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1
00:00:02,420 --> 00:00:03,838
(DIALING PHONE)
2
00:00:03,922 --> 00:00:05,090
(PHONE RINGING)
3
00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:06,591
SETH: (ON PHONE) Hello.
Hi. Seth?
4
00:00:06,675 --> 00:00:08,134
Yeah?
Hey, there, it's Doug.
5
00:00:08,218 --> 00:00:09,260
Um, I'm sorry.
Doug who?
6
00:00:10,637 --> 00:00:13,932
Doug Harris.
You know, Doug Harris.
7
00:00:14,516 --> 00:00:17,352
"Persian Rug Doug"?
"Chili Cheese Doug"?
8
00:00:17,977 --> 00:00:19,145
"SPF 60"?
9
00:00:19,229 --> 00:00:21,022
(LAUGHS)
Oh, of course, man.
10
00:00:21,106 --> 00:00:22,857
SPF 60,
how are you, brother?
11
00:00:22,941 --> 00:00:24,317
It's been a long time.
12
00:00:24,401 --> 00:00:26,111
I, uh, know we haven't
spoken in a while
13
00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:28,363
but I was actually
calling because
14
00:00:28,446 --> 00:00:30,365
I've actually got
some really great news.
15
00:00:31,116 --> 00:00:34,411
I'm getting married, bud. Wow!
That's amazing. Congratulations.
16
00:00:34,494 --> 00:00:37,288
We're very excited and, in
fact, I'm doubly excited
17
00:00:37,372 --> 00:00:39,207
because I'm calling
to see if maybe
18
00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,918
you would want
to be my best man.
19
00:00:45,255 --> 00:00:46,381
(SETH CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
20
00:00:46,506 --> 00:00:48,717
Wow. Um, I mean,
this is a little bit awkward.
21
00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:51,594
I feel like
we're not at that level.
22
00:00:51,678 --> 00:00:53,998
It feels like we don't know
each other that well. You know?
23
00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:57,767
No, I don't feel that way.
What about that...
24
00:00:57,851 --> 00:01:00,395
Seth, what about that
weekend in Carlsbad Caverns?
25
00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:02,397
I mean, that was
the 9th grade field trip.
26
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:03,606
The whole class went.
27
00:01:03,940 --> 00:01:05,108
Can I give you the dates?
28
00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:07,902
Maybe you just want to look into it.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
29
00:01:07,986 --> 00:01:09,026
Are you still there, Seth?
30
00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:10,155
MAN 1: I don't know
what to say, Doug.
31
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:11,656
I mean, I didn't
invite you to my wedding.
32
00:01:11,740 --> 00:01:14,492
That's okay. That's okay.
33
00:01:14,576 --> 00:01:17,036
Yeah, you can't invite
everyone that you want to.
34
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,539
Actually, we did invite
everyone we wanted to.
35
00:01:19,622 --> 00:01:21,458
(LAUGHS) We had,
like, 400 guests.
36
00:01:21,708 --> 00:01:24,294
Freshman year?
Your roommate?
37
00:01:24,711 --> 00:01:26,880
MAN 2: I heard you died.
38
00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:30,967
No. No, that's Len Brophy.
I'm the other one.
39
00:01:31,050 --> 00:01:33,762
Truth be told, uh, you're the
first person I thought of.
40
00:01:33,845 --> 00:01:34,971
Is that a yes or a no?
41
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,347
Hola, Eduardo.
42
00:01:36,473 --> 00:01:37,474
(LINE BEEPS)
43
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,225
RECORDING: We're sorry.
You have reached a number
44
00:01:39,309 --> 00:01:40,560
that has been disconnected,
45
00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:42,520
or is no longer in service.
46
00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:45,190
If you feel you have reached
this recording in error,
47
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:47,473
please check the number and
try your call again. (SIGHS)
48
00:01:49,319 --> 00:01:50,320
♪
49
00:01:50,403 --> 00:01:51,529
(GROANING)
50
00:01:51,988 --> 00:01:53,156
Ow!
51
00:01:54,032 --> 00:01:55,575
(GROANING CONTINUES)
52
00:02:02,874 --> 00:02:04,292
DOUG: Stephen!
53
00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:06,044
♪ Tonight's the night
♪ Hey!
54
00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:07,921
♪ Let's live it up
♪ Let's live it up
55
00:02:08,046 --> 00:02:09,047
♪ I got my money
56
00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:10,924
Roberta!
♪ Let's spend it up
57
00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:12,008
♪ Let's spend it up
58
00:02:12,050 --> 00:02:13,426
♪ Go out and smash it
♪ Smash it
59
00:02:13,510 --> 00:02:15,053
DOUG: Stephen!
60
00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,347
♪ Jump off that sofa
♪ Come on
61
00:02:17,472 --> 00:02:18,932
♪ Let's get, get off
62
00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:21,434
ls everyone
out of the office?
63
00:02:21,559 --> 00:02:23,061
♪ Maze! tov
♪ L'Chaim
64
00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,938
♪ And then
we'll do it again
65
00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:26,314
Timothy!
♪ Let's do it
66
00:02:26,397 --> 00:02:28,149
♪ Let's do it,
let's do it, do it
67
00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:29,567
Somebody!
68
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:31,861
Help!
69
00:02:31,945 --> 00:02:33,571
♪ And do it,
and do it
70
00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:36,574
I can't feel
my fucking legs!
71
00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:38,868
♪ I gotta feeling
72
00:02:40,912 --> 00:02:44,457
♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night
73
00:02:44,541 --> 00:02:48,169
♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night
74
00:02:48,419 --> 00:02:52,423
♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night
75
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:53,842
♪ I gotta feeling
76
00:02:53,925 --> 00:02:55,802
♪ Whoo-hoo
77
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:59,472
♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night
78
00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:03,142
♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night
79
00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:07,647
♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night
80
00:03:08,064 --> 00:03:09,315
♪ Tonight's the night
81
00:03:09,774 --> 00:03:11,568
♪ Let's live it up
82
00:03:11,860 --> 00:03:13,444
♪ I got my money
83
00:03:13,570 --> 00:03:14,904
♪ Let's spend it up
84
00:03:15,446 --> 00:03:17,198
♪ Go out and smash it
85
00:03:17,323 --> 00:03:19,117
♪ Like, oh, my God
86
00:03:19,284 --> 00:03:20,994
♪ Jump off that sofa
87
00:03:21,286 --> 00:03:22,954
ALL:
♪ Let's get, get off!
88
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:24,664
♪ Fill up my cup
89
00:03:24,998 --> 00:03:26,207
ALL:
♪ Maze! tov!
90
00:03:26,624 --> 00:03:28,418
♪ Look at her dancing
91
00:03:28,585 --> 00:03:29,586
♪ Just take it
92
00:03:29,669 --> 00:03:30,670
ALL:
♪ Off!
93
00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:32,213
♪ Let's paint the town
94
00:03:32,589 --> 00:03:33,965
♪ We'll Shut it down
95
00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:35,174
♪ Let's burn the...
96
00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:36,259
ALL:
♪ Roof!
97
00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:37,802
♪ 'Cause I gotta feeling ♪
98
00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:42,974
(MAN LAUGHING)
99
00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:46,561
You have to know that. Okay.
100
00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:47,979
(CROWD LAUGHING)
I ain't lying.
101
00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:52,859
Yeah. I've always been a bit
of a hopeless romantic myself.
102
00:03:53,151 --> 00:03:55,153
If our true match
exists somewhere,
103
00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:57,322
it's our goal in life
to find her.
104
00:03:57,655 --> 00:04:00,074
But, see, Andrew's a bit
more rational than me.
105
00:04:00,158 --> 00:04:02,577
Andrew always believed
that "the one"
106
00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:05,830
was a farce created
by musicians and Hollywood.
107
00:04:06,873 --> 00:04:08,166
Until last December.
108
00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:10,835
Andrew calls my cell phone
and he says,
109
00:04:10,919 --> 00:04:12,128
"Remember all that
stuff I said about"
110
00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:14,923
"there being no such
thing as 'the one'?"
111
00:04:15,048 --> 00:04:17,717
He said, "Well, I was wrong.
Her name is Gina Baker."
112
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,093
"And she doesn't
know this yet,"
113
00:04:19,177 --> 00:04:20,678
"but she's going
to be my wife."
114
00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:21,804
GUESTS: Aw.
115
00:04:21,888 --> 00:04:23,681
And I knew at that moment
116
00:04:23,765 --> 00:04:25,224
that this Gina Baker
117
00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:27,018
was the luckiest girl
in the world.
118
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,896
But after getting to know
you these past few days,
119
00:04:29,979 --> 00:04:32,482
and as I look at
you tonight, Gina,
120
00:04:32,565 --> 00:04:33,733
I know at this moment
121
00:04:33,816 --> 00:04:37,737
that Andrew is the
luckiest guy in the world.
122
00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:40,990
Because I know that you
both have found "the one."
123
00:04:41,157 --> 00:04:42,367
GUESTS: Aw.
124
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,912
Ah. I said I'm not going to do it.
(SNIFFLES)
125
00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:49,123
I want to propose a toast.
126
00:04:50,625 --> 00:04:51,960
This is to the groom,
127
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:55,713
my best friend,
128
00:04:55,797 --> 00:04:56,881
(GUESTS CHEERING)
129
00:04:57,048 --> 00:04:59,050
and his beautiful
new bride.
130
00:04:59,217 --> 00:05:00,927
This is to
"happily ever after."
131
00:05:01,010 --> 00:05:02,637
I love you both.
WOMAN: Cheers!
132
00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:04,722
♪♪
(APPLAUSE)
133
00:05:04,973 --> 00:05:06,173
(GUESTS WHISTLING
AND CHEERING)
134
00:05:06,224 --> 00:05:08,142
Congrats, man.
MAN: Great speech.
135
00:05:08,226 --> 00:05:09,978
So, are you still
the hopeless romantic?
136
00:05:10,061 --> 00:05:11,854
Well, I wouldn't say
"hopeless."
137
00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:13,731
(BOTH LAUGHING)
138
00:05:15,066 --> 00:05:17,110
Hey, can I speak to you for a minute?
Like, two seconds.
139
00:05:17,193 --> 00:05:19,320
Yeah. Uh, I'll be
fightback, babe.
140
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:20,655
(CHUCKLES)
141
00:05:22,073 --> 00:05:23,574
ANDREW: I don't even
know what to say, man.
142
00:05:23,658 --> 00:05:25,868
Did you see their faces?
They were smiling.
143
00:05:25,952 --> 00:05:27,495
Hey, hey!
144
00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:29,455
Man, did you see the beautiful
titties on that girl back there?
145
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:32,208
I'm trying to tag her ass before she
passes out, so if you could just...
146
00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:35,420
Yeah, sure. Um, your
wig's a little askew.
147
00:05:35,545 --> 00:05:38,006
That's fine. Thank you. Okay.
So, I guess that's it.
148
00:05:38,089 --> 00:05:39,757
You know the rules.
I do. I just thought that...
149
00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:42,260
Thought what? I thought we
maybe hit it off, right?
150
00:05:42,677 --> 00:05:44,762
No. We definitely didn't.
Oh.
151
00:05:44,929 --> 00:05:46,889
You're a great kid, but
unfortunately, a deal is a deal.
152
00:05:46,973 --> 00:05:48,266
There's no contact
after final payment.
153
00:05:48,349 --> 00:05:49,559
I should have
charged you more.
154
00:05:49,642 --> 00:05:51,352
I'm serious, man. You got
the real deal tonight.
155
00:05:51,436 --> 00:05:52,562
I was in the zone, baby.
156
00:05:52,645 --> 00:05:54,272
Yeah, great.
No, we don't do that.
157
00:05:54,439 --> 00:05:55,940
Sure.
Thank you, man.
158
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,358
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
159
00:05:58,192 --> 00:05:59,944
♪ Easy come
Easy go
160
00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:01,738
After you.
161
00:06:01,946 --> 00:06:03,698
♪ Feel the shot
Body rock
162
00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:05,116
♪ Rock it, don't stop
163
00:06:05,241 --> 00:06:08,202
Where to, boss? Just drive, Otis.
Just drive.
164
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:10,163
♪ And I'm feeling
165
00:06:10,246 --> 00:06:11,706
♪ Whoo-hoo
166
00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:15,918
♪ That tonight's
gonna be a good night
167
00:06:16,252 --> 00:06:20,048
♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night
168
00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:23,509
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
169
00:06:24,719 --> 00:06:25,803
(HEART BEATING)
170
00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:27,305
Mom and I
narrowed it down
171
00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:28,806
to the silver tulle
tussie-mussie,
172
00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:31,768
which is an exact replica of
the 1915 Texan Tussie-Mussie.
173
00:06:31,851 --> 00:06:33,436
Or we have our Très Beau
174
00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,063
with its goldia
floral etching,
175
00:06:35,146 --> 00:06:37,106
enhanced in
a smoky-silver tone.
176
00:06:37,190 --> 00:06:39,317
Does anyone else feel really
fucking gay right now?
177
00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,569
Ed! Let's go with the Très Beau.
178
00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:44,447
Trés Beau tussie-mussie
is fabulous.
179
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,658
Christ, somebody just shoot me.
I'll be outside.
180
00:06:47,742 --> 00:06:50,062
EDMUNDO: All right, team, can
we all gather around, please?
181
00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:53,331
Okay. I have everything
I need for the bridesmaids,
182
00:06:54,499 --> 00:06:58,419
but I am still missing
the groomsmen's information.
183
00:06:58,503 --> 00:07:01,214
What? Honey, you told me you
spoke to all the groomsmen.
184
00:07:01,506 --> 00:07:03,216
(STAMMERS) See,
I sent them an email,
185
00:07:03,299 --> 00:07:04,967
but you know how guys are.
186
00:07:05,051 --> 00:07:07,136
They just haven't
responded yet.
187
00:07:07,220 --> 00:07:08,471
Babe, I know
you've been really busy,
188
00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:10,348
but our wedding
is in 10 days.
189
00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:11,474
I mean,
can't your best man
190
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:12,642
help you with
all of this?
191
00:07:12,809 --> 00:07:17,063
Uh, but you see,
Bic's still in El Salvador.
192
00:07:17,146 --> 00:07:19,732
Well, let's hope he's in LA next week.
(SNICKERS)
193
00:07:20,024 --> 00:07:21,359
DOUG: Oh, he will be.
Mom.
194
00:07:22,318 --> 00:07:23,611
He'll be there.
195
00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:26,781
Okay, look, why don't I
just contact Mr. Rambis,
196
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:29,951
Mr. Garvey, Mr. Plunkett,
Mr. Carew,
197
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:33,538
Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Alzado,
Mr. Dickerson?
198
00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:36,185
I can't breathe.
Mister, are you okay?
199
00:07:36,249 --> 00:07:37,250
GRETCHEN: Honey.
(GASPS)
200
00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:38,376
Honey!
201
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:41,587
Unless you are
planning to run,
202
00:07:41,921 --> 00:07:45,007
you are backing yourself
into a very tight corner.
203
00:07:45,091 --> 00:07:46,801
I'm not sure I understand
what you're implying.
204
00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:49,470
Three out of seven of your
groomsmen are Hall of Famers.
205
00:07:49,554 --> 00:07:51,305
She'll leave me, I know. You're
not gonna tell her, are you?
206
00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,683
She's going to find out soon enough.
Oh, God.
207
00:07:53,766 --> 00:07:55,184
Why didn't you say
something to me before?
208
00:07:55,268 --> 00:07:57,562
I've been on a bullet train
ever since I proposed.
209
00:07:57,687 --> 00:07:59,021
I haven't slept
in months.
210
00:07:59,105 --> 00:08:02,358
I can't keep anything down. I
keep losing weight. I just...
211
00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:04,068
I just want her
to be happy.
212
00:08:04,152 --> 00:08:06,195
The truth
is always the best.
213
00:08:06,279 --> 00:08:08,072
What if the truth
isn't an option?
214
00:08:08,447 --> 00:08:09,657
Well...
215
00:08:10,825 --> 00:08:12,451
There is one other thing.
216
00:08:12,577 --> 00:08:13,911
♪ Oh, babe!
217
00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:16,372
♪ I don't wanna lie
218
00:08:17,081 --> 00:08:19,500
♪ I'm gonna take
what you're giving
219
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:22,587
♪ 'Cause I know
you're willing
220
00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:24,547
♪ To take me all the way
221
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:27,592
♪ You got me right here
222
00:08:27,717 --> 00:08:29,552
♪ Combustible
223
00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:33,890
♪ And I can't wait
to finally explode
224
00:08:33,973 --> 00:08:36,392
♪ The big, big bang
225
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,394
♪ The reason I'm alive
226
00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:41,230
Hey, hey! Lou, knock
that shit off, man.
227
00:08:41,314 --> 00:08:42,774
(GROANS)
Don't worry about Lou.
228
00:08:42,857 --> 00:08:45,026
He had half his brain
removed two years ago.
229
00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:46,611
LOU: Fuck off.
Okay.
230
00:08:47,612 --> 00:08:51,866
Hey, uh, do you know where
I can find the basement?
231
00:08:52,116 --> 00:08:54,869
♪ The big, big bang
232
00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:57,371
♪ The reason I'm alive
233
00:08:57,455 --> 00:08:59,665
♪ When all the stars collide
234
00:08:59,749 --> 00:09:02,251
♪ In this universe inside
235
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:04,462
♪ The big, big bang
236
00:09:05,296 --> 00:09:06,547
(DOOR BUZZING)
237
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,174
♪ Oh, babe ♪
238
00:09:09,634 --> 00:09:10,968
May I help you?
239
00:09:11,052 --> 00:09:12,845
Hi. Yeah.
240
00:09:12,929 --> 00:09:15,181
Yeah, um, I'm looking
for Jimmy Callahan.
241
00:09:15,264 --> 00:09:16,891
Who sent you? The Goose?
242
00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:19,060
No. Um, Edmundo.
Ah.
243
00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:21,938
Welcome to
The Best Man Inc.
244
00:09:22,146 --> 00:09:23,689
♪ It's a beautiful night
245
00:09:23,940 --> 00:09:26,859
♪ We're looking for
something dumb to do
246
00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:30,112
♪ Hey, Baby
247
00:09:30,238 --> 00:09:32,657
♪ I think I wanna marry you.
248
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,410
♪ Just say I do
249
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:43,626
♪ Tell me right now, baby
250
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:44,877
♪ I think I wanna marry
you ♪ (DOOR OPENS)
251
00:09:45,378 --> 00:09:48,506
So, Edmundo sent you
to come find the Oracle.
252
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:49,632
What can I do for you?
253
00:09:49,674 --> 00:09:51,926
Hi. Yeah, I guess I do have
a few questions. Mmm-hmm.
254
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,845
Um, what exactly
do you do?
255
00:09:55,221 --> 00:09:57,181
I provide best man
services for guys
256
00:09:57,265 --> 00:09:59,475
like yourself who
lack in such areas.
257
00:10:00,268 --> 00:10:01,769
So, I'm not alone?
258
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:04,572
Alone? No. I run a very profitable
business because of guys like you.
259
00:10:04,689 --> 00:10:05,898
Here's a fun fact for you.
260
00:10:05,982 --> 00:10:07,400
A kid goes to
Cornell University.
261
00:10:07,483 --> 00:10:09,110
He obviously has way too
much time on his hands.
262
00:10:09,193 --> 00:10:10,611
He recently confirmed
the number
263
00:10:10,695 --> 00:10:12,321
of real friends
the average American has.
264
00:10:12,405 --> 00:10:13,572
That means we're
not talking about
265
00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:14,907
the phony
Facebook friends here.
266
00:10:14,991 --> 00:10:15,950
We're talking
about the friends
267
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:17,201
who know where
your porn stash is.
268
00:10:17,285 --> 00:10:19,829
That number has dropped from
three to two since 1985.
269
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,206
Really?
I don't have any.
270
00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:25,126
How many weddings do you think
were in the US last year?
271
00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:26,794
Four hundred and fifty...
272
00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:29,130
2.4 million.
Four million.
273
00:10:29,213 --> 00:10:31,215
That means there were
2.4 million grooms.
274
00:10:31,382 --> 00:10:33,009
Do you think that each and
every single one of them
275
00:10:33,092 --> 00:10:34,802
has somebody
to be their best man?
276
00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:36,971
Wow. I never knew
people like you existed.
277
00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:38,054
I'm like an angel.
278
00:10:38,139 --> 00:10:39,390
I'm only there when you need me to be.
(DOOR OPENS)
279
00:10:39,515 --> 00:10:41,767
Excuse me. You got to
get going, Jimmy.
280
00:10:41,851 --> 00:10:43,769
Beth Shalom, right?
Beth Yirmeyahu.
281
00:10:43,853 --> 00:10:44,937
I don't understand
why they do these things
282
00:10:45,021 --> 00:10:46,581
in the middle of traffic.
It's annoying.
283
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:48,357
So, what did you
tell your fiancée?
284
00:10:48,441 --> 00:10:50,484
I, uh, told her that
I have a best man lined up.
285
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:52,945
You gave her the old Norton Winchell, huh?
I did what now?
286
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:54,905
The Norton Winchell. It's
the imaginary-friend covet
287
00:10:54,989 --> 00:10:56,469
It's an amateur move,
but it's common.
288
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:58,010
What about your parents?
They in on it?
289
00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,243
Oh, you don't have to
worry about them.
290
00:10:59,327 --> 00:11:00,828
Why, they protesting
the marriage?
291
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:03,247
No, they passed away several years ago.
That's perfect.
292
00:11:03,748 --> 00:11:05,082
Is this a large wedding
or a small wedding?
293
00:11:05,166 --> 00:11:06,208
Large.
294
00:11:06,292 --> 00:11:07,793
Social or family?
Social.
295
00:11:07,877 --> 00:11:09,337
Hancock Park,
Bel Air, Palisades?
296
00:11:09,420 --> 00:11:10,880
Downtown,
Millennium Biltmore.
297
00:11:10,963 --> 00:11:12,506
All right. Let's go
over some of my packages.
298
00:11:12,590 --> 00:11:14,550
If you're looking for
a basic Single Wing Ringman,
299
00:11:14,592 --> 00:11:15,634
that's where
I'm your best man,
300
00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:16,927
I attend your wedding
for the full day.
301
00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:18,429
Okay. If you need something
a little more involved,
302
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,431
where I participate in all the
festivities for the weekend,
303
00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,350
then you're talking
about a Bronze Bow Tie.
304
00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:23,713
Now, if you've got
real problems,
305
00:11:23,768 --> 00:11:25,061
what you need
is a Silver Cuff Link.
306
00:11:25,144 --> 00:11:26,687
Now, that includes everything
in the Bronze Bow Tie
307
00:11:26,771 --> 00:11:27,855
plus an additional
three groomsmen
308
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:29,138
to balance out
the bridesmaids.
309
00:11:29,148 --> 00:11:30,524
For an extra
thousand dollars,
310
00:11:30,608 --> 00:11:31,942
I'll throw you a bachelor
party to your liking.
311
00:11:32,193 --> 00:11:33,903
How are you looking on groomsmen?
Not good at all.
312
00:11:33,986 --> 00:11:35,988
Not good as in
you need one or two?
313
00:11:36,072 --> 00:11:37,406
I need seven.
314
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:40,534
You need seven groomsmen?
I do.
315
00:11:40,618 --> 00:11:42,870
Do you have any idea
what you're asking for?
316
00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,955
You're asking me to
pull off a Golden Tux.
317
00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:46,874
Yeah. See, I don't see that
on this pamphlet here.
318
00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:48,125
It's not on the pamphlet.
319
00:11:48,209 --> 00:11:49,489
Because what you're
talking about
320
00:11:49,502 --> 00:11:50,961
is what we joke
about around here.
321
00:11:51,045 --> 00:11:53,881
That's a laugh. "Hey, we should
try to do a Golden Tux."
322
00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:54,964
(LAUGHING)
323
00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:56,675
Too many moving parts.
Too many things can go wrong.
324
00:11:56,801 --> 00:11:57,885
No. But there's a name for it.
325
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,637
There's also a name for a horse
with a horn on its head.
326
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,472
It's called a unicorn. It
doesn't mean I can get you one.
327
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,599
She will leave me.
I need your help.
328
00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,559
You're talking about
unchartered territory.
329
00:12:05,643 --> 00:12:07,853
No one's ever asked me
to pull off a Golden Tux.
330
00:12:07,937 --> 00:12:09,605
And in less
than two weeks?
331
00:12:09,688 --> 00:12:12,650
I have a nice job,
I have a real nice business.
332
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,026
I don't need this
kind of pressure, man.
333
00:12:14,110 --> 00:12:16,779
I don't care how much it costs.
I need a Golden Tux!
334
00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:22,701
Are you sure
she's worth it?
335
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:25,913
A guy like me doesn't
land a girl like her.
336
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:28,207
So, I lied about having
a bunch of friends.
337
00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:30,084
I thought it would
make me look cool.
338
00:12:30,209 --> 00:12:31,794
Never did I think
she would like me,
339
00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:33,421
let alone agree
to marry me.
340
00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:36,215
I am marrying a girl
who, all my life,
341
00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:38,217
I never would have thought
would have looked at me twice.
342
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,885
And I am marrying her.
343
00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:43,764
What's a little white lie
in the face of that?
344
00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:48,811
Please help me. I don't
know what else to do.
345
00:12:50,855 --> 00:12:52,440
I love this girl.
346
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,028
I'm late.
Come on, get in the car.
347
00:12:58,112 --> 00:12:59,196
Really?
348
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:00,990
Yeah.
Should I follow you...
349
00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:02,116
No, get in my car.
Come on.
350
00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:03,200
And you'll drop
me off back here...
351
00:13:03,242 --> 00:13:04,785
Will you just get in the
damn car, please? Okay.
352
00:13:04,869 --> 00:13:06,954
I'm late, man.
God damn it.
353
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:08,497
Fucking white people.
354
00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:09,707
(CARS HONKING)
355
00:13:10,708 --> 00:13:12,668
RABBI: Now, at this time,
I would like to bring up
356
00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:15,963
Stuart's best friend
to say a few words.
357
00:13:16,547 --> 00:13:18,716
(ORGAN PLAYING)
358
00:13:25,473 --> 00:13:26,724
Just five short years ago,
359
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,767
when I spoke at
Stuart's wedding,
360
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,561
I never expected
361
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,438
to be speaking
at his funeral so soon.
362
00:13:32,521 --> 00:13:33,647
(CRYING)
363
00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:35,524
As the only Ethiopian Jew
364
00:13:35,608 --> 00:13:37,943
at A.J. Wilson High School,
365
00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:39,695
I was bullied quite often.
366
00:13:40,029 --> 00:13:42,531
I remember one time when
these kids took my lunch
367
00:13:42,615 --> 00:13:43,949
and spilled it
all over my lap.
