitches♪

♪ Dignity♪

Uh, drop the mic, Mo.

No, drop it. Mo, drop the mic,
it's gangster.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Scotty.

I'm really sorry
to hear about Matt.

That's so awful.

I mean, I didn't really even
know that he was sick.

Thanks.

Other than that,
the trip was pretty awesome.

You know what they say:
It ain't a real bro's trip

unless somebody comes back
in a body bag.

-It's a thing.
-Oh, no, I've heard that.

Yeah.

Keep going.
Keep going.

Hey, so, um,

I was gonna check out
this rapper over
at the Bluebird on Friday night,

if you wanted to come with.

Or not.
It's no biggie either way.

I actually can't
on Friday night.
I'm so sorry. I have a thing.

Oh.

But, Scotty,
what about Saturday night?

Maybe just like dinner.

Dinner.

Like a date.

Yeah, like a date.

Okay.

Cool.

And they were going on
a trip to get-- Asta,
well, how shall we put it?

Prostitutes. Asta,
so what was the trip about?

The road trip was about me
experiencing

what the sexual
side was in Holland.

And obviously
the government helped people
with disabilities out there

to have a sexual experience.
I was like, "Wow, I've gotta
go see this."

And was that the first time you had had sexual relations?

Absolutely, yeah.
So, for me it was
just completely mind blowing.

And you were like,
"Oh, this is what people
have been talking about?

-Okay, I can get behind this."
-The parents or caregivers
don't even realize

that they have a need
for sexual experience

and that's what I want
to help with.
When you are in a situation

where you're in a wheelchair
and you're getting judged
every day from society,

then it's hard for--
I don't see how someone
who hasn't even been

in that arena,
could come up to me and say,

"Well, why don't you just go
out and get your own
girlfriend, man?"

-It's just like--
-Easy to say, yeah.
Kiss my ass, you know.

Somebody says, "Oh, no, no. You're not allowed to have that kind of fun."

Okay, and I have a few words
for them, "Piss off!"