Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

(SEA GULL SQUAWKS)

JOSH: In the early 1700s,

a sailor aboard a British merchant ship wrote,

"The beauty of the ocean

is one of the world's greatest treasures."

Yet throughout history,

the men who have sailed her have overlooked it.

Blinded by the desire for old gold and glittering gems,

they embarked on voyages to the ends of the earth

and even beyond the boundaries of time.

(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC)

She's carrying treasure for sure.

Fire!

(EXPLOSION)

Captain, they're upon us.

Come on, mateys, on her! Get on her!

(PIRATES YELLING)

- (SWORDS CLANGING) - (PIRATES YELLING)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(MAN GRUNTING)

HOBBS: Get in there, get in there!

Go!

- Get on the ground. - On your knees!

Please, please, don't.

Ah, Mr. Pistol, this one here is going on and on

about the lost treasure of William Kidd.

Por favor, Senor Pirate.

We are just mere scientists.

There's a map.

There's a map.

You can take... you can have the map.

You can...

You can... (WHIMPERS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Where is this map your friend speaks of?

He is crazy from the sun.

We know of no treasure map.

Really?

Oh. That map.

(LAUGHS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

This is a map to Kill Devil Cove...

just south of here.

Yes.

But you'll never be able to decipher it without our help.

PILOT: Hmm.

Well then, let every man on board be spared...

lest our spoils be tainted by unnecessary bloodshed.

Here's to the Devil's Wing and her merciful crew.

Ah, so Mr. Pistol...

Ah, you spared the crew, did ya?

Yes, Captain, thought we might need them.

Oh, you thought? (CHUCKLES)

But that'd be a Captain's decision, wouldn't you say?

Aye, Captain.

You see, it's thoughts like that

that sealed the fate of your father.

I would hate for something like that to happen to you.

All right, easy lad, easy.

You know I had no choice.

It was the code. Hmm.

- Aye, Captain. - Hmm.

You're a good man, Pistol.

When the devil comes for my soul,

I'll need you there to talk him out of it.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah. Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

So, what's all this about a treasure map?

- Right. - Ah. Hmm.

Here you are, Captain.

Ah.

Hmm?

Enjoy.

Hmm.

CAPTAIN: Carry on.

(WATER WADING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(WAVES CRASHING)

(WHISTLES)

(IMITATING PARROT)

(INAUDIBLE)

(PARROT SQUAWKS)

PARROT: Mr. Pistol's left the helm.

Shh.

PARROT: La la la la la la la.

(SQUAWKS) Batten the hatches.

(SNORING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(SHIP CREAKING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(CONTINUES SNORING)

(SNORING)

(PIRATES GRUNTING)

Welcome aboard, Captain.

Captain?

ADAMS: She's your ship now.

Make haste to man the sails.

Tata, Captain Lynch. (LAUGHS)

(PARROT SQUAWKING)

Huh? What?

Stolen.

You mutinous lot.

Pistol.

(DRAMATIC, ADVENTUROUS MUSIC)

(BELL RINGING)

(SQUAWKING) Mutiny on the bounty!

I'm gonna get you, Pistol.

How could you do this to me, you betrayer?

Fire!

- Under attack! - He's gonna kill me.

Fire!

(LAUGHS)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

PISTOL: Get the mainsail up!

The mast buckle is broken, Jeffrey.

There's nothing we can do.

Ay, ay, ay.

We've got bigger problems. Look.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Blimey.

All hands,

brace yourselves, we're going directly to hell.

(BELL RINGING)

PISTOL: The map! Get the map!

I got it!

(GRUNTING)

CAPTAIN LYNCH: Pistol!

(SOFT MUSIC)

That's it, Josh.

Forward stretch, pull through.

Feather.

You're getting great at this, bud.

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

(LIVELY MUSIC)

(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING)

Hey guys, I think I got something.

(JOSH CHUCKLES) Nice one, Hedge.

- Hey, Josh. - What's up, my man?

Hey Brig. How's the blog?

Shh, I'm on a deadline.

Hey, you know what? I'm keeping it.

It could be worth something.

My uncle Herm once found a Coca-Cola sign

that was worth 800 bucks.

I saw your uncle on House Hoarders last week.

(CHUCKLES)

By the way, the odds of discovering

anything of value with a metal detector

on a public beach are very slim.

If you add up all the number of hours searching necessary

to find anything worth at least $20,

you get about 135.26 hours,

so you're basically working

for approximately 50 cents per hour.

Yeah?

Well, you haven't taken into account the anomaly.

The anomaly?

Yeah, the anomaly.

The unaccounted for, unexplained event

that occurs and defies all logic and odds?

It could happen, but in your case,

you'd better stick to your job at the yogurt shop.

(LAUGHING)

You'll see.

Hey, let him dream.

I can't believe someone is stealing

all the cool pirate artifacts from town.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Who's with me?

(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC)

(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING)

Whoa.

Hey, guys? I think I really got somethin'.

Booyah!

JOSH: What you got there, Huckleberry?

Oh, nothing. (CHUCKLES)

Just a treasure map.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

CHIP: Hedgey, baby, I will never doubt you again.

What do you think, Brig?

It looks like the real deal to me.

Wait. This is a map of Pirate's Cove.

See, that's Devil's Bay and...

and that's Adam's Light House, and the Clock Tower.

Oh, you just reminded me.

- Summer school starts at 10:30. - Boring.

Can't we just ditch it?

I mean, it's the last day, anyway.