368
00:13:45,075 --> 00:13:46,395
After they did it,
they started to
369
00:13:46,452 --> 00:13:48,078
call me mean names.
(SCOFFS)
370
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:50,581
Some of them even
called me Pupil Jew-Jew.
371
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,833
Because they said when they turned
the lights out in the hallway,
372
00:13:52,917 --> 00:13:54,168
all they could see
was my eye pupils.
373
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:55,920
"Pupil Jew-Jew."
374
00:13:56,045 --> 00:13:57,671
"Here comes Pupil Jew-Jew."
375
00:13:57,922 --> 00:13:59,131
Some of them
even did awful
376
00:13:59,215 --> 00:14:01,509
Sammy Davis Jr.
Impressions to my face.
377
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:04,845
"Sha boing boing,
you black Jew-Jew."
378
00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:06,847
I was covered
in sloppy Joe
379
00:14:06,931 --> 00:14:08,599
and mashed potatoes
and vegetable medley.
380
00:14:09,058 --> 00:14:11,101
And, uh, I look up,
381
00:14:13,479 --> 00:14:15,272
and I see Stu.
382
00:14:15,356 --> 00:14:18,943
He was standing there
with a handful of napkins.
383
00:14:19,318 --> 00:14:21,028
And a smile on his face
384
00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:23,280
as if to say, "Everything
was going to be okay."
385
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:26,283
Stuart may have gone to that
big Shabbat in the sky,
386
00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:27,660
but he's still with us.
387
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,871
He's up there
making sad angels laugh
388
00:14:30,955 --> 00:14:32,998
and he's giving
hopeless angels hope.
389
00:14:33,082 --> 00:14:34,583
And he's giving
small, little, black,
390
00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:36,835
Jewish angels with
a face full of corn
391
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:40,381
a handful of napkins
and a smile
392
00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:42,633
that says everything
is going to be okay.
393
00:14:47,221 --> 00:14:49,265
(SINGING HEBREW PRAYER)
394
00:14:50,683 --> 00:14:52,226
I am so, so sorry.
395
00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:53,978
I mean, I had no idea.
(ENGINE STARTS)
396
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,396
This could have
easily waited.
397
00:14:55,479 --> 00:14:56,480
Man, don't worry
about it.
398
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:59,608
All those things that you said about
him, those incredible things.
399
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,819
He really sounds like a great guy.
Who, Reinsdorf?
400
00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:03,279
Reinsdorf was
a piece of shit.
401
00:15:03,362 --> 00:15:05,197
If I end up doing
a Golden Tux for you,
402
00:15:05,281 --> 00:15:07,361
(CHUCKLES) I'll say nice
things at your funeral, too.
403
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,745
JIMMY: Shit, for another
100 bucks, I'll throw in
404
00:15:11,829 --> 00:15:13,372
holiday cards,
birthday calls,
405
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,249
and if you croak within seven
years of said wedding...
406
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:16,417
You're serious?
407
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,543
Serious as paint.
408
00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:18,877
If I do this,
you need to understand
409
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:20,421
this is strictly
a business relationship.
410
00:15:20,504 --> 00:15:21,839
Right. You're not
buying a new friend.
411
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:23,340
You're hiring a best man.
Got it.
412
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,883
Clients sometimes
blur that line.
413
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:25,926
I'm not looking
for a friend.
414
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:27,130
I am looking for a best man.
415
00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:28,846
50 grand.
Done.
416
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:29,972
Plus expenses.
You got it.
417
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,557
Who's officiating?
Father O'Brien.
418
00:15:31,682 --> 00:15:33,350
I never heard of him.
Her family's priest.
419
00:15:33,684 --> 00:15:35,477
What's my name?
Jimmy.
420
00:15:35,561 --> 00:15:37,938
No, my name. I'm assuming you made
up a name for me. What is it?
421
00:15:38,022 --> 00:15:39,189
Oh, I thought it was
a trick question.
422
00:15:39,273 --> 00:15:40,816
It's Bic. Bic Mitchum.
423
00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:43,277
Do I wear a fucking cape?
Bic Mitchum?
424
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:44,486
It was an act
of desperation.
425
00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:45,946
Bic. Hey, ladies,
what's going on?
426
00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:47,781
My name is Bic and I got the dick.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
427
00:15:47,865 --> 00:15:49,366
What's happening right now?
I'm Bic Mitchum.
428
00:15:49,450 --> 00:15:50,743
Hey, you put that down
429
00:15:50,826 --> 00:15:52,119
and if someone
asks you who said it,
430
00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:53,621
you tell them
Bic Mitchum said it.
431
00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:55,497
What do you mean that
there's no more candy?
432
00:15:55,581 --> 00:15:57,541
I'm Bic Mitchum
and I love candy.
433
00:15:57,833 --> 00:16:00,419
I'm Bic. Where's the pussy at?
What?
434
00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:01,670
Fuck you!
Wait.
435
00:16:01,754 --> 00:16:03,839
Fuck you, man!
No, Bic can't have these...
436
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:06,300
Bic Mitchum can have
whatever the fuck he wants!
437
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,510
Bic, Bic, Bic.
438
00:16:08,594 --> 00:16:10,429
All right. I like it.
439
00:16:10,763 --> 00:16:12,056
Doug Harris,
congratulations.
440
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,390
Allow me
to introduce myself.
441
00:16:13,474 --> 00:16:14,767
My name is Bic Mitchum.
442
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:15,976
I'm your new best man.
443
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,312
It's great to
finally meet you.
444
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:19,647
No, that's bullshit, Doug.
445
00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:21,398
"It's great to
see you again, man."
446
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:22,983
(BOTH LAUGHING)
447
00:16:23,359 --> 00:16:24,568
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
448
00:16:24,652 --> 00:16:25,819
Yo, what are you
doing, man?
449
00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:28,113
Yo, what the fuck are you doing?
What are you doing?
450
00:16:28,197 --> 00:16:30,449
I'm sorry.
I just got really excited.
451
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,159
God damn it, man.
452
00:16:32,451 --> 00:16:33,494
What do we do now?
453
00:16:33,577 --> 00:16:35,120
You go get some rest.
454
00:16:35,204 --> 00:16:36,330
Take care of them bags
under your eyes.
455
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,623
Stop hugging strangers.
456
00:16:37,790 --> 00:16:39,958
God created the world
in seven days.
457
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:41,922
I got to do a whole lot
more in a lot less time.
458
00:16:42,086 --> 00:16:44,296
I got to go find you
some damn friends.
459
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,006
Just keep your eye on the
ball, you little fucker.
460
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:47,591
And you're sure I'll get laid?
Yes.
461
00:16:47,675 --> 00:16:48,842
Because I haven't gotten
any since I got out.
462
00:16:48,926 --> 00:16:51,261
You'll crush ass. Seven bridesmaids.
Biltmore.
463
00:16:51,345 --> 00:16:54,181
Seven? I want seven vaginas up on my face.
Do you guarantee that?
464
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,767
I can't guarantee that, but I'm
quite sure that they will want you.
465
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,144
It's you!
Look at you. Come on.
466
00:16:59,228 --> 00:17:00,521
My mom isn't
paying you to talk
467
00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:01,772
to your loser friends.
468
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:02,898
Loser?
469
00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:05,067
Oh!
470
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:06,318
Don't talk to
Jimmy like that.
471
00:17:06,402 --> 00:17:07,778
Hey, what are you
doing, Fitz?
472
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,197
I'll murder your family!
Turn it off. (CRYING)
473
00:17:10,698 --> 00:17:13,367
Brentwood? Biltmore.
Hal Lane Orchestra.
474
00:17:13,492 --> 00:17:16,412
Oh, man. Hal Lane is the best.
I know.
475
00:17:16,495 --> 00:17:18,539
MARCI: Hurry up and finish the van.
I'm hungry.
476
00:17:18,622 --> 00:17:19,665
Okay, I'll be right there.
477
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:21,542
Look, Jimmy,
I'd love to help you out,
478
00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:23,293
but I promised Marci
I'd get out of the game.
479
00:17:23,377 --> 00:17:24,586
Her old man hooked
me up with this job.
480
00:17:24,670 --> 00:17:26,380
Job? What job?
Washing the damn van?
481
00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:28,173
I'm an apprentice.
I just take care of the van
482
00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:29,925
while I learn to plumb.
483
00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:32,219
Stop. You look at me now and tell
me that you don't want back in.
484
00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,179
MARCI: Where the heck did
you put the salad dressing,
485
00:17:34,263 --> 00:17:35,764
you fat idiot?
486
00:17:35,848 --> 00:17:36,849
(MACHINE BEEPING)
487
00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:40,310
Yeah, arms up. All right,
turn around, girl.
488
00:17:40,394 --> 00:17:42,646
Damn. You're trying
to smuggle
489
00:17:42,730 --> 00:17:44,148
some extra ass on the
flight, aren't you?
490
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:45,232
Isn't that what
you're doing?
491
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:46,525
Go on, girl.
You're good.
492
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:47,943
Have a nice flight.
Ooh!
493
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:49,987
Come on, man. You're
better than this, Reggie.
494
00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:51,447
Who's catering this gig?
Puck.
495
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:53,907
Wolfgang? No, Hockey Puck, idiot.
'Yes, Wolfgang.
496
00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:55,659
The only thing they've got
in this place is Cinnabon.
497
00:17:55,993 --> 00:17:57,911
I've been eating
Cinnabon for breakfast,
498
00:17:57,995 --> 00:18:00,164
lunch, and dinner
for the past six months.
499
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:01,999
Reggie, I don't need...
Okay? Of course I'm in.
500
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,202
That's all I needed to know.
501
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:04,251
Come on. We've a lot
of work to do.
502
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:05,502
Now?
Yes, now.
503
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:07,838
Hey, I'm clocking out.
I'm back in the game, baby.
504
00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:09,966
GRETCHEN: At least Edmundo
was able to reschedule
505
00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:12,384
the new salad dressing
tasting to tomorrow.
506
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,261
(GROANS)
There's only a week left
507
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:15,846
and we still have
so much to do.
508
00:18:17,014 --> 00:18:18,098
Doug, what are you doing?
509
00:18:18,182 --> 00:18:20,517
I thought maybe we'd have
a little ice cream
510
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:23,562
and then perhaps
some dessert.
511
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:25,856
Oh, that is so not fair.
You know I'm trying
512
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,733
to lose 4.2 pounds
before the wedding.
513
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:29,777
Well, I think you look beautiful
just the way you are.
514
00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:31,111
And I got you something else.
515
00:18:31,195 --> 00:18:32,321
What?
516
00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:34,907
Ta-da.
517
00:18:34,990 --> 00:18:35,991
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
518
00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:37,993
I remember when we watched
Girl with a Pearl Earring,
519
00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:39,328
and you said
how pretty you thought
520
00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:40,621
the girl's pearl earring was.
521
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:41,984
So, I went out
and had it remade.
522
00:18:42,039 --> 00:18:43,373
You know, as a pair.
523
00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:45,375
Oh, my God.
You are so sweet.
524
00:18:45,459 --> 00:18:47,169
That was so unnecessary.
525
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,420
(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)
526
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:50,255
Is that Boyz ll Men?
527
00:18:50,506 --> 00:18:53,717
You know, I was thinking
528
00:18:53,801 --> 00:18:56,094
of a way to alleviate
529
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:58,305
all that stress
you've been feeling.
530
00:18:58,472 --> 00:18:59,598
That is not fair.
531
00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,225
Remember, we said no teasing
each other. Mmm-mmm.
532
00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:03,477
I know we agreed to
the whole "no making love"
533
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:04,978
"for the last month" rule.
534
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,188
That's a lot of quotes.
535
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,482
Yeah, but maybe
I could request
536
00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:10,442
a temporary stay of the ban.
537
00:19:10,526 --> 00:19:13,529
No. Honey, look,
I would love to, okay?
538
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:15,656
But the article says
this will enhance
539
00:19:15,739 --> 00:19:17,533
our emotional reunification.
540
00:19:17,616 --> 00:19:20,369
I know. Maybe we could
take one night off.
541
00:19:20,744 --> 00:19:22,663
(STAMMERS)
Can we do that, maybe?
542
00:19:22,746 --> 00:19:24,373
Just for one night.
543
00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:25,999
To just have sex?
544
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,210
Honey, you know this is
difficult for me, too, okay?
545
00:19:28,293 --> 00:19:30,838
But I am willing to make
the necessary sacrifice
546
00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:33,632
to make sure that our
wedding night is perfect.
547
00:19:34,383 --> 00:19:36,552
BRONSTEIN: Doug and I met
at Camp Wampacheempi.
548
00:19:36,969 --> 00:19:40,639
We were both 12, and we used
to sneak out together at night
549
00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,724
and hunt bullfrogs and...
550
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,685
I'm sorry.
I dropped a line.
551
00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:46,144
I know I keep
tripping over it.
552
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:47,348
You know what?
You nailed it.
553
00:19:47,396 --> 00:19:49,064
What about the distractions?
Do you have any party tricks?
554
00:19:49,147 --> 00:19:50,482
Party tricks. Yeah, okay.
555
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,276
(SHOULDER DISLOCATES)
Oh!
556
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:53,861
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
557
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:55,279
Oh, shit.
DORIS: Oh, my God.
558
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,031
So, that's kind of it.
559
00:19:58,115 --> 00:19:59,867
I just need a wall.
No, no, no!
560
00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:01,994
(ALL GROANING)
No, don't, please.
561
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:03,495
(ALL GROANING)
562
00:20:03,704 --> 00:20:05,706
I got it. There it goes.
563
00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:07,791
Bronstein.
564
00:20:10,002 --> 00:20:11,962
Um, I prepared
the scene from Titanic
565
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:13,463
where Jack
tries to save Rose...
566
00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:16,800
Stop. We specifically asked for monologues.
We don't want any scenes.
567
00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:18,176
Right, but I thought
that this would...
568
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:19,303
It said monologue.
569
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:21,069
This would showcase my talent.
Thank you.
570
00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:23,098
I could read
the part of Rose.
571
00:20:24,558 --> 00:20:26,518
My name is Kip Loyola.
572
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:28,520
I'm 6'4".
573
00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:29,938
You don't have to...
574
00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:31,148
6'3".
575
00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:34,484
As you can see by my
résumé, I've done tons
576
00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:37,404
(STUTTERING)
of soap operas.
577
00:20:38,322 --> 00:20:40,157
Well, uh, did you
prepare anything?
578
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:45,454
On! Shit, baby!
579
00:20:45,537 --> 00:20:47,039
JIMMY: All right.
Did you, uh...
580
00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:48,332
Is that, uh...
581
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:50,876
Do you have
a distraction
582
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:53,295
or a party trick
that ties in with this?
583
00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:57,925
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
584
00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,343
Okay, I guess.
585
00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:01,345
That's your...
(GRUNTS)
586
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:02,721
Hey, this is bullshit, Jimmy.
587
00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:04,556
You promised me
a spot on the team.
588
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:05,880
Hey, look, O,
it's not like this
589
00:21:05,891 --> 00:21:07,225
is a Single Wing
Ringman thing.
590
00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:08,268
I told you
I need you to drive.
591
00:21:08,352 --> 00:21:09,770
I'm sick of driving.
I want in.
592
00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,104
You can't have in
because you don't
593
00:21:11,188 --> 00:21:12,439
have a party trick
distraction, do you?
594
00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:14,274
I told you I've been working on
the talking backwards thing.
595
00:21:14,358 --> 00:21:15,609
Well, no offense, O,
but you've been
596
00:21:15,692 --> 00:21:17,027
saying the same thing
for three months.
597
00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:18,278
Months three
for that saying been
598
00:21:18,362 --> 00:21:20,530
you've but O
offense no well yeah.
599
00:21:20,614 --> 00:21:21,854
KIP: That's pretty
fucking cool.
600
00:21:21,949 --> 00:21:23,909
Cool fucking pretty that's.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Whoa!
601
00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,285
How much wood
could a woodchuck chuck
602
00:21:25,369 --> 00:21:26,609
if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?
603
00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:27,704
No.
604
00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:31,541
Wood chuck could
chuck wood a if chuck
605
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,418
chuck wood a could
wood much how.
606
00:21:33,669 --> 00:21:34,711
(LAUGHING)
Oh!
607
00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:37,130
Okay, that'll do.
608
00:21:37,214 --> 00:21:38,340
Do that'll okay.
609
00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:40,133
Put a sock in it.
We're done.
610
00:21:40,217 --> 00:21:41,385
Sock on put.
611
00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:46,431
Try the Roquefort
Buttermilk.
612
00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:48,724
(GAGS)
613
00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:50,227
Is it too tangy?
614
00:21:50,310 --> 00:21:52,062
Uh, maybe a little.
A little?
615
00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:54,481
Do you have something, maybe, a little
less harsh? 'Cause he's like...
616
00:21:54,564 --> 00:21:57,025
I can offer you
the Algonquin Ranch.
617
00:21:57,109 --> 00:21:58,235
Okay, give me one second.
618
00:21:58,318 --> 00:22:00,904
Ray. A.R., ASAP.
619
00:22:01,029 --> 00:22:04,449
Okay, honey, we're all set tomorrow.
Brunch at my parents' house.
620
00:22:04,533 --> 00:22:07,744
Oh, yeah. Oh, sweetie,
I thought I told you that
621
00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:11,039
I got to, uh, hit the office
tomorrow. I'm sorry.
622
00:22:11,123 --> 00:22:13,626
Oh, no, no. Edmundo's bringing
some more appetizer samples.
623
00:22:13,709 --> 00:22:15,919
You know I can't make
a decision without you.
624
00:22:16,086 --> 00:22:17,087
(SIGHS)
625
00:22:17,254 --> 00:22:19,798
Damn it. I was going to keep
this a surprise, but...
626
00:22:19,881 --> 00:22:22,175
What? Bic is flying
in tomorrow morning.
627
00:22:22,259 --> 00:22:23,510
Bic? The Bic?
628
00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:24,803
Yeah. I have to go pick
him up from the airport.
629
00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:26,138
You aren't kidding!
Oh, I'm so excited!
630
00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:27,421
I wanted to keep
it a surprise.
631
00:22:27,472 --> 00:22:29,433
This is so great.
Bring him to lunch with you.
632
00:22:29,516 --> 00:22:32,477
No! No. No, I can't.
Why are you yelling?
633
00:22:32,561 --> 00:22:34,604
I'm sorry. I just, uh...
634
00:22:34,688 --> 00:22:36,273
I can't do that
because, um,
635
00:22:36,356 --> 00:22:38,191
we have so much
catching up to do.
636
00:22:38,275 --> 00:22:39,443
Oh, come on. Bring Bic.
637
00:22:39,526 --> 00:22:41,486
I want him to help us decide
on all these fun things.
638
00:22:41,570 --> 00:22:44,531
(STAMMERS) No, I don't know that that's...
He can't...
639
00:22:44,614 --> 00:22:45,991
Listen to me.
He is your best man
640
00:22:46,074 --> 00:22:47,325
and I have
never met him, okay?
641
00:22:47,451 --> 00:22:49,119
You cannot tell me
he's flying in and not
642
00:22:49,202 --> 00:22:51,246
bring him to lunch tomorrow.
Are you crazy?
643
00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:52,581
(STAMMERS) Okay.
644
00:22:52,706 --> 00:22:55,792
No! Take my hand.
I'll pull you in.
645
00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:59,504
Stay where you are.
I mean it. I'll let go.
646
00:22:59,588 --> 00:23:00,589
Oh.
647
00:23:00,964 --> 00:23:02,174
(GRUNTS)
(STRAINING)
648
00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:09,723
BOTH:
♪ Near, far... ♪
649
00:23:09,890 --> 00:23:12,559
Hey. Doug's on line one.
Something's wrong.
650
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:14,603
What's going on, Tonto?
651
00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:16,938
DOUG: Hey, there.
We've got a bit of a problem.
652
00:23:18,315 --> 00:23:20,317
What the hell were you thinking?
She cornered me.
653
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,444
Doug, in the future, if
somebody asks you something
654
00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:24,780
that boxes you in, you boomerang it.
"Boomerang"?
655
00:23:24,863 --> 00:23:27,074
You respond with either a
compliment or a question.
656
00:23:27,157 --> 00:23:28,950
Compliments are for women.
Questions are for men.
657
00:23:29,034 --> 00:23:30,452
If I were to ask you
something about Bic
658
00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:31,578
that you and I
haven't discussed,
659
00:23:31,661 --> 00:23:32,661
what would you say, Doug?
660
00:23:32,704 --> 00:23:36,166
You're, um, very handsome.
Thank you, Doug.
661
00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:37,918
That's a compliment.
662
00:23:38,001 --> 00:23:40,587
Compliments are for women,
questions are for men.
663
00:23:40,670 --> 00:23:41,797
You throw out random words.
664
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,423
You're confusing me
a lot right now.
665
00:23:43,507 --> 00:23:44,758
You use random words
that will distract them
666
00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:45,926
from the original question.
667
00:23:46,009 --> 00:23:47,052
Random words.
668
00:23:47,135 --> 00:23:49,054
We have 18 hours to prepare for
this brunch with the Palmers.
669
00:23:49,137 --> 00:23:51,598
Which means we have 18 hours
for a Shotgun Intro.
670
00:23:51,681 --> 00:23:52,681
Let's get to work.
671
00:23:52,724 --> 00:23:53,850
You want to start off
with the HW2's.
672
00:23:53,934 --> 00:23:55,644
DOUG: Right.
The how-where-whats.
673
00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:56,853
These are the three
basic questions
674
00:23:56,937 --> 00:23:58,688
that everyone I encounter
as Bic are going to ask.
675
00:23:58,772 --> 00:24:01,191
How did we meet? Where am I from?
What do I do?
676
00:24:01,358 --> 00:24:03,819
If we know nothing else,
we can tread enough water
677
00:24:03,902 --> 00:24:06,279
to fake a stomach cramp and run away.
How did we meet?
678
00:24:06,363 --> 00:24:08,615
Uh, freshman year,
Stanford.
679
00:24:08,698 --> 00:24:10,575
That means I'm smart.
Shit. Where am I from?
680
00:24:10,659 --> 00:24:12,369
I never said.
North Dakota.
681
00:24:12,494 --> 00:24:14,371
Why North Dakota? Do you know
anybody in North Dakota?
682
00:24:14,454 --> 00:24:16,164
No.
Nobody does. What do I do?
683
00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:18,416
You're in the military. That a boy.
See, now you're thinking.
684
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:19,918
No address, no phone number.
685
00:24:20,001 --> 00:24:21,711
And chicks dig
the uniform shit.
686
00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:23,296
It's going to be like
shooting fish in a barrel.
687
00:24:23,380 --> 00:24:25,298
Actually, I, uh, don't
think you're going to be
688
00:24:25,382 --> 00:24:27,134
shooting any fish
in this particular barrel.
689
00:24:27,217 --> 00:24:28,417
An Army guy
that's the best man
690
00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:29,668
not hitting on
the bridesmaids?
691
00:24:29,719 --> 00:24:30,971
They'll think
I'm a homosexual.
692
00:24:31,054 --> 00:24:32,222
Well, uh, actually...
693
00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:34,432
Well, actually, what? You told
them I'm a homosexual, Doug?
694
00:24:34,516 --> 00:24:36,476
No. No, not that,
per se.
695
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,186
What, per se, Doug?
Tell me.
696
00:24:38,436 --> 00:24:41,106
Bic Mitchum is actually
Father Bic Mitchum.
697
00:24:41,273 --> 00:24:42,774
You told them
I'm a fucking priest, Doug?
698
00:24:42,858 --> 00:24:45,026
Well, actually, it was
Gretchen who said it.
699
00:24:45,110 --> 00:24:46,695
You told Gretchen
I'm a fucking priest, Doug?
700
00:24:46,778 --> 00:24:47,946
No. Gretchen said...
701
00:24:48,029 --> 00:24:49,322
There was nothing else
that popped into your head?
702
00:24:49,406 --> 00:24:50,991
At the time I thought it
was a really smart idea.
703
00:24:51,074 --> 00:24:52,074
A fucking priest?
704
00:24:52,117 --> 00:24:54,911
But now I can see it's going to upset you.
A fucking priest?
705
00:24:55,036 --> 00:24:58,915
Fuck! Fuck, shit, bitch, dick, ass!
No. No, you can't.
706
00:24:58,999 --> 00:25:00,625
Oh, well, I have to
get them all out now
707
00:25:00,709 --> 00:25:02,169
because I'm a fucking
priest and I can't
708
00:25:02,252 --> 00:25:03,920
cuss around
your family, Doug. Fuck!
709
00:25:04,045 --> 00:25:06,006
Oh, come on.
That's the last one.
710
00:25:06,590 --> 00:25:08,008
(JIMMY READING)
711
00:25:08,091 --> 00:25:09,968
Jill Abromowitz,
freshman year.
712
00:25:10,093 --> 00:25:12,053
Far-sighted or near-sighted'?
Far-sighted.
713
00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:14,764
Okay. Wait, let me finish.
And near-sighted.
714
00:25:15,974 --> 00:25:17,350
Do you supinate or pronate?
What?
715
00:25:17,475 --> 00:25:19,603
Does your foot roll inward or outward?
Outward.
716
00:25:19,769 --> 00:25:21,188
Okay, that explains
the weight gain.
717
00:25:22,147 --> 00:25:24,232
Pepsi or Coke?
Sunset, full moon?
718
00:25:24,316 --> 00:25:26,026
If you could pick your favorite
superhero, who would it be?
719
00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:27,235
Is Pas-Man a superhero?
720
00:25:27,319 --> 00:25:28,403
No, he's not, Doug.
721
00:25:28,570 --> 00:25:30,864
Stairs or elevators?
Never mind. Forget it.
722
00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:32,908
Okay, Doug, I'm almost happy right now.
What's my name?
723
00:25:32,991 --> 00:25:34,711
That would be Bic Mitchum.
Where am I from?
724
00:25:34,784 --> 00:25:35,869
You're from North Dakota.
725
00:25:35,952 --> 00:25:37,037
Ask me why you're
from North Dakota.
726
00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:38,330
Tell me why I'm
from North Dakota.
727
00:25:38,413 --> 00:25:40,707
Because who the fuck knows
anybody from North Dakota?
728
00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:42,292
I want to hear my name again.
What's my name?
729
00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:44,502
Oh, you are motherfucking Bic Mitchum!
Rhythm.
730
00:25:44,586 --> 00:25:45,962
BOTH: Motherfucking
Bic Mitchum.
731
00:25:46,046 --> 00:25:48,798
Motherfucking Bic Mitchum.
Motherfucking... (EXCLAIMS)
732
00:25:49,049 --> 00:25:50,050
What are your phobias?
733
00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:51,468
Uh, I fear raccoons.
734
00:25:51,551 --> 00:25:52,636
Favorite sport, Doug?
735
00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:55,347
Baseball. And I love
women's basketball.
736
00:25:56,348 --> 00:25:58,892
Come on, we're getting
too tired. Up. Yes.
737
00:25:59,601 --> 00:26:00,936
(BOTH GRUNTING)
738
00:26:01,019 --> 00:26:02,187
JIMMY: Oh, shit.
739
00:26:04,898 --> 00:26:07,108
Doug! Doug!
740
00:26:07,317 --> 00:26:09,637
Get up. Get your ass up. We're
going to be late for brunch.
741
00:26:09,653 --> 00:26:10,695
Oh, shit!
742
00:26:11,196 --> 00:26:12,447
JIMMY: When you get
backed into a corner,
743
00:26:12,530 --> 00:26:14,530
remember your compliments,
boomerang, random words.
744
00:26:14,574 --> 00:26:15,575
DOUG: Use random words.
745
00:26:15,659 --> 00:26:17,786
Specifically, which
random words should I use?
746
00:26:18,036 --> 00:26:21,164
Any random words. Just be yourself, Doug.
You'll be all right.
747
00:26:21,248 --> 00:26:22,749
What if they start
asking too many questions?
748
00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:24,709
I mean, you hardly
even know me.
749
00:26:24,793 --> 00:26:26,920
Except for the fact that you
prefer showers to baths,
750
00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:28,380
Pas-Man's your favorite
superhero even though
751
00:26:28,463 --> 00:26:29,798
Pas-Man's not
a superhero at all,
752
00:26:29,881 --> 00:26:31,967
you're far-sighted and you're
near-sighted, you supinate,
753
00:26:32,050 --> 00:26:34,594
you prefer full moons over sunsets,
you're afraid of raccoons,
754
00:26:34,678 --> 00:26:36,554
you love women's basketball,
you iron your boxers,
755
00:26:36,638 --> 00:26:37,639
finished third
on the bar exam,
756
00:26:37,722 --> 00:26:38,723
eat American,
but prefer cheddar,
757
00:26:38,807 --> 00:26:40,934
you're against the designated hitter,
believe in life after death,
758
00:26:41,017 --> 00:26:42,727
and you played the violin
until you were 19 years old.
759
00:26:42,811 --> 00:26:45,611
Which is the same year that you lost
your virginity to Jill Abromowitz.
760
00:26:45,772 --> 00:26:46,773
Let's go, man.
761
00:26:46,856 --> 00:26:47,857
That will work.
762
00:26:48,358 --> 00:26:51,027
You follow my lead. You
talk as little as you can.
763
00:26:51,111 --> 00:26:54,281
Short answers. You don't
initiate conversation. Wi-Wo.
764
00:26:54,531 --> 00:26:56,366
"Wi-Wo"?
We're in, we're out.
765
00:26:56,449 --> 00:26:57,826
Oh. Wi-WO.
766
00:26:57,909 --> 00:26:59,661
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
767
00:26:59,911 --> 00:27:01,746
I'm getting a little nauseous, man.
What?
768
00:27:01,871 --> 00:27:03,748
I think I'm in over my head, Doug.
No, no.
769
00:27:03,832 --> 00:27:05,709
This is a lot. You're talking
about a whole family.
770
00:27:05,792 --> 00:27:07,043
I've never done
a goddamn whole family.
771
00:27:07,127 --> 00:27:08,461
You're telling me
this now?
772
00:27:08,545 --> 00:27:09,713
What's your last name?
773
00:27:09,796 --> 00:27:10,922
Harris. Doug Harris.
774
00:27:11,006 --> 00:27:12,465
Oh, shit!
I thought it was Angley.
775
00:27:12,549 --> 00:27:14,134
What? Who's Angley?
776
00:27:14,217 --> 00:27:16,219
I have to go, buddy.
No!
777
00:27:16,303 --> 00:27:17,470
I'm fucking with you.
778
00:27:17,554 --> 00:27:18,972
Don't do that.
All right, relax.
779
00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:20,140
That was a really
shitty thing to do.
780
00:27:20,223 --> 00:27:22,392
Ring the bell, rookie.
Come on.
781
00:27:22,642 --> 00:27:24,144
You guys have to understand
that I come from
782
00:27:24,227 --> 00:27:25,729
a very dark past.
783
00:27:25,812 --> 00:27:27,314
And by dark,
of course I'm referring
784
00:27:27,397 --> 00:27:29,399
to my drug use.
I was on everything.
785
00:27:29,566 --> 00:27:32,068
At one point, the only good
vein I had was between my toes.
786
00:27:32,235 --> 00:27:34,863
Crystal meth. I'm not sure if any
of you guys can relate to it.
787
00:27:34,946 --> 00:27:36,281
Grandma,
I've seen your teeth.
788
00:27:36,364 --> 00:27:37,574
Maybe you can, or can't.
789
00:27:37,699 --> 00:27:41,036
But the Lord says, "Don't
judgeth upon what happens",
790
00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:43,413
"but what happens upon
what can't be judged."
791
00:27:43,496 --> 00:27:44,664
Which means, yes,
792
00:27:44,748 --> 00:27:46,041
I may have been to a point
793
00:27:46,124 --> 00:27:47,917
where I was sucking
dick for money.
794
00:27:48,084 --> 00:27:51,338
But that day when I woke up
face down in that snowbank,
795
00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:52,672
I didn't know where I was.
796
00:27:52,756 --> 00:27:54,632
I didn't even know
who I was.
797
00:27:54,799 --> 00:27:56,039
And I remember
squinting because
798
00:27:56,051 --> 00:27:57,552
I was being blinded
by this bright light.
799
00:27:57,635 --> 00:27:58,636
I couldn't see a thing.
800
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:02,098
And when I finally opened
my eyes, I saw Jesus.
801
00:28:02,182 --> 00:28:03,475
You saw Jesus?
802
00:28:03,558 --> 00:28:04,809
Oh, I saw Jesus.
803
00:28:05,060 --> 00:28:08,146
He was in Mary's arms in the
nativity scene at St. Michael's.
804
00:28:08,688 --> 00:28:11,649
And I wept. But they
weren't tears of pain.
805
00:28:11,733 --> 00:28:12,901
These were tears of joy.
806
00:28:12,984 --> 00:28:14,778
From having found
my path, of course.
807
00:28:14,861 --> 00:28:16,154
So, Father...
808
00:28:16,237 --> 00:28:17,655
Call me Bic, please.
809
00:28:17,739 --> 00:28:20,367
What made you decide
to go into the military?
810
00:28:20,450 --> 00:28:22,160
Mmm.
That's a great question.
811
00:28:22,243 --> 00:28:24,537
Some people are called on
to serve God.
812
00:28:24,621 --> 00:28:26,206
Others are called
to serve our country.
813
00:28:26,456 --> 00:28:28,208
Those who are
chosen to serve both,
814
00:28:28,291 --> 00:28:29,709
they're called
Army chaplains.
815
00:28:30,085 --> 00:28:32,420
I got a two-way call
from the big fellow himself.
816
00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:33,797
(LAUGHING)
817
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:35,548
A priest in the military.
Yeah.
818
00:28:35,632 --> 00:28:37,592
It's interesting.
Do they have a "don't ask",
819
00:28:37,675 --> 00:28:39,886
"don't tell" policy
on child molesting?
820
00:28:40,011 --> 00:28:41,096
Dad!
821
00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:42,972
(LAUGHING)
822
00:28:44,432 --> 00:28:45,767
(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING)
823
00:28:50,063 --> 00:28:51,898
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
824
00:28:51,981 --> 00:28:55,276
That's pretty good. I've never heard
that one. Now, that's a good one.
825
00:28:55,402 --> 00:28:56,528
Well, I try.
826
00:28:56,694 --> 00:28:58,071
Clever.
No, it wasn't.
827
00:28:58,154 --> 00:28:59,364
Somebody call the firemen
828
00:28:59,447 --> 00:29:01,366
because this is hot,
hot, hot! Okay?
829
00:29:01,491 --> 00:29:02,909
Do not touch.
(LAUGHING)
830
00:29:04,119 --> 00:29:06,329
So, listen,
if you opt against
831
00:29:06,413 --> 00:29:07,997
the Russian
mushroom bisque,
832
00:29:08,081 --> 00:29:10,917
we can always go into
a more rustic theme
833
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:12,710
with the Chilean chili.
834
00:29:13,044 --> 00:29:14,796
I'll be back
with the croutons.
835
00:29:14,963 --> 00:29:18,633
So, Bic, uh, where are
you from originally?
836
00:29:18,716 --> 00:29:20,343
Originally? North Dakota.
837
00:29:20,718 --> 00:29:22,929
Oh, no kidding. What town?
Henderson.
838
00:29:23,012 --> 00:29:24,639
I've never heard
of Henderson.
839
00:29:24,722 --> 00:29:26,224
Oh, Henderson's
a very small town, Ed.
840
00:29:26,307 --> 00:29:28,017
Oh, where is it
in relation to Bismarck?
841
00:29:29,769 --> 00:29:30,937
Are you familiar
with North Dakota?
842
00:29:31,020 --> 00:29:32,605
Ed's uncle has
a ranch up there.
843
00:29:32,772 --> 00:29:34,983
Wow! That is something
to know, there.
844
00:29:35,066 --> 00:29:37,277
Uh, no, it's actually on the
opposite side of Bismarck.
845
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,487
You have Bismarck here,
but once you go around...
846
00:29:39,571 --> 00:29:41,114
You know the tunnel.
It's right there.
847
00:29:41,197 --> 00:29:42,490
Bismarck's in the middle.
848
00:29:42,615 --> 00:29:45,095
When you said "middle", all I saw
was Rita Hayworth. (CHUCKLES)
849
00:29:45,201 --> 00:29:47,121
I mean, there's a striking
resemblance, isn't it?
850
00:29:47,162 --> 00:29:48,288
Oh, thank you, Father.
851
00:29:48,371 --> 00:29:49,539
No, there isn't.
852
00:29:49,914 --> 00:29:52,083
So, Doug,
when was the last time
853
00:29:52,167 --> 00:29:54,169
that you and Bic
saw each other?
854
00:29:56,212 --> 00:29:57,755
March.
March?
855
00:29:57,839 --> 00:29:58,965
Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
856
00:29:59,048 --> 00:30:01,288
Because, see, in March... April,
I was in the Middle East.
857
00:30:01,301 --> 00:30:03,803
Muffin juice. After that
is when I was training.
858
00:30:03,887 --> 00:30:04,929
Cottage cheese helmet.
859
00:30:05,054 --> 00:30:06,931
And from there is
when I was traveling,
860
00:30:07,015 --> 00:30:08,057
so you're talking
three, four...
861
00:30:08,183 --> 00:30:10,059
Three, four, six, seven months ago.
...six, seven years ago.
862
00:30:10,143 --> 00:30:11,144
Years ago.
863
00:30:11,227 --> 00:30:13,188
Honey, I thought you saw Bic at
the Vatican a couple years ago.
864
00:30:13,271 --> 00:30:14,272
Wait, what did you say?
865
00:30:14,355 --> 00:30:16,274
When you were in Rome,
you and Bic.
866
00:30:16,441 --> 00:30:18,943
Oh, boy, that's right.
Because you left in March.
867
00:30:19,027 --> 00:30:20,612
Red-hot pussy seltzer.
868
00:30:21,237 --> 00:30:22,697
(GASPS)
Right? Right. Yeah.
869
00:30:22,780 --> 00:30:23,781
That sounds right.
870
00:30:23,865 --> 00:30:25,200
What did you just say?
DOUG: Hmm?
871
00:30:25,283 --> 00:30:27,535
I think you said,
"Red-hot pussy seltzer."
872
00:30:27,619 --> 00:30:29,746
Why would you say that?
ED: Red-hot pussy seltzer?
873
00:30:30,788 --> 00:30:31,789
GRETCHEN: Honey?
874
00:30:32,415 --> 00:30:34,459
What's 34 times 12?
408.
875
00:30:35,376 --> 00:30:36,669
Shit, I didn't expect
an answer that quick.
876
00:30:36,753 --> 00:30:37,754
Breathe, Doug.
877
00:30:37,879 --> 00:30:39,589
Baby, what is going on with you?
(CLEARS THROAT)
878
00:30:39,756 --> 00:30:40,798
DOUG: I, uh...
879
00:30:41,716 --> 00:30:42,759
I, um...
880
00:30:43,927 --> 00:30:45,678
I have to be
honest with you guys.
881
00:30:46,346 --> 00:30:47,514
Oh, my God!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
882
00:30:48,556 --> 00:30:49,766
(SCREAMING)
(ALL GASP)
883
00:30:49,849 --> 00:30:51,476
Honey?
Shit, that burns!
884
00:30:51,768 --> 00:30:54,270
Guys, that was so hot. I'm sorry, Doug.
It burns!
885
00:30:54,437 --> 00:30:55,605
Oh, God!
886
00:30:55,688 --> 00:30:57,368
Sorry. I didn't know
it was that hot, guys.
887
00:30:57,398 --> 00:30:58,858
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
888
00:30:59,025 --> 00:31:00,860
GRANDMA: I'm on fire!
JIMMY: Oh, my God!
889
00:31:01,027 --> 00:31:03,905
Shit! No! She's on fire!
890
00:31:04,948 --> 00:31:08,034
It's an inferno!
JIMMY: Holy shit!
891
00:31:09,285 --> 00:31:10,328
(SCREAMING)
892
00:31:10,411 --> 00:31:12,121
I need liquids!
JIMMY: Get back!
893
00:31:12,705 --> 00:31:14,707
ED: Oh, my God!
ALISON: Get something!
894
00:31:15,750 --> 00:31:17,377
It's making it worse!
895
00:31:18,836 --> 00:31:20,838
Give me the tablecloth!
896
00:31:20,922 --> 00:31:22,090
What is wrong with you?
897
00:31:22,173 --> 00:31:23,413
I'm going to get
something else!
898
00:31:23,466 --> 00:31:26,135
She just caught fire
so fast.
899
00:31:26,302 --> 00:31:30,181
Don't feel bad, Doug. She goes
through a can of Aqua Net a day.
900
00:31:30,682 --> 00:31:33,101
Hey, what did they say? Is she okay?
Is she going to be all right?
901
00:31:33,268 --> 00:31:36,229
Gretchen, how do you
like your grandma?
902
00:31:36,396 --> 00:31:39,482
What? I love her. You know that.
What happened?
903
00:31:39,566 --> 00:31:41,734
No, I mean, how do you like her?
Medium, well-done?
904
00:31:41,985 --> 00:31:42,985
Oh, my God, Dad.
905
00:31:43,027 --> 00:31:44,195
You can be
such an asshole.
906
00:31:44,279 --> 00:31:45,738
She has some minor burns
907
00:31:45,822 --> 00:31:47,574
to her head, chest,
back, neck, and breasts,
908
00:31:47,657 --> 00:31:49,337
but the doctor says
she's going to be fine.
909
00:31:49,367 --> 00:31:51,077
Oh, thank God. Come
on, let's go see her.
910
00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:53,371
I, uh...
I feel just awful.
911
00:31:53,538 --> 00:31:54,738
Well, shake it off.
If you knew
912
00:31:54,789 --> 00:31:56,082
what the old lady says
behind your back,
913
00:31:56,165 --> 00:31:57,542
you would have
done it on purpose.
914
00:31:57,625 --> 00:32:00,211
But let me say, that was a hell
of a tackle for a tenderfoot.
915
00:32:00,503 --> 00:32:04,090
Tenderfoot? Oh, Douglas was quite
the halfback back in college.
916
00:32:04,257 --> 00:32:06,426
You played football, Doug?
How come you never told me?
917
00:32:06,509 --> 00:32:08,428
I thought you were
just a nerd fan.
918
00:32:08,595 --> 00:32:09,804
(DOUG STAMMERING)
919
00:32:10,305 --> 00:32:13,183
Yeah. Yeah,
intramurals, scrimmage.
920
00:32:13,266 --> 00:32:14,976
We scrimmaged, the boys.
921
00:32:15,059 --> 00:32:18,354
And, you know, I made the all-campus
team a couple times in football.
922
00:32:18,479 --> 00:32:19,981
I was an all-conference
nose tackle.
923
00:32:20,064 --> 00:32:22,150
Half the team's
coming in for the wedding.
924
00:32:22,275 --> 00:32:24,902
Why don't we have a friendly
game of two-hand touch?
925
00:32:25,069 --> 00:32:26,946
You know, the old-timers
versus the groomsmen.
926
00:32:27,030 --> 00:32:28,031
What do you say?
927
00:32:28,156 --> 00:32:30,366
I think that's
quite the invitation, Ed,
928
00:32:30,450 --> 00:32:32,118
but there's
so much going on.
929
00:32:32,201 --> 00:32:34,829
I just feel like
there's not enough time.
930
00:32:34,912 --> 00:32:36,623
Oh, what's
the matter, Bic?
931
00:32:36,706 --> 00:32:39,042
Afraid of getting your asses
kicked by some old-timers?
932
00:32:43,755 --> 00:32:45,214
I don't think so, Pops.
933
00:32:51,429 --> 00:32:54,265
All things considered, not
that bad for a Shotgun Intro.
934
00:32:54,349 --> 00:32:58,227
Not that bad? I just set
Gretchen's grandmother on fire.
935
00:32:58,311 --> 00:33:01,022
Wrong. We sacrificed Grandma
for the sake of the mission.
936
00:33:01,105 --> 00:33:02,148
I feel terrible.
937
00:33:02,231 --> 00:33:04,275
Feelings are irrelevant
in the big con.
938
00:33:04,359 --> 00:33:06,569
What's important is that
our cover wasn't blown.
939
00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:09,238
Every test that we encounter
will be the same, pass or fail.
940
00:33:09,322 --> 00:33:11,199
As long as we pass, it
doesn't matter how we do it.
941
00:33:11,282 --> 00:33:13,326
I still can't believe they
actually bought all that
942
00:33:13,409 --> 00:33:15,620
People believe because they
have no reason not to.
943
00:33:15,703 --> 00:33:16,829
We're going to have to
be on top of our game.
944
00:33:16,913 --> 00:33:18,081
That family was sharp.
945
00:33:18,164 --> 00:33:19,374
Come on,
we've got to go.
946
00:33:19,457 --> 00:33:21,497
I've got some really important
people waiting on us.
947
00:33:22,377 --> 00:33:24,577
(ALL GREETING) JIMMY: Look who I have?
Dougie-Doug-Doug!
948
00:33:24,587 --> 00:33:25,588
ENDO: Dougie Fresh!
949
00:33:25,672 --> 00:33:26,714
Doug, you look great, man.
950
00:33:26,798 --> 00:33:27,840
You're losing weight,
fat ass.
951
00:33:27,924 --> 00:33:29,164
ENDO: Oh, he had to
lose weight.
952
00:33:30,426 --> 00:33:31,761
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Ow!
953
00:33:32,011 --> 00:33:34,347
All right.
All right, stop.
954
00:33:34,430 --> 00:33:35,473
(ALL LAUGHING)
955
00:33:35,556 --> 00:33:37,058
Who are these people?
What, are you kidding?
956
00:33:37,141 --> 00:33:38,518
You don't recognize these guys?
No.
957
00:33:38,601 --> 00:33:40,561
You're looking at your groomsmen.
Come on, man.
958
00:33:40,645 --> 00:33:41,729
Hey, Doug.
959
00:33:45,233 --> 00:33:46,233
How have you been, bro?
960
00:33:46,275 --> 00:33:48,528
Good. Yeah, real good. You?
961
00:33:48,611 --> 00:33:50,029
You know,
same old same old.
962
00:33:50,530 --> 00:33:52,281
(YELLS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
963
00:33:52,573 --> 00:33:54,534
Stop it, man.
Stop it, man.
964
00:33:54,617 --> 00:33:56,452
Every time. Every time.
965
00:33:56,536 --> 00:33:58,121
Jimmy, can I talk to you
for a second?
966
00:33:58,204 --> 00:33:59,956
These guys cannot
be my groomsmen.
967
00:34:00,039 --> 00:34:01,124
JIMMY: What are you
talking about?
968
00:34:01,207 --> 00:34:03,376
For one thing, it looks like
the entire cast of Goonies
969
00:34:03,459 --> 00:34:04,539
grew up and became rapists.
970
00:34:04,585 --> 00:34:05,753
This one in particular
looks like
971
00:34:05,837 --> 00:34:07,505
he just broke out of
a federal fucking prison.
972
00:34:07,588 --> 00:34:09,588
What you need to do is keep
it down because he did.
973
00:34:09,590 --> 00:34:10,800
And he raped
a lot of men in there. Yes.
974
00:34:10,883 --> 00:34:13,052
Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.
975
00:34:13,136 --> 00:34:15,897
He's got a dark past, but when you
throw a tux on that son of a bitch,
976
00:34:15,930 --> 00:34:17,056
you're not going to
find anybody better.
977
00:34:17,140 --> 00:34:18,641
The Asian
has his dick out.
978
00:34:18,725 --> 00:34:20,184
Endo, put it up.
979
00:34:20,309 --> 00:34:22,019
No. You have to get
a new party trick.
980
00:34:22,103 --> 00:34:24,856
People love it.
Is that a third testicle?
981
00:34:24,981 --> 00:34:26,649
Does he have three testicles?
Yeah, I've got three.
982
00:34:26,733 --> 00:34:28,818
How is that a party trick?
That's neither here nor there.
983
00:34:28,901 --> 00:34:30,653
Oh, I'm dead. You didn't
give me a lot of time, man.
984
00:34:30,737 --> 00:34:31,738
Oh, God.
985
00:34:31,821 --> 00:34:33,531
You gave me seven names, I brought
you back seven groomsmen.
986
00:34:33,656 --> 00:34:35,533
I should just call it off. No!
These guys are great, man.
987
00:34:35,616 --> 00:34:38,077
You're looking at the best of the best.
Not the best of the best.
988
00:34:38,161 --> 00:34:40,288
They're the best of
what I had to choose from.
989
00:34:40,496 --> 00:34:42,415
I'm dead.
(STAMMERS)
990
00:34:42,915 --> 00:34:44,250
We've got Dickerson.
Yo.
991
00:34:44,333 --> 00:34:46,294
Dickerson, you're a lounge
singer from Canada.
992
00:34:46,377 --> 00:34:48,796
You perform four nights a
week at the Walleye Nook.
993
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:51,090
You do a mean Tom Jones.
Now, that part's imperative.
994
00:34:51,174 --> 00:34:52,717
She won't buy it unless she
knows that you can sing.
995
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:53,885
Doug, I'm not
trying to be rude,
996
00:34:53,968 --> 00:34:55,094
but nobody here
really gives a fuck.
997
00:34:55,178 --> 00:34:56,262
We're just
assigning roles.
998
00:34:56,345 --> 00:34:58,139
We can get all the ancillary
particulars later on.
999
00:34:58,222 --> 00:34:59,307
DORIS: Garvey,
you're a botanist.
1000
00:34:59,390 --> 00:35:02,143
You and Doug went to camp together
from 6th grade through 10th.
1001
00:35:02,226 --> 00:35:06,522
Rambis, you're a principal at Saint
Peter's Middle School in Provo, Utah.
1002
00:35:06,606 --> 00:35:10,193
And you're a regional racquetball champion.
Lefty, good serve.
1003
00:35:10,526 --> 00:35:11,944
Plunkett, you're a lawyer.
1004
00:35:12,028 --> 00:35:15,281
You specialize in environmental
law with a focus on forestry.
1005
00:35:15,364 --> 00:35:17,366
Carew, you're
a podiatrist in Knoxville.
1006
00:35:17,450 --> 00:35:18,868
Divorced, no kids.
1007
00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:20,912
I have to say, all these
guys seem a little off,
1008
00:35:20,995 --> 00:35:22,663
but you
at least look normal.
1009
00:35:22,747 --> 00:35:24,791
Oh, thanks, Doug,
I appreciate that, man.
1010
00:35:25,208 --> 00:35:27,376
I'm just happy to
(STUTTERS) be here.
1011
00:35:29,045 --> 00:35:30,880
DORIS: Drysdale,
you teach philosophy
1012
00:35:30,963 --> 00:35:32,465
at Bardonia
Community College.
1013
00:35:32,548 --> 00:35:33,591
You're a vegan.
1014
00:35:33,674 --> 00:35:36,803
You're also working on your first
book called The Way of Wonder.
1015
00:35:36,886 --> 00:35:38,721
What the fuck
does that even mean?
1016
00:35:38,805 --> 00:35:41,265
Thanks, Doug,
you fucking asshole.
1017
00:35:41,349 --> 00:35:43,309
DORIS: Alzado, you're
a computer programmer.
1018
00:35:43,392 --> 00:35:44,352
You met Dougie
at a conference
1019
00:35:44,435 --> 00:35:45,478
in Baton Rouge.
1020
00:35:45,603 --> 00:35:46,604
Do you want to trade?
1021
00:35:46,687 --> 00:35:48,022
Hell, yeah. I need to
eat some meat, man.
1022
00:35:48,105 --> 00:35:49,106
This vegan life
isn't for me.
1023
00:35:49,190 --> 00:35:50,900
Hey. There will be
no trading!
1024
00:35:51,025 --> 00:35:53,319
Anything else, Doug? Yeah. Plunkett's
got to be in a wheelchair.
1025
00:35:53,402 --> 00:35:54,737
He was hit by a car.
What?
1026
00:35:54,821 --> 00:35:56,447
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, it's not funny.
1027
00:35:56,531 --> 00:35:57,657
I'm supposed to crush ass.
1028
00:35:57,740 --> 00:35:59,033
I told him he was
going to crush ass.
1029
00:35:59,116 --> 00:36:00,159
Argh!
JIMMY: Listen up.
1030
00:36:00,243 --> 00:36:02,870
Double check your measurements
and perfect your PTD's, guys.
1031
00:36:03,079 --> 00:36:05,206
"PTD'S"? That's your Party
Trick Distractions.
1032
00:36:05,289 --> 00:36:07,208
If you get backed in a corner
and you don't know what to do,
1033
00:36:07,291 --> 00:36:08,334
pull out your PTD.
1034
00:36:08,417 --> 00:36:10,086
Can I do my Cockney accent?
1035
00:36:10,253 --> 00:36:12,713
You're a principal in Utah. Why the
fuck would you have a Cockney accent?
1036
00:36:12,797 --> 00:36:14,465
I could have
moved there, right?
1037
00:36:16,217 --> 00:36:17,802
Any more questions?
1038
00:36:17,885 --> 00:36:19,428
Yeah. When is
the bachelor party?
1039
00:36:19,512 --> 00:36:21,013
I don't see nothing
in the package about it.
1040
00:36:21,097 --> 00:36:22,223
ENDO: That's a good question.