My mom paid a hundred bucks for that course,

and I'm never gonna hear the end of it if I don't go,

so you guys have to come, too.

Here.

We'll stash it in the tree house

and we'll figure this out after class.

Wait. Maybe we should tell my dad.

I mean, what if somebody lost it?

I found it, so it's rightfully mine.

Dude, you're thinning us out?

- I thought we were a team. - Well...

Okay. Fine. It's all of ours,

but I don't want to donate it to some lame museum.

Excuse me?

I'm just saying.

Let's go.

(JOSH LAUGHS)

(LIVELY MUSIC)

(UPBEAT, QUIRKY MUSIC)

WOMAN: Look at this.

These are Lost Colony actors.

(SCOFFS)

For heaven's sakes.

Blanche, have you ever seen anything like this?

No. This is a disgrace.

SHERIFF: Okay, folks. Break it up, break it up.

Look at this.

- Oh, my head. - Wakey, wakey.

You guys are guilty of section 115-50,

which means you had a little too much to drink last night.

The ship.

On the contrary, sir, I barely had the sip last night.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I don't think so.

So why don't we all get up

and take a little stroll down to my station?

Let's go.

I got a nice place for you to rest.

Okay?

Come on, come on. You guys can walk it off.

Come on, you two.

Come on, you look worse...

Oh. Oh, man.

Let's go.

Where are we?

Where is the ship and the others?

SHERIFF: All right?

I do not know...

but I dare say it's best we play along.

The less we say the better.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

HEDGE: Wow. A real treasure map.

Put that away.

You want Byron to see it?

No.

Aw, crap, there he is.

BYRON: Stop right there.

Hi, Byron.

Uh, skipping summer school?

Taking a homeschool course

called Advanced Leisure Studies.

What do you think you're doing?

Um, walking?

Well, you're ruining my view.

My picture postcard view of my world

without a bunch of losers in it.

Yeah?

Well how will your view look

when I stuff your head in that pitcher?

JOSH: Easy.

- Whoa, was that a threat? - JOSH: Brig.

Hey, Byron.

Hello, Brigitte. What's up?

Oh, nothing, just taking some donations to the orphanage.

Interesting.

(LAUGHS) Not.

Hey Brig, when are you going to lose these fools

and come over to the right side of the tracks?

Just because your dad is the mayor

doesn't make you royalty.

And what makes you think

I would ever want to hang out with you?

Well, the answer to that question

is what's known as the universal answer,

the answer that cuts through, clarifies,

and captures the essence of desires

of people around the world.

And what's that?

Money.

Money isn't everything.

You're right.

It's the only thing.

(BYRON LAUGHS)

(SLURPS)

They're up to something.

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

Jenny Goldstein just posted that my dad

arrested a pack of drunken pirates at the inlet beach.

Look.

Probably just actors from

the Lost Colony reenactment play.

This map makes no sense.

Where's the "X"?

BRIGITTE: Made sense to someone.

It's like a puzzle but we don't know where to start.

I wish my dad was still around.

He would know how to figure this out.

He was good at this stuff.

Look for the alpha.

There's always an alpha.

A what?

An alpha, the starting clue to get you on the right track.

It's like from the game Castle of Ghouls.

You have to examine the paint strokes

to find the secret passageway.

That's a big help.

Everyone put your right hand on the skull of truth.

Repeat after me:

I swear not to tell anyone about the map.

ALL: I swear not to tell anyone about the map.

And whatever happens, we will all get

an equal share of the treasure or whatever we find.

ALL: And whatever happens, we all get

an equal share of the treasure or whatever we find.

It is done.

- CHIP: Okay. - Sounds good to me.

Wait.

What if one of us dies before we split up the treasure?

- What? - Really?

I can't help it. My dad's a lawyer.

Your dad owns a yogurt shop and does bail bonds.

Same thing.

Let's go.

Hedge.

What?

On your face.

What?

Twinkie.

JOSH: Let's leave it in here.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

Hey, can you guys get a little closer to each other?

All right, good, perfect.

Right there. Let's just do it.

In 1587, 115 men, women, and children

set sail from Plymouth, England

to begin a new life in a strange land.

They vanished with hardly a trace...

(PHONE RINGING)

Leaving the historians a mystery that has never been solved.

- Many people believe... - (CONTINUES RINGING)

...that they disappeared into the infamous Bermuda Triangle.

The Lost Colony, this is their story.

(PHONE RINGING)

Please, can someone answer the phone?

All right, hold on.

Hold on a second, you guys.

(CHUCKLES)

- Uh, Betsy? - (PHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES)

Betsy, dear? (CHUCKLES)

Hi, hon.

Could you please answer the phone

because otherwise we're never going

to get through all of this.

No problem.

Aunt Victoria? Can you call me by my stage name, Constance?

Of course, Betsy.

I'm sorry, I mean, Constance. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Constance. The phone.

Right.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Hi, Earl.

Constance.

Earl, it's Betsy.

Really?

Well, I guess they could be ours.

Okay. I'll be right over.

Okay, uh, let's take it from the top again,

and whatever happens,

I just want you guys to keep on going.

Problem.

Oh, what now?

Seems a few of our actors got

into a little trouble last night and got thrown in jail.

Our actors?

Oh, the Renaissance Faire guys from Raleigh.

Oh, well at least they showed up this year.

Earl says it's no big deal and I can go pick them up.

Okay.

Guess it pays to have a relative who's the town sheriff.