(ALL AGREEING)
1041
00:36:22,306 --> 00:36:24,141
Oh, no, no. There's going
to be no bachelor party.
1042
00:36:24,225 --> 00:36:26,644
Gretchen and I, we both decided
that it was better that we...
1043
00:36:26,769 --> 00:36:30,064
Stop. There's no such thing as a mutual
decision until after you're married.
1044
00:36:30,147 --> 00:36:32,316
Right now, the only "we..."
1045
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:34,235
GROOMSMEN: ls me and my balls.
1046
00:36:34,402 --> 00:36:35,403
Balls.
1047
00:36:35,695 --> 00:36:37,738
All right, guys, listen up.
1048
00:36:38,614 --> 00:36:42,451
You have one week to know
this information so well,
1049
00:36:42,910 --> 00:36:44,954
it becomes a permanent
part of your memory.
1050
00:36:46,289 --> 00:36:50,376
That means that we've got one
week to pull off the first ever
1051
00:36:51,961 --> 00:36:53,004
Golden Tux.
1052
00:36:54,714 --> 00:36:57,592
Understand something. This has
never been done, gentlemen.
1053
00:37:00,094 --> 00:37:02,494
Let's go make some fucking history, huh?
(GROOMSMEN CHEERING)
1054
00:37:02,513 --> 00:37:04,891
♪ Don't worry about me
I'm gonna make it all right
1055
00:37:04,974 --> 00:37:06,893
♪ Got my enemies
crossed out in my sight
1056
00:37:06,976 --> 00:37:09,270
♪ I take a bad situation
Gonna make it right
1057
00:37:09,437 --> 00:37:10,563
Got it.
1058
00:37:10,646 --> 00:37:12,189
♪ She's not the one
coming back for you
1059
00:37:13,149 --> 00:37:15,151
Hey! Hey,
you son of a bitch!
1060
00:37:15,318 --> 00:37:17,236
Suck it! Suck it!
1061
00:37:17,778 --> 00:37:19,280
You're going to suck it!
1062
00:37:20,656 --> 00:37:21,866
(CAMERA CLICKS)
1063
00:37:23,326 --> 00:37:25,077
(YELLING)
(CAMERA CLICKS)
1064
00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:28,205
♪ If I fall back down
1065
00:37:28,998 --> 00:37:30,166
Hello.
1066
00:37:30,541 --> 00:37:32,960
♪ Well, the worst of times,
now they don't phase me
1067
00:37:33,044 --> 00:37:35,212
♪ Even if I look
and act really crazy
1068
00:37:35,296 --> 00:37:37,048
♪ I went way down,
she betrayed me
1069
00:37:37,506 --> 00:37:41,802
♪ Now my vision is no longer hazy
I'm very lucky to have my crew
1070
00:37:42,136 --> 00:37:44,263
♪ They stood by me
when she flew
1071
00:37:44,347 --> 00:37:46,265
♪ She's not the one
coming back for you
1072
00:37:46,349 --> 00:37:48,434
♪ If I fall back down
1073
00:37:48,517 --> 00:37:50,436
(WHOOPING) ♪ You're gonna
help me back up again
1074
00:37:50,519 --> 00:37:51,979
Classic, Doug!
1075
00:37:52,063 --> 00:37:54,899
♪ If I fall back down,
you're gonna be my friend ♪
1076
00:37:54,982 --> 00:37:56,525
JIMMY: Let's go,
let's go, let's go!
1077
00:37:57,693 --> 00:37:59,195
You got it?
All right, let's go.
1078
00:37:59,278 --> 00:38:00,321
Go, go!
1079
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:03,532
(DOUG MOANING)
1080
00:38:04,033 --> 00:38:05,034
(AS BRIDE)
What are you doing?
1081
00:38:05,117 --> 00:38:06,877
(AS GROOM) It's a trick
I learned in Vietnam.
1082
00:38:06,953 --> 00:38:08,663
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
1083
00:38:09,372 --> 00:38:11,499
Just prepping for
a little bit of this.
1084
00:38:11,582 --> 00:38:12,792
Tahiti?
1085
00:38:12,875 --> 00:38:13,834
(SQUEALS)
Voted the number-one
1086
00:38:13,918 --> 00:38:15,628
most romantic
honeymoon destination.
1087
00:38:15,795 --> 00:38:16,796
That's amazing!
1088
00:38:16,879 --> 00:38:17,999
It's going to be incredible.
1089
00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:20,257
Oh, my gosh. Honey, that's...
(MOANING)
1090
00:38:20,716 --> 00:38:22,301
Hey, what has gotten
into you this week?
1091
00:38:22,385 --> 00:38:24,220
I've just never
seen you so frisky.
1092
00:38:24,303 --> 00:38:26,013
I just feel really good
about everything.
1093
00:38:26,097 --> 00:38:27,417
We're getting married
on Saturday.
1094
00:38:27,473 --> 00:38:29,392
It's exciting. Your friends
are gonna be there.
1095
00:38:29,475 --> 00:38:30,476
(INHALES) My friends are
all gonna be there.
1096
00:38:30,893 --> 00:38:32,061
I just hope
it all goes smoothly.
1097
00:38:32,144 --> 00:38:33,479
I checked
the 10-day forecast.
1098
00:38:33,646 --> 00:38:36,232
Sweetie, it's LA. It's not
like it's going to rain.
1099
00:38:36,732 --> 00:38:37,984
What the fuck
did you just say?
1100
00:38:38,067 --> 00:38:39,777
Whoa.
Are you kidding?
1101
00:38:39,860 --> 00:38:40,860
What are you doing?
1102
00:38:40,903 --> 00:38:42,279
Why did you say
the fucking R-word?
1103
00:38:42,363 --> 00:38:43,698
(WHISPERING) Shh.
Calm down. Calm down.
1104
00:38:43,823 --> 00:38:45,700
I didn't say it was going to rain.
(GRUNTS)
1105
00:38:46,033 --> 00:38:48,536
You just said it again. This
is twice now in two minutes.
1106
00:38:48,619 --> 00:38:49,912
Are you fucking serious?
1107
00:38:49,996 --> 00:38:50,997
(WHISPERING)
Gretchen, calm down.
1108
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:54,208
I just don't understand why you
continue to say this stupid shit.
1109
00:38:54,291 --> 00:38:56,419
Okay, you're right. But you know what?
(SIGHS)
1110
00:38:56,919 --> 00:38:59,547
We climbed
the glaciers of what?
1111
00:39:00,214 --> 00:39:01,298
Uh...
1112
00:39:01,382 --> 00:39:03,217
It was... It was, uh...
1113
00:39:03,551 --> 00:39:05,344
It's Patagonia.
Padronia.
1114
00:39:05,428 --> 00:39:06,428
Patagonia.
1115
00:39:06,470 --> 00:39:07,596
Political views?
1116
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:08,723
Staunch Republican.
Got it.
1117
00:39:08,889 --> 00:39:11,392
Patagonia.
Pagon.
1118
00:39:11,767 --> 00:39:13,853
I'm a doctor.
What type?
1119
00:39:13,936 --> 00:39:16,147
Podiatrist.
Is that right?
1120
00:39:16,230 --> 00:39:18,024
I think that's right.
That's what it says?
1121
00:39:18,107 --> 00:39:19,358
Yeah. I'm a kid doctor.
1122
00:39:19,442 --> 00:39:20,609
No.
1123
00:39:20,735 --> 00:39:22,486
What are your views
on gluten?
1124
00:39:22,570 --> 00:39:23,779
It's a myth.
1125
00:39:23,863 --> 00:39:25,156
Pata...
Pata...
1126
00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:26,240
...go...
1127
00:39:26,574 --> 00:39:29,326
My name is Hobie Plunkett
and I collect...
1128
00:39:29,410 --> 00:39:31,454
Playbills.
Cabbage Patch Kids?
1129
00:39:31,537 --> 00:39:34,206
No, man, it's exotic pets,
you dumb motherfucker.
1130
00:39:34,290 --> 00:39:36,042
Dumb? You can't even say
"Patagonia," you idiot.
1131
00:39:36,125 --> 00:39:37,209
Garvey's family
owns a "blank" farm.
1132
00:39:37,293 --> 00:39:38,293
Chinchillas.
1133
00:39:38,335 --> 00:39:39,670
Nice.
1134
00:39:39,754 --> 00:39:41,589
Hey, come on, we have to
hammer out this toast, man.
1135
00:39:41,672 --> 00:39:42,715
Right.
1136
00:39:42,798 --> 00:39:44,592
They're going to want to
know why she's "the one."
1137
00:39:44,675 --> 00:39:46,595
It's like a band playing
their most popular song.
1138
00:39:46,677 --> 00:39:47,887
The crowd is just
waiting to hear it.
1139
00:39:47,970 --> 00:39:49,690
Let's start with
the first time you saw her.
1140
00:39:49,764 --> 00:39:52,892
Oh, she was
wearing a dress.
1141
00:39:52,975 --> 00:39:56,645
And she was pretty.
1142
00:39:58,314 --> 00:40:02,068
That's it? Why are you marrying her?
Why are you in love with her?
1143
00:40:02,151 --> 00:40:04,361
What makes her different than any
other girl that you ever met?
1144
00:40:04,445 --> 00:40:06,280
She talked to me.
She talked to you?
1145
00:40:06,363 --> 00:40:08,824
What? Yeah, seriously. Her dad
was a client at the firm.
1146
00:40:08,949 --> 00:40:10,409
I had seen her
a couple of times,
1147
00:40:10,493 --> 00:40:11,973
but she never gave me
the time of day.
1148
00:40:11,994 --> 00:40:15,247
And then one day I ran into
her, and it was just different.
1149
00:40:15,331 --> 00:40:17,750
She knew my name, she asked
me to go get a sandwich.
1150
00:40:17,833 --> 00:40:20,878
You're not helping me.
You have to dig deep.
1151
00:40:20,961 --> 00:40:23,089
Like, "From across the
room, she looked at me"
1152
00:40:23,172 --> 00:40:24,612
"and I swear it was like
slow motion.
1153
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:28,469
"All the room stood still. I closed
my eyes and I reached out my hand,
1154
00:40:28,552 --> 00:40:30,179
"and in return,
I got a soul."
1155
00:40:30,262 --> 00:40:33,015
"And that's when I knew
that we were soul mates."
1156
00:40:33,099 --> 00:40:34,600
That's what I need, Doug.
1157
00:40:34,683 --> 00:40:36,102
But that's not real.
1158
00:40:36,769 --> 00:40:37,895
(SIGHS)
1159
00:40:39,605 --> 00:40:41,982
All right, Tonto.
Do you want to see real?
1160
00:40:42,358 --> 00:40:43,692
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
1161
00:40:44,193 --> 00:40:45,444
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
1162
00:40:45,528 --> 00:40:47,988
Yo!
Puta madre. I'm coming.
1163
00:40:50,282 --> 00:40:53,035
Hi! Oh, my God!
1164
00:40:53,452 --> 00:40:56,288
What a delightful surprise.
1165
00:40:56,372 --> 00:40:59,166
I wish you would have called before.
My place is a pig sty.
1166
00:40:59,250 --> 00:41:00,584
Eddie. Hey,
Eddie, stop. Stop.
1167
00:41:00,668 --> 00:41:02,169
No mas. He's one of us.
1168
00:41:02,253 --> 00:41:03,296
What the fuck, cabrón?
1169
00:41:03,379 --> 00:41:05,464
Yeah. What the hell
is going on here?
1170
00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:07,716
I want to introduce you
to Dirty Eddie Sanchez.
1171
00:41:09,051 --> 00:41:10,386
His family had
a wedding planning business
1172
00:41:10,469 --> 00:41:12,304
that was one of
the biggest in the city.
1173
00:41:12,388 --> 00:41:15,391
But, after Father of the Bride
came out on DVD and Blu-ray,
1174
00:41:15,724 --> 00:41:17,268
nobody wanted to take advice
from a Mexican kid
1175
00:41:17,351 --> 00:41:18,519
from Boyle Heights.
1176
00:41:18,686 --> 00:41:20,846
So, what he decided to do
was flame it up a little bit.
1177
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:23,399
Hence, Edmundo.
1178
00:41:23,899 --> 00:41:25,192
Da-da-da-da!
1179
00:41:25,401 --> 00:41:26,610
Business skyrocketed.
1180
00:41:26,694 --> 00:41:29,280
This is so fucked up
on so many levels.
1181
00:41:29,697 --> 00:41:33,450
So, ese, why did you
bring him here?
1182
00:41:33,576 --> 00:41:35,496
He's taking this wedding
thing way too seriously.
1183
00:41:35,619 --> 00:41:38,747
All right, look, vato, weddings
are just overblown parties
1184
00:41:38,831 --> 00:41:41,208
direct from women's
unreasonable fantasies
1185
00:41:41,292 --> 00:41:43,586
and preconceived notions
that originated in childhood.
1186
00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:45,712
So, don't sweat the morality
of what you're doing.
1187
00:41:45,754 --> 00:41:48,257
Just make sure the bride
and her mother are happy.
1188
00:41:48,340 --> 00:41:50,050
We're in this together,
homie.
1189
00:41:50,259 --> 00:41:51,260
Is that your girl?
1190
00:41:51,343 --> 00:41:52,720
Fuck no.
That's my sister.
1191
00:41:53,470 --> 00:41:54,722
That's my girl.
1192
00:41:55,014 --> 00:41:56,765
What's up?
Oh, fuck.
1193
00:41:56,849 --> 00:41:58,100
Do you want some nachos?
1194
00:41:58,184 --> 00:41:59,226
I'm actually okay.
1195
00:41:59,310 --> 00:42:00,311
No, late before I came.
1196
00:42:00,394 --> 00:42:01,353
I'm sorry.
What did you just ask them?
1197
00:42:01,437 --> 00:42:02,438
I asked them if
they wanted nachos.
1198
00:42:02,521 --> 00:42:03,522
Nachos?
1199
00:42:03,606 --> 00:42:04,690
The guy's getting
married in a week
1200
00:42:04,773 --> 00:42:05,900
and you're gonna
offer him nachos?
1201
00:42:05,983 --> 00:42:08,027
Look at him! What do you think
cheese is going to do to him?
1202
00:42:08,110 --> 00:42:09,236
I thought
they wanted nachos.
1203
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:10,446
Use your fucking head.
1204
00:42:10,613 --> 00:42:11,697
I'm going to take some.
1205
00:42:11,780 --> 00:42:12,780
Sit down, Jimmy!
1206
00:42:12,823 --> 00:42:14,366
I tried.
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
1207
00:42:16,785 --> 00:42:20,039
They've been together for some time now.
Nothing's going to happen.
1208
00:42:20,122 --> 00:42:21,540
What?
Nothing.
1209
00:42:21,624 --> 00:42:23,083
You guys make
a beautiful couple.
1210
00:42:23,167 --> 00:42:24,210
Bitches, right?
1211
00:42:24,418 --> 00:42:25,419
(LAUGHING)
1212
00:42:25,794 --> 00:42:27,504
Do you want some weed?
1213
00:42:27,588 --> 00:42:28,631
No, no, I'm good.
1214
00:42:28,881 --> 00:42:30,841
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut
1215
00:42:30,925 --> 00:42:32,551
♪ And light that shit up
1216
00:42:32,718 --> 00:42:35,304
♪ You put the weed in the
coconut And light that shit up
1217
00:42:35,429 --> 00:42:37,306
Get him to sing it. Come on, white boy.
I'm good, I'm good.
1218
00:42:37,598 --> 00:42:39,798
♪ You put the weed in the
coconut And light that shit up
1219
00:42:39,808 --> 00:42:41,602
You're being disrespectful.
Sing the fucking song.
1220
00:42:41,685 --> 00:42:43,885
♪ You put the weed in the
coconut And light that shit up
1221
00:42:43,938 --> 00:42:46,315
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) ♪ You
put the weed in the coconut
1222
00:42:46,398 --> 00:42:47,733
♪ And light that shit up
1223
00:42:48,067 --> 00:42:53,155
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut ♪
1224
00:42:56,450 --> 00:42:58,661
You two better not
fuck this up.
1225
00:42:58,953 --> 00:43:00,037
DOUG: Why are we here?
1226
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:01,956
JIMMY: It's called a dry run.
I do it with all my grooms.
1227
00:43:02,039 --> 00:43:03,916
I hate this stuff.
1228
00:43:03,999 --> 00:43:07,711
Hey, that's why we're here.
Groom desensitization, okay?
1229
00:43:07,795 --> 00:43:09,421
That's a rum and Coke.
That's your favorite, right?
1230
00:43:09,505 --> 00:43:10,464
Yeah. How did you know that?
1231
00:43:10,547 --> 00:43:12,174
I know everything, Doug.
Drink up.
1232
00:43:12,258 --> 00:43:14,009
All right, I want you to
keep reminding yourself that
1233
00:43:14,093 --> 00:43:15,173
weddings are for the women.
1234
00:43:15,219 --> 00:43:17,304
You're not supposed
to enjoy yourself, Doug.
1235
00:43:17,388 --> 00:43:19,265
If you were, there would
be big-screen TVs,
1236
00:43:19,348 --> 00:43:20,391
there would be gambling.
1237
00:43:20,474 --> 00:43:21,600
There's none of that there.
1238
00:43:21,684 --> 00:43:23,894
Okay, NAS
and we won't get caught.
1239
00:43:23,978 --> 00:43:25,396
Wait, what?
1240
00:43:25,479 --> 00:43:27,606
(SIGHS) NAS, Doug.
1241
00:43:27,690 --> 00:43:30,859
Nod and smile.
All right? Let's go.
1242
00:43:32,528 --> 00:43:33,529
(MOUTHS)
1243
00:43:34,029 --> 00:43:35,614
You all look good.
1244
00:43:36,865 --> 00:43:37,908
How are you, man?
Oh.
1245
00:43:40,369 --> 00:43:42,705
And I said, well,
put the money in the bag.
1246
00:43:43,205 --> 00:43:44,581
(FEEDBACK)
(GLASS CLINKING)
1247
00:43:44,665 --> 00:43:46,834
Hello.
Uh-oh. Showtime.
1248
00:43:47,209 --> 00:43:48,769
DOUG: Now, is this guy also a pro?
Yeah!
1249
00:43:48,794 --> 00:43:50,212
JIMMY: No. This guy
is not a professional.
1250
00:43:50,296 --> 00:43:51,297
(BEATBOXING)
1251
00:43:51,380 --> 00:43:53,382
Just kidding. I'm just kidding.
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
1252
00:43:54,008 --> 00:43:56,427
The moment Chris asked me
to be his best man,
1253
00:43:56,510 --> 00:43:59,555
I sat down and I wrote
a pretty awesome speech.
1254
00:44:00,806 --> 00:44:03,726
But I don't know. I think I'd
rather speak from the heart.
1255
00:44:05,144 --> 00:44:06,145
Oh, don't do that.
1256
00:44:06,228 --> 00:44:07,980
Don't you rip that paper up.
You never do that.
1257
00:44:08,063 --> 00:44:09,523
(CHUCKLES)
1258
00:44:09,857 --> 00:44:12,192
Uh, you know, when Chris...
1259
00:44:13,027 --> 00:44:15,529
When Chris and I
first met, we, um...
1260
00:44:17,406 --> 00:44:18,699
Uh, well...
1261
00:44:19,533 --> 00:44:22,661
Chris and I have known
each other since, uh...
1262
00:44:24,955 --> 00:44:26,165
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
1263
00:44:26,332 --> 00:44:27,499
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
1264
00:44:29,543 --> 00:44:33,339
Chris and I, you know,
we did stuff together.
1265
00:44:34,882 --> 00:44:36,467
(GAGS)
(GUESTS MURMURING)
1266
00:44:37,468 --> 00:44:38,761
He's going to throw up
on the fucking bride.
1267
00:44:38,844 --> 00:44:42,848
And, um, Chris has been
like a brother to me.
1268
00:44:43,265 --> 00:44:46,101
Well, because
my real brother died.
1269
00:44:46,602 --> 00:44:49,021
No. Well, he didn't
die immediately.
1270
00:44:49,104 --> 00:44:52,149
They revived him in the ambulance,
and then, he died later.
1271
00:44:52,566 --> 00:44:53,567
(SOFTLY)
Is he serious?
1272
00:44:55,444 --> 00:44:56,779
Adolf Hitler
once said...
1273
00:44:56,862 --> 00:44:58,447
Holy fucking shit.
1274
00:44:59,073 --> 00:45:00,949
Jesus Christ.
BEST MAN: Oh, God.
1275
00:45:01,116 --> 00:45:02,201
I'm just going to...
1276
00:45:02,284 --> 00:45:05,788
There was this one thing
I wanted to reference.
1277
00:45:06,455 --> 00:45:09,458
You know what? Fuck it.
Wolverines, brother!
1278
00:45:09,917 --> 00:45:11,543
I love you. Thank you.
1279
00:45:11,627 --> 00:45:13,128
(FEEDBACK) That's not
even the right way.
1280
00:45:13,212 --> 00:45:14,963
It's not an exit.
1281
00:45:15,756 --> 00:45:17,841
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
Okay. One, two...
1282
00:45:19,218 --> 00:45:21,011
♪ Ain't no mountain
high enough ♪
1283
00:45:21,095 --> 00:45:22,971
Are you okay?
Yeah.
1284
00:45:23,305 --> 00:45:25,140
Let's go dance.
No, thanks.
1285
00:45:25,307 --> 00:45:27,393
Douglas, you can hide
a fat ass in baggy pants,
1286
00:45:27,476 --> 00:45:28,936
but you cannot
hide a bad dancer.
1287
00:45:29,019 --> 00:45:30,145
Come on,
I'll teach you some basics.
1288
00:45:30,229 --> 00:45:31,397
I'm not dancing.
1289
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:33,357
It is my job to make you look
good on your wedding day.
1290
00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:34,525
Now, I need you
to get comfortable
1291
00:45:34,608 --> 00:45:36,485
with being uncomfortable.
Come on.
1292
00:45:37,361 --> 00:45:39,238
Stop being a pussy.
Let's dance.
1293
00:45:44,493 --> 00:45:45,494
Come on, you lead.
1294
00:45:45,577 --> 00:45:46,829
No, I don't want to lead.
1295
00:45:46,912 --> 00:45:48,539
Okay, then, fine,
be the chick, Doug.
1296
00:45:48,997 --> 00:45:51,291
On second thought, I will lead.
Whatever, Doug.
1297
00:45:51,375 --> 00:45:52,418
Just follow me.
I really don't get it.
1298
00:45:52,501 --> 00:45:53,961
(BAND PLAYING TANGO MUSIC)
1299
00:46:02,177 --> 00:46:03,220
Back.
1300
00:46:04,930 --> 00:46:07,224
Nice rond de jambe.
Thanks.
1301
00:46:08,475 --> 00:46:09,768
Twelve years of
dance lessons.
1302
00:46:09,852 --> 00:46:11,979
My mom said, "One day,
they would come in handy."
1303
00:46:12,271 --> 00:46:13,939
I doubt this is
what she had in mind.
1304
00:46:15,482 --> 00:46:16,762
You asked how
a gal like Gretchen
1305
00:46:16,817 --> 00:46:18,193
could fall for
a yutz like me.
1306
00:46:18,444 --> 00:46:19,653
I took her dancing.
1307
00:46:19,945 --> 00:46:24,491
♪ Whoo! Now can you
hand jive, baby?
1308
00:46:24,575 --> 00:46:27,870
♪ Oh, can you hand jive, baby?
1309
00:46:27,995 --> 00:46:28,996
♪ Oh, yeah
1310
00:46:29,079 --> 00:46:30,872
♪ Oh, yeah
1311
00:46:31,832 --> 00:46:33,041
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
1312
00:46:33,792 --> 00:46:34,835
♪ Teach me how to dougie
1313
00:46:34,918 --> 00:46:36,238
♪ Teach me, teach me
how to dougie
1314
00:46:36,670 --> 00:46:37,671
♪ Teach me how to dougie
1315
00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:39,381
♪ Teach me, teach me
how to dougie
1316
00:46:39,465 --> 00:46:40,507
♪ All my women love me
1317
00:46:40,591 --> 00:46:42,092
♪ All my...
All my women love me
1318
00:46:42,176 --> 00:46:43,218
♪ All my women love me
1319
00:46:43,302 --> 00:46:44,845
♪ You ain't messing
with my dougie
1320
00:46:44,928 --> 00:46:46,096
♪ Teach me how to dougie
1321
00:46:46,180 --> 00:46:47,389
♪ Teach me, teach me
how to dougie
1322
00:46:47,473 --> 00:46:48,807
(GUESTS CHEERING)
♪ Teach me how to dougie
1323
00:46:48,891 --> 00:46:50,291
♪ Teach me, teach me
how to dougie ♪
1324
00:46:50,642 --> 00:46:52,603
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
1325
00:46:52,728 --> 00:46:57,274
♪ La, la, la, la
1326
00:47:00,736 --> 00:47:04,072
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
1327
00:47:04,198 --> 00:47:06,325
♪ La, la, la, la
1328
00:47:07,201 --> 00:47:08,243
(WHISPERING)
You bastard.
1329
00:47:11,246 --> 00:47:14,750
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
1330
00:47:15,375 --> 00:47:18,545
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
Oh.
1331
00:47:19,296 --> 00:47:20,923
(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
1332
00:47:22,591 --> 00:47:23,884
(ALL CHEERING)
1333
00:47:43,820 --> 00:47:45,614
(MUSIC STOPS)
(GUESTS CHEERING)
1334
00:47:48,575 --> 00:47:49,826
Hey!
1335
00:47:53,205 --> 00:47:56,750
JIMMY: So, I get a call out of
nowhere, a guy I went to school with.
1336
00:47:56,917 --> 00:47:58,835
I barely even knew the kid.
1337
00:47:58,919 --> 00:48:02,422
He goes,
"I just got engaged."
1338
00:48:02,631 --> 00:48:05,801
Naturally, I go, "Great.
Congratulations."
1339
00:48:07,427 --> 00:48:10,514
Then, he says,
"Can you be my best man?"
1340
00:48:10,597 --> 00:48:12,140
I barely knew the kid.
1341
00:48:12,224 --> 00:48:14,309
Wow, that is so weird.
1342
00:48:14,393 --> 00:48:16,687
So, I get to thinking, "What's
the worst that can happen?"
1343
00:48:16,853 --> 00:48:19,648
The guy's wedding party
consisted of me,
1344
00:48:20,566 --> 00:48:22,150
the bride's brother,
1345
00:48:22,651 --> 00:48:25,153
and this Filipino
exchange student.
1346
00:48:25,612 --> 00:48:27,531
And it was so sad, Doug.
1347
00:48:27,614 --> 00:48:30,075
Everybody is thinking,
"Why in the hell"
1348
00:48:30,158 --> 00:48:32,327
"would this woman
marry this loser?"
1349
00:48:32,411 --> 00:48:35,914
So, I grab the microphone and
I just get to talking about
1350
00:48:35,998 --> 00:48:40,669
how we climbed the Himalayas,
how we fished for sharks,
1351
00:48:41,003 --> 00:48:43,839
how this guy saved me in
a barroom brawl one time.
1352
00:48:43,922 --> 00:48:45,340
So much bullshit.
1353
00:48:45,674 --> 00:48:50,012
And I look over and I see the bride.
She's got his arm, Doug.
1354
00:48:50,095 --> 00:48:53,140
She's got his arm so tight
and she's glowing.
1355
00:48:53,515 --> 00:48:56,018
Because she's marrying
this amazing guy.
1356
00:48:56,101 --> 00:48:59,104
This man comes up
to me and goes, "Wow."
1357
00:49:00,022 --> 00:49:01,857
"I would pay money"
1358
00:49:02,357 --> 00:49:05,027
"to have somebody talk like
that about me at my wedding."
1359
00:49:06,194 --> 00:49:07,362
Light bulb.
1360
00:49:08,030 --> 00:49:11,491
That's the day that this
wedding hustle was born.
1361
00:49:11,575 --> 00:49:14,536
That's the day that I
became The Wedding Ringer.
1362
00:49:16,496 --> 00:49:17,664
(CHUCKLES)
1363
00:49:21,918 --> 00:49:23,045
I, uh...
1364
00:49:23,128 --> 00:49:27,215
Now, I don't want you to think
that I'm some sort of schmuck
1365
00:49:27,299 --> 00:49:28,842
who doesn't have
any friends.
1366
00:49:28,925 --> 00:49:29,926
No.
1367
00:49:30,052 --> 00:49:31,637
You know, my father,
1368
00:49:31,720 --> 00:49:33,639
he was an international
tax attorney, right?
1369
00:49:33,722 --> 00:49:35,974
So, we moved around
all the time.
1370
00:49:37,351 --> 00:49:40,312
I went to 13 different
schools by the eighth grade.
1371
00:49:40,395 --> 00:49:42,064
I lived on four
different continents.
1372
00:49:42,189 --> 00:49:44,733
And after a while
I just figured,
1373
00:49:45,651 --> 00:49:47,277
"Why even make
friends anymore?"
1374
00:49:47,736 --> 00:49:50,364
"I'm just going to have to move, anyway.
What's the point?"
1375
00:49:50,864 --> 00:49:55,452
And then, when my dad died,
I took over the business.
1376
00:49:56,078 --> 00:49:59,081
I was just working so much.
I was working too much.
1377
00:50:00,499 --> 00:50:02,209
Am I a loser?
1378
00:50:04,169 --> 00:50:05,253
No.
1379
00:50:06,421 --> 00:50:08,061
This is what you have
to understand, Doug.
1380
00:50:10,258 --> 00:50:12,386
Some people are just loners.
1381
00:50:13,679 --> 00:50:15,097
It's that simple, man.
1382
00:50:16,223 --> 00:50:17,933
Maybe I don't
want to be.
1383
00:50:18,183 --> 00:50:21,436
Maybe I just want someone
to grab a beer with,
1384
00:50:23,188 --> 00:50:26,566
to go on
a cool guy trip with.
1385
00:50:27,651 --> 00:50:29,444
You've never been
on a guy trip, Doug?
1386
00:50:30,445 --> 00:50:34,741
Cabo, Cancun, spring break? You've
never done anything like that?
1387
00:50:35,075 --> 00:50:37,369
I never really had
anyone to go with.
1388
00:50:45,377 --> 00:50:46,795
Good night, Tonto.
1389
00:50:48,463 --> 00:50:49,965
I gotta say,
it feels really good
1390
00:50:50,048 --> 00:50:51,591
to have somebody
looking out for me.
1391
00:50:51,883 --> 00:50:53,135
I got your back, man.
1392
00:50:53,343 --> 00:50:56,805
I like that.
And I got your back, too.
1393
00:51:03,145 --> 00:51:04,479
Hey, Doug.
1394
00:51:04,855 --> 00:51:06,857
I like you, man.
I think you're a great guy.
1395
00:51:07,023 --> 00:51:09,583
I just want you to remember that
this is a business relationship.
1396
00:51:09,776 --> 00:51:11,403
It doesn't mean that we're
going to be best friends.
1397
00:51:11,486 --> 00:51:12,904
That's not how
this story ends.
1398
00:51:13,488 --> 00:51:15,782
I'm just an employee with a job to do.
I get it.
1399
00:51:16,241 --> 00:51:19,119
You're not my best friend.
You're just my best man.
1400
00:51:19,202 --> 00:51:20,620
In one week,
Bic will be on a plane
1401
00:51:20,704 --> 00:51:22,080
headed back to
the Middle East.
1402
00:51:22,164 --> 00:51:24,666
Three months from now, he'll get
killed in a tragic: grenade accident
1403
00:51:24,750 --> 00:51:27,669
while giving an impromptu
sermon on the back of a Humvee.
1404
00:51:29,838 --> 00:51:32,132
It doesn't mean that we're not
going to have a good time, Doug.
1405
00:51:32,215 --> 00:51:33,925
I said I got it.
1406
00:51:34,134 --> 00:51:38,221
You're anybody's best friend for a
price, but nobody's when it counts.
1407
00:51:39,347 --> 00:51:40,515
(CLICKS TONGUE)
1408
00:51:54,571 --> 00:51:56,448
♪
(DOOR OPENING)
1409
00:51:57,199 --> 00:51:59,039
ls everything okay?
What's the matter with you?
1410
00:52:00,243 --> 00:52:01,328
I don't know.
1411
00:52:02,537 --> 00:52:03,747
Well, now.
1412
00:52:04,498 --> 00:52:07,000
I never expected
the "Jimmy Callahan"
1413
00:52:07,083 --> 00:52:09,544
to get all soft-eyed
over a client.
1414
00:52:09,628 --> 00:52:12,047
No, no, it's not like that.
1415
00:52:12,547 --> 00:52:14,382
All I do is go
from job to job,
1416
00:52:14,466 --> 00:52:16,218
saving these losers
with no friends.
1417
00:52:16,384 --> 00:52:17,385
Losers?
1418
00:52:18,428 --> 00:52:19,721
Come on, Jimmy.
1419
00:52:21,973 --> 00:52:24,643
They're not losers.
They're just guys.
1420
00:52:26,228 --> 00:52:29,147
They don't share their private,
deep emotional feelings
1421
00:52:29,231 --> 00:52:30,565
with each other
like women do.
1422
00:52:31,274 --> 00:52:32,442
Women are nurturers.
1423
00:52:32,901 --> 00:52:35,570
We sit and listen to
each other's problems.
1424
00:52:36,238 --> 00:52:38,031
Which is why we're
always so miserable,
1425
00:52:38,114 --> 00:52:40,242
from all that
goddamn listening.
1426
00:52:40,325 --> 00:52:42,953
(LAUGHING) You should
count your blessings.
1427
00:52:44,329 --> 00:52:45,914
I still think
they're losers.
1428
00:52:46,248 --> 00:52:49,501
Well, maybe you're right. But
let me ask you this, Jimmy.
1429
00:52:50,252 --> 00:52:53,129
If you ever found a woman
crazy enough to marry you,
1430
00:52:54,923 --> 00:52:57,008
who would be your best man?
1431
00:52:57,425 --> 00:52:59,886
♪
1432
00:53:01,596 --> 00:53:06,142
See, this all started because you
wanted to make a guy feel good.
1433
00:53:07,811 --> 00:53:10,522
Do you remember how good you felt
the first time you did this?
1434
00:53:11,648 --> 00:53:13,316
Well, you've lost that.
1435
00:53:14,442 --> 00:53:17,070
You've become jaded
with all your rules.
1436
00:53:17,279 --> 00:53:20,407
You forgot what got you into this
business in the first place.
1437
00:53:21,366 --> 00:53:23,702
Your ability to be a friend,
1438
00:53:24,828 --> 00:53:26,621
to change someone's life.
1439
00:53:31,710 --> 00:53:33,587
Now, Jimmy,
we have less than a week
1440
00:53:33,670 --> 00:53:36,131
to pull off
the first ever Golden Tux.
1441
00:53:36,715 --> 00:53:39,467
So, I'm going to need you to
stop crying like a little girl,
1442
00:53:39,551 --> 00:53:40,802
strap on a pair,
1443
00:53:40,886 --> 00:53:43,722
stop wasting time
feeling sorry for yourself,
1444
00:53:43,805 --> 00:53:45,807
and let's bring
this shit home.
1445
00:53:46,099 --> 00:53:47,517
♪
1446
00:53:48,310 --> 00:53:49,477
(TIRES SQUEALING)
1447
00:53:51,771 --> 00:53:53,565
Doug Harris, right?
Uh, yeah.
1448
00:53:53,648 --> 00:53:54,928
Come here, you little shit.
Wait!
1449
00:53:54,941 --> 00:53:56,701
Have you ever been to the 'hood?
Here you go.
1450
00:53:57,444 --> 00:54:00,322
Somebody help me! I'm not Doug Harris!
(GROANS)
1451
00:54:00,405 --> 00:54:01,698
Why did you kick me
in my balls?
1452
00:54:01,781 --> 00:54:03,408
(GRUNTING)
DOUG: Help me! No!
1453
00:54:03,491 --> 00:54:04,868
Throw his ass in the truck!
1454
00:54:04,951 --> 00:54:06,119
Get back there!
(THUDS)
1455
00:54:06,244 --> 00:54:07,454
(GROANING)
Go, go, go!
1456
00:54:08,580 --> 00:54:09,664
(TIRES SQUEALING)
1457
00:54:10,415 --> 00:54:12,417
DOUG: I'm not strapped in!
1458
00:54:12,584 --> 00:54:13,585
(DOUG SCREAMING)
1459
00:54:13,668 --> 00:54:15,128
What was that?
Shit!
1460
00:54:16,254 --> 00:54:17,255
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
1461
00:54:17,339 --> 00:54:19,716
Oh, God, which way
is the sidewalk?
1462
00:54:19,799 --> 00:54:21,509
Doug, don't move!
1463
00:54:23,345 --> 00:54:24,346
(TIRES SQUEALING)
1464
00:54:26,765 --> 00:54:27,891
(GROANS)
1465
00:54:29,351 --> 00:54:32,896
DOUG: Someone help me!
Please, God! Please!
1466
00:54:33,355 --> 00:54:34,940
I'm begging you!
1467
00:54:37,651 --> 00:54:38,818
Help!
1468
00:54:40,570 --> 00:54:42,238
Anybody!
1469
00:54:44,199 --> 00:54:45,200
(GASPS)
♪
1470
00:54:46,117 --> 00:54:47,452
(ALL CHEERING)
1471
00:54:53,041 --> 00:54:54,459
FITZGIBBONS:
Take his pants off!
1472
00:54:54,876 --> 00:54:56,169
♪
1473
00:54:56,419 --> 00:54:57,712
You pay for the Golden Tux,
1474
00:54:57,796 --> 00:54:59,556
you get a bachelor party,
you son of a bitch!
1475
00:54:59,881 --> 00:55:01,508
♪
(ALL CHEERING)
1476
00:55:01,591 --> 00:55:05,553
FITZGIBBONS: To the house!
Don't pop that shit!
1477
00:55:06,680 --> 00:55:08,098
♪
1478
00:55:13,895 --> 00:55:15,605
Hey. Hi.
1479
00:55:15,689 --> 00:55:16,940
Oh.
Nadia.
1480
00:55:17,399 --> 00:55:19,484
Hi. I'm Doug. Doug Harris.
1481
00:55:19,567 --> 00:55:20,735
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
1482
00:55:22,445 --> 00:55:23,780
Do you speak English?
1483
00:55:23,947 --> 00:55:25,240
Oh.
1484
00:55:25,323 --> 00:55:26,825
Have you ever been
to a Dodger game?
1485
00:55:26,908 --> 00:55:28,743
Do you like the Dodgers?
1486
00:55:28,827 --> 00:55:30,245
Oh, this is happening.
Shh!
1487
00:55:30,328 --> 00:55:31,496
Okay, so,
here's the deal.
1488
00:55:31,579 --> 00:55:34,165
I'm about to get married to
this great girl, Gretchen.
1489
00:55:34,416 --> 00:55:36,584
Oh! Gee!
1490
00:55:37,085 --> 00:55:38,086
Shh!
Um...
1491
00:55:38,169 --> 00:55:39,671
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, boy!
1492
00:55:41,715 --> 00:55:44,092
On second thought,
I've got a better idea.
1493
00:55:44,300 --> 00:55:48,847
♪ Party and bullshit
And party and bullshit
1494
00:55:48,930 --> 00:55:53,977
♪ And party and bullshit
And party and bullshit
1495
00:55:54,060 --> 00:55:56,479
♪ And party and bullshit
1496
00:55:57,022 --> 00:56:00,358
Isn't this so much more fun
than sucking my dick?
1497
00:56:00,775 --> 00:56:02,444
ALL: To Dougie!
1498
00:56:02,610 --> 00:56:04,530
♪ Hugs from the honeys
Pounds from the roughnecks
1499
00:56:04,571 --> 00:56:07,032
♪ Seen my man Sei
that I knew from the projects
1500
00:56:07,115 --> 00:56:09,492
♪ Said he had beef,
asked me if I had my piece
1501
00:56:09,617 --> 00:56:11,703
♪ Sure do
I'm a bad boy
1502
00:56:12,078 --> 00:56:14,372
♪ Niggaz wanna front, who got your back?
♪ Biggie
1503
00:56:14,456 --> 00:56:17,000
♪ Niggaz wanna flex Who got the gat?
♪ Biggie
1504
00:56:17,083 --> 00:56:19,377
♪ It ain't hard to tell
I'm the east coast overdoser
1505
00:56:19,461 --> 00:56:20,754
♪ Brand-Nubian shit
beatin' down punks!
1506
00:56:20,837 --> 00:56:22,338
This is for Dougie!
1507
00:56:22,422 --> 00:56:26,551
♪ Party and bullshit
And party and bullshit
1508
00:56:26,634 --> 00:56:29,220
♪ And party and bullshit
1509
00:56:29,554 --> 00:56:30,680
I can't swim!
1510
00:56:31,639 --> 00:56:36,227
♪ And party and bullshit
And party and bullshit
1511
00:56:36,311 --> 00:56:38,646
♪ And party and bullshit
1512
00:56:38,730 --> 00:56:40,273
Yo, where are the women at?
1513
00:56:40,356 --> 00:56:42,358
Did you touch my dick?
Okay, I'm sorry.
1514
00:56:43,193 --> 00:56:45,320
All right, guys.
This is for Dougie!
1515
00:56:45,403 --> 00:56:46,863
This is
the running of the balls!
1516
00:56:46,946 --> 00:56:49,074
Start the machine! Ready!
1517
00:56:49,741 --> 00:56:50,742
Ahhh!
1518
00:56:51,659 --> 00:56:53,203
No! No!
1519
00:56:54,496 --> 00:56:55,622
(GROANING)
1520
00:56:55,747 --> 00:56:58,708
♪ And bullshit
And party and bullshit
1521
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:01,669
♪ And party and bullshit
1522
00:57:02,337 --> 00:57:03,671
(YELLING)
1523
00:57:04,380 --> 00:57:06,883
♪ And party and bullshit ♪
1524
00:57:07,383 --> 00:57:09,219
All right.
What is happening here?
1525
00:57:09,302 --> 00:57:11,096
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
I don't like being...
1526
00:57:11,179 --> 00:57:12,180
Hey, hey. Shut up.
1527
00:57:12,263 --> 00:57:14,724
It's about you having
a good goddamn time, man.
1528
00:57:15,100 --> 00:57:16,768
Nadia.
No!
1529
00:57:16,851 --> 00:57:19,132
ALL: (CHANTING) Nadia! Nadia!
We got through this already.
1530
00:57:19,771 --> 00:57:21,773
(SHUSHING)
You smell so sweet.
1531
00:57:21,856 --> 00:57:23,358
ALL: Ohh!
1532
00:57:23,441 --> 00:57:25,485
JIMMY: Lick that
nutty butter!
1533
00:57:25,568 --> 00:57:27,737
Nadia, you don't
have to do this.
1534
00:57:29,531 --> 00:57:31,199
What? Wait.
1535
00:57:31,741 --> 00:57:32,867
Oh, oh!
1536
00:57:33,034 --> 00:57:34,035
(ALL CHEERING)
1537
00:57:34,410 --> 00:57:37,080
ALL: (CHANTING) Fletcher!
Fletcher! Fletcher!
1538
00:57:37,247 --> 00:57:38,873
Nadia, do not
give me a fletcher.
1539
00:57:41,751 --> 00:57:43,545
Okay, this shit's gone far enough!
(SNIFFING)
1540
00:57:46,506 --> 00:57:47,966
Oh, Nadia, no!
1541
00:57:48,758 --> 00:57:51,302
Oh, God, it feels so good,
but I don't want you to.
1542
00:57:51,386 --> 00:57:52,470
Talk me through it, Doug!
1543
00:57:52,554 --> 00:57:55,223
It feels so scruffy and wet.
1544
00:57:55,974 --> 00:57:58,726
Why are you
licking so rapidly?
1545
00:57:59,519 --> 00:58:00,728
I love my fiancée,
I love my fiancée.
1546
00:58:00,812 --> 00:58:02,188
How does that feel?
1547
00:58:03,523 --> 00:58:05,191
(ALL LAUGHING)
1548
00:58:08,903 --> 00:58:11,239
Oh, God! Okay! Okay!
(ALL LAUGH LOUDLY)
1549
00:58:11,781 --> 00:58:12,907
(ALL CHEERING)
1550
00:58:13,741 --> 00:58:15,118
(DOG BARKS)
(FLESH SQUELCHES)
1551
00:58:15,451 --> 00:58:17,162
(SCREAMING)
(ALL GASP)
1552
00:58:17,245 --> 00:58:18,329
JIMMY: Oh, shit!
1553
00:58:18,413 --> 00:58:19,414
(DOG SNARLING)
1554
00:58:19,497 --> 00:58:20,874
When you pull, it hurts!
1555
00:58:20,957 --> 00:58:22,417
(SCREAMING)
1556
00:58:22,500 --> 00:58:23,585
Stick a finger in his ass!
1557
00:58:23,668 --> 00:58:25,461
Not my ass,
the dog's ass!
1558
00:58:25,545 --> 00:58:27,172
It's not working!
DOUG: Get it off!
1559
00:58:27,255 --> 00:58:28,256
(GUNSHOT)
(ALL GASP)
1560
00:58:31,134 --> 00:58:33,178
What the fuck, Plunkett?
Oh, shit.
1561
00:58:33,261 --> 00:58:35,263
I didn't shoot him. I shot up.
That dog is dead.
1562
00:58:36,598 --> 00:58:37,724
FITZGIBBONS: I just
tried to scare him off.
1563
00:58:37,807 --> 00:58:39,127
Shit, the fucking dog
has lockjaw.
1564
00:58:39,142 --> 00:58:40,185
It must have had
a heart attack.
1565
00:58:40,268 --> 00:58:42,937
(CRYING) There's a
dead dog on my dick.
1566
00:58:43,313 --> 00:58:44,689
DOUG: I've got to get
to a hospital, guys.
1567
00:58:44,772 --> 00:58:45,892
REGGIE:
His dick is bleeding!
1568
00:58:45,940 --> 00:58:47,025
The hospital's right
around the corner, okay?
1569
00:58:47,108 --> 00:58:48,109
You have to hold on.
1570
00:58:48,276 --> 00:58:49,277
Hurry up, Lou.
1571
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:51,279
Every time it moves,
it hurts!
1572
00:58:51,362 --> 00:58:53,156
JIMMY: Where's the alcohol?
Somebody give me the alcohol!
1573
00:58:53,239 --> 00:58:54,282
Just breathe, Dougie!
1574
00:58:54,365 --> 00:58:55,491
That just burns!
1575
00:58:55,658 --> 00:58:57,493
Whoa, whoa!
Red light, red light!
1576
00:58:58,119 --> 00:58:59,704
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
1577
00:58:59,787 --> 00:59:01,789
What the fuck was that?
ENDO: Was that a cop?
1578
00:59:01,873 --> 00:59:02,957
No, it was just a cab.
1579
00:59:03,458 --> 00:59:04,709
(SIREN WAILING)
1580
00:59:05,001 --> 00:59:06,419
Shit! We have open
bottles in here.
1581
00:59:06,502 --> 00:59:09,380
I can't go back to jail!
I'm tired of fucking dudes!
1582
00:59:09,464 --> 00:59:11,424
You were the rapist?
Finish your bottles!
1583
00:59:11,507 --> 00:59:13,551
JIMMY: Everybody, chill out!
Put the bottles down,
1584
00:59:13,635 --> 00:59:15,511
put your drugs away.
Do you hear me?
1585
00:59:15,637 --> 00:59:17,180
LURCH: This is Marci's
father's van.
1586
00:59:17,263 --> 00:59:18,264
I'm only 15!
1587
00:59:19,432 --> 00:59:20,516
OFFICER: (ON LOUDSPEAKER)
Pullover.
1588
00:59:20,600 --> 00:59:22,352
Lou, you have to pull
the fucking car over.
1589
00:59:22,727 --> 00:59:23,853
Pull the fucking car over.
1590
00:59:23,937 --> 00:59:25,730
Oh, God,
Marci's going to kill me.
1591
00:59:25,855 --> 00:59:27,023
JIMMY: You're going to
get through this, man.
1592
00:59:27,106 --> 00:59:28,107
This isn't going to be long.
1593
00:59:28,191 --> 00:59:29,484
DOUG: Get me
out of the car.
1594
00:59:29,567 --> 00:59:31,194
REGGIE: They're going to think
I kidnapped this white girl.
1595
00:59:31,319 --> 00:59:33,112
Take it. Take the gun. I don't
want this motherfucker, man.
1596
00:59:33,196 --> 00:59:34,239
No! You take it back.
1597
00:59:34,322 --> 00:59:35,922
JIMMY: Shush! Shut up.
You talk too much.
1598
00:59:35,990 --> 00:59:37,367
I don't want it.
Take it.
1599
00:59:37,825 --> 00:59:40,453
Put it in your titties. I'm
not going to jail for this.
1600
00:59:41,037 --> 00:59:42,705
ENDO: I can still see it.
1601
00:59:43,122 --> 00:59:46,542
Shut up! This is real!
Everybody look normal. Okay?
1602
00:59:54,342 --> 00:59:55,385
(STUTTERS)
1603
00:59:55,718 --> 00:59:57,011
Have you guys been
drinking tonight?
1604
00:59:57,095 --> 00:59:58,513
JIMMY: No, sir.
(ALL DISAGREEING)
1605
01:00:00,473 --> 01:00:01,599
Not even a little bit?
1606
01:00:01,683 --> 01:00:02,725
No.
1607
01:00:02,809 --> 01:00:03,851
(GROANING)
1608
01:00:04,227 --> 01:00:05,979
(ALL GROANING)
1609
01:00:07,897 --> 01:00:09,774
Are you all right, sir?
Uh-huh.
1610
01:00:09,857 --> 01:00:10,900
Is that a dog?
1611
01:00:13,027 --> 01:00:14,946
Yeah. Why is his mouth
on your genitals?
1612
01:00:15,280 --> 01:00:17,657
(EXHALES)
Oh, God.
1613
01:00:19,284 --> 01:00:20,576
♪
1614
01:00:20,868 --> 01:00:21,911
(YELLING)
1615
01:00:21,995 --> 01:00:23,621
(ALL SCREAMING)
1616
01:00:23,705 --> 01:00:25,373
JIMMY: Lou, what the
fuck are you doing?
1617
01:00:25,456 --> 01:00:27,709
FITZGIBBONS:
What in the fuck, Lou?
1618
01:00:30,211 --> 01:00:31,838
Stop the car, you old dick!
1619
01:00:32,171 --> 01:00:33,172
(SIREN WAILING)
1620
01:00:33,423 --> 01:00:34,924
Lou, watch the Buick
on your right!
1621
01:00:35,717 --> 01:00:36,801
(GLASS SHATTERING)
1622
01:00:37,427 --> 01:00:40,596
Do you have to hit
every single meter, Lou?
1623
01:00:42,181 --> 01:00:45,226
Come on, what are you doing, Lou?
LOU: No guts, no glory!
1624
01:00:47,937 --> 01:00:48,938
It's a one-way street!
1625
01:00:49,022 --> 01:00:50,222
I know!
It's the way I'm going!
1626
01:00:50,315 --> 01:00:51,941
Look out! BRONSTEIN:
Stop the car!
1627
01:00:54,360 --> 01:00:55,360
LURCH: I hate you, Lou!
1628
01:00:55,403 --> 01:00:56,446
(HORN BLARING)
JIMMY: Fuck, Lou, stop!
1629
01:00:56,529 --> 01:00:57,864
(ALL SCREAMING)
1630
01:01:00,033 --> 01:01:01,117
Lou, this is a closed road!
1631
01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:02,368
LURCH: You're going
the wrong way, Lou!
1632
01:01:02,452 --> 01:01:04,495
REGGIE: I don't have a
fucking seat belt on, Lou!
1633
01:01:05,705 --> 01:01:08,750
Holy shit!
There's a gap in the bridge!
1634
01:01:09,083 --> 01:01:10,418
(ALL SCREAMING)
1635
01:01:11,836 --> 01:01:13,129
LURCH: We're all
going to die!
1636
01:01:13,212 --> 01:01:14,255
JIMMY: Oh, my God!
1637
01:01:14,756 --> 01:01:16,507
No!
1638
01:01:19,469 --> 01:01:21,429
♪♪
1639
01:01:25,600 --> 01:01:27,185
♪♪
1640
01:01:28,311 --> 01:01:29,562
(ALL GRUNTING)
1641
01:01:29,645 --> 01:01:31,022
Oh, my God!
1642
01:01:31,105 --> 01:01:32,345
ENDO: We made it!
(ALL CHEERING)
1643
01:01:33,066 --> 01:01:35,693
LOU: Yeah!
Suck on this, copper.
1644
01:01:41,741 --> 01:01:42,784
♪
1645
01:01:43,326 --> 01:01:44,410
Nadia.
1646
01:01:44,911 --> 01:01:47,914
Hey. You waited
all night for me?
1647
01:01:49,582 --> 01:01:50,917
You know, last night,
1648
01:01:52,502 --> 01:01:54,504
that was the greatest night
of my entire life.
1649
01:01:56,923 --> 01:02:00,468
I don't think I've ever felt a
connection to anybody like that before.
1650
01:02:01,969 --> 01:02:04,305
I know you can't
understand any of this.
1651
01:02:07,350 --> 01:02:08,684
But I...
Tonto.