- (BOTH LAUGHING) - Yes it does.

Okay, you go do that while...

(BETSY GASPS)

Don't worry. I can fix them.

- (WHISPERING) Fix what? - Those nails.

Stop with my nails.

- Go. - I'll be right back.

All right, fine. Oh wait, Betsy.

Hey, while you're out, can you stop by the house

and see if Josh has any pirate props?

BETSY: Okie dokie.

Okie dokie, thank you.

Therefore according to Mr. Einstein's theory

regarding the intersection between time and space,

one would presume to be able to travel

to any place in history.

There's one key missing factor, isn't there?

Joshua?

Hmm?

Come on.

You know this.

PROFESSOR: Anything, Joshua?

Hmm?

Oh.

Mr. Young.

Wouldn't the result of such a journey

be completely random unless one cannot only

plot the eventual destination

on the time-space continuum

but also guide the subject to that destination?

And what's the solution to that? Hm?

What's the solution to controlling this intersection?

Come on, children.

Use your beans.

HEDGE: That's easy.

You need a time machine.

Precisely.

(BELL RINGS)

I'll be giving extra credit to anybody

who comes up with a design for a time machine

and schematics based on the principles of this class.

(LAUGHS)

(LIVELY MUSIC)

Josh?

Anyone home?

It's Constance.

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

That's perfect.

I'll take this,

and this,

and this.

(QUIRKY, OMINOUS MUSIC)

(UPBEAT, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(LAUGHING)

Don't mind if I dino do. (CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGING)

Mayor Beecher.

Listen, you nitwit, I don't care what you do with it,

just move it.

I want that stuff out of this town pronto.

People are starting to ask questions.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Problems?

No problems.

Byron, my son, we are Beecher men.

We don't have problems,

we have new opportunities to find solutions

and to achieve greater success.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Mayor, remember you have to

do that speech at the bake sale today.

Ah, diddly poop!

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

(GRUMBLING)

(KNOCKS)

Hi, Earl.

Any update on the stolen artifacts?

No, nothing yet, Betsy.

Constance.

- What's that? - Nevermind.

How about my prisoners?

Oh, I'll have 'em right up.

(BETSY CHUCKLES)

(UPBEAT, QUIRKY MUSIC)

Hey.

Hey.

You.

What are you guys in for?

It appears we're in the wrong place at the wrong time.

(CLINKING)

All right, boys. Time to rise and shine.

Got a call from your theater group this afternoon.

They sent a van to pick you up,

take you over to the Lost Colony Playhouse.

Let's go.

(CHATTERING)

Welcome. I'm Betsy.

I mean, Constance.

And I guess I am your hostess, driver, and tour guide.

Anyway, it's lovely to have you here.

And I am at your service, Miss Constance.

Oh? (CHUCKLES)

Um, everybody get together.

I want to take your picture for the program.

- What? - I beg your pardon, miss?

I want to take your photograph.

Scooch together so I can see everyone.

One, two, three.

- (SHUTTER CLICKS) - (YELLING)

Oh, wonderful.

Let's go.

Come along.

- This way. - (PISTOL CLEARS THROAT)

(LIVELY MUSIC)

- Hello, Father. - Hello.

Look, we brought you your favorite, devil's fruitcake.

We all have our weaknesses.

PATTY: Yes we do.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

It's official.

I'm going vegan.

Wow. A real treasure map.

What would be buried in there?

Treasure, you dope.

I know, but like, what kind?

Gold, diamonds, rubies, gold?

You said gold twice.

- I like gold. - (LAUGHS)

HEDGE: Hey, what time is?

I'm starving.

I thought you went vegan?

It's gluten free.

Well, it's not "free" free.

You're gonna have to pay for that.

I'm good for it.

You guys didn't tell anyone about the map, did you?

You're so paranoid.

No one knows about the map, but us.

What's this about a map then?

(CHUCKLES) Nothing, Professor.

Yeah. We were just working on a...

Visitor's map for the Town Square.

You know, there's so many treasures to be found.

The Nautical Museum and the library? (CHUCKLES)

Really?

I'd be obliged to offer you my expertise.

How's your mom then, Joshua?

Fine.

Do give her my regards, won't you?

Yeah.

Okay.

(PROFESSOR RATLIFFE CHUCKLES)

Weird.

He took your dad's job, and then...

now he's trying to make moves on your mom.

(CHUCKLES) Good luck with that.

Here we are.

Your chariot awaits.

Where are the horses?

(UPBEAT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

You're just gonna love it here.

I've been involved with the Colony since I was 12.

My family's from here, too.

My ancestors came over from England

and settled right here in Pirate's Cove.

Now, if I could just locate my keys,

we could get going.

Anyway, call me a romantic,

but I love the gallantry, the chivalry.

Don't get me wrong, this place is fine,

but sometimes I wish I could've lived back

in the 18th century.

Um, excuse me, ma'am?

What year might this be?

You really take the acting thing seriously.

(VAN STARTS)

(YELLING)

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

The map, it's gone.

CHIP: I bet it was that snake Byron.

HEDGE: Yeah. Let's go get him.

Hold your horses. It was just your aunt, see?

Who's Constance?

That's Betsy.

Oh.

CHIP: That's a relief.

But we still have to get that map back

before anyone else sees it. Come on.

VICTORIA: All right. (CHUCKLES)

I guess we'll do it from there.

So let's give it a go.

Well, blast ye then, ye scoundrels.