1652
01:02:09,102 --> 01:02:10,102
How is it hanging?
1653
01:02:10,144 --> 01:02:12,397
(GROANS) I'm kind of numb.
1654
01:02:12,480 --> 01:02:13,898
What did they do?
1655
01:02:13,981 --> 01:02:15,566
Oh, they put some stitches
in your penis head.
1656
01:02:15,650 --> 01:02:16,984
The doctor said
you'll be okay, though.
1657
01:02:17,110 --> 01:02:18,194
Come on,
kiss her goodbye.
1658
01:02:19,862 --> 01:02:23,282
I've gotta go. It was really
great getting to know you.
1659
01:02:28,371 --> 01:02:30,039
♪
1660
01:02:36,295 --> 01:02:38,381
It was great
getting to know you, too.
1661
01:02:40,508 --> 01:02:42,427
Wait. You speak English?
1662
01:02:42,510 --> 01:02:44,178
Thanks for having me
out again, Jimmy.
1663
01:02:44,929 --> 01:02:46,931
(SIGHS) Doug here
is a real keeper.
1664
01:02:48,474 --> 01:02:51,269
Call me sometime. Maybe we
can catch a Dodger game.
1665
01:02:55,314 --> 01:02:57,233
"Dodger game" is
code-word for fucking.
1666
01:02:58,901 --> 01:03:00,236
(ALL SNORING)
1667
01:03:00,695 --> 01:03:01,737
Fellows.
1668
01:03:02,363 --> 01:03:03,448
DOUG: Where's Lou?
1669
01:03:03,531 --> 01:03:05,116
Lou had to go away
for a while.
1670
01:03:05,199 --> 01:03:07,368
He said it was
worth it, though.
1671
01:03:08,411 --> 01:03:09,996
(BLOWING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1672
01:03:10,705 --> 01:03:11,789
Burn this.
1673
01:03:13,124 --> 01:03:14,542
♪
1674
01:03:15,376 --> 01:03:16,544
(WHOOPS)
1675
01:03:16,919 --> 01:03:21,340
I haven't felt this good,
this happy since...
1676
01:03:21,424 --> 01:03:22,508
Since ever.
1677
01:03:22,758 --> 01:03:24,385
Did you take one of those pills
Plunkett was handing out?
1678
01:03:24,427 --> 01:03:26,345
The ones that looked like Altoids?
Yes! Did you take one?
1679
01:03:26,429 --> 01:03:27,909
Yeah, I took one.
What did I tell you?
1680
01:03:27,930 --> 01:03:29,432
You said don't take anything
that looks like drugs.
1681
01:03:29,557 --> 01:03:31,350
Then why did you take it? Because
it looked like an Altoid.
1682
01:03:31,434 --> 01:03:32,477
It wasn't an Altoid, Doug.
1683
01:03:32,560 --> 01:03:33,686
Nah, I realized that
soon after.
1684
01:03:33,769 --> 01:03:36,439
I said, "Stay your ass away from
Plunkett." Didn't I tell you that?
1685
01:03:37,523 --> 01:03:39,233
Now, I know
none of this is real,
1686
01:03:39,317 --> 01:03:41,569
but it's good to be
one of the guys.
1687
01:03:41,777 --> 01:03:43,196
It really is.
1688
01:03:45,907 --> 01:03:47,867
♪
1689
01:03:50,244 --> 01:03:52,205
Come on. Let's go get
you cleaned up, man.
1690
01:03:56,125 --> 01:03:58,836
So, uh, let's just go and
knock this thing out, man.
1691
01:03:58,920 --> 01:04:01,422
We'll make you look great,
rock your wedding,
1692
01:04:01,923 --> 01:04:05,676
send you off to Tahiti so you
can blow Gretchen's back out.
1693
01:04:05,760 --> 01:04:07,428
Knock her back loose.
1694
01:04:07,512 --> 01:04:10,473
And then, we ship Father Bic:
off to his untimely death.
1695
01:04:16,270 --> 01:04:19,315
I was thinking about what you asked
me the other day about Gretchen.
1696
01:04:19,398 --> 01:04:20,399
Mmm-hmm.
1697
01:04:20,483 --> 01:04:23,361
And on our third date,
she said something
1698
01:04:23,444 --> 01:04:24,684
about wanting to
start a family,
1699
01:04:24,737 --> 01:04:26,030
how she was
ready to have kids.
1700
01:04:26,489 --> 01:04:28,950
And I don't know, ever
since I lost my family,
1701
01:04:30,243 --> 01:04:31,843
I've always wanted
to make one of my own.
1702
01:04:34,956 --> 01:04:36,165
Hey, do me a favor.
1703
01:04:36,249 --> 01:04:38,376
Be very gentle with my car.
I've seen your car...
1704
01:04:38,459 --> 01:04:40,044
Ain't nobody gonna
mess up this shit.
1705
01:04:40,127 --> 01:04:41,128
Okay.
1706
01:04:41,212 --> 01:04:42,588
Why don't you go put
some ice on your dick?
1707
01:04:42,672 --> 01:04:44,715
Yeah. No kidding,
right? God.
1708
01:04:44,799 --> 01:04:45,925
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
1709
01:04:46,008 --> 01:04:47,385
Hello.
I got a problem.
1710
01:04:47,468 --> 01:04:48,588
I can't be there
on Saturday.
1711
01:04:48,636 --> 01:04:49,804
What are you
talking about, Garv?
1712
01:04:49,887 --> 01:04:51,514
Marci's dad found a butt plug
in the glove compartment.
1713
01:04:51,597 --> 01:04:52,640
She knows I'm working
with you again.
1714
01:04:52,723 --> 01:04:54,976
I had to promise to fix the kitchen
cabinets to get her to calm down.
1715
01:04:55,059 --> 01:04:56,269
No. You're going to be there.
Do you hear me?
1716
01:04:56,352 --> 01:04:58,229
I'll call Marci myself. Is
that what you want me to do?
1717
01:04:58,312 --> 01:04:59,397
I'll tell her about Kokomo.
1718
01:04:59,480 --> 01:05:01,232
MARCI: Lurch,
where are you?
1719
01:05:01,315 --> 01:05:02,608
Look, Jimmy, come on.
No, don't "Look, Jimmy" me.
1720
01:05:02,692 --> 01:05:03,734
I'm not playing the
"Look, Jimmy" game.
1721
01:05:03,818 --> 01:05:05,194
No, we all made a pact.
1722
01:05:05,278 --> 01:05:07,358
You said the kitchen cabinets
would be done by today.
1723
01:05:07,363 --> 01:05:09,282
Just tell Marci that you'll do
the kitchen cabinets on Sunday.
1724
01:05:09,365 --> 01:05:10,992
Jimmy, go die in a fire!
I hate you.
1725
01:05:11,325 --> 01:05:13,619
I hope your dick
gets chopped off.
1726
01:05:13,703 --> 01:05:15,246
Roger Delta Niner.
1727
01:05:15,329 --> 01:05:17,915
And may God bless
whoever else is on this.
1728
01:05:17,999 --> 01:05:19,333
(MARCI YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
1729
01:05:19,709 --> 01:05:22,128
Hey.
Who is Jimmy?
1730
01:05:23,713 --> 01:05:26,340
Jimmy is actually a tag.
1731
01:05:26,507 --> 01:05:27,800
It's a tag name.
Military code.
1732
01:05:27,883 --> 01:05:29,176
Military code?
1733
01:05:29,552 --> 01:05:31,512
So, I suppose
I shouldn't pry into
1734
01:05:31,596 --> 01:05:34,098
the meaning of "kitchen
cabinets" then, either.
1735
01:05:34,181 --> 01:05:37,727
For your safety, no. I would
kind of leave it alone.
1736
01:05:38,060 --> 01:05:40,062
(CHUCKLES) All right, I'll see
you at the rehearsal dinner.
1737
01:05:40,146 --> 01:05:41,522
See you then.
1738
01:05:42,148 --> 01:05:43,899
Father.
Okay.
1739
01:05:45,318 --> 01:05:46,819
Oh, God.
1740
01:05:47,528 --> 01:05:49,071
♪
1741
01:05:49,655 --> 01:05:52,033
HAL LANE: Six violins,
two violas, two cellos,
1742
01:05:52,283 --> 01:05:53,701
one contrabass,
one electric bass,
1743
01:05:53,784 --> 01:05:56,287
two guitars, one drum set,
and I'll be singing.
1744
01:05:56,370 --> 01:05:58,748
And your first dance
will be to what song?
1745
01:05:58,914 --> 01:06:01,667
To our song,
You Are So Beautiful.
1746
01:06:04,253 --> 01:06:06,464
That's by Joe Cooker.
Thanks.
1747
01:06:08,257 --> 01:06:10,259
What?
That's not our song.
1748
01:06:10,593 --> 01:06:12,219
That's not our song.
1749
01:06:12,303 --> 01:06:14,138
(SCOFFS)
Honey, of course it is.
1750
01:06:14,221 --> 01:06:15,598
No, it's not.
1751
01:06:15,681 --> 01:06:17,433
Yeah. Babe,
don't you remember?
1752
01:06:17,558 --> 01:06:20,978
Your broken CD player repeated
it over and over and over
1753
01:06:21,062 --> 01:06:22,563
the first time
we made love.
1754
01:06:23,230 --> 01:06:24,815
Oh. (WHISPERING)
It was so amazing.
1755
01:06:25,941 --> 01:06:27,818
That wasn't me.
1756
01:06:27,902 --> 01:06:30,529
That was your ex, Steve.
1757
01:06:30,780 --> 01:06:32,031
And I know that
because you've told me
1758
01:06:32,114 --> 01:06:34,075
this story about five times.
1759
01:06:34,784 --> 01:06:36,369
So...
Oh.
1760
01:06:36,952 --> 01:06:38,162
(CHUCKLES)
1761
01:06:38,913 --> 01:06:41,540
Well, you know, honey, it's
still such a beautiful song.
1762
01:06:41,624 --> 01:06:44,126
I mean, when you
really listen to the words.
1763
01:06:44,210 --> 01:06:46,962
Honey, it's my favorite.
Please.
1764
01:06:50,383 --> 01:06:51,384
Sure.
1765
01:06:52,259 --> 01:06:53,511
(SOFTLY) Yay.
1766
01:06:53,594 --> 01:06:55,096
I'm going to need a deposit.
1767
01:06:55,596 --> 01:06:57,848
DORIS: Gentlemen,
in these wallets,
1768
01:06:57,932 --> 01:07:00,643
you have a license,
credit cards,
1769
01:07:00,726 --> 01:07:04,146
and $300 cash.
1770
01:07:04,438 --> 01:07:05,981
These bags here
contain your suits
1771
01:07:06,065 --> 01:07:08,275
for the rehearsal dinner
as well as the wedding.
1772
01:07:08,359 --> 01:07:12,488
You guys get some rest. We leave
for the high school at 0800.
1773
01:07:13,155 --> 01:07:15,449
What are we doing
at the high school?
1774
01:07:15,533 --> 01:07:16,742
(LAUGHING)
1775
01:07:18,953 --> 01:07:20,204
DOUG: Hey, Dad.
1776
01:07:20,287 --> 01:07:21,580
ED: Don't ever call me Dad.
1777
01:07:21,831 --> 01:07:24,417
So, we were thinking maybe the
field's a little too muddy today.
1778
01:07:24,500 --> 01:07:25,501
You sound like my daughters.
1779
01:07:25,584 --> 01:07:27,086
It doesn't get any
better than this, boys.
1780
01:07:27,169 --> 01:07:28,337
Come on, you pussies.
1781
01:07:28,713 --> 01:07:30,513
Okay. Yeah, all right.
All right. Sounds good.
1782
01:07:31,048 --> 01:07:32,408
OTIS: We're playing
these old guys?
1783
01:07:32,425 --> 01:07:34,802
Listen. Let's just keep it
fun, fellows, all right?
1784
01:07:34,885 --> 01:07:36,554
Go out here,
amuse these old geezers.
1785
01:07:36,637 --> 01:07:37,930
There's no need
to rub it in their faces.
1786
01:07:38,013 --> 01:07:39,390
We wouldn't want
to see any coronaries.
1787
01:07:39,515 --> 01:07:41,142
You boys look
a little soft.
1788
01:07:41,225 --> 01:07:42,425
OTIS: That dude
looks familiar.
1789
01:07:43,227 --> 01:07:45,104
Are you sure you can
handle going both ways?
1790
01:07:45,187 --> 01:07:47,481
I heard Doug enjoys that.
What?
1791
01:07:48,274 --> 01:07:49,275
(ALL GRUNTING)
1792
01:07:49,483 --> 01:07:51,193
OLDER PLAYER 1:
Sit, pal! Pussies!
1793
01:07:53,487 --> 01:07:54,989
OLDER PLAYER 2: He's open!
1794
01:07:55,156 --> 01:07:56,824
JIMMY: Chop block!
That's a chop block!
1795
01:07:56,991 --> 01:07:59,201
Yeah! Yeah!
ED: Touchdown. Seven-zip.
1796
01:07:59,368 --> 01:08:01,495
I just got punched. I thought
this was touch football.
1797
01:08:01,662 --> 01:08:04,039
You can't play football
without blocking, bitch.
1798
01:08:04,165 --> 01:08:05,645
That old motherfucker
is fast as shit.
1799
01:08:05,666 --> 01:08:06,625
They just caught us
off guard.
1800
01:08:06,709 --> 01:08:07,918
DOUG: Can we discuss
the rules again?
1801
01:08:08,002 --> 01:08:09,503
Come on, Doug, get up.
Good D!
1802
01:08:10,212 --> 01:08:11,672
OLDER PLAYER 3: It's Webster!
(OLDER PLAYERS LAUGHING)
1803
01:08:12,006 --> 01:08:14,049
OTIS: Those old guys
are fast and crazy, man.
1804
01:08:14,133 --> 01:08:16,010
This is Sean John, bitch!
1805
01:08:16,177 --> 01:08:17,845
ED: Back on your side, loser.
1806
01:08:19,013 --> 01:08:20,097
You have a really
nice arm, sir.
1807
01:08:20,181 --> 01:08:21,724
Blow me, kid.
Oh...
1808
01:08:22,183 --> 01:08:24,518
(ALL GRUNTING)
Hut! Let's go, Doug!
1809
01:08:24,643 --> 01:08:25,811
(ED GRUNTING)
1810
01:08:27,730 --> 01:08:29,190
I don't have the ball!
(SCREAMING)
1811
01:08:30,024 --> 01:08:31,025
OLDER PLAYER 4: Take that, gimp!
(GROANING)
1812
01:08:31,108 --> 01:08:32,359
You're so mean!
1813
01:08:32,526 --> 01:08:33,486
What the fuck?
I'm in a wheelchair!
1814
01:08:33,569 --> 01:08:35,112
DOUG: He's in a wheelchair!
1815
01:08:35,196 --> 01:08:37,114
Hey, fat ass, we're going
to do your sister!
1816
01:08:37,198 --> 01:08:38,407
I don't have a sister.
1817
01:08:38,491 --> 01:08:39,700
In the ass!
1818
01:08:39,825 --> 01:08:40,951
(ALL LAUGHING)
1819
01:08:41,202 --> 01:08:43,078
OLDER PLAYER 5:
Blue dog left, Omaha!
1820
01:08:47,124 --> 01:08:48,542
Yeah!
Yeah, brother!
1821
01:08:48,626 --> 01:08:49,627
Shit.
(OLDER PLAYERS WHOOPING)
1822
01:08:49,710 --> 01:08:51,212
(LAUGHING)
Why?
1823
01:08:53,798 --> 01:08:54,882
ED: You're such a fucking
embarrassment.
1824
01:08:54,965 --> 01:08:56,685
OTIS: Your father-in-law is a dick.
(GROANS)
1825
01:08:56,717 --> 01:08:58,761
FITZGIBBONS: Oh, God, 72 just bit me!
JIMMY: All right, that's it.
1826
01:08:58,886 --> 01:08:59,887
(ALL CHEERING)
1827
01:09:01,555 --> 01:09:02,890
JIMMY: Look at us.
1828
01:09:04,266 --> 01:09:07,227
ED: Where'd you go to defense
school, Munchkinland?
1829
01:09:08,395 --> 01:09:09,980
Good one!
(ALL LAUGHING)
1830
01:09:10,481 --> 01:09:13,067
Fuck this, fellows.
Shit just got real.
1831
01:09:14,568 --> 01:09:16,278
Get up, guys.
We're about to give these
1832
01:09:16,362 --> 01:09:18,781
old bitches a nice
little serving of youth.
1833
01:09:18,864 --> 01:09:20,032
OTIS: All right, ready!
1834
01:09:20,115 --> 01:09:21,242
Set. Hike! Let's go!
1835
01:09:21,367 --> 01:09:22,743
♪
1836
01:09:23,744 --> 01:09:25,746
JIMMY: Go, go,
Dickerson! Yeah!
1837
01:09:26,038 --> 01:09:27,039
(GROANING)
(CHEERING)
1838
01:09:27,915 --> 01:09:29,124
Old bitch!
(SCREAMING)
1839
01:09:29,917 --> 01:09:31,752
Hut!
(YELLING)
1840
01:09:32,837 --> 01:09:33,838
(GROANS)
(LAUGHING)
1841
01:09:34,588 --> 01:09:35,881
How does it feel?
1842
01:09:35,965 --> 01:09:36,966
(WHOOPING)
1843
01:09:37,091 --> 01:09:38,592
Fuck!
JIMMY: Hike! Let's go!
1844
01:09:38,717 --> 01:09:40,344
(GRUNTING)
Oh, God!
1845
01:09:40,761 --> 01:09:41,846
♪
1846
01:09:41,929 --> 01:09:42,930
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
1847
01:09:45,307 --> 01:09:46,642
OLDER PLAYER 1: Hut one.
1848
01:09:46,725 --> 01:09:47,977
DOUG: Fumble!
1849
01:09:48,143 --> 01:09:50,020
I've got the ball!
I've got the ball!
1850
01:09:50,104 --> 01:09:51,772
JIMMY: This way, Doug!
1851
01:09:51,939 --> 01:09:53,691
This way!
I've got the ball!
1852
01:09:53,774 --> 01:09:54,775
JIMMY: Go, go, go!
1853
01:09:55,025 --> 01:09:56,694
Keep going!
1854
01:09:56,944 --> 01:09:58,737
♪
1855
01:09:58,821 --> 01:09:59,822
(LAUGHING)
1856
01:10:00,906 --> 01:10:02,032
(OLDER PLAYER SCREAMING)
1857
01:10:05,786 --> 01:10:07,288
LURCH: Fumble!
KIP: Fumble!
1858
01:10:07,705 --> 01:10:08,998
(ALL YELLING)
1859
01:10:09,832 --> 01:10:11,292
OLDER PLAYER 2: Dog pile!
1860
01:10:11,792 --> 01:10:14,295
Our ball! Our ball!
Our ball!
1861
01:10:14,461 --> 01:10:16,672
Okay, listen, y'all.
1862
01:10:17,172 --> 01:10:18,257
(KNUCKLES CRACKING)
1863
01:10:18,549 --> 01:10:20,092
I'll be the first to say
that we underestimated
1864
01:10:20,134 --> 01:10:21,552
these old sons of bitches.
(ALL AGREEING)
1865
01:10:21,635 --> 01:10:23,721
Listen! Right now,
we are back in the game.
1866
01:10:23,804 --> 01:10:25,681
The next touchdown wins, guys.
1867
01:10:25,973 --> 01:10:27,725
Now, Doug, I gotta be
honest with you, man.
1868
01:10:27,808 --> 01:10:29,351
You played a pretty
shitty game.
1869
01:10:29,476 --> 01:10:30,978
And the last thing
I want to do is put
1870
01:10:31,061 --> 01:10:32,980
the ball in your hands,
but I do know this.
1871
01:10:33,147 --> 01:10:34,627
I know that you're
faster than Big Ed.
1872
01:10:34,648 --> 01:10:36,901
I know that I can
throw you the ball.
1873
01:10:36,984 --> 01:10:39,704
But what I need to know is if you're
going to catch the goddamn ball.
1874
01:10:40,070 --> 01:10:41,697
Hey, look at me.
1875
01:10:41,780 --> 01:10:43,490
(WHISPERS) Please don't
throw me the ball.
1876
01:10:43,574 --> 01:10:45,826
Doug, get off of me. OTIS: Man,
your father-in-law hates you.
1877
01:10:45,910 --> 01:10:48,329
Listen, I will throw it to you and
you're going to catch it. Okay?
1878
01:10:48,412 --> 01:10:49,413
Get some fucking
balls right now!
1879
01:10:49,496 --> 01:10:50,456
FITZGIBBONS:
You need this, Doug.
1880
01:10:50,539 --> 01:10:52,333
Be a man. OTIS: This
isn't a game anymore.
1881
01:10:52,458 --> 01:10:54,793
Your father-in-law has no respect for you.
OTIS: Show him you're a man.
1882
01:10:54,877 --> 01:10:55,920
Be a goddamn man!
1883
01:10:56,003 --> 01:10:57,671
One, two, three.
ALL: Break!
1884
01:10:57,755 --> 01:10:59,673
♪
1885
01:11:07,222 --> 01:11:08,390
Hike!
1886
01:11:08,474 --> 01:11:09,934
♪♪
1887
01:11:28,953 --> 01:11:30,496
♪♪
1888
01:11:50,599 --> 01:11:52,476
♪♪
1889
01:11:53,060 --> 01:11:54,728
Yeah!
1890
01:11:54,895 --> 01:11:56,855
(GROOMSMEN CHEERING)
1891
01:11:57,398 --> 01:11:58,857
♪
1892
01:12:00,442 --> 01:12:01,652
(LAUGHING)
1893
01:12:02,027 --> 01:12:03,320
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
1894
01:12:04,905 --> 01:12:06,323
DOUG: Oh, my God.
1895
01:12:09,493 --> 01:12:10,494
(GROANING)
1896
01:12:12,579 --> 01:12:13,747
(ALL LAUGHING)
1897
01:12:14,081 --> 01:12:16,125
How did you like
them apples?
1898
01:12:16,208 --> 01:12:18,627
You can't spell "Ed"
without "Bitch"!
1899
01:12:18,794 --> 01:12:20,963
LURCH: Whoa. Easy there.
That's going to be your dad.
1900
01:12:21,505 --> 01:12:22,923
(ALL CHEERING)
1901
01:12:23,465 --> 01:12:24,508
♪
1902
01:12:24,591 --> 01:12:26,468
JIMMY: I'm so happy
for you, man.
1903
01:12:27,052 --> 01:12:28,262
(LAUGHING)
1904
01:12:28,762 --> 01:12:30,097
You're not a bitch!
1905
01:12:32,016 --> 01:12:33,517
♪
1906
01:12:35,310 --> 01:12:36,562
GRETCHEN: I told you
guys to be careful.
1907
01:12:36,645 --> 01:12:38,105
I knew someone would get hurt.
Look at this.
1908
01:12:38,188 --> 01:12:39,690
Well, to be fair,
we were just having fun
1909
01:12:39,773 --> 01:12:40,933
until your dad
and his friends
1910
01:12:40,941 --> 01:12:42,693
decided to make it
an MMA blood sport.
1911
01:12:42,776 --> 01:12:44,987
Don't pin this shit on me.
REGGIE: Hey, hey, now.
1912
01:12:45,195 --> 01:12:46,447
Hey!
1913
01:12:46,613 --> 01:12:48,574
Oh, my God. Who the
hell are those guys?
1914
01:12:48,657 --> 01:12:50,617
DOUG: What are you talking about?
Those are my friends.
1915
01:12:50,701 --> 01:12:53,078
That's Principal
Mitchell Rambis from Utah.
1916
01:12:53,495 --> 01:12:55,622
In the wheelchair,
that's Plunkett.
1917
01:12:55,831 --> 01:12:58,792
And that's the brilliant
philosopher, Ira Drysdale.
1918
01:12:59,126 --> 01:13:00,419
GRETCHEN: No. No, no.
1919
01:13:00,502 --> 01:13:02,254
That's the strangest
looking group
1920
01:13:02,337 --> 01:13:04,006
of guys I've ever
seen in my life.
1921
01:13:04,089 --> 01:13:06,633
What do you mean? Those are my boys.
What's up, man?
1922
01:13:06,717 --> 01:13:08,010
How are you doing, Doug?
1923
01:13:08,093 --> 01:13:11,221
My, this has been a long
time coming, hasn't it?
1924
01:13:11,305 --> 01:13:12,473
Palmers,
it's an honor.
1925
01:13:12,556 --> 01:13:14,391
Mrs. Palmer, I see
where Gretchen gets her
1926
01:13:14,475 --> 01:13:15,976
(STUTTERS) good looks.
1927
01:13:16,685 --> 01:13:17,728
Thank you.
1928
01:13:17,811 --> 01:13:19,396
FITZGIBBONS: Gretchen.
Yes.
1929
01:13:20,397 --> 01:13:21,732
Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
1930
01:13:22,483 --> 01:13:24,568
It's a pleasure finally meeting
the love of Doug's life.
1931
01:13:24,651 --> 01:13:26,987
Thank you. Hey, Grandma...
What the...
1932
01:13:27,071 --> 01:13:28,906
DOUG: Oh, wait, Bic,
I meant to tell you,
1933
01:13:28,989 --> 01:13:30,109
Grandma made
a full recovery.
1934
01:13:30,115 --> 01:13:31,825
She's doing really well.
Doesn't she look good, guys?
1935
01:13:32,159 --> 01:13:33,160
ALL: Yeah.
1936
01:13:33,827 --> 01:13:36,580
That's something else to look at there.
It's very pretty.
1937
01:13:36,663 --> 01:13:38,248
♪
1938
01:13:38,415 --> 01:13:39,541
(CAMERA CLICKING)
1939
01:13:41,668 --> 01:13:43,003
What are you doing?
Nothing.
1940
01:13:43,253 --> 01:13:45,506
What are you feeding him? Oh,
what are you talking about?
1941
01:13:46,548 --> 01:13:47,591
(ALL LAUGHING)
1942
01:13:47,674 --> 01:13:50,344
That. He wasn't like that
until you showed up.
1943
01:13:52,012 --> 01:13:53,092
That's the Doug
that I know.
1944
01:13:53,097 --> 01:13:54,556
I've never seen
that Doug before.
1945
01:13:54,640 --> 01:13:58,227
Hi, everyone.
Hi. I'm Holly Munk.
1946
01:13:58,435 --> 01:13:59,937
I'm the head bridesmaid.
1947
01:14:00,020 --> 01:14:01,480
Twenty bucks says
they wrote a song.
1948
01:14:01,605 --> 01:14:03,774
$40 says it's The Carpenters.
You're on.
1949
01:14:03,857 --> 01:14:04,900
You're on.
1950
01:14:04,983 --> 01:14:05,983
You're onner.
1951
01:14:06,026 --> 01:14:07,778
You're on first.
You're more on.
1952
01:14:07,861 --> 01:14:10,280
You're on from God.
1953
01:14:10,364 --> 01:14:11,657
You're never going to
believe this, Gretch,
1954
01:14:11,782 --> 01:14:14,034
but we wrote you a little ditty.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
1955
01:14:14,535 --> 01:14:17,621
Yes. And if everyone wants
to look under your seats,
1956
01:14:17,704 --> 01:14:18,914
you're going to
find the lyrics
1957
01:14:18,997 --> 01:14:20,917
so that everybody can sing along.
(WOMAN SQUEALS)
1958
01:14:21,125 --> 01:14:24,044
And we're singing
to the tune of
1959
01:14:24,920 --> 01:14:25,921
Lean on Me.
1960
01:14:26,130 --> 01:14:27,297
Pay up, Father.
1961
01:14:27,381 --> 01:14:28,799
I don't have any cash.
I only have credit.
1962
01:14:28,882 --> 01:14:31,844
Do you take credit cards?
Oh, no, I only take cash.
1963
01:14:31,927 --> 01:14:33,595
Oh, excuse me, Ms. Maid of Honor.
What?
1964
01:14:33,679 --> 01:14:34,888
Are you going to chat
all night or are you
1965
01:14:34,972 --> 01:14:36,515
going to come up
and sing with us?
1966
01:14:36,557 --> 01:14:38,976
Do you think you're too good?
No, this is your guys' thing.
1967
01:14:39,143 --> 01:14:40,144
HOLLY: What, do you
think you're too pretty?
1968
01:14:40,227 --> 01:14:41,353
God always wins.
1969
01:14:41,436 --> 01:14:43,689
That's why you're going up there.
God is a winner.
1970
01:14:43,939 --> 01:14:45,899
Let's go, bitch. Come on.
I'm coming.
1971
01:14:47,234 --> 01:14:50,904
ALL: ♪ It's that
time in your life
1972
01:14:51,071 --> 01:14:54,199
♪ Bum-bum
♪ When you wear something blue
1973
01:14:54,283 --> 01:14:55,284
♪ Bum-bum
1974
01:14:55,617 --> 01:15:00,164
♪ And something borrowed
1975
01:15:00,414 --> 01:15:02,416
♪ Gretchen was dumped
1976
01:15:03,083 --> 01:15:07,171
♪ By handsome Steve
1977
01:15:08,255 --> 01:15:12,342
♪ We'll just hit up the Supper
Club And make some mistakes
1978
01:15:12,426 --> 01:15:14,845
How long did we rent the place for'?
Sing it!
1979
01:15:15,012 --> 01:15:17,055
♪ Do you remember?
1980
01:15:17,139 --> 01:15:18,640
Oh, Christ.
1981
01:15:19,600 --> 01:15:21,768
♪ Baton twirling ♪
1982
01:15:21,935 --> 01:15:23,812
That's the end of the song.
Ch, thank God.
1983
01:15:24,104 --> 01:15:25,522
(APPLAUSE)
(WOMAN WHOOPING)
1984
01:15:27,274 --> 01:15:29,067
Since none of us
are songwriters,
1985
01:15:29,151 --> 01:15:30,861
we decided to put together
a little slide show
1986
01:15:30,944 --> 01:15:32,487
to toast our buddy.
1987
01:15:32,696 --> 01:15:35,282
He was stealing ladies' hearts
since long before we knew him.
1988
01:15:35,574 --> 01:15:37,034
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
1989
01:15:37,534 --> 01:15:39,369
His friendship
came with an instant
1990
01:15:39,453 --> 01:15:41,330
half-point boost
to all our GPA's.
1991
01:15:41,413 --> 01:15:43,207
You never could crack
2.5, Dickerson!
1992
01:15:43,290 --> 01:15:44,625
You got me there,
buddy.
1993
01:15:44,708 --> 01:15:45,959
He also taught us things
1994
01:15:46,043 --> 01:15:47,753
that you can't learn
in a classroom.
1995
01:15:47,836 --> 01:15:49,796
Whether it was bowling at regionals.
GUESTS: Aw.
1996
01:15:50,839 --> 01:15:52,799
Running the Santa
Monica Marathon.
1997
01:15:52,883 --> 01:15:54,301
It was a close
call with the Kenyan.
1998
01:15:54,384 --> 01:15:55,552
You ran?
Yeah.
1999
01:15:55,636 --> 01:15:58,639
Navigating the rapids
of Colorado.
2000
01:15:59,181 --> 01:16:01,725
OTIS: Scuba diving
the Great Barrier Reef.
2001
01:16:01,808 --> 01:16:02,851
What?
2002
01:16:02,976 --> 01:16:04,478
Climbing the glaciers
2003
01:16:04,561 --> 01:16:05,771
of Patagonia.
Hmm.
2004
01:16:08,315 --> 01:16:11,151
Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet.
(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
2005
01:16:14,821 --> 01:16:16,657
JIMMY: Help him out, guys.
You got it?
2006
01:16:18,575 --> 01:16:19,576
Yeah.
2007
01:16:19,993 --> 01:16:22,496
After I was hit
by a drunk driver
2008
01:16:22,579 --> 01:16:24,373
who was found innocent,
2009
01:16:24,498 --> 01:16:25,707
(GUESTS GASPING)
2010
01:16:26,333 --> 01:16:28,418
it was Doug
who helped me pay
2011
01:16:28,502 --> 01:16:29,795
for my law school tuition.
2012
01:16:29,878 --> 01:16:30,879
GUESTS: Aw.
2013
01:16:31,004 --> 01:16:32,673
That's so sweet.
2014
01:16:32,756 --> 01:16:33,840
(CRYING) It was you.
2015
01:16:34,424 --> 01:16:36,051
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
2016
01:16:36,343 --> 01:16:38,011
(sesame)
2017
01:16:38,929 --> 01:16:39,972
JIMMY: That's okay.
2018
01:16:40,055 --> 01:16:41,848
The only thing that
gets hard is my nipples.
2019
01:16:42,015 --> 01:16:43,225
Oh, dear.
2020
01:16:43,767 --> 01:16:45,352
(WHISPERS)
Let's get him out of here.
2021
01:16:45,435 --> 01:16:46,635
Way to keep it
together, buddy.
2022
01:16:46,728 --> 01:16:47,813
I wanted to quit
grad school
2023
01:16:47,896 --> 01:16:49,606
until Doug told me
the story of Plunkett.
2024
01:16:49,856 --> 01:16:51,316
Which inspired me to stay.
2025
01:16:51,400 --> 01:16:52,401
GUESTS: Aw.
JIMMY: He inspired us all.
2026
01:16:52,484 --> 01:16:54,736
When he wasn't
hitting those books,
2027
01:16:54,861 --> 01:16:57,072
old Doug-town was teaching
us all how to have fun.
2028
01:16:57,155 --> 01:16:58,782
JIMMY: Yeah, he was.
BRONSTEIN: Doug-man.
2029
01:16:58,865 --> 01:16:59,866
(LAUGHING)
2030
01:17:00,242 --> 01:17:01,785
JIMMY: I think we saved
the best for last.
2031
01:17:01,868 --> 01:17:03,620
This last shot is
actually my favorite.
2032
01:17:04,538 --> 01:17:07,624
This was a historic guy trip
with my closest friend.
2033
01:17:07,791 --> 01:17:09,459
As you can see
in this picture
2034
01:17:09,543 --> 01:17:10,711
and in all
the other pictures,
2035
01:17:11,086 --> 01:17:13,130
Doug is smiling,
2036
01:17:14,047 --> 01:17:15,924
but I think we can
all agree that in this shot,
2037
01:17:16,008 --> 01:17:17,759
that smile got
a whole lot brighter.
2038
01:17:17,843 --> 01:17:19,094
(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
2039
01:17:19,219 --> 01:17:20,262
I love you, bud.
2040
01:17:20,429 --> 01:17:21,805
(GUESTS CHEERING)
2041
01:17:22,222 --> 01:17:23,724
♪♪
2042
01:17:27,894 --> 01:17:30,522
I was a bit surprised
when I met your groomsmen.
2043
01:17:30,605 --> 01:17:33,567
I mean, actually, terrified.
Like, "Wah! What is that?"
2044
01:17:33,900 --> 01:17:35,819
But I've got to say,
they're really good guys.
2045
01:17:36,403 --> 01:17:37,821
(CLATTERS)
Oops.
2046
01:17:39,364 --> 01:17:40,365
(CLEARS THROAT)
2047
01:17:41,491 --> 01:17:43,243
DOUG: Honey, are you there?
2048
01:17:46,913 --> 01:17:48,957
GRETCHEN: I'm definitely going to
have Alison be my maid of honor.
2049
01:17:49,124 --> 01:17:50,667
I mean, no one
can fight over that.
2050
01:17:50,751 --> 01:17:53,253
But, babe, what about you? Who's
going to be your best man?
2051
01:17:53,420 --> 01:17:54,504
Uh...
2052
01:17:56,048 --> 01:17:58,967
Mitchum. Bic Mitchum.
2053
01:17:59,426 --> 01:18:00,510
Who?
(SPITS)
2054
01:18:00,594 --> 01:18:02,679
You know Bic. Bic Mitchum.
2055
01:18:02,929 --> 01:18:04,056
He's a buddy of mine
from Stanford.
2056
01:18:04,139 --> 01:18:06,058
No, I've never heard
of Bic Mitchum.
2057
01:18:06,433 --> 01:18:08,935
Didn't you meet Bic at that...
I met Bic?
2058
01:18:09,019 --> 01:18:11,579
You know, maybe on second thought,
you didn't meet Bio because...
2059
01:18:11,605 --> 01:18:13,815
Because why?
He's overseas,
2060
01:18:13,899 --> 01:18:16,443
uh, in the military.
2061
01:18:17,069 --> 01:18:20,072
Oh, you know what?
Now that you mention it...
2062
01:18:20,155 --> 01:18:22,282
I think you have said
something about him.
2063
01:18:22,366 --> 01:18:23,825
Isn't he a priest
or something?
2064
01:18:24,618 --> 01:18:27,871
Yeah. That's right.
Yeah, I knew it.
2065
01:18:27,954 --> 01:18:29,956
He's a priest overseas
in the military.
2066
01:18:31,291 --> 01:18:33,251
GRETCHEN: But our
Wedding's in 10 days.
2067
01:18:33,335 --> 01:18:34,503
DOUG: But Bic's still in...
2068
01:18:34,711 --> 01:18:37,381
Uh, El Salvador.
2069
01:18:37,464 --> 01:18:38,632
Bic is flying in
tomorrow morning.
2070
01:18:38,715 --> 01:18:40,384
In April I was in the Middle East.
Muffin juice.
2071
01:18:40,467 --> 01:18:42,010
Bring him to lunch with you. No!
2072
01:18:42,344 --> 01:18:43,970
(SCREAMING)
GRETCHEN: I am...
2073
01:18:44,054 --> 01:18:45,097
Oh, my God!
2074
01:18:45,180 --> 01:18:46,932
...dying to
finally meet this guy.
2075
01:18:47,474 --> 01:18:48,934
(LAUGHING)
2076
01:18:49,267 --> 01:18:50,769
I'm dying to finally
meet all your friends.
2077
01:18:50,811 --> 01:18:52,854
Who the hell are those guys?
Those are my friends.
2078
01:18:52,979 --> 01:18:56,108
I am still missing the
groomsmen's information.
2079
01:18:56,525 --> 01:18:57,651
GRETCHEN: Those are
the strangest group of guys
2080
01:18:57,734 --> 01:18:58,985
I've ever seen in my life.
2081
01:18:59,528 --> 01:19:00,570
DOUG: Your friends
are gonna be there.
2082
01:19:00,654 --> 01:19:01,974
My friends are
all gonna be there.
2083
01:19:06,535 --> 01:19:07,911
DOUG: (ON PHONE) Sweetie.
2084
01:19:07,994 --> 01:19:09,413
Hey-Hon?
2085
01:19:11,832 --> 01:19:12,916
Gretchen, are you there?
2086
01:19:12,999 --> 01:19:14,000
Doug-
2087
01:19:14,167 --> 01:19:15,919
Don't you think
it's a bit strange
2088
01:19:16,002 --> 01:19:19,714
that you use Bic razors
and Mitchum deodorant,
2089
01:19:19,840 --> 01:19:22,509
and your best man's
name is Bic Mitchum?
2090
01:19:25,220 --> 01:19:28,223
Well, if your best friend
was named Jemima Colgate,
2091
01:19:28,306 --> 01:19:29,850
I bet you wouldn't
use Log Cabin syrup
2092
01:19:29,933 --> 01:19:31,435
or Aquafresh toothpaste,
would you?
2093
01:19:32,269 --> 01:19:33,854
It's called loyalty.
2094
01:19:34,020 --> 01:19:36,440
Hey, sweetie, listen,
you're just overstressed.
2095
01:19:36,606 --> 01:19:38,150
Why don't you get some sleep?
I'll see you tomorrow
2096
01:19:38,233 --> 01:19:40,277
for our big day. Okay?
2097
01:19:41,695 --> 01:19:42,988
Okay, bye.
2098
01:19:43,071 --> 01:19:44,364
Bye, sweetie.
2099
01:19:44,531 --> 01:19:46,199
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
2100
01:19:48,034 --> 01:19:49,828
BRONSTEIN:
♪ I saw the light on the night
2101
01:19:49,911 --> 01:19:52,038
♪ that I passed
by her window
2102
01:19:54,541 --> 01:19:58,712
♪ I saw the flickering shadows
of love on her blind
2103
01:19:58,795 --> 01:20:00,964
♪ Bum-bum, da-da-a
2104
01:20:01,047 --> 01:20:05,594
♪ She was my woman
2105
01:20:05,677 --> 01:20:06,761
(LAUGHING)
2106
01:20:07,721 --> 01:20:09,306
♪ As she deceived me
2107
01:20:09,389 --> 01:20:12,100
♪ I watched and
went out of my mind
2108
01:20:12,267 --> 01:20:13,643
DOUG: And I said,
"it's called loyalty."
2109
01:20:13,727 --> 01:20:15,145
I didn't teach you that.
2110
01:20:15,228 --> 01:20:17,397
No, that can't be taught.
You're born with that.
2111
01:20:17,481 --> 01:20:18,899
You look good, man.
2112
01:20:18,982 --> 01:20:20,567
Thank you. I wish I could
say the same for you.
2113
01:20:20,692 --> 01:20:21,776
(LAUGHING)
2114
01:20:22,152 --> 01:20:24,738
So, you know,
as I'm getting dressed,
2115
01:20:24,905 --> 01:20:29,159
I'm thinking to myself how
insane what we're doing is.
2116
01:20:29,326 --> 01:20:31,328
You just started
thinking that?
2117
01:20:31,411 --> 01:20:33,914
Well, I mean,
she's going to be my wife.
2118
01:20:34,956 --> 01:20:36,750
Shouldn't I be able
to tell her the truth?
2119
01:20:36,833 --> 01:20:38,293
I mean, the key
to relationships
2120
01:20:38,376 --> 01:20:39,544
is being honest, you know?
2121
01:20:39,753 --> 01:20:41,004
Up to a point.
2122
01:20:41,087 --> 01:20:44,257
It's all about making
her happy, Doug. All right?
2123
01:20:44,466 --> 01:20:46,635
Come on.
Let's go get you married.
2124
01:20:47,010 --> 01:20:48,011
Ah.
2125
01:20:48,178 --> 01:20:49,763
You look good, man.
2126
01:20:54,017 --> 01:20:55,101
(EXHALES)
2127
01:21:00,148 --> 01:21:04,944
ALL:
♪ My, my, my, Delilah
2128
01:21:06,613 --> 01:21:07,614
♪ Why, why... ♪
2129
01:21:07,697 --> 01:21:08,782
Hey, fellows.
2130
01:21:09,616 --> 01:21:10,992
Gather around.
2131
01:21:11,493 --> 01:21:14,287
Hey, hey. Guys, guys.
(ALL CONGRATULATING)
2132
01:21:14,621 --> 01:21:15,705
This is one of
the few times that
2133
01:21:15,789 --> 01:21:17,332
you're actually going
to hear me be honest.
2134
01:21:17,457 --> 01:21:19,657
Nine days ago, I didn't think
a Golden Tux was possible.
2135
01:21:20,043 --> 01:21:21,378
But in less than an hour,
we're going to have
2136
01:21:21,461 --> 01:21:22,712
200 unsuspecting guests
2137
01:21:22,796 --> 01:21:24,965
filling those pews to celebrate
some holy matrimony.
2138
01:21:25,048 --> 01:21:28,260
Which means that from this moment
on, we are flawless, gentlemen.
2139
01:21:28,343 --> 01:21:29,427
Have each other's
backs out there.
2140
01:21:29,511 --> 01:21:30,637
LURCH: Support each other.
2141
01:21:30,720 --> 01:21:32,389
Remember your HW2's,
your boomerangs,
2142
01:21:32,472 --> 01:21:33,807
and your Party Trick
Distractions.
2143
01:21:33,890 --> 01:21:35,642
Drysdale, set it off.
What time is it?
2144
01:21:35,725 --> 01:21:36,810
It's game time!
2145
01:21:36,893 --> 01:21:38,144
I said,
what time is it?
2146
01:21:38,228 --> 01:21:39,938
ALL: It's game time!
2147
01:21:40,814 --> 01:21:42,649
Guys, guys,
I'm down here. Guys.
2148
01:21:42,983 --> 01:21:44,317
(ALL CHEERING)
2149
01:21:44,859 --> 01:21:46,987
Douglas! Hi!
Perfect timing.
2150
01:21:47,070 --> 01:21:49,155
I was just telling
Papa Bear here
2151
01:21:49,239 --> 01:21:52,284
that we did have a little
bit of a "scandal"
2152
01:21:52,367 --> 01:21:53,827
with Father O'Brien.
2153
01:21:53,910 --> 01:21:55,954
He will not be able to
officiate the wedding.
2154
01:21:56,288 --> 01:21:57,368
But it's okay.
Rest assured,
2155
01:21:57,414 --> 01:21:58,873
I have everything
under control
2156
01:21:58,957 --> 01:22:00,750
because Father McNulty here,
2157
01:22:00,834 --> 01:22:02,669
he has agreed to step
2158
01:22:02,752 --> 01:22:04,588
as a replacement
of the shoes
2159
01:22:04,671 --> 01:22:05,755
of Father O'Brien.
2160
01:22:05,839 --> 01:22:07,841
Hello, Doug.
Hi. Great to meet you.
2161
01:22:08,008 --> 01:22:10,218
Father McNulty is
a wonderful priest.
2162
01:22:10,385 --> 01:22:12,429
I'm just happy the big day's finally
here, to be honest with you.
2163
01:22:12,512 --> 01:22:13,805
I would love for you
to meet all my friends.
2164
01:22:13,888 --> 01:22:15,181
This is my best man, Bic.
2165
01:22:16,182 --> 01:22:20,186
Uh, Bic must have
gone a different way.
2166
01:22:20,353 --> 01:22:21,938
Uh, would you guys mind
going to look for Bic?
2167
01:22:22,022 --> 01:22:24,107
I'd love for him to be
caught up on all this.
2168
01:22:24,274 --> 01:22:25,874
KIP: I'm going to go
see if he's praying.
2169
01:22:26,401 --> 01:22:27,444
What is going on?
2170
01:22:27,527 --> 01:22:28,653
What the hell is
Father McNulty doing here?
2171
01:22:28,737 --> 01:22:30,071
How do you know
Father McNulty?
2172
01:22:30,196 --> 01:22:31,781
Because he was my principal
at Benjamin Rush.
2173
01:22:31,865 --> 01:22:34,117
I spent half my damn middle school
years in his principal's office.
2174
01:22:34,200 --> 01:22:36,453
Please, please tell me
that you are kidding me.
2175
01:22:36,536 --> 01:22:38,913
This cannot be happening right now.
I need you to fix this.
2176
01:22:38,997 --> 01:22:40,040
What you want me to do?
If I go out there,
2177
01:22:40,123 --> 01:22:41,458
he knows I'm not
Bic Mitchum.
2178
01:22:41,541 --> 01:22:45,045
Shh! Wait. Wait.
I think I have an idea.
2179
01:22:50,216 --> 01:22:51,384
(DOOR OPENS)
2180
01:22:53,053 --> 01:22:54,888
Father McNulty?
Yes.
2181
01:22:56,306 --> 01:22:57,557
FITZGIBBONS: Go, go, go.
2182
01:22:57,766 --> 01:22:59,309
(CAMERA CLICKING)
2183
01:23:01,561 --> 01:23:02,729
(BODY THUDS)
REGGIE: Oh, shit!
2184
01:23:02,896 --> 01:23:04,481
200 grand out the door,
2185
01:23:04,564 --> 01:23:06,900
I expect...
No, I demand perfection.
2186
01:23:06,983 --> 01:23:08,485
Yes, Mr. Palmer,
I assure you...
2187
01:23:08,568 --> 01:23:09,944
Listen, Menudo,
first you tell me
2188
01:23:10,028 --> 01:23:11,655
my family priest
is a goddamn pervert.
2189
01:23:11,738 --> 01:23:13,907
Now you tell me Father
McNulty has disappeared.
2190
01:23:13,990 --> 01:23:15,825
Mr. Palmer,
I'll take care of this.
2191
01:23:15,909 --> 01:23:17,702
You better or I will
fuck you up.
2192
01:23:23,333 --> 01:23:25,627
(ORGAN PLAYING WAGNER'S
BRIDAL CHORUS)
2193
01:23:41,309 --> 01:23:43,311
♪
2194
01:23:56,658 --> 01:23:57,992
Shall we do this?
2195
01:23:59,619 --> 01:24:02,372
Do you, Gretchen Palmer,
2196
01:24:02,622 --> 01:24:06,418
take Douglas Ephraim
Ben Lazar Menahem Harris
2197
01:24:06,626 --> 01:24:08,670
to be your lawfully
wedded husband,
2198
01:24:09,003 --> 01:24:11,339
to have and to hold,
2199
01:24:11,673 --> 01:24:14,050
through sickness
and health,
2200
01:24:14,134 --> 01:24:15,301
till death do you part?
2201
01:24:15,468 --> 01:24:16,469
I do.
2202
01:24:18,221 --> 01:24:23,059
Do you, Douglas Ephraim
Ben Lazar Menahem Harris,
2203
01:24:23,143 --> 01:24:24,728
take Gretchen Palmer
2204
01:24:24,811 --> 01:24:26,271
to be your lawfully
wedded wife,
2205
01:24:27,188 --> 01:24:29,858
to have and to hold,
2206
01:24:30,233 --> 01:24:33,486
through sickness and health,
till death do you part?
2207
01:24:35,238 --> 01:24:36,281
I do.
2208
01:24:36,906 --> 01:24:37,907
(CHUCKLES)
2209
01:24:43,163 --> 01:24:46,207
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
(CHUCKLES)
2210
01:24:46,624 --> 01:24:48,835
(GUESTS LAUGHING) You
may now kiss the bride.
2211
01:24:50,336 --> 01:24:53,381
GUESTS: Aw. Ladies and
gentlemen, I present to you
2212
01:24:53,465 --> 01:24:55,341
Mr. and Mrs. Harris.
2213
01:24:55,508 --> 01:24:57,093
(WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING)
2214
01:24:59,554 --> 01:25:01,306
You are about to
blow that back out.
2215
01:25:01,389 --> 01:25:02,766
Don't do this here.
Don't do that.
2216
01:25:02,849 --> 01:25:04,184
What?
Nothing.
2217
01:25:11,024 --> 01:25:13,234
I'm a lounge singer myself
up there in Canada.
2218
01:25:13,318 --> 01:25:14,402
What kind of
stuff do you sing?
2219
01:25:14,486 --> 01:25:17,030
That's when I knew I was
born to work on feet.
2220
01:25:17,363 --> 01:25:19,741
You're a podiatrist?
I'm a podiatrist.
2221
01:25:20,909 --> 01:25:21,910
(BLOWS)
2222
01:25:24,662 --> 01:25:25,705
Big deal.
2223
01:25:25,789 --> 01:25:27,040
Where did you
go to school?
2224
01:25:27,207 --> 01:25:28,208
Uh...
2225
01:25:29,000 --> 01:25:30,251
You don't remember?
2226
01:25:30,627 --> 01:25:32,170
Harvard.
I went to Harvard.
2227
01:25:32,253 --> 01:25:34,293
I'm really inspired by black,
American soul singers.
2228
01:25:34,297 --> 01:25:35,632
Nice.
Like Tom Jones.
2229
01:25:35,882 --> 01:25:37,522
You went to Harvard Podiatry School?
Yeah.
2230
01:25:37,550 --> 01:25:39,219
What years?
20.
2231
01:25:39,302 --> 01:25:40,386
20?
2232
01:25:43,223 --> 01:25:45,475
Oh, wow.
You work out, huh?
2233
01:25:45,558 --> 01:25:46,810
Isn't Tom Jones white?
2234
01:25:46,893 --> 01:25:48,228
Yeah, isn't he
from Wales?
2235
01:25:49,354 --> 01:25:50,514
(GRUNTS)
(SHOULDER DISLOCATES)
2236
01:25:51,231 --> 01:25:52,565
Mom!
2237
01:25:52,732 --> 01:25:54,234
I'm fine. I'm fine.
BRIDESMAID: Oh, my God.
2238
01:25:54,400 --> 01:25:56,736
Well, do you want to see?
Boom. (ZIPPER OPENS)
2239
01:25:56,903 --> 01:25:58,863
Yeah, three balls.
Count them.
2240
01:26:01,032 --> 01:26:02,659
I thought you said
you was a vegan.
2241
01:26:05,370 --> 01:26:06,871
Okay, that's cool.
(CHUCKLES)
2242
01:26:06,955 --> 01:26:08,623
I can do it, too.
Stop.
2243
01:26:09,916 --> 01:26:10,916
That's mine.
2244
01:26:11,000 --> 01:26:13,002
I'm proud of you, Doug. I really am.
Well, thank you, sir.
2245
01:26:13,086 --> 01:26:14,712
I have to say,
I learned from the master.
2246
01:26:14,796 --> 01:26:16,631
Hey, well,
don't celebrate yet.
2247
01:26:16,714 --> 01:26:18,633
We still have
more work to do.
2248
01:26:18,716 --> 01:26:20,476
All right, I'm going
to wait for you outside.
2249
01:26:21,553 --> 01:26:23,513
Ugh. Can you believe this zipper
already broke? Okay, I'm coming.
2250
01:26:23,596 --> 01:26:26,116
Mrs. Harris, can I talk to you for
a second? I'll get the thing.