Aye, blast ye.

No, guys. Come on.

You're pirates.

Where's the emotion? Okay?

Be pirates.

Okay. Again.

Well, blast ye then, ye scoundrel.

Aye.

Blast ye!

Okay.

Um, all right.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Hi.

Sorry I took so long.

That's okay. Oh, good.

- Oh, these are so great. - Mmm-hmm.

Thank you. I'm glad you found these.

BETSY: These are the new actors from Raleigh.

Aren't they cute?

Oh, they look like pirates.

Yes. And they really have the accents down.

Mr. Pistol, this is our director, Victoria Dare.

It is a pleasure to meet you, Miss Dare.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

It's actually missus. (CHUCKLES)

My condolences.

Oh?

Please, allow me to introduce my crew.

ALL: Arr.

This is more like it.

They look like pirates even down to their teeth.

Mmm-hmm. (CHUCKLING)

Arr!

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

VICTORIA: You guys are gonna be perfect for this.

Um, all right. Great.

Why don't you go with Betsy and she'll

get you guys some scripts and then we can go through it?

In fact, we are not masters of the written word,

but we could employ some improvisation.

I love improv, so I cannot wait to see

what you guys are gonna do.

Those are the guys from the beach.

All right. Why don't you go with her?

I'm gonna go get the map. You guys meet me at the exit.

All right?

(UPBEAT SEA SHANTY MUSIC)

Hi, Mom.

Hey, kiddo.

Oh, how was the treasure hunting?

What?

Oh, I ran into Hubert's dad at the ice cream shop,

and he said you guys took out

his old metal detector on the beach.

Oh, yeah.

No treasure yet.

Oh, well the next time.

Yeah.

By the way, do you know what Betsy did

with the stuff from the tree house?

There was just a map and we were just going

to make a tourist map for the mayor.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yeah. Did you see the map anywhere?

Uh, oh, you know what?

Check this box that Betsy just brought.

It might be in there.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Thanks, Mom.

- Bye. - Bye.

Mmm-hmm.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Jeffrey. The map.

JOSH: Come on.

Go.

Here are the scripts.

Why don't we call it a day and go over them tomorrow?

Victoria's information is on the script

if you have any questions.

- Aye, ma'am. - Excellent.

Oh, and if you need a place to sleep,

you can use the cots up on the balcony.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

One for you,

one for you,

one for you,

and a mixed greens salad for me.

It's good.

You guys, I feel like we're being watched.

(HEDGE SIGHS) You're paranoid.

- Boo! - Ah!

BRIGITTE: I knew it.

What do you want, Byron?

Just a friendly reminder for you, Hubert.

It's the second.

Tell your dad rent was due yesterday.

The check's in the mail.

I hope so.

We don't want to charge you a late fee.

See you later, losers.

Let's get outta here.

What about my salad?

Come on.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(SIPPING)

(BIRDS CALLING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

HEDGE: Cool.

BRIGITTE: You see that drawing of where that fort is?

That's right where City Hall is today.

- BRIGITTE: Hedge! - Aw, my lemonade!

Nice one, Hedge!

HEDGE: Sorry.

JOSH: Hedge, you're a genius.

HEDGE: I am?

BRIGITTE: It's invisible ink. The alpha!

"They voyager points to where me shanty rings true,

"and fills the air on summer's day

"with dreams of gold

"that blossom visions from days of old."

- Cool. - BRIGITTE: Nice.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Hey, Earl.

Mornin', sis.

Huh.

Uh, there's only one "L" in gala.

Dang it.

Yeah. You might want to change it.

See you later.

(UPBEAT SEA SHANTY MUSIC)

(CHATTERING)

Through it to Christa Port.

Aye.

- Fire! - Ah!

(BELL RINGS)

(CHEERING)

Aren't you guys a little old for this?

ADAMS: Arr.

MAN: Step right up and pick your best shot.

Ring the bell, win the prize.

(PINGS)

(PINGING)

Another lucky winner!

Pick your prize.

That one.

(CHATTERING)

Oh.

This is so unfair.

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

CHIP: Okay, these numbers don't make any sense.

If you go by the latitudes and longitudes,

you would end up in Machu Picchu, Peru.

JOSH: Must be a decoy.

BRIGITTE: There are four signatures here.

Collins, Byers, Demuse, and Kidd.

William Kidd?

This is the map to the treasure of Captain Kidd.

CHIP: Wow.

Wait, why would pirates have signed this map?

Let me see that.

It's a pact.

What do you mean?

It's just like the backstory in Quest for Riches.

Whoever signed this had a share in the treasure.

You see this?

Four names, four pieces to the puzzle.

I'll bet each of the pirates have their own piece

in a secret hiding place,

and you can't find the treasure without all four pieces.

Impressive.

(RATTLING)

JOSH: Whoa.

Check this out.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Hey, let me see that.

I swear I've seen this before.

Wait a second.

I've got it.

Come on.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Sheriff, I was only parked there for two minutes.

It's clearly posted, "no parking".

WOMAN: Is there no way around this?

Okay, just this once.

- Thank you, sheriff. - Sure.

(DOOR BELL CHIMES)

HEDGE: Hey, Uncle Herm.

(SNORTS) Hey, kids.

(JINGLING)

Ugh! (COUGHS)

Ooh.

Got something?

Check this out.

So cool.

Come on, Brig. We've been here for hours.

Sorry.

I swear I saw one of those things here.

Maybe somebody else took it.

HEDGE: Bye, Uncle Herm.

(GRUMBLES) Yeah, later.

(SNORTS)

(DOOR BELL CHIMES)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC ON SPEAKER)

Hey, Marge.

(GASPS)

Is it time?

Just the nails. (CHUCKLES)

Step into my office

and Margie's gonna fix you all up.

All right now, into the drink.

Oh, you may want to take off your ring, though.

Might get tarnished.

Oh no. It's okay. It's fine.

Oh, all right. Well, suit yourself.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Can we talk frankly?

Sure.

You know I love you,

and I would never want to cause you any distress,

but it's been five years.

It's time you moved on with your life,

for you and for Josh.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Oh. Oh, let's not even go there.

Just forget I said anything. (LAUGHS)

Like my momma always told me,

you should always think twice before you open your mouth.

Well, I should've listened to her.

Would have helped with the relationships

and my waistline.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, there's my girl.

So how's the play coming along?

Fine.

I mean we have some actors that came down from Raleigh

and they're actually really good.

So I heard.

Marge?

Eh, oh, I just heard they were good.

And cute.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, there's a hangnail.

Let me take care of that.

- You're terrible. - (LAUGHING)

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

HEDGE: What are you gonna do with

your share of the loot, Brigitte?

I'm gonna build a new library

and fill it with every book in the world.

HEDGE: Boring.

How about you, Chip?

I'm gonna make movies.

Nice.

Hey Josh, what about you?

Earth to Josh.

What? What did you say?

I said, what are you gonna do with your share of the treasure?

I think I'll buy a big sailboat like my dad's.

He always wanted to sail around the world.

It was a dream of he and my mom's.

Yeah, that's cool.

I think I'm gonna open my own chain

of ice cream stores across the country.

Not frozen yogurt, the real McCoy,

with every flavor you can think of

and all kinds of toppings.

Hot fudge, caramel, gummy bears.

Hello, Mr. Wonka?

What?

First we have to find the treasure.

Right.

BRIGITTE: Come on. We're gonna be late for the meeting.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(OWL HOOTING)

I wonder what's going on.

I don't know, but it must be pretty big,

'cause my dad never goes to these things.

CHIP: Same here.

(CHATTERING)

(GAVEL POUNDING)

Okay, let's get this started.

First of all, I would like to commend Father O'Reilly

at another successful fundraiser for the orphanage.

(CHEERING)

WOMAN: Go Father, you're the best.

And now about those recent burglaries.

MAN: Somebody took the anchor

right out the front porch of my store.

(TOWNSPEOPLE EXCLAIM)

And the ship's bell was stolen from the church tower.

(TOWNSPEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

And the spy glass is missing from Spyglass Point.

All right, all right, calm down.

Sheriff Basnight is on top of this,

and I am sure that the culprits will be apprehended soon.

Sheriff?

We're working on a few leads.

(TOWNSPEOPLE MURMURING)

Now, onto the main reason for this meeting.

We have, after much debate,

made a decision to make a change

that will boost the local economy exponentially.

May we dim the lights please?

As you know,

the treasure hunting theme has lost its luster,

mainly because nobody has ever found any treasure here.

(MURMURING)

Tourism is at an all-time low, but,

thanks to an agreement with the Beecher Family Trust,

that is all going to change.

I present to you Beecher's Dinoworld!

(TOWNSPEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

- What? - What is that?

(GAVEL POUNDING)

We are projecting an increase of revenue

of over 400% within the first year alone

and the sky is the limit.

WOMAN: No, it's ridiculous.

MAN: It's been the same location for 20 years.

What about the theater?

We put so much time and money into that place.

All of the existing businesses

will be incorporated into the new theme,

maybe relocated a bit.

But the town's called Pirate's Cove.

That's where the pirates really were,

and it's part of our history.

She's right, and I say, boo.

- Yeah, boo. - (ALL BOOING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

CHIP: Now we really need to find the treasure.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

"According to historians, William Captain Kidd

was a Scottish sailor who was tried

and executed for piracy after returning home

from a voyage to the Indian Ocean.

Treasure seekers have searched the waters

off of North Carolina for almost 200 years

in hopes of locating his stash of treasure

from his piracy raids up and down

the pre-colonial coastline.

Accounts from those who claimed to sailed with him

described him as a brilliant strategist,

mathematician, and navigator.

He was subsequently captured,

but his treasure was never recovered."

Check this out.

According to this, Saint Brendan of Clonfert

was known as Brendan the Voyager,

the patron sate of sailors, navigators, and whales.

CHIP: That's cool, but what does that

have to do with the treasurer?

Look familiar?

BRIGITTE: Doesn't that look just

like the statue in the Town Square?

Right.

The original statute was pointing toward the ocean,

but this statue is pointing towards the...

ALL: Church?

(SUSPENSEFUL SYNTH MUSIC)

JOSH: Anything?

Yeah, pretty sure it's a church.

28 pews and no clues.

It all looks pretty standard.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

"The Voyager points to where me shanty rings true,

"and fills the air on summer's day

"with dreams of gold

"that blossom visions from days of old."

Shanty means song.

Summer's day...

Day.

(SOFT MUSIC)

"My name was William Kidd,

"as I sailed, as I sailed.

"My name was William Kidd when I sailed.

"My name was William Kidd, God's laws I did forbid,

"and so wickedly I did, as I sailed."

Hey, guys?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

(SNORING)

(UPBEAT SEA SHANTY MUSIC)

(COINS JINGLING)

Hobbs.

Oye, shake a leg.

Silver.

- Silver? - (LAUGHING)

All right then, divvy it up.

Divvy it up?

Oh, to eat, bard.

Oye, I could eat a hot bowl of loblollies.

- Some cackle fruit. - Warm castle.

(BOTH) Salmagundy.

We'll eat like kings, aye.

- Yes! - Make haste.

(LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT, QUIRKY MUSIC)

(ADAMS MUMBLES)

Where is mine?

Uh...

Do you want some of mine?

Listen, I've found a way to locate the treasure.

Arr! Follow me. (CHUCKLES)

FORTUNE TELLER: Gather 'round, mateys.

- See? - For a mere shiny coin,

I shall divulge the answers you seek.

Mountjoy, give up the silver.

What?

Well, you want to find the map, don't you, lad?

- It's a sailor's knowledge tax. - (MOUNTJOY GRUMBLES)

Ask a question, spin the wheel,

and your answer I shall reveal.

Where is the treasure that we seek?

Ooh!

"There are many treasures to be had in Pirate's Cove."

Ask a question, spin the wheel,

and your answer I shall reveal.

Can you be more specific?

Aye.

Where is the lost treasure of Captain William Kidd?

"If it's treasure ye seek, ye will need a map."

Well, thank you, Captain Obvious.

Ask a question, spin the wheel,

and your answer I shall reveal.

Can you please tell us exactly

where the treasure of Captain William Kidd be hiding?

"In order to find the treasures of this world,

"one must look within their heart?"

- Son of a... - Blast!

Aye, we've been bamboozled.

(FORTUNE TELLER LAUGHS)

Look!

- (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Hello?

Oh, hi, Aunt Vicky.

Yes, Josh is right here.

It's those rapscallions with our map!

Come back, me hardys, I was just having a little fun.

I'll tell you where the treasure is.

See you in a bit.

I gotta head home.

Yeah, I should be going, too.

All right, we'll talk later.

Okay.

- What now? - We wait for Pistol.

He'll get the map.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(SOFT MUSIC)

Is anyone there?

Hello?

Good evening, Ms. Victoria.

Uh, Jeffrey... (CHUCKLES)

Uh, what are you doing here?

I was thinking about some of the things

you mentioned earlier,

and was hoping that we could

discuss some elements of the play.

That is, if now is a good time?

Ah, you know what? Now's a great time.

We're just getting ready to sit down for dinner.

Would you like to join us?

Yes.

Thank you for the invitation.

You're welcome. Come in.

Well, make yourself at home.

I'm just gonna go uh, freshen up.

Cheers.

(SOFT MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

(DOOR BELL CHIMES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Uh, Professor.

I found myself in the proximity of your neighborhood

and felt compelled without provocation

to call upon you.

Ah, uh...

Ah.

I see presently occupied with company.

(VICTORIA CHUCKLES)

Yes I am. I'm sorry.

Perhaps another time, Ms. Victoria.

Yes. Another time would be lovely.

Very well.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Thank you. It was a fine meal.

You're welcome. Room for dessert?

I made pie.

I am stuffed to the britches.

Coffee, tea?

- (DOOR OPENS) - Tea, please.

Josh, where have you been?

Josh, this is Jeffrey.

Honey, I saved a plate for you for dinner.

I just need to wash up.

Sorry about that.

He's been uncomfortable having people over

since his father was lost at sea five years ago.

It's hard for a boy to not have his dad around.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(LINE RINGING)

Come on.

Come on.

Hello?

- Brig, big problems. - What's going on?

One of the actor pirate guys came over for dinner.

OMG. Where is he now?

He's still in the house.

I gotta get back inside before they come looking for me.

Whatever you do, don't act suspicious

and don't let him see the map.

Really?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

CAPTAIN LYNCH: There's your new course, Mr. Pistol.

Straight off the plank.

No!

(SPLASHING)

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC)

Here's your tea.

I'm sorry, I...

I have to go.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

(WAVES CRASHING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Happy birthday, son.

Dad!

Josh. What's wrong?

It was... it was Dad.

He was in his boat and there was a terrible storm.

Oh, honey, you had a bad dream.

I'm so sorry.

You'll be okay.

Try to go back to sleep, okay?

All right, goodnight.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Josh, you up?

Yeah.

People are posting they saw the lighthouse being turned on.

It might be a clue.

Meet us at the entrance to the lighthouse trail in 20.

Okay.

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

That thing hasn't been turned on in years.

You guys spread out.

Look for clues.

I'll go check out the light house.

(DOOR CREAKING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

"On clouded night by beacon's light,

"the secret shall be known,

"reflected from the foe of night,

"beneath a skull and bones."

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Booyah!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(PIANO MUSIC ON TV)

(MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

Ay, ay, ay, what a cruel fate, bruh.

- Yeah. - Yes now.

At least we left him the ship, eh?

That's not how it happened.

No?

Oh, a hundred men sailed the Matador that night.

Took two cannon balls port side,

and then they arrived.

13 tiger sharks and a giant squid,

and the men screaming for their dear lives.

Oh, hello, Jeffrey.

Did you get the map?

No, but I know where it is.

We just have to wait for the opportunity to arise.

What in God's name is this?

Oh, it's a magical little story

about the tiny little people running about inside.

Completely unhinged.

PISTOL: Huh.

He rather looks like you.

- No. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah, he does.

Quite handsome.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ROOSTER CROWS)

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKER)

Marge.

It's time.

Time for what, dear?

(SIGHS)

Something new.

(MARGE GASPS)

Oh, my.

All right, girls, shop's closed.

Everybody out.

Come on, let's move it along here.

Come on, everybody out.

WOMAN: What about my curlers?

Oh, just take 'em out when you get home.

Come on now. Move along.

- Scooch it. - Marge...

Roll along. There we go.

Buh-bye now.

And you, come into my office

and Margie's gonna make you feel great.

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

Chip? What's that for?

The treasure, you dope.

It's obviously the right place.

These markings don't make any sense.

I've got it. It's a triangulation.

A what?

Those numbers are degrees.

Triangulation uses two points

and the angles between them to pinpoint the third.

You have to use these geographic markers

to determine the exact spot of the treasure.

I think I have an app for that.

BRIGITTE: Cool.

That one's easy.

It's right there.

So then the second point would be

right at the top of that ridge.

HEDGE: But there aren't any trees over there.

There has to be a stump or roots or something.

All we have to do is figure out where that tree used to be,

then we can use the angles to pinpoint the treasure.

(CHATTERING)

Do you like it?

I think it might be a little over the top.

You're beautiful.

I mean, it's beautiful.

I mean, you're beautiful in it.

- Christ. - (CHUCKLES)

Aww, well, Mr. Pistol, I think you're blushing.

No. No, no, I...

It's just that I've um, well, I've...

I've forgotten my...

Sword.

My sword. I've forgotten my sword.

And now I'm going to retrieve it.

That way.

Forgive me.

- Blast ye then, ye scoundrels. - Aye, blast ye.

Gumption, mate.

All right, where's Mountjoy?

Oh, down yonder with that golden-haired tart.

Hmm.

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

(GIGGLING)

Sorry to interrupt, but we do have to show to put on here.

Right, um...

Of course. I'm... I'm sorry.

Just give it a minute, love.

(FIREWORKS WHISTLING)

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

Really?

What?

Can you just concentrate on this?

This is impossible.

That tree is long gone, and there's no way

that we're gonna find...

(GRUNTS)

Found it.

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

(BEEPING)

CHIP: There it is.

Follow me.

Look, it's not even locked.

BRIGITTE: Awesome.

Come on.

(DOOR CREAKING)

"Here lies the true treasure, my immortal beloved.

"Gold or gems could never equal the joy she gave me."

Josh, are you buying this?

- No. - Me neither.

All he ever loved was treasure.

Wait a second.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

I knew it.

Come on.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Go ahead, Brigitte.

What?

No, you go.

I'll go first.

(WATER DRIPPING)

HEDGE: Go.

I'm going.

(MICE SQUEAKING)

(SCREAMING)

It's just a dead guy in a cage.

(WATER TRICKLING)

JOSH: No way.

Booyah!

Whoa!

- BRIGITTE: OMG! - CHIP: Wow.

Chip, go get that wagon.

Right.

(WIND WHISTLING)

Professor Ratliffe?

At your service. Good evening, Joshua.

What are you doing here?

I'm supposing the very same as yourself.

Searching for treasure.

Evening, losers.

Ah, Master Beecher, good of you to join us.

I knew you had something to do with this.

He's been behind this whole thing.

Well aren't you the smart one?

Yes, treasure seeking requires

a significant cash investment.

We found the treasure.

So I see.

And what a good job you've done.

I may have never been able to recover it without your help.

It's rightfully ours.

I beg to differ.

With all due respect, I've been in pursuit

of such treasure through space and time

for over 300 years.

While searching for Captain William Kidd's lost treasure,

I come upon a certain Spanish explorer

who had a very peculiar mechanism in his possession.

BRIGITTE: Let me guess, a time machine?

A time machine, indeed, and together we'd retrieve all

of the world's greatest lost treasures.

Somehow we learned to manipulate the space-time continuum.

Sedillo! What have you done?

(YELLS)

And he sent me forward into the time vortex.

Unfortunately, some poor soul took my place in the past.

Alas, these mutinous gents arrived

on the very ship from which I came

with my time machine.

Once again fate allows me to take back that which is mine.

You mean ours?

If you're done with the history lesson,

I'd like to get a move on.

SILVEN: The ship will be at the dock in a few minutes.

Take this treasure and load it up on the Pandora.

They'll be taking the journey with us,

especially this whale.

Wait one minute.

We had a deal.

Your money's no good where we're goin', lad.

- (SILVEN LAUGHS) - Take 'em.

SILVEN: All right, fancy pants.

Oh, Lord!

(GROANS)

After him, you fool.

- After him! - Hey, you!

The rest of you will stay put.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SILVEN YELLING)

(CHATTERING)

Remember when you hear the bell, that's your cue.

(SIGHS) Ready?

Ready.

Welcome to our production of

Pirates of the Lost Colony.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(WHEELS SQUEAL)

(UPBEAT SEA SHANTY MUSIC)

Jeffrey.

Josh? What's wrong?

You know the old legend that

Captain Kidd's treasure was buried

somewhere here in town, right?

Right.

Well, we found it and some real pirates showed up

with Professor Ratliffe and stole it.

They kidnapped my friends.

Where are they now?

They said they were taking the treasure

onto the docks to load it onto the Pandora?

The Pandora? That's our ship.

(SILVEN YELLS)

(SWORDS CLINKING)

Hi, Hobbs.

Hello, Silven. How are ya, mate?

(SILVEN YELLS)

Silven.

I knew you cannot be trusted.

That's the golden rule, mate.

He who's got the gold, rules.

- (PISTOL GRUNTS) - (SWORDS CLINK)

You were to get your share of the loot, mate.

Got a better offer, mate.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SILVEN GRUNTS)

Ooh! (CHUCKLES)

Besides, the Professor is the only one

who knows how to get us back to our time.

Sorry.

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

- (THUDS) - (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

Oh.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Come on.

To the ship!

Wait.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Watch your step, you fool.

Get that treasure aboard and be quick about it.

What's the plan?

We'll take care of this lot and find your friends.

You wait here.

Got it.

(PROFESSOR RATLIFFE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

PISTOL: Where's Mountjoy?

HOBBS: Oh, down yonder with the golden-haired...

Hello, Hobbs.

Well, hello, lads.

- Catch you at a bad time? - A wee bit, yeah.

What's in the box, Hobbs?

The box, eh?

Oh, well uh, let's take a look see shall we?

- (BODIES THUD) - (HOBBS CHUCKLES)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

- Thanks, man. - Yeah.

Hey.

BRIGITTE: Where were you?

No reception.

HEDGE: I had this whole thing under control.

Hey, guys, I know we had our differences, but,

now that we're on the same team...

HEDGE: What?

I say leave him.

He and his dad were behind this whole thing,

even the burglaries of our town artifacts, weren't you?

Yes, but I didn't want to hurt anyone.

You know my dad. It was just business.

CHIP: I say leave him.

Right. Let's get outta here.

Wait!

What?

I'm sorry for being such a jerk to you guys.

Okay, Byron, you can come with us,

but it's going to cost you.

(DRAMATIC, ADVENTUROUS MUSIC)

(PISTOL GRUNTS)

I hope your affairs are in order, Mr. Pistol,

for you shan't see tomorrow.

(PROFESSOR RATLIFFE LAUGHS)

Any port in a storm, eh, Mr. Pistol?

- (PISTOL GRUNTS) - Whoa.

Whoa.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(POWERING UP)

(TIME MACHINE BUZZING)

(GRUNTING)

JOSH: You guys go. I'll be right there.

Well done, Mr. Pistol.

Shall we play on?

(LAUGHS)

(MAST CREAKS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

ADAMS: Ay, ay, ay.

(GRUNTING)

(PISTOL GRUNTS)

I'm inclined to believe

you're without a weapon, Mr. Pistol.

PISTOL: Cheers.

Never were much a swordsman, were you, Mr. Pistol?

Not really.

(GRUNTING)

(PROFESSOR RATLIFFE YELLS)

(SHIP CREAKING)

(WATER SPURTS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(PEOPLE YELLING JOYFULLY)

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

Isn't this exciting?

BOTH: Arr!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I've my own time machine now, Pistol!

(LAUGHS)

Aye, Pistol, I'm coming for you.

The devil's upon us now.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, whoa!

We're under fire!

- Oh! - (FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

Roman candles?

(CHUCKLES) I love Roman candles.

Coming from the pier!

Aye! Train your guns on the pier!

Oh, diddly poop.

Prepare, prepare for battle.

Fire!

(LAUGHS)

(SQUAWKS)

(LAUGHS)

- (GRUNTS) - (POPS)

Coming about now!

Coming about!

Dying's the easy part, Mr. Pistol.

It's the livin' what's hard.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(PROFESSOR RATLIFFE GROANING)

(YELLS)

JOSH: Help!

Help, help!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Fire!

Hold on, lads!

(UPBEAT SEA SHANTY MUSIC)

Ooh, ooh, what's this, what's this?

Oh!

Dad, help!

These kids tried to kidnap me.

Brig, what's going on here?

Dad, did you read my message?

No.

BRIGITTE: He and his dad were behind this whole thing,

even the burglaries of our town's artifacts, weren't you?

BYRON: Yes, but, you know my dad.

It was just business.

Mr. Mayor, I think we need to have a conversation.

Let's talk.

(WIND WHISTLING)

(SOFT MUSIC)

(PANTING)

Dad?

Yes.

It's me, Josh.

How did you come back?

Love.

(SOFT, ROMANTIC MUSIC)

It's Dad.

(SOFT, ROMANTIC MUSIC)

VERONICA: I knew it.

I knew you'd come back.

Josh!

Mr. Dare, it's really you!

It's really me.

You see, Chip, this is the anomaly,

the unexpected event that happens and it defies all odds.

CHIP: I can't believe it.

MR.DARE: Hey!

(LAUGHING)

JOSH: I guess everyone has a different idea

of what the true treasure of Pirate's Cove is.

Some would say it's a stash of ancient gold and jewels.

Others would argue that true love is the treasure they seek,

or perhaps the mystery of what lies

beyond the horizon is what drives them.

But to me, the greatest treasures the world has to offer

are the friends and family who sail with you

on the adventure of life.

I can't believe we got our hands

on all that treasure and just let it go.

What about the time machine?

Man, that had some interesting possibilities.

CHIP: We'll just wait 'til they come back.

Wait, Chip, you are the one person

that would know that the odds of them coming back

are slim and none.

What if someone altered

the date coordinates of the time machine?

You didn't.

Yeppers.

What date did you enter?

Next Tuesday.

(LAUGHING)

You did what?

(UPBEAT SEA SHANTY MUSIC)

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

(DRAMATIC, ADVENTUROUS MUSIC)