2251
01:26:26,266 --> 01:26:28,434
Uh, listen,
I may be partial here,
2252
01:26:28,518 --> 01:26:29,727
but I just want to say
that you have put on
2253
01:26:29,811 --> 01:26:31,020
the perfect wedding.
Really.
2254
01:26:31,104 --> 01:26:32,397
Perfect wedding?
(SCOFFS)
2255
01:26:32,480 --> 01:26:35,066
The zipper on my
$8,000 dress is broken,
2256
01:26:35,191 --> 01:26:36,943
the groomsmen are
accosting my bridesmaids,
2257
01:26:37,026 --> 01:26:39,821
my grandmother's burned from head
to toe, my dad's knee is shredded.
2258
01:26:39,904 --> 01:26:41,944
And don't even get me started
on the salad dressing.
2259
01:26:42,574 --> 01:26:45,285
But at least you have Doug.
True love conquers all.
2260
01:26:45,410 --> 01:26:46,619
True love? (SCOFFS)
2261
01:26:46,703 --> 01:26:49,122
Please. I'm just sick
of dating assholes.
2262
01:26:49,205 --> 01:26:51,499
Doug is a good guy,
he's good family material.
2263
01:26:51,583 --> 01:26:52,625
What can I say?
I'm a girl
2264
01:26:52,709 --> 01:26:54,043
that's used to a certain
kind of lifestyle,
2265
01:26:54,127 --> 01:26:55,461
and Doug can give me
that kind of lifestyle.
2266
01:26:55,545 --> 01:26:57,463
So, I've gotta go.
2267
01:27:01,926 --> 01:27:04,262
Bud, are you waiting on me?
Yeah. Yes.
2268
01:27:05,805 --> 01:27:07,891
Let's, uh, get back out there, huh?
Yeah.
2269
01:27:07,974 --> 01:27:10,268
Time for the first dance.
Yes, it is.
2270
01:27:11,895 --> 01:27:12,896
(EXHALES)
2271
01:27:12,979 --> 01:27:17,775
♪ You are so beautiful
2272
01:27:17,942 --> 01:27:19,110
(CAMERA CLICKING)
2273
01:27:22,238 --> 01:27:23,948
♪ To me
2274
01:27:26,659 --> 01:27:31,664
♪ You are so beautiful
2275
01:27:35,793 --> 01:27:37,795
♪ To me
2276
01:27:38,922 --> 01:27:40,089
HAL LANE: Will the rest of
the wedding party
2277
01:27:40,173 --> 01:27:42,425
please join the happy couple?
2278
01:27:44,469 --> 01:27:48,056
♪ You're everything
I hoped for
2279
01:27:51,100 --> 01:27:54,562
♪ You're everything I need
2280
01:27:57,023 --> 01:27:58,608
So, who are you really?
2281
01:27:58,691 --> 01:28:00,193
I'm not sure I know
what you mean by that.
2282
01:28:00,276 --> 01:28:02,904
There has just been some
questionable behavior
2283
01:28:02,987 --> 01:28:04,781
over the last
couple of days.
2284
01:28:04,864 --> 01:28:07,200
Like you setting my
grandmother on fire. Oh.
2285
01:28:07,617 --> 01:28:09,369
The secret military codes.
Mmm-hmm.
2286
01:28:09,452 --> 01:28:11,120
"Kitchen cabinets."
2287
01:28:11,704 --> 01:28:13,790
What you have to understand
is that the Lord works
2288
01:28:13,873 --> 01:28:15,124
in mysterious ways.
2289
01:28:15,208 --> 01:28:16,709
(LAUGHING)
And he thanketh...
2290
01:28:16,793 --> 01:28:18,419
I don't know
about the Lord.
2291
01:28:18,503 --> 01:28:21,214
You work in
mysterious ways.
2292
01:28:21,547 --> 01:28:25,259
♪ ...me
2293
01:28:25,593 --> 01:28:26,803
(APPLAUSE)
2294
01:28:27,053 --> 01:28:28,888
Thanks for the dance.
No problem.
2295
01:28:29,555 --> 01:28:31,224
Thank you.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
2296
01:28:32,642 --> 01:28:35,061
I got to talk.
We got to talk.
2297
01:28:36,145 --> 01:28:39,023
♪ It's only a paper moon ♪
2298
01:28:39,691 --> 01:28:41,091
What's the problem?
What's going on?
2299
01:28:41,109 --> 01:28:42,485
I think I made
a terrible mistake.
2300
01:28:42,819 --> 01:28:44,946
Gretchen doesn't love me.
She never has.
2301
01:28:45,029 --> 01:28:46,864
Stop it. Stop.
Of course, she loves you.
2302
01:28:47,073 --> 01:28:48,449
Why would you even say that?
2303
01:28:48,533 --> 01:28:50,368
I overheard the two of you
talking, okay?
2304
01:28:52,745 --> 01:28:55,415
Okay, listen. Maybe she's
confused, or she has the jitters.
2305
01:28:55,498 --> 01:28:57,698
That's perfectly normal for a
woman at this stage, Doug.
2306
01:28:57,750 --> 01:28:59,335
You have to understand that.
It doesn't matter.
2307
01:28:59,419 --> 01:29:00,920
I don't love her, either.
2308
01:29:01,212 --> 01:29:03,047
I love the idea that
a girl who looks that hot
2309
01:29:03,131 --> 01:29:04,507
could like me.
2310
01:29:04,590 --> 01:29:07,510
I couldn't believe it. But
she's not "the one," Jimmy.
2311
01:29:07,593 --> 01:29:08,928
She's not even
"the two"
2312
01:29:09,012 --> 01:29:10,304
or "the three,"
for that matter.
2313
01:29:10,555 --> 01:29:11,973
Doug, nine days ago,
you came to me
2314
01:29:12,056 --> 01:29:13,433
and you asked me
to pull off a miracle.
2315
01:29:13,516 --> 01:29:14,517
Right now,
we're 30 minutes away
2316
01:29:14,600 --> 01:29:15,760
from pulling off
a Golden Tux.
2317
01:29:15,768 --> 01:29:17,353
I know. But then what?
2318
01:29:17,437 --> 01:29:19,022
Then I go back to
living what turns out
2319
01:29:19,105 --> 01:29:21,649
was a pretty lonely life. I
don't want that life anymore.
2320
01:29:22,108 --> 01:29:23,526
I don't want to be that guy.
2321
01:29:23,609 --> 01:29:24,944
Doug, you have to
calm down.
2322
01:29:25,028 --> 01:29:26,237
Everything is going
to be all right.
2323
01:29:26,320 --> 01:29:28,865
I don't want it
to be all right.
2324
01:29:28,948 --> 01:29:30,616
I want it to be great.
2325
01:29:30,783 --> 01:29:32,744
I want my real life to be
2326
01:29:32,827 --> 01:29:34,370
as fun as the one I paid for.
2327
01:29:34,454 --> 01:29:36,539
No shit, Doug.
2328
01:29:36,622 --> 01:29:38,458
You don't think
I want that? Hmm?
2329
01:29:38,916 --> 01:29:41,044
You don't think I want to
be a Delta Air Line pilot
2330
01:29:41,127 --> 01:29:42,336
or the CFO of Lubriderm
2331
01:29:42,420 --> 01:29:43,921
or whatever the hell
else I made up,
2332
01:29:44,005 --> 01:29:46,841
instead of being some guy that works
out of a renovated fucking closet?
2333
01:29:46,924 --> 01:29:48,009
You don't think
I would ask Alison
2334
01:29:48,092 --> 01:29:49,612
to come out and have
a burrito with me?
2335
01:29:49,635 --> 01:29:51,304
Me? With Jimmy Callahan?
2336
01:29:51,387 --> 01:29:53,473
Or say, "Hey, Doug, come on,
let's go have a beer next week."
2337
01:29:53,639 --> 01:29:54,807
"Maybe we can catch a game."
2338
01:29:54,891 --> 01:29:57,102
I want to do all of
that shit, but I can't.
2339
01:29:57,185 --> 01:29:59,065
Because I can't go out
there and tell the truth.
2340
01:29:59,145 --> 01:30:01,189
Because you need Bic.
2341
01:30:03,274 --> 01:30:04,734
Nobody needs Jimmy, man.
2342
01:30:04,817 --> 01:30:08,112
Okay? Not a single soul
needs Jimmy.
2343
01:30:08,613 --> 01:30:10,990
That's reality, Doug.
2344
01:30:11,324 --> 01:30:13,576
I'm going to go out here and
I'm going to make my toast,
2345
01:30:13,659 --> 01:30:15,244
and me and you,
we are done here.
2346
01:30:15,328 --> 01:30:17,288
We're done.
2347
01:30:17,371 --> 01:30:19,540
I suggest you get your
head back in the game.
2348
01:30:19,624 --> 01:30:21,000
It's showtime.
2349
01:30:27,673 --> 01:30:31,135
♪ If you believed in me ♪
2350
01:30:32,136 --> 01:30:34,806
Good evening. My name
is Bic Mitchum,
2351
01:30:34,889 --> 01:30:36,224
and, uh,
I just want to say
2352
01:30:36,307 --> 01:30:38,184
that it's an honor
to be here.
2353
01:30:38,643 --> 01:30:40,144
I've delivered many sermons,
2354
01:30:40,228 --> 01:30:41,813
but never
a best man's speech,
2355
01:30:41,896 --> 01:30:43,189
so, please bear with me.
2356
01:30:43,356 --> 01:30:44,440
(LAUGHING)
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
2357
01:30:44,607 --> 01:30:46,234
Doug and I have been
through a lot together.
2358
01:30:46,317 --> 01:30:48,778
Happy times and sad.
2359
01:30:48,861 --> 01:30:50,113
When I was accepted
into the priesthood,
2360
01:30:50,196 --> 01:30:52,615
Doug was there waiting
for me with a huge hug
2361
01:30:52,698 --> 01:30:55,118
and a Bible that was
signed by Cardinal Enders.
2362
01:30:55,201 --> 01:30:56,953
And when his parents,
Merle and Irene,
2363
01:30:57,036 --> 01:30:58,704
passed,
God rest their souls,
2364
01:30:59,372 --> 01:31:00,581
I cried as if
they were my own.
2365
01:31:01,791 --> 01:31:03,459
You know, my grandmother
once told me
2366
01:31:03,543 --> 01:31:06,712
that the true measure
of friendship isn't...
2367
01:31:08,214 --> 01:31:10,550
Isn't how you feel
about someone else.
2368
01:31:12,718 --> 01:31:16,055
It's about how they make
you feel about yourself.
2369
01:31:18,349 --> 01:31:19,475
And, uh...
2370
01:31:20,685 --> 01:31:23,813
I can honestly say that
I've never had a friend
2371
01:31:23,896 --> 01:31:26,399
to make me feel the way
that you have, Doug.
2372
01:31:29,235 --> 01:31:30,903
(CHUCKLES) Uh...
2373
01:31:36,576 --> 01:31:37,660
Um...
2374
01:31:45,418 --> 01:31:47,044
I'm sorry. Uh...
2375
01:31:50,548 --> 01:31:54,093
When Doug called me and told
me that he wanted to propose,
2376
01:31:56,012 --> 01:31:59,849
I was nervous. I was probably
just as nervous as he was.
2377
01:32:01,017 --> 01:32:03,102
And I remember asking him,
2378
01:32:04,854 --> 01:32:06,939
"Are you sure
she's 'the one'?"
2379
01:32:12,737 --> 01:32:13,738
(MOUTHS) Damn it.
2380
01:32:16,115 --> 01:32:17,158
He told me he, uh...
2381
01:32:17,241 --> 01:32:18,242
Stop!
2382
01:32:20,620 --> 01:32:23,080
What are you doing?
Just, uh, stop.
2383
01:32:23,706 --> 01:32:24,790
(CHUCKLES)
2384
01:32:25,291 --> 01:32:26,792
I don't know.
2385
01:32:27,376 --> 01:32:28,669
Doug.
(GUESTS MURMURING)
2386
01:32:29,212 --> 01:32:30,379
(CHUCKLES)
2387
01:32:33,132 --> 01:32:34,425
What are you doing, Doug?
2388
01:32:34,508 --> 01:32:37,136
Are you sure that you want
to go through with this?
2389
01:32:37,303 --> 01:32:39,305
Thanks, Jimmy.
I've got it from here.
2390
01:32:41,349 --> 01:32:45,019
Hi. I've got
something to say.
2391
01:32:45,937 --> 01:32:48,147
None of this is real.
(GUESTS GASPING)
2392
01:32:48,356 --> 01:32:49,690
Ooh.
Uh-oh.
2393
01:32:50,608 --> 01:32:51,776
What?
2394
01:32:52,860 --> 01:32:54,654
See, although
the flowers are beautiful
2395
01:32:54,737 --> 01:32:57,490
and the salad
dressing is great,
2396
01:32:57,823 --> 01:32:59,116
we're not married,
2397
01:32:59,200 --> 01:33:00,826
Gretchen and I.
(GUESTS GASPING)
2398
01:33:01,160 --> 01:33:02,160
We can't be
2399
01:33:02,203 --> 01:33:04,789
because my friend Bic
is not a priest.
2400
01:33:05,581 --> 01:33:06,916
Oh, shit, here we go.
2401
01:33:06,999 --> 01:33:08,918
Yeah. In fact, he's not
even in the Army.
2402
01:33:09,001 --> 01:33:10,503
His real name is Jimmy,
2403
01:33:10,586 --> 01:33:12,296
and I hired him
to be my best man
2404
01:33:12,380 --> 01:33:14,257
because I had
no other options.
2405
01:33:14,340 --> 01:33:15,800
Same with all my groomsmen.
2406
01:33:15,883 --> 01:33:18,261
I actually don't even know
their real last names.
2407
01:33:18,344 --> 01:33:19,929
Bronstein.
...is Japanese.
2408
01:33:20,096 --> 01:33:22,265
It's good to meet you guys.
So, please stay
2409
01:33:22,348 --> 01:33:23,933
and enjoy the cake.
2410
01:33:24,016 --> 01:33:25,017
(GUESTS MURMURING)
2411
01:33:26,018 --> 01:33:27,103
What do we do now?
2412
01:33:27,186 --> 01:33:28,437
We need to get
the fuck out of here.
2413
01:33:28,521 --> 01:33:29,605
Yeah.
Great stuff tonight.
2414
01:33:29,689 --> 01:33:30,731
Thank you so much, bud.
2415
01:33:31,357 --> 01:33:33,401
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
2416
01:33:33,526 --> 01:33:34,902
(ALL GASPING)
(GASPS)
2417
01:33:35,861 --> 01:33:37,280
Look, Gretch,
who were we kidding?
2418
01:33:37,363 --> 01:33:39,123
You didn't grow up
dreaming of a guy like me.
2419
01:33:39,198 --> 01:33:41,659
Your knight is out there somewhere.
Go find him.
2420
01:33:41,826 --> 01:33:43,577
ED: I'm going to
tear your head off.
2421
01:33:43,828 --> 01:33:45,955
You goddamn motherfucking
pathetic piece of shit.
2422
01:33:46,038 --> 01:33:47,707
Señor, let's just relax. Get
out of my way, you fairy.
2423
01:33:47,790 --> 01:33:49,030
Fairy? (GRUNTS)
(GUESTS GASPING)
2424
01:33:49,750 --> 01:33:51,294
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
2425
01:33:52,169 --> 01:33:54,171
Love you, Dougie!
HOLLY: Calm down.
2426
01:33:54,463 --> 01:33:56,173
GRETCHEN: You motherfuckers!
2427
01:33:56,257 --> 01:33:57,883
I swear to God...
2428
01:34:02,346 --> 01:34:03,472
(SCREAMING)
What the fuck?
2429
01:34:03,556 --> 01:34:04,890
I will cut you!
2430
01:34:05,641 --> 01:34:06,726
Shit, man.
2431
01:34:07,351 --> 01:34:09,979
Good game, kid. That
was a hell of a catch.
2432
01:34:10,062 --> 01:34:11,063
(SLAPS)
Oh.
2433
01:34:11,188 --> 01:34:12,189
All right. Thanks.
2434
01:34:12,648 --> 01:34:14,775
Hey. No ass-touching
off the field, Joe.
2435
01:34:14,859 --> 01:34:16,485
I knew you were
full of shit
2436
01:34:16,569 --> 01:34:17,778
from the moment I met you.
2437
01:34:17,862 --> 01:34:19,864
I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but if you're ever in the mood,
2438
01:34:19,947 --> 01:34:21,282
I know a place that
has great burritos.
2439
01:34:21,365 --> 01:34:22,491
You just ruined
my sister's wedding
2440
01:34:22,575 --> 01:34:23,784
and you're asking me
out on a date?
2441
01:34:23,868 --> 01:34:25,244
Yes, I am.
Can I call you?
2442
01:34:26,912 --> 01:34:28,247
Yeah, you better.
I will.
2443
01:34:28,748 --> 01:34:29,749
Oh.
2444
01:34:35,629 --> 01:34:37,548
(EXHALES) We were
this close, Doug.
2445
01:34:37,631 --> 01:34:39,175
Yeah, well,
maybe next time.
2446
01:34:39,342 --> 01:34:40,343
Yeah.
2447
01:34:40,760 --> 01:34:41,761
Oh.
2448
01:34:42,053 --> 01:34:43,054
Here.
2449
01:34:44,847 --> 01:34:46,390
You saved me, Jimmy.
2450
01:34:46,474 --> 01:34:48,184
Yeah, well,
you saved me, too.
2451
01:34:48,434 --> 01:34:50,227
Did you mean what
you said back there?
2452
01:34:51,604 --> 01:34:52,646
Am I really your friend?
2453
01:34:53,314 --> 01:34:54,690
Yeah, of course I meant it.
2454
01:34:56,442 --> 01:34:58,319
Does that mean you
don't want my money?
2455
01:34:58,402 --> 01:35:00,654
Fuck yeah, I want this money.
I earned this money, man.
2456
01:35:00,738 --> 01:35:01,864
Damn it.
2457
01:35:01,947 --> 01:35:03,616
So, what the hell
do we do now?
2458
01:35:03,783 --> 01:35:05,868
You still have those two first-class
tickets for your honeymoon?
2459
01:35:05,951 --> 01:35:07,787
Yeah, why?
I've got an idea.
2460
01:35:08,287 --> 01:35:11,332
This is going to be the best
honeymoon ever! (ALL CHEERING)
2461
01:35:11,582 --> 01:35:13,626
Ever honeymoon best
the be to going is this!
2462
01:35:13,959 --> 01:35:15,002
Cheers, my friend.
2463
01:35:15,086 --> 01:35:16,087
To your first guy trip.
2464
01:35:16,295 --> 01:35:17,463
Mmm. I'll drink to that.
2465
01:35:18,798 --> 01:35:20,216
FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Everyone, please,
2466
01:35:20,299 --> 01:35:22,301
I need you to
take your seats.
2467
01:35:22,468 --> 01:35:24,303
Please fasten
your seat belts.
2468
01:35:24,929 --> 01:35:26,806
Can I unfasten
my pants belt?
2469
01:35:27,264 --> 01:35:28,391
Oh.
2470
01:35:30,184 --> 01:35:31,894
Oh, hello. Would you mind
holding this for a second?
2471
01:35:31,977 --> 01:35:33,729
Yes, Doug.
Thank you so much.
2472
01:35:33,813 --> 01:35:35,272
Oh, no. Okay.
2473
01:35:35,564 --> 01:35:36,565
Oh.
2474
01:35:38,567 --> 01:35:39,735
(GIGGLING)
2475
01:35:40,653 --> 01:35:42,905
Oh! Hi, there!
2476
01:35:43,781 --> 01:35:45,825
(GASPS) You like that,
don't you?
2477
01:35:46,117 --> 01:35:48,077
Is that a dog? You can't
have a dog on the plane.
2478
01:35:48,160 --> 01:35:49,286
This? No,
it's a service dog.
2479
01:35:49,370 --> 01:35:50,746
That's a service dog, man.
2480
01:35:50,830 --> 01:35:52,081
Let me show you what type
of service it can do.
2481
01:35:52,415 --> 01:35:53,582
Somebody send up
the peanut butter!
2482
01:35:53,666 --> 01:35:55,026
No! No peanut butter!
(DOG BARKING)
2483
01:35:55,167 --> 01:35:56,710
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut
2484
01:35:56,794 --> 01:35:58,421
ALL:
♪ You light that shit up
2485
01:35:58,504 --> 01:36:00,214
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut
2486
01:36:00,297 --> 01:36:01,424
♪ And light that shit up
2487
01:36:01,590 --> 01:36:04,343
♪ You put the weed in the
coconut And light that shit up
2488
01:36:04,677 --> 01:36:06,595
(HIGH-PITCHED) ♪ You put
the weed in the coconut
2489
01:36:06,679 --> 01:36:08,180
♪ And light that shit up
2490
01:36:08,431 --> 01:36:12,017
♪ You put the weed
in the coconut
2491
01:36:12,143 --> 01:36:14,478
♪ And you light
that shit up ♪
2492
01:36:14,562 --> 01:36:16,647
JIMMY: Stop it, Doug.
2493
01:36:16,814 --> 01:36:18,691
I got a bad feeling
about this flight.
2494
01:36:18,858 --> 01:36:20,109
♪ Grab your shotgun
2495
01:36:20,276 --> 01:36:21,652
♪ Cock it back
2496
01:36:21,777 --> 01:36:24,238
♪ Shoot the sun
until the sky is black
2497
01:36:24,780 --> 01:36:27,700
♪ Now I sure hope
that the sun got rhythm
2498
01:36:27,867 --> 01:36:30,703
♪ 'Cause he gonna dance
when that music hit him
2499
01:36:30,953 --> 01:36:34,081
♪ Like bang, bang, bang
Darkness falls
2500
01:36:34,206 --> 01:36:37,126
♪ In the nighttime
I'm camouflage
2501
01:36:37,334 --> 01:36:40,254
♪ Now I-I-I-I
don't know who you are
2502
01:36:40,337 --> 01:36:43,257
♪ But, girl, I wanna know
if you can move like this
2503
01:36:43,382 --> 01:36:45,384
♪ And I-I-I-I
2504
01:36:45,468 --> 01:36:47,094
♪ Don't know
if you gonna tell me
2505
01:36:47,178 --> 01:36:49,346
♪ But I wanna know
what your name is
2506
01:36:49,597 --> 01:36:51,515
♪ And you-you-you-you
2507
01:36:51,599 --> 01:36:53,476
♪ Gonna make me
fall in love with you
2508
01:36:53,559 --> 01:36:55,436
♪ If you keep on
shaking your hips
2509
01:36:55,519 --> 01:36:58,355
♪ Now can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2510
01:36:58,439 --> 01:37:01,442
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2511
01:37:01,525 --> 01:37:04,570
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2512
01:37:04,820 --> 01:37:07,656
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2513
01:37:07,740 --> 01:37:10,826
♪ I know you think
that you can move
2514
01:37:10,910 --> 01:37:13,871
♪ But can you groove
the way I groove?
2515
01:37:20,586 --> 01:37:22,004
♪ Grab your slingshot
2516
01:37:22,087 --> 01:37:23,589
♪ Find a stone
2517
01:37:23,756 --> 01:37:26,675
♪ Shoot the moon
until the night is gone
2518
01:37:26,759 --> 01:37:29,762
♪ Now I sure hope
that moon got rhythm
2519
01:37:29,887 --> 01:37:32,806
♪ 'Cause he gonna rock
when my stone hit him
2520
01:37:32,932 --> 01:37:35,935
♪ Like boom, boom, boom
Let me shine
2521
01:37:36,018 --> 01:37:38,979
♪ He should know
that the day is mine
2522
01:37:39,146 --> 01:37:42,149
♪ Now I-I-I-I
don't know who you are
2523
01:37:42,274 --> 01:37:45,277
♪ But, girl, I wanna know
if you can move like this
2524
01:37:45,361 --> 01:37:47,279
♪ And I-I-I-I
2525
01:37:47,363 --> 01:37:48,781
♪ Don't know
if you gonna tell me
2526
01:37:48,864 --> 01:37:51,367
♪ But I wanna know
what your name is
2527
01:37:51,450 --> 01:37:53,494
♪ And you-you-you-you
2528
01:37:53,577 --> 01:37:55,704
♪ Gonna make me
fall in love with you
2529
01:37:55,788 --> 01:37:57,164
♪ If you keep on
shaking your hips
2530
01:37:57,248 --> 01:38:00,292
♪ Now can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2531
01:38:00,376 --> 01:38:03,379
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2532
01:38:03,462 --> 01:38:06,465
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2533
01:38:06,549 --> 01:38:09,552
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2534
01:38:09,635 --> 01:38:12,805
♪ I know you think
that you can move
2535
01:38:12,930 --> 01:38:16,225
♪ But can you groove
the way I groove?
2536
01:38:16,308 --> 01:38:19,228
♪ Now why are you
standing on the wall?
2537
01:38:19,478 --> 01:38:22,189
♪ Did you come
to dance at all?
2538
01:38:22,273 --> 01:38:25,484
♪ I'm watching you,
girl, watching me
2539
01:38:25,609 --> 01:38:28,320
♪ If you got moves
then let me see
2540
01:38:28,445 --> 01:38:31,782
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Can you do this, lady?
2541
01:38:31,865 --> 01:38:34,785
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Can you move like I do?
2542
01:38:34,910 --> 01:38:37,955
♪ Can you do this? ♪ Can
you shake, shake it, mama?
2543
01:38:38,038 --> 01:38:40,749
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Can you break it on down?
2544
01:38:40,833 --> 01:38:43,669
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2545
01:38:43,919 --> 01:38:46,755
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2546
01:38:46,839 --> 01:38:49,842
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2547
01:38:49,925 --> 01:38:52,928
♪ Can you do this?
♪ Yeah, I can do that
2548
01:38:53,053 --> 01:38:56,265
♪ I know you think
that you can groove
2549
01:38:56,348 --> 01:38:59,143
♪ But can you move
the way I move? ♪
2550
01:39:07,151 --> 01:39:09,028
♪♪
2551
01:39:47,149 --> 01:39:48,942
♪♪
2552
01:40:17,221 --> 01:40:19,140
♪♪
2553
01:40:48,335 --> 01:40:50,295
♪♪
2554
01:41:09,273 --> 01:41:10,775
Okay. Yeah.
Okay?
2555
01:41:10,941 --> 01:41:12,109
Put your weight
into it.
2556
01:41:12,192 --> 01:41:13,193
(GRUNTING)
2557
01:41:13,318 --> 01:41:14,486
(GROANING)
Oh!
2558
01:41:14,653 --> 01:41:16,363
You hit me in my back.
2559
01:41:16,989 --> 01:41:19,074
I trust you, you're not gonna do it.
Don't trust me!
2560
01:41:20,284 --> 01:41:21,326
(RACKET CLATTERING)
189887
